The long-awaited story of
the goat.
That week started
just like any other.
Barney woke up
in some girl's bed.
In my experience,
the way this normally goes is
we lie here for a while,
make a little
awkward chitchat.
Check.
Then I make up some
cabinet meeting,
heart surgery,
rocket test flight
I've got to be at.
Slip out of the apartment
and never call you again.
And later at the bar,
you tell your good
friend Robin
the story of
your latest conquest.
And she thinks to herself,
"Who is this sad,
self-loathing idiot who
"climbed into bed
with Barney Stinson?"
Hmm.
Actually,
you usually
say that out loud.
So...
I just slept with my
best friend's ex-girlfriend.
And I just slept with my
ex-boyfriend's really
good friend.
Best friend.
Okay, here's
the deal, Barney.
The second my feet
touch the ground,
this never happened.
Okay.
Wait.
Right click, save as...
Into the bpeg folder,
and okay.
This never happened.
It's a good plan.
Now we go back to exactly
the way things were before.
Okay. Right.
Okay.
So, Robin?
Yes, Barney?
Guess who
nailed the chick from
Metro News 1 last night?
Okay,
I am going to
take a shower,
till June,
and since you were
never here to begin with,
you won't be here
when I get out.
Okay.
This never happened.
Never happened.
But pretending it
never happened wouldn't be
that easy.
So, tell us,
what was it like?
What?
Penetrating that barrier.
You and I are the
first ones to hit it.
Well, not the first ones,
certainly,
but the first ones
at this table.
I... I'm...
Although,
I'm going to be
hitting it pretty soon.
Yeah, you are.
Yeah,
and when I hit it,
I'm going to go nuts.
It's going to be all night,
and I think I want a clown
there.
I'm a little
bit scared of clowns,
but for you, I'm there.
What are you talking about?
The big 3-0.
You know, my 30th
birthday's this Friday.
Did you forget?
What kind of
friend is this guy?
Right.
A great friend, by the way.
The best.
Is it my imagination,
or are these drinks
getting smaller?
If this were
a doctor's office,
they'd say, "Try again."
How you doing there, Robin?
I'm good.
Oh, so,
I made a decision.
I'm going
to go through
all my old stuff,
and I'm
getting rid of anything
I have no use for anymore.
Barney,
you want my Xbox?
Ted, she has a name!
And just what are
you accusing me of?
Liking video games?
I'm going to get a drink.
I'll come with you.
Okay.
God, this is awkward.
What is?
Being around Ted.
Why?
Because of our thing.
What thing?
You're really
going to pretend
this never happened?
What never happened?
Hey!
Hey.
What are you
guys talking about?
Nothing.
Guys, you can cut the act.
I know.
I know about
the surprise party
you guys are throwing me.
Marshall let it
slip earlier today.
Marshall...
Hey, I'll totally act
surprised and everything.
Just be sure
to invite Stella.
Stella! You have
a serious girlfriend now!
You're over this one.
Robin who, right?
Stella makes this one look
like a filthy bag of garbage,
am I right?
Happy birthday, bro.
Hello.
Hey, Marshall,
I need your help.
Yeah,
I'm kind of real focused
on the job hunt right now.
I know.
I want to hire you.
For the last time, Barney,
I will not be your butler.
I need a lawyer.
I'll pay you.
How much?
A little.
I'll take it.
Hey.
Hey. So,
I'm reading this,
and I got to say,
this might be
a little bit over my head.
For one thing,
I'm fairly certain
that if these contracts
aren't executed precisely,
we will be at
war with Portugal.
Yeah, forget that.
That's a Tuesday for me.
New shredder.
This baby'll chew up
a bicycle in 17 seconds.
From Sky Mall.
It's all from Sky Mall.
Whenever I get upset,
I shop at Sky Mall.
Want a hot dog?
Of course.
Why are you upset?
Marshall, I'm
about to tell you a secret
that you can't tell anyone.
Not Ted, not Robin, not Lily.
No, no, no, no,
I don't want
any more secrets,
especially now that
I know what you guys
did to the drinking
water in Lisbon. I...
You are hearing
this secret, Marshall.
I... I slept...
Stop doing that.
I slept...
I slept with Robin.
You slept with Robin?
Are you mad at me?
I don't know.
How's the hot dog?
It's helping.
You slept with Robin?
I cannot keep that secret.
I mean, you know I,
at least, have to
tell Lily.
You can't.
You can't tell anyone.
Attorney-client privilege.
Why are
you doing this to me?
Because I need you,
Marshall, as my lawyer,
to prove that I
didn't do anything wrong.
How can I help
you as your lawyer?
You didn't break
any laws, did you?
Robin knows you
slept with her,
doesn't she?
I didn't break any
state or federal laws,
but I think I broke
a much, much higher law.
The Bro Code.
For many years,
we had heard Barney quote
the Bro Code,
a list of dos and
don'ts for all bros.
Some were basic.
Bro Code Article One,
"Bros before hoes."
Some were
unbelievably complicated.
Bro Code Article 89.
"The mom of a bro
is always off limits,
"but the stepmom of a bro is
fair game if she initiates it,
"and/or is wearing
at least one article
of leopard print clothing."
And some
were just plain disturbing.
Bro Code Article 34.
"Bros cannot
make eye contact
during a devil's three-way."
Two dudes.
This is not
a legal document.
This is just
something you wrote.
You think I wrote that?
Oh, Marshall,
don't you
know the glorious
history of the Bro Code?
The year was 1776.
The place, Philadelphia.
Benjamin Franklin
and George Washington
were having a drink.
But, bro, seriously,
I calleth dibs
on that wench.
You codpiece blocked me.
So what if I did?
No rule against it.
Well, there should be.
There should be a set
of rules that govern
the way bros
comport themselves
among other bros.
But who shall
write such a document?
I have to go to Me, D.C.
and pose for the dollar bill.
And I have to do some
kite-flying or something.
I shall write
this set of rules,
and I shall inscribe it
on the back of the
Constitution.
To save paper.
It's resolved!
Barnabas Stinson
shall write the Bro Code.
And I shall
include a provision
that stateth
no eye contact in
a devil's three-way.
Seconded.
Listen,
what do you
want me for?
I've just been
losing my mind
lately.
And do you know
why I feel so bad?
Yeah,
because you
slept with Robin.
No, that was awesome.
I feel bad
because the
Bro Code clearly states,
"No sex with your bro's ex."
But if you,
my lawyer, can find
a loophole somewhere,
then that
bad feeling
will go bye-bye.
And you would
pay me for that?
No, I'll just be the one
shredding your paperwork.
Technically,
you'll be paid by
a toy factory in Pyongyang.
Barney, I'm no shrink,
okay,
but don't you
see that this is just
a desperate way for you
to avoid an unpleasant
confrontation with Ted?
Hey, if I wanted
a psychological
evaluation,
I'd hire the guy
we pay to hypnotize
us before depositions.
Now, get cracking!
While Marshall
examined the Bro Code,
Lily's kindergarten class
welcomed a special guest.
And with a little luck,
in a few days,
Farmer Frank's
cold will be all gone.
And that's why
Farmer Frank's breath
smells like medicine.
Right, Farmer Frank?
You got it, toots.
Any last questions
for Farmer Frank? Yes.
Will we
ever get to see
Missy the goat again?
Isn't that sweet?
Well,
you know, honey,
right after this,
I'm going to
drop old Missy off
at the butcher shop.
And they're going to
take a great big knife...
And Frank
went on to traumatize
Lily's entire class
with a graphic explanation
of where meat comes from.
So not one little scrap
of Missy goes to waste.
Ms. Aldrin,
please don't
let them eat Missy.
I know, I know.
I already called
an animal rescue,
and they're going to
come get her on Monday.
Monday? Where's she
going to sleep and eat
and go to the bathroom?
Okay,
where's she going
to sleep and eat?
I guess I'll keep
her up on the roof.
Look, call me crazy.
I just...
I don't think having a goat
in the apartment
is a good idea.
And, boy, was I right,
because what Missy the goat
would go on to do
in that bathroom
was so...
No, you know what?
I'm getting ahead
of myself.
We'll get there.
Hey, Ted.
Hey.
You ready to...
Where'd the goat turd
come from?
How'd you know
that was a goat turd?
Well, it was either
that or a musk ox turd,
and I figured,
what the hell would
a musk ox be doing in here?
Hey.
Guess what your
wife brought home.
Attorney-client privilege.
I can't talk about it.
Talk about what?
Nothing.
How was your day?
Oh, goat turd on
the floor, I see.
Is that new?
How does
everyone know
that's a goat turd?
Barney told you.
I don't know what you're
talking about, madam.
Marshall, you can't
look me in the eye,
you're blushing, coughing,
and your hands are shaking.
Hey, Robin, come here.
Ted is never finding out
about this, you understand?
Because it never happened,
none of us are saying
anything.
And don't even think about
opening that can until I'm
out of the splash zone.
Oh, fantastic, you're here.
Give me the good news.
I'm sorry.
You did too good
a job writing this thing.
It's iron-clad.
No!
Bad lawyer!
I need a loophole!
I want to feel better,
Marshall!
I can't keep buying things!
I have six
self-cleaning litter boxes,
and I don't even have a kid.
Wait. How about this?
Ted's probably broken
this thing himself, right?
If he's
broken the Bro Code,
then I'm off the hook.
I thought about that,
and I got to say
Ted has
upheld this thing
time and time again.
For example, Article 87.
"A bro shall at
all times say yes."
So he saved you
from an avalanche?
Yes.
And he carried you
6 miles to safety
on his broken leg?
Yes.
And you're a pre-op
transsexual nightclub singer
who used
to be a member
of the Russian mob?
Article 29.
"A bro will,
in a timely manner,
"alert his bro to the
existence of a girl fight."
Dude, two girls are
fighting at MacLaren's.
What?
Yeah, yeah.
It was crazy.
This one girl was like...
Oh, hey.
Hey.
Article 53.
"A bro will,
whenever possible,
"provide his bro
with protection."
That feels nice.
Good.
I just wish
we had some wine.
Yeah.
I wish we had
some wine, too.
Damn it, Marshall.
I'm not paying you to
tell me what a saint
Ted is!
You're my lawyer!
The answer is in
there! Find it!
Okay, this isn't
about the Bro Code,
and you know it.
The reason that
you're upset is because
what you did was wrong.
And the
only way you're
ever going to feel
any better about it is if
you tell Ted what you did.
What if he never
wants to talk to
me again?
Well,
I guess that's just a chance
you're going to have to take.
Which brings us
to April 25, 2008.
My 30th birthday.
Or as it would
come to be referred
to in later years,
the Day of the Goat.
Hey, where are you?
I'm in the limo,
right outside of
Ted's office.
Great. Well,
everyone's here.
Stella just arrived.
And there
is something
here so awesome,
I'm not going to
tell you what it is,
but you won't believe...
Goat in a party hat?
Damn it!
Well,
you still
got to see it.
It's so much fun
having a goat at
a party!
In a few short hours,
Lily would come to
regret those words.
But we'll get there.
Got to go.
Here he comes.
Okay. Bye.
Hey.
You guys went all out.
Okay,
everyone, Ted's in the
limo, five-minute warning!
Everyone get ready!
Oh, Missy,
are you excited?
Yes, you are!
Whoa.
We're leaving the city.
Where the hell
is this party?
Vegas.
Vegas?
I thought the party
was on the rooftop.
Surprise!
Just a decoy, my friend.
So there's no roof party?
Oh, no. There is.
We're just not going.
This is how
good a friend I am.
They want
you to spend your
30th standing around
drinking flat beer
10 feet above your
living room.
But not me, bro.
I pulled out all the stops.
Private jet,
Valderrama suite
at the Bellagio.
Steaks at BOA,
scotch at Ghost Bar,
then two ringside seats
to watch
Floyd Mayweather
go 10 rounds with...
Wait for it.
a grizzly bear!
Take me home, Barney.
No!
We have to go to Vegas.
Look, Ted,
I didn't want to say this,
but there's something
that I have to tell you,
and I wanted you to be
in the best possible
frame of mind
before you heard it.
You slept with Robin.
Ranjit!
You slept with Robin?
Barney!
That is Ted's ex-girlfriend!
(ANGRILY SPEAKING
FOREIGN LANGUAGE)
When did you find out?
Hey, Robin. Come here!
What's up?
I was just going
through some old stuff.
And I...
Oh, crap!
Anyway, I came across this.
Oh, wow! From our
vacation in Vermont.
Yeah.
I don't know
if you'd even want it,
but if you do, it's yours.
I slept with Barney!
What?
It was just one time,
it was the night
that Simon dumped me,
and I was
in a really
vulnerable place,
and I wanted
to just pretend
like it never happened,
but I couldn't, and...
I can't.
I just...
I had to tell you.
And...
I just hope that we
can still be friends.
Of course we can
still be friends.
So you're not mad?
Well, I'm...
It's a little weird, but...
No, I'm not mad.
Wow.
So you're not mad?
No, I'm not mad.
I mean, Robin and I
broke up a year ago.
We've both dated
lots of people since then.
I'm with Stella now.
Seriously,
I'm fine with this.
I'm so relieved to
hear you say that.
Yeah. Yeah.
Oh, hey, I just remembered,
my mom is coming into town
next month.
Maybe you'd like
to nail her, too!
Where are they?
I'm getting a cramp.
Marshall,
can we keep the goat?
No.
But she's so cute
and furry and soft.
Yeah, and she also sheds,
eats out of the garbage
and can't control her bowels.
Why don't we just call
Duluth Mental Hospital
and say
my Uncle Linus
can live with us?
Yeah, Lily, that may
seem like a good idea
after a couple of drinks,
but tomorrow morning
you're going to
want this thing
out of your house.
Oh, you should talk.
You slept with Barney.
Marshall!
I'm sorry!
I couldn't take it anymore.
I can't
believe you did that.
That's so gross.
Was it amazing?
What? I...
Lily, I really don't
want to talk about this.
I know, but it's Barney.
It's just hard
not to be curious.
Did he have like
devices and stuff?
Lily, come on.
Hot wax?
Stop it.
Did he tie you to anything?
That's enough.
What's wrong with you?
I'm sorry.
Is he all smooth
down there?
Three billion
women on the planet!
Three billion!
And you have to sleep with
the one that I dated for
a year!
Are you kidding me?
Robin?
You think I'm proud of this?
I'm horrified
that this happened.
How did it happen?
Huh?
Barney, I want to know.
Tell me exactly how
it happened.
You mean
what position?
Okay. Stop it!
Stop it! Stop it.
Hit him! Hit him, Ted.
Stop!
Hit him!
Stop it!
Hit him!
Okay.
Okay. You're pissed.
You deserve to be.
Fine. You know what?
One free shot. On me.
Anywhere but the face.
Who punches
someone in the groin?
Okay. Okay.
I deserved that.
But what's important now is
we're past this whole
Robin thing now, right?
You think that this
is just about Robin?
This is about...
You know,
I've seen you
do some bad stuff.
I mean,
some really terrible stuff
to a lot of different people.
I just always thought
there had to be a limit.
I always thought
I was the limit.
You're
always spouting off
these rules for bros.
Isn't one of them,
"Don't do this"?
Yeah.
And I broke it. I'm sorry.
But, Ted,
seriously,
this suite at
the Bellagio...
I am not going
to Vegas with you.
I'm not going to
blow off my friends
and my girlfriend,
and spend my 30th
birthday in a strip club.
The fact that
you think I would...
You know, Barney, earlier this
week I started putting things
in a box
and that box was labeled
"stuff I have no use for
anymore."
What does that mean?
It means maybe you
belong in that box.
Are you saying
you don't want to
be bros anymore?
I'm saying
I don't want to
be friends anymore.
Okay, I'm going to
stop you right there,
because it seems like
you're about to say
something
that's going to
pretty much ruin Vegas.
Ranjit, stop the car.
I'm getting a cab.
Surprise!
Oh, right, the goat.
So funny.
You're going
to love this.
So later that night, the goat
locked herself in the bathroom
and was eating one of Robin's
washcloths and...
Wait, hold on.
Robin wasn't living
here on my 30th birthday.
When did this happen?
Oh, wait,
the goat was there
on my 31st birthday.
Sorry,
I totally got that wrong.