Now kids,
when Aunt Robin
was a teenager,
she was, well,
a Canadian pop star.
But by 2008, she was
an entirely different person.
Coming up next,
is your baby
trying to kill you?
Which made
the events of that week
all the more surprising.
So I go in this morning
and it's freezing,
so I walk over there,
and I don't know
why I'm still talking,
because, clearly,
we're all asking
the same question,
what in God's creation
is going on
with Robin's breasts?
I know, right?
Isn't it amazing?
I spent half an hour
making this happen.
There's tape in there,
cotton balls,
half of a Nerf football,
but it works, right?
Totally.
What's the occasion?
An old friend from Canada
is in town and
I'm meeting him for a drink.
Ooh! Somebody you went
to Degrassi with?
No. Actually, he was
my first boyfriend.
Simon.
I thought he was
the coolest guy ever.
He smelled like Drakkar.
He could ollie
on a skateboard.
And he had
the most amazing collection
of Hard Rock Cafe T-shirts.
We spent
the whole summer
madly in love.
Tell me more. Tell me more.
Like, did he have a car?
So, is he the guy who...
How shall I say this
like a gentleman?
Robin, did he take
your maple leaf?
No, it wasn't
like that.
Sounds to me
like he gave you
your first O Canada face.
This went on
for a really long time.
Some of the jokes were elegant
and well crafted...
Wait, wait.
Did he break up with you
and tell you
he's just not that Inuit?
others were crude,
and ill-formed...
Something about
fur trapping.
and others
were obvious,
but needed to be said...
Did you ride
his Zamboni?
Oh!
Wait, wait, wait.
Did he...
I think I'm out.
Yeah, I'm also out.
Okay, now
I'm really out.
Well, I'm sorry, guys.
It was all very tame.
We only dated
for a week and a half.
What? I thought you said
you were together all summer.
Yeah. Summer in Canada
is pretty much
the last week of July.
Anyway, one night,
his band just finished
playing this gig...
Oh, my God! Simon.
That was such a good show.
You guys
totally rocked out.
Yeah. I know.
I figure we're about
four or five gigs away
from really exploding.
We're gonna be big, babe.
I mean, like
Crash Test Dummies big.
So, that everything?
Yeah.
All right.
Listen, babe...
It's over.
What?
I'm getting back together
with Louise Marsh.
Louise Marsh?
That's a whore's name
if I ever heard one.
Yeah, why would he want
to get back together
with Louise Marsh?
Well, the thing is,
her folks
just put in a pool.
Oh.
So...
Totally. I get it.
Pools are great.
Swimming's awesome.
We have a sprinkler.
Run right through it.
Well, I should go.
Babe, wait.
Yeah, Simon?
You forgot to
load the drum set.
No!
Tell me you did not
load the drum set.
I did.
And now he's coming here?
Robin, why do you
want to see this guy?
Oh! I know why.
You're gonna win,
aren't you?
I have no idea
what you're
talking about.
Yes, you do.
Whenever you haven't
seen someone
for a long time,
no matter how much
you want to deny it,
there's always
a clear winner
and a clear loser.
Okay, well,
since you brought it up,
let's add up the points.
You're starting out
with two big ones
right there.
Thank you. Okay.
So, Simon
still lives with his mom.
Point Robin.
He never became
a rock star.
Point Robin.
He now works at
a water slide park
outside of Ottawa.
Point Simon.
Wait.
Do they have a wave pool?
No.
Point Robin. That's 5-zip.
There's no
coming back from that.
Yeah, he's going down.
I mean, unless
somehow he got hotter.
There he is.
And sure enough,
there was a clear winner
and a clear loser.
It just wasn't clear
to everybody.
Hey, babe.
Oh, my God.
Okay, what the hell
just happened?
Oh, come on,
it wasn't so bad,
was it?
Hey, Simon.
Wow, look at you.
You got old.
Yeah. You look great.
You got hotter,
like that's possible.
So...
Look, I know
it didn't go as planned,
but I can't help it.
I mean, he's still got it.
Whoa! 4 bucks for a brew?
What a rip.
Good thing I'm packing.
So he's not a snob.
He's from a different part
of Canada, you know?
The maple leaf flag
on the back
of the pickup truck?
He's Red Province.
He's from the Deep North.
And the thing is,
we gave you
so many opportunities.
So, Simon, Robin's
a bit of a local celebrity
here in New York.
She's the lead anchor
at Metro News 1.
Tell him, Robin.
No. It's stupid.
It's not cool,
like Simon's shirt.
I'm sorry, Simon.
Here we are nattering on
about our big celebrity.
What do you do
for a living?
Oh, I work at
the Splish Splash Ottawa
Water Slide Park.
A water slide park.
That sure is different
than what Robin does.
Yeah, it is,
because I save lives.
If I'm not sitting
in that stool at the top
of the slide, going,
"Go, go, go," people die.
What, you think
it's so easy?
You try it.
Okay.
Go.
You didn't put
your hand up,
kid just died.
No, I didn't know...
Another kid just went.
He died, too.
Oh, well, sure.
I mean,
if I was actually...
Another kid just went.
Now you've got a pile-up
and Robin's got something
to report on the news.
"This just in,
my friend Ted killed
a bunch of kids today."
Well, that's cool.
You got to pay
the bills somehow
since your whole music thing
didn't really pan out,
did it?
Well, it hasn't
panned out yet,
but the band's
still going.
About four or five
gigs away
from really exploding.
The Foreskins
are still playing?
The Foreskins?
How'd you guys
come up with that name?
Well, there's four of us,
and we play without shirts.
Babe, seriously.
I know. I'm sorry.
But you guys
just don't understand.
The fact that
he kept the band going,
that's impressive.
I mean, I gave up
my musical dream.
Which brings us
to the most
important piece
of information
from tonight.
So, Simon,
how did you guys meet?
Oh, I was in her video.
Starred in it
is more like it.
Once you win
Mr. Teen Winnipeg,
everybody wants a piece
of the moneymaker.
I'm sorry. I've seen
Let's Go to the Mall
about 1,000 times,
and you, sir,
are not in it.
I was
in the other one.
There's another video?
Robin, seriously,
just make this easier
on yourself
and give us the tape.
No.
All right.
You leave me no choice.
From this moment on,
I will spend
every waking minute
searching down this tape.
I will not sleep.
I will not eat.
My life will be
a living hell
of search engines
and overseas phone calls,
chasing down something
that possibly
can't be found.
Okay.
It's just... It was so hard
to watch, Robin.
You're usually so cool.
I don't know
what's wrong with me.
I'm sitting next to Simon,
and suddenly I'm 16 again.
Oh, it's actually
a common thing.
When you're around someone
from your past,
you kind of revert back
to who you were
when you knew them.
There's not really
a name for it, though.
It's called
"revertigo."
Yeah, I don't know
about "revertigo."
You know who gets
really bad revertigo?
Lily when she's around
her high school
friend, Michelle.
Michelle? She sounds hot.
Wait, wait.
You don't know about
Lily and Michelle?
No. What about
Lily and Michelle?
Oh, my friend,
you are in
for a treat.
Hey, Lil?
What?
You know,
I was just thinking,
we haven't seen
your friend Michelle
in a while.
Oh, yeah.
I'll give her a call, see
if she wants to hang out.
Yeah.
What...
Do they make out?
Better.
Comparable.
Whatever. It's over.
I lost. I guess
you don't get a second chance.
I got a second chance.
What happened?
He came by
my place tonight...
Simon.
What are you doing here?
I just feel
like there's some
unfinished business
between you and me.
Seeing you now
has made me realize that
breaking up with you
is the biggest mistake
I made in my entire life.
Oh, I like
where this is going.
I know this is crazy,
and I'm only in town
for a couple of days,
but do you want to
go on a date?
He asked you out?
Oh, step into
my web, Simon.
The coup de grace.
Finish him!
I'd love to!
Wait. You're going on
a date with Simon?
That Simon?
The one we met?
Robin, this guy
doesn't deserve
a second chance.
Not after the way
he treated you.
That was 10 years ago.
People evolve.
I mean, are you
the same person that
you were in high school?
Oh, hell, no!
I think you're
gonna enjoy this.
That my girl Michelle?
Bitch, you know it!
How she living?
She living the only way
she know how to.
Large!
Oh, girl,
you gots to get
your drink on up in here.
I'm hoping my fat ass
can hustle me up
a vodka-Gatorade.
For reals!
I want her around
all the time.
I'd even consider not
trying to sleep with her
if that's what it takes.
Guys, I've decided
to seduce Michelle.
Yeah!
Guys, that was great.
Let's take five.
Hey, babe, did you like it
after my bass solo
when I flicked
my pick at you?
That rocked.
Yeah.
'Cause I'm gonna need
that pick back.
Oh, sure.
I think it's...
It's cool.
You'll find it later.
Oh, cool. I wish
I didn't have to go to work
in the morning.
Oh, but, babe,
you got to go to work.
You got to play
our demo
on your show.
Oh, well, you know,
it's not a show.
It's the news.
Right. So you can be, like,
"Hey, did you hear
there's some news?
"There's this rad band
you guys
should check out."
And then play it.
Just, like,
the first three songs.
And now it's time for
Puppy Corner, some little
angels looking for a new home,
courtesy of the
Midtown Animal Shelter.
Hey, a lot of puppies
got adopted.
Of course, a lot of
the people calling in
thought we were
going to kill them.
Robin, your revertigo
is really starting
to affect your work.
What's revertigo?
It's a stupid, made-up word
with no meaning.
No. It's
a phenomenon where,
when you're around people
from your past,
you start
behaving like them.
Oh. One example
of that springs to mind.
I think we all know
what it is.
We do?
Yeah. Ted.
Me?
Whenever Ted's friend,
Punchy, comes into town,
it's like, all of a sudden,
Ted's in high school again.
Okay, okay.
First of all, his name
is Adam Punciarello,
and I don't do that.
Ooh!
That must be Adam.
'Sup, Punchy?
'Sup, Shmosby?
You want to go?
I'm already there!
Come on!
This is it!
Dude, seriously,
I'm sorry about your dad.
Yeah, it was
a real shock.
I can't believe
you, of all people,
are saying this.
Why?
No reason.
Robin, the point is,
what are you doing?
I mean, this guy?
Okay, you want the truth?
I like Simon. I do.
We have fun together.
Oh, we know you do, honey,
but we're worried about you.
You're worried?
Okay, hold on.
Is there any version
of this conversation
where you guys don't sound
like my parents?
I don't know. Is there
any version where you don't
sound like a 16-year-old?
That's exactly
what my mom
would say.
No. If I was your mom,
I would say, "We forbid you
from seeing this boy."
Lily!
No, I'm sorry,
but it's for
your own good.
This is my life!
You guys just don't get it!
You've never
felt the way that I feel!
Now, now.
We were once young
and in love, too.
Yeah, like,
a billion years ago.
You've been drinking,
haven't you?
Yeah, we all have.
You bought
the last round.
You're not going to
that show tonight!
Oh, yes, I am,
and you know what else?
Tonight, after the show,
Simon and I
are going all the way!
Young lady,
get back here!
Thanks for your help.
Hey, so, today
at work...
Not now, Ted!
Hey, Simon.
Great show.
You guys still rock.
Yeah. Totally
dug my bass solo.
Man! Why can't
I always
feel this alive?
God, I just love
seeing you so happy.
Yeah, about that.
Listen, babe.
It's over.
What?
I'm getting back together
with Louise Marsh.
What?
You're kidding me.
You're breaking up
with me? Again?
For the same ex-girlfriend?
In the same van?
What is it?
Her parents got a pool?
Is that still the reason?
Well, her folks
did just put in a Jacuzz.
I'm sorry, Robin.
I'm fine, really.
Oh, Robin, I'm gonna
tell you for reals.
Simon's a dog.
You feel me, Chelle?
Mmm-hmm.
For reals.
He a scrub.
True that.
I'm gonna get me
my champagne
and grape soda on.
So, how's Columbia?
Great!
I'm almost done
with my dissertation.
I'm getting a Ph.D.
in behavioral psychology.
Can I make
an observation?
Oh, I know.
Whenever I'm around Lily,
she just brings out
that side of me.
There's a psychological term
for the phenomenon.
Revertigo?
No.
Actually, it's
associative regression.
You see, the neural
pathways that...
Oh, no, you did not
just put on my jam!
Put your hands up, girl!
Holla!
One by one,
we all had to go home.
Soon, it was just Robin.
All right. I can't
find your video.
I've wasted three days...
What's the matter?
Uh...
Simon dumped me in his van
after the show.
Yeah, Robin, that was,
like, 10 years ago.
No, tonight.
Ooh! Really?
Oh! Oh, come here.
Come here.
It's just...
When I was young,
I was so vulnerable
and open to things,
you know?
And I guess I just...
I wanted to
feel that way again.
I wanted to be
16 again.
Robin, that is
the stupidest thing
I've ever heard
come out of your mouth.
You want to be 16 again?
I have watched your
first Robin Sparkles
video 1,000 times,
and it's not because
I'm proud of you
as a friend.
It's because you were
totally, totally
lame back then.
But now, come on.
You're the most
awesome person
I have ever known.
Well, second most awesome.
Right. Of course,
the first being you.
No. No. The first is
this guy who lives in a place
called the mirror.
What up?
I'm saying that you are
way more awesome
than Simon ever will be.
Barney, do you want to
come back to my place?
Your place?
Are you sure
you want to do this?
Yeah, I am.
Let's just not tell anyone
about this, okay?
Of course.
So, should I just
put it in?
Yeah, why not?
This was my big
artistic follow-up
to Let's Go to the Mall.
It kind of tanked.
I was a fool
Is that Tiffany?
Mmm-hmm.
and got kicked out of school
gonna travel the globe
It's everything
I want it to be
and more.
Oh, I'm so glad.
sandcastles in the sand
when you held my hand
to black and white
Is that Alan Thicke?
Yeah.
and a half of my life
go to the beach
You know, if you re-edit it,
there's a tampon commercial
in here somewhere.
and you taught me to French
Do you see how lame
you were back then?
Yeah, you're right.
I was lame.
Totally lame.
our love
And, of course,
the robot makes
an appearance
in the sad love ballad.
He was my sidekick.
He had to be.
And so they watched it again.
No one gets me
And again.
is remind me of you
They watched it
over and over that night
until finally,
they stopped watching.