1 00:00:02,304 --> 00:00:05,074 I am not impressed with the talent in here tonight. 2 00:00:05,493 --> 00:00:07,701 And the more I drink, the less attractive they get. 3 00:00:08,140 --> 00:00:11,455 I'm one scotch and soda away from the Cantina scene in Star Wars. 4 00:00:11,921 --> 00:00:13,874 What about those girls over there, they're hot. 5 00:00:14,290 --> 00:00:15,928 - They're not hot. - Are you kidding? 6 00:00:16,028 --> 00:00:19,587 I hated their guts the minute I saw them, which mean they're hot. 7 00:00:19,687 --> 00:00:23,687 In fact, I hated them almost as much as I hated Robin when I first met her. 8 00:00:23,787 --> 00:00:25,654 - You hated me? - A lot. 9 00:00:27,833 --> 00:00:29,325 Barney, they're hot. 10 00:00:30,138 --> 00:00:32,529 Oh, there is so much to teach you all. 11 00:00:32,697 --> 00:00:35,088 You have just become victims of... 12 00:00:35,666 --> 00:00:37,940 The Cheerleader Effect. Glad you asked. 13 00:00:38,040 --> 00:00:41,180 The Cheerleader Effect is when a group of women seems hot, 14 00:00:41,280 --> 00:00:42,899 but only, as a group. 15 00:00:43,301 --> 00:00:44,321 Just like with cheerleaders. 16 00:00:44,521 --> 00:00:45,831 They seem hot, 17 00:00:45,931 --> 00:00:48,104 but take each one of|them individually? 18 00:00:48,204 --> 00:00:49,326 Sled dogs. 19 00:00:49,703 --> 00:00:50,661 That's insane. 20 00:00:51,229 --> 00:00:55,082 Take a good, hard look at each one of those girls. Individually. 21 00:00:57,060 --> 00:01:03,134 Someone needs to stop Clearway Law. Public shouldn't leave reviews for lawyers. 22 00:01:13,773 --> 00:01:14,658 I don't know. 23 00:01:14,969 --> 00:01:16,353 The one on the end is kind of cute. 24 00:01:16,684 --> 00:01:18,397 Yeah, she really is. 25 00:01:18,855 --> 00:01:21,407 And that, my friends, is The Cheerleader Effect. 26 00:01:21,507 --> 00:01:24,225 Also known as the Bridesmaid Paradox, 27 00:01:24,260 --> 00:01:25,645 Sorority Girl Syndrome, 28 00:01:25,744 --> 00:01:27,768 and for a brief window in the mid-'90s, 29 00:01:27,868 --> 00:01:29,763 the Spice Girls Conspiracy. 30 00:01:29,863 --> 00:01:32,021 Scary Spice indeed. 31 00:01:36,187 --> 00:01:37,593 Barney Stinson. 32 00:01:38,113 --> 00:01:39,036 Oh, hi. 33 00:01:41,445 --> 00:01:42,548 Got it. 34 00:01:43,750 --> 00:01:45,509 Great, we'll be in touch. 35 00:01:48,203 --> 00:01:48,952 What? 36 00:01:49,962 --> 00:01:52,139 Apparently I'm gonna be a dad. 37 00:01:53,881 --> 00:01:56,381 Sync by vNaru 38 00:02:06,762 --> 00:02:09,415 What do you mean you're gonna be a dad? How did, how did this happen? 39 00:02:09,731 --> 00:02:12,880 It was just some girl I hooked up with a few weeks back. 40 00:02:12,980 --> 00:02:15,246 She's not sure. She's gonna go to the doctor in the morning. 41 00:02:15,346 --> 00:02:17,957 Maybe it's a false alarm. Maybe she's not pregnant. 42 00:02:18,230 --> 00:02:19,060 Lily, 43 00:02:19,160 --> 00:02:22,674 no part of Barney Stinson does anything less than 110%. 44 00:02:22,774 --> 00:02:24,737 If one of my little Michael Phelpses got loose, 45 00:02:24,837 --> 00:02:26,314 he's swimming for the gold. 46 00:02:26,774 --> 00:02:28,176 This is a nightmare. 47 00:02:28,276 --> 00:02:29,319 I don't want kids. 48 00:02:29,419 --> 00:02:32,170 Who in their right mind would ever want kids? 49 00:02:32,671 --> 00:02:34,791 Now, when you turn 30 and you're in a couple, 50 00:02:34,891 --> 00:02:36,392 a strange thing happens. 51 00:02:36,900 --> 00:02:39,199 You start to see babies everywhere. 52 00:02:52,474 --> 00:02:54,314 Oh, come on. 53 00:02:54,656 --> 00:02:57,788 Yes, Marshall and Lily were coming down with baby fever. 54 00:02:57,888 --> 00:02:59,628 And their new neighbors weren't helping. 55 00:02:59,728 --> 00:03:01,875 Did you lose a sock there, little dude? 56 00:03:03,590 --> 00:03:05,246 That is without a doubt 57 00:03:05,346 --> 00:03:07,841 the cutest little thing I've ever seen. 58 00:03:08,051 --> 00:03:09,470 There's my little peanut. 59 00:03:09,570 --> 00:03:12,680 That night they sat down to have a serious practical discussion 60 00:03:12,780 --> 00:03:13,891 about having kids. 61 00:03:13,991 --> 00:03:15,657 So, if we have a baby, 62 00:03:15,757 --> 00:03:18,058 do you think you could work fewer hours? 63 00:03:18,158 --> 00:03:22,146 Doesn't matter, he's gonna be so cute, I'm gonna eat him up on the first day. 64 00:03:24,145 --> 00:03:26,900 But what about money? We're still in a ton of debt. 65 00:03:27,100 --> 00:03:30,487 Oh, well, we'll count our overdue bills on his teeny tiny fingers. 66 00:03:32,213 --> 00:03:33,598 Let's have a baby. 67 00:03:38,278 --> 00:03:40,664 Oh, oh, right now? Oh, okay. 68 00:03:41,564 --> 00:03:43,434 There was just one thing in their way. 69 00:03:43,534 --> 00:03:45,680 Scooch over. I TiVo'd The View. 70 00:03:47,045 --> 00:03:51,120 And that thing happened to be unemployed and sleeping on their couch. 71 00:03:54,682 --> 00:03:55,935 So, Robin, 72 00:03:56,838 --> 00:03:58,706 how's the job and apartment search going? 73 00:03:58,806 --> 00:04:00,013 You didn't hear? 74 00:04:00,048 --> 00:04:01,437 I'm the lead anchor on CNN. 75 00:04:01,536 --> 00:04:05,431 And I got a penthouse overlooking Central Park made of gold. 76 00:04:05,531 --> 00:04:07,691 Get your head out of your ass, Marshall. 77 00:04:08,644 --> 00:04:11,155 They realized if they were going to start a family 78 00:04:11,255 --> 00:04:12,839 they had to plan ahead. 79 00:04:13,272 --> 00:04:16,349 Would you mind crashing at Ted's tomorrow night? 80 00:04:16,449 --> 00:04:19,720 I'm, uh, cooking, Marshall a special dinner. 81 00:04:19,820 --> 00:04:21,711 Just dinner. That's it. Nothing else. 82 00:04:22,592 --> 00:04:23,323 Fine. 83 00:04:23,423 --> 00:04:25,693 But you'd better not be as uptight as these idiots 84 00:04:25,793 --> 00:04:28,142 about me shooting beer cans on the roof. 85 00:04:28,579 --> 00:04:30,028 "It hurts my ears. 86 00:04:30,128 --> 00:04:33,233 The neighbors called the cops. You almost hit me." 87 00:04:33,709 --> 00:04:36,877 Enjoy her, Ted. She's in a real good place right now. 88 00:04:40,360 --> 00:04:41,600 God? It's me. 89 00:04:41,968 --> 00:04:42,731 Barney. 90 00:04:43,073 --> 00:04:44,061 What up? 91 00:04:45,514 --> 00:04:47,231 I know we don't talk much, 92 00:04:47,576 --> 00:04:50,622 though a lot of girls call out your name because of me. 93 00:04:50,722 --> 00:04:51,620 Awesome. 94 00:04:52,389 --> 00:04:53,507 But, God... 95 00:04:54,999 --> 00:04:57,796 if you could get me, out of this, 96 00:04:57,896 --> 00:04:59,172 I swear 97 00:04:59,272 --> 00:05:00,528 I will never 98 00:05:00,628 --> 00:05:03,738 ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ev... 99 00:05:08,512 --> 00:05:09,688 Oh, hang on, bro. 100 00:05:11,147 --> 00:05:12,368 Go for Barney. 101 00:05:16,587 --> 00:05:17,511 Really? 102 00:05:26,668 --> 00:05:28,302 Marshall, great news! 103 00:05:28,516 --> 00:05:29,872 I'm not a father! 104 00:05:29,972 --> 00:05:31,641 Congratulations, buddy. 105 00:05:32,107 --> 00:05:34,685 This is the happiest moment of my life, Marshall. 106 00:05:34,785 --> 00:05:37,760 The way I feel about not having kids? 107 00:05:37,860 --> 00:05:40,033 I never knew I could love something this much. 108 00:05:40,331 --> 00:05:42,953 That's why I'm creating a holiday. 109 00:05:43,336 --> 00:05:47,458 From now on, today will be known as "Not a Father's Day." 110 00:05:47,748 --> 00:05:49,305 You're creating a holiday? 111 00:05:49,405 --> 00:05:51,333 Yeah, why not? Everyone else gets a day: 112 00:05:51,433 --> 00:05:53,349 Mothers, Fathers, Bastilles. 113 00:05:53,840 --> 00:05:56,968 Why can't there be a day for people who are single and like it that way? 114 00:05:57,068 --> 00:06:00,350 Well, now you just sound like the chubby girl on Valentine's Day. 115 00:06:00,450 --> 00:06:03,473 - Hello, Stinson. - Hey, Nolan. How are the kids? 116 00:06:05,998 --> 00:06:08,111 You ready for tonight, Eriksen? Big merger. 117 00:06:09,196 --> 00:06:11,625 Well, that's between me and my wife, sir. 118 00:06:11,909 --> 00:06:13,906 No. The meeting with Mr. Li. Tonight. 119 00:06:14,313 --> 00:06:15,773 I thought that was a breakfast meeting. 120 00:06:15,873 --> 00:06:18,915 It is. Breakfast in China. We're teleconferencing with the Chinese. 121 00:06:19,015 --> 00:06:20,294 Count on you, kid. 122 00:06:24,365 --> 00:06:25,137 Marshall? 123 00:06:25,424 --> 00:06:26,387 Hey, babe. 124 00:06:26,981 --> 00:06:30,000 - It's breakfast time in China. - Yeah, it is. 125 00:06:30,200 --> 00:06:32,169 Not a euphemism. Look, I... 126 00:06:32,873 --> 00:06:35,100 - Wait, what would that even mean? - I don't know, 127 00:06:35,200 --> 00:06:38,354 hot buns, spicy pork? There's something there. 128 00:06:39,023 --> 00:06:40,662 You're not coming home tonight, are you? 129 00:06:42,899 --> 00:06:44,716 Are you shaking your head "no?" 130 00:06:46,466 --> 00:06:48,245 I thought so. 131 00:06:49,626 --> 00:06:51,806 Oh, thank you, guys, for coming over so fast. 132 00:06:51,906 --> 00:06:54,413 Are you all right? You sounded upset on the phone. 133 00:06:54,513 --> 00:06:57,694 Marshall and I made this big decision to have... 134 00:06:58,720 --> 00:06:59,479 dinner. 135 00:06:59,882 --> 00:07:02,709 And I thought I was ready to have... 136 00:07:02,809 --> 00:07:03,589 dinner. 137 00:07:03,689 --> 00:07:05,676 But then he called and canceled, and... 138 00:07:05,776 --> 00:07:09,013 it got me thinking. Is it too early for us to have... 139 00:07:09,113 --> 00:07:09,957 dinner? 140 00:07:10,605 --> 00:07:12,641 I had an early lunch, so I'm ready for dinner. 141 00:07:12,741 --> 00:07:15,873 - Dinner is a baby! - Lily, that's horrible! 142 00:07:15,973 --> 00:07:17,506 No, no, I... 143 00:07:17,706 --> 00:07:19,421 I need you guys to figure something out for me. 144 00:07:19,521 --> 00:07:20,384 What? 145 00:07:21,310 --> 00:07:24,874 Are Marshall and I ready to have a baby? 146 00:07:28,835 --> 00:07:32,091 So, are Marshall and I ready to have a baby or not? 147 00:07:32,191 --> 00:07:35,537 Lily, we can't make this decision for you. It's huge. 148 00:07:35,637 --> 00:07:37,571 You know what else is huge? Marshall's head. 149 00:07:37,671 --> 00:07:40,158 That thing's the size of a late August watermelon. 150 00:07:40,258 --> 00:07:42,416 Marshall's baby coming through there? 151 00:07:44,617 --> 00:07:45,886 What does Marshall think? 152 00:07:45,986 --> 00:07:50,400 Probably lot in that 1950s space helmet of a head he's walking around with. 153 00:07:50,553 --> 00:07:52,489 Marshall's really excited. 154 00:07:52,589 --> 00:07:55,447 But I think he only sees what's cute about having a baby, 155 00:07:55,547 --> 00:07:57,109 not what's hard about it. 156 00:07:57,209 --> 00:07:59,956 Like the other day, while Marshall was playing with baby Jeremy, 157 00:08:00,056 --> 00:08:01,670 I was talking to Jeremy's mom. 158 00:08:01,770 --> 00:08:03,356 Thanks so much for inviting us over. 159 00:08:03,456 --> 00:08:05,440 I have not talked to another adult in, like, weeks. 160 00:08:05,540 --> 00:08:06,811 Well, besides my husband. 161 00:08:06,911 --> 00:08:08,942 But "It's your turn to change him" and "Make him shut up" 162 00:08:09,042 --> 00:08:10,950 really doesn't count as conversation. 163 00:08:11,050 --> 00:08:13,407 Sorry, I'm rambling. I haven't gotten laid in seven months. 164 00:08:13,507 --> 00:08:14,851 Oh, I just did it again! 165 00:08:14,951 --> 00:08:16,254 Sleep deprivation! 166 00:08:17,320 --> 00:08:18,906 Oh, wait, I'm not crying, am I? 167 00:08:19,006 --> 00:08:20,121 I usually am. 168 00:08:20,413 --> 00:08:22,542 I don't mean to complain. Oh, now I feel bad! 169 00:08:22,837 --> 00:08:25,081 Oh, there's my little peanut! 170 00:08:25,203 --> 00:08:27,297 Oh, I love you so much! 171 00:08:27,907 --> 00:08:30,332 I'm going to be as strung out as Charlotte. 172 00:08:30,432 --> 00:08:31,820 Worse actually. 173 00:08:31,920 --> 00:08:33,889 At least her husband works from home. 174 00:08:33,989 --> 00:08:37,099 I mean, he's a pot dealer, but he's a very involved parent. 175 00:08:37,199 --> 00:08:38,848 Marshall will be a great dad. 176 00:08:38,948 --> 00:08:41,072 Marshall's always at the office, and, 177 00:08:41,172 --> 00:08:43,247 and I'm afraid that if we have a baby now, 178 00:08:43,282 --> 00:08:44,805 all the work will fall on me. 179 00:08:45,185 --> 00:08:47,616 You're just panicking and focusing on the downside. 180 00:08:47,716 --> 00:08:49,653 I think Lily's just being realistic. 181 00:08:49,753 --> 00:08:53,352 See, this is good. This is why I called you guys both over here. 182 00:08:53,452 --> 00:08:55,993 Ted, you're pro kids. Robin, you're against. 183 00:08:56,093 --> 00:08:58,120 Counselors, opening statements. 184 00:08:58,620 --> 00:09:01,778 Okay, I know you're afraid that you're not ready. 185 00:09:01,878 --> 00:09:03,598 But no one ever thinks they're ready. 186 00:09:03,698 --> 00:09:06,157 You just have to take the leap. Parenthood will come naturally. 187 00:09:06,257 --> 00:09:08,173 Well, of course you think it comes naturally. 188 00:09:08,273 --> 00:09:10,215 You're basically a dad already. 189 00:09:10,315 --> 00:09:11,591 You're a total dad. 190 00:09:11,691 --> 00:09:13,009 What are you talking about? 191 00:09:13,209 --> 00:09:14,602 Ted, think about it. 192 00:09:14,861 --> 00:09:17,564 You tell super corny dad jokes. 193 00:09:17,664 --> 00:09:19,803 Shredded tweet! 194 00:09:19,930 --> 00:09:21,435 Oh, man! 195 00:09:21,863 --> 00:09:23,985 Shredded tweet. 196 00:09:24,757 --> 00:09:27,967 You lecture us. Like when we broke your stupid ship in a bottle. 197 00:09:28,067 --> 00:09:30,444 I'm not angry. I'm just disappointed. 198 00:09:31,848 --> 00:09:33,326 - She did it! - Shut up! 199 00:09:35,109 --> 00:09:38,256 And you do that thing all dads do with waitresses. 200 00:09:38,356 --> 00:09:40,866 Hi, I'm Lori. I'll be your waitress this evening. 201 00:09:40,966 --> 00:09:44,249 Hi, Lori, I'm Ted. I'll be your customer this evening. 202 00:09:45,020 --> 00:09:46,597 Hey, Lori, before you go, tell me, 203 00:09:46,697 --> 00:09:49,212 what do you get when you cross a canary with a lawn mower? 204 00:09:49,312 --> 00:09:50,589 No hints. No hints. 205 00:09:50,953 --> 00:09:54,523 She's right. Ted, you maybe single and childless, 206 00:09:54,623 --> 00:09:56,642 but you're totally a dorky dad. 207 00:09:57,805 --> 00:10:00,286 I don't think I like your tone, young lady. 208 00:10:01,632 --> 00:10:04,273 Marshall, Not a Father's Day is a hit! 209 00:10:04,373 --> 00:10:06,604 Laraby and Finklestein are helping me celebrate. Check it. 210 00:10:07,158 --> 00:10:09,649 "World's Greatest Not A Dad" mugs. 211 00:10:10,036 --> 00:10:12,977 There's, uh... ha! "Who's Not Your Daddy?" Tee-shirts. 212 00:10:13,274 --> 00:10:15,781 Both available at Not A Father's Day.Com. 213 00:10:15,981 --> 00:10:18,262 Oh, check out the greeting cards. 214 00:10:21,331 --> 00:10:23,554 "For everything you do for yourself, 215 00:10:23,654 --> 00:10:25,254 For all the scotch upon your shelf, 216 00:10:25,875 --> 00:10:29,472 Your Porsche Carrera rules the freeway, Here's wishing you 217 00:10:29,572 --> 00:10:32,651 an all night three-way. Happy Not a Father's Day." 218 00:10:33,054 --> 00:10:34,873 Check out the illustration. 219 00:10:38,823 --> 00:10:41,417 It appears to be some sort of Asian hooker. 220 00:10:41,517 --> 00:10:44,146 Yes. Because on Not a Father's Day, 221 00:10:44,246 --> 00:10:47,273 you get a Thai you'd actually wear. Wordplay five! 222 00:10:49,055 --> 00:10:51,596 She's really kicking your ass here, Mosby. 223 00:10:51,696 --> 00:10:53,760 Your only hope is to go negative. 224 00:10:53,860 --> 00:10:54,613 Okay. 225 00:10:54,891 --> 00:10:57,869 I'll tell you why my opponent is saying all this. 226 00:10:58,037 --> 00:10:59,032 Three words, 227 00:10:59,132 --> 00:11:02,563 - scared of babies. - What? 228 00:11:02,663 --> 00:11:05,247 - That is crazy. I am not. - Oh, yeah? 229 00:11:05,769 --> 00:11:08,499 Remember that time you met my cousin and her kid? 230 00:11:08,599 --> 00:11:10,090 She is so cute! 231 00:11:11,511 --> 00:11:13,158 Oh, do you want to hold her? 232 00:11:16,413 --> 00:11:19,514 Or the baby shower Lily threw for her friend Erika? 233 00:11:21,597 --> 00:11:23,430 Are you leing that baby sniff you? 234 00:11:23,530 --> 00:11:25,078 I don't want to get bitten. 235 00:11:26,362 --> 00:11:28,114 And don't forget about... 236 00:11:32,119 --> 00:11:35,527 - Talking baby commercial? - Talking baby commercial. 237 00:11:36,294 --> 00:11:39,202 But you're not like that, Lily. You love kids and they love you. 238 00:11:39,507 --> 00:11:42,988 Yes, I'm loveable, pretty and wise, but is it enough? 239 00:11:43,449 --> 00:11:46,162 Look, it all comes down to one word, you. 240 00:11:46,720 --> 00:11:49,101 Are you ready to put your own dreams on the back burner? 241 00:11:49,201 --> 00:11:51,693 Grad school, teaching art at the college level? 242 00:11:51,793 --> 00:11:54,608 Look, you need to focus on Project Lily before 243 00:11:54,708 --> 00:11:56,263 you can start Project Baby. 244 00:11:56,363 --> 00:11:58,331 If you don't, you'll always regret it. 245 00:11:58,431 --> 00:12:01,136 And that wouldn't be fair to you or the baby. 246 00:12:02,878 --> 00:12:03,638 What's that? 247 00:12:04,840 --> 00:12:06,851 It's Jeremy's sock. 248 00:12:08,612 --> 00:12:10,187 I'm having a baby. 249 00:12:10,938 --> 00:12:13,070 But what about all the things I just said? 250 00:12:13,170 --> 00:12:15,025 But, but sock. 251 00:12:15,125 --> 00:12:17,681 But what about Marshall working all the time? 252 00:12:17,781 --> 00:12:19,154 But sock. 253 00:12:19,354 --> 00:12:20,853 But Project Lily! 254 00:12:21,060 --> 00:12:22,533 Little fishies on it. 255 00:12:23,231 --> 00:12:26,203 We made all of these arguments, and a sock 256 00:12:26,303 --> 00:12:28,768 is what makes your decision for you? 257 00:12:28,868 --> 00:12:32,056 I guess that was the sock-out punch, huh, Robin? 258 00:12:32,156 --> 00:12:35,092 - Shut up, Dad. - You shut up, baby hater. 259 00:12:35,192 --> 00:12:38,290 Babies are scary, okay? They have giant eyes. 260 00:12:38,390 --> 00:12:40,312 And then, come on, the soft spot? 261 00:12:40,412 --> 00:12:42,532 If there's gonna be a self-destruct button, 262 00:12:42,632 --> 00:12:45,924 at least hide it somewhere it won't accidentally get pressed. 263 00:12:47,204 --> 00:12:48,063 Where's Lily? 264 00:12:50,615 --> 00:12:53,006 - Hey, did you drink any of this? - Not a drop. 265 00:12:53,106 --> 00:12:54,143 Me, neither. 266 00:12:56,765 --> 00:12:58,626 Eriksen, meeting in five minutes. 267 00:12:58,726 --> 00:13:01,313 And you'd better bring your A-game for Mr. Li. 268 00:13:01,413 --> 00:13:03,567 That guy haunts my nightmares. 269 00:13:03,667 --> 00:13:05,629 Anyway, have fun out there, kid. 270 00:13:09,646 --> 00:13:11,410 Put a baby in me, Marshall. 271 00:13:11,510 --> 00:13:12,457 I'm ready. 272 00:13:19,393 --> 00:13:21,480 Lily... Lily, what are you doing here? 273 00:13:21,580 --> 00:13:24,024 I'm ready, Marshall. Tonight's the night. 274 00:13:24,315 --> 00:13:27,611 Put your melon-headed spawn in my belly. 275 00:13:27,811 --> 00:13:28,824 - What? - Yeah! 276 00:13:28,924 --> 00:13:31,343 Come on, right now. Baby me. I'm ready. 277 00:13:31,443 --> 00:13:33,650 Hey, look. 278 00:13:33,750 --> 00:13:36,500 The guys in the next building are waving at me. 279 00:13:36,600 --> 00:13:38,621 Hello, gentlemen! 280 00:13:38,721 --> 00:13:40,625 We're going to make a baby! 281 00:13:43,001 --> 00:13:44,539 I can't believe we lost her. 282 00:13:44,639 --> 00:13:46,671 See, this is exactly why I'm never having kids. 283 00:13:46,771 --> 00:13:48,904 You can't let them out of your sight for even a second. 284 00:13:49,004 --> 00:13:50,670 I can't find my file. 285 00:13:50,770 --> 00:13:53,481 I pulled out "A" through "G." 286 00:13:53,681 --> 00:13:56,984 Ag! Aaaaggg. 287 00:13:57,814 --> 00:14:00,316 They just sit there with their stupid bottles. 288 00:14:03,316 --> 00:14:04,167 They cry. 289 00:14:13,452 --> 00:14:14,571 They spit up. 290 00:14:18,372 --> 00:14:20,195 And that's why kids suck. 291 00:14:20,434 --> 00:14:22,019 It is a good thing we broke up. 292 00:14:22,119 --> 00:14:24,547 I forgot how totally psycho you are on the kids thing. 293 00:14:24,647 --> 00:14:25,724 I'm psycho? 294 00:14:25,937 --> 00:14:28,464 Any time you even hear the word "kids," 295 00:14:28,564 --> 00:14:31,394 you get two little lactation stains on your shirt. 296 00:14:31,723 --> 00:14:34,413 Thank God you're not a mom. You are such an ice queen. 297 00:14:34,513 --> 00:14:36,857 Any baby nursing from you would get brain freeze. 298 00:14:37,616 --> 00:14:40,930 Look, don't paint me as some sort of a freak for wanting to remain independent. 299 00:14:41,030 --> 00:14:43,783 There are plenty of normal people out there who don't want to have kids. 300 00:14:43,883 --> 00:14:47,869 Brother, lay your hand on this box of condoms and repeat after me. 301 00:14:48,069 --> 00:14:50,329 I, state the fake name you give to women. 302 00:14:50,758 --> 00:14:53,040 I, Johnny Banana. 303 00:14:53,474 --> 00:14:56,756 Vow to always choose wet T-shirts over wet diapers. 304 00:14:57,216 --> 00:15:00,490 - Vow to always... - Yeah, you're in great company there. 305 00:15:01,161 --> 00:15:03,125 I'm gonna look for Lily in the bathroom. 306 00:15:03,225 --> 00:15:05,011 While I'm in there, I'll grab you a tampon. 307 00:15:05,211 --> 00:15:07,166 Great, and when you're done shaking off at the urinal, 308 00:15:07,266 --> 00:15:09,582 maybe you could ask the wizard to give you a heart. 309 00:15:09,682 --> 00:15:12,888 You know what? Maybe I should find somewhere else to stay this weekend. 310 00:15:12,988 --> 00:15:14,326 - No argument here. - Fine. 311 00:15:14,426 --> 00:15:15,143 Great. 312 00:15:15,483 --> 00:15:18,489 Welcome, to our fraternity of non-paternity. 313 00:15:19,934 --> 00:15:21,301 He is one of us. 314 00:15:24,559 --> 00:15:25,503 Gentlemen, 315 00:15:25,751 --> 00:15:26,629 Mr. Li, 316 00:15:27,256 --> 00:15:29,144 if you would all please open to page five 317 00:15:29,261 --> 00:15:30,505 of your merger documents. 318 00:15:30,605 --> 00:15:32,246 I think that you... 319 00:15:36,497 --> 00:15:37,591 What is it, Eriksen? 320 00:15:37,806 --> 00:15:38,643 Nothing. 321 00:15:39,323 --> 00:15:41,665 I just think that you look... 322 00:15:41,765 --> 00:15:43,019 very nice today. 323 00:15:54,131 --> 00:15:56,120 What are you looking at? 324 00:15:56,220 --> 00:15:58,633 I am looking at the future... 325 00:16:00,001 --> 00:16:01,812 of our two companies, and 326 00:16:01,912 --> 00:16:03,467 it looks very... 327 00:16:04,437 --> 00:16:05,279 naked. 328 00:16:06,206 --> 00:16:09,036 Would you excuse me just for a brief second? 329 00:16:12,861 --> 00:16:15,164 Did anyone else see the drunk chick? 330 00:16:16,824 --> 00:16:18,680 Hey, you guys didn't have to... 331 00:16:19,213 --> 00:16:21,647 It's a picture of me with no kids. 332 00:16:21,974 --> 00:16:24,066 And there's macaroni glued on the frame. 333 00:16:24,166 --> 00:16:25,325 Guys, I love it. 334 00:16:26,333 --> 00:16:28,140 Well, Lily's not in there. 335 00:16:28,240 --> 00:16:30,992 Your phone rang. I answered it. I hope you don't mind. 336 00:16:31,092 --> 00:16:33,602 - Marshall's got Lily. She's fine. - Oh, thank God. 337 00:16:35,863 --> 00:16:36,625 What? 338 00:16:38,069 --> 00:16:39,789 When I was putting your phone back, and... 339 00:16:39,878 --> 00:16:42,049 - I found something in your bag. - I have a permit for that. 340 00:16:42,149 --> 00:16:44,647 - And the other thing was a gift. - No 341 00:16:45,472 --> 00:16:46,253 This. 342 00:16:48,332 --> 00:16:49,913 You stole Jeremy's sock. 343 00:16:50,013 --> 00:16:51,194 No, I didn't. 344 00:16:51,294 --> 00:16:55,327 I don't know how that got in there. It must've fallen in. Weird! 345 00:16:55,497 --> 00:16:58,562 - "Fallen in"? - Or Lily put it in there as a joke. 346 00:16:58,661 --> 00:17:00,471 That bitch be drunk. 347 00:17:02,139 --> 00:17:03,345 Okay, I took it. 348 00:17:04,758 --> 00:17:05,790 It's just... 349 00:17:06,241 --> 00:17:07,504 so cute. 350 00:17:08,300 --> 00:17:09,031 Sock. 351 00:17:10,314 --> 00:17:14,107 Robin Scherbatsky, are you warming to the idea of having children? 352 00:17:14,359 --> 00:17:15,062 No. 353 00:17:16,029 --> 00:17:17,142 I don't know. 354 00:17:17,818 --> 00:17:18,959 Maybe someday. 355 00:17:19,201 --> 00:17:22,148 When I'm, like, 70. Science will catch up. 356 00:17:23,534 --> 00:17:24,614 Look, I'm just... 357 00:17:25,059 --> 00:17:28,950 I'm confused lately. I'm unemployed. I'm living on a couch. 358 00:17:29,263 --> 00:17:30,175 Yeah. 359 00:17:30,465 --> 00:17:33,534 It's been a rough couple of months for both of us. 360 00:17:35,344 --> 00:17:37,113 Hey, I have a spare bedroom. 361 00:17:37,213 --> 00:17:39,924 Why don't you stay with me while you look for a place? 362 00:17:40,024 --> 00:17:41,284 - Really? - Yeah. 363 00:17:42,087 --> 00:17:46,143 Thanks, Ted. I already have some leads, so it'll be one week, two weeks tops. 364 00:17:46,542 --> 00:17:49,999 And that's how your Aunt Robin moved in with me. 365 00:17:51,524 --> 00:17:54,226 I'm bored. Let's go dancing. 366 00:17:55,207 --> 00:17:58,520 - Let's rob a liquor store! - Lily, we're not going anywhere, okay? 367 00:17:58,522 --> 00:17:59,755 Whenever we go somewhere when you're drunk, 368 00:17:59,756 --> 00:18:02,199 you always fall asleep as soon as we get in the... 369 00:18:03,389 --> 00:18:05,726 We're going dancing! 370 00:18:05,826 --> 00:18:08,569 We're gonna party all night long! 371 00:18:12,671 --> 00:18:14,642 Can you circle the block a couple times 372 00:18:14,677 --> 00:18:16,829 just to make sure she's really down? 373 00:18:16,949 --> 00:18:17,980 Sure thing. 374 00:18:19,907 --> 00:18:22,123 Latest Not A Father's Day brainstorm, 375 00:18:22,223 --> 00:18:23,762 a pregnancy test, 376 00:18:23,862 --> 00:18:25,555 but instead of a little blue line, 377 00:18:25,655 --> 00:18:27,825 there's a little, blue Barney going like this. 378 00:18:28,614 --> 00:18:32,800 Barney, Not A Father's Day is lame. It's a holiday for losers. 379 00:18:32,900 --> 00:18:34,537 What are you...? What're you talking about? 380 00:18:34,637 --> 00:18:36,353 That's a great group of bros. 381 00:18:36,453 --> 00:18:38,516 Barney, it's the Cheerleader Effect. 382 00:18:38,716 --> 00:18:41,267 No, Ted. That only works for chicks. 383 00:18:41,367 --> 00:18:44,754 Take a good look at each one of those guys individually. 384 00:19:00,512 --> 00:19:04,417 These geniuses are not childless by choice, my friend. 385 00:19:04,617 --> 00:19:06,880 - Good night, Barney. - Good night. 386 00:19:15,073 --> 00:19:16,157 Sock. 387 00:19:20,827 --> 00:19:22,997 Do I smell chocolate chip pancakes? 388 00:19:23,079 --> 00:19:25,380 You smell "Chocolate chip 389 00:19:25,480 --> 00:19:28,756 I'm sorry I was such a drunk idiot" pancakes. 390 00:19:28,856 --> 00:19:30,949 Is there any "Wish I hadn't puked on your shirt" bacon? 391 00:19:31,049 --> 00:19:32,544 There sure is. 392 00:19:32,965 --> 00:19:33,907 Baby... 393 00:19:34,521 --> 00:19:38,467 I'm so sorry about last night. I know I was a mess. I... 394 00:19:38,567 --> 00:19:42,534 I just started freaking out about whether we're ready to be parents. 395 00:19:43,222 --> 00:19:45,730 But you took such good care of me. 396 00:19:45,814 --> 00:19:47,584 I know you're gonna be a great dad. 397 00:19:47,668 --> 00:19:49,558 I don't want to be a dad right now. 398 00:19:49,654 --> 00:19:50,354 What? 399 00:19:51,262 --> 00:19:52,774 Last night, it was just... 400 00:19:52,874 --> 00:19:55,847 Between balancing work and drunk Baby Lily, 401 00:19:55,947 --> 00:19:57,344 it was too much. 402 00:19:57,813 --> 00:19:59,713 I'm just getting started at this job, 403 00:19:59,813 --> 00:20:02,191 and I'm working such long hours, I mean... 404 00:20:02,649 --> 00:20:03,849 Look, I love you. 405 00:20:04,019 --> 00:20:07,698 And I absolutely want to have kids someday. I just... 406 00:20:08,040 --> 00:20:09,648 I want to be ready for it. 407 00:20:11,400 --> 00:20:12,193 Me, too. 408 00:20:12,903 --> 00:20:15,318 And whenever we are ready, 409 00:20:16,197 --> 00:20:18,811 I know you're going to be amazing. 410 00:20:19,201 --> 00:20:20,179 You, too. 411 00:20:24,275 --> 00:20:28,043 Do you want to go have completely protected sex right now? 412 00:20:28,319 --> 00:20:29,096 I do. 413 00:20:29,523 --> 00:20:31,449 Do you want to finish your bacon first? 414 00:20:33,741 --> 00:20:35,520 You are the perfect woman. 415 00:20:42,997 --> 00:20:46,395 And the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon 416 00:20:46,495 --> 00:20:49,160 Little Boy Blue and the Man on the Moon 417 00:20:49,677 --> 00:20:52,709 - When you comin' home, Dad? - I don't know when 418 00:20:52,809 --> 00:20:55,668 We'll get together then, son 419 00:20:55,768 --> 00:20:59,385 I'll know we'll have a good time then. 420 00:21:00,365 --> 00:21:10,365 Advertise your product or brand here contact www.OpenSubtitles.org today