1 00:00:02,828 --> 00:00:04,190 Why do we fight? 2 00:00:04,469 --> 00:00:06,260 What does that thing deep within each of us, 3 00:00:06,360 --> 00:00:09,322 that compels us to settle disagreements with our fists? 4 00:00:09,687 --> 00:00:12,552 Whatever it is, it's there right from the beginning. 5 00:00:13,464 --> 00:00:15,327 - Stop fighting! - Why? 6 00:00:15,726 --> 00:00:17,823 Because it's stupid and juvenile. 7 00:00:17,993 --> 00:00:20,523 We're six. We are stupid and juvenile. 8 00:00:23,999 --> 00:00:26,397 Kids, I've only been in one fight in my life. 9 00:00:26,567 --> 00:00:28,545 And this is the story of how it happened. 10 00:00:28,715 --> 00:00:31,183 Now, as you know, I recently had been left at the altar. 11 00:00:31,353 --> 00:00:33,427 And the worst thing about getting left at the altar? 12 00:00:33,597 --> 00:00:35,933 I mean, aside from actually getting left at the altar, 13 00:00:36,103 --> 00:00:37,432 was what came next. 14 00:00:37,682 --> 00:00:40,924 A steady unrelenting unbearable stream of pity. 15 00:00:41,487 --> 00:00:43,350 Cranberry Gin and tonic. 16 00:00:46,055 --> 00:00:47,280 Scotch and soda. 17 00:00:49,735 --> 00:00:50,709 Thank you. 18 00:00:53,976 --> 00:00:55,315 Could I see a menu? 19 00:00:57,159 --> 00:00:59,107 I'm going to go get you a menu... 20 00:00:59,347 --> 00:01:00,691 but I promise you 21 00:01:01,299 --> 00:01:02,712 I will come back. 22 00:01:05,890 --> 00:01:08,068 We have to start going someplace else. 23 00:01:08,266 --> 00:01:09,868 At this bar, I'm always going to be 24 00:01:09,968 --> 00:01:13,060 the guy who got left at the altar. That sucks! 25 00:01:13,160 --> 00:01:14,339 Good times. 26 00:01:15,106 --> 00:01:16,842 - We lost Barney. - What do you mean? 27 00:01:16,942 --> 00:01:19,146 There's a girl over there in a tight red sweater. 28 00:01:19,316 --> 00:01:21,354 So he's not listening to a word anyone's saying. 29 00:01:21,454 --> 00:01:22,447 Right, Barney? 30 00:01:22,547 --> 00:01:23,838 Give me a break! 31 00:01:23,938 --> 00:01:25,369 See, he figured out a while back 32 00:01:25,469 --> 00:01:27,021 he could fake an entire conversation 33 00:01:27,121 --> 00:01:29,948 just by saying titles of black sitcoms from the 70's and 80's. 34 00:01:30,048 --> 00:01:31,297 What's happening? 35 00:01:32,709 --> 00:01:34,697 Want to go upstairs and do stuff to me 36 00:01:34,797 --> 00:01:36,486 that I won't even let Marshall do? 37 00:01:37,150 --> 00:01:39,189 Different strokes. 38 00:01:41,104 --> 00:01:42,361 What the hell is this? 39 00:01:42,531 --> 00:01:44,242 I've told you kids about Doug, right? 40 00:01:44,412 --> 00:01:46,126 I haven't? Oh, well... 41 00:01:46,835 --> 00:01:48,884 Doug Martin was a bartender at MacLaren's. 42 00:01:49,024 --> 00:01:50,657 He was always kind of around. 43 00:01:50,757 --> 00:01:52,654 - Have... you met Ted? - What? 44 00:01:52,754 --> 00:01:54,394 We're not playing "Have you met Ted?". 45 00:01:54,494 --> 00:01:55,447 Am I dead? 46 00:01:56,116 --> 00:01:57,052 Am I dead? 47 00:01:57,570 --> 00:01:58,611 Tonight... 48 00:01:59,223 --> 00:02:00,686 I pick up a lesbian. 49 00:02:00,856 --> 00:02:03,543 Anyway, three things you need to know about Doug. 50 00:02:03,713 --> 00:02:06,226 The first thing is that Doug had a bit of a violent streak. 51 00:02:06,326 --> 00:02:08,077 crumbled, so he's on the ground, right? 52 00:02:08,177 --> 00:02:11,383 And we're just kicking him! He's making that face, all shaking. 53 00:02:12,374 --> 00:02:15,312 So, anyway, what we did was we left him there. 54 00:02:16,268 --> 00:02:17,295 Top you off? 55 00:02:18,435 --> 00:02:21,304 The second thing is that he was weird about his hair. 56 00:02:22,342 --> 00:02:23,105 What? 57 00:02:23,531 --> 00:02:24,306 What? 58 00:02:24,799 --> 00:02:26,478 Are you looking at my hair? 59 00:02:26,896 --> 00:02:28,552 No, sir. I was not. 60 00:02:29,551 --> 00:02:30,676 It's a toupee. 61 00:02:32,327 --> 00:02:34,229 Is that funny? You want to laugh it up? 62 00:02:34,372 --> 00:02:35,622 Is it funny, guy? Is it? 63 00:02:35,722 --> 00:02:37,459 I'll tell you what, why don't you grab it? 64 00:02:37,559 --> 00:02:39,052 - Excuse me? - Go ahead, grab it. 65 00:02:39,152 --> 00:02:41,081 Grab it right off my head. Go ahead. 66 00:02:41,727 --> 00:02:43,391 You don't want to grab it? Come on. 67 00:02:43,561 --> 00:02:45,024 Come on, go ahead and grab it. 68 00:02:45,194 --> 00:02:48,467 Want to grab it off my head? Grab my toupee right off my head. 69 00:02:53,882 --> 00:02:55,430 I like you guys! 70 00:02:56,220 --> 00:02:59,493 But the third thing is that he was very loyal to his regulars. 71 00:02:59,767 --> 00:03:02,514 There they are! Hey, you guys want your booth? 72 00:03:02,914 --> 00:03:04,325 We're fine over here. 73 00:03:04,495 --> 00:03:06,004 Maybe a little too loyal. 74 00:03:06,104 --> 00:03:07,466 No, it's fine. 75 00:03:07,636 --> 00:03:09,872 Okay, you two lovebirds! Let's take this somewhere else... 76 00:03:10,012 --> 00:03:11,264 booth's reserved. 77 00:03:11,943 --> 00:03:13,680 Let's go! Now! Come on! 78 00:03:13,809 --> 00:03:15,560 Let's see some hustle, Father. Up you get. 79 00:03:15,660 --> 00:03:17,996 Okay, guys, here we are! 80 00:03:18,166 --> 00:03:19,446 So, that's Doug. 81 00:03:19,682 --> 00:03:21,064 What the hell is this? 82 00:03:21,540 --> 00:03:23,082 Some guys are sitting in our booth. 83 00:03:23,182 --> 00:03:25,224 But you know what? This is fine. 84 00:03:28,183 --> 00:03:30,055 Let's go, I'll take care of it. 85 00:03:30,404 --> 00:03:32,295 Oh boy, there he goes. 86 00:03:39,835 --> 00:03:42,141 Ladies, if you'll please adjourn to your usual booth. 87 00:03:42,311 --> 00:03:44,603 Gentlemen, I will require your assistance outside. 88 00:03:44,746 --> 00:03:45,996 Our assistance with what? 89 00:03:46,096 --> 00:03:48,364 We're going to go out in the alley and fight those guys. 90 00:03:49,003 --> 00:03:50,267 What's happening now? 91 00:03:51,260 --> 00:03:53,760 Sync by vNaru 92 00:04:04,756 --> 00:04:06,571 I'm sorry, did you just say we were gonna... 93 00:04:06,671 --> 00:04:09,096 Those guys are being inconsiderate, okay? 94 00:04:09,266 --> 00:04:10,478 So we're going to go outside 95 00:04:10,648 --> 00:04:13,472 and cave in their skulls, okay? This will be fun! 96 00:04:16,341 --> 00:04:18,213 He wants us to fight? Like... 97 00:04:18,383 --> 00:04:20,219 Like, with our hands and stuff? 98 00:04:20,389 --> 00:04:23,047 And feet maybe? I don't know what the rules are. 99 00:04:23,563 --> 00:04:25,875 A fight. Should we go out there? 100 00:04:26,101 --> 00:04:26,923 Come on, Ted. 101 00:04:27,093 --> 00:04:29,041 There's only three things you'll ever see me fight: 102 00:04:29,211 --> 00:04:31,101 The stubborn clasp of a bra, 103 00:04:31,491 --> 00:04:34,101 sexual harassment charges... nine for nine... 104 00:04:35,452 --> 00:04:38,986 And the urge to vomit when I see someone wearing brown shoes 105 00:04:39,094 --> 00:04:40,510 with a black suit. 106 00:04:42,844 --> 00:04:45,489 Dude, fighting is for losers. We're civilized guys. 107 00:04:45,595 --> 00:04:48,409 Civilized guys don't fight. Unless it's with lightsabers. 108 00:04:48,511 --> 00:04:50,389 But that's like three to five years away, so... 109 00:04:50,559 --> 00:04:52,041 Well, that's not true. 110 00:04:52,263 --> 00:04:54,047 Robin, I'm on the forums every day. 111 00:04:54,147 --> 00:04:55,571 Three to five Thanksgivings from now, 112 00:04:55,671 --> 00:04:58,293 I'm going to be carving the turkey with Old Green. 113 00:04:59,391 --> 00:05:01,905 No, I'm saying there are plenty of legitimate reasons 114 00:05:02,019 --> 00:05:04,221 to get in a fight... it might not be pretty, 115 00:05:04,391 --> 00:05:07,089 but in certain situations, you gotta do what you gotta do. 116 00:05:07,191 --> 00:05:09,858 Right, I forgot. She thinks fighting's sexy. 117 00:05:10,248 --> 00:05:12,336 No, I do not! A lot... 118 00:05:13,764 --> 00:05:15,652 Look, I come from a culture of hockey players. 119 00:05:15,752 --> 00:05:19,538 If a guy can throw down, it's somewhat way hot. 120 00:05:20,236 --> 00:05:22,212 And scars, hello! 121 00:05:22,382 --> 00:05:24,640 If a guy's got a scar, he's got a Robin. 122 00:05:24,810 --> 00:05:27,474 And if he's missing teeth? I'm missing my pants. 123 00:05:29,118 --> 00:05:31,014 I'm missing my wisdom teeth. 124 00:05:31,914 --> 00:05:33,432 Outpatient procedure. 125 00:05:33,690 --> 00:05:36,924 Local anesthesia. Whatever. It ain't a thing. 126 00:05:38,379 --> 00:05:39,938 Maybe we should go out there. 127 00:05:40,108 --> 00:05:43,196 I can't believe we're even having this discussion. 128 00:05:43,813 --> 00:05:46,705 You're 30, you're too old to act like this. 129 00:05:46,875 --> 00:05:50,016 I was 30 and in those 30 years I'd been punched once. 130 00:05:50,535 --> 00:05:52,719 There's a very simple explana... 131 00:05:53,283 --> 00:05:54,609 There was that thing at camp. 132 00:05:54,729 --> 00:05:57,755 Today, we're going to braid friendship bracelets. 133 00:05:58,805 --> 00:06:01,133 In college, I studied some Kung Fu. 134 00:06:06,965 --> 00:06:09,113 And well, there was some other stuff. 135 00:06:13,267 --> 00:06:15,389 The thing with the goat wasn't for another few months. 136 00:06:15,866 --> 00:06:17,636 The point is, I had never been in a fight. 137 00:06:17,806 --> 00:06:19,096 I'm going out there. 138 00:06:19,468 --> 00:06:20,344 Dude, listen to me, 139 00:06:20,514 --> 00:06:23,086 please, trust me, I've been in plenty of fights. It's... 140 00:06:23,256 --> 00:06:24,954 really nothing to be proud of. 141 00:06:25,124 --> 00:06:27,030 Who did you get in a fight with? 142 00:06:27,498 --> 00:06:28,548 My brothers. 143 00:06:30,642 --> 00:06:34,062 I'm sure that was quite a rumble in the Eriksen rumpus room. 144 00:06:35,214 --> 00:06:38,514 - I love brotherly horseplay! - Here comes the tickle monster! 145 00:06:38,838 --> 00:06:40,266 Noogie patrol! 146 00:06:41,322 --> 00:06:43,740 Wait, wait, wait! Timesies! Timesies! 147 00:06:44,592 --> 00:06:45,624 Cocoa break. 148 00:06:49,736 --> 00:06:50,864 Cocoa break. 149 00:06:53,039 --> 00:06:54,491 It's clobbering time. 150 00:06:54,661 --> 00:06:56,032 Ted, don't do this. 151 00:06:56,202 --> 00:06:58,970 You're a nice guy. That's your best quality. 152 00:06:59,140 --> 00:06:59,952 Is it? 153 00:07:00,052 --> 00:07:02,536 'Cause I seem to rember this nice guy getting dumped by his fiancée 154 00:07:02,636 --> 00:07:04,274 for a Tae Kwon Do instructor. 155 00:07:04,593 --> 00:07:06,397 Look, this may sound crazy, but I... 156 00:07:06,497 --> 00:07:07,741 I think I need to do this. 157 00:07:07,841 --> 00:07:10,380 I think this is an experience I need to have. 158 00:07:11,122 --> 00:07:12,079 I'm going. 159 00:07:16,327 --> 00:07:17,271 Me, too! 160 00:07:19,902 --> 00:07:20,728 Guys... 161 00:07:20,992 --> 00:07:22,593 take a good look at this face, 162 00:07:22,693 --> 00:07:24,167 because the next time you see it, 163 00:07:24,267 --> 00:07:27,425 it will be disfigured in the hottest possible way. 164 00:07:27,925 --> 00:07:30,527 Because that's who I am... I'm a man. 165 00:07:31,122 --> 00:07:34,516 I like to fight and mix it up and get all dirty. 166 00:07:35,728 --> 00:07:38,003 Can you find a wood hanger for this? 167 00:07:42,744 --> 00:07:44,993 - What happened here? - I know, right? 168 00:07:45,163 --> 00:07:47,404 Who's not looking at my toupee now? 169 00:07:47,641 --> 00:07:49,203 Look what we did to these guys! 170 00:07:49,303 --> 00:07:50,704 - "We?" - Yeah, "we." 171 00:07:50,804 --> 00:07:52,705 Come on, man, we're a good team. 172 00:07:52,950 --> 00:07:54,486 Nice work boys! We did it! 173 00:07:54,656 --> 00:07:57,278 No you did it. We didn't do anything. 174 00:07:59,195 --> 00:08:01,590 Sure, I just beat up three guys by myself. 175 00:08:02,037 --> 00:08:04,965 You guys. That's good. You and you... 176 00:08:06,304 --> 00:08:07,903 free drinks for life. 177 00:08:12,454 --> 00:08:14,250 He thinks we were in this fight with him. 178 00:08:14,420 --> 00:08:16,642 We were in this fight with him. 179 00:08:17,050 --> 00:08:19,119 And now we are going to go in there and tell everyone 180 00:08:19,219 --> 00:08:22,124 the legendary tale of how we beat up some guys. 181 00:08:22,224 --> 00:08:23,977 And everyone is going to think it's great 182 00:08:24,077 --> 00:08:25,920 and everyone is going to sleep with me again. 183 00:08:26,044 --> 00:08:28,531 Dude, come on, no one is gonna believe we were in a fight... 184 00:08:28,631 --> 00:08:30,575 - look at us. - That's a good... 185 00:08:31,983 --> 00:08:33,125 What are you doing? 186 00:08:33,225 --> 00:08:34,976 What I should've done a long time ago. 187 00:08:35,076 --> 00:08:36,293 - What? - I don't know, 188 00:08:36,393 --> 00:08:39,955 I just hit myself in the eye! I don't even know what I'm saying... 189 00:08:40,863 --> 00:08:42,939 I throw an awesome right hook, by the way. 190 00:08:43,109 --> 00:08:44,079 Okay, are you ready? 191 00:08:44,249 --> 00:08:46,023 - To go back in? - No, for this. 192 00:08:48,879 --> 00:08:50,706 God! You just punched me in the nose! 193 00:08:50,876 --> 00:08:52,686 - Are you crying? - Yes, I'm crying! 194 00:08:52,787 --> 00:08:54,692 You just punched me in the nose! 195 00:08:55,176 --> 00:08:57,864 That's going to swell up real good. You're going to look like Owen Wilson. 196 00:08:57,964 --> 00:08:59,186 Let's get back in there. 197 00:08:59,286 --> 00:09:01,921 Okay, but just, let's just play this down, okay? 198 00:09:02,021 --> 00:09:04,344 I don't want this to turn into a big thing. 199 00:09:05,328 --> 00:09:06,730 And Ted comes and takes his shoe off! 200 00:09:06,840 --> 00:09:08,360 Hits him in the mouth... 201 00:09:08,530 --> 00:09:11,453 Hey, there they are! The guys that got my back! 202 00:09:24,393 --> 00:09:27,072 You two got in a fight. Really? 203 00:09:27,751 --> 00:09:29,573 Barney punched me and himself in the face 204 00:09:29,673 --> 00:09:31,492 to make it look like we got in a fight. 205 00:09:31,592 --> 00:09:33,155 Come on, Marshall! 206 00:09:34,396 --> 00:09:35,643 Look at your eye. 207 00:09:36,061 --> 00:09:37,789 You look like a badass. 208 00:09:38,576 --> 00:09:41,259 I'm surprised to see you had it in me. You. 209 00:09:41,720 --> 00:09:43,064 Had it in you. 210 00:09:44,135 --> 00:09:45,176 Do you... 211 00:09:46,039 --> 00:09:47,392 want to touch it? 212 00:09:51,194 --> 00:09:52,840 Oh, my God, it's warm! 213 00:09:54,472 --> 00:09:56,462 Hey! Victory drinks! 214 00:09:57,451 --> 00:10:01,293 Free! Free! Free! Free! 215 00:10:01,793 --> 00:10:02,859 $7.50. 216 00:10:04,044 --> 00:10:05,273 Why do I have to pay? 217 00:10:05,443 --> 00:10:07,075 'Cause you don't got my back. 218 00:10:07,738 --> 00:10:09,807 - These guys got my back. - You know what, Doug? 219 00:10:09,907 --> 00:10:11,418 I will gladly pay. And you know why? 220 00:10:11,518 --> 00:10:12,963 Because that's what grownups do. 221 00:10:13,133 --> 00:10:15,639 They pay for their drinks, and they don't get into fights. 222 00:10:15,739 --> 00:10:18,350 You know what I was doing, while you guys were out there being immature? 223 00:10:18,450 --> 00:10:20,488 - I'll tell you what I was doing. - Your nails? 224 00:10:21,761 --> 00:10:23,470 - I was doing... - The relationship quiz 225 00:10:23,570 --> 00:10:25,470 in this month's Cosmo? 226 00:10:25,819 --> 00:10:27,500 - I was doing... - Your best not to cry 227 00:10:27,600 --> 00:10:30,752 when Big came back for Carrie at the end of the Sex and the Citymovie? 228 00:10:30,922 --> 00:10:32,262 Spoilers much? 229 00:10:32,972 --> 00:10:35,603 - I'll tell you what I was doing... - The captain of the football team 230 00:10:35,703 --> 00:10:37,232 because he gave you his promise ring 231 00:10:37,332 --> 00:10:40,428 and you look so pretty in your open back Homecoming dress? 232 00:10:42,996 --> 00:10:43,802 Sorry. 233 00:10:45,562 --> 00:10:47,007 I hate those guys! 234 00:10:47,285 --> 00:10:49,906 Acting like they're the manliest guys in the universe, 235 00:10:50,076 --> 00:10:52,596 like they're Crocodile Dundee and David Hasselhoff. 236 00:10:53,038 --> 00:10:55,012 Those are the manliest guys in the universe? 237 00:10:55,112 --> 00:10:57,885 I don't understand why they're getting all this attention. I mean, 238 00:10:58,055 --> 00:10:59,786 I'm the real hero here. 239 00:10:59,956 --> 00:11:01,771 - Yeah, you are. - I'm serious, woman. 240 00:11:01,871 --> 00:11:03,523 Put it back in your pants. 241 00:11:06,060 --> 00:11:08,903 You're the man every boy should grow up to become 242 00:11:09,003 --> 00:11:11,041 and every girl should marry. 243 00:11:12,186 --> 00:11:13,262 You know what? 244 00:11:13,432 --> 00:11:15,871 I have two kids in my class who won't stop fighting. 245 00:11:16,041 --> 00:11:17,846 If you come to school tomorrow and 246 00:11:17,971 --> 00:11:20,684 tell them your story of choosing the path of nonviolence, 247 00:11:20,854 --> 00:11:22,815 it might really set them straight. 248 00:11:22,985 --> 00:11:26,139 And save me having to get up early to make a lesson plan. 249 00:11:27,056 --> 00:11:28,016 All right. 250 00:11:29,298 --> 00:11:30,566 I'll set them straight. 251 00:11:30,796 --> 00:11:32,802 - You're a wuss. - What? 252 00:11:34,467 --> 00:11:37,904 Mahatma Panda and Martin Luther Koala are telling you kids this story 253 00:11:38,005 --> 00:11:40,808 - to illustrate... - To illustrate that you're a wuss? 254 00:11:41,154 --> 00:11:43,273 Why didn't you just fight those guys? 255 00:11:43,443 --> 00:11:45,865 - Were you scared? - What? 256 00:11:47,940 --> 00:11:49,462 I wasn't scared! 257 00:11:49,798 --> 00:11:51,531 I've been in plenty of fights, okay? 258 00:11:51,656 --> 00:11:52,861 You're huge! 259 00:11:53,031 --> 00:11:55,387 You must weigh like a thousand pounds. 260 00:11:57,566 --> 00:12:00,657 First of all, I'm wearing a baggy sweater, 261 00:12:00,906 --> 00:12:03,090 and it has horizontal stripes. 262 00:12:03,260 --> 00:12:05,109 And I also... and I had a salty lunch... 263 00:12:05,279 --> 00:12:07,398 And so I'm retain... You know what? Shut up! 264 00:12:07,498 --> 00:12:08,440 Wuss! 265 00:12:16,215 --> 00:12:16,960 So, 266 00:12:17,430 --> 00:12:19,369 you just beat those guys up? 267 00:12:19,767 --> 00:12:20,580 Just? 268 00:12:22,306 --> 00:12:24,850 Amanda, were it so simple. You see, 269 00:12:25,340 --> 00:12:27,615 hand to hand combat is about so much more than just 270 00:12:27,785 --> 00:12:30,373 administering brute force on your opponent, right B? 271 00:12:30,543 --> 00:12:33,152 - You know it! - It's a science. 272 00:12:34,148 --> 00:12:36,251 The sweet science, as it were. 273 00:12:36,511 --> 00:12:39,746 Wait, I'm confused, what did those guys do to deserve it? 274 00:12:40,076 --> 00:12:42,338 Well, this may sound petty, 275 00:12:43,586 --> 00:12:45,686 - but they sat in our booth. - They sat in our booth. 276 00:12:45,856 --> 00:12:47,518 - And nobody... - Nobody. 277 00:12:47,688 --> 00:12:49,042 Sits in our booth. 278 00:12:53,296 --> 00:12:55,593 Are you going to beat those guys up? 279 00:12:59,788 --> 00:13:02,402 Yes, we are going to beat those guys up. Ted, come on. 280 00:13:06,105 --> 00:13:08,355 You two. Our booth. 281 00:13:08,525 --> 00:13:11,337 - Get out. Now! - What are you doing? 282 00:13:11,507 --> 00:13:13,238 Relax, we got Doug. Big Doug's got our backs. 283 00:13:13,338 --> 00:13:15,146 Yeah, Doug's not here tonight. 284 00:13:15,656 --> 00:13:16,781 Can I get you guys anything? 285 00:13:16,951 --> 00:13:18,918 Drinks? Cash? Those two girls over there? 286 00:13:19,856 --> 00:13:21,274 Are you Ted Mosby? 287 00:13:22,706 --> 00:13:25,211 - Yeah, I am. - And you're Barney Stinson? 288 00:13:25,381 --> 00:13:26,761 They've heard of us. 289 00:13:27,069 --> 00:13:31,359 It's cool, guys. We'll let you leave with your asses unkicked. 290 00:13:31,659 --> 00:13:34,375 This time. A'ight? 291 00:13:35,913 --> 00:13:38,678 - What's... what's this? - You've been served. 292 00:13:38,848 --> 00:13:40,732 You're being sued for assault. 293 00:13:41,433 --> 00:13:42,858 Enjoy your booth. 294 00:13:48,798 --> 00:13:50,111 That was close. 295 00:13:54,637 --> 00:13:57,105 Assault! They're suing us for assault! 296 00:13:57,226 --> 00:13:59,528 Okay, well, what's the penalty for assault? 297 00:13:59,665 --> 00:14:01,304 What, do I have to pay a fine? 298 00:14:01,474 --> 00:14:02,817 Pick up trash on the highway? 299 00:14:02,917 --> 00:14:05,220 'Cause I've done that before, know what I mean? 300 00:14:05,515 --> 00:14:06,533 I don't know. 301 00:14:06,633 --> 00:14:07,729 Actually, he did know 302 00:14:07,829 --> 00:14:10,363 that the worst we were looking at was a small civil settlement, 303 00:14:10,479 --> 00:14:12,082 and probably no criminal charges. 304 00:14:12,252 --> 00:14:13,748 But he was really pissed at us. 305 00:14:13,868 --> 00:14:16,992 I mean, you guys could be looking at some serious prison time. 306 00:14:17,213 --> 00:14:19,331 - Prison? - I can't go to prison! 307 00:14:19,897 --> 00:14:21,734 I mean, I could get a lot of reading done, 308 00:14:21,834 --> 00:14:23,793 finally write some short stories. 309 00:14:24,008 --> 00:14:25,306 Work out all the time. 310 00:14:25,414 --> 00:14:27,872 Seriously, if I don't come out of there completely ripped... 311 00:14:27,972 --> 00:14:29,910 We can't go to prison! 312 00:14:30,080 --> 00:14:32,067 People get shivved in the joint! 313 00:14:33,075 --> 00:14:35,264 Plus the meals are really starchy. 314 00:14:35,832 --> 00:14:39,641 Well, you guys should have thought of that before you beat up those guys. 315 00:14:41,705 --> 00:14:42,891 What if we didn't? 316 00:14:43,195 --> 00:14:45,078 - Didn't what, Ted? - Didn't beat up those guys. 317 00:14:45,178 --> 00:14:47,119 What if Doug beat up those guys all by himself 318 00:14:47,219 --> 00:14:49,007 - and we didn't do anything? - I knew it! 319 00:14:49,107 --> 00:14:51,029 I knew it! I knew it! I knew it! 320 00:14:51,289 --> 00:14:55,973 - You guys didn't throw a single punch. - Well, I hit Ted and myself, so... 321 00:14:56,073 --> 00:14:59,284 Well, who's the wuss now? 322 00:14:59,454 --> 00:15:00,260 You guys. 323 00:15:00,430 --> 00:15:02,242 Look, can you just help us get out of this? 324 00:15:02,342 --> 00:15:05,149 You know the old expression: If you're not prepared to do the time 325 00:15:05,249 --> 00:15:07,544 don't pretend to do the crime and laugh 326 00:15:07,644 --> 00:15:11,244 and get free drinks and not stand up for your friend who, incidentally, 327 00:15:11,369 --> 00:15:14,310 has been in plenty of fights with his brothers. 328 00:15:16,255 --> 00:15:18,386 Look, you've got to help us out, Marshall. 329 00:15:18,556 --> 00:15:20,716 We're the Three Musketeers! 330 00:15:21,374 --> 00:15:23,729 If I give up Ted, how much time am I looking at? 331 00:15:29,626 --> 00:15:31,339 I've been looking for you. 332 00:15:31,930 --> 00:15:35,020 I got... tickets to this hockey game tonight. It's stupid. 333 00:15:35,510 --> 00:15:36,532 You want to go? 334 00:15:36,702 --> 00:15:39,275 It might go kind of late, so, maybe, after the game 335 00:15:39,375 --> 00:15:40,642 we can grab a drink. 336 00:15:41,043 --> 00:15:43,034 Get this. You know that fight? 337 00:15:43,989 --> 00:15:45,746 These guys faked the whole thing. 338 00:15:53,049 --> 00:15:55,267 I forgot! Tonight is no good. 339 00:15:55,437 --> 00:15:59,397 I can't go to that hockey game tonight, I got that... 340 00:16:18,324 --> 00:16:20,452 Good news... I talked to the guys. 341 00:16:20,622 --> 00:16:22,595 - What guys? - The guys you didn't beat up. 342 00:16:22,765 --> 00:16:24,680 They agreed to drop the lawsuit. 343 00:16:25,104 --> 00:16:26,181 Lawyered. 344 00:16:26,281 --> 00:16:27,882 What? They agreed to drop it? 345 00:16:28,052 --> 00:16:30,769 I just explained that you two are wusses. 346 00:16:31,038 --> 00:16:33,692 We had a good laugh about that. A good long laugh, actually. 347 00:16:33,862 --> 00:16:36,737 I explained how you get a mani/pedi once a month. 348 00:16:37,106 --> 00:16:39,373 Weekly, Wolverine... some of us care. 349 00:16:39,929 --> 00:16:42,371 And how you played the hammer dulcimer 350 00:16:42,471 --> 00:16:44,889 in the Pre-Reformation Dance Society at Wesleyan. 351 00:16:45,225 --> 00:16:46,987 Did you at least tell them we were one of 352 00:16:47,087 --> 00:16:49,850 the premier Medieval chamber groups in the Little Ivies? 353 00:16:50,064 --> 00:16:50,894 I did. 354 00:16:50,994 --> 00:16:52,910 And we all agreed it was much more likely that 355 00:16:53,010 --> 00:16:54,478 one guy beat up the three of them 356 00:16:54,578 --> 00:16:57,411 than that you two had anything to do with it, so... 357 00:16:58,093 --> 00:16:59,081 Wait, so... 358 00:16:59,403 --> 00:17:01,755 - so now they're only suing Doug. - Affirmative. 359 00:17:02,616 --> 00:17:04,115 Angry, irrational, 360 00:17:05,113 --> 00:17:06,078 violent Doug, 361 00:17:06,208 --> 00:17:09,275 who now knows we were the ones who threw him under the bus. 362 00:17:10,380 --> 00:17:11,321 They what? 363 00:17:12,401 --> 00:17:15,307 - Look, Doug, we can explain... - Explain what? 364 00:17:15,631 --> 00:17:18,546 Explain how you stabbed me in the back right to my face? 365 00:17:18,716 --> 00:17:20,017 Robin, I'm scared. 366 00:17:20,420 --> 00:17:21,911 Is Doug seeing anyone? 367 00:17:22,081 --> 00:17:24,481 Are you seeing anyone? You really should. 368 00:17:24,891 --> 00:17:26,690 Doug, look, you don't understand, 369 00:17:26,860 --> 00:17:29,015 you beat up those guys all by yourself. 370 00:17:29,185 --> 00:17:32,492 It's true, all right? They had nothing to do with it. I mean... 371 00:17:33,212 --> 00:17:34,567 look at these two. 372 00:17:36,150 --> 00:17:37,418 It was all Ted! 373 00:17:39,621 --> 00:17:41,760 - Look at this guy. - Yeah, look at me! 374 00:17:41,860 --> 00:17:43,670 He wouldn't last 5 minutes in a fight. 375 00:17:43,770 --> 00:17:45,208 I think I could last at least five... 376 00:17:45,308 --> 00:17:47,894 He's got the muscle definition of linguini. 377 00:17:48,642 --> 00:17:51,233 Linguini with meatballs maybe... check it. 378 00:17:52,897 --> 00:17:54,087 - Look! - Don't. 379 00:17:54,807 --> 00:17:56,657 Okay, you know what, maybe it was 380 00:17:56,757 --> 00:17:59,047 just me. Actually, you know what, that makes a lot of sense. 381 00:17:59,147 --> 00:18:00,515 I tend to black out a lot. 382 00:18:00,615 --> 00:18:03,206 Anyway, look, I always got your back. 383 00:18:03,800 --> 00:18:05,562 All I ask in return is that you got mine. 384 00:18:05,732 --> 00:18:07,021 But you know what? 385 00:18:07,333 --> 00:18:08,361 You don't. 386 00:18:09,119 --> 00:18:10,679 You can't be counted on. 387 00:18:11,841 --> 00:18:13,789 No wonder your fiancée left you. 388 00:18:14,490 --> 00:18:17,747 And here it is, kids, the only fight I've ever been in. 389 00:18:17,917 --> 00:18:20,278 So what can I share about the experience? 390 00:18:22,626 --> 00:18:25,579 Well, for starters, when you punch someone in the face, 391 00:18:26,528 --> 00:18:28,075 it hurts your hand... 392 00:18:29,024 --> 00:18:29,797 a lot. 393 00:18:32,114 --> 00:18:34,240 But what hurts even more than that? 394 00:18:35,178 --> 00:18:35,972 This. 395 00:18:37,338 --> 00:18:39,903 And the next thing I remember was waking up. 396 00:18:41,485 --> 00:18:43,735 I'm all warmed up. Let's do this thing. 397 00:18:44,581 --> 00:18:47,588 Turns out getting in a fight was a terrible idea. 398 00:18:47,881 --> 00:18:49,396 And that's my story. 399 00:18:49,651 --> 00:18:51,347 And what did you learn? 400 00:18:51,624 --> 00:18:55,277 Well, I learned that fighting is bad 401 00:18:56,071 --> 00:18:58,138 and you shouldn't do it ever. 402 00:18:58,738 --> 00:18:59,976 Any questions? 403 00:19:01,850 --> 00:19:03,928 Where do you find these people? 404 00:19:04,098 --> 00:19:07,565 I know! Was there a big sale at the wuss market? 405 00:19:07,735 --> 00:19:08,684 Wuss! 406 00:19:10,636 --> 00:19:13,681 Of course, I didn't tell those kids what really happened. 407 00:19:14,478 --> 00:19:17,677 Okay, I'm all warmed up. Let's do this thing. 408 00:19:19,388 --> 00:19:20,689 What happened? 409 00:19:21,779 --> 00:19:23,009 This happened. 410 00:19:26,625 --> 00:19:28,160 Holy crap! 411 00:19:28,653 --> 00:19:30,632 Turns out Uncle Marshall and his brothers 412 00:19:30,734 --> 00:19:32,960 did a little more than just roughhouse. 413 00:19:39,434 --> 00:19:40,688 Cocoa break! 414 00:19:49,824 --> 00:19:52,140 Marshall looks good. Has he lost weight? 415 00:19:52,310 --> 00:19:53,658 Bitch, don't even. 416 00:19:55,244 --> 00:19:57,090 Kids, I'd love to leave you with the message 417 00:19:57,190 --> 00:19:59,272 that fighting is bad and you shouldn't do it, 418 00:19:59,374 --> 00:20:00,859 but I know that's pointless. 419 00:20:01,029 --> 00:20:02,818 So, I'll leave you with this: 420 00:20:02,988 --> 00:20:05,151 Don't ever get in a fight with Uncle Marshall. 421 00:20:05,321 --> 00:20:07,062 That guy's freaking crazy. 422 00:20:12,766 --> 00:20:14,690 It is so good to be home. 423 00:20:14,790 --> 00:20:17,146 Mom, Lily, fantastic job. 424 00:20:17,620 --> 00:20:20,066 "Good food, good meat, good God, let's eat." Right? 425 00:20:20,236 --> 00:20:22,526 Okay, here we go. Goggles on. 426 00:20:27,990 --> 00:20:30,438 All right, so, you guys pass the plates. 427 00:20:30,608 --> 00:20:32,532 Lily, you want white or dark meat? 428 00:20:32,702 --> 00:20:35,176 Dark! Honey, please be careful. 429 00:20:36,405 --> 00:20:46,405 Someone needs to stop Clearway Law. Public shouldn't leave reviews for lawyers.