1 00:00:06,269 --> 00:00:07,144 Check it: 2 00:00:08,104 --> 00:00:11,148 Three blonde babies drinking bad decision juice at 8:00. 3 00:00:12,597 --> 00:00:13,897 Nice rack radar. 4 00:00:14,524 --> 00:00:17,154 - That's my wife. - No, I got to get going. 5 00:00:17,322 --> 00:00:19,805 Seriously? But they're blonde and drunk. 6 00:00:19,930 --> 00:00:21,116 Isn't that your type? 7 00:00:21,566 --> 00:00:24,161 Maybe I don't have a type, Lily. 8 00:00:24,620 --> 00:00:27,345 God, do you think the male mind is really 9 00:00:27,470 --> 00:00:28,897 that simplistic, 10 00:00:29,022 --> 00:00:31,444 that we all have one favorite type? 11 00:00:31,569 --> 00:00:32,544 Geez. 12 00:00:32,783 --> 00:00:34,004 Asian with some boob. 13 00:00:34,595 --> 00:00:37,007 I'm gonna hit the bathroom, then bail. 14 00:00:37,599 --> 00:00:40,469 Okay, have you guys noticed Barney's been acting weird lately? 15 00:00:40,721 --> 00:00:41,779 Actually, yes. 16 00:00:41,904 --> 00:00:43,952 You know how he always says never buy a girl flowers, 17 00:00:44,077 --> 00:00:46,099 'cause giving her a living thing reminds her babies? 18 00:00:46,267 --> 00:00:48,459 - Sure. - Well, the other day, 19 00:00:48,748 --> 00:00:51,897 I saw him at that flower shop on 82nd buying roses. 20 00:00:52,065 --> 00:00:53,698 - What? - Now that you mention it, 21 00:00:53,823 --> 00:00:56,568 Barney did do something kind of odd at the office yesterday. 22 00:00:57,063 --> 00:00:58,650 Okay, see you Saturday. 23 00:00:58,775 --> 00:01:01,156 I'm thinking brunch, farmer's market, maybe a hike. 24 00:01:01,918 --> 00:01:03,228 I love you, too. 25 00:01:03,353 --> 00:01:04,159 Bye. 26 00:01:05,918 --> 00:01:09,087 I figured he was just talking to some girl he was trying to nail. 27 00:01:09,212 --> 00:01:11,162 Or Ted, but now I don't know. 28 00:01:11,751 --> 00:01:14,901 Wait, do you think it's possible that Barney Stinson 29 00:01:15,422 --> 00:01:16,772 has a girlfriend? 30 00:01:17,698 --> 00:01:18,600 Later. 31 00:01:18,725 --> 00:01:20,842 Wait, Barney, hold on. Where are you going? 32 00:01:21,010 --> 00:01:22,010 Nowhere. 33 00:01:22,565 --> 00:01:24,844 The beach. It's winter. Lazer Tag. 34 00:01:24,969 --> 00:01:26,682 Home. Shut up. You're going somewhere. 35 00:01:28,762 --> 00:01:29,812 Oh, my God. 36 00:01:30,143 --> 00:01:31,520 He's meeting her right now. 37 00:01:35,504 --> 00:01:37,457 - Where is Barney going? - Yeah. 38 00:01:37,582 --> 00:01:39,319 We're not even in Manhattan anymore. 39 00:01:39,614 --> 00:01:40,988 Where's this girl live? 40 00:01:41,156 --> 00:01:44,240 We're talking about a woman who's gotten Barney Stinson to commit. 41 00:01:44,365 --> 00:01:45,865 I'm guessing Narnia. 42 00:01:47,267 --> 00:01:48,483 He's stopping. 43 00:02:01,201 --> 00:02:03,119 - What are you guys doing here? - Where is she? 44 00:02:03,244 --> 00:02:04,970 - Who? - Your girlfriend. 45 00:02:07,784 --> 00:02:10,184 You really don't have a type, do you? 46 00:02:11,968 --> 00:02:13,122 These are my friends. 47 00:02:16,107 --> 00:02:17,070 Guys, 48 00:02:17,195 --> 00:02:18,530 this is Loretta. 49 00:02:18,822 --> 00:02:21,278 - My mom. - It's so nice to meet you. 50 00:02:21,604 --> 00:02:23,447 I feel like I already know you all. 51 00:02:23,752 --> 00:02:26,533 Barney goes on and on about you every day when we talk. 52 00:02:26,701 --> 00:02:29,202 You call your mom every day? 53 00:02:30,637 --> 00:02:31,637 Mom! 54 00:02:33,249 --> 00:02:35,331 So that's what you were being all secretive about? 55 00:02:35,456 --> 00:02:38,420 You didn't want us to know you're a big old mama's boy. 56 00:02:39,158 --> 00:02:42,215 Yep, you got me. Well, guess you guys can leave. 57 00:02:46,890 --> 00:02:48,597 Who are all these people? 58 00:02:52,114 --> 00:02:53,763 I'd like you to meet Betty... 59 00:02:53,888 --> 00:02:54,936 my wife. 60 00:02:57,565 --> 00:02:59,274 And my son Tyler. 61 00:03:00,777 --> 00:03:03,220 ShalimarFox, Arrow 62 00:03:16,084 --> 00:03:19,252 Betty and I are gonna get dinner ready. There'll be plenty for everyone. 63 00:03:19,529 --> 00:03:20,806 But remember you, 64 00:03:20,931 --> 00:03:23,428 only one helping of meatloaf after what Dr. Grossbard 65 00:03:23,553 --> 00:03:26,278 - said about your cholesterol. - This one wants me to live forever. 66 00:03:26,403 --> 00:03:27,135 Guilty. 67 00:03:28,263 --> 00:03:29,930 - I love you. - I love you, too. 68 00:03:30,098 --> 00:03:32,849 - I love you three! - Get out of here, you little scamp! 69 00:03:35,356 --> 00:03:38,438 - So, I'll see you guys back at the bar? - What the hell, Barney? 70 00:03:38,725 --> 00:03:40,585 OK, it's a long story. 71 00:03:41,399 --> 00:03:44,195 As you know, my father had to leave my mom 72 00:03:44,320 --> 00:03:47,322 when I was a baby because he got hired as the host of The Price is Right. 73 00:03:47,707 --> 00:03:50,325 - It was a very good show. - Bob Barker is your father. 74 00:03:50,493 --> 00:03:54,298 She had to raise my brother and me by herself. 75 00:03:54,540 --> 00:03:57,485 And her only wish was for her sons 76 00:03:57,610 --> 00:04:00,168 not to wind up alone, like she was. 77 00:04:00,775 --> 00:04:03,338 Then about seven years ago, she got really sick. 78 00:04:04,017 --> 00:04:06,604 It looked like she wasn't going to make it. 79 00:04:06,729 --> 00:04:09,833 So, I decided to make her wish come true. 80 00:04:10,167 --> 00:04:11,193 Mom. 81 00:04:11,568 --> 00:04:14,005 This is Betty. We're engaged. 82 00:04:14,824 --> 00:04:18,593 I hired an actress to play my fiancée "Betty". 83 00:04:19,211 --> 00:04:20,532 Her real name's Margaret. 84 00:04:20,657 --> 00:04:23,107 She mostly does off-Broadway theater. Wonderful actress. 85 00:04:23,232 --> 00:04:25,024 This close to a Tony. It's all who you know. 86 00:04:25,149 --> 00:04:27,160 It's very political. I shouldn't get into it. 87 00:04:27,285 --> 00:04:28,985 But there's one problem. 88 00:04:29,471 --> 00:04:32,492 Betty has a slight tendency to go off-book. 89 00:04:32,869 --> 00:04:35,534 You see, Mom? I found someone who makes me happy. 90 00:04:35,803 --> 00:04:36,997 Just like you wanted. 91 00:04:37,246 --> 00:04:38,596 That's wonderful. 92 00:04:39,548 --> 00:04:43,211 I just wish I could've stuck around long enough for grandchildren. 93 00:04:44,366 --> 00:04:45,516 I'm pregnant! 94 00:04:50,136 --> 00:04:52,179 And then my mom got better. 95 00:04:53,264 --> 00:04:56,197 Which was miraculous. But it meant that I had to keep "Betty" 96 00:04:56,322 --> 00:04:59,552 around and cast a kid to play my son Tyler. 97 00:05:00,021 --> 00:05:03,231 This is crazy. You actually cast your own son? 98 00:05:03,587 --> 00:05:04,577 For a while, 99 00:05:04,702 --> 00:05:07,402 I got by borrowing/babysitting my neighbor's baby. 100 00:05:07,747 --> 00:05:10,901 And this one Christmas, when my mom was plowed on eggnog, 101 00:05:11,026 --> 00:05:13,739 I got away with a bag of flour and a Chuckie mask. 102 00:05:14,101 --> 00:05:17,037 But eventually, I had to hold auditions. 103 00:05:18,064 --> 00:05:19,064 Four, 104 00:05:19,457 --> 00:05:20,483 eight... 105 00:05:21,443 --> 00:05:24,711 13, you can stay. The rest of you may go. 106 00:05:27,099 --> 00:05:29,883 You said that if I slept with you, my son would get the part. 107 00:05:30,171 --> 00:05:32,427 Apparently, I'm a better actor than your kid. 108 00:05:33,001 --> 00:05:34,971 Bring in the 11:00's! 109 00:05:35,505 --> 00:05:39,105 And that's how the role of Tyler eventually went to... 110 00:05:39,790 --> 00:05:40,790 Grant. 111 00:05:42,364 --> 00:05:44,564 - Come on, Grant seems pretty good. - You think so? 112 00:05:45,817 --> 00:05:47,453 Watch this. Hey, Tyler. 113 00:05:55,368 --> 00:05:56,576 - Grant. - Yeah? 114 00:05:57,867 --> 00:05:59,663 See? It's like amateur hour over here. 115 00:06:00,832 --> 00:06:04,451 Call me crazy, but child actors were way better back in the'80s. 116 00:06:08,461 --> 00:06:10,026 It looks like your mom kept 117 00:06:10,151 --> 00:06:12,505 your childhood bedroom just the way you left it. 118 00:06:12,969 --> 00:06:15,461 That sure is a big poster of The Karate Kid above your bed. 119 00:06:15,586 --> 00:06:17,097 Karate Kid's a great movie. 120 00:06:17,751 --> 00:06:21,706 It's the story of a hopeful young karate enthusiast whose dreams and moxie 121 00:06:21,989 --> 00:06:24,479 take him all the way to the All Valley Karate Championship. 122 00:06:25,137 --> 00:06:28,275 Of course, sadly, he loses in the final round to that nerd kid. 123 00:06:29,444 --> 00:06:32,028 But he learns an important lesson about gracefully accepting defeat. 124 00:06:33,230 --> 00:06:36,088 Wait. When you watch The Karate Kid, 125 00:06:36,213 --> 00:06:38,785 you actually root for that mean blond boy? 126 00:06:38,953 --> 00:06:42,310 No, I root for the scrawny loser from New Jersey 127 00:06:42,435 --> 00:06:44,082 who barely even knows karate. 128 00:06:44,687 --> 00:06:48,628 When I watch The Karate Kid, I root for the karate kid: 129 00:06:48,796 --> 00:06:51,122 Johnny Lawrence from the Cobra Kai dojo. 130 00:06:51,478 --> 00:06:53,550 Get your head out of your ass, Lily. 131 00:06:56,119 --> 00:06:58,722 Okay, I just figured out where I know you from. 132 00:06:59,715 --> 00:07:02,375 I saw you perform at the Disorientation Theater 133 00:07:02,500 --> 00:07:06,438 in Bertolt Brecht's Die Heilige Johanna der Schlachth felast fall. 134 00:07:07,774 --> 00:07:09,566 You were a revelation! 135 00:07:10,598 --> 00:07:12,054 - Really? - Yeah. 136 00:07:12,179 --> 00:07:13,069 Thanks. 137 00:07:13,237 --> 00:07:16,573 I wasn't sure. I mean, the point of Brecht's work, of course, is to... 138 00:07:16,741 --> 00:07:18,575 Alienate the audience. Sure. 139 00:07:18,918 --> 00:07:21,953 Sorry. Brecht-o-phile right here! 140 00:07:23,489 --> 00:07:24,998 You really know your theater. 141 00:07:25,920 --> 00:07:29,358 Lady Theater grabbed my heart early on and she never let go. 142 00:07:30,001 --> 00:07:31,365 Every year at Christmas, 143 00:07:31,490 --> 00:07:34,049 I'd put on a little play for the parents with all the other kids. 144 00:07:34,772 --> 00:07:38,219 Gee whiz, Santa, do you think we can take off in this kind of snow? 145 00:07:38,387 --> 00:07:39,638 Cut! Cut! 146 00:07:40,130 --> 00:07:41,765 Cut! Ricky! 147 00:07:41,933 --> 00:07:44,018 Grandma and Grandpa are gonna be here in half an hour, 148 00:07:44,143 --> 00:07:46,129 and you're still butchering my words. 149 00:07:46,254 --> 00:07:48,688 Looks like I'm gonna have to write, direct and star in this thing. 150 00:07:48,948 --> 00:07:50,948 Give me your elf hat. Go sit. 151 00:07:51,809 --> 00:07:53,693 I always secretly wanted to be an actor. 152 00:07:54,231 --> 00:07:56,571 It's one of those life dreams that just slipped away, I guess. 153 00:07:56,995 --> 00:07:59,616 Listen, if you want, I could give you some tips on acting. 154 00:07:59,882 --> 00:08:01,326 - Really? - I'd love to. 155 00:08:03,378 --> 00:08:05,402 Acting rule number one... 156 00:08:06,136 --> 00:08:08,333 At least someone's still excited about acting. 157 00:08:09,335 --> 00:08:10,251 I miss that. 158 00:08:11,111 --> 00:08:12,837 So, you don't like playing Barney's son? 159 00:08:13,106 --> 00:08:15,507 I hate it. But what can I do? 160 00:08:15,917 --> 00:08:18,629 - The phone just ain't ringing. - I know what you mean. 161 00:08:18,754 --> 00:08:20,169 I'm a newscaster. 162 00:08:20,294 --> 00:08:22,764 But I just had to take a job hosting a local morning show 163 00:08:22,889 --> 00:08:24,891 that airs at 4:30 in the morning. 164 00:08:26,444 --> 00:08:29,610 I just thought I'd be so much further along by this point, you know? 165 00:08:29,735 --> 00:08:30,730 I'm almost 30. 166 00:08:31,052 --> 00:08:32,899 Come on, you still look great. 167 00:08:34,051 --> 00:08:35,568 I love your nose job. 168 00:08:36,229 --> 00:08:37,779 I never had a nose job. 169 00:08:38,139 --> 00:08:39,174 Right. 170 00:08:39,674 --> 00:08:40,751 Me neither. 171 00:08:43,309 --> 00:08:45,704 I can't believe we haven't met you before. 172 00:08:45,872 --> 00:08:48,123 Who knew Barney had such a great mom? 173 00:08:48,291 --> 00:08:49,602 Thanks, dear. 174 00:08:49,727 --> 00:08:53,169 Truth is, I wasn't always the best mother when I was younger. 175 00:08:53,410 --> 00:08:56,006 Don't say that. I'm sure you were great. 176 00:08:56,611 --> 00:08:58,508 Yeah, I was a bit of a whore. 177 00:08:59,256 --> 00:09:00,385 Excuse me? 178 00:09:00,553 --> 00:09:03,013 A whore, dear. A dirty whore. 179 00:09:04,223 --> 00:09:05,348 I'm not proud of it. 180 00:09:06,601 --> 00:09:07,612 But... 181 00:09:07,888 --> 00:09:09,352 still, I had some fun. 182 00:09:10,785 --> 00:09:12,984 There is no thrill equal to... 183 00:09:13,109 --> 00:09:15,930 looking into some guy's eyes and thinking, 184 00:09:16,055 --> 00:09:18,993 "I don't know your name, you don't know mine, but... 185 00:09:20,027 --> 00:09:21,390 "for the next eight minutes, 186 00:09:21,515 --> 00:09:23,738 "we are gonna rock this gas station bathroom 187 00:09:23,863 --> 00:09:25,618 "right off its foundation." 188 00:09:27,079 --> 00:09:30,081 And then just drive off in opposite directions. 189 00:09:32,769 --> 00:09:34,169 Just keep driving. 190 00:09:37,121 --> 00:09:38,301 Barney's mom? 191 00:09:38,426 --> 00:09:39,466 Loretta. 192 00:09:41,118 --> 00:09:43,970 Anyway, that's, that's all in the past now. 193 00:09:44,889 --> 00:09:46,577 I did the best I could, but... 194 00:09:47,538 --> 00:09:50,810 sometimes I wonder how Barney turned out to be so perfect. 195 00:09:52,647 --> 00:09:54,653 You have to tell your mom the truth, okay? 196 00:09:54,778 --> 00:09:56,421 Listen, she is a sweet, 197 00:09:56,546 --> 00:10:00,320 caring, slightly too graphic woman who deserves better. 198 00:10:00,947 --> 00:10:03,156 No way. The truth would kill her. 199 00:10:03,865 --> 00:10:05,233 I don't feel right 200 00:10:05,358 --> 00:10:07,845 about lying to such a kindhearted woman, okay? 201 00:10:08,957 --> 00:10:10,497 She reminds me of my own mother. 202 00:10:12,362 --> 00:10:14,334 - What? - Kindhearted? 203 00:10:14,769 --> 00:10:17,837 Remember in our wedding vows when I said we'd be together forever? 204 00:10:18,798 --> 00:10:22,407 On our way back up the aisle, your mother leaned in and she said, 205 00:10:22,677 --> 00:10:25,929 "Not forever, sweetie. Marshall's going to heaven." 206 00:10:26,715 --> 00:10:29,491 - She was making a joke. - She hates me, Marshall. 207 00:10:29,616 --> 00:10:31,081 But that's okay because... 208 00:10:31,485 --> 00:10:32,310 Never mind. 209 00:10:33,690 --> 00:10:35,647 What were you gonna say? 210 00:10:35,868 --> 00:10:39,049 Nothing. Do you want to go do it in Barney's childhood bedroom again? 211 00:10:39,511 --> 00:10:42,028 - On the race car bed? - Handles great, buddy. 212 00:10:42,930 --> 00:10:46,574 Look, Lily, if today has taught us nothing else, it's that 213 00:10:46,742 --> 00:10:49,244 honesty is important when it comes to family. 214 00:10:50,288 --> 00:10:52,888 Now, whatever you're feeling towards my mother, 215 00:10:53,389 --> 00:10:56,160 we've been together for 12 years, baby. 216 00:10:57,037 --> 00:10:59,546 - I think that I can handle it. - Really? 217 00:11:02,741 --> 00:11:04,056 I hate your mom. 218 00:11:05,560 --> 00:11:06,610 Guess what? 219 00:11:07,096 --> 00:11:08,179 I hate you! 220 00:11:12,022 --> 00:11:13,560 Two minute warning for meatloaf! 221 00:11:13,940 --> 00:11:14,894 Meatloaf? 222 00:11:15,652 --> 00:11:16,938 Tyler no likey! 223 00:11:19,900 --> 00:11:22,028 We have been over this a million times! 224 00:11:22,153 --> 00:11:25,321 - You are not getting a catchphrase! - But it's funny. 225 00:11:27,343 --> 00:11:28,908 I am not afraid to recast. 226 00:11:29,702 --> 00:11:32,280 Now go memorize your lines for the big dinner scene. 227 00:11:34,373 --> 00:11:36,457 Wait. So you wrote the dinner we're about to have? 228 00:11:36,632 --> 00:11:38,255 Just a short script. 229 00:11:38,380 --> 00:11:40,514 Just things that will make my mom happy to hear. 230 00:11:40,639 --> 00:11:41,754 What kind of things? 231 00:11:41,922 --> 00:11:43,756 And I really thought 232 00:11:44,068 --> 00:11:46,092 Barney had forgotten our anniversary. 233 00:11:46,260 --> 00:11:50,513 So I storm out to the backyard, and there's smoke coming out of my ears. 234 00:11:50,681 --> 00:11:53,474 Nostrils flaring. Her nostrils flare when she gets mad. I love it. 235 00:11:54,231 --> 00:11:56,394 Doing it right now. Doing it right now! 236 00:11:56,976 --> 00:11:58,762 You better stop, mister! 237 00:11:58,887 --> 00:12:01,440 Sorry, sorry, boo bear. Continue. 238 00:12:02,081 --> 00:12:04,110 This is what you're actually like in a relationship. 239 00:12:04,762 --> 00:12:07,218 So I storm out to the backyard and... 240 00:12:08,449 --> 00:12:10,283 candles everywhere... 241 00:12:11,452 --> 00:12:12,619 and a string quartet. 242 00:12:13,788 --> 00:12:16,164 - Can you believe that? - No, not even slightly. 243 00:12:17,111 --> 00:12:19,667 What about my little Ty-Ty. What have you been up to? 244 00:12:20,231 --> 00:12:21,290 Funny story: 245 00:12:21,415 --> 00:12:24,297 just the other night, this little rascal had a nightmare. 246 00:12:24,745 --> 00:12:26,574 When he came in to tell us what it was about, 247 00:12:26,699 --> 00:12:28,441 do you remember what you said, champ? 248 00:12:32,962 --> 00:12:33,962 Page four. 249 00:12:38,072 --> 00:12:41,689 The dinosaur bones in the museum came to life and started chasing me? 250 00:12:41,959 --> 00:12:44,524 Thanks a lot, buddy. I didn't need to sleep tonight. 251 00:12:46,483 --> 00:12:48,465 Tyler said, "My nightmare was 252 00:12:48,590 --> 00:12:51,435 "that you and Mommy didn't know how much I loved you. 253 00:12:51,560 --> 00:12:53,993 "So I wanted to come in and tell you it was this much." 254 00:12:56,665 --> 00:12:58,164 That's so sweet. 255 00:12:58,333 --> 00:13:00,183 We're a sweet happy family. 256 00:13:00,308 --> 00:13:02,896 'm gonna grab some ice cream from the freezer downstairs 257 00:13:03,021 --> 00:13:05,394 and then we'll all hit the sundae bar in the kitchen. 258 00:13:09,591 --> 00:13:11,777 Not a weak link in that scene. 259 00:13:11,902 --> 00:13:13,012 Bravo. 260 00:13:13,181 --> 00:13:16,124 Back off, Barney. You have no idea how hard it is 261 00:13:16,249 --> 00:13:17,767 to do a job that's beneath you. 262 00:13:19,466 --> 00:13:22,187 I really enjoyed your thing about the dinosaur bones. 263 00:13:22,357 --> 00:13:24,399 Can we please stop talking about the dinosaur bones? 264 00:13:26,647 --> 00:13:28,027 Just go eat your sundae. 265 00:13:28,280 --> 00:13:31,041 I can't. I'm lactose-intolerant. 266 00:13:32,282 --> 00:13:34,701 Guess who's not lactose-intolerant? Tyler. 267 00:13:35,720 --> 00:13:37,531 Tyler is gonna go in there 268 00:13:37,656 --> 00:13:40,179 and enjoy every last bite. 269 00:13:40,471 --> 00:13:41,916 Ice cream time, gang. 270 00:13:42,085 --> 00:13:43,085 Yummers! 271 00:13:45,692 --> 00:13:46,546 My God! 272 00:13:49,206 --> 00:13:50,535 Tyler no likey. 273 00:13:51,082 --> 00:13:53,166 You're not getting a catchphrase. 274 00:13:57,849 --> 00:13:59,142 I don't understand. 275 00:13:59,664 --> 00:14:00,664 I do. 276 00:14:03,981 --> 00:14:05,315 Follow my lead. 277 00:14:05,484 --> 00:14:06,484 I've... 278 00:14:07,175 --> 00:14:08,551 been betrayed 279 00:14:08,880 --> 00:14:10,236 by my best friend. 280 00:14:10,404 --> 00:14:12,113 How could you do this, Ted? 281 00:14:13,041 --> 00:14:14,657 Think about poor Tyler 282 00:14:15,363 --> 00:14:17,661 bravely trying to hold back tears. 283 00:14:18,539 --> 00:14:20,971 It's okay, son, you can cry. 284 00:14:23,271 --> 00:14:24,271 Cry! 285 00:14:25,784 --> 00:14:28,338 I don't want my mommy and daddy to get divorced! 286 00:14:33,155 --> 00:14:37,055 What could you possibly have to say for yourself? 287 00:14:38,575 --> 00:14:40,224 Acting rule number one: 288 00:14:40,644 --> 00:14:42,393 "Don't be afraid to improvise." 289 00:14:43,985 --> 00:14:45,835 Was it me who betrayed you, 290 00:14:46,987 --> 00:14:49,008 or you who betrayed me? 291 00:14:49,902 --> 00:14:51,104 I'm sorry. What? 292 00:14:52,112 --> 00:14:53,613 Acting rule number five: 293 00:14:54,002 --> 00:14:56,923 "Invent a rich back story for your character." 294 00:14:57,739 --> 00:14:59,813 November 14th, 1998. 295 00:15:01,102 --> 00:15:03,506 The overnight train to Monte Carlo. 296 00:15:04,876 --> 00:15:06,626 I was in the billiards car 297 00:15:07,190 --> 00:15:09,879 hustling some Algerians out of few thousand dinar, 298 00:15:10,807 --> 00:15:14,040 when you seduced my fiancée! 299 00:15:15,127 --> 00:15:18,263 Who is blind and thought you were me. 300 00:15:20,057 --> 00:15:22,599 What in God's name are you talking about? 301 00:15:23,203 --> 00:15:24,518 Acting rule number eight: 302 00:15:24,934 --> 00:15:26,771 Don't be afraid to get physical. 303 00:15:29,207 --> 00:15:30,951 You know damn well what I'm talking about! 304 00:15:31,121 --> 00:15:32,193 No, I don't! 305 00:15:33,737 --> 00:15:35,143 Yes, you do! And by God, 306 00:15:35,268 --> 00:15:37,801 I'll hear you say it, scoundrel! 307 00:15:39,076 --> 00:15:40,742 Mom, can you give us a sec? 308 00:15:43,509 --> 00:15:46,121 There's chocolate and butterscotch. 309 00:15:46,389 --> 00:15:49,112 There's various kinds of sprinkles and marshmallows. 310 00:15:51,939 --> 00:15:53,423 Have you lost your mind? 311 00:15:54,149 --> 00:15:56,300 You were amazing! 312 00:15:56,565 --> 00:15:59,387 You completely just became that character. 313 00:15:59,555 --> 00:16:01,378 Honestly, I wasn't so much playing Ted 314 00:16:01,503 --> 00:16:03,598 as I was just trying to get out of Ted's way. 315 00:16:04,269 --> 00:16:06,227 What is wrong with you people? 316 00:16:06,395 --> 00:16:08,604 How am I ever gonna explain this to my mother? 317 00:16:08,772 --> 00:16:11,457 Maybe it's time to tell her the truth. 318 00:16:11,984 --> 00:16:14,655 I don't know, Lily. Sometimes, honesty leads people 319 00:16:14,780 --> 00:16:18,406 to say mean things about a woman who always took special care of me 320 00:16:18,531 --> 00:16:20,407 because I was the runt of the family. 321 00:16:21,132 --> 00:16:23,753 For crying out loud, I'm only six-four! 322 00:16:26,947 --> 00:16:28,510 How good was my crying? 323 00:16:28,635 --> 00:16:30,460 You nailed it. See? 324 00:16:30,628 --> 00:16:34,005 Even at a gig you hate, you still managed to love what you do. 325 00:16:34,962 --> 00:16:37,341 Maybe that's how it will be for you at your new job. 326 00:16:37,764 --> 00:16:39,882 - You think so? - I know so. 327 00:16:40,724 --> 00:16:41,924 Thanks, Grant. 328 00:16:42,474 --> 00:16:44,505 You're pretty smart, you know that? 329 00:16:49,613 --> 00:16:50,763 Sorry! Sorry! 330 00:16:51,140 --> 00:16:53,107 Thought I was picking up on something. 331 00:16:54,953 --> 00:16:56,319 Honey, are you okay? 332 00:16:56,737 --> 00:16:59,530 Look, Mom, there's something I have to tell you. 333 00:17:00,406 --> 00:17:02,658 Something I should have told you a long time ago. 334 00:17:08,113 --> 00:17:09,165 Tyler is dying. 335 00:17:10,627 --> 00:17:12,832 And Betty said that when he goes, 336 00:17:12,957 --> 00:17:14,417 she's gonna off herself. 337 00:17:14,784 --> 00:17:17,214 So that's probably all gonna go down pretty soon. 338 00:17:17,383 --> 00:17:18,508 Oh, my God! 339 00:17:20,693 --> 00:17:22,243 None of that is true! 340 00:17:23,053 --> 00:17:24,305 The truth is, I... 341 00:17:27,775 --> 00:17:31,088 The truth is Betty and Tyler are actors 342 00:17:31,213 --> 00:17:33,981 that I hired to pretend to be my family. 343 00:17:34,536 --> 00:17:35,399 What? 344 00:17:35,964 --> 00:17:38,616 I just wanted you to think I had the life 345 00:17:38,741 --> 00:17:41,072 you wanted for me. I wanted you to be proud of me. 346 00:17:42,717 --> 00:17:45,368 I know it sounds crazy, and I am so sorry, Mom. 347 00:17:45,923 --> 00:17:48,037 So Betty is not your wife? 348 00:17:49,975 --> 00:17:51,402 Thank God! 349 00:17:51,719 --> 00:17:53,749 I do not like that woman. 350 00:17:54,779 --> 00:17:56,439 - Really? - Yes. 351 00:17:57,137 --> 00:17:58,611 And Tyler... 352 00:17:59,486 --> 00:18:02,754 I know I'm his grandma and I'm supposed to love him, 353 00:18:03,220 --> 00:18:04,408 but I hate that kid. 354 00:18:04,533 --> 00:18:05,847 "Tyler no likey!" 355 00:18:05,972 --> 00:18:07,764 - What the hell is that? - Right? 356 00:18:08,225 --> 00:18:11,811 Those fake friends of yours out there, I just wanted to shoot myself. 357 00:18:13,160 --> 00:18:15,221 I know! Aren't they horrible? 358 00:18:16,284 --> 00:18:18,233 So really, really, you're not mad? 359 00:18:18,786 --> 00:18:21,988 I'm just confused. I don't know why you thought you had to do this. 360 00:18:23,323 --> 00:18:25,666 Barney, I love you, perfect family or no perfect family. 361 00:18:25,791 --> 00:18:27,618 I love you no matter what. 362 00:18:28,339 --> 00:18:30,217 - Really? - Really. 363 00:18:36,285 --> 00:18:38,352 I am so relieved 364 00:18:38,922 --> 00:18:41,861 because the truth is I am as far from married 365 00:18:41,986 --> 00:18:43,861 as a human being can possibly be. 366 00:18:43,986 --> 00:18:46,804 My history with women would shock and appall you. 367 00:18:47,354 --> 00:18:48,979 Doesn't matter. I still love you. 368 00:18:49,184 --> 00:18:51,641 Seriously, you can't imagine the things I have done. 369 00:18:52,168 --> 00:18:54,733 Barney, when you were three, I left you with a babysitter 370 00:18:54,858 --> 00:18:57,483 and spent three weeks with Grand Funk Railroad 371 00:18:57,608 --> 00:18:59,400 being passed around like a bong. 372 00:19:00,044 --> 00:19:01,044 Mommy! 373 00:19:02,297 --> 00:19:03,671 Just do me a favor. 374 00:19:03,796 --> 00:19:05,922 If you ever do meet someone special, 375 00:19:06,047 --> 00:19:08,293 don't run away from it. Don't be me. 376 00:19:09,024 --> 00:19:10,800 Take a shot at it, will you? 377 00:19:12,832 --> 00:19:13,882 Cab's here. 378 00:19:17,433 --> 00:19:18,433 I'll try. 379 00:19:19,808 --> 00:19:23,384 And so ended one of the strangest afternoons of our lives. 380 00:19:24,593 --> 00:19:26,770 And I just wanted to say to you, 381 00:19:27,005 --> 00:19:29,080 if I ever seemed cold 382 00:19:29,329 --> 00:19:31,834 or unwelcoming, I'm sorry. 383 00:19:32,477 --> 00:19:33,768 Who's she talking to? 384 00:19:33,937 --> 00:19:34,937 My mom. 385 00:19:35,687 --> 00:19:38,997 It would mean a lot to me if you and I could be closer. 386 00:19:40,256 --> 00:19:43,641 Now take a deep breath like this next thing is gonna be hard to say. 387 00:19:46,761 --> 00:19:47,865 I love you. 388 00:19:48,034 --> 00:19:49,184 I love you... 389 00:19:49,993 --> 00:19:50,746 Mom. 390 00:19:52,162 --> 00:19:53,162 Mom. 391 00:19:54,635 --> 00:19:56,123 Now pretend I said something nice. 392 00:19:56,292 --> 00:19:58,001 Now pretend I said something nice. 393 00:19:59,253 --> 00:20:00,253 I mean, 394 00:20:00,499 --> 00:20:03,798 that's very nice of you to say, Judy. 395 00:20:05,572 --> 00:20:07,635 You, too. Speak soon. 396 00:20:15,160 --> 00:20:17,564 Let me get this straight. You're really telling me 397 00:20:17,689 --> 00:20:19,487 that when you watch The Karate Kid, 398 00:20:19,612 --> 00:20:21,190 you don't root for Daniel-san? 399 00:20:23,276 --> 00:20:26,127 - Who do you root for in Die Hard? - Hans Gruber, 400 00:20:26,276 --> 00:20:28,149 charming international bandit. 401 00:20:28,274 --> 00:20:30,024 At the end, he died hard. 402 00:20:30,215 --> 00:20:31,804 He's the title character. 403 00:20:32,338 --> 00:20:34,446 Okay, The Breakfast Club? 404 00:20:35,652 --> 00:20:37,652 The teacher running detention. 405 00:20:38,028 --> 00:20:40,084 He's the only guy in the whole movie wearing a suit. 406 00:20:40,688 --> 00:20:42,716 I got one. Terminator. 407 00:20:43,594 --> 00:20:45,715 What's the name of the movie, Robin? 408 00:20:46,538 --> 00:20:49,157 Who among us didn't shed a tear 409 00:20:49,282 --> 00:20:51,703 when his little red eye went out at the end 410 00:20:51,828 --> 00:20:54,056 and he didn't get to kill those people? 411 00:20:56,033 --> 00:20:57,783 I'm sorry. That movie... 412 00:20:59,131 --> 00:21:01,731 I am never watching a movie with you ever again. 413 00:21:01,899 --> 00:21:03,983 They didn't even try to help him!