1 00:00:00,809 --> 00:00:02,475 Stella and I 2 00:00:00,809 --> 00:00:02,475 had started dating, 3 00:00:02,475 --> 00:00:04,308 and I'd just gotten 4 00:00:02,475 --> 00:00:04,308 a big raise at work, 5 00:00:04,308 --> 00:00:06,141 so I decided to 6 00:00:04,308 --> 00:00:06,141 purchase something I knew 7 00:00:06,141 --> 00:00:08,016 would be the envy 8 00:00:06,141 --> 00:00:08,016 of all my friends. 9 00:00:08,016 --> 00:00:09,933 A new car! 10 00:00:09,933 --> 00:00:13,559 Ted, this is New York City, 11 00:00:09,933 --> 00:00:13,559 you're never gonna drive it. 12 00:00:13,559 --> 00:00:15,726 This is a really, 13 00:00:13,559 --> 00:00:15,726 really stupid purchase, 14 00:00:15,726 --> 00:00:18,849 and I'm sorry, 15 00:00:15,726 --> 00:00:18,849 but none of us 16 00:00:15,726 --> 00:00:18,849 can support it. 17 00:00:18,849 --> 00:00:20,225 Shotgun for eternity! 18 00:00:20,225 --> 00:00:21,849 You can't call 19 00:00:20,225 --> 00:00:21,849 shotgun for eternity. 20 00:00:21,849 --> 00:00:23,183 I just called it. 21 00:00:23,183 --> 00:00:24,517 You can't just 22 00:00:23,183 --> 00:00:24,517 call things, Barney. 23 00:00:24,517 --> 00:00:25,726 I call that 24 00:00:24,517 --> 00:00:25,726 I can call things! 25 00:00:25,726 --> 00:00:27,517 Hey, baby. 26 00:00:28,601 --> 00:00:29,684 Beer. 27 00:00:29,684 --> 00:00:31,642 Are you okay? 28 00:00:31,642 --> 00:00:32,891 Beer. 29 00:00:40,100 --> 00:00:41,974 Okay, what happened? 30 00:00:41,974 --> 00:00:44,100 They always told me 31 00:00:41,974 --> 00:00:44,100 that working 32 00:00:41,974 --> 00:00:44,100 at a big law firm 33 00:00:44,100 --> 00:00:46,183 was like being at war. 34 00:00:46,183 --> 00:00:48,974 You get out of law school, 35 00:00:46,183 --> 00:00:48,974 it's like 36 00:00:46,183 --> 00:00:48,974 getting out of boot camp. 37 00:00:48,974 --> 00:00:52,475 That first day at work, 38 00:00:48,974 --> 00:00:52,475 you're storming the beaches, 39 00:00:48,974 --> 00:00:52,475 full of piss and vinegar... 40 00:00:52,475 --> 00:00:54,141 Dude, we're 41 00:00:52,475 --> 00:00:54,141 lawyers now. 42 00:00:54,141 --> 00:00:55,392 Totally. 43 00:00:55,392 --> 00:00:57,058 We've got briefcases 44 00:00:55,392 --> 00:00:57,058 and everything. 45 00:00:57,058 --> 00:00:58,974 Freaking briefcases. 46 00:00:58,974 --> 00:01:00,308 You have 47 00:00:58,974 --> 00:01:00,308 anything in yours? 48 00:01:00,308 --> 00:01:01,267 Totally empty. You? 49 00:01:01,267 --> 00:01:02,350 Candy bars. 50 00:01:06,183 --> 00:01:09,058 Then you get 51 00:01:06,183 --> 00:01:09,058 in the trenches side by side 52 00:01:06,183 --> 00:01:09,058 with your buddies 53 00:01:09,058 --> 00:01:11,350 and you feel 54 00:01:09,058 --> 00:01:11,350 a sense of camaraderie. 55 00:01:11,350 --> 00:01:12,392 But before too long... 56 00:01:12,392 --> 00:01:13,768 Hey, Marshall. 57 00:01:13,768 --> 00:01:14,933 the shells start to fall. 58 00:01:14,933 --> 00:01:17,350 Hello, Arthur. 59 00:01:17,350 --> 00:01:19,517 Arthur Hobbs is one of the 60 00:01:17,350 --> 00:01:19,517 senior partners in my firm 61 00:01:19,517 --> 00:01:21,517 and he's my boss. 62 00:01:21,517 --> 00:01:23,475 He seems like a nice guy, 63 00:01:23,475 --> 00:01:25,767 but he's got a nickname. 64 00:01:25,767 --> 00:01:27,767 Artillery Arthur. 65 00:01:27,767 --> 00:01:29,100 How's your morning going? 66 00:01:29,100 --> 00:01:30,849 It's going fine. 67 00:01:29,100 --> 00:01:30,849 How is yours? 68 00:01:30,849 --> 00:01:32,434 Not too bad, not too bad. 69 00:01:32,434 --> 00:01:34,642 Hey, is Ferguson in yet? 70 00:01:34,642 --> 00:01:36,767 He is, he's just in 71 00:01:34,642 --> 00:01:36,767 his office next door. 72 00:01:36,767 --> 00:01:38,767 That's great. 73 00:01:36,767 --> 00:01:38,767 Have a good one, buddy. 74 00:01:38,767 --> 00:01:40,058 You, too. 75 00:01:42,141 --> 00:01:43,726 You never know 76 00:01:42,141 --> 00:01:43,726 who's gonna get hit. 77 00:01:43,726 --> 00:01:45,183 Hey, Ferguson! 78 00:01:45,183 --> 00:01:47,642 I read your report, 79 00:01:45,183 --> 00:01:47,642 and it's complete crap! 80 00:01:47,642 --> 00:01:49,808 No, you know what? 81 00:01:47,642 --> 00:01:49,808 That's an insult to crap. 82 00:01:49,808 --> 00:01:53,308 If crap could eat 83 00:01:49,808 --> 00:01:53,308 and then crap stuff out, 84 00:01:49,808 --> 00:01:53,308 it's that! 85 00:01:53,308 --> 00:01:56,933 Your report is the crap 86 00:01:53,308 --> 00:01:56,933 that crap craps! 87 00:01:56,933 --> 00:01:59,475 If you last 88 00:01:56,933 --> 00:01:59,475 two more days here, 89 00:01:56,933 --> 00:01:59,475 I'll be shocked! 90 00:01:59,475 --> 00:02:00,684 Shocked! 91 00:02:02,891 --> 00:02:06,267 It was brutal, 92 00:02:02,891 --> 00:02:06,267 but the worst was 93 00:02:02,891 --> 00:02:06,267 a few minutes later. 94 00:02:08,141 --> 00:02:09,434 Did you hear that? 95 00:02:10,350 --> 00:02:13,267 Yeah, sorry. 96 00:02:13,267 --> 00:02:17,100 Can you believe he did that 97 00:02:13,267 --> 00:02:17,100 on Take Your Daughter 98 00:02:13,267 --> 00:02:17,100 to Work day? 99 00:02:20,559 --> 00:02:22,392 So that brings us 100 00:02:20,559 --> 00:02:22,392 to today. 101 00:02:22,392 --> 00:02:24,183 Oh, no. 102 00:02:24,183 --> 00:02:26,100 A little background. 103 00:02:24,183 --> 00:02:26,100 So I'm working 104 00:02:24,183 --> 00:02:26,100 on this report 105 00:02:26,100 --> 00:02:29,434 called "Using 23-B-3 106 00:02:26,100 --> 00:02:29,434 spurious class 107 00:02:26,100 --> 00:02:29,434 action precedent 108 00:02:29,434 --> 00:02:31,308 "to contest 109 00:02:29,434 --> 00:02:31,308 a class certification 110 00:02:29,434 --> 00:02:31,308 order 111 00:02:31,308 --> 00:02:33,517 "based on a lack of 112 00:02:31,308 --> 00:02:33,517 commonality 113 00:02:31,308 --> 00:02:33,517 and numerosity..." 114 00:02:33,517 --> 00:02:35,559 Dude, you lost us. 115 00:02:35,559 --> 00:02:38,767 Can't you just call it 116 00:02:35,559 --> 00:02:38,767 something cool, 117 00:02:35,559 --> 00:02:38,767 like the "Ninja Report"? 118 00:02:38,767 --> 00:02:40,100 Okay. Yeah, 119 00:02:38,767 --> 00:02:40,100 fine, whatever. 120 00:02:40,100 --> 00:02:41,725 Um... 121 00:02:41,725 --> 00:02:42,808 So I'm supposed to turn in 122 00:02:41,725 --> 00:02:42,808 the Ninja Report yesterday. 123 00:02:42,808 --> 00:02:44,100 Ooh! 124 00:02:44,100 --> 00:02:46,308 Awesome. 125 00:02:44,100 --> 00:02:46,308 Wow. Cool. 126 00:02:46,308 --> 00:02:49,849 But I got insanely busy 127 00:02:46,308 --> 00:02:49,849 with other stuff, I didn't 128 00:02:46,308 --> 00:02:49,849 get a chance to finish it, 129 00:02:49,849 --> 00:02:51,601 and then this morning... 130 00:02:51,601 --> 00:02:53,308 Hey, Ferguson. 131 00:02:51,601 --> 00:02:53,308 Hey, Arthur. 132 00:02:53,308 --> 00:02:54,475 How's your day going? 133 00:02:53,308 --> 00:02:54,475 I gotta go. 134 00:02:54,475 --> 00:02:55,933 Great. How is yours? 135 00:02:55,933 --> 00:02:57,100 Great, great. 136 00:02:57,100 --> 00:02:58,475 Hey, is Marshall 137 00:02:57,100 --> 00:02:58,475 in yet? 138 00:02:58,475 --> 00:03:00,559 Oh, thank God. 139 00:03:00,559 --> 00:03:02,058 Yeah, he's right 140 00:03:00,559 --> 00:03:02,058 in there. 141 00:03:02,058 --> 00:03:04,517 Fantastic. 142 00:03:02,058 --> 00:03:04,517 Have a good one, buddy. 143 00:03:07,141 --> 00:03:08,225 And then, 144 00:03:09,183 --> 00:03:10,475 he screamed at me. 145 00:03:10,475 --> 00:03:12,767 Oh, baby, 146 00:03:10,475 --> 00:03:12,767 I'm so sorry. 147 00:03:12,767 --> 00:03:14,559 What, that's it? 148 00:03:14,559 --> 00:03:17,683 You're upset 149 00:03:14,559 --> 00:03:17,683 because a guy talked 150 00:03:14,559 --> 00:03:17,683 loudly near you? 151 00:03:17,683 --> 00:03:20,517 Barney, I have never 152 00:03:17,683 --> 00:03:20,517 been screamed at 153 00:03:17,683 --> 00:03:20,517 like that in my life. 154 00:03:20,517 --> 00:03:22,974 Come on, when's the last time 155 00:03:20,517 --> 00:03:22,974 you got screamed at, at work? 156 00:03:22,974 --> 00:03:27,100 I got screamed at 157 00:03:22,974 --> 00:03:27,100 three times today. 158 00:03:22,974 --> 00:03:27,100 Once in Korean. 159 00:03:27,100 --> 00:03:29,350 This is corporate 160 00:03:27,100 --> 00:03:29,350 America, Marshall. 161 00:03:29,350 --> 00:03:31,058 Screaming is 162 00:03:29,350 --> 00:03:31,058 a motivational tool, 163 00:03:31,058 --> 00:03:33,725 like Christmas bonuses 164 00:03:31,058 --> 00:03:33,725 or sexual harassment. 165 00:03:33,725 --> 00:03:36,183 It's just good business. 166 00:03:36,183 --> 00:03:40,808 Oh, baby, it's just not fair. 167 00:03:36,183 --> 00:03:40,808 You've been working so hard. 168 00:03:40,808 --> 00:03:42,849 Late nights, weekends. 169 00:03:43,767 --> 00:03:45,517 I never see you. 170 00:03:49,100 --> 00:03:51,517 We've barely 171 00:03:49,100 --> 00:03:51,517 made love in weeks. 172 00:03:55,141 --> 00:03:57,974 It's bad, guys. 173 00:03:55,141 --> 00:03:57,974 Mama needs her sugar. 174 00:03:57,974 --> 00:04:01,141 Look, Marshall, 175 00:03:57,974 --> 00:04:01,141 he screamed at you, 176 00:03:57,974 --> 00:04:01,141 you took it. 177 00:04:01,141 --> 00:04:03,058 He probably respects 178 00:04:01,141 --> 00:04:03,058 you more for it. 179 00:04:03,058 --> 00:04:06,183 Yeah, about that. 180 00:04:06,183 --> 00:04:10,183 So Arthur's busy giving me 181 00:04:06,183 --> 00:04:10,183 the full screaming treatment, 182 00:04:11,141 --> 00:04:13,308 face turning red, 183 00:04:13,308 --> 00:04:16,016 vein in his forehead 184 00:04:13,308 --> 00:04:16,016 about to burst, 185 00:04:16,016 --> 00:04:18,683 spittle flying like shrapnel. 186 00:04:18,683 --> 00:04:22,350 Everyone you work with 187 00:04:18,683 --> 00:04:22,350 walking by your office, 188 00:04:18,683 --> 00:04:22,350 peering in. 189 00:04:26,267 --> 00:04:29,392 And, suddenly, 190 00:04:26,267 --> 00:04:29,392 I just felt all of it. 191 00:04:30,308 --> 00:04:31,308 All of what? 192 00:04:31,308 --> 00:04:33,058 All of it. 193 00:04:33,058 --> 00:04:35,308 The fact that 194 00:04:33,058 --> 00:04:35,308 I became a lawyer to 195 00:04:33,058 --> 00:04:35,308 save the environment, 196 00:04:35,308 --> 00:04:37,725 and now I'm working 197 00:04:35,308 --> 00:04:37,725 for the bad guys instead. 198 00:04:37,725 --> 00:04:39,933 The fact that 199 00:04:37,725 --> 00:04:39,933 I am stuck in this job 200 00:04:39,933 --> 00:04:44,141 because of a mortgage 201 00:04:39,933 --> 00:04:44,141 I can barely afford on 202 00:04:39,933 --> 00:04:44,141 an apartment that is crooked. 203 00:04:44,141 --> 00:04:45,475 The fact that 204 00:04:44,141 --> 00:04:45,475 I am a grown man, 205 00:04:45,475 --> 00:04:48,183 and nobody, 206 00:04:45,475 --> 00:04:48,183 not even 207 00:04:45,475 --> 00:04:48,183 Artillery Arthur, 208 00:04:48,183 --> 00:04:49,767 has the right 209 00:04:48,183 --> 00:04:49,767 to talk to me like that! 210 00:04:49,767 --> 00:04:52,100 Uh-oh! 211 00:04:52,100 --> 00:04:54,183 I begged my body 212 00:04:52,100 --> 00:04:54,183 not to do it. 213 00:04:55,141 --> 00:04:56,808 But it was no use. 214 00:05:03,517 --> 00:05:05,434 I just... I just... 215 00:05:12,016 --> 00:05:14,308 Just because 216 00:05:12,016 --> 00:05:14,308 you weren't around 217 00:05:12,016 --> 00:05:14,308 for this, 218 00:05:14,308 --> 00:05:17,392 I called shotgun 219 00:05:14,308 --> 00:05:17,392 for all eternity 220 00:05:14,308 --> 00:05:17,392 in Ted's car. 221 00:05:37,141 --> 00:05:40,891 Dude, I can't believe 222 00:05:37,141 --> 00:05:40,891 you cried 223 00:05:37,141 --> 00:05:40,891 in front of your boss. 224 00:05:40,891 --> 00:05:44,725 I don't know what happened. 225 00:05:40,891 --> 00:05:44,725 There's just something about 226 00:05:40,891 --> 00:05:44,725 being yelled at like that, 227 00:05:44,725 --> 00:05:49,725 like I was being scolded 228 00:05:44,725 --> 00:05:49,725 by my dad. 229 00:05:44,725 --> 00:05:49,725 Suddenly, I was a little boy. 230 00:05:49,725 --> 00:05:52,392 Is "boy" 231 00:05:49,725 --> 00:05:52,392 the right word? 232 00:05:52,392 --> 00:05:54,933 I felt absolutely 233 00:05:52,392 --> 00:05:54,933 powerless. 234 00:05:54,933 --> 00:05:58,267 Flaccid. 235 00:05:54,933 --> 00:05:58,267 Hell, I felt castrated. 236 00:05:58,267 --> 00:06:00,475 God, you're hot 237 00:05:58,267 --> 00:06:00,475 right now. 238 00:06:00,475 --> 00:06:02,516 And the worst thing is, 239 00:06:00,475 --> 00:06:02,516 tomorrow morning 240 00:06:02,516 --> 00:06:05,058 I have to walk into 241 00:06:02,516 --> 00:06:05,058 Arthur's office and 242 00:06:02,516 --> 00:06:05,058 give him the Ninja Report. 243 00:06:05,058 --> 00:06:07,434 Oh. 244 00:06:05,058 --> 00:06:07,434 Ninjas are cool. 245 00:06:07,434 --> 00:06:10,767 How the hell 246 00:06:07,434 --> 00:06:10,767 am I supposed to 247 00:06:07,434 --> 00:06:10,767 face this guy again? 248 00:06:10,767 --> 00:06:12,350 Here's what I would do 249 00:06:10,767 --> 00:06:12,350 if I were you. 250 00:06:14,100 --> 00:06:15,891 Hi, Arthur. 251 00:06:14,100 --> 00:06:15,891 Hello, Marshall. 252 00:06:15,891 --> 00:06:18,308 Have you finally finished 253 00:06:15,891 --> 00:06:18,308 the Ninja Report? 254 00:06:18,308 --> 00:06:19,808 Yeah, I got it. 255 00:06:21,267 --> 00:06:22,683 Right here. 256 00:06:24,267 --> 00:06:26,683 I think it's gonna 257 00:06:24,267 --> 00:06:26,683 blow you away. 258 00:06:27,767 --> 00:06:29,933 Please, I have a family. 259 00:06:29,933 --> 00:06:31,434 So we good? 260 00:06:31,434 --> 00:06:33,849 Yeah. We're so good. 261 00:06:33,849 --> 00:06:36,516 Then why are you 262 00:06:33,849 --> 00:06:36,516 still in my office? 263 00:06:41,808 --> 00:06:46,725 Okay, gun violence might be 264 00:06:41,808 --> 00:06:46,725 the answer to everything 265 00:06:41,808 --> 00:06:46,725 up in Canada, Robin, 266 00:06:46,725 --> 00:06:49,683 but here in America, 267 00:06:46,725 --> 00:06:49,683 we solve our problems 268 00:06:46,725 --> 00:06:49,683 with words. 269 00:06:49,683 --> 00:06:52,600 Marshall, you go in 270 00:06:49,683 --> 00:06:52,600 and you dazzle this guy 271 00:06:52,600 --> 00:06:55,558 with a big eloquent speech 272 00:06:52,600 --> 00:06:55,558 defending human dignity. 273 00:06:55,558 --> 00:06:56,974 Like Abraham Lincoln. 274 00:06:56,974 --> 00:07:00,058 Yeah, because it's so easy 275 00:06:56,974 --> 00:07:00,058 just to bust out 276 00:07:00,058 --> 00:07:02,058 a big, eloquent speech 277 00:07:00,058 --> 00:07:02,058 off the top of your head. 278 00:07:03,516 --> 00:07:04,849 Observe. 279 00:07:04,849 --> 00:07:06,183 Arthur? 280 00:07:06,183 --> 00:07:07,267 What do you want, 281 00:07:06,183 --> 00:07:07,267 Marshall? 282 00:07:07,267 --> 00:07:09,308 Justice, sir. 283 00:07:09,308 --> 00:07:11,974 You see, we are all born 284 00:07:09,308 --> 00:07:11,974 with certain 285 00:07:09,308 --> 00:07:11,974 incontrovertible rights. 286 00:07:11,974 --> 00:07:16,183 The most fundamentally 287 00:07:11,974 --> 00:07:16,183 paramount of which 288 00:07:11,974 --> 00:07:16,183 is the right... 289 00:07:16,183 --> 00:07:18,433 Wait, you can't be 290 00:07:16,183 --> 00:07:18,433 "fundamentally 291 00:07:16,183 --> 00:07:18,433 paramount." 292 00:07:18,433 --> 00:07:19,933 One means "highest," 293 00:07:18,433 --> 00:07:19,933 one means "lowest." 294 00:07:19,933 --> 00:07:22,350 You are nailing this. 295 00:07:22,350 --> 00:07:24,808 Human beings have rights, 296 00:07:24,808 --> 00:07:27,767 and those rights are... Um... 297 00:07:27,767 --> 00:07:30,183 You got me hooked, 298 00:07:27,767 --> 00:07:30,183 reel me in. 299 00:07:30,183 --> 00:07:31,849 There are certain justices 300 00:07:31,849 --> 00:07:36,225 that cannot or will not 301 00:07:31,849 --> 00:07:36,225 be inalienable as such 302 00:07:37,183 --> 00:07:38,641 for the future. 303 00:07:38,641 --> 00:07:40,308 Stuck the landing. 304 00:07:38,641 --> 00:07:40,308 Bravo! 305 00:07:40,308 --> 00:07:41,933 Thank you. 306 00:07:43,808 --> 00:07:46,767 Security's gonna 307 00:07:43,808 --> 00:07:46,767 rough you up a bit 308 00:07:43,808 --> 00:07:46,767 on the way out. 309 00:07:49,725 --> 00:07:52,141 Guys, guys, this is not 310 00:07:49,725 --> 00:07:52,141 helping, okay? 311 00:07:52,141 --> 00:07:54,974 I can't have 312 00:07:52,141 --> 00:07:54,974 some big confrontation 313 00:07:52,141 --> 00:07:54,974 with Arthur. 314 00:07:54,974 --> 00:07:57,225 I need this job. 315 00:07:54,974 --> 00:07:57,225 I need the money. 316 00:07:57,225 --> 00:07:59,267 Yeah, but how good 317 00:07:57,225 --> 00:07:59,267 would it feel 318 00:07:57,225 --> 00:07:59,267 to walk in there tomorrow, 319 00:07:59,267 --> 00:08:01,141 tell him off and then quit? 320 00:08:01,141 --> 00:08:04,267 It's great to fantasize about, 321 00:08:01,141 --> 00:08:04,267 but nobody 322 00:08:01,141 --> 00:08:04,267 ever actually does it. 323 00:08:04,267 --> 00:08:06,683 Gary Blauman did it. 324 00:08:06,683 --> 00:08:09,391 Guy I used to work with, 325 00:08:06,683 --> 00:08:09,391 the guy's a legend now. 326 00:08:09,391 --> 00:08:11,058 We were 327 00:08:09,391 --> 00:08:11,058 at the morning meeting 328 00:08:11,058 --> 00:08:14,141 and old Blauman was 329 00:08:11,058 --> 00:08:14,141 getting reamed out 330 00:08:11,058 --> 00:08:14,141 but good. 331 00:08:14,141 --> 00:08:16,308 Pretty much routine 332 00:08:14,141 --> 00:08:16,308 at the morning meeting, 333 00:08:16,308 --> 00:08:19,891 but then, 334 00:08:16,308 --> 00:08:19,891 on this particular day, 335 00:08:16,308 --> 00:08:19,891 something amazing happened. 336 00:08:19,891 --> 00:08:22,849 You made yourself look bad, 337 00:08:19,891 --> 00:08:22,849 you made 338 00:08:19,891 --> 00:08:22,849 this company look bad, 339 00:08:22,849 --> 00:08:27,267 and, quite frankly, 340 00:08:22,849 --> 00:08:27,267 you made our friends, 341 00:08:22,849 --> 00:08:27,267 the North Koreans, look bad! 342 00:08:27,267 --> 00:08:29,225 And I'll tell you 343 00:08:27,267 --> 00:08:29,225 something else, Blauman, 344 00:08:29,225 --> 00:08:30,308 if you think 345 00:08:29,225 --> 00:08:30,308 for one moment... 346 00:08:30,308 --> 00:08:31,891 You know what, Bilson? 347 00:08:31,891 --> 00:08:33,849 You can kiss my ass. 348 00:08:33,849 --> 00:08:35,849 Oh, snap. 349 00:08:35,849 --> 00:08:37,891 What? 350 00:08:35,849 --> 00:08:37,891 You heard me. 351 00:08:37,891 --> 00:08:40,641 I don't need to 352 00:08:37,891 --> 00:08:40,641 take your crap anymore. 353 00:08:40,641 --> 00:08:42,767 My cousin's Web site 354 00:08:40,641 --> 00:08:42,767 went public today, 355 00:08:42,767 --> 00:08:45,016 and I made a pile of 356 00:08:42,767 --> 00:08:45,016 money on the IPO, 357 00:08:45,016 --> 00:08:48,433 so you know what I think 358 00:08:45,016 --> 00:08:48,433 of this whole damn company? 359 00:08:52,183 --> 00:08:53,308 Oh, my God. 360 00:08:53,308 --> 00:08:55,058 He peed on 361 00:08:53,308 --> 00:08:55,058 the conference table? 362 00:08:56,891 --> 00:09:01,225 Come on, come on, come on, 363 00:08:56,891 --> 00:09:01,225 come on, come on, 364 00:08:56,891 --> 00:09:01,225 come on, come on. 365 00:09:01,225 --> 00:09:05,349 Look, could you guys 366 00:09:01,225 --> 00:09:05,349 just look away for a second 367 00:09:01,225 --> 00:09:05,349 till I get started? 368 00:09:06,808 --> 00:09:09,767 Come on. Come on. 369 00:09:09,767 --> 00:09:11,600 Does this help? 370 00:09:12,725 --> 00:09:14,849 Eventually, he just 371 00:09:12,725 --> 00:09:14,849 gave up and left. 372 00:09:14,849 --> 00:09:17,016 And then his cousin's 373 00:09:14,849 --> 00:09:17,016 Web site tanked. 374 00:09:17,016 --> 00:09:19,100 And then he became 375 00:09:17,016 --> 00:09:19,100 a janitor 376 00:09:17,016 --> 00:09:19,100 at an old folks' home 377 00:09:19,100 --> 00:09:22,725 and moved into 378 00:09:19,100 --> 00:09:22,725 a one-room apartment 379 00:09:19,100 --> 00:09:22,725 above a bowling alley. 380 00:09:24,849 --> 00:09:27,058 That's it? 381 00:09:24,849 --> 00:09:27,058 That's the end 382 00:09:24,849 --> 00:09:27,058 of the story? 383 00:09:27,058 --> 00:09:29,933 No, no, of course not. 384 00:09:27,058 --> 00:09:29,933 He died. 385 00:09:29,933 --> 00:09:33,141 How does that help me? 386 00:09:29,933 --> 00:09:33,141 How does 387 00:09:29,933 --> 00:09:33,141 any of this help me? 388 00:09:33,141 --> 00:09:35,474 Can somebody, 389 00:09:33,141 --> 00:09:35,474 for God's sakes, 390 00:09:35,474 --> 00:09:38,600 please give me 391 00:09:35,474 --> 00:09:38,600 one piece 392 00:09:35,474 --> 00:09:38,600 of useful advice? 393 00:09:38,600 --> 00:09:41,516 Lily, control your woman. 394 00:09:41,516 --> 00:09:44,516 The lesson of Blauman 395 00:09:41,516 --> 00:09:44,516 is that when your boss 396 00:09:44,516 --> 00:09:46,683 screams at you, 397 00:09:44,516 --> 00:09:46,683 you never scream back. 398 00:09:46,683 --> 00:09:48,933 That's why 399 00:09:46,683 --> 00:09:48,933 there's a little thing 400 00:09:46,683 --> 00:09:48,933 in corporate America 401 00:09:48,933 --> 00:09:51,933 I like to call 402 00:09:48,933 --> 00:09:51,933 the chain of screaming. 403 00:09:51,933 --> 00:09:53,808 Chain of screaming? 404 00:09:51,933 --> 00:09:53,808 Yes. 405 00:09:53,808 --> 00:09:56,600 The chain of screaming 406 00:09:53,808 --> 00:09:56,600 starts at the top. 407 00:09:56,600 --> 00:09:58,349 Arthur's boss's boss 408 00:09:56,600 --> 00:09:58,349 screams at Arthur's boss. 409 00:09:59,725 --> 00:10:02,058 Arthur's boss 410 00:09:59,725 --> 00:10:02,058 screams at Arthur. 411 00:10:02,058 --> 00:10:04,767 Arthur screams at you. 412 00:10:04,767 --> 00:10:07,016 You go home 413 00:10:04,767 --> 00:10:07,016 and scream at Lily. 414 00:10:07,016 --> 00:10:11,100 Lily screams at 415 00:10:07,016 --> 00:10:11,100 one of the kids 416 00:10:07,016 --> 00:10:11,100 in her kindergarten class. 417 00:10:11,100 --> 00:10:14,474 Then that kid 418 00:10:11,100 --> 00:10:14,474 screams at her dad, 419 00:10:14,474 --> 00:10:16,891 Arthur's boss's boss. 420 00:10:16,891 --> 00:10:19,725 And the whole thing 421 00:10:16,891 --> 00:10:19,725 starts all over again, 422 00:10:19,725 --> 00:10:22,808 thus completing 423 00:10:19,725 --> 00:10:22,808 the circle of screaming. 424 00:10:22,808 --> 00:10:24,641 I thought it was 425 00:10:22,808 --> 00:10:24,641 a chain of screaming. 426 00:10:24,641 --> 00:10:27,183 It's a circle, Ted, 427 00:10:24,641 --> 00:10:27,183 I called it a circle. 428 00:10:27,183 --> 00:10:28,849 I don't scream at Lily. 429 00:10:28,849 --> 00:10:30,808 And I don't scream 430 00:10:28,849 --> 00:10:30,808 at my kids, 431 00:10:30,808 --> 00:10:33,933 none of whom have 432 00:10:30,808 --> 00:10:33,933 parents who work 433 00:10:30,808 --> 00:10:33,933 at Marshall's firm. 434 00:10:33,933 --> 00:10:35,474 So it's not a circle. 435 00:10:35,474 --> 00:10:37,808 Fine. You want it to 436 00:10:35,474 --> 00:10:37,808 be a chain of screaming, 437 00:10:37,808 --> 00:10:39,349 it's a chain of screaming. 438 00:10:39,349 --> 00:10:41,100 I came up 439 00:10:39,349 --> 00:10:41,100 with the circle idea 440 00:10:39,349 --> 00:10:41,100 halfway through, 441 00:10:41,100 --> 00:10:42,808 'cause I thought 442 00:10:41,100 --> 00:10:42,808 it was a more 443 00:10:41,100 --> 00:10:42,808 elegant metaphor, 444 00:10:42,808 --> 00:10:44,016 but fine, ruin it! 445 00:10:44,016 --> 00:10:46,016 You guys always 446 00:10:44,016 --> 00:10:46,016 undermine me 447 00:10:46,016 --> 00:10:48,391 when I'm trying to 448 00:10:46,016 --> 00:10:48,391 make a point, 449 00:10:46,016 --> 00:10:48,391 and I'm sick of it! 450 00:10:48,391 --> 00:10:50,808 God, I'm surrounded 451 00:10:48,391 --> 00:10:50,808 by idiots! 452 00:10:51,725 --> 00:10:52,933 Idiots! 453 00:10:55,891 --> 00:10:58,767 See, doesn't everyone 454 00:10:55,891 --> 00:10:58,767 feel better now? 455 00:10:58,767 --> 00:11:02,224 Lily, I need 456 00:10:58,767 --> 00:11:02,224 your take on this. 457 00:10:58,767 --> 00:11:02,224 What should I do? 458 00:11:02,224 --> 00:11:04,100 Well, what I teach my kids 459 00:11:02,224 --> 00:11:04,100 in kindergarten... 460 00:11:04,100 --> 00:11:06,391 Oh, God. 461 00:11:06,391 --> 00:11:09,600 is, when dealing 462 00:11:06,391 --> 00:11:09,600 with a bully, 463 00:11:06,391 --> 00:11:09,600 the most important thing 464 00:11:09,600 --> 00:11:11,767 is to be constructive 465 00:11:09,600 --> 00:11:11,767 and positive. 466 00:11:12,725 --> 00:11:13,849 Hello, Arthur. 467 00:11:13,849 --> 00:11:15,600 Hello, Marshall. 468 00:11:15,600 --> 00:11:19,349 I have the Ninja Report 469 00:11:15,600 --> 00:11:19,349 right here. But, Arthur, 470 00:11:19,349 --> 00:11:22,600 in the future, 471 00:11:19,349 --> 00:11:22,600 if you want someone 472 00:11:19,349 --> 00:11:22,600 to do their best work, 473 00:11:22,600 --> 00:11:25,849 try to motivate them, 474 00:11:22,600 --> 00:11:25,849 not with fear 475 00:11:22,600 --> 00:11:25,849 and intimidation, 476 00:11:25,849 --> 00:11:30,808 but through encouragement, 477 00:11:25,849 --> 00:11:30,808 inspiration and respect. 478 00:11:30,808 --> 00:11:35,182 Well said, Marshall. 479 00:11:30,808 --> 00:11:35,182 I needed to hear that. 480 00:11:35,182 --> 00:11:37,683 By the way, 481 00:11:35,182 --> 00:11:37,683 I saw your wife's picture 482 00:11:35,182 --> 00:11:37,683 in your office. 483 00:11:37,683 --> 00:11:39,683 That is one tasty slice. 484 00:11:39,683 --> 00:11:43,349 Oh, you're damn right. 485 00:11:39,683 --> 00:11:43,349 You know what I'm gonna do 486 00:11:39,683 --> 00:11:43,349 when I get home? 487 00:11:43,349 --> 00:11:44,641 Oh, yeah. 488 00:11:44,641 --> 00:11:46,725 I'm gonna rip 489 00:11:44,641 --> 00:11:46,725 that girl's clothes off. 490 00:11:46,725 --> 00:11:47,933 That's it. 491 00:11:47,933 --> 00:11:49,600 Just throw her 492 00:11:47,933 --> 00:11:49,600 on the bed. 493 00:11:49,600 --> 00:11:51,100 That's where 494 00:11:49,600 --> 00:11:51,100 she belongs. 495 00:11:51,100 --> 00:11:53,767 And drive her home 496 00:11:51,100 --> 00:11:53,767 like a pack of sled dogs! 497 00:11:53,767 --> 00:11:55,725 Oh, yeah! 498 00:11:53,767 --> 00:11:55,725 Oh, yeah! 499 00:11:58,808 --> 00:12:01,891 It's bad, guys. 500 00:11:58,808 --> 00:12:01,891 Mama needs it bad. 501 00:12:03,767 --> 00:12:06,224 You're right, baby, 502 00:12:03,767 --> 00:12:06,224 it's about respect. 503 00:12:06,224 --> 00:12:09,016 That is the first 504 00:12:06,224 --> 00:12:09,016 useful thing anyone's 505 00:12:06,224 --> 00:12:09,016 said to me tonight. 506 00:12:09,016 --> 00:12:10,558 Can you give me 507 00:12:09,016 --> 00:12:10,558 that speech again? 508 00:12:10,558 --> 00:12:12,182 I'm gonna 509 00:12:10,558 --> 00:12:12,182 drive her home 510 00:12:10,558 --> 00:12:12,182 like a pack of... 511 00:12:12,182 --> 00:12:13,641 Right, no, 512 00:12:12,182 --> 00:12:13,641 the other part, 513 00:12:12,182 --> 00:12:13,641 please. 514 00:12:13,641 --> 00:12:15,808 I have the Ninja Report 515 00:12:13,641 --> 00:12:15,808 right here, but... 516 00:12:15,808 --> 00:12:17,891 And it seemed like 517 00:12:15,808 --> 00:12:17,891 that was the end of it, 518 00:12:17,891 --> 00:12:20,433 but it wasn't, 519 00:12:17,891 --> 00:12:20,433 because the next night... 520 00:12:20,433 --> 00:12:23,516 Which of these carpets 521 00:12:20,433 --> 00:12:23,516 would look better 522 00:12:20,433 --> 00:12:23,516 in the new apartment? 523 00:12:23,516 --> 00:12:26,516 I like the color 524 00:12:23,516 --> 00:12:26,516 of this one, 525 00:12:23,516 --> 00:12:26,516 but this one's so soft. 526 00:12:26,516 --> 00:12:29,433 It would feel great 527 00:12:26,516 --> 00:12:29,433 on your bare feet 528 00:12:29,433 --> 00:12:34,391 or your bare back, 529 00:12:29,433 --> 00:12:34,391 a bead of eager sweat 530 00:12:34,391 --> 00:12:36,767 rolling down 531 00:12:34,391 --> 00:12:36,767 your trembling bosom. 532 00:12:39,683 --> 00:12:42,849 Lily, didn't 533 00:12:39,683 --> 00:12:42,849 we just go through this 534 00:12:39,683 --> 00:12:42,849 with bathroom tiles? 535 00:12:45,433 --> 00:12:47,558 Hey. 536 00:12:45,433 --> 00:12:47,558 Don't say my name. 537 00:12:47,558 --> 00:12:50,224 Lily can't know it's me. 538 00:12:47,558 --> 00:12:50,224 Just pretend 539 00:12:47,558 --> 00:12:50,224 you're talking to Stella. 540 00:12:50,224 --> 00:12:51,849 Be all lovey-dovey. 541 00:12:51,849 --> 00:12:54,224 Hey, Stella. 542 00:12:54,224 --> 00:12:56,767 Sweetie, how's it going? 543 00:12:56,767 --> 00:12:59,099 Not good, 544 00:12:56,767 --> 00:12:59,099 not good at all. 545 00:13:00,058 --> 00:13:01,558 Where are you right now? 546 00:13:01,558 --> 00:13:04,600 Right downstairs, 547 00:13:01,558 --> 00:13:04,600 come find me. 548 00:13:04,600 --> 00:13:05,849 Without Lily. 549 00:13:06,808 --> 00:13:08,683 Okay, I'll see you soon. 550 00:13:09,641 --> 00:13:11,266 I love you. 551 00:13:11,266 --> 00:13:14,099 I love you, too. 552 00:13:14,099 --> 00:13:17,182 Wow, you two 553 00:13:14,099 --> 00:13:17,182 are already saying 554 00:13:14,099 --> 00:13:17,182 the "L" word, huh? 555 00:13:18,307 --> 00:13:20,224 Apparently. 556 00:13:20,224 --> 00:13:21,849 You hitting that? 557 00:13:29,474 --> 00:13:30,600 Uh-oh! 558 00:13:30,600 --> 00:13:32,349 I'm in trouble, Ted. 559 00:13:39,767 --> 00:13:41,891 Ted, I'm 560 00:13:39,767 --> 00:13:41,891 freaking out, man. 561 00:13:41,891 --> 00:13:43,182 Um... Uh... 562 00:13:43,182 --> 00:13:45,057 It's a new car, 563 00:13:43,182 --> 00:13:45,057 so just be careful... 564 00:13:45,057 --> 00:13:47,974 I did something stupid. 565 00:13:45,057 --> 00:13:47,974 Can we just drive somewhere? 566 00:13:47,974 --> 00:13:52,474 I need to get away. 567 00:13:47,974 --> 00:13:52,474 Just drive, man. 568 00:13:47,974 --> 00:13:52,474 Please, just drive. 569 00:13:52,474 --> 00:13:53,808 It's just this is 570 00:13:52,474 --> 00:13:53,808 a really good parking spot. 571 00:13:53,808 --> 00:13:55,140 Dude! 572 00:13:55,140 --> 00:13:56,974 Look, just tell me 573 00:13:55,140 --> 00:13:56,974 what happened first. 574 00:13:56,974 --> 00:13:59,140 Okay. Remember 575 00:13:56,974 --> 00:13:59,140 how I said I was gonna 576 00:13:56,974 --> 00:13:59,140 give that big speech 577 00:13:59,140 --> 00:14:01,057 that Lily told me to give, 578 00:13:59,140 --> 00:14:01,057 be firm but respectful? 579 00:14:01,057 --> 00:14:02,933 Well, it didn't 580 00:14:01,057 --> 00:14:02,933 totally go that way. 581 00:14:02,933 --> 00:14:05,307 There is a lot of 582 00:14:02,933 --> 00:14:05,307 ketchup on that burger. 583 00:14:05,307 --> 00:14:07,182 Sorry. What happened? 584 00:14:07,182 --> 00:14:08,974 After we all finished 585 00:14:07,182 --> 00:14:08,974 talking last night, 586 00:14:08,974 --> 00:14:11,558 I went down to the diner 587 00:14:08,974 --> 00:14:11,558 to finish working 588 00:14:08,974 --> 00:14:11,558 on the Ninja Report. 589 00:14:13,307 --> 00:14:15,057 Hey, Marshall. 590 00:14:16,974 --> 00:14:18,849 How long have you 591 00:14:16,974 --> 00:14:18,849 been sitting there? 592 00:14:18,849 --> 00:14:21,057 If you go in there 593 00:14:18,849 --> 00:14:21,057 with Lily's kindergarten 594 00:14:18,849 --> 00:14:21,057 nonsense, 595 00:14:21,057 --> 00:14:22,891 you're gonna 596 00:14:21,057 --> 00:14:22,891 get torn apart. 597 00:14:22,891 --> 00:14:24,974 I'm here to save your life. 598 00:14:22,891 --> 00:14:24,974 You hungry? 599 00:14:24,974 --> 00:14:26,349 Yeah, I was just 600 00:14:24,974 --> 00:14:26,349 about to order. 601 00:14:26,349 --> 00:14:27,474 What do you want? 602 00:14:27,474 --> 00:14:28,891 A BLT and gravy fries. 603 00:14:28,891 --> 00:14:30,057 Mmm. 604 00:14:30,057 --> 00:14:31,808 Okay, friends, 605 00:14:30,057 --> 00:14:31,808 what do you like? 606 00:14:31,808 --> 00:14:34,015 A green tea 607 00:14:31,808 --> 00:14:34,015 with lemon for me, 608 00:14:34,015 --> 00:14:36,307 and for my friend here, 609 00:14:34,015 --> 00:14:36,307 the meatloaf, please. 610 00:14:36,307 --> 00:14:38,182 Very good. 611 00:14:38,182 --> 00:14:39,474 You know, 612 00:14:38,182 --> 00:14:39,474 I didn't want meatloaf. 613 00:14:39,474 --> 00:14:41,600 Marshall, 614 00:14:41,600 --> 00:14:44,224 the chain of screaming 615 00:14:41,600 --> 00:14:44,224 is a real thing. 616 00:14:41,600 --> 00:14:44,224 Arthur screamed at you. 617 00:14:44,224 --> 00:14:45,558 Now you have to 618 00:14:44,224 --> 00:14:45,558 scream at someone else. 619 00:14:45,558 --> 00:14:47,307 No, I don't. 620 00:14:47,307 --> 00:14:50,808 Yes, you do, 621 00:14:47,307 --> 00:14:50,808 or else that anger 622 00:14:47,307 --> 00:14:50,808 is gonna eat you alive. 623 00:14:50,808 --> 00:14:52,933 Who would 624 00:14:50,808 --> 00:14:52,933 I even scream at? 625 00:14:52,933 --> 00:14:54,600 I don't know. 626 00:14:54,600 --> 00:14:56,933 How about somebody 627 00:14:54,600 --> 00:14:56,933 who's disappointed you? 628 00:14:56,933 --> 00:14:58,849 Someone who's let you down. 629 00:14:58,849 --> 00:15:01,725 Someone who's gonna 630 00:14:58,849 --> 00:15:01,725 bring you meatloaf 631 00:15:01,725 --> 00:15:05,933 when you explicitly ordered 632 00:15:01,725 --> 00:15:05,933 a BLT and gravy fries. 633 00:15:09,516 --> 00:15:10,808 No. 634 00:15:10,808 --> 00:15:12,391 Hey, I was just 635 00:15:10,808 --> 00:15:12,391 heading to the bar. 636 00:15:12,391 --> 00:15:13,683 What are you guys 637 00:15:12,391 --> 00:15:13,683 doing out here? 638 00:15:13,683 --> 00:15:15,433 Oh, I was just 639 00:15:13,683 --> 00:15:15,433 telling Ted a story. 640 00:15:15,433 --> 00:15:17,224 Oh, I like stories. 641 00:15:18,307 --> 00:15:19,891 You want a lick? 642 00:15:19,891 --> 00:15:21,725 What? 643 00:15:21,725 --> 00:15:23,725 Is that ice cream cone 644 00:15:21,725 --> 00:15:23,725 big enough? 645 00:15:23,725 --> 00:15:26,224 It's delicious enough. 646 00:15:26,224 --> 00:15:28,849 Okay, so, then 647 00:15:26,224 --> 00:15:28,849 I say to Barney... 648 00:15:28,849 --> 00:15:31,474 I'm not gonna scream 649 00:15:28,849 --> 00:15:31,474 at the waiter, Barney. 650 00:15:31,474 --> 00:15:33,683 Yes, you are. 651 00:15:33,683 --> 00:15:39,558 That waiter is every boss 652 00:15:33,683 --> 00:15:39,558 and every bully who ever 653 00:15:33,683 --> 00:15:39,558 embarrassed or belittled you. 654 00:15:39,558 --> 00:15:43,224 And how dare 655 00:15:39,558 --> 00:15:43,224 he deny you the one thing 656 00:15:39,558 --> 00:15:43,224 that you want 657 00:15:43,224 --> 00:15:45,307 that would make you happy 658 00:15:43,224 --> 00:15:45,307 at this moment. 659 00:15:45,307 --> 00:15:48,433 A BLT and gravy fries. 660 00:15:48,433 --> 00:15:53,182 One green tea with lemon, 661 00:15:48,433 --> 00:15:53,182 one meatloaf. 662 00:15:53,182 --> 00:15:54,433 Enjoy, my friends. 663 00:15:55,349 --> 00:15:56,890 Marshall. 664 00:15:56,890 --> 00:15:58,474 Excuse me. 665 00:15:59,516 --> 00:16:01,474 Yes? 666 00:16:01,474 --> 00:16:02,558 This is not 667 00:16:01,474 --> 00:16:02,558 what I ordered. 668 00:16:03,683 --> 00:16:05,182 Yes, it is. 669 00:16:08,182 --> 00:16:13,140 I beg your pardon, sir, 670 00:16:08,182 --> 00:16:13,140 but I ordered 671 00:16:08,182 --> 00:16:13,140 a BLT and gravy fries. 672 00:16:13,140 --> 00:16:15,433 And as the customer, 673 00:16:13,140 --> 00:16:15,433 I'm always right, so... 674 00:16:15,433 --> 00:16:19,349 No, no, I am not 675 00:16:15,433 --> 00:16:19,349 going to stand here 676 00:16:15,433 --> 00:16:19,349 and take this! 677 00:16:19,349 --> 00:16:23,099 I am at the end 678 00:16:19,349 --> 00:16:23,099 of a triple shift, 679 00:16:19,349 --> 00:16:23,099 that's 18 hours! 680 00:16:23,099 --> 00:16:26,349 And then I have to 681 00:16:23,099 --> 00:16:26,349 take two trains 682 00:16:23,099 --> 00:16:26,349 and a bus to Astoria 683 00:16:26,349 --> 00:16:29,307 to have my wife scream at me 684 00:16:26,349 --> 00:16:29,307 because I'm never home. 685 00:16:29,307 --> 00:16:33,433 No, no, you eat 686 00:16:29,307 --> 00:16:33,433 your damn meatloaf! 687 00:16:35,433 --> 00:16:37,266 Hey, what are you guys 688 00:16:35,433 --> 00:16:37,266 doing out here? 689 00:16:37,266 --> 00:16:39,057 Oh, sweet, 690 00:16:37,266 --> 00:16:39,057 can I get a toot? 691 00:16:39,057 --> 00:16:40,516 Against car rules, 692 00:16:39,057 --> 00:16:40,516 it's against car rules! 693 00:16:40,516 --> 00:16:42,474 Oh, Ted, relax, 694 00:16:40,516 --> 00:16:42,474 it's Cuban. 695 00:16:42,474 --> 00:16:45,099 People pay 696 00:16:42,474 --> 00:16:45,099 to have their car 697 00:16:42,474 --> 00:16:45,099 smell like this. 698 00:16:45,099 --> 00:16:46,641 Well, that's just not true. 699 00:16:46,641 --> 00:16:48,099 Oh, Marshall, 700 00:16:46,641 --> 00:16:48,099 switch seats with me. 701 00:16:48,099 --> 00:16:49,433 I called shotgun 702 00:16:48,099 --> 00:16:49,433 for all eternity. 703 00:16:49,433 --> 00:16:50,973 You can't call 704 00:16:49,433 --> 00:16:50,973 shotgun for eternity. 705 00:16:50,973 --> 00:16:52,057 Well, that's funny, 706 00:16:50,973 --> 00:16:52,057 'cause I did! 707 00:16:52,057 --> 00:16:53,516 It's case by case. 708 00:16:53,516 --> 00:16:56,683 Guys, I'm telling 709 00:16:53,516 --> 00:16:56,683 a life-altering story here! 710 00:16:58,015 --> 00:17:00,182 A 20% tip, really, 711 00:16:58,015 --> 00:17:00,182 for that waiter? 712 00:17:00,182 --> 00:17:01,767 I don't know, Barney, 713 00:17:00,182 --> 00:17:01,767 he worked a triple... 714 00:17:01,767 --> 00:17:03,391 I can't believe... 715 00:17:01,767 --> 00:17:03,391 You know what? 716 00:17:03,391 --> 00:17:06,099 If you're not gonna 717 00:17:03,391 --> 00:17:06,099 yell at the waiter, 718 00:17:03,391 --> 00:17:06,099 yell at me. 719 00:17:06,099 --> 00:17:07,932 What? 720 00:17:06,099 --> 00:17:07,932 Yell at me. 721 00:17:07,932 --> 00:17:09,307 I'm not gonna 722 00:17:07,932 --> 00:17:09,307 yell at you, Barney. 723 00:17:09,307 --> 00:17:11,973 What, you think 724 00:17:09,307 --> 00:17:11,973 you're gonna upset me? 725 00:17:11,973 --> 00:17:13,600 Please, give me 726 00:17:11,973 --> 00:17:13,600 your best shot. 727 00:17:13,600 --> 00:17:14,932 Okay, fine, what? 728 00:17:14,932 --> 00:17:17,391 You want me to yell at you? 729 00:17:14,932 --> 00:17:17,391 Yeah. 730 00:17:17,391 --> 00:17:20,848 This is me yelling 731 00:17:17,391 --> 00:17:20,848 at you, Barney. 732 00:17:20,848 --> 00:17:23,558 I'm sorry, I couldn't 733 00:17:20,848 --> 00:17:23,558 hear you over 734 00:17:20,848 --> 00:17:23,558 the sound of a butterfly 735 00:17:23,558 --> 00:17:26,391 landing on a leaf 736 00:17:23,558 --> 00:17:26,391 about three blocks away. 737 00:17:26,391 --> 00:17:29,099 This is me 738 00:17:26,391 --> 00:17:29,099 yelling at you, Barney! 739 00:17:29,099 --> 00:17:33,973 Okay, you got some volume, 740 00:17:29,099 --> 00:17:33,973 now give me 741 00:17:29,099 --> 00:17:33,973 some content. Make it hurt. 742 00:17:33,973 --> 00:17:37,015 You don't look 743 00:17:33,973 --> 00:17:37,015 as good in suits 744 00:17:33,973 --> 00:17:37,015 as you think you do! 745 00:17:37,015 --> 00:17:38,600 No, something 746 00:17:37,015 --> 00:17:38,600 that's true. Come on. 747 00:17:38,600 --> 00:17:41,349 The man made you cry. 748 00:17:38,600 --> 00:17:41,349 Make me cry. 749 00:17:41,349 --> 00:17:42,516 Your mom's a slut! 750 00:17:42,516 --> 00:17:44,224 Yes. 751 00:17:44,224 --> 00:17:47,099 Your mom's a slut, 752 00:17:44,224 --> 00:17:47,099 and I'm sorry, Barney, 753 00:17:47,099 --> 00:17:49,600 but you and your brother 754 00:17:47,099 --> 00:17:49,600 clearly have 755 00:17:47,099 --> 00:17:49,600 different fathers. 756 00:17:49,600 --> 00:17:53,057 And you know why? 757 00:17:49,600 --> 00:17:53,057 It's probably because 758 00:17:49,600 --> 00:17:53,057 your mom is a slutty slut! 759 00:17:53,057 --> 00:17:54,099 Keep going. 760 00:17:54,099 --> 00:17:55,307 I don't care 761 00:17:54,099 --> 00:17:55,307 what you say. 762 00:17:55,307 --> 00:17:57,433 Bob Barker 763 00:17:55,307 --> 00:17:57,433 is not your father! 764 00:17:57,433 --> 00:17:59,433 Okay, now, well, 765 00:17:57,433 --> 00:17:59,433 that's just not cool. 766 00:17:59,433 --> 00:18:00,766 Oh, my God, Barney, 767 00:17:59,433 --> 00:18:00,766 I'm so sorry... 768 00:18:00,766 --> 00:18:02,266 No, I'm kidding. 769 00:18:00,766 --> 00:18:02,266 Keep going. 770 00:18:02,266 --> 00:18:04,140 Bob Barker's 771 00:18:02,266 --> 00:18:04,140 not your father! 772 00:18:04,140 --> 00:18:08,099 You've concocted 773 00:18:04,140 --> 00:18:08,099 this delusional idea 774 00:18:04,140 --> 00:18:08,099 that a game show host 775 00:18:08,099 --> 00:18:11,266 is your real father, 776 00:18:08,099 --> 00:18:11,266 and he's not! 777 00:18:08,099 --> 00:18:11,266 You were abandoned, Barney! 778 00:18:11,266 --> 00:18:13,182 You were abandoned, 779 00:18:11,266 --> 00:18:13,182 and you never dealt with it, 780 00:18:13,182 --> 00:18:16,015 and so now 781 00:18:13,182 --> 00:18:16,015 you never allow yourself 782 00:18:13,182 --> 00:18:16,015 to feel anything, 783 00:18:16,015 --> 00:18:18,015 and that's how you survive 784 00:18:16,015 --> 00:18:18,015 in this corporate world, 785 00:18:18,015 --> 00:18:21,391 and if I keep 786 00:18:18,015 --> 00:18:21,391 heading down this path, 787 00:18:18,015 --> 00:18:21,391 I'm gonna turn into you! 788 00:18:21,391 --> 00:18:25,766 And I don't want that! 789 00:18:21,391 --> 00:18:25,766 I don't want any of this! 790 00:18:25,766 --> 00:18:27,474 This is not 791 00:18:25,766 --> 00:18:27,474 why I became a lawyer. 792 00:18:27,474 --> 00:18:30,683 This is not the person 793 00:18:27,474 --> 00:18:30,683 that I wanted to be. 794 00:18:30,683 --> 00:18:34,349 I quit, Arthur! I quit! 795 00:18:37,391 --> 00:18:42,057 Well, thank you, Eriksen, 796 00:18:37,391 --> 00:18:42,057 I needed to hear that. 797 00:18:42,057 --> 00:18:44,932 Really, 'cause I didn't mean 798 00:18:42,057 --> 00:18:44,932 to attack you personally, 799 00:18:42,057 --> 00:18:44,932 it's just that I... 800 00:18:44,932 --> 00:18:46,932 No, no, no, 801 00:18:44,932 --> 00:18:46,932 the part where you said, 802 00:18:44,932 --> 00:18:46,932 "I quit." 803 00:18:46,932 --> 00:18:51,516 Now we don't have to pay you 804 00:18:46,932 --> 00:18:51,516 a severance package. 805 00:18:51,516 --> 00:18:54,807 Security's gonna 806 00:18:51,516 --> 00:18:54,807 rough you up a bit 807 00:18:51,516 --> 00:18:54,807 on the way out. 808 00:19:01,391 --> 00:19:03,307 Robin, you dropped 809 00:19:01,391 --> 00:19:03,307 a little ice cream... 810 00:19:01,391 --> 00:19:03,307 Dude! 811 00:19:03,307 --> 00:19:04,932 Sorry. I'm sorry. 812 00:19:03,307 --> 00:19:04,932 Dude! 813 00:19:04,932 --> 00:19:06,932 Don't blame this 814 00:19:04,932 --> 00:19:06,932 on me, Marshall. 815 00:19:06,932 --> 00:19:09,266 I told you to yell 816 00:19:06,932 --> 00:19:09,266 at someone beneath you. 817 00:19:09,266 --> 00:19:11,015 The circle 818 00:19:09,266 --> 00:19:11,015 of screaming is... 819 00:19:11,015 --> 00:19:13,057 The chain of... 820 00:19:13,057 --> 00:19:16,600 Pyramid! 821 00:19:13,057 --> 00:19:16,600 The pyramid of screaming! 822 00:19:13,057 --> 00:19:16,600 The pyramid of screaming. 823 00:19:16,600 --> 00:19:19,391 How am I supposed 824 00:19:16,600 --> 00:19:19,391 to tell Lily? 825 00:19:19,391 --> 00:19:21,807 She supported me 826 00:19:19,391 --> 00:19:21,807 through three years 827 00:19:19,391 --> 00:19:21,807 of law school, 828 00:19:21,807 --> 00:19:24,474 and now is the time 829 00:19:21,807 --> 00:19:24,474 when I'm supposed to 830 00:19:21,807 --> 00:19:24,474 pay her back. 831 00:19:24,474 --> 00:19:26,558 Now we're gonna 832 00:19:24,474 --> 00:19:26,558 lose the apartment. 833 00:19:26,558 --> 00:19:29,307 The place where we were gonna 834 00:19:26,558 --> 00:19:29,307 raise our children. 835 00:19:29,307 --> 00:19:32,600 How am I supposed to tell 836 00:19:29,307 --> 00:19:32,600 the person who I love more 837 00:19:29,307 --> 00:19:32,600 than anything in this world 838 00:19:32,600 --> 00:19:35,266 that I've just 839 00:19:32,600 --> 00:19:35,266 thrown away our future? 840 00:19:40,182 --> 00:19:42,848 Everybody out, everybody out 841 00:19:40,182 --> 00:19:42,848 of the new car! 842 00:19:40,182 --> 00:19:42,848 Out of the new car! 843 00:19:42,848 --> 00:19:46,349 Ted, screaming 844 00:19:42,848 --> 00:19:46,349 never solves anything. 845 00:19:46,349 --> 00:19:49,474 And so Marshall finally had to 846 00:19:46,349 --> 00:19:49,474 tell Lily what happened. 847 00:19:49,474 --> 00:19:51,057 I'm so sorry. 848 00:19:51,973 --> 00:19:54,015 I just lost it. 849 00:19:54,015 --> 00:19:56,391 But I can fix it. 850 00:19:56,391 --> 00:19:57,932 First thing tomorrow, 851 00:19:56,391 --> 00:19:57,932 I'm gonna go in there 852 00:19:57,932 --> 00:20:01,474 on my hands and knees 853 00:19:57,932 --> 00:20:01,474 and beg for my job back. 854 00:20:03,682 --> 00:20:06,099 No, you're not. 855 00:20:06,099 --> 00:20:07,848 What? 856 00:20:07,848 --> 00:20:12,140 Marshall, our future 857 00:20:07,848 --> 00:20:12,140 isn't money 858 00:20:07,848 --> 00:20:12,140 or an apartment. 859 00:20:12,140 --> 00:20:16,224 And it's definitely 860 00:20:12,140 --> 00:20:16,224 not you being miserable 861 00:20:12,140 --> 00:20:16,224 at that horrible job. 862 00:20:17,640 --> 00:20:20,973 I'm just happy 863 00:20:17,640 --> 00:20:20,973 to have my husband back. 864 00:20:20,973 --> 00:20:23,099 We'll figure 865 00:20:20,973 --> 00:20:23,099 the rest out. 866 00:20:24,724 --> 00:20:26,433 I love you. 867 00:20:26,433 --> 00:20:28,182 I love you, too. 868 00:20:30,099 --> 00:20:32,474 Ultimately, 869 00:20:30,099 --> 00:20:32,474 they were able 870 00:20:30,099 --> 00:20:32,474 to make ends meet 871 00:20:32,474 --> 00:20:35,057 without going bust 872 00:20:32,474 --> 00:20:35,057 on the apartment. 873 00:20:37,266 --> 00:20:38,640 You sure about this? 874 00:20:38,640 --> 00:20:42,099 Yeah, who needs a car 875 00:20:38,640 --> 00:20:42,099 in New York City, right? 876 00:20:44,224 --> 00:20:45,599 Ted, I don't think 877 00:20:44,224 --> 00:20:45,599 I can accept... 878 00:20:45,599 --> 00:20:48,807 Marshall, don't 879 00:20:45,599 --> 00:20:48,807 make me scream at you. 880 00:20:50,558 --> 00:20:52,266 Thanks a lot, buddy. 881 00:20:55,099 --> 00:20:56,516 You guys did it 882 00:20:55,099 --> 00:20:56,516 in the car, didn't you? 883 00:20:56,516 --> 00:20:57,807 Oh, yeah! 884 00:21:11,182 --> 00:21:12,474 Definitely this one. 885 00:21:12,474 --> 00:21:14,224 Yeah.