1 00:00:00,380 --> 00:00:02,756 was a complicated time 2 00:00:00,380 --> 00:00:02,756 in your old man's life. 3 00:00:02,756 --> 00:00:04,839 The last time 4 00:00:02,756 --> 00:00:04,839 I had seen Barney 5 00:00:04,839 --> 00:00:08,213 was shortly after 6 00:00:04,839 --> 00:00:08,213 I found out he had spent 7 00:00:04,839 --> 00:00:08,213 the night with Robin. 8 00:00:08,213 --> 00:00:10,631 Are you saying 9 00:00:08,213 --> 00:00:10,631 you don't want to 10 00:00:08,213 --> 00:00:10,631 be bros anymore? 11 00:00:10,631 --> 00:00:13,088 I'm saying 12 00:00:10,631 --> 00:00:13,088 I don't want to 13 00:00:10,631 --> 00:00:13,088 be friends anymore. 14 00:00:14,380 --> 00:00:17,756 It's Barney. 15 00:00:17,756 --> 00:00:20,464 Dude, seriously, 16 00:00:17,756 --> 00:00:20,464 you need to 17 00:00:17,756 --> 00:00:20,464 stop calling me. 18 00:00:20,464 --> 00:00:23,046 Ted, I'm sorry 19 00:00:20,464 --> 00:00:23,046 I haven't 20 00:00:20,464 --> 00:00:23,046 returned your calls. 21 00:00:23,046 --> 00:00:24,464 Yeah, I never called you. 22 00:00:24,464 --> 00:00:27,464 You called me 15 times 23 00:00:24,464 --> 00:00:27,464 and my parents twice. 24 00:00:27,464 --> 00:00:30,297 I'm sorry, 25 00:00:27,464 --> 00:00:30,297 I got to let you go. 26 00:00:30,297 --> 00:00:32,589 There's just too many 27 00:00:30,297 --> 00:00:32,589 good wingmen out there. 28 00:00:34,505 --> 00:00:36,130 Ted, are you crying? 29 00:00:36,130 --> 00:00:37,505 No, I am not. 30 00:00:37,505 --> 00:00:40,631 Shh. Let it out, 31 00:00:37,505 --> 00:00:40,631 let it out. 32 00:00:40,631 --> 00:00:42,255 Goodbye, Barney. 33 00:00:40,631 --> 00:00:42,255 Let it out. 34 00:00:42,255 --> 00:00:44,130 So are you two 35 00:00:42,255 --> 00:00:44,130 back together? 36 00:00:44,130 --> 00:00:45,297 No. 37 00:00:46,213 --> 00:00:47,879 I miss Barney. 38 00:00:47,879 --> 00:00:50,547 I haven't high-fived 39 00:00:47,879 --> 00:00:50,547 anyone in like a week. 40 00:00:50,547 --> 00:00:52,631 I think I might be starting 41 00:00:50,547 --> 00:00:52,631 to lose my fist-bump callus. 42 00:00:53,589 --> 00:00:55,004 Let me ask you 43 00:00:53,589 --> 00:00:55,004 something, Ted. 44 00:00:55,004 --> 00:00:57,589 Why are you so much madder 45 00:00:55,004 --> 00:00:57,589 at Barney than me? 46 00:00:57,589 --> 00:01:01,672 Yeah, she had just 47 00:00:57,589 --> 00:01:01,672 as much sex with Barney 48 00:00:57,589 --> 00:01:01,672 as Barney had with her. 49 00:01:01,672 --> 00:01:05,547 You know what? 50 00:01:01,672 --> 00:01:05,547 I'm not sure that's true. 51 00:01:05,547 --> 00:01:07,838 I think I'd 52 00:01:05,547 --> 00:01:07,838 actually prefer it 53 00:01:05,547 --> 00:01:07,838 if you were mad at me. 54 00:01:07,838 --> 00:01:09,380 This is too weird. 55 00:01:09,380 --> 00:01:12,380 I'm not mad at anybody. 56 00:01:09,380 --> 00:01:12,380 I've forgiven you, 57 00:01:12,380 --> 00:01:14,798 and I've outgrown 58 00:01:12,380 --> 00:01:14,798 Barney as a friend. 59 00:01:12,380 --> 00:01:14,798 It's that's simple. 60 00:01:14,798 --> 00:01:16,838 I'll tell you 61 00:01:14,798 --> 00:01:16,838 why he is not mad. 62 00:01:16,838 --> 00:01:18,879 It's because he's 63 00:01:16,838 --> 00:01:18,879 so happy with Stella. 64 00:01:18,879 --> 00:01:20,505 She was right. 65 00:01:20,505 --> 00:01:22,879 Stella and I 66 00:01:20,505 --> 00:01:22,879 had been dating 67 00:01:20,505 --> 00:01:22,879 for two months, 68 00:01:22,879 --> 00:01:24,838 and things were 69 00:01:22,879 --> 00:01:24,838 going really well. 70 00:01:24,838 --> 00:01:27,797 She had met my friends 71 00:01:24,838 --> 00:01:27,797 and passed with 72 00:01:24,838 --> 00:01:27,797 flying colors. 73 00:01:27,797 --> 00:01:29,879 There was just 74 00:01:27,797 --> 00:01:29,879 one little problem. 75 00:01:29,879 --> 00:01:32,547 You guys haven't 76 00:01:29,879 --> 00:01:32,547 had sex yet? 77 00:01:32,547 --> 00:01:36,004 When Marshall and I 78 00:01:32,547 --> 00:01:36,004 were two months in, 79 00:01:32,547 --> 00:01:36,004 we were doing it 24/7. 80 00:01:36,004 --> 00:01:38,921 I know. 81 00:01:36,004 --> 00:01:38,921 I was in the top bunk. 82 00:01:38,921 --> 00:01:41,589 I also sat next to you guys 83 00:01:38,921 --> 00:01:41,589 at football games. 84 00:01:41,589 --> 00:01:43,422 So what are you 85 00:01:41,589 --> 00:01:43,422 guys waiting for? 86 00:01:43,422 --> 00:01:45,380 I think she 87 00:01:43,422 --> 00:01:45,380 wants to make sure 88 00:01:43,422 --> 00:01:45,380 we are serious first. 89 00:01:45,380 --> 00:01:47,464 That's why she 90 00:01:45,380 --> 00:01:47,464 hasn't introduced me 91 00:01:45,380 --> 00:01:47,464 to her daughter, either. 92 00:01:47,464 --> 00:01:49,213 She wants to 93 00:01:47,464 --> 00:01:49,213 take things slow. 94 00:01:49,213 --> 00:01:54,589 Wait, so you haven't had sex 95 00:01:49,213 --> 00:01:54,589 since, like, Thanksgiving. 96 00:01:54,589 --> 00:01:58,589 Do you know how many 97 00:01:54,589 --> 00:01:58,589 big federal holidays have 98 00:01:54,589 --> 00:01:58,589 come and gone since then? 99 00:01:58,589 --> 00:02:02,213 Oh, baby, do you remember 100 00:01:58,589 --> 00:02:02,213 Martin Luther King Day? 101 00:02:02,213 --> 00:02:05,297 Yeah, I do. 102 00:02:02,213 --> 00:02:05,297 We honored that 103 00:02:02,213 --> 00:02:05,297 dude big time. 104 00:02:07,255 --> 00:02:09,338 Look, I'm crazy 105 00:02:07,255 --> 00:02:09,338 about this girl, and if 106 00:02:07,255 --> 00:02:09,338 waiting is what it takes, 107 00:02:09,338 --> 00:02:11,547 then I am fine with that. 108 00:02:11,547 --> 00:02:13,631 On a totally 109 00:02:11,547 --> 00:02:13,631 unrelated note, 110 00:02:13,631 --> 00:02:16,879 does anybody have any 111 00:02:13,631 --> 00:02:16,879 gum or ice or a piece of 112 00:02:13,631 --> 00:02:16,879 bark they're not chewing? 113 00:02:22,631 --> 00:02:25,755 Hey, Barney, 114 00:02:22,631 --> 00:02:25,755 new Sky Mall came in. 115 00:02:25,755 --> 00:02:30,838 So word around the 116 00:02:25,755 --> 00:02:30,838 blogsphere is that you're 117 00:02:25,755 --> 00:02:30,838 looking for a new wingman. 118 00:02:30,838 --> 00:02:33,505 I want to let you know, 119 00:02:30,838 --> 00:02:33,505 I am available. 120 00:02:33,505 --> 00:02:35,672 Just say the word, 121 00:02:33,505 --> 00:02:35,672 or don't even say the word. 122 00:02:35,672 --> 00:02:38,255 Just do something 123 00:02:35,672 --> 00:02:38,255 with your eyebrow. 124 00:02:41,422 --> 00:02:43,797 Was that it? 125 00:02:43,797 --> 00:02:47,631 No offense, Randy, 126 00:02:43,797 --> 00:02:47,631 but there is a long list 127 00:02:43,797 --> 00:02:47,631 of candidates for this slot. 128 00:02:47,631 --> 00:02:50,672 This slot is 129 00:02:47,631 --> 00:02:50,672 Vice President 130 00:02:47,631 --> 00:02:50,672 of Awesome. 131 00:02:50,672 --> 00:02:54,672 And you are, like, 132 00:02:50,672 --> 00:02:54,672 Assistant Under-Secretary 133 00:02:50,672 --> 00:02:54,672 of Only Okay. 134 00:02:56,171 --> 00:02:59,338 Assistant Under-Secretary 135 00:02:56,171 --> 00:02:59,338 of Only Okay. 136 00:02:59,338 --> 00:03:01,921 Thank you. 137 00:02:59,338 --> 00:03:01,921 I won't let you down. 138 00:03:01,921 --> 00:03:04,547 So Uncle Barney 139 00:03:01,921 --> 00:03:04,547 began the search for 140 00:03:01,921 --> 00:03:04,547 a new wingman. 141 00:03:04,547 --> 00:03:06,921 Pete, Barney Stinson. 142 00:03:04,547 --> 00:03:06,921 Hey. 143 00:03:06,921 --> 00:03:09,004 I've been 144 00:03:06,921 --> 00:03:09,004 meaning to call you. 145 00:03:06,921 --> 00:03:09,004 It's been a while. 146 00:03:09,004 --> 00:03:12,130 Yeah, yeah. So, listen, 147 00:03:09,004 --> 00:03:12,130 you should meet me 148 00:03:09,004 --> 00:03:12,130 at MacLaren's tonight. 149 00:03:12,130 --> 00:03:14,921 You're never 150 00:03:12,130 --> 00:03:14,921 gonna believe this. 151 00:03:12,130 --> 00:03:14,921 I'm at the hospital. 152 00:03:14,921 --> 00:03:16,879 Just had a baby daughter. 153 00:03:17,921 --> 00:03:19,797 So what do you think? 154 00:03:17,921 --> 00:03:19,797 9:30, 10:00. 155 00:03:22,046 --> 00:03:24,755 Stapleton, 156 00:03:22,046 --> 00:03:24,755 Barney Stinson. 157 00:03:24,755 --> 00:03:25,921 What up, chief? 158 00:03:25,921 --> 00:03:28,338 I need a new bro. 159 00:03:25,921 --> 00:03:28,338 What do you say? 160 00:03:28,338 --> 00:03:31,589 Dude, I'd love to, 161 00:03:28,338 --> 00:03:31,589 but right now I'm 162 00:03:28,338 --> 00:03:31,589 bros with Doug Stein. 163 00:03:32,671 --> 00:03:34,464 Oh, I understand. 164 00:03:35,838 --> 00:03:38,505 Doug Stein's a good bro. 165 00:03:38,505 --> 00:03:40,755 I'm happy for you. 166 00:03:38,505 --> 00:03:40,755 Best of luck. 167 00:03:41,838 --> 00:03:45,130 Crazy Willie. 168 00:03:41,838 --> 00:03:45,130 Barney Stinson. 169 00:03:45,130 --> 00:03:47,422 What up, B dog? 170 00:03:45,130 --> 00:03:47,422 Long time no bro. 171 00:03:47,422 --> 00:03:49,338 So are we gonna 172 00:03:47,422 --> 00:03:49,338 tear it up tonight 173 00:03:47,422 --> 00:03:49,338 or what? 174 00:03:49,338 --> 00:03:51,338 Yes. Finally. 175 00:03:51,338 --> 00:03:53,088 Here's what's on 176 00:03:51,338 --> 00:03:53,088 the rocket docket. 177 00:03:53,088 --> 00:03:55,004 My wife and I 178 00:03:53,088 --> 00:03:55,004 put the cheese out at 7:00. 179 00:03:55,004 --> 00:03:58,088 Cranium at 8:00. 9:00 p.m. 180 00:03:55,004 --> 00:03:58,088 we watch 27 Dresses. 181 00:03:58,088 --> 00:03:59,589 Everybody's home by 11:00. 182 00:04:06,297 --> 00:04:09,338 Hello. 183 00:04:06,297 --> 00:04:09,338 Hanging up on you 184 00:04:06,297 --> 00:04:09,338 once wasn't enough. 185 00:04:10,630 --> 00:04:12,921 So I lanced this thing 186 00:04:10,630 --> 00:04:12,921 on this guy's back, 187 00:04:12,921 --> 00:04:15,004 and I'll be honest with you, 188 00:04:12,921 --> 00:04:15,004 I didn't even know 189 00:04:12,921 --> 00:04:15,004 what it was. 190 00:04:15,004 --> 00:04:19,046 And then it 191 00:04:15,004 --> 00:04:19,046 exploded like a volcano. 192 00:04:15,004 --> 00:04:19,046 Pus everywhere. 193 00:04:19,046 --> 00:04:22,297 Let's have sex. Right now. 194 00:04:19,046 --> 00:04:22,297 I'll lock the door. 195 00:04:22,297 --> 00:04:23,921 Oh, there's no lock 196 00:04:22,297 --> 00:04:23,921 on that door. 197 00:04:23,921 --> 00:04:26,130 We can do it 198 00:04:23,921 --> 00:04:26,130 against the door. 199 00:04:23,921 --> 00:04:26,130 It'll be hot! 200 00:04:26,130 --> 00:04:29,046 It'll be like a three-way. 201 00:04:26,130 --> 00:04:29,046 You, me and the door. 202 00:04:29,046 --> 00:04:32,255 Yeah, but then it's just 203 00:04:29,046 --> 00:04:32,255 gonna be weird between me 204 00:04:29,046 --> 00:04:32,255 and the door tomorrow. 205 00:04:33,713 --> 00:04:35,130 I'm sorry. 206 00:04:35,130 --> 00:04:37,589 We're waiting. 207 00:04:35,130 --> 00:04:37,589 It's cool. 208 00:04:37,589 --> 00:04:41,171 You've been so patient, Ted. 209 00:04:41,171 --> 00:04:43,589 The truth is 210 00:04:41,171 --> 00:04:43,589 I'm kind of nervous. 211 00:04:43,589 --> 00:04:45,213 I have a confession to make. 212 00:04:45,213 --> 00:04:47,505 I was afraid of this. 213 00:04:45,213 --> 00:04:47,505 You're 14. 214 00:04:49,755 --> 00:04:52,338 No. 215 00:04:52,338 --> 00:04:55,338 It's kind of embarrassing, 216 00:04:52,338 --> 00:04:55,338 but it's been a while 217 00:04:55,338 --> 00:04:57,755 since I was 218 00:04:55,338 --> 00:04:57,755 intimate with anyone. 219 00:04:57,755 --> 00:05:00,171 Wow, it's funny 220 00:04:57,755 --> 00:05:00,171 that you say that. 221 00:05:00,171 --> 00:05:02,505 Me, too. 222 00:05:00,171 --> 00:05:02,505 Really? 223 00:05:02,505 --> 00:05:04,547 How long has it 224 00:05:02,505 --> 00:05:04,547 been for you? 225 00:05:05,464 --> 00:05:07,130 It's been a while. 226 00:05:07,130 --> 00:05:08,338 Tell me. 227 00:05:11,338 --> 00:05:12,963 Me, too! 228 00:05:12,963 --> 00:05:15,630 It's been five months 229 00:05:12,963 --> 00:05:15,630 for you, too? 230 00:05:15,630 --> 00:05:17,297 Five years? 231 00:05:38,130 --> 00:05:41,588 Wow. Stella hasn't 232 00:05:38,130 --> 00:05:41,588 had sex since 2003. 233 00:05:41,588 --> 00:05:43,422 Let's put this in context. 234 00:05:43,422 --> 00:05:46,338 The last time 235 00:05:43,422 --> 00:05:46,338 Stella had sex, 236 00:05:43,422 --> 00:05:46,338 the movie Seabiscuit 237 00:05:46,338 --> 00:05:49,380 had just galloped 238 00:05:46,338 --> 00:05:49,380 into theaters and 239 00:05:46,338 --> 00:05:49,380 our hearts. 240 00:05:50,755 --> 00:05:53,046 Five years? 241 00:05:53,046 --> 00:05:58,046 God, if I even went one year, 242 00:05:53,046 --> 00:05:58,046 I would be out on the street 243 00:05:53,046 --> 00:05:58,046 selling it for a nickel. 244 00:05:58,046 --> 00:06:00,130 The last time 245 00:05:58,046 --> 00:06:00,130 Stella had sex, 246 00:06:00,130 --> 00:06:03,046 the world was just 247 00:06:00,130 --> 00:06:03,046 learning about SARS: 248 00:06:03,046 --> 00:06:04,797 Well, Ted, 249 00:06:03,046 --> 00:06:04,797 what else did she say? 250 00:06:04,797 --> 00:06:07,088 Did she give you any 251 00:06:04,797 --> 00:06:07,088 kind of explanation? 252 00:06:07,088 --> 00:06:09,630 Look, after Lucy was born, 253 00:06:07,088 --> 00:06:09,630 I dated a little, 254 00:06:09,630 --> 00:06:12,171 but it was hard 255 00:06:09,630 --> 00:06:12,171 to find a guy 256 00:06:09,630 --> 00:06:12,171 I could trust enough. 257 00:06:12,171 --> 00:06:15,797 Sooner or later, 258 00:06:12,171 --> 00:06:15,797 every one of them 259 00:06:12,171 --> 00:06:15,797 gave me a reason not to. 260 00:06:15,797 --> 00:06:19,046 But nobody 261 00:06:15,797 --> 00:06:19,046 in five years? 262 00:06:19,046 --> 00:06:22,380 Look, Ted, 263 00:06:19,046 --> 00:06:22,380 guys regret the girls 264 00:06:19,046 --> 00:06:22,380 they didn't sleep with. 265 00:06:22,380 --> 00:06:24,088 Girls regret 266 00:06:22,380 --> 00:06:24,088 the guys they do 267 00:06:22,380 --> 00:06:24,088 sleep with. 268 00:06:24,088 --> 00:06:27,713 And for the past five years, 269 00:06:24,088 --> 00:06:27,713 I've had no regrets. 270 00:06:30,546 --> 00:06:32,838 Ted, you're staring 271 00:06:30,546 --> 00:06:32,838 at my boobs. 272 00:06:32,838 --> 00:06:35,671 In my defense, 273 00:06:32,838 --> 00:06:35,671 they were staring at me. 274 00:06:37,046 --> 00:06:38,338 So what does 275 00:06:37,046 --> 00:06:38,338 this mean for you? 276 00:06:38,338 --> 00:06:40,504 Is she ever gonna 277 00:06:38,338 --> 00:06:40,504 want to get intimate? 278 00:06:40,504 --> 00:06:42,588 Actually... 279 00:06:42,588 --> 00:06:45,088 But the truth is, 280 00:06:42,588 --> 00:06:45,088 I really do want 281 00:06:42,588 --> 00:06:45,088 to do this with you. 282 00:06:45,088 --> 00:06:47,588 I don't think I'd 283 00:06:45,088 --> 00:06:47,588 regret it at all. 284 00:06:47,588 --> 00:06:49,630 Your pillow talk's 285 00:06:47,588 --> 00:06:49,630 a little rusty. 286 00:06:49,630 --> 00:06:52,838 You know what I mean, Ted. 287 00:06:49,630 --> 00:06:52,838 I'm ready. 288 00:06:52,838 --> 00:06:54,213 That's great. 289 00:06:55,171 --> 00:06:56,463 Like, "right now" ready? 290 00:06:58,004 --> 00:07:00,130 So her sister's 291 00:06:58,004 --> 00:07:00,130 driving up to 292 00:06:58,004 --> 00:07:00,130 baby-sit Lucy, 293 00:07:00,130 --> 00:07:02,838 and we're getting 294 00:07:00,130 --> 00:07:02,838 a hotel room in the 295 00:07:00,130 --> 00:07:02,838 city Saturday night. 296 00:07:02,838 --> 00:07:04,755 The last time 297 00:07:02,838 --> 00:07:04,755 Stella had sex, 298 00:07:04,755 --> 00:07:06,797 The Da Vinci Code 299 00:07:04,755 --> 00:07:06,797 had just come out. 300 00:07:06,797 --> 00:07:08,213 That doesn't seem 301 00:07:06,797 --> 00:07:08,213 like that long ago. 302 00:07:08,213 --> 00:07:10,838 Not the movie, the book. 303 00:07:10,838 --> 00:07:12,797 Wow. 304 00:07:12,797 --> 00:07:13,963 It's a lot of pressure, 305 00:07:12,797 --> 00:07:13,963 isn't it? 306 00:07:13,963 --> 00:07:15,879 You know what? It's not. 307 00:07:15,879 --> 00:07:19,879 This woman needs it bad. 308 00:07:15,879 --> 00:07:19,879 Anything you do is 309 00:07:15,879 --> 00:07:19,879 going to be fireworks. 310 00:07:19,879 --> 00:07:23,004 I remember my 311 00:07:19,879 --> 00:07:23,004 longest drought. 312 00:07:23,004 --> 00:07:25,463 It was that summer 313 00:07:23,004 --> 00:07:25,463 I lived in San Francisco. 314 00:07:25,463 --> 00:07:29,088 I hadn't had been 315 00:07:25,463 --> 00:07:29,088 with Marshall in 316 00:07:25,463 --> 00:07:29,088 two months and 19 days. 317 00:07:38,463 --> 00:07:41,546 Oh, San Francisco. 318 00:07:41,546 --> 00:07:43,171 I don't know, Lily, 319 00:07:41,546 --> 00:07:43,171 after five years, 320 00:07:43,171 --> 00:07:45,380 her expectations have 321 00:07:43,171 --> 00:07:45,380 got to be pretty high. 322 00:07:45,380 --> 00:07:47,546 Notable deaths in 2003... 323 00:07:49,671 --> 00:07:52,588 Oh, my God. 324 00:07:49,671 --> 00:07:52,588 Nell Carter. 325 00:07:54,046 --> 00:07:57,713 Did you guys know 326 00:07:54,046 --> 00:07:57,713 that Nell Carter had died? 327 00:07:57,713 --> 00:08:00,297 I'm really gonna 328 00:07:57,713 --> 00:08:00,297 have to bring my A-game 329 00:07:57,713 --> 00:08:00,297 to satisfy this woman. 330 00:08:00,297 --> 00:08:02,630 Yeah, 331 00:08:00,297 --> 00:08:02,630 it'll be pretty hard now 332 00:08:00,297 --> 00:08:02,630 that she's dead. 333 00:08:02,630 --> 00:08:04,838 Not Nell Carter. Stella. 334 00:08:04,838 --> 00:08:07,546 Dude, relax. It's all about 335 00:08:04,838 --> 00:08:07,546 expectations management. 336 00:08:07,546 --> 00:08:09,630 Do you know why I hated 337 00:08:07,546 --> 00:08:09,630 Jerry Maguire so much? 338 00:08:09,630 --> 00:08:11,588 Because you're 339 00:08:09,630 --> 00:08:11,588 dead inside? 340 00:08:11,588 --> 00:08:13,963 No, because 341 00:08:11,588 --> 00:08:13,963 you built it up for, 342 00:08:11,588 --> 00:08:13,963 like, two weeks, 343 00:08:13,963 --> 00:08:15,879 saying it was 344 00:08:13,963 --> 00:08:15,879 the greatest movie ever. 345 00:08:15,879 --> 00:08:19,130 With Stella, 346 00:08:15,879 --> 00:08:19,130 do the opposite, 347 00:08:15,879 --> 00:08:19,130 lower expectations. 348 00:08:19,130 --> 00:08:21,338 Right, right, and then 349 00:08:19,130 --> 00:08:21,338 no matter what happens, 350 00:08:19,130 --> 00:08:21,338 she'll be happy. 351 00:08:23,130 --> 00:08:24,838 Oh! 352 00:08:24,838 --> 00:08:26,713 Hey, buddy. 353 00:08:26,713 --> 00:08:30,297 I'm married, Barney. 354 00:08:26,713 --> 00:08:30,297 I cannot be your new wingman. 355 00:08:33,838 --> 00:08:34,879 No. 356 00:08:42,713 --> 00:08:45,797 Hey, Randy. 357 00:08:42,713 --> 00:08:45,797 Would you come in 358 00:08:42,713 --> 00:08:45,797 here for a minute? 359 00:08:47,755 --> 00:08:48,963 Good news. 360 00:08:48,963 --> 00:08:50,963 I'm calling you up 361 00:08:48,963 --> 00:08:50,963 to the majors. 362 00:08:50,963 --> 00:08:55,004 Starting tomorrow night, 363 00:08:50,963 --> 00:08:55,004 how would you like to be 364 00:08:50,963 --> 00:08:55,004 my new wingman? 365 00:08:55,963 --> 00:08:57,671 Uh... 366 00:08:57,671 --> 00:09:00,713 Just need to 367 00:08:57,671 --> 00:09:00,713 check my calendar. 368 00:08:57,671 --> 00:09:00,713 Be right back. 369 00:09:24,088 --> 00:09:25,630 Tomorrow works. 370 00:09:28,588 --> 00:09:31,297 I have a surprise 371 00:09:28,588 --> 00:09:31,297 appetizer for us today. 372 00:09:28,588 --> 00:09:31,297 Check it out. 373 00:09:31,297 --> 00:09:32,546 Mmm-hmm. 374 00:09:32,546 --> 00:09:34,130 Potato skins. 375 00:09:34,130 --> 00:09:35,921 Fancy. 376 00:09:34,130 --> 00:09:35,921 Yeah, right? 377 00:09:35,921 --> 00:09:38,797 God, it's been forever 378 00:09:35,921 --> 00:09:38,797 since I had potato skins. 379 00:09:38,797 --> 00:09:42,797 I remember them as being 380 00:09:38,797 --> 00:09:42,797 pretty much the most 381 00:09:38,797 --> 00:09:42,797 delicious things ever. 382 00:09:44,504 --> 00:09:45,713 Hmm! 383 00:09:46,630 --> 00:09:48,546 That's surprising. 384 00:09:48,546 --> 00:09:50,463 What? 385 00:09:48,546 --> 00:09:50,463 This potato skin. 386 00:09:50,463 --> 00:09:52,130 It's good, 387 00:09:52,130 --> 00:09:56,004 but not nearly as good 388 00:09:52,130 --> 00:09:56,004 as I'd built it up 389 00:09:52,130 --> 00:09:56,004 to be in my head. 390 00:09:56,004 --> 00:09:59,046 Even though this potato skin 391 00:09:56,004 --> 00:09:59,046 performed admirably 392 00:09:59,046 --> 00:10:02,213 and is a totally 393 00:09:59,046 --> 00:10:02,213 respectable size, 394 00:10:02,213 --> 00:10:05,755 I couldn't enjoy it 395 00:10:02,213 --> 00:10:05,755 because of my own 396 00:10:02,213 --> 00:10:05,755 unrealistic expectations. 397 00:10:05,755 --> 00:10:06,963 Hmm. 398 00:10:06,963 --> 00:10:08,838 Ted, I see 399 00:10:06,963 --> 00:10:08,838 what you're doing. 400 00:10:08,838 --> 00:10:12,088 You're trying to lower 401 00:10:08,838 --> 00:10:12,088 my expectations for tonight. 402 00:10:12,088 --> 00:10:14,213 Is this a length thing? 403 00:10:12,088 --> 00:10:14,213 No. 404 00:10:14,213 --> 00:10:15,755 Quick on the draw? 405 00:10:14,213 --> 00:10:15,755 No. 406 00:10:15,755 --> 00:10:19,046 Unexpected 407 00:10:15,755 --> 00:10:19,046 number of testicles? 408 00:10:15,755 --> 00:10:19,046 No! 409 00:10:19,046 --> 00:10:20,921 It's just that this 410 00:10:19,046 --> 00:10:20,921 is a big deal for you. 411 00:10:20,921 --> 00:10:22,879 I mean, it's like your 412 00:10:20,921 --> 00:10:22,879 virginity, the sequel. 413 00:10:24,504 --> 00:10:26,463 Virginity 2, 414 00:10:24,504 --> 00:10:26,463 Electric Boogaloo? 415 00:10:26,463 --> 00:10:28,463 Exactly, and I don't 416 00:10:26,463 --> 00:10:28,463 want to mess it up. 417 00:10:28,463 --> 00:10:31,588 I don't want you 418 00:10:28,463 --> 00:10:31,588 to ever wonder 419 00:10:28,463 --> 00:10:31,588 if I was worth it. 420 00:10:31,588 --> 00:10:35,088 Ted, of course 421 00:10:31,588 --> 00:10:35,088 it's gonna be worth it. 422 00:10:35,088 --> 00:10:37,004 Stop worrying. 423 00:10:37,004 --> 00:10:40,296 It's you and me. 424 00:10:37,004 --> 00:10:40,296 It already has 425 00:10:37,004 --> 00:10:40,296 everything it needs. 426 00:10:44,838 --> 00:10:46,963 "Unexpected 427 00:10:44,838 --> 00:10:46,963 number of testicles"? 428 00:10:46,963 --> 00:10:49,504 It happens. 429 00:10:46,963 --> 00:10:49,504 I knew a guy 430 00:10:46,963 --> 00:10:49,504 in med school, 431 00:10:49,504 --> 00:10:52,213 we used to joke 432 00:10:49,504 --> 00:10:52,213 that he was one ball 433 00:10:49,504 --> 00:10:52,213 away from getting walked. 434 00:10:56,546 --> 00:10:57,630 Hey. 435 00:10:57,630 --> 00:10:59,630 What up, 436 00:10:57,630 --> 00:10:59,630 Bro-seph Lieberman? 437 00:11:00,588 --> 00:11:01,797 No. Uh-uh. 438 00:11:01,797 --> 00:11:04,963 Randy, we never use 439 00:11:01,797 --> 00:11:04,963 the word "bro" 440 00:11:04,963 --> 00:11:08,755 in the name of 441 00:11:04,963 --> 00:11:08,755 a failed Democratic 442 00:11:04,963 --> 00:11:08,755 vice presidential candidate. 443 00:11:09,797 --> 00:11:12,921 Goodbye, 444 00:11:09,797 --> 00:11:12,921 Geraldine Ferrar-bro. 445 00:11:14,879 --> 00:11:17,546 You know what? 446 00:11:14,879 --> 00:11:17,546 I'm excited 447 00:11:14,879 --> 00:11:17,546 about this, Randy. 448 00:11:17,546 --> 00:11:20,963 You will be my 449 00:11:17,546 --> 00:11:20,963 next masterpiece. 450 00:11:17,546 --> 00:11:20,963 It's like with Ted. 451 00:11:20,963 --> 00:11:24,046 When I first met him, 452 00:11:20,963 --> 00:11:24,046 he was an even 453 00:11:20,963 --> 00:11:24,046 bigger loser than you. 454 00:11:24,046 --> 00:11:26,004 What a loser. 455 00:11:26,004 --> 00:11:29,713 But tonight, 456 00:11:26,004 --> 00:11:29,713 I am going to make you 457 00:11:26,004 --> 00:11:29,713 the greatest wingman 458 00:11:29,713 --> 00:11:32,963 in the history of wingmen. 459 00:11:32,963 --> 00:11:35,088 Oh, it's gonna be easier 460 00:11:32,963 --> 00:11:35,088 than you think, bro. 461 00:11:35,088 --> 00:11:37,421 You know, I've been reading 462 00:11:35,088 --> 00:11:37,421 your blog for years. 463 00:11:37,421 --> 00:11:39,130 You are like a god to me. 464 00:11:39,130 --> 00:11:41,879 That's why tonight 465 00:11:39,130 --> 00:11:41,879 is going to be legendary... 466 00:11:41,879 --> 00:11:43,755 Wait for it. 467 00:11:43,755 --> 00:11:44,879 Dary. 468 00:11:48,130 --> 00:11:49,630 Ooh! 469 00:11:49,630 --> 00:11:51,671 Okay, Randy, 470 00:11:49,630 --> 00:11:51,671 let's do this. 471 00:11:54,963 --> 00:11:57,170 You ready? 472 00:11:54,963 --> 00:11:57,170 Yes. 473 00:11:57,170 --> 00:11:59,088 No, no, no, no, no! 474 00:11:59,088 --> 00:12:01,379 What? What's the matter? 475 00:12:01,379 --> 00:12:03,797 Nothing. Let's do this. 476 00:12:05,379 --> 00:12:06,963 No, no, no, no, 477 00:12:05,379 --> 00:12:06,963 no, please, please, please. 478 00:12:06,963 --> 00:12:08,713 Just wait. 479 00:12:06,963 --> 00:12:08,713 Just wait. 480 00:12:06,963 --> 00:12:08,713 Just wait! 481 00:12:08,713 --> 00:12:10,630 Randy, what are you doing? 482 00:12:10,630 --> 00:12:13,630 Dripping with game, 483 00:12:10,630 --> 00:12:13,630 that's what I'm doing. 484 00:12:13,630 --> 00:12:15,379 Okay, let's go. No. 485 00:12:13,630 --> 00:12:15,379 Let's... 486 00:12:15,379 --> 00:12:19,296 Yes. No! Randy, 487 00:12:15,379 --> 00:12:19,296 listen to me. 488 00:12:15,379 --> 00:12:19,296 You can do this, okay? 489 00:12:19,296 --> 00:12:21,630 Oh, I don't know. 490 00:12:19,296 --> 00:12:21,630 Are those girls 491 00:12:19,296 --> 00:12:21,630 even really that hot? 492 00:12:21,630 --> 00:12:24,463 Yes, they're hot. 493 00:12:21,630 --> 00:12:24,463 Let's do this. Okay! 494 00:12:28,546 --> 00:12:31,755 Hey, ladies. 495 00:12:28,546 --> 00:12:31,755 Have you met... 496 00:12:38,963 --> 00:12:40,504 Hey. 497 00:12:38,963 --> 00:12:40,504 Hey! 498 00:12:40,504 --> 00:12:42,504 So, here's the plan. 499 00:12:42,504 --> 00:12:45,296 Take a horse-drawn carriage 500 00:12:42,504 --> 00:12:45,296 through the park, 501 00:12:42,504 --> 00:12:45,296 and it just so happens 502 00:12:45,296 --> 00:12:46,546 the Philharmonic is 503 00:12:45,296 --> 00:12:46,546 playing an open-air... 504 00:12:46,546 --> 00:12:48,004 Ted. Five years. 505 00:12:48,004 --> 00:12:49,046 Straight to the hotel? 506 00:12:48,004 --> 00:12:49,046 Straight to the hotel. 507 00:12:49,046 --> 00:12:50,630 I'll get my bag. 508 00:12:53,046 --> 00:12:54,504 Hey, guys. 509 00:12:53,046 --> 00:12:54,504 Hey. 510 00:12:54,504 --> 00:12:55,630 Hey. 511 00:12:55,630 --> 00:12:58,170 So, looking forward 512 00:12:55,630 --> 00:12:58,170 to tonight? 513 00:12:58,170 --> 00:12:59,797 Yeah. Definitely. 514 00:12:59,797 --> 00:13:01,838 It's been such a long time 515 00:12:59,797 --> 00:13:01,838 since I've had a night out. 516 00:13:01,838 --> 00:13:04,212 Yeah, we heard. 517 00:13:04,212 --> 00:13:07,838 I would explode 518 00:13:04,212 --> 00:13:07,838 if it had been that long 519 00:13:04,212 --> 00:13:07,838 since I had a night out. 520 00:13:07,838 --> 00:13:12,463 This one wakes me up 521 00:13:07,838 --> 00:13:12,463 at 4:00 a.m. Sometimes just 522 00:13:07,838 --> 00:13:12,463 to have a little night out. 523 00:13:13,588 --> 00:13:16,254 What are you 524 00:13:13,588 --> 00:13:16,254 guys talking about? 525 00:13:17,504 --> 00:13:20,379 Nothing. Pizza. 526 00:13:17,504 --> 00:13:20,379 What are you talking about? 527 00:13:21,713 --> 00:13:23,838 Hey, guys. 528 00:13:23,838 --> 00:13:25,879 Ted, you told them, 529 00:13:23,838 --> 00:13:25,879 didn't you? 530 00:13:25,879 --> 00:13:27,879 Told them what? 531 00:13:27,879 --> 00:13:30,755 You told them that 532 00:13:27,879 --> 00:13:30,755 I haven't had sex 533 00:13:27,879 --> 00:13:30,755 in five years. 534 00:13:33,588 --> 00:13:36,170 You haven't had 535 00:13:33,588 --> 00:13:36,170 sex in five years? 536 00:13:36,170 --> 00:13:40,379 That is a shocking 537 00:13:36,170 --> 00:13:40,379 revelation that we're just 538 00:13:36,170 --> 00:13:40,379 finding out about right now! 539 00:13:50,546 --> 00:13:53,170 Stella, I'm sorry. 540 00:13:50,546 --> 00:13:53,170 I shouldn't have told them. 541 00:13:53,170 --> 00:13:55,004 But they're my best friends. 542 00:13:53,170 --> 00:13:55,004 I tell them everything. 543 00:13:55,004 --> 00:13:57,004 I didn't even 544 00:13:55,004 --> 00:13:57,004 think about it. 545 00:13:57,004 --> 00:13:59,671 Ted, that was so personal. 546 00:13:59,671 --> 00:14:01,254 Plus, now your friends 547 00:13:59,671 --> 00:14:01,254 think I'm a freak. 548 00:14:01,254 --> 00:14:03,129 No, they don't. 549 00:14:03,129 --> 00:14:04,838 Look, I realize 550 00:14:03,129 --> 00:14:04,838 it's weird, okay? 551 00:14:04,838 --> 00:14:07,129 Not many people 552 00:14:04,838 --> 00:14:07,129 go five years 553 00:14:04,838 --> 00:14:07,129 without having sex. 554 00:14:07,129 --> 00:14:09,004 Thirteen years? 555 00:14:09,004 --> 00:14:11,921 I peaked really young. 556 00:14:11,921 --> 00:14:13,671 That's why it was difficult 557 00:14:11,921 --> 00:14:13,671 for me to tell you. 558 00:14:13,671 --> 00:14:15,921 But I did tell you 559 00:14:13,671 --> 00:14:15,921 because I thought that 560 00:14:13,671 --> 00:14:15,921 I could trust you. 561 00:14:15,921 --> 00:14:17,129 You can trust me. 562 00:14:17,129 --> 00:14:20,087 Obviously, I can't. 563 00:14:20,087 --> 00:14:22,337 You know, 564 00:14:20,087 --> 00:14:22,337 there's always a reason 565 00:14:20,087 --> 00:14:22,337 not to sleep with a guy, 566 00:14:22,337 --> 00:14:24,254 and you just 567 00:14:22,337 --> 00:14:24,254 gave me yours. 568 00:14:24,254 --> 00:14:28,045 Wait, 569 00:14:24,254 --> 00:14:28,045 did I give you a reason, 570 00:14:24,254 --> 00:14:28,045 or were you looking for one? 571 00:14:29,004 --> 00:14:31,212 Why would I be 572 00:14:29,004 --> 00:14:31,212 looking for one? 573 00:14:31,212 --> 00:14:33,296 Because things are getting 574 00:14:31,212 --> 00:14:33,296 serious between us, 575 00:14:33,296 --> 00:14:35,170 and that scares you. 576 00:14:38,254 --> 00:14:40,003 Good night, Ted. 577 00:14:42,671 --> 00:14:46,630 Okay, Randy, now tell me, 578 00:14:42,671 --> 00:14:46,630 without looking at your hand, 579 00:14:46,630 --> 00:14:50,879 what are the three 580 00:14:46,630 --> 00:14:50,879 beginner techniques for 581 00:14:46,630 --> 00:14:50,879 picking up a woman at a bar? 582 00:14:50,879 --> 00:14:52,838 Isolate her 583 00:14:50,879 --> 00:14:52,838 from her friends, 584 00:14:52,838 --> 00:14:55,003 repeat her name 585 00:14:52,838 --> 00:14:55,003 in conversation, 586 00:14:55,003 --> 00:14:56,755 subtly put her down. 587 00:14:56,755 --> 00:14:58,921 Excellent. 588 00:14:58,921 --> 00:15:01,129 Now, let's put those to use. 589 00:15:02,504 --> 00:15:04,463 I'm right behind you. 590 00:15:08,504 --> 00:15:11,296 Hi, I'm Randy. 591 00:15:08,504 --> 00:15:11,296 What's your name? 592 00:15:11,296 --> 00:15:13,588 Haley. 593 00:15:11,296 --> 00:15:13,588 Haley. 594 00:15:13,588 --> 00:15:16,296 Haley, that's 595 00:15:13,588 --> 00:15:16,296 a pretty name, Haley. 596 00:15:16,296 --> 00:15:17,713 Come here, Haley. 597 00:15:18,630 --> 00:15:19,671 Um. 598 00:15:19,671 --> 00:15:20,797 Okay. 599 00:15:23,379 --> 00:15:25,630 Haley, you are a fat, 600 00:15:23,379 --> 00:15:25,630 ugly whore. 601 00:15:32,296 --> 00:15:35,003 I'm sorry, Barney. 602 00:15:32,296 --> 00:15:35,003 So you got a drink 603 00:15:32,296 --> 00:15:35,003 thrown in your face. 604 00:15:35,003 --> 00:15:36,588 Happens to me 605 00:15:35,003 --> 00:15:36,588 all the time. 606 00:15:36,588 --> 00:15:38,504 Pretty soon you'll be 607 00:15:36,588 --> 00:15:38,504 able to anticipate it, 608 00:15:38,504 --> 00:15:40,546 and when you do? 609 00:15:38,504 --> 00:15:40,546 Free drink. 610 00:15:41,755 --> 00:15:43,755 Hey. We got two live ones. 611 00:15:43,755 --> 00:15:46,546 New plan. 612 00:15:43,755 --> 00:15:46,546 This time follow my lead. 613 00:15:49,504 --> 00:15:50,962 Evening, ladies. 614 00:15:50,962 --> 00:15:53,421 Oh, I like your broach. 615 00:15:53,421 --> 00:15:55,630 What is that? 616 00:15:53,421 --> 00:15:55,630 Oh, it's a koala bear. 617 00:15:55,630 --> 00:15:56,920 I think they're adorable. 618 00:15:56,920 --> 00:15:59,212 No way! 619 00:15:59,212 --> 00:16:02,797 My friend Randy here 620 00:15:59,212 --> 00:16:02,797 is the leading expert on 621 00:15:59,212 --> 00:16:02,797 koala bears in Australia! 622 00:16:02,797 --> 00:16:04,713 He's in town working 623 00:16:02,797 --> 00:16:04,713 with the Bronx Zoo. 624 00:16:04,713 --> 00:16:07,337 You are? 625 00:16:04,713 --> 00:16:07,337 That is so cool! 626 00:16:08,630 --> 00:16:11,962 What is your favorite thing 627 00:16:08,630 --> 00:16:11,962 about koala bears? 628 00:16:14,296 --> 00:16:15,546 Their 629 00:16:17,671 --> 00:16:19,920 meat is delicious. 630 00:16:24,755 --> 00:16:27,087 I'm sorry, Barney. 631 00:16:24,755 --> 00:16:27,087 It's okay. 632 00:16:27,087 --> 00:16:30,003 New plan, we need to 633 00:16:27,087 --> 00:16:30,003 get you comfortable 634 00:16:30,003 --> 00:16:32,379 just saying words to women. 635 00:16:32,379 --> 00:16:33,920 Now, there's no reason 636 00:16:32,379 --> 00:16:33,920 to be nervous, 637 00:16:33,920 --> 00:16:36,129 because my friend Robin 638 00:16:33,920 --> 00:16:36,129 has agreed to help out. 639 00:16:36,129 --> 00:16:38,337 Because you threatened 640 00:16:36,129 --> 00:16:38,337 to put a video of us 641 00:16:36,129 --> 00:16:38,337 on the Internet, 642 00:16:38,337 --> 00:16:40,296 which I'm still not 643 00:16:38,337 --> 00:16:40,296 convinced you have. 644 00:16:40,296 --> 00:16:43,838 Right. Which is why 645 00:16:40,296 --> 00:16:43,838 you came all the way 646 00:16:40,296 --> 00:16:43,838 from Brooklyn at midnight. 647 00:16:43,838 --> 00:16:47,212 Now, Randy, 648 00:16:43,838 --> 00:16:47,212 let's keep it simple. 649 00:16:47,212 --> 00:16:49,504 Just start by 650 00:16:47,212 --> 00:16:49,504 introducing yourself. 651 00:16:50,421 --> 00:16:52,296 Hi. My name's Randy. 652 00:16:52,296 --> 00:16:53,797 Hi, Randy. 653 00:16:53,797 --> 00:16:56,087 How are you? 654 00:16:53,797 --> 00:16:56,087 I'm good. 655 00:16:53,797 --> 00:16:56,087 How are you? 656 00:16:56,087 --> 00:16:57,546 Good, thank you. 657 00:16:56,087 --> 00:16:57,546 Great. 658 00:16:57,546 --> 00:16:58,797 You're doing really, 659 00:16:57,546 --> 00:16:58,797 really well. 660 00:16:58,797 --> 00:17:01,920 Now ask her what 661 00:16:58,797 --> 00:17:01,920 she's doing later. 662 00:17:01,920 --> 00:17:03,838 What are you doing later? 663 00:17:03,838 --> 00:17:06,713 Yeah, your nose is 664 00:17:03,838 --> 00:17:06,713 bleeding like a faucet. 665 00:17:08,421 --> 00:17:10,755 Oh, God. 666 00:17:08,421 --> 00:17:10,755 This happens every time 667 00:17:08,421 --> 00:17:10,755 I get an erection. 668 00:17:10,755 --> 00:17:12,463 I am so sorry. 669 00:17:15,379 --> 00:17:18,254 Okay. Okay, 670 00:17:15,379 --> 00:17:18,254 new plan. 671 00:17:18,254 --> 00:17:21,588 We wrap his face in gauze 672 00:17:18,254 --> 00:17:21,588 so he can't bleed or talk. 673 00:17:21,588 --> 00:17:23,296 You are the woman... 674 00:17:21,588 --> 00:17:23,296 Barney, 675 00:17:23,296 --> 00:17:26,254 why are you so desperate 676 00:17:23,296 --> 00:17:26,254 to have this happen? 677 00:17:26,254 --> 00:17:28,588 I'm a wingman. 678 00:17:26,254 --> 00:17:28,588 That's what wingmen do. 679 00:17:28,588 --> 00:17:30,212 Is it possible 680 00:17:30,212 --> 00:17:32,296 that you're trying to fill 681 00:17:30,212 --> 00:17:32,296 the void of losing Ted 682 00:17:32,296 --> 00:17:35,504 by rushing into 683 00:17:32,296 --> 00:17:35,504 a new wingman relationship? 684 00:17:35,504 --> 00:17:36,837 What are you saying? 685 00:17:36,837 --> 00:17:40,254 I'm saying that Randy 686 00:17:36,837 --> 00:17:40,254 is your rebound bro. 687 00:17:40,254 --> 00:17:42,920 No. That's crazy. 688 00:17:42,920 --> 00:17:45,504 What Randy and 689 00:17:42,920 --> 00:17:45,504 I have is real. 690 00:17:45,504 --> 00:17:49,504 No, it's not, Barney. 691 00:17:45,504 --> 00:17:49,504 And even if you got 692 00:17:45,504 --> 00:17:49,504 Randy laid tonight, 693 00:17:49,504 --> 00:17:54,588 would it feel 694 00:17:49,504 --> 00:17:54,588 anywhere near as meaningful 695 00:17:49,504 --> 00:17:54,588 as when you got Ted laid? 696 00:17:54,588 --> 00:17:56,630 He was just so happy 697 00:17:54,588 --> 00:17:56,630 the next morning, 698 00:17:54,588 --> 00:17:56,630 you know? 699 00:17:56,630 --> 00:17:58,504 I know. 700 00:17:58,504 --> 00:18:00,170 All right. 701 00:17:58,504 --> 00:18:00,170 It hasn't clotted, 702 00:18:00,170 --> 00:18:03,337 but I think it's pretty much 703 00:18:00,170 --> 00:18:03,337 draining backwards now. 704 00:18:05,212 --> 00:18:07,421 Randy. 705 00:18:07,421 --> 00:18:09,463 I've been thinking, 706 00:18:09,463 --> 00:18:11,630 this isn't working out. 707 00:18:11,630 --> 00:18:13,713 Yeah, I figured. 708 00:18:13,713 --> 00:18:17,630 I knew I couldn't fly 709 00:18:13,713 --> 00:18:17,630 this close to the sun 710 00:18:13,713 --> 00:18:17,630 without getting burned. 711 00:18:17,630 --> 00:18:19,087 The story of my life. 712 00:18:19,087 --> 00:18:20,504 I always let people down. 713 00:18:20,504 --> 00:18:23,463 You, my dad, the chief. 714 00:18:23,463 --> 00:18:24,713 The chief? 715 00:18:24,713 --> 00:18:26,379 Yeah, I was a cop for, 716 00:18:24,713 --> 00:18:26,379 like, three months. 717 00:18:26,379 --> 00:18:28,170 But I got 718 00:18:26,379 --> 00:18:28,170 kicked off the force 719 00:18:28,170 --> 00:18:31,254 because I screwed up so much 720 00:18:28,170 --> 00:18:31,254 I was an insurance liability. 721 00:18:31,254 --> 00:18:35,212 You were a New York 722 00:18:31,254 --> 00:18:35,212 City police officer 723 00:18:31,254 --> 00:18:35,212 and you didn't tell me? 724 00:18:35,212 --> 00:18:37,463 Wow. Did you ever 725 00:18:35,212 --> 00:18:37,463 shoot anybody? 726 00:18:37,463 --> 00:18:38,671 Only all the time. 727 00:18:38,671 --> 00:18:40,837 But not himself. 728 00:18:38,671 --> 00:18:40,837 And not in the foot. 729 00:18:40,837 --> 00:18:42,337 Actually... 730 00:18:40,837 --> 00:18:42,337 Bu, bu, bu... 731 00:18:42,337 --> 00:18:44,129 Bu, bu, bu... 732 00:18:42,337 --> 00:18:44,129 But nothing. 733 00:18:44,129 --> 00:18:47,588 I don't think 734 00:18:44,129 --> 00:18:47,588 there's anything 735 00:18:44,129 --> 00:18:47,588 hotter than a cop. 736 00:18:47,588 --> 00:18:49,962 Are you okay? 737 00:18:47,588 --> 00:18:49,962 Your nose is bleeding. 738 00:18:49,962 --> 00:18:53,129 Old injury. 739 00:18:49,962 --> 00:18:53,129 The bullet's still 740 00:18:49,962 --> 00:18:53,129 lodged in his sinus. 741 00:18:53,129 --> 00:18:54,630 Oh, my, God! 742 00:18:54,630 --> 00:18:56,754 You know what? 743 00:18:54,630 --> 00:18:56,754 I live right 744 00:18:54,630 --> 00:18:56,754 around the corner. 745 00:18:56,754 --> 00:18:59,671 Can I take you to my 746 00:18:56,754 --> 00:18:59,671 place and fix you up? 747 00:19:02,254 --> 00:19:04,212 That would be very nice. 748 00:19:05,962 --> 00:19:07,837 Have a great time, you two. 749 00:19:07,837 --> 00:19:09,837 Oh, 750 00:19:07,837 --> 00:19:09,837 my God, thank you. 751 00:19:07,837 --> 00:19:09,837 I can't thank you enough. 752 00:19:12,588 --> 00:19:16,045 I am the greatest 753 00:19:12,588 --> 00:19:16,045 wingman of all time. 754 00:19:16,045 --> 00:19:19,421 Ted doesn't know 755 00:19:16,045 --> 00:19:19,421 what he's missing. 756 00:19:19,421 --> 00:19:22,045 You had to 757 00:19:19,421 --> 00:19:22,045 mention Ted, didn't you? 758 00:19:29,712 --> 00:19:32,630 Okay, I really 759 00:19:29,712 --> 00:19:32,630 overreacted last night. 760 00:19:29,712 --> 00:19:32,630 I'm sorry. 761 00:19:33,962 --> 00:19:35,796 Maybe I have 762 00:19:33,962 --> 00:19:35,796 some trust issues, 763 00:19:35,796 --> 00:19:39,129 but believe me, 764 00:19:35,796 --> 00:19:39,129 I have earned them. 765 00:19:39,129 --> 00:19:42,962 You said that I was 766 00:19:39,129 --> 00:19:42,962 looking for a reason for this 767 00:19:39,129 --> 00:19:42,962 whole thing to fall apart. 768 00:19:42,962 --> 00:19:45,671 Well, you're onto me, Ted. 769 00:19:45,671 --> 00:19:49,254 That's actually 770 00:19:45,671 --> 00:19:49,254 something that I do a lot. 771 00:19:49,254 --> 00:19:51,712 But I'm not going 772 00:19:49,254 --> 00:19:51,712 to do that with you. 773 00:19:52,630 --> 00:19:55,087 Ted, I'm in. 774 00:19:56,671 --> 00:19:59,837 This is awkward. 775 00:19:56,671 --> 00:19:59,837 I have a girl here. So... 776 00:20:08,504 --> 00:20:10,129 Come on. 777 00:20:10,129 --> 00:20:13,296 There is something that 778 00:20:10,129 --> 00:20:13,296 I'm ready to do with you. 779 00:20:13,296 --> 00:20:16,337 looking in the mirror 780 00:20:18,546 --> 00:20:20,962 Ted, this is Lucy. 781 00:20:20,962 --> 00:20:23,212 Hi, Lucy. 782 00:20:20,962 --> 00:20:23,212 Lucy, this is Ted. 783 00:20:23,212 --> 00:20:24,920 Stella and I 784 00:20:23,212 --> 00:20:24,920 thought our relationship 785 00:20:24,920 --> 00:20:27,421 was going to take 786 00:20:24,920 --> 00:20:27,421 a big step that weekend. 787 00:20:27,421 --> 00:20:30,379 Turned out it took 788 00:20:27,421 --> 00:20:30,379 an even bigger one. 789 00:20:39,754 --> 00:20:43,003 She's sound asleep. 790 00:20:39,754 --> 00:20:43,003 Oh. She is so great. 791 00:20:43,003 --> 00:20:45,003 I think so. 792 00:20:45,003 --> 00:20:49,588 So, I was thinking, 793 00:20:45,003 --> 00:20:49,588 my sister is in 794 00:20:45,003 --> 00:20:49,588 town until tomorrow. 795 00:20:49,588 --> 00:20:52,878 And there's a motel 796 00:20:49,588 --> 00:20:52,878 just down the turnpike. 797 00:20:52,878 --> 00:20:53,920 Hmm. 798 00:21:00,588 --> 00:21:02,296 Wow, that was amazing! 799 00:21:00,588 --> 00:21:02,296 Oh, yeah. 800 00:21:03,878 --> 00:21:05,504 What are you doing? 801 00:21:03,878 --> 00:21:05,504 I gotta call 802 00:21:03,878 --> 00:21:05,504 Marshall and Lily 803 00:21:05,504 --> 00:21:07,796 and tell them 804 00:21:05,504 --> 00:21:07,796 about this.