Kids, back
when we were younger,
your Uncle Marshall and I
were really into
college basketball.
Every year, March Madness
would take over
the entire apartment.
Hey. What's with
the blackboard?
It's our NCAA bracket.
Big board
equals big luck!
Hey, that looks familiar.
Where did you get it?
Hello. I'm looking for
my wife, Ms. Aldrin.
There's no school today.
It's a Saturday.
Of course.
How could I forget?
Dumb ass.
Big board!
Big luck!
We found it.
No big deal.
Anyway, every year,
Ted and I
go in together
on this big money pool
out in Staten Island.
Yeah. The winner gets
$100,000 stuffed
in a duffel bag.
And you get to
keep the duffel bag.
Why do you guys
put yourselves through this?
You lose every year.
That's because in the past,
we were just guessing.
This year, we watched
every game, read box scores,
tracked injuries.
This isn't
March Madness.
This is March
Meticulously
Thought-outness.
Your team lost
20 minutes ago.
I didn't know
they were playing today.
You okay, Barney?
Something strange
is going on.
I was down
at the hardware store
trying to get a little
something-something.
Wait. You go to
the hardware store
to pick up girls?
There are four kinds of women
who go to the
hardware store by themselves.
Of course there are.
Single, recently single,
recently divorced,
lesbian who will
let me watch.
You could not
be more evil.
Sorry. Five.
Recently widowed.
So, I'm talking
to this girl...
Look, I'm sure
he's in a better place.
Now let's find you
a sturdier ladder.
I was only gone
for a second when...
See? Skid-proof.
The same thing happened
at the pet store yesterday.
Pet store?
Single girl, mid-20s,
looking for
a canine replacement
for the boyfriend
who just dumped her.
Instead, finds Barney.
God bless you, Ted.
You're reading my blog.
I'm really bored at work.
I'd call your ex a dog,
but that'll be an insult
to little Ladybug here.
Oh, I just want to
take her home right now.
Not without a chew toy
from Uncle Barney first.
Okay...
And when I got back...
I'm sorry,
I'm already spoiling her,
but "Diamond in the ruff."
Could your heart just melt?
Jerk!
Weird, right?
The same thing
happened last week
at the museum.
Ooh, ooh, ooh.
Lily.
You pretend to be
a struggling young artist
who needs a new muse.
No. Marshall.
You're a millionaire art thief
casing the joint for a thrill
money can
no longer give you!
Oh, no. Robin.
You're going blind,
and you're trying to soak up
all the beauty in the world
before the darkness descends.
Bingo!
So, I was talking to
this girl.
At this point,
about 83%.
Soon, these audio guides
will be
all that I have left.
I'm so sorry.
My God, you are beautiful.
Hey. How about
I get you a headset
so you can see
with your ears
like I do?
I couldn't
have been gone
more than 20 seconds,
but when I came back...
You know,
I also love the smell
of great art.
Why does this
keep happening?
Maybe you're not
as good a liar
as you think you are.
Oh, really?
Then why am I not
in prison for perjury?
But I don't want to
talk about work.
Something weird
is going on here.
But the next night
got even weirder.
Alan Alda.
It was Alan Alda.
You're never gonna believe
what just happened.
Who was that guy
from M-A-S-H?
The main guy. What...
Hawkeye from M-A-S-H.
How can I be
blanking on this?
Alan Alda?
No.
Hey, a word of advice?
That guy
you were talking to,
Barney Stinson,
I know
he seems charming,
but he's just
saying whatever it takes
to get in your pants.
Sleeping with Barney
was the biggest
mistake of my life.
Oh, my God.
Where is she?
Oh!
She must have left.
She... Well,
she said I hooked up
with her?
What was her name?
What did she look like?
She didn't say her name,
but she had
blonde hair, boobs.
Kind of trashy.
Dead in the eyes with an aura
of self-loathing and despair?
Yes!
That's all of them.
Okay. Stay calm.
Let's think
this through.
One of the girls
who I lied to,
seduced and abandoned
is trying to
ruin my life.
Shouldn't be too hard
to figure out
which one it is.
Oh, dear God!
This is a nightmare.
Some woman
that I slept with
and screwed over
is trying to
ruin my life.
God, why is this
happening to me?
It's karma.
No, it's not Karma.
She's stripping in Vegas.
Plus, we're good.
Look, if you want to
figure out who it is,
why don't you just start
by checking your list?
My list?
Dude, do not pretend
you're not the kind of guy
who keeps a list
of all the girls
he's slept with.
I have one.
It's called
my marriage license.
Come on,
let's see the list.
Ted, don't be crass.
I would never demean the women
that I've slept with
by putting their names
on some tawdry list.
This is a scrapbook
of all of the women
I've slept with.
I made it at the
Scrapbook Barn on 7th.
Ask for Heloise.
Tell her I sent you.
What do you think, Lil?
You recognize the saboteur?
I don't know, Barney.
I only saw her face.
How many of these girls know
they're being photographed?
All of them, but only
about half buy a copy
on the way out.
Oh, Barney,
you're never
gonna figure out
which of these
is the mystery woman.
All of these women
have a right to hate you.
Oh, Lily, come on,
lighten up.
I mean, any girl
who's gonna be
with a guy like Barney
and do this or that,
or this and that,
or do this with
those in that...
I mean, she should have known
what she was getting into.
Absolutely.
And what I do with these women
should be between me and them.
And you guys.
And Heloise.
She helped me
do the decoupage.
I don't know, Barney.
I don't recognize
any of these women.
I mean,
some minor celebrities,
one government official,
and what appears to be
a national
fast-food-chain mascot.
This is impossible.
There's too many girls.
How the hell
am I gonna narrow
this down?
The top 64 women
I've slept with,
split into four regions.
This tournament
will systematically
narrow down
which girl
has the most cause
to hate my guts.
Last girl standing
has to be the saboteur.
Absolutely not, Barney.
We are not going to
make a game
out of the women
you've tricked
into sleeping with you.
No way!
The girl who thought
he had 12 hours to live
has way more cause
to ruin his life than the girl
he fake proposed to.
It's Fake Proposal Girl.
I mean, she hired
a wedding planner!
It's 12 Hours to Live!
That girl flew
them both to Paris!
Oh, she only bought him
a one-way ticket!
Okay, everybody!
Hands.
12 Hours to Live!
Damn it!
Okay, toss-up.
Thought I Was Jorge Posada
or You Have
My Dead Wife's Kidney?
Kidney!
Jorge Posada!
She bought
Yankees season tickets
to watch him play!
That's true...
It's Dead Wife's Kidney.
How are we even
discussing this?
Fake Baby!
Lost At Sea!
Fake Baby!
Lost At Sea!
I was there.
Trust me.
It's Fake Baby.
Down to the sweet 16.
And coming out of
the Upper West Side,
we have the number three seed,
Girl Who Thought
I Owned Google,
up against
the number seven seed,
Girl Who Thought
I Was a Scuba Instructor.
You got to go
Scuba Instructor.
You're kidding me!
She got the bends!
Yeah, she did.
Boo!
Evil Twin!
Prince of Norway!
How could it not be
Prince of Norway?
Barney, you're
the tie-breaker.
I'm going with Evil Twin.
You're kidding me!
Sorry, but I did sleep
with that girl twice.
As Barney and Larney.
Okay, we're down
to the final four.
What do you think, people?
Come on, dig deep.
Oh! I can't decide.
It could be
any one of them.
Is that the blackboard
from my classroom?
Come on! Marshall?
I'm tired and sad.
Mosby?
I want to call my mom,
just tell her I love her.
Okay. Then this
is as far as we get.
The final four.
It's got to be Meg,
Anna, Kate or Holly.
We are gonna
track these girls down,
and you're going to tell me
which one approached you
at the bar.
You guys stole
my blackboard!
Okay, there's her building.
When she comes out,
I'm gonna hide,
and once you figure out
if she's the girl
from the bar,
we run like hell.
No.
What do you mean, no?
That woman, like every woman
in your final four,
deserves an apology,
and I'm not telling you
if she's the one until
I hear you say, "I'm sorry."
Are you nuts?
That would involve
me speaking to a woman
I've already had sex with,
which, frankly,
is a little bit like changing
the oil in a rental car.
Barney,
you're doing this.
Lily, this girl hates me.
I hooked up with her
in an apartment
I was pretending was my own,
told her I loved her
and then ditched her there.
She got arrested
for trespassing,
bit a cop and
spent eight days in jail.
Oh, crap, there she is!
If she sees me,
she's gonna kill me!
Okay, here's what
we're gonna do.
Hey, Meg!
Over here!
Look who it is!
Your old friend Barney!
Barney?
If she kills me,
I want you to go
into my apartment,
grab the metal briefcase
under my bed and
throw it in the East River.
What are
you doing here?
Look, Meg,
we need to talk.
It was all my fault.
I know it was, baby.
I just came on
too strong.
And I forgive you.
I love you.
Oh, my God!
I love you, too!
No!
What's the matter
with you?
Get off of him!
Look, she's not the one,
but you still owe her an...
So you remember
who this one is, right?
Yes. You told her
you were Ted and that
you were an architect.
Right, and if you recall,
her computer had a webcam
and a T1 line, so I...
Yeah, I know, Barney,
you showed me.
And that still
doesn't count as
a Christmas present.
Go over there
and apologize.
There she is.
Oh, and she's
holding hot coffee.
Maybe she'll
throw it
in your face.
You're really enjoying this,
aren't you?
I'm making
a scrapbook.
Anna, hi.
Look who it is,
Mr. Big-shot Architect.
If you're here to ask me
to take down
the Web site, forget it.
What Web site?
TedMosbylsAJerk.com.
You're right,
I do deserve that.
That's all
I came here to say.
You know what?
I don't care
who knows about it.
Excuse me. Excuse me.
I, Ted Mosby,
am a jerk to women.
Tell your sisters,
tell your daughters
to stay away!
TedMosbylsAJerk.com.
And that
little Web site went on
to get 400,000 hits.
Thanks, Barney.
Here, which one
is this again?
She's...
Larney! Die!
Is it her?
Die!
Smile.
You look good.
Have you lost weight?
We're down to
the number one seed.
I knew it was Holly.
It had to be Holly.
Man, I was hoping
it wasn't Holly.
Barney, did you hear that?
Somebody's
stealing my truck.
Barney?
Barney!
That is the worst thing
you've ever done.
That is the worst thing
anyone has ever done.
But in my defense,
she was
kind of annoying.
She's gonna kill you.
Barney.
Holly.
Mark, come over here.
Barney, this is
my fiance. Mark.
Barney? You're the Barney
who ditched
her in the woods?
So you're not mad
at Barney?
Don't you want an apology?
An admission of guilt?
Your truck back?
No, whatever happened
was in the past
and Mark is my
present and my future.
And if you
ditching Holly
in the woods
made her stop
running around
with guys like you,
then cheers.
Well, then, to the last
Fourth of July weekend
I'll spend getting eaten alive
by mosquitoes.
Fourth of July?
We started dating in June.
We ruined their lives.
And the worst part of it
is that you didn't apologize
to any of those women.
No, the worst part is that
we still have no idea
who my stalker is.
Well, that's because
you're going
about this all wrong.
I mean, why chase someone
who's following you?
All you need to do
is go down to the bar,
hit on someone,
and wait until
she turns up.
That's not a bad idea.
Oh, oh. I'll pretend
to be the girl
that you're hitting on.
I don't know.
That's a lot riding on a girl
who giggles when she lies.
I do not.
Have you ever fallen asleep
while eating ribs?
No.
Look, I can do this, okay?
I mean, how else are you going
to find out who this girl is?
I'm in.
Okay.
Here's how
it's gonna work.
Now, Lily,
she knows what you look like,
so just hang
out at the jukebox,
and don't draw
any attention to yourself.
And the guys
will be in the booth,
just pretending to have
a normal conversation.
Talking, we should
be talking. Words.
Here are words.
Why is this so hard?
Laughter!
And then I'll come in,
looking hot as all hell.
Wow, you are gorgeous.
Oh, God,
I know that's awful.
I just...
Go away.
But come back later.
And then Barney
will make his move.
Hey, there,
how are you doing?
Fine, Barney.
I mean...
Fine, stranger.
Wow, you really
are awful at this,
aren't you?
Get your hand
off my thigh, Barney.
It's supposed to
look like we're about
to hook up, Robin.
You know, I'm curious.
What do you say to
these girls to get them
to come home with you?
Usually I just lean in
and whisper this
one thing in their ear.
You're a little turned on
right now, aren't you?
No.
Oh. Look, somebody's
watching us.
Make your move
to the bathroom.
I'm going to go to
the bathroom now,
but when I come back
we'll go to my place
and have sex.
Dude, dude, dude, look.
Blonde girl heading over
to Robin right now.
We are go.
I don't know what to do
with my hands.
What do I normally do
with my hands?
Barney. I brought
a copy of the bracket.
Which one is she?
I don't recognize her.
She's not on the Top 64.
Not even on the bracket.
Wow. Cinderella story,
comes out of nowhere
to win the whole thing.
That'll warm your heart.
Are you okay?
I don't even
recognize her.
Hey. I don't
remember you.
I've spent
the last two days
trying to remember
every girl
that I've slept with
and all of
the horrible things
that I have done to them.
And I have done
some horrible things.
I mean, at one point,
I'm pretty sure
I sold a woman.
I didn't speak the language,
but I shook a guy's hand,
he gave me the keys
to a Mercedes,
and I left her there.
I'm the guy
who keeps a scrapbook
of all of the women
I have slept with,
but I never thought
I was the guy
who would sleep with a girl
and not even remember her.
So from the bottom
of my heart,
for whatever I did to you,
I apologize.
Oh, Barney!
Oh, I'm so proud of you.
That's not her.
I'm so sorry.
What? What?
Barney, I'm sorry,
that's my friend Sally
from work.
We just
ran into each other.
You... So I apologized
for nothing?
Yes, but it was
a great apology.
And a perfect way
to end my scrapbook.
I'm going to call this photo
"Barney's Redemption."
Could you stop
giving me the finger?
you reached for the sky
you reach
Eventually
Barney did figure out
who the mysterious girl was.
But more on that later.
Barney, come back to bed.
You have
a shuttle launch
tomorrow.
And that asteroid
that's headed
for Manhattan,
it's not gonna
destroy itself.