was a complicated time
in your old man's life.
The last time
I had seen Barney
was shortly after
I found out he had spent
the night with Robin.
Are you saying
you don't want to
be bros anymore?
I'm saying
I don't want to
be friends anymore.
It's Barney.
Dude, seriously,
you need to
stop calling me.
Ted, I'm sorry
I haven't
returned your calls.
Yeah, I never called you.
You called me 15 times
and my parents twice.
I'm sorry,
I got to let you go.
There's just too many
good wingmen out there.
Ted, are you crying?
No, I am not.
Shh. Let it out,
let it out.
Goodbye, Barney.
Let it out.
So are you two
back together?
No.
I miss Barney.
I haven't high-fived
anyone in like a week.
I think I might be starting
to lose my fist-bump callus.
Let me ask you
something, Ted.
Why are you so much madder
at Barney than me?
Yeah, she had just
as much sex with Barney
as Barney had with her.
You know what?
I'm not sure that's true.
I think I'd
actually prefer it
if you were mad at me.
This is too weird.
I'm not mad at anybody.
I've forgiven you,
and I've outgrown
Barney as a friend.
It's that's simple.
I'll tell you
why he is not mad.
It's because he's
so happy with Stella.
She was right.
Stella and I
had been dating
for two months,
and things were
going really well.
She had met my friends
and passed with
flying colors.
There was just
one little problem.
You guys haven't
had sex yet?
When Marshall and I
were two months in,
we were doing it 24/7.
I know.
I was in the top bunk.
I also sat next to you guys
at football games.
So what are you
guys waiting for?
I think she
wants to make sure
we are serious first.
That's why she
hasn't introduced me
to her daughter, either.
She wants to
take things slow.
Wait, so you haven't had sex
since, like, Thanksgiving.
Do you know how many
big federal holidays have
come and gone since then?
Oh, baby, do you remember
Martin Luther King Day?
Yeah, I do.
We honored that
dude big time.
Look, I'm crazy
about this girl, and if
waiting is what it takes,
then I am fine with that.
On a totally
unrelated note,
does anybody have any
gum or ice or a piece of
bark they're not chewing?
Hey, Barney,
new Sky Mall came in.
So word around the
blogsphere is that you're
looking for a new wingman.
I want to let you know,
I am available.
Just say the word,
or don't even say the word.
Just do something
with your eyebrow.
Was that it?
No offense, Randy,
but there is a long list
of candidates for this slot.
This slot is
Vice President
of Awesome.
And you are, like,
Assistant Under-Secretary
of Only Okay.
Assistant Under-Secretary
of Only Okay.
Thank you.
I won't let you down.
So Uncle Barney
began the search for
a new wingman.
Pete, Barney Stinson.
Hey.
I've been
meaning to call you.
It's been a while.
Yeah, yeah. So, listen,
you should meet me
at MacLaren's tonight.
You're never
gonna believe this.
I'm at the hospital.
Just had a baby daughter.
So what do you think?
9:30, 10:00.
Stapleton,
Barney Stinson.
What up, chief?
I need a new bro.
What do you say?
Dude, I'd love to,
but right now I'm
bros with Doug Stein.
Oh, I understand.
Doug Stein's a good bro.
I'm happy for you.
Best of luck.
Crazy Willie.
Barney Stinson.
What up, B dog?
Long time no bro.
So are we gonna
tear it up tonight
or what?
Yes. Finally.
Here's what's on
the rocket docket.
My wife and I
put the cheese out at 7:00.
Cranium at 8:00. 9:00 p.m.
we watch 27 Dresses.
Everybody's home by 11:00.
Hello.
Hanging up on you
once wasn't enough.
So I lanced this thing
on this guy's back,
and I'll be honest with you,
I didn't even know
what it was.
And then it
exploded like a volcano.
Pus everywhere.
Let's have sex. Right now.
I'll lock the door.
Oh, there's no lock
on that door.
We can do it
against the door.
It'll be hot!
It'll be like a three-way.
You, me and the door.
Yeah, but then it's just
gonna be weird between me
and the door tomorrow.
I'm sorry.
We're waiting.
It's cool.
You've been so patient, Ted.
The truth is
I'm kind of nervous.
I have a confession to make.
I was afraid of this.
You're 14.
No.
It's kind of embarrassing,
but it's been a while
since I was
intimate with anyone.
Wow, it's funny
that you say that.
Me, too.
Really?
How long has it
been for you?
It's been a while.
Tell me.
Me, too!
It's been five months
for you, too?
Five years?
Wow. Stella hasn't
had sex since 2003.
Let's put this in context.
The last time
Stella had sex,
the movie Seabiscuit
had just galloped
into theaters and
our hearts.
Five years?
God, if I even went one year,
I would be out on the street
selling it for a nickel.
The last time
Stella had sex,
the world was just
learning about SARS:
Well, Ted,
what else did she say?
Did she give you any
kind of explanation?
Look, after Lucy was born,
I dated a little,
but it was hard
to find a guy
I could trust enough.
Sooner or later,
every one of them
gave me a reason not to.
But nobody
in five years?
Look, Ted,
guys regret the girls
they didn't sleep with.
Girls regret
the guys they do
sleep with.
And for the past five years,
I've had no regrets.
Ted, you're staring
at my boobs.
In my defense,
they were staring at me.
So what does
this mean for you?
Is she ever gonna
want to get intimate?
Actually...
But the truth is,
I really do want
to do this with you.
I don't think I'd
regret it at all.
Your pillow talk's
a little rusty.
You know what I mean, Ted.
I'm ready.
That's great.
Like, "right now" ready?
So her sister's
driving up to
baby-sit Lucy,
and we're getting
a hotel room in the
city Saturday night.
The last time
Stella had sex,
The Da Vinci Code
had just come out.
That doesn't seem
like that long ago.
Not the movie, the book.
Wow.
It's a lot of pressure,
isn't it?
You know what? It's not.
This woman needs it bad.
Anything you do is
going to be fireworks.
I remember my
longest drought.
It was that summer
I lived in San Francisco.
I hadn't had been
with Marshall in
two months and 19 days.
Oh, San Francisco.
I don't know, Lily,
after five years,
her expectations have
got to be pretty high.
Notable deaths in 2003...
Oh, my God.
Nell Carter.
Did you guys know
that Nell Carter had died?
I'm really gonna
have to bring my A-game
to satisfy this woman.
Yeah,
it'll be pretty hard now
that she's dead.
Not Nell Carter. Stella.
Dude, relax. It's all about
expectations management.
Do you know why I hated
Jerry Maguire so much?
Because you're
dead inside?
No, because
you built it up for,
like, two weeks,
saying it was
the greatest movie ever.
With Stella,
do the opposite,
lower expectations.
Right, right, and then
no matter what happens,
she'll be happy.
Oh!
Hey, buddy.
I'm married, Barney.
I cannot be your new wingman.
No.
Hey, Randy.
Would you come in
here for a minute?
Good news.
I'm calling you up
to the majors.
Starting tomorrow night,
how would you like to be
my new wingman?
Uh...
Just need to
check my calendar.
Be right back.
Tomorrow works.
I have a surprise
appetizer for us today.
Check it out.
Mmm-hmm.
Potato skins.
Fancy.
Yeah, right?
God, it's been forever
since I had potato skins.
I remember them as being
pretty much the most
delicious things ever.
Hmm!
That's surprising.
What?
This potato skin.
It's good,
but not nearly as good
as I'd built it up
to be in my head.
Even though this potato skin
performed admirably
and is a totally
respectable size,
I couldn't enjoy it
because of my own
unrealistic expectations.
Hmm.
Ted, I see
what you're doing.
You're trying to lower
my expectations for tonight.
Is this a length thing?
No.
Quick on the draw?
No.
Unexpected
number of testicles?
No!
It's just that this
is a big deal for you.
I mean, it's like your
virginity, the sequel.
Virginity 2,
Electric Boogaloo?
Exactly, and I don't
want to mess it up.
I don't want you
to ever wonder
if I was worth it.
Ted, of course
it's gonna be worth it.
Stop worrying.
It's you and me.
It already has
everything it needs.
"Unexpected
number of testicles"?
It happens.
I knew a guy
in med school,
we used to joke
that he was one ball
away from getting walked.
Hey.
What up,
Bro-seph Lieberman?
No. Uh-uh.
Randy, we never use
the word "bro"
in the name of
a failed Democratic
vice presidential candidate.
Goodbye,
Geraldine Ferrar-bro.
You know what?
I'm excited
about this, Randy.
You will be my
next masterpiece.
It's like with Ted.
When I first met him,
he was an even
bigger loser than you.
What a loser.
But tonight,
I am going to make you
the greatest wingman
in the history of wingmen.
Oh, it's gonna be easier
than you think, bro.
You know, I've been reading
your blog for years.
You are like a god to me.
That's why tonight
is going to be legendary...
Wait for it.
Dary.
Ooh!
Okay, Randy,
let's do this.
You ready?
Yes.
No, no, no, no, no!
What? What's the matter?
Nothing. Let's do this.
No, no, no, no,
no, please, please, please.
Just wait.
Just wait!
Randy, what are you doing?
Dripping with game,
that's what I'm doing.
Okay, let's go. No.
Let's...
Yes. No! Randy,
listen to me.
You can do this, okay?
Oh, I don't know.
Are those girls
even really that hot?
Yes, they're hot.
Let's do this. Okay!
Hey, ladies.
Have you met...
Hey.
Hey!
So, here's the plan.
Take a horse-drawn carriage
through the park,
and it just so happens
the Philharmonic is
playing an open-air...
Ted. Five years.
Straight to the hotel?
Straight to the hotel.
I'll get my bag.
Hey, guys.
Hey.
So, looking forward
to tonight?
Yeah. Definitely.
It's been such a long time
since I've had a night out.
Yeah, we heard.
I would explode
if it had been that long
since I had a night out.
This one wakes me up
at 4:00 a.m. Sometimes just
to have a little night out.
What are you
guys talking about?
Nothing. Pizza.
What are you talking about?
Hey, guys.
Ted, you told them,
didn't you?
Told them what?
You told them that
I haven't had sex
in five years.
You haven't had
sex in five years?
That is a shocking
revelation that we're just
finding out about right now!
Stella, I'm sorry.
I shouldn't have told them.
But they're my best friends.
I tell them everything.
I didn't even
think about it.
Ted, that was so personal.
Plus, now your friends
think I'm a freak.
No, they don't.
Look, I realize
it's weird, okay?
Not many people
go five years
without having sex.
Thirteen years?
I peaked really young.
That's why it was difficult
for me to tell you.
But I did tell you
because I thought that
I could trust you.
You can trust me.
Obviously, I can't.
You know,
there's always a reason
not to sleep with a guy,
and you just
gave me yours.
Wait,
did I give you a reason,
or were you looking for one?
Why would I be
looking for one?
Because things are getting
serious between us,
and that scares you.
Good night, Ted.
Okay, Randy, now tell me,
without looking at your hand,
what are the three
beginner techniques for
picking up a woman at a bar?
Isolate her
from her friends,
repeat her name
in conversation,
subtly put her down.
Excellent.
Now, let's put those to use.
I'm right behind you.
Hi, I'm Randy.
What's your name?
Haley.
Haley, that's
a pretty name, Haley.
Come here, Haley.
Um.
Okay.
Haley, you are a fat,
ugly whore.
I'm sorry, Barney.
So you got a drink
thrown in your face.
Happens to me
all the time.
Pretty soon you'll be
able to anticipate it,
and when you do?
Free drink.
Hey. We got two live ones.
New plan.
This time follow my lead.
Evening, ladies.
Oh, I like your broach.
What is that?
Oh, it's a koala bear.
I think they're adorable.
No way!
My friend Randy here
is the leading expert on
koala bears in Australia!
He's in town working
with the Bronx Zoo.
You are?
That is so cool!
What is your favorite thing
about koala bears?
Their
meat is delicious.
I'm sorry, Barney.
It's okay.
New plan, we need to
get you comfortable
just saying words to women.
Now, there's no reason
to be nervous,
because my friend Robin
has agreed to help out.
Because you threatened
to put a video of us
on the Internet,
which I'm still not
convinced you have.
Right. Which is why
you came all the way
from Brooklyn at midnight.
Now, Randy,
let's keep it simple.
Just start by
introducing yourself.
Hi. My name's Randy.
Hi, Randy.
How are you?
I'm good.
How are you?
Good, thank you.
Great.
You're doing really,
really well.
Now ask her what
she's doing later.
What are you doing later?
Yeah, your nose is
bleeding like a faucet.
Oh, God.
This happens every time
I get an erection.
I am so sorry.
Okay. Okay,
new plan.
We wrap his face in gauze
so he can't bleed or talk.
You are the woman...
Barney,
why are you so desperate
to have this happen?
I'm a wingman.
That's what wingmen do.
Is it possible
that you're trying to fill
the void of losing Ted
by rushing into
a new wingman relationship?
What are you saying?
I'm saying that Randy
is your rebound bro.
No. That's crazy.
What Randy and
I have is real.
No, it's not, Barney.
And even if you got
Randy laid tonight,
would it feel
anywhere near as meaningful
as when you got Ted laid?
He was just so happy
the next morning,
you know?
I know.
All right.
It hasn't clotted,
but I think it's pretty much
draining backwards now.
Randy.
I've been thinking,
this isn't working out.
Yeah, I figured.
I knew I couldn't fly
this close to the sun
without getting burned.
The story of my life.
I always let people down.
You, my dad, the chief.
The chief?
Yeah, I was a cop for,
like, three months.
But I got
kicked off the force
because I screwed up so much
I was an insurance liability.
You were a New York
City police officer
and you didn't tell me?
Wow. Did you ever
shoot anybody?
Only all the time.
But not himself.
And not in the foot.
Actually...
Bu, bu, bu...
But nothing.
I don't think
there's anything
hotter than a cop.
Are you okay?
Your nose is bleeding.
Old injury.
The bullet's still
lodged in his sinus.
Oh, my, God!
You know what?
I live right
around the corner.
Can I take you to my
place and fix you up?
That would be very nice.
Have a great time, you two.
Oh,
my God, thank you.
I can't thank you enough.
I am the greatest
wingman of all time.
Ted doesn't know
what he's missing.
You had to
mention Ted, didn't you?
Okay, I really
overreacted last night.
I'm sorry.
Maybe I have
some trust issues,
but believe me,
I have earned them.
You said that I was
looking for a reason for this
whole thing to fall apart.
Well, you're onto me, Ted.
That's actually
something that I do a lot.
But I'm not going
to do that with you.
Ted, I'm in.
This is awkward.
I have a girl here. So...
Come on.
There is something that
I'm ready to do with you.
looking in the mirror
Ted, this is Lucy.
Hi, Lucy.
Lucy, this is Ted.
Stella and I
thought our relationship
was going to take
a big step that weekend.
Turned out it took
an even bigger one.
She's sound asleep.
Oh. She is so great.
I think so.
So, I was thinking,
my sister is in
town until tomorrow.
And there's a motel
just down the turnpike.
Hmm.
Wow, that was amazing!
Oh, yeah.
What are you doing?
I gotta call
Marshall and Lily
and tell them
about this.