Kids,
in the spring of 2008,
something kind of strange
had been happening
to your uncle Barney.
He'd be doing
great with a woman.
So I throw
the pressurized
oxygen tank in his mouth.
I shoot the tank,
boom, no more shark.
Mr. Holland and I
swim back to shore.
Hey, let me
freshen your drink.
He'd only be
gone a few moments,
but when he returned...
So where were we?
he'd get slapped.
It kept happening...
Jerk!
until finally,
Lily was approached
by a mysterious woman
who warned her to
stay away from Barney.
So when it
happened once more...
Again? Really? Wait.
Barney knew
who to look for.
Hey, excuse me.
Did I sleep with you
and then totally
screw you over?
No.
What are you doing on Friday?
No. Stop!
Amy?
Abby.
Right.
Kids, sometimes
you can do something right
a thousand times in a row.
A rainbow!
That's beautiful!
What a beautiful rainbow!
Another rainbow?
It's beautiful!
But then that
thousand-and-first time...
You're kidding me.
Seriously, aren't you
sick of these things?
Uh-oh!
Hey, how was your day?
Today, I yelled
at a little girl
for painting a rainbow.
A rainbow?
Sounds like that
bitch had it coming.
Hey.
So, I just met
with the contractor,
and it turns out
that fixing the floors
of the new apartment
is going to
cost a lot more
than the estimate.
But we can
barely afford
that to begin with.
I hate to say this,
but I think you're going
to have to sell your stuff.
Whoa! Marshall,
that's just a game
we play in the bedroom.
I mean your clothes.
All your designer
pieces and everything.
What? Why just my clothes?
We can
sell my stuff, too,
but I gotta tell you,
I think your
Marc Jacobs cocktail dress
is going to go for a lot more
than my "Split Happens"
bowling shirt.
Dude.
I'm not selling that.
I've already
made the web site.
You made a web site?
Yeah, it's called "Lily and
Marshall sell their stuff
dot com."
No, you know what would be
a better name for the site?
"Guy forces his wife
to dress in a garbage bag
"for the next
three years dot com."
Whoa. That's real.
My word,
that woman is actually
wearing a garbage bag.
But, girlfriend,
you cannot pull
off a tall kitchen.
Why are you
trying to ruin my life?
Well, you slept with me
and then you never
called me again.
And?
That's it.
That's it?
As far as I'm concerned,
if I leave you safe on
dry land
with adequate
transportation home,
you've got nothing
to complain about.
Well, it hurt, okay?
And then Ted,
the love of my life,
started dating my
boss instead of me.
Do you know
how that feels?
Boo-hoo,
poor little Ashley.
Abby!
Abby.
A few weeks ago,
Ted dumped me as his wingman.
You had
a crush on him
for a couple weeks?
I was Ted's best
friend for seven years.
Ted said Marshall
was his best friend.
Seven years!
Sorry.
Ted. What an idiot.
With his stupid "meaningful
relationship" with Stella.
Ted.
I hate Ted.
I hate Ted more.
Are you as turned on
as I am?
Probably not quite as much.
I'm sorry
I yelled out "Ted."
I'm sorry
I yelled out "Abby."
I am Abby.
Oh, cool.
This is insane. Has Lily
even worn half this stuff?
Oh, yeah, like
there's nothing in your
closet you've never worn.
As a matter of fact, no,
there isn't.
Whatever,
red cowboy boots.
Hey, those are nice boots.
I totally pull those off.
Hey, Lil,
if I were to say,
"Ted could never
pull them off,"
what would I
be talking about?
His red cowboy boots.
I totally pull them off!
It's a classic Western look.
Okay, today's category,
classic Westerns
that involve red
cowboy boots.
Robin.
The Good,
the Bad and the Fabulous.
The Magnificent Kevin.
No Country for Straight Men.
I don't want to
sell my clothes!
I know, sweetie. Come here.
Is this 100% silk?
Lily, listen,
we really need the money.
I have some leads on a job,
but until then,
I just...
I don't know
what else we can do.
I'll sell my paintings!
What?
Yeah, I'll sell my paintings.
Good oil paintings
go for, like, $500.
Yeah. Totally.
But...
Kids, sometimes,
you can do something right
a thousand times in a row.
I love it.
It's a masterpiece.
That's it.
We're selling the TV.
I just want to come home
and stare at this all day.
Somebody call the cops!
My wife stole an awesome
painting from the museum!
But then that
thousand-and-first time...
that kind of money
only goes for real
paintings.
Uh-oh.
What does that mean?
Look, it just means
that we need money
right now,
and I'm not sure that
selling your paintings
is how we're gonna get it.
You don't believe in me.
What? No, wait, wait! Of...
Of course I believe in you.
Marshall, I am proud
of my work as an artist.
My paintings are good.
I bet Robin would buy one.
What now?
I love your painting,
I just... I'm trying
to be realistic.
Well, how much
money do we need for the
contractor to finish the job?
About $1,500.
Okay.
So, if I sell three
of my paintings at
500 bucks a pop,
then I get to
keep all my clothes.
We need money fast.
Well, give me a week.
Okay, a week.
Fine.
Pulling them off.
Lily's first move in the
great art challenge of 2008
was to display one of
her favorite paintings
at her friend's gallery.
The night
didn't go so well.
I do my crappy art
and I know what's in your
But then
at the last minute...
I love it.
You do?
Your top.
It's gorgeous.
Is that 100% silk?
It's not for sale!
My clothes are not
for sale!
So the next day, Lily took
her painting to a coffeehouse
that displayed
local artists.
We've been sitting
here for hours, and nobody's
even glanced at my painting.
Come on.
Let's start
talking it up.
Wow!
I really like
that painting!
It's neat!
The colors are neat.
The shapes are neat.
It's really just neat.
What?
Observe.
I think there's
a dynamic quality
to the brushwork that,
combined with
the fluid composition,
creates an almost
Kandinsky-like
emotional resonance.
Yes,
and you can
still enjoy it
even if you're not
a pretentious douche.
Can you clarify something
for me about your critique?
Are the colors "neat" or
are they more neato-burrito?
Mmm-hmm.
Then again,
red cowboy boots.
I pull these off!
You know what I
hate most about Ted?
What?
His stupid hair.
His stupid, lame,
awesome hair.
It's so stupid
and awesome.
You know what I
hate most about Ted?
What?
How he's always like,
"Oh, I want
to fall in love and
have a relationship.
"I care
about the people
I have sex with."
He's so lame.
He's so lame and awesome.
You know what he needs?
He needs to see
just how horrible he is
when he's in a relationship.
Yeah,
and I need to show
Ted that I'm over him.
Are you thinking
what I'm thinking?
I think so.
You're thinking of
having sex with Ted?
After four days
without selling a single
painting,
Lily was getting desperate.
Painting for sale!
$500!
Lifelong dream
hanging in the balance!
It's like
they don't
even see us.
Yeah, we're dirt to them.
What do you need money for?
I'm trying to fix
the hardwood floors
in my new apartment.
You?
Heroin.
Do you like heroin?
Love it.
In fact,
if you sell that,
I'm going to take your money
and go buy some more heroin.
Thanks for your honesty,
crazy sock guy.
I'm never gonna sell this,
am I?
It's not very good.
And just as she was
about to lose all hope,
something amazing happened.
Oh, my God!
Ha! 500 bucks!
Who's a real
painter now,
Marshall?
Honey, I never said
you weren't a real painter.
I know, sweetie.
And since I'm
a professional
artist now,
I'm going to sketch
you an Aldrin original,
you know, to say
thanks for being such
a supportive husband.
I'm thinking
about calling it
Suck It!
Lily, come on.
I'm proud of you.
Who bought it?
Well,
that's the best part.
A gay couple without kids.
A G-
You bagged a G-CWOK?
Yeah, that's right.
They are the heart and soul
of the art-buying community.
You know what you should do?
You should call up the G-CWOKs
and offer them
a free painting
if they
throw a private art party
for all their G-CWOK friends.
That's an amazing idea.
I'm going to go call them.
I can probably sell
two more paintings
with time to spare.
Wait, Marshall. There was
something I had to tell you.
What was it?
Oh, that's right.
Suck it.
Hey, Ted,
fancy bumping
into you here.
Have you guys met
my girlfriend Abby?
Yeah.
Hi, Abby. So...
Hello, Abby.
So you guys are dating now?
That's right.
I am done with this
whole "being awesome" thing.
Now I'm all about farmers'
markets and day hikes in
matching khaki cargo shorts.
Isn't that right, sweetie?
That's right.
Girlfriends are lame.
Unless they're me.
I miss you, Ted.
Abby and I are in love.
Not hot, passionate love.
Couple love.
You know,
movie night
with my girlfriend,
then waiting for
her to go to bed
so I can steal
one pitiful moment
of hollow ecstasy
by the cold, blue light
of my computer monitor.
We're showing Ted
how lame he is.
You don't have
to say it, though.
Okay, Barney, you can stop.
Stop what, Ted?
Stop being in love?
Next he'll ask us
to stop breathing.
We can't stop breathing,
Ted.
Your hair looks amazing.
Good.
Barney,
I see what you're doing.
Please stop.
Not before I share with you
what being in a relationship
leads to, Ted.
Abby,
pookie bear,
I am so pathetically
desperate for you that...
Aw, heck,
I'll just say it.
Will you marry me?
Wait, really?
I would never
joke about true love.
Yes, I'll marry you.
Okay.
Thank you, thank you.
I have to call my mom.
That's you.
Yeah, I don't think
Abby knows you're kidding.
Yes, she does.
It finally happened, Mama.
I just wish
Daddy were alive to
walk me down the aisle.
Totally committed to the bit.
Yes, Lily Aldrin.
I sold you
the painting
earlier today.
Honey, hello.
You sound happy.
Are you kidding? We're
popping the champagne
right now.
Well,
I just wanted to offer
you an exclusive chance
to view some of
my other paintings.
Oh, honey,
oh, sweetie, I guess
I should have told you.
We just bought
that for the frame.
What?
Yeah, it's an original
Anton Kreutzer,
a very rare frame
from the turn of
the century.
So, you didn't
like my painting?
Oh, honey,
oh, sweetie,
no, not at all.
But you know,
good for you.
Okay. Wow!
Well, if you didn't
want the painting,
can I...
Can I at least get it back?
Yeah, no,
we don't have it anymore.
Where is it?
I see.
He threw out my painting.
Champagne for
everyone on me,
the happiest
guy in the world.
Ginger ale. It's a bit.
This is great.
My dream
of becoming
an artist is dead,
and now I'm watching
my wardrobe disappear
piece by piece.
There goes
my favorite dress.
This dress
meant a lot to me.
Really?
Yeah.
It was spring
of 2004, and I had been
having a hard few months.
Da-amn.
I got a two-syllable
"damn" in this dress.
A two-syllable "damn."
That's the dream.
Yeah.
Now she belongs to
canadagirl@metronewsone.com.
It's still in the family.
Lily, you're not
going to believe this.
Something amazing happened.
What?
I went to the G-CWOK's
apartment.
Really? Why?
Because I felt guilty.
This auction was my idea,
and now you've had to
sit around all day
while a bunch of vultures
ruthlessly pick apart the
carcass of your wardrobe.
It's still in the family.
And more importantly,
I honestly love that
painting
and I couldn't
stand to think of it
in a trash can someplace.
Well, what happened?
Well, hello.
Hi. Lawrence, I'm here
about the painting my
wife Lily sold you,
the one in
the nice frame.
Talk about a nice frame.
My, my, you are a big one,
aren't you?
And you're married to
that little bit of
a thing.
How does that work?
I'd like to find out.
Yeah, we get it.
Gay guys like you.
No, Lily, they love me,
but that's not
the important part.
Here's the important part.
Since you're clearly a man
of impeccable taste and style,
I came down here to ask you,
what do you
think of the boots?
Walter!
Boots.
Pulling them off.
I'll be in the cab.
G-CWOK-approved.
The painting.
Right. So,
they told me they threw it
in the building's Dumpster.
It wasn't in there,
but the super told me
that he'd seen one
Dr. Greer,
a veterinarian who
works in the building,
take the painting
out of the trash.
Dr. Greer?
Who's Dr. Greer and why
did he take my painting?
You're about to find out.
Long story short,
I had to make a trash run.
Been a busy day,
lots of neuterings.
We don't need the details.
No, it's not what you think.
Oh, thank God.
Yeah, yeah,
mostly just
dog testicles.
Anyway,
I noticed your painting
just sitting right there
on top,
and I thought,
"Hey, free painting."
So, I brought it upstairs
and hung it up in Exam Room 3,
and then
the strangest
thing happened.
Hey, Muffin.
Whoa, I think he remembers me
from the last time he was
here.
Take Muffin
to Exam Room 3.
I'll meet you there.
I went in,
expecting the worst.
I'd never seen
Muffin that calm,
and then a little later,
the same thing happened
again with Tidbit,
and King Larry,
and again with
the Weinstein triplets.
Something about your art
speaks to the canine
sensibility
on a very primal level.
Really?
Dogs like
my paintings?
Yeah.
But you know
who it bums out?
Birds.
Yeah.
Had a parrot
in there today.
He took one look at it,
pried open his cage,
flew right into
the ceiling fan.
Anyway,
because your first
painting worked so well,
I convinced Dr. Greer
to buy four more.
Really?
At $500 apiece.
That's 2 grand.
That's more than we
need for the contractor.
Yeah, but I was
actually thinking
we could reinvest it.
In what?
In you.
Marshall explained
that he was building a fancy
new web site,
specifically to sell Lily's
artwork to veterinarians.
Well, it's not exactly
the clientele I had
in mind,
but thank you
for believing in me.
Man, birds do not get you.
Hi, sweetie.
Hey, I think I
left my tie here.
Have you seen it?
No. I'm in
wedding-planning mode.
Stressville,
population me.
Okay, big decision.
What do you think
the cake should be,
Fudgie the Whale
or Cookie Puss?
Yeah,
that was a bit.
We were doing a bit.
So, I'm thinking Labor Day.
I was going to
say Fourth of July,
but I didn't want to
steal any attention
away from America.
Abby, I've got some bad news.
I can't marry you.
What?
Ted begged me not to.
I think
he's in love with you.
Really?
Yes.
Our plan
worked better
than we ever dreamed.
You have to go to him.
Here's his home address.
But you know what?
He works late,
so I wouldn't go before
2:00 or 3:00 in the morning.
Oh, my God, thank you.
But now I feel
wrong keeping this.
Oh, yeah,
I wouldn't
worry about that.
That's made of candy.
Later.