1 00:00:02,394 --> 00:00:05,192 Kids, in the fall of 2008, I had a little problem. 2 00:00:05,297 --> 00:00:07,265 All right, I gotta get to Stella's. 3 00:00:08,734 --> 00:00:11,328 Tonight's the night, guys. I've tried it before. I've failed every time. 4 00:00:11,436 --> 00:00:16,464 This time, I am gonna do it. Tonight I pick up a lesbian. 5 00:00:19,077 --> 00:00:22,980 - Robin, I need your lipstick. - Oh, man! 6 00:00:24,083 --> 00:00:26,313 - Take pictures, all right? - Bye, Ted. 7 00:00:28,554 --> 00:00:29,919 I lived in New York, 8 00:00:31,024 --> 00:00:34,482 but Stella lived across the river in New Jersey. 9 00:00:36,362 --> 00:00:37,727 Oh, man. 10 00:00:39,799 --> 00:00:41,926 Which meant I was always taking the train. 11 00:00:42,035 --> 00:00:44,367 - What's up, Ted? - Hey, Matisse. 12 00:00:45,805 --> 00:00:47,636 - Hey, T-Diddy! - Theodore! 13 00:00:47,740 --> 00:00:50,038 - You missed it. - Robin got that national anchor job. 14 00:00:50,143 --> 00:00:52,008 And we got a free bottle of champagne. 15 00:00:52,111 --> 00:00:55,377 - But it's empty now. - Oh, man. 16 00:00:55,849 --> 00:00:59,649 And as result, it seemed like I was missing out on everything. 17 00:01:00,320 --> 00:01:02,379 Sorry, we couldn't wait. It was getting cold. 18 00:01:02,489 --> 00:01:03,513 Oh, man! 19 00:01:03,624 --> 00:01:05,717 - Hey, big guy. - What's up, G? 20 00:01:06,460 --> 00:01:08,724 - Are you okay? - Yeah, I'm fine. It's just, 21 00:01:08,829 --> 00:01:10,421 you know, I wanna hang out with you guys. 22 00:01:10,531 --> 00:01:11,793 I wanna hang out with my friends. 23 00:01:11,899 --> 00:01:14,561 I just feel like I'm spending all my time on the train. 24 00:01:14,668 --> 00:01:16,226 Okay, how about this. Why don't you ask your friends 25 00:01:16,336 --> 00:01:19,635 - to come out here sometime? - That's a great idea. 26 00:01:19,973 --> 00:01:22,942 You want us to go to New Jersey? That is rich. 27 00:01:23,043 --> 00:01:25,011 - Why? - Well, for starters, 28 00:01:25,112 --> 00:01:27,580 I don't have any of my gold medallions anymore. 29 00:01:27,681 --> 00:01:31,311 I sold them when they went out of style 400 years ago. 30 00:01:31,886 --> 00:01:33,854 - Lily? - Sorry, Ted. 31 00:01:33,955 --> 00:01:35,616 I'm a born and raised New Yorker. 32 00:01:35,723 --> 00:01:39,557 I'm programmed to despise and loathe New Jersey and all that it stands for. 33 00:01:39,661 --> 00:01:42,994 Why am I telling you this? You hate New Jersey more than anyone. 34 00:01:43,098 --> 00:01:45,589 What? I don't hate New Jersey. Why would you think that? 35 00:01:46,201 --> 00:01:47,668 And then he cut in front of me! 36 00:01:47,769 --> 00:01:51,364 God, I hate line cutters more than I hate New Jersey! 37 00:01:52,273 --> 00:01:56,232 Well, that's not true. There is nothing I hate more than New Jersey. 38 00:01:57,479 --> 00:01:58,446 Huh? 39 00:02:01,082 --> 00:02:02,242 Right? 40 00:02:03,985 --> 00:02:05,510 Hey, you want us to wait for you or... 41 00:02:05,621 --> 00:02:08,818 No, I might be a while. I gotta drop a massive New Jersey. 42 00:02:10,059 --> 00:02:12,823 Okay, so New Jersey's not my favorite place. 43 00:02:12,928 --> 00:02:15,988 But once Stella and I get married and she and Lucy move in with me, 44 00:02:16,098 --> 00:02:18,191 I'll never set foot in New Jersey again. 45 00:02:18,300 --> 00:02:21,292 Unless I'm going to see a Giants game or flying out of Newark 46 00:02:21,403 --> 00:02:23,894 or, God forbid, disposing of a body. 47 00:02:24,240 --> 00:02:27,073 Ted, if you murder me and bury me in New Jersey, 48 00:02:27,176 --> 00:02:29,041 I'll haunt you forever. 49 00:02:29,478 --> 00:02:31,946 But if I murder you and bury you somewhere else? 50 00:02:32,047 --> 00:02:34,948 I'll leave you alone. I'm sure you had your reasons. 51 00:02:50,033 --> 00:02:53,469 Kids, your Aunt Robin was sick of her job at Metro News 1. 52 00:02:53,570 --> 00:02:55,299 She was sick of the low production value... 53 00:02:55,405 --> 00:02:58,067 I'm Robin Scherbatsky, and you're watching 54 00:02:59,776 --> 00:03:01,744 Etro News 1 at 11:00. 55 00:03:03,780 --> 00:03:05,441 And again at 1:00. 56 00:03:06,383 --> 00:03:08,180 sick of the stories she had to report... 57 00:03:08,285 --> 00:03:13,120 So hurry up and get your votes in for New York's cutest doggie. 58 00:03:14,325 --> 00:03:16,987 and most of all, she was sick of all the stupid puns. 59 00:03:17,094 --> 00:03:21,360 Four transit workers were electrocuted when a subway train jumped the tracks. 60 00:03:21,465 --> 00:03:26,869 Stay tuned for the shocking derails. Joel, people died. 61 00:03:29,207 --> 00:03:32,370 So when the call came in that she got the big national anchor job, 62 00:03:32,476 --> 00:03:36,105 she finally got to say the words she'd been dreaming of saying for years. 63 00:03:36,214 --> 00:03:38,375 Tonight will be my last broadcast. 64 00:03:38,482 --> 00:03:41,576 I came to Metro News 1 as a little caterpillar, 65 00:03:41,686 --> 00:03:45,315 and for four years, this desk has been my cocoon. 66 00:03:46,357 --> 00:03:50,488 But tonight, I emerge an ambitious butterfly. 67 00:03:51,196 --> 00:03:53,596 Why does she sound like an idiot? Did she have a stroke? 68 00:03:53,699 --> 00:03:58,159 Yeah. A stroke of genius. This speech is really good. 69 00:03:59,571 --> 00:04:03,200 With one eye on the horizon, one eye on the truth, 70 00:04:04,076 --> 00:04:06,636 and one eye on all of you. 71 00:04:07,679 --> 00:04:09,909 You wrote it for her, didn't you? 72 00:04:10,482 --> 00:04:13,679 It's a modified version of the speech I gave when I had to leave the swim team 73 00:04:13,785 --> 00:04:16,049 because of a chronic inner ear situation. 74 00:04:16,154 --> 00:04:19,590 - I thought you were the towel boy. - It's part of the team. 75 00:04:19,691 --> 00:04:22,922 So that Saturday, as Robin went off for her first day at her new job, 76 00:04:23,028 --> 00:04:24,223 we all headed across the river 77 00:04:24,330 --> 00:04:26,992 to experience some of that crazy New Jersey nightlife. 78 00:04:27,166 --> 00:04:29,657 Okay, Stella couldn't find a sitter, so we can't go out. 79 00:04:29,769 --> 00:04:34,365 Instead, we're all gonna hang out here, and it's gonna be just as awesome. 80 00:04:34,474 --> 00:04:36,908 Right? We got board games, we got movies, 81 00:04:37,010 --> 00:04:40,411 and I think there may be some beer out in the garage. 82 00:04:43,216 --> 00:04:47,016 Ted, this is pathetic. It's Saturday night. We should be out at a bar drinking alcohol. 83 00:04:47,120 --> 00:04:50,351 Now I know that that sounds depressing, bordering on tragic, but it's just a fact! 84 00:04:50,456 --> 00:04:52,947 Yeah, and I wanna take another crack at that chick, Doris. 85 00:04:53,059 --> 00:04:56,495 - I know I can land that lesbian plane. - No snakes on that plane. 86 00:04:58,698 --> 00:05:03,534 Okay, guys. Come on, you promised. Let's just hang out here, try to have fun. 87 00:05:03,637 --> 00:05:05,571 I mean, we're all together. 88 00:05:05,673 --> 00:05:08,471 Friends hanging out. Isn't that what really matters? 89 00:05:12,980 --> 00:05:15,710 Okay, if we take the next train, we can be at MacLaren's by 11:00. 90 00:05:15,816 --> 00:05:17,647 - We can be there by 10:00. - No, I have to change first. 91 00:05:17,751 --> 00:05:20,049 I am not walking into MacLaren's smelling like New Jersey. 92 00:05:20,154 --> 00:05:21,644 Whoa. 93 00:05:22,990 --> 00:05:26,949 Wow. You guys really hate it here, huh? 94 00:05:27,061 --> 00:05:29,894 What? No, Stels. 95 00:05:30,497 --> 00:05:32,658 No. No, I get it. I mean, you guys are all New Yorkers. 96 00:05:32,766 --> 00:05:33,927 You need to go hang out at a bar. 97 00:05:34,035 --> 00:05:36,833 Well, you could just hang out at the coolest bar in the state, 98 00:05:36,938 --> 00:05:39,634 which is so close it will blow your mind. 99 00:05:41,242 --> 00:05:45,542 And boom goes the dynamite. The coolest bar in New Jersey. 100 00:05:45,647 --> 00:05:48,741 - Yeah, it probably is. - This is great! 101 00:05:49,351 --> 00:05:52,548 We got darts. Half a ping-pong table. 102 00:05:52,954 --> 00:05:55,422 A fish bowl. Look what turned out to be 103 00:05:55,824 --> 00:05:57,291 an awesome night as promised. 104 00:05:57,392 --> 00:06:00,054 Maybe we can drop some Bac-Os in here and make them fight. 105 00:06:00,161 --> 00:06:04,097 No, thanks. I don't mess with fish bowls unless they have my two favorite fish, 106 00:06:04,199 --> 00:06:07,896 the suckerfish and the blowfish. What up! 107 00:06:08,904 --> 00:06:11,395 For blowfish? I don't think so. 108 00:06:13,776 --> 00:06:15,903 - Marshall. - You're better than that. 109 00:06:16,011 --> 00:06:18,104 - Lily. - Not good enough. 110 00:06:18,881 --> 00:06:20,109 Stella? 111 00:06:22,885 --> 00:06:24,045 Sorry. 112 00:06:25,154 --> 00:06:28,453 I am not lowering this until someone gives me the respect 113 00:06:28,557 --> 00:06:31,754 of another person's knuckles tapping against mine 114 00:06:31,861 --> 00:06:34,329 in a light but decisive manner. 115 00:06:35,965 --> 00:06:39,799 Pretty, pretty. Pretty, pretty. Pretty... Who's a pretty baby? 116 00:06:41,804 --> 00:06:46,902 Then know this. Until it gets what it wants, nay, deserves, 117 00:06:47,711 --> 00:06:50,271 this fist will not yield. 118 00:06:51,848 --> 00:06:55,716 It will not yield. 119 00:06:57,587 --> 00:07:00,249 - So who wants to play Scrabble? - Sure, whatever. 120 00:07:00,457 --> 00:07:02,652 Heads up, the X tile is a little hard to read 121 00:07:02,759 --> 00:07:05,626 'cause a couple years ago, it went all the way through my dog. 122 00:07:07,431 --> 00:07:09,422 You know, maybe we should get a dog again, 123 00:07:09,533 --> 00:07:11,194 - when you move in. - When I what? 124 00:07:12,602 --> 00:07:14,661 Great. There's Robin. 125 00:07:20,344 --> 00:07:23,711 - I thought they were moving in with you? - So did I. 126 00:07:25,750 --> 00:07:28,514 Oh, God, am I moving to New Jersey? 127 00:07:29,287 --> 00:07:31,778 Hey, guys, I bet that dog was really flying high 128 00:07:31,889 --> 00:07:35,723 after it swallowed a little X. Nailed it! 129 00:07:37,495 --> 00:07:39,019 Come on! 130 00:07:43,100 --> 00:07:45,967 - I can't live here. - It wouldn't be that bad. 131 00:07:46,504 --> 00:07:49,337 You could put a minifridge over there and maybe some Nok Hockey. 132 00:07:49,440 --> 00:07:51,806 Nok Hockey. Nice one, big man. 133 00:07:52,477 --> 00:07:55,641 Yeah, I meant New Jersey in general, not this basement. 134 00:07:55,747 --> 00:07:59,410 She wants me to move here? I don't get it. We discussed this months ago. 135 00:08:00,052 --> 00:08:05,046 So I was thinking after the wedding, you and Lucy could move in here. 136 00:08:06,592 --> 00:08:09,254 Yeah, she could play out on the fire escape, 137 00:08:09,361 --> 00:08:12,194 maybe make friends with that guy who sleeps on that couch out in the alley, 138 00:08:12,297 --> 00:08:16,393 ride her bike up and down Broadway. That's a great idea, Ted. 139 00:08:18,403 --> 00:08:21,338 Look, I don't understand why you'd want to live in New Jersey 140 00:08:21,440 --> 00:08:23,305 when you have a chance to live in Manhattan. 141 00:08:23,408 --> 00:08:25,603 I thought having a rent-controlled apartment on the Upper West Side 142 00:08:25,711 --> 00:08:27,235 was half the reason she agreed to marry me. 143 00:08:27,346 --> 00:08:30,748 Really, I thought it was the whole reason. What is up? 144 00:08:31,518 --> 00:08:33,986 - Hey. - Robin, hey! Looking good. 145 00:08:34,554 --> 00:08:37,648 - Bump the Barnacle. - Stella already told me not to. 146 00:08:37,757 --> 00:08:39,691 - How was your first day? - It wasn't. 147 00:08:39,792 --> 00:08:41,726 - What? - It wasn't my first day. 148 00:08:41,828 --> 00:08:43,796 I showed up and there were 20 other people. 149 00:08:43,897 --> 00:08:47,264 It turns out, I didn't actually get the job. I only got an audition. 150 00:08:47,367 --> 00:08:48,959 - What, how did that happen? - I don't know, 151 00:08:49,068 --> 00:08:50,535 because he told me that I got it. 152 00:08:50,870 --> 00:08:52,599 I got it? I got it! 153 00:08:54,073 --> 00:08:56,507 And just to be clear, when I say "you got it," 154 00:08:56,609 --> 00:09:00,477 I mean an audition. You got an audition. 155 00:09:01,014 --> 00:09:05,349 I don't want there to be any confusion. You have an audition only. 156 00:09:05,719 --> 00:09:07,118 Not the job. 157 00:09:08,522 --> 00:09:09,887 Thank you! Thank you! 158 00:09:10,658 --> 00:09:13,149 Okay, I'm gonna call and beg Joel to give me my job back. 159 00:09:13,260 --> 00:09:15,353 - No. - You hated that job. 160 00:09:15,462 --> 00:09:16,827 I don't know. It wasn't so bad. 161 00:09:16,931 --> 00:09:19,491 Robin, what did they make you call Tropical Storm Hector 162 00:09:19,600 --> 00:09:21,534 when it was raining cats and dogs? 163 00:09:21,835 --> 00:09:23,359 A furricane. 164 00:09:23,470 --> 00:09:24,835 Hey, Ted. 165 00:09:25,539 --> 00:09:28,099 - Rock me like a furricane. - Nice. 166 00:09:28,776 --> 00:09:29,834 Mean. 167 00:09:30,311 --> 00:09:34,145 Okay, yeah, it sucks, but what can I do? I mean, I'm not gonna get that other job. 168 00:09:34,248 --> 00:09:36,307 You guys should have seen the other women at this audition. 169 00:09:36,417 --> 00:09:39,649 They all had more experience than me, were more ethnic than me. 170 00:09:39,754 --> 00:09:42,314 There was an African-American chick with blue eyes. 171 00:09:42,424 --> 00:09:44,119 How can I compete with that? 172 00:09:44,359 --> 00:09:45,485 You can't. 173 00:09:45,660 --> 00:09:47,491 No, you can compete with anyone. 174 00:09:47,596 --> 00:09:51,532 You're Robin Scherbatsky. You're confident, strong, tall, 175 00:09:51,633 --> 00:09:54,261 with crazy long legs that look great in shorts. 176 00:09:54,369 --> 00:09:55,495 I'm calling Joel. 177 00:09:55,604 --> 00:09:59,040 No, no. Robin, if you call him right now, you will hate yourself. 178 00:09:59,174 --> 00:10:02,473 Look, I have slept with lots of women who afterwards told me off 179 00:10:02,978 --> 00:10:05,947 and stormed out. And sometimes, they'd pick up the phone 180 00:10:06,047 --> 00:10:08,709 and they'd call me, and then we'd hook up again. 181 00:10:08,817 --> 00:10:11,752 And when we were finished, I could see that look on their faces, 182 00:10:11,853 --> 00:10:16,382 that look that says they hate themselves and they wish they'd never called. 183 00:10:17,026 --> 00:10:18,721 But if you could see that look... 184 00:10:18,828 --> 00:10:21,763 Actually, you can see that look, there's a video, www... 185 00:10:21,864 --> 00:10:24,332 No, no! Stop, okay? I won't call. 186 00:10:25,201 --> 00:10:27,567 Don't drink the beer! I just remembered when I bought it. 187 00:10:27,670 --> 00:10:29,604 It was right before I got pregnant with Lucy. 188 00:10:29,705 --> 00:10:32,265 Ted, would you mind running to PriceCo and picking some up? 189 00:10:32,441 --> 00:10:34,238 And while you're there, maybe you could sign up for a card. 190 00:10:34,343 --> 00:10:37,835 I mean, you'll probably end up going there all the time. 191 00:10:39,649 --> 00:10:41,207 That's the look. 192 00:10:43,452 --> 00:10:47,149 I can't move here. I hate it here. I would kill myself. 193 00:10:47,256 --> 00:10:50,693 Maybe New Jersey's not that bad, okay? Stella has a lawn. 194 00:10:50,794 --> 00:10:53,388 You could get a riding lawn mower. They sell them over there. 195 00:10:53,497 --> 00:10:57,593 I saw one with a cup holder. I saw a recliner with a built-in cup holder. 196 00:10:57,701 --> 00:10:59,396 I even saw a hammock with a cup holder. 197 00:10:59,503 --> 00:11:01,937 You live in New Jersey, you never have to hold a cup again. 198 00:11:02,039 --> 00:11:04,940 I don't think I have as big a problem holding cups as you do. 199 00:11:05,042 --> 00:11:08,910 I will give you $100 to fist bump me. 200 00:11:10,947 --> 00:11:12,312 $200. 201 00:11:12,582 --> 00:11:16,416 Just put it down, Barney. Your arm must be killing you by now. 202 00:11:18,455 --> 00:11:19,979 $10,000. 203 00:11:21,191 --> 00:11:23,820 Look, you'll be right across the river. You'll be in New York all the time. 204 00:11:23,928 --> 00:11:25,589 - Oh, yeah? - Yeah. 205 00:11:26,064 --> 00:11:28,225 Excuse me. You guys are from New York, right? 206 00:11:28,332 --> 00:11:29,959 Yeah, we moved here from Manhattan. 207 00:11:30,068 --> 00:11:32,332 - Do you ever get into the city? - All the time. 208 00:11:32,437 --> 00:11:33,631 See? All the time. 209 00:11:33,738 --> 00:11:36,969 - When was the last time you were there? - We just had dinner at O'Rourke's. 210 00:11:37,075 --> 00:11:39,100 That's been closed for six years. 211 00:11:39,210 --> 00:11:42,145 Maybe it has been a while. Funny, we don't miss it. 212 00:11:42,246 --> 00:11:46,273 I guess we're New Jersey-ians now. Honey, look, dog shirts. 213 00:11:48,853 --> 00:11:50,844 I can't do it. I'm just gonna tell Stella 214 00:11:50,955 --> 00:11:53,583 she and Lucy have to move into the city and that's that. 215 00:11:53,691 --> 00:11:57,719 Okay, what do you guys think? Beagle or Boston terrier? 216 00:12:01,700 --> 00:12:03,565 Are those tears? 217 00:12:04,903 --> 00:12:08,964 They're awesome, manly pain tears. They're not emotional. 218 00:12:10,509 --> 00:12:13,069 Okay, they're a little bit emotional. 219 00:12:13,846 --> 00:12:15,313 Where's Robin? 220 00:12:16,682 --> 00:12:18,115 Oh, no. She's... 221 00:12:19,151 --> 00:12:21,585 Hey, Shirley, it's Robin calling for Joel. 222 00:12:21,687 --> 00:12:25,054 - Robin, hang up the phone. Don't do this. - Sorry, I know, okay? 223 00:12:25,157 --> 00:12:29,594 - If you don't hang up right now... - Stop! Hey, Joel, it's Robin. 224 00:12:29,962 --> 00:12:32,522 So Madam Butterfly wants to come back to the cocoon. 225 00:12:33,800 --> 00:12:35,859 Yeah, look, I'm sorry I said all that stuff. 226 00:12:35,969 --> 00:12:37,960 Well, you can stick your sorries in your sock drawer 227 00:12:38,071 --> 00:12:39,595 'cause you've already been replaced. 228 00:12:39,706 --> 00:12:42,732 I've got Brian in makeup and he couldn't be more excited. 229 00:12:43,109 --> 00:12:45,703 I can't do this. I can't do this. 230 00:12:46,045 --> 00:12:50,414 Okay, look, as much as I wanna see college boy here wet himself on camera, 231 00:12:50,517 --> 00:12:52,417 if you can get here in time to read the 11:00 news, 232 00:12:52,519 --> 00:12:53,645 you can have your old job back. 233 00:12:54,954 --> 00:12:57,548 Okay, I have a half hour to make it to the studio. 234 00:12:57,657 --> 00:12:59,818 There's no way you can make it to the city in a half hour. 235 00:12:59,926 --> 00:13:00,915 Robin, don't do this. 236 00:13:01,027 --> 00:13:04,292 I know it's scary to bet on yourself, but if you don't, nobody else will. 237 00:13:04,397 --> 00:13:06,092 And I'm not just saying that to get a fist bump. 238 00:13:06,199 --> 00:13:08,634 Although, come on, a fist bump would be great. But I really mean that. 239 00:13:08,736 --> 00:13:13,036 I am betting on myself. I am betting that I can make it there by 11:00. 240 00:13:29,156 --> 00:13:30,248 Hey, did you get the beer? 241 00:13:30,357 --> 00:13:34,418 Yeah, I got a 144-pack. The rest is in the trunk. 242 00:13:34,528 --> 00:13:37,429 - And did you sign up for the membership? - No. 243 00:13:38,299 --> 00:13:40,164 - Why not? - There was a line for the photos. 244 00:13:40,267 --> 00:13:43,567 My hair's a mess. I don't wanna move to New Jersey. 245 00:13:44,306 --> 00:13:45,967 - What? - I can't do it, 246 00:13:46,074 --> 00:13:49,703 and I can't see any reason why you and Lucy shouldn't move to New York. 247 00:13:49,811 --> 00:13:51,676 Well, my daughter goes to school here, 248 00:13:51,780 --> 00:13:53,805 all of her friends are here, I've lived here my whole life, 249 00:13:53,915 --> 00:13:56,816 my whole family is here, this is my house, I'm on the PTA 250 00:13:56,918 --> 00:13:59,751 and, as of June 1, I'm the deputy mayor. 251 00:14:01,323 --> 00:14:04,781 Yes, but my apartment is really close to the subway. 252 00:14:06,428 --> 00:14:09,158 Ted, we're not moving. End of discussion. 253 00:14:09,264 --> 00:14:12,324 How can it be end of discussion if there's never been a discussion? 254 00:14:12,434 --> 00:14:15,232 This is part of being a parent. I can't just uproot Lucy. 255 00:14:15,337 --> 00:14:19,468 People with kids move all the time. I think it would be really great for Lucy 256 00:14:19,575 --> 00:14:21,042 to grow up in the greatest city in the world. 257 00:14:21,143 --> 00:14:23,805 Here we go. New York's the greatest city in the whole wide world. 258 00:14:23,913 --> 00:14:26,746 It's where dreams come true and pigeon poop tastes like tapioca. 259 00:14:26,849 --> 00:14:31,081 Wanna know a little secret, Ted? New Jersey is better than New York. 260 00:14:31,721 --> 00:14:34,781 Better than... You think... I... 261 00:14:35,157 --> 00:14:38,820 The Empire State... H&H... 262 00:14:38,928 --> 00:14:42,728 Lincoln... Zabar's... Papaya King! 263 00:14:43,566 --> 00:14:46,899 New York is the intellectual and cultural hub of the planet. 264 00:14:47,003 --> 00:14:50,598 New York is full of weirdoes and snobs and mean people. 265 00:14:50,706 --> 00:14:52,902 Ted, do you know that, once, an old lady actually called me a bitch 266 00:14:53,010 --> 00:14:54,807 and threw a cat in my face? 267 00:14:54,912 --> 00:14:57,380 And you wanna know if that happened in New Jersey? Uh-uh. 268 00:14:57,481 --> 00:15:00,780 86th and Lex, right in front of your beloved little Papaya King. 269 00:15:00,884 --> 00:15:03,614 Ted, people are nice in New Jersey. 270 00:15:03,720 --> 00:15:05,745 I mean, it's the kind of place where you know your neighbors. 271 00:15:05,856 --> 00:15:08,882 - Hey, I know my neighbors. - Oh, yeah? Like who? 272 00:15:09,226 --> 00:15:12,252 Right across the hall, I got Claxpamon. 273 00:15:13,196 --> 00:15:15,494 - Claxpamon? - His name is Paxton. 274 00:15:15,599 --> 00:15:17,089 Love that dude. 275 00:15:18,402 --> 00:15:20,870 Sorry, in a hurry. Gotta get to the front. Gotta get off first. 276 00:15:21,238 --> 00:15:22,830 Don't run over Matisse. 277 00:15:23,440 --> 00:15:24,907 Okay, Stella, this is crazy. 278 00:15:25,008 --> 00:15:29,036 You can't actually think that New Jersey is better than New York. 279 00:15:29,147 --> 00:15:31,513 New York has Broadway. We win right there. 280 00:15:31,616 --> 00:15:35,017 Oh, no, she did not. Knuckle up for safety. 281 00:15:35,620 --> 00:15:36,644 We have Atlantic City. 282 00:15:36,754 --> 00:15:39,951 Can't beat the AC. Pretty please? No one has to know. 283 00:15:40,458 --> 00:15:43,086 - New York has Greenwich Village. - New Jersey has the Shore. 284 00:15:43,194 --> 00:15:44,218 Woody Allen. 285 00:15:44,329 --> 00:15:48,527 Oscar-winning chronicler of urban neuroses. Bump it! 286 00:15:48,633 --> 00:15:50,362 - Bruce Springsteen. - Sinatra! 287 00:15:50,468 --> 00:15:52,527 Yeah, he's from Hoboken, New Jersey. 288 00:15:52,637 --> 00:15:57,097 Yeah, but what city is he singing about? It's not Secaucus, Secaucus. 289 00:16:02,047 --> 00:16:03,207 Come on. 290 00:16:04,850 --> 00:16:07,580 Now, you kids can either believe this or not, 291 00:16:07,686 --> 00:16:11,247 but this is how your Aunt Robin swears it happened. 292 00:16:16,795 --> 00:16:20,356 Look, Stella, I understand that, coming from New Jersey, 293 00:16:20,466 --> 00:16:22,832 you don't picture yourself loving New York, 294 00:16:22,935 --> 00:16:25,529 but trust me, Marshall didn't expect to, 295 00:16:25,637 --> 00:16:28,003 and now he wouldn't think of living anywhere else. 296 00:16:28,107 --> 00:16:29,438 I hate New York! 297 00:16:30,642 --> 00:16:32,166 I'm sorry, but it's true. 298 00:16:32,277 --> 00:16:36,213 Okay, today I was walking around PriceCo. Have you ever been there? It's huge. 299 00:16:36,315 --> 00:16:39,683 All the stores in New York are so cramped. Every time I turn, I knock something over. 300 00:16:39,786 --> 00:16:43,654 I'm like some huge monster that came out of the ocean to destroy bodegas. 301 00:16:43,757 --> 00:16:47,887 - But, Marshall, you love New York. - Yeah, I do, except that I hate it. 302 00:16:47,994 --> 00:16:50,155 I'm too big for New York, okay? 303 00:16:50,263 --> 00:16:52,754 I'm always trying to fit into cramped little subway seats 304 00:16:52,866 --> 00:16:55,232 or duck under doorways that were built 150 years ago. 305 00:16:55,335 --> 00:16:58,133 Hey, guess what? People are bigger now. Build bigger doorways. 306 00:16:58,238 --> 00:17:01,230 - What the hell is the matter with you? - Small city, big man, give it up. 307 00:17:01,341 --> 00:17:05,471 And it's so loud all the time. Yes, it's the city that never sleeps. 308 00:17:05,578 --> 00:17:09,912 Well, guess what, I like to sleep. I've been tired for eight years. 309 00:17:10,016 --> 00:17:12,611 Tired and scared with black and blue marks on my elbows 310 00:17:12,720 --> 00:17:15,188 from trying to fit through all these tiny elf doorways. 311 00:17:15,289 --> 00:17:16,813 New Jersey's great. 312 00:17:16,924 --> 00:17:21,861 It's got huge stores and lawns and you never have to carry a cup again. 313 00:17:21,962 --> 00:17:27,332 Not for the rest of your life. I'm not afraid to say it. I love New Jersey. 314 00:17:30,371 --> 00:17:31,998 I'm just kidding. 315 00:17:34,008 --> 00:17:37,466 Look, Stella, I get it, okay? 316 00:17:38,512 --> 00:17:41,845 I see what you're saying. I guess, 317 00:17:43,751 --> 00:17:45,742 we could live in Brooklyn. 318 00:17:46,888 --> 00:17:51,518 You know what, Ted? Live wherever you want. I don't care. 319 00:17:59,534 --> 00:18:01,593 Awkward silence. Tap it. 320 00:18:13,915 --> 00:18:16,281 Hey, Lucy. What are you doing up? 321 00:18:16,384 --> 00:18:18,875 There were some loud noises in the basement. 322 00:18:18,987 --> 00:18:20,454 Sorry about that. 323 00:18:20,555 --> 00:18:24,151 - Why don't you get back to bed, sweetie? - I can't go to sleep without a story. 324 00:18:24,260 --> 00:18:28,060 - Okay, I'll just get your mom... - Why don't you read it to me? 325 00:18:29,866 --> 00:18:31,333 Okay, come on. 326 00:18:31,434 --> 00:18:35,063 You know she thrills me with all her charms 327 00:18:36,372 --> 00:18:40,536 When I'm wrapped up in my baby's arms 328 00:18:42,044 --> 00:18:46,037 My little girl gives me everything 329 00:18:48,084 --> 00:18:53,181 When I'm walking down the street with you 330 00:18:53,289 --> 00:18:57,556 Sing sha la la la la la la 331 00:19:00,531 --> 00:19:02,089 I'm moving here. 332 00:19:04,067 --> 00:19:06,160 - Really? - Really. 333 00:19:07,404 --> 00:19:09,065 New Jersey wins. 334 00:19:29,426 --> 00:19:30,791 Thank you! 335 00:19:32,163 --> 00:19:33,357 Wait! 336 00:19:44,375 --> 00:19:45,364 Good evening, New York. 337 00:19:45,944 --> 00:19:47,809 Hey, look, she made it. 338 00:19:48,012 --> 00:19:49,274 Our top story tonight, 339 00:19:49,380 --> 00:19:52,975 the newborn panda at the Central Park Zoo got its first tooth today. 340 00:19:53,084 --> 00:19:56,815 I guess that makes her a molar bear. 341 00:19:58,089 --> 00:19:59,147 Molar bear. 342 00:20:00,925 --> 00:20:02,187 Molar bear. 343 00:20:04,028 --> 00:20:08,466 You know what? I really am done. Good night, New York. 344 00:20:13,606 --> 00:20:15,699 Wow, she really quit. 345 00:20:15,808 --> 00:20:18,174 You think we had anything to do with that? 346 00:20:18,277 --> 00:20:20,541 Yeah, I think we did. 347 00:20:22,181 --> 00:20:23,773 Nice job, Barney. 348 00:20:24,950 --> 00:20:28,681 Oh, my God! Thank you! 349 00:20:30,656 --> 00:20:32,681 That was killing my arm. 350 00:20:32,791 --> 00:20:35,351 My arm hasn't been this sore since I was 13 years old 351 00:20:35,461 --> 00:20:38,521 and figured out how to lock a bathroom. Up top. 352 00:20:41,134 --> 00:20:42,328 Oh, no. 353 00:20:45,472 --> 00:20:46,962 - Hey. - Hey. 354 00:20:47,073 --> 00:20:49,041 - Hey. - What's wrong? 355 00:20:49,142 --> 00:20:51,110 Well, I officially didn't get that job. 356 00:20:52,279 --> 00:20:53,439 - I'm so sorry. - That's okay. 357 00:20:53,546 --> 00:20:56,014 They offered me another one. 358 00:20:56,116 --> 00:20:58,448 Hey, that's great. What are you gonna be doing? 359 00:20:58,551 --> 00:21:02,544 Foreign correspondent. I'm moving to Japan.