1 00:00:02,059 --> 00:00:03,928 Kids, when I first moved to New York, 2 00:00:04,028 --> 00:00:05,886 it was dingy, disgusting, 3 00:00:05,986 --> 00:00:07,412 dirty, ugly, 4 00:00:07,512 --> 00:00:08,854 flea-ridden, stinky 5 00:00:08,954 --> 00:00:11,180 and all together, terrifying. 6 00:00:11,429 --> 00:00:12,193 But then, 7 00:00:12,293 --> 00:00:13,245 sadly... 8 00:00:13,345 --> 00:00:15,230 the whole city started to go... 9 00:00:15,330 --> 00:00:16,178 uphill. 10 00:00:17,112 --> 00:00:18,457 The streets got a little cleaner, 11 00:00:18,557 --> 00:00:19,854 the rents got a little higher, 12 00:00:19,954 --> 00:00:21,139 and one by one, 13 00:00:21,239 --> 00:00:22,697 the crappy old places we loved 14 00:00:23,005 --> 00:00:24,595 began to disappear. 15 00:00:24,695 --> 00:00:27,098 The Elbow Room, an old punk rock club, 16 00:00:27,198 --> 00:00:28,899 became a drugstore; 17 00:00:29,307 --> 00:00:31,746 McHale's, a working-class watering hole, 18 00:00:31,846 --> 00:00:33,770 became a fast-food place; 19 00:00:33,870 --> 00:00:36,772 and Fez, this awesome lounge in 95th in Broadway, 20 00:00:36,872 --> 00:00:38,391 became a bank. 21 00:00:38,491 --> 00:00:39,624 And not just any bank. 22 00:00:39,879 --> 00:00:41,966 Goliath National Bank. 23 00:00:42,066 --> 00:00:44,299 The world leader in credit and banking. 24 00:00:44,445 --> 00:00:47,070 God, I love Goliath National Bank! 25 00:00:47,799 --> 00:00:50,262 Okay, first of all, you look like the last pick in the draft. 26 00:00:50,581 --> 00:00:52,923 And... second, why are you so excited about some bank? 27 00:00:53,097 --> 00:00:55,986 Our company just bought them out in a ruthless takeover. 28 00:00:56,086 --> 00:00:59,824 Took two months. Cost 2,000 jobs. 29 00:01:00,189 --> 00:01:01,602 It was brutal. 30 00:01:02,267 --> 00:01:03,643 Who wants a T-shirt? 31 00:01:04,691 --> 00:01:07,289 Hey, Marshall, they're hiring in the legal department. 32 00:01:07,480 --> 00:01:08,534 I could get you a job. 33 00:01:08,843 --> 00:01:12,125 Barney, Marshall didn't quit his last soul-sucking corporate job 34 00:01:12,197 --> 00:01:13,446 just to go work at a bank. 35 00:01:13,792 --> 00:01:16,007 He's gonna be an environmental lawyer. 36 00:01:16,363 --> 00:01:17,860 That was the plan, anyway. 37 00:01:18,079 --> 00:01:20,668 Over the next few weeks, Marshall went on a lot of interviews. 38 00:01:20,895 --> 00:01:22,125 You are confident, 39 00:01:22,295 --> 00:01:24,006 you are energetic, 40 00:01:24,106 --> 00:01:25,681 you are focused! 41 00:01:25,781 --> 00:01:27,246 A lot of interviews. 42 00:01:27,474 --> 00:01:29,370 You are flexible on salary, 43 00:01:29,780 --> 00:01:31,587 you're willing to compromise, 44 00:01:31,913 --> 00:01:33,954 you're not gonna cry this time. 45 00:01:34,656 --> 00:01:35,952 Too many interviews. 46 00:01:36,093 --> 00:01:37,362 You are sad, 47 00:01:38,010 --> 00:01:39,616 you are beaten down, 48 00:01:39,785 --> 00:01:41,353 you will get through this, 49 00:01:41,453 --> 00:01:42,674 come home, 50 00:01:42,774 --> 00:01:44,545 get in your big underpants 51 00:01:44,645 --> 00:01:46,110 and take a nap. 52 00:01:47,207 --> 00:01:49,588 Which brings us to September 29, 53 00:01:49,688 --> 00:01:51,436 the night of the burger. 54 00:01:51,536 --> 00:01:53,386 So... what do you guys want to do for dinner? 55 00:01:54,165 --> 00:01:55,095 We just got a new cook. 56 00:01:55,170 --> 00:01:57,076 You have to try the burger... it's amazing. 57 00:01:57,207 --> 00:01:58,787 Oh, great... we'll take five of those. 58 00:01:58,927 --> 00:01:59,688 Five burgers. 59 00:01:59,838 --> 00:02:01,885 Whoa... really? You... want to eat here? 60 00:02:02,017 --> 00:02:04,899 Yeah, I'm freaking starving. I just finished a seven-day cleanse. 61 00:02:05,086 --> 00:02:06,373 I thought you just started that yesterday. 62 00:02:06,467 --> 00:02:07,913 I finished early, okay? 63 00:02:08,651 --> 00:02:10,182 - Five of those. - Five burgers. 64 00:02:10,304 --> 00:02:12,022 Whoa... wait. What about sushi? 65 00:02:12,370 --> 00:02:14,087 - We had sushi last night. - Italian. 66 00:02:14,172 --> 00:02:15,158 I had Italian for lunch. 67 00:02:15,243 --> 00:02:17,187 - I can come back. - No. We always do this. 68 00:02:17,299 --> 00:02:19,187 We spend an hour arguing about where to eat, 69 00:02:19,252 --> 00:02:20,835 and then we end up eating here anyway. 70 00:02:20,910 --> 00:02:22,590 I haven't eaten for two days. 71 00:02:22,684 --> 00:02:26,572 Can we please, for the love of God, just order something now? 72 00:02:28,957 --> 00:02:29,708 Chinese? 73 00:02:30,497 --> 00:02:31,486 I don't like Chinese. 74 00:02:31,658 --> 00:02:32,358 Indian? 75 00:02:32,458 --> 00:02:34,331 I just said I don't like Chinese. 76 00:02:34,547 --> 00:02:35,636 Indian isn't Chinese. 77 00:02:35,946 --> 00:02:37,815 Weird meats, funny music, side of rice. 78 00:02:37,899 --> 00:02:39,204 Why are we splitting hairs? 79 00:02:40,228 --> 00:02:40,970 Mexican? 80 00:02:41,345 --> 00:02:43,106 I just said I don't like Chinese. 81 00:02:43,206 --> 00:02:44,541 Oh, God. 82 00:02:45,159 --> 00:02:47,659 Sync by vNaru 83 00:02:49,000 --> 00:02:55,074 Someone needs to stop Clearway Law. Public shouldn't leave reviews for lawyers. 84 00:02:58,701 --> 00:03:00,407 Robin, yours will be right out. 85 00:03:01,675 --> 00:03:03,449 Of course, mine comes last. 86 00:03:06,294 --> 00:03:07,656 Go ahead, start without me. 87 00:03:07,825 --> 00:03:10,482 - Sweet! - That's so kind of you. 88 00:03:15,252 --> 00:03:16,068 Oh, my God. 89 00:03:16,435 --> 00:03:18,191 This burger is so good. 90 00:03:18,575 --> 00:03:21,927 It's like Christmas in my mouth... meat Christmas. 91 00:03:22,876 --> 00:03:24,575 It's like an angel from heaven 92 00:03:24,927 --> 00:03:26,838 landed in the kitchen at MacLaren's. 93 00:03:27,406 --> 00:03:30,103 Where the chef killed it and ran it through the meat grinder. 94 00:03:30,844 --> 00:03:32,801 I love this burger so much, 95 00:03:32,901 --> 00:03:34,930 I want to sew my ass shut. 96 00:03:37,117 --> 00:03:37,897 It's okay. 97 00:03:37,997 --> 00:03:40,370 - Are you kidding me? - Guys, guys, guys. 98 00:03:40,558 --> 00:03:42,755 When you've had the best burger in New York City, 99 00:03:42,896 --> 00:03:45,638 every other burger tastes like my grandpa's feet. 100 00:03:45,844 --> 00:03:48,838 But you guys eat up, enjoy, my grandpa's feet. 101 00:03:49,223 --> 00:03:51,565 And you've had the best burger in New York. 102 00:03:52,870 --> 00:03:54,536 It was eight years ago, 103 00:03:54,636 --> 00:03:56,451 my first week in New York, 104 00:03:56,551 --> 00:03:58,114 and for a kid from Minnesota, 105 00:03:58,330 --> 00:04:00,837 the big city was a scary place. 106 00:04:06,100 --> 00:04:07,227 Thank God it's just you. 107 00:04:07,415 --> 00:04:09,237 You are being ridiculous. 108 00:04:09,546 --> 00:04:11,809 - Tell me you left the apartment today. - Why would I have to leave? 109 00:04:11,909 --> 00:04:15,011 I can have anything I want delivered, and New York City cable is awesome. 110 00:04:15,208 --> 00:04:17,792 Have you seen this public access show with the old Jewish lady in a bikini? 111 00:04:18,231 --> 00:04:19,308 It's, it's disgusting. 112 00:04:19,425 --> 00:04:21,660 Marshall, you have to get over this paranoia. 113 00:04:21,829 --> 00:04:23,069 You are not gonna get mugged. 114 00:04:23,322 --> 00:04:25,681 Well, what if I do, Ted, all right? I don't have a switchblade. 115 00:04:25,781 --> 00:04:27,436 I don't, I don't know how to, how to break-dance 116 00:04:27,502 --> 00:04:29,361 and win the begrudging respect of a street gang. 117 00:04:29,488 --> 00:04:31,582 That's it, you're taking a walk. Come on, go. 118 00:04:31,779 --> 00:04:33,620 No. Look, the old lady in a bikini is back on. 119 00:04:33,720 --> 00:04:35,398 I'm just gonna lie back and get comfortable. 120 00:04:35,501 --> 00:04:37,426 Go! Go outside, go, go. 121 00:04:37,535 --> 00:04:38,466 Okay. 122 00:04:42,447 --> 00:04:44,897 - Leave the bat. - Fine. 123 00:04:45,922 --> 00:04:48,365 So I went for a walk in the big, scary city. 124 00:04:48,788 --> 00:04:50,163 And I discovered something amazing, 125 00:04:50,762 --> 00:04:52,094 it wasn't scary at all. 126 00:04:52,299 --> 00:04:53,210 All right. 127 00:04:54,168 --> 00:04:55,407 What's the word? 128 00:04:56,375 --> 00:04:58,232 Your search is over! 129 00:04:58,420 --> 00:05:01,299 And then, right when I started to get a little hungry, 130 00:05:01,507 --> 00:05:03,853 I turned a corner... 131 00:05:05,462 --> 00:05:06,702 and there it was. 132 00:05:07,105 --> 00:05:09,725 The tiniest little burger joint you ever saw, 133 00:05:09,969 --> 00:05:12,598 tucked between a taxidermist and a triple-X bookstore. 134 00:05:12,946 --> 00:05:16,147 Name two places where things get stuffed. 135 00:05:17,171 --> 00:05:19,346 So, I went inside. 136 00:05:20,078 --> 00:05:22,454 And I ordered... the burger. 137 00:05:23,468 --> 00:05:24,435 Thank you. 138 00:06:06,740 --> 00:06:08,749 Ted. Ted, you got to wake up. Ted, wake... 139 00:06:11,258 --> 00:06:13,625 Oh, my God. I'm so sorry. Are you okay? 140 00:06:13,728 --> 00:06:14,517 I'm all right. 141 00:06:16,225 --> 00:06:19,631 Ted. Ted, I've just had the most amazing burger of my life! 142 00:06:19,701 --> 00:06:22,171 It's this awesome little place, Regis Philbin eats there, 143 00:06:22,236 --> 00:06:23,737 so it's sort of like a celebrity hot spot. 144 00:06:23,823 --> 00:06:26,255 But the burger, Ted. The burger. 145 00:06:26,405 --> 00:06:28,672 Dude. I want one of those burgers right now! 146 00:06:28,907 --> 00:06:30,061 Do you think they're still open? 147 00:06:30,306 --> 00:06:33,470 I don't know. Does stuff in New York stay open past... 9:30? 148 00:06:34,484 --> 00:06:36,174 So we went out to get another burger. 149 00:06:36,456 --> 00:06:37,969 But after hours of searching... 150 00:06:38,228 --> 00:06:40,303 Damn it! Where is this place? 151 00:06:40,829 --> 00:06:41,627 You couldn't find it? 152 00:06:41,758 --> 00:06:42,847 We didn't know our way around. 153 00:06:42,932 --> 00:06:44,265 Just getting back to the apartment took us 154 00:06:44,331 --> 00:06:46,509 three hours and one very helpful drag queen. 155 00:06:46,622 --> 00:06:48,434 Wait, Betty Noir was a drag queen? 156 00:06:50,086 --> 00:06:51,420 Well, where do you think it was? 157 00:06:51,617 --> 00:06:53,119 Probably tucked between her legs. 158 00:06:55,232 --> 00:06:56,246 You know what's not a drag? 159 00:06:56,556 --> 00:06:58,699 Getting a home equity loan at Goliath National Bank. 160 00:06:58,952 --> 00:06:59,750 I'm just saying. 161 00:07:00,070 --> 00:07:02,746 Anyways... we never found the place. 162 00:07:02,952 --> 00:07:05,065 Now, eight years have passed, still... 163 00:07:06,417 --> 00:07:07,411 no burger. 164 00:07:09,749 --> 00:07:11,035 I couldn't help but overhear. 165 00:07:11,392 --> 00:07:12,951 Okay, here we go. 166 00:07:13,270 --> 00:07:14,425 I know the place you're talking about. 167 00:07:14,510 --> 00:07:15,618 No, you don't. 168 00:07:15,834 --> 00:07:17,862 It's a place called the Corner Bistro. 169 00:07:18,050 --> 00:07:19,453 Great burger. 170 00:07:19,669 --> 00:07:22,721 Oh, the Corner Bistro! 171 00:07:23,462 --> 00:07:25,228 It's amazing, I spent a quarter of my life 172 00:07:25,331 --> 00:07:27,080 searching for the best burger in New York City, 173 00:07:27,258 --> 00:07:29,850 but silly me, it never occurred to me 174 00:07:29,934 --> 00:07:32,601 to check the highest-rated burger in the Zagat guide. 175 00:07:32,695 --> 00:07:34,310 Wow, thanks a lot, guy. 176 00:07:34,488 --> 00:07:35,540 Let me return the favor. 177 00:07:36,319 --> 00:07:37,751 Great cup of coffee, 178 00:07:38,961 --> 00:07:39,940 Starbucks. 179 00:07:43,968 --> 00:07:46,385 So I take it you've tried the Corner Bistro. 180 00:07:47,968 --> 00:07:50,118 I've tried every so-called best burger 181 00:07:50,212 --> 00:07:52,372 in New York City trying to find that burger. 182 00:07:54,043 --> 00:07:55,517 Or at least forget about her. 183 00:08:12,983 --> 00:08:14,016 We're going. 184 00:08:15,574 --> 00:08:17,574 But none of those places even came close. 185 00:08:17,809 --> 00:08:20,177 Hey, there was that one time we thought we had a break in the case, remember? 186 00:08:21,129 --> 00:08:21,911 Get this. 187 00:08:21,989 --> 00:08:23,107 You know who works out at my gym? 188 00:08:23,482 --> 00:08:24,553 Regis Philbin. 189 00:08:25,407 --> 00:08:26,600 The autographed picture. 190 00:08:27,548 --> 00:08:28,920 Of course I remember the place. 191 00:08:29,230 --> 00:08:31,080 It was the best burger I ever had. 192 00:08:31,521 --> 00:08:33,709 I still have dreams about this burger. 193 00:08:34,009 --> 00:08:35,990 Beautiful, haunting dreams! 194 00:08:36,441 --> 00:08:40,734 I wake up at night screaming, "Get out of my head, burger! Get out!" 195 00:08:40,823 --> 00:08:42,176 That's the one, Mr. Philbin. 196 00:08:42,326 --> 00:08:43,237 Do you remember where it is? 197 00:08:43,396 --> 00:08:45,115 No! I never wrote it down. 198 00:08:45,490 --> 00:08:49,013 But not a day goes by that I don't regret it. 199 00:08:49,586 --> 00:08:51,210 Why? Why? Do you know where it is? 200 00:08:51,470 --> 00:08:53,517 And if you tell me it's at the Corner Bistro, 201 00:08:53,620 --> 00:08:55,047 I'm gonna smack you right in the face! 202 00:08:55,160 --> 00:08:56,437 We don't, we don't know where it is. 203 00:08:56,521 --> 00:08:58,850 Listen, Blondie! Don't mess with me! 204 00:08:59,376 --> 00:09:01,021 Daddy needs his meat. 205 00:09:01,078 --> 00:09:03,359 I don't know where it is, Regis, I swear! 206 00:09:04,590 --> 00:09:05,867 What about you, Lurch? 207 00:09:06,721 --> 00:09:08,336 And what about you, satchel-mouth? 208 00:09:10,311 --> 00:09:11,429 This is my cell. 209 00:09:11,739 --> 00:09:14,452 You find that burger, you call me day or night. 210 00:09:14,556 --> 00:09:16,255 Okay, Regis, we will, we will. 211 00:09:16,556 --> 00:09:18,311 All right, so what are you waiting for? Get out and find the burger! 212 00:09:18,368 --> 00:09:19,861 - All right, all right. - Let's go, all of you! 213 00:09:22,256 --> 00:09:23,881 That's where my story ends. 214 00:09:24,285 --> 00:09:27,918 Now I'm doomed to walk the earth forever searching for that green door 215 00:09:28,454 --> 00:09:30,848 and that red neon sign that says "Burger." 216 00:09:31,317 --> 00:09:33,748 Green door, red neon sign that says "Burger?" 217 00:09:33,917 --> 00:09:34,987 - Yeah. - I know that place. 218 00:09:35,043 --> 00:09:38,104 I've walked by it a million times. It's on West 12th, right off of 7th. 219 00:09:39,128 --> 00:09:41,344 I knew it was on a numbered street! 220 00:09:42,058 --> 00:09:43,874 - Finally. - No! Robin! 221 00:09:44,015 --> 00:09:45,865 If any of us is gonna eat a burger tonight, 222 00:09:45,949 --> 00:09:47,912 it's gonna be the best burger in New York. 223 00:09:48,222 --> 00:09:49,752 We're going downtown! 224 00:09:56,806 --> 00:09:59,284 I cannot believe we're finally gonna have this burger. 225 00:09:59,453 --> 00:10:01,350 Honey, I'm so excited for you. 226 00:10:01,585 --> 00:10:02,962 After all these interviews, 227 00:10:03,067 --> 00:10:04,675 after all these disappointments, 228 00:10:04,881 --> 00:10:07,256 you deserve a triumphant mouth full of meat. 229 00:10:07,782 --> 00:10:09,322 You know what else is a mouthful? 230 00:10:10,101 --> 00:10:11,791 All that double-talk other banks give you. 231 00:10:11,988 --> 00:10:15,228 At Goliath, customer satisfaction is our most important investment. 232 00:10:15,753 --> 00:10:19,368 Barney, I hate to break this to you, but working for a bank's kind of lame. 233 00:10:19,490 --> 00:10:20,241 Oh, yeah. 234 00:10:20,579 --> 00:10:23,152 How lame is free automatic bill pay, Lil? 235 00:10:23,349 --> 00:10:26,232 How lame is 3. 3% APY online savings? 236 00:10:26,466 --> 00:10:27,984 Yeah! That's right. 237 00:10:28,313 --> 00:10:29,421 Hate to make you look stupid 238 00:10:29,496 --> 00:10:31,740 in front of your friends, but you left me no choice. 239 00:10:33,862 --> 00:10:35,036 We should probably call Regis. 240 00:10:35,299 --> 00:10:38,203 Reg... Oh, that guy scares me. 241 00:10:38,401 --> 00:10:39,659 I think I'll leave him a text. 242 00:10:40,006 --> 00:10:42,241 Now, Kathy, your last flip was heads. 243 00:10:42,570 --> 00:10:43,912 The one before that was tails. 244 00:10:44,100 --> 00:10:45,151 You polled the audience, 245 00:10:45,551 --> 00:10:47,322 they came out split, 50/50. 246 00:10:47,471 --> 00:10:48,622 No help at all there. 247 00:10:49,157 --> 00:10:53,617 So, for $258,000... 248 00:10:53,955 --> 00:10:55,467 I have to ask you, Kathy, 249 00:10:55,597 --> 00:10:56,930 what's it gonna be, 250 00:10:57,088 --> 00:10:59,688 heads... or... 251 00:11:01,043 --> 00:11:01,982 Excuse me. 252 00:11:02,860 --> 00:11:06,418 Oh, boy. I-I've got to go. I've got to go! 253 00:11:08,510 --> 00:11:12,341 Green door, red neon sign. Guys, this is the place. 254 00:11:13,007 --> 00:11:15,073 No, I've actually, I've actually... I prepared a few words. 255 00:11:15,167 --> 00:11:16,256 I will eat your hand. 256 00:11:16,331 --> 00:11:18,464 All right, well, let's just go inside then. Shall we? 257 00:11:19,272 --> 00:11:20,481 - Thank you. - You're welcome. 258 00:11:20,605 --> 00:11:21,685 Yours will be right out. 259 00:11:25,093 --> 00:11:26,470 Please, go ahead, start. 260 00:11:27,604 --> 00:11:29,304 - Just shut up and eat. - All right. 261 00:11:33,247 --> 00:11:33,980 Oh, my God. 262 00:11:34,581 --> 00:11:36,123 I'm never brushing my teeth again 263 00:11:36,724 --> 00:11:38,780 unless it's with a toothbrush made from this burger. 264 00:11:40,095 --> 00:11:42,921 I think I just had my first burg-asm. 265 00:11:43,973 --> 00:11:45,023 I want... 266 00:11:45,709 --> 00:11:47,699 to take this burger out to dinner, 267 00:11:48,234 --> 00:11:49,662 then maybe a movie, 268 00:11:50,291 --> 00:11:51,906 then take it back to my place, 269 00:11:52,103 --> 00:11:55,598 put on a little Terence Trent D'arby, and then I would just... 270 00:11:56,311 --> 00:11:57,532 fool around a little bit. 271 00:11:57,898 --> 00:12:00,002 Nothing serious... just take it slow, you know? 272 00:12:01,297 --> 00:12:02,764 - This isn't it. - What? 273 00:12:03,130 --> 00:12:04,332 It's not it. 274 00:12:04,548 --> 00:12:06,830 Okay, Marshall, you might not want to hear this, but... 275 00:12:07,159 --> 00:12:10,043 is it at all possible this is the same burger you had eight years ago, 276 00:12:10,120 --> 00:12:12,681 only it could never live up to your ridiculously high expectations? 277 00:12:12,768 --> 00:12:14,185 I mean, it is just a burger. 278 00:12:14,260 --> 00:12:15,222 Just a burger? 279 00:12:16,668 --> 00:12:17,888 Just a burger? 280 00:12:18,808 --> 00:12:22,470 Robin, it's so much more than just a burger. 281 00:12:23,071 --> 00:12:26,096 I, I mean, that first bite... 282 00:12:26,669 --> 00:12:29,279 Oh, what heaven that first bite is. 283 00:12:29,655 --> 00:12:32,466 The bun, like a sesame freckled, 284 00:12:32,566 --> 00:12:35,056 breast of an angel, resting gently on 285 00:12:35,156 --> 00:12:36,503 the ketchup and mustard below. 286 00:12:36,603 --> 00:12:39,798 Flavors mingling in a seductive pas de deux. 287 00:12:40,549 --> 00:12:41,376 And then... 288 00:12:43,424 --> 00:12:44,203 a pickle... 289 00:12:44,870 --> 00:12:48,352 the most playful little pickle, 290 00:12:48,652 --> 00:12:49,923 and then a slice of tomato, 291 00:12:50,185 --> 00:12:52,375 a leaf of lettuce, and a, 292 00:12:52,675 --> 00:12:55,601 a patty of ground beef so... 293 00:12:56,350 --> 00:12:57,637 exquisite... 294 00:12:58,224 --> 00:12:59,794 swirling in your mouth, 295 00:12:59,860 --> 00:13:01,839 breaking apart and combining again 296 00:13:01,874 --> 00:13:04,790 in a fugue of sweets and savories so... 297 00:13:06,104 --> 00:13:06,893 delightful. 298 00:13:07,870 --> 00:13:10,706 This is no mere sandwich of grilled meat 299 00:13:10,741 --> 00:13:12,168 and toasted bread, Robin. 300 00:13:12,252 --> 00:13:14,388 This is God... 301 00:13:14,423 --> 00:13:17,412 speaking to us through food. 302 00:13:19,097 --> 00:13:21,916 And you got our wedding vows off the Internet. 303 00:13:23,147 --> 00:13:26,658 Okay... look, so, so this, this isn't the place. 304 00:13:26,846 --> 00:13:27,942 All right, it's no big deal. 305 00:13:28,189 --> 00:13:29,988 It's another place with a green door 306 00:13:30,088 --> 00:13:32,127 and a red neon sign that says "Burger." 307 00:13:32,379 --> 00:13:34,774 I'll just... I'll call every restaurant in Manhattan 308 00:13:34,849 --> 00:13:37,394 and ask 'em what color their door is. 309 00:13:37,854 --> 00:13:40,212 No big deal, right? Let's do this. 310 00:13:44,969 --> 00:13:48,462 I'm going to go out on a limb here and say this isn't just about a burger. 311 00:13:48,715 --> 00:13:50,659 Marshall's not doing so well, guys. 312 00:13:50,781 --> 00:13:52,632 He really needs to get a job. 313 00:13:52,773 --> 00:13:54,181 Tell them about the underpants. 314 00:13:54,313 --> 00:13:55,806 What about the underpants? 315 00:13:57,430 --> 00:13:59,327 It started a couple of weeks ago. 316 00:14:00,275 --> 00:14:02,632 Heads! It's going to be heads. 317 00:14:02,817 --> 00:14:04,554 It's almost usually heads. 318 00:14:05,596 --> 00:14:07,268 - Hey, baby. - Hey... 319 00:14:08,611 --> 00:14:10,272 Did you put on pants today? 320 00:14:10,695 --> 00:14:11,449 Nope. 321 00:14:13,437 --> 00:14:17,133 It was funny at first, but then it became a daily thing. 322 00:14:17,349 --> 00:14:20,523 I thought, "Okay, well, at least he's not leaving the house like that." 323 00:14:21,339 --> 00:14:24,287 Then, one day, he opened the door to get the paper. 324 00:14:25,263 --> 00:14:28,540 Day after that, went downstairs to get the mail. 325 00:14:29,442 --> 00:14:31,404 Everyone's got an underpants radius. 326 00:14:32,099 --> 00:14:34,947 For most of us, it's the distance from the bedroom to the bathroom, 327 00:14:35,633 --> 00:14:37,867 but as your self esteem gets smaller, 328 00:14:38,402 --> 00:14:40,731 your underpants radius gets bigger. 329 00:14:40,928 --> 00:14:43,690 How big is Marshall's underpants radius? 330 00:14:45,033 --> 00:14:46,113 We're going. 331 00:14:52,391 --> 00:14:54,607 Come on, Lily, he'll find a job eventually. 332 00:14:55,114 --> 00:14:56,738 You know, Lil, when times are tough, 333 00:14:57,292 --> 00:15:00,350 I like to remember the uplifting words of my favorite song. 334 00:15:00,450 --> 00:15:04,081 We'll be on your side when you need a friend 335 00:15:04,341 --> 00:15:08,516 Through thick and thin you can always depend 336 00:15:08,616 --> 00:15:13,842 On the world leaders In credit and banking... 337 00:15:13,942 --> 00:15:17,562 Goliath National Bank. 338 00:15:17,994 --> 00:15:19,019 Member FDIC: 339 00:15:20,428 --> 00:15:22,259 We've got to find Marshall that burger. 340 00:15:22,475 --> 00:15:24,193 Lily, I think we're all eating that burger. 341 00:15:24,315 --> 00:15:25,386 I'm not eating that burger. 342 00:15:25,836 --> 00:15:28,907 No, if Marshall says this isn't the burger, this isn't the burger. 343 00:15:29,032 --> 00:15:29,732 Finally. 344 00:15:29,842 --> 00:15:30,731 - Excuse me. - Yes. 345 00:15:30,898 --> 00:15:33,076 Did you guys change cooks or something? 346 00:15:33,198 --> 00:15:35,115 Because my husband was here five years ago, 347 00:15:35,179 --> 00:15:37,050 and he's pretty sure he had a different burger. 348 00:15:37,311 --> 00:15:38,272 Yeah, we get this a lot. 349 00:15:38,344 --> 00:15:40,750 This place is modeled after this other place uptown 350 00:15:40,844 --> 00:15:42,290 with the same green door and "Burger" sign. 351 00:15:42,365 --> 00:15:43,698 What? Uptown? Where? 352 00:15:44,017 --> 00:15:45,980 106th and Manhattan Avenue. 353 00:15:51,065 --> 00:15:51,900 Damn it. 354 00:15:52,821 --> 00:15:55,929 106 a numbered street. Of course. 355 00:15:57,945 --> 00:15:58,683 Barney Stinson. 356 00:15:58,783 --> 00:16:00,926 Barney, where the hell are you? 357 00:16:01,226 --> 00:16:03,151 I'm sorry, this is... 358 00:16:03,245 --> 00:16:04,804 Regis. I'm at the place. 359 00:16:05,198 --> 00:16:06,782 Oh, Regis, of course. 360 00:16:06,860 --> 00:16:09,226 I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I forgot to call you. 361 00:16:09,376 --> 00:16:10,076 That's not the place. 362 00:16:10,176 --> 00:16:12,212 The real place is on 106th and Manhattan Avenue. 363 00:16:12,286 --> 00:16:13,232 We're headed there right now. 364 00:16:13,428 --> 00:16:15,240 What? Uptown? 365 00:16:19,494 --> 00:16:21,733 Fine, fine, I'll be there in 20. 366 00:16:21,921 --> 00:16:24,738 If you get there first, medium rare. 367 00:16:24,973 --> 00:16:26,381 - Onions? - Onions? 368 00:16:26,588 --> 00:16:29,132 - Okay, no onions. - Stop the cab! 369 00:16:33,873 --> 00:16:36,295 Wait. This is it. 370 00:16:36,831 --> 00:16:38,399 Your search is over. 371 00:16:38,615 --> 00:16:42,222 - We got girls taking off their clothes. - This is it. 372 00:16:52,415 --> 00:16:55,008 One of 9,000 convenient locations. 373 00:16:59,777 --> 00:17:01,298 It was ri... it was right here. 374 00:17:01,542 --> 00:17:04,229 It was, it was right on this very spot. 375 00:17:04,549 --> 00:17:06,746 I don't understand. Where is the burger place? 376 00:17:06,990 --> 00:17:08,305 It's not a burger place anymore, it's a... 377 00:17:08,340 --> 00:17:09,686 Goliath National Bank ATM. 378 00:17:09,779 --> 00:17:11,774 Well, that's fine. Let's just eat here. 379 00:17:12,456 --> 00:17:14,428 We can't eat here. It's an ATM. 380 00:17:14,869 --> 00:17:16,353 But, food. 381 00:17:17,968 --> 00:17:18,888 Hey, what the...? 382 00:17:18,991 --> 00:17:21,479 This is your fault, you and your stupid bank. 383 00:17:21,677 --> 00:17:23,388 - You did this. - It's not my... stop, okay. 384 00:17:24,233 --> 00:17:25,322 Stop that, Lily. 385 00:17:25,435 --> 00:17:28,637 I will never use a Goliath ATM ever again. 386 00:17:28,824 --> 00:17:31,078 Goliath National Bank sucks. 387 00:17:31,162 --> 00:17:33,767 It's the worst bank on the face of the earth. 388 00:17:33,842 --> 00:17:37,992 Attention, New Yorkers, this bank sucks! They suck! 389 00:17:38,668 --> 00:17:40,997 - Marshall, will you just tell her already? - They suck, suck, suck! 390 00:17:41,804 --> 00:17:42,623 Tell me what? 391 00:17:44,829 --> 00:17:45,740 Tell me what? 392 00:17:46,576 --> 00:17:47,571 I got a job. 393 00:17:48,181 --> 00:17:49,402 What? Where? 394 00:17:50,510 --> 00:17:51,881 Goliath National Bank. 395 00:17:52,641 --> 00:17:55,186 That's why Barney's been going on and on about how, how great Goliath is. 396 00:17:55,271 --> 00:17:56,641 He wanted you to be excited for me since 397 00:17:56,773 --> 00:17:58,529 we're going to be working there together. 398 00:17:58,764 --> 00:18:00,660 Well, technically not together. 399 00:18:00,782 --> 00:18:02,792 You won't have access to my floor. 400 00:18:04,545 --> 00:18:06,761 But you want to be an environmental lawyer. 401 00:18:06,865 --> 00:18:09,099 Yeah, you know, and I also want to be a Harlem Globetrotter 402 00:18:09,137 --> 00:18:10,498 and get paid in candy, but... 403 00:18:11,043 --> 00:18:15,399 in the meantime, I need a job, and this is, this is a really good one. 404 00:18:15,653 --> 00:18:18,528 It's great pay and there's good benefits, 405 00:18:18,563 --> 00:18:20,575 and to be honest, 406 00:18:21,230 --> 00:18:23,230 it gives me a reason to put on pants in the morning. 407 00:18:23,953 --> 00:18:26,437 You know, I have my whole life to save the planet, but right now, 408 00:18:26,559 --> 00:18:28,916 I'm kind of really excited to wear pants again. 409 00:18:29,723 --> 00:18:31,160 You've got great pants. 410 00:18:32,380 --> 00:18:34,371 - I love you. - I love you. 411 00:18:35,460 --> 00:18:36,501 Robin, no. 412 00:18:36,708 --> 00:18:37,983 - They're unopened. - Give it. 413 00:18:38,125 --> 00:18:39,684 - They're barbecue. - Give it! 414 00:18:40,417 --> 00:18:42,426 I'm sorry you didn't get your burger. 415 00:18:43,140 --> 00:18:43,956 It's stupid. 416 00:18:44,022 --> 00:18:46,492 I think about that first week in New York. You know? 417 00:18:46,722 --> 00:18:48,262 I was 22 years old. 418 00:18:48,684 --> 00:18:50,684 I had my whole future ahead of me. 419 00:18:51,144 --> 00:18:54,264 I guess I just kind of thought that if I could have that burger one more time 420 00:18:55,504 --> 00:18:57,335 and feel that way for one more night, 421 00:18:57,673 --> 00:18:59,335 that I might be able to check that off the list, 422 00:18:59,421 --> 00:19:00,623 and grow up, 423 00:19:01,656 --> 00:19:03,733 go work for the stupid bank, and just... 424 00:19:03,868 --> 00:19:04,705 be happy. 425 00:19:05,618 --> 00:19:07,120 You know, that burger place isn't gone. 426 00:19:07,402 --> 00:19:09,073 It just moved to a new location. 427 00:19:09,900 --> 00:19:12,388 And I can tell you where that is for a hundred bucks. 428 00:19:12,576 --> 00:19:14,858 A hundred bucks? That's crazy. 429 00:19:16,764 --> 00:19:17,646 Let's pay the man. 430 00:19:17,844 --> 00:19:19,581 - I paid for the cab. - I don't have any cash. 431 00:19:19,656 --> 00:19:20,801 I haven't worked since March. 432 00:19:20,867 --> 00:19:23,926 Wow, if only there were an easy, 433 00:19:24,019 --> 00:19:27,381 convenient way to get some cash right now. 434 00:19:36,528 --> 00:19:37,842 Member FDIC: 435 00:19:39,409 --> 00:19:42,219 So we paid the guy, and 20 minutes later... 436 00:19:43,778 --> 00:19:45,299 All right, Marshall, remember. 437 00:19:45,534 --> 00:19:46,755 It might not taste as good. 438 00:19:46,924 --> 00:19:49,609 This place has changed, you've changed, New York has changed. 439 00:19:49,816 --> 00:19:52,722 Just... don't get your hopes up too high, okay? 440 00:20:03,152 --> 00:20:04,955 - This is it. - Yes! 441 00:20:05,706 --> 00:20:06,917 It's exactly the same. 442 00:20:07,462 --> 00:20:09,255 It's the best burger in New York. 443 00:20:09,734 --> 00:20:11,321 Go ahead, eat up, eat up. 444 00:20:11,659 --> 00:20:14,039 And so, after finally tasting again 445 00:20:14,139 --> 00:20:16,505 the burger he'd craved for so many years, 446 00:20:16,682 --> 00:20:18,166 Marshall got up the next morning, 447 00:20:18,400 --> 00:20:20,880 put on some pants, and went to work, 448 00:20:21,590 --> 00:20:23,457 and he never looked back. 449 00:20:27,222 --> 00:20:30,001 I want to get tiny fitted sheets for this burger, 450 00:20:30,101 --> 00:20:34,864 and just crawl into this bun, get all cozy, and die there. 451 00:20:34,976 --> 00:20:39,258 Oh, my God. I just want you inside of me. 452 00:20:40,272 --> 00:20:42,000 This feels so good. 453 00:20:42,704 --> 00:20:44,854 I'm worried I'm gonna get this burger pregnant. 454 00:20:45,624 --> 00:20:47,305 If he does get that burger pregnant, 455 00:20:47,877 --> 00:20:50,375 I have dibs on the delicious burger babies. 456 00:20:52,722 --> 00:20:54,367 - This isn't it. - What? 457 00:20:54,433 --> 00:20:56,217 No, Regis Philbin. Come on. 458 00:20:56,358 --> 00:20:59,193 That's outrageous. That is unbelievable. 459 00:21:00,517 --> 00:21:03,509 Wait. This is it, yes! 460 00:21:04,410 --> 00:21:07,002 You were just freakin' teasing us, Philbin.