1 00:00:03,024 --> 00:00:06,627 Back in 2009, your aunt Robin got a job hosting a morning show. 2 00:00:06,795 --> 00:00:08,712 Which meant she had to get up kind of early. 3 00:00:08,837 --> 00:00:09,675 How early? 4 00:00:11,932 --> 00:00:13,268 Morning, everybody. 5 00:00:15,228 --> 00:00:16,796 So you're actually doing it? 6 00:00:16,921 --> 00:00:19,193 You're actually going to work at 2:00 a.m. 7 00:00:19,361 --> 00:00:21,991 I'm not doing it for me. I'm doing it for the fans. 8 00:00:22,263 --> 00:00:25,331 Who exactly are the fans of a show that airs at 4:00 in the morning? 9 00:00:25,946 --> 00:00:28,170 People getting up to host a show at 5:00 in the morning? 10 00:00:28,758 --> 00:00:30,592 Meth addicts who haven't sold their TVs yet? 11 00:00:31,507 --> 00:00:34,103 Strippers in that messy gray area between getting off work 12 00:00:34,228 --> 00:00:36,057 and getting their kids up for school? 13 00:00:36,182 --> 00:00:37,146 Them's my peeps. 14 00:00:37,689 --> 00:00:39,693 All right, catch me up. What's been going on? 15 00:00:40,278 --> 00:00:42,024 You know, the yoozh. 16 00:00:42,700 --> 00:00:44,327 - Really, the yoozh? - Yes. 17 00:00:44,767 --> 00:00:47,626 Robin, think of the funniest thing that has ever happened. 18 00:00:48,243 --> 00:00:50,289 - Got it. - Now double that. 19 00:00:51,004 --> 00:00:53,261 So a chimpanzee wearing two tuxedos? 20 00:00:55,016 --> 00:00:58,689 Something even funnier than that happens to Marshall today. 21 00:00:58,857 --> 00:01:01,079 First of all, there's nothing funnier than that. 22 00:01:01,204 --> 00:01:02,775 Second of all, look, 23 00:01:03,184 --> 00:01:04,868 it's not that good a story. 24 00:01:05,036 --> 00:01:06,294 Come on, you guys. 25 00:01:06,420 --> 00:01:10,357 You're four young active people living in the most exciting city on earth. 26 00:01:10,759 --> 00:01:12,299 You have no stories for me? 27 00:01:12,468 --> 00:01:14,920 What can I say? Some weeks are just like that. 28 00:01:15,045 --> 00:01:17,247 It's the same thing over and over. 29 00:01:17,583 --> 00:01:19,313 A kid in my class ate some paste. 30 00:01:19,482 --> 00:01:23,284 I used deceitful means to hook up with a less-than-intelligent girl. 31 00:01:23,913 --> 00:01:26,787 My ex-girlfriend Karen moved to town. It's just, it's all the same. 32 00:01:27,747 --> 00:01:29,250 Karen's in town? 33 00:01:29,419 --> 00:01:31,045 You have got to be kidding me! 34 00:01:31,494 --> 00:01:33,509 Kids, I think I've told you about Karen. 35 00:01:34,154 --> 00:01:37,337 She was my girlfriend in high school, and intermittently through college. 36 00:01:37,626 --> 00:01:39,378 She was beautiful, smart. 37 00:01:39,768 --> 00:01:41,480 I was madly in love with her. 38 00:01:41,605 --> 00:01:44,322 The only problem was, Marshall and Lily were not. 39 00:01:44,926 --> 00:01:48,004 I think it had something to do with every time Karen opened her mouth. 40 00:01:48,129 --> 00:01:50,115 I love that you guys live in a dorm. 41 00:01:50,240 --> 00:01:51,687 It's so American. 42 00:01:51,986 --> 00:01:55,386 It's like, let's all eat baloney sandwiches and be racist. 43 00:01:57,258 --> 00:01:59,393 Oh, my God, she was such a douche. 44 00:01:59,518 --> 00:02:02,024 Dude, she was the heiress to the Massengill fortune. 45 00:02:03,570 --> 00:02:06,362 - She really wasn't that bad. - Of course you think that. 46 00:02:06,488 --> 00:02:08,704 She turned you into one of her douche zombies. 47 00:02:09,241 --> 00:02:11,380 I want to eat your brain, 48 00:02:11,505 --> 00:02:13,486 but only if it's organic 49 00:02:13,611 --> 00:02:15,217 and grass-fed. 50 00:02:16,335 --> 00:02:17,263 What? 51 00:02:17,914 --> 00:02:19,434 Will you pass the salt? 52 00:02:19,827 --> 00:02:20,829 Salt? 53 00:02:22,056 --> 00:02:23,108 So bourgeois. 54 00:02:24,278 --> 00:02:25,279 Totally. 55 00:02:28,745 --> 00:02:29,955 What's that thing? 56 00:02:30,749 --> 00:02:32,752 That's... a TV, Karen. 57 00:02:34,824 --> 00:02:36,175 I don't watch TV. 58 00:02:37,345 --> 00:02:38,385 Totally. 59 00:02:39,886 --> 00:02:43,044 You thought I actually bought tickets to WrestleMania? 60 00:02:43,169 --> 00:02:44,621 I was being ironic. 61 00:02:45,705 --> 00:02:46,572 Totally. 62 00:02:47,450 --> 00:02:48,451 I know... 63 00:02:49,196 --> 00:02:51,039 that you were being ironic. 64 00:02:53,099 --> 00:02:54,100 I too... 65 00:02:54,724 --> 00:02:55,969 am being ironic. 66 00:02:57,135 --> 00:02:58,543 Let's do this! 67 00:03:00,744 --> 00:03:01,745 What? 68 00:03:02,313 --> 00:03:04,386 That makeup didn't come off for a month. 69 00:03:04,511 --> 00:03:07,739 I had to meet Lily's parents that way. I've never looked like a bigger jackass. 70 00:03:07,907 --> 00:03:09,859 Until today. Tell the story. 71 00:03:09,984 --> 00:03:11,162 Tell the story... 72 00:03:11,330 --> 00:03:12,707 Just let it go! 73 00:03:12,875 --> 00:03:14,827 Hold on. Is it really funny? 74 00:03:15,951 --> 00:03:17,405 I am not kidding you. 75 00:03:17,530 --> 00:03:20,746 I almost don't want you to hear it, because seriously, 76 00:03:20,871 --> 00:03:22,809 for the rest of your life, 77 00:03:23,251 --> 00:03:25,476 nothing else will ever be as funny 78 00:03:25,601 --> 00:03:29,574 and you will curse yourself for agreeing to ever hear it in the first place. 79 00:03:30,703 --> 00:03:32,682 But seriously, you got to hear it. It's so funny. 80 00:03:33,872 --> 00:03:34,710 Fine. 81 00:03:35,402 --> 00:03:38,626 I was at the company gym this morning playing basketball. 82 00:03:38,751 --> 00:03:41,633 The guys I work with can be pretty brutal with their ridicule. 83 00:03:42,791 --> 00:03:45,670 Look at Wisniewski. He's gonna cry. Look at him. 84 00:03:45,795 --> 00:03:46,692 Look at him. 85 00:03:47,136 --> 00:03:49,701 I don't know, I don't think knees aren't supposed to bend that way. 86 00:03:49,826 --> 00:03:51,618 I think he might have tore his ACL. 87 00:03:51,786 --> 00:03:55,165 Bro, the only thing that guy tore was his cervix or maybe his hymen. 88 00:03:55,290 --> 00:03:57,101 Yeah, or his fallopian tube. 89 00:04:00,347 --> 00:04:03,434 I may have cleaned up the dialogue a little bit, anyways... 90 00:04:03,989 --> 00:04:06,479 I go to my duffle bag to get out my work clothes... 91 00:04:06,604 --> 00:04:09,613 Wait, wait... I want to say it. I want to say it. 92 00:04:09,781 --> 00:04:11,247 Fine. You say it. 93 00:04:11,654 --> 00:04:15,500 Marshall goes to his duffle bag to get out his work clothes, and... 94 00:04:15,807 --> 00:04:17,670 No, you say it. It's funnier if you say it. 95 00:04:18,965 --> 00:04:21,194 No, let me say it. No, you say it. 96 00:04:21,319 --> 00:04:22,680 You say it. Say it. 97 00:04:23,620 --> 00:04:24,621 Same time. 98 00:04:25,771 --> 00:04:27,120 No, you go, you go. 99 00:04:28,694 --> 00:04:31,101 - I forgot... - Marshall forgot his pants! 100 00:04:40,261 --> 00:04:41,681 He forgot his pants. 101 00:04:43,598 --> 00:04:45,993 ShalimarFox, Arrow 102 00:04:58,950 --> 00:05:01,516 Marshall forgot his pants. That's pretty funny. 103 00:05:01,824 --> 00:05:04,334 It's no chimpanzee wearing two tuxedos. 104 00:05:04,622 --> 00:05:08,191 I mean, what did he...? He forgot he put the first one on? 105 00:05:09,756 --> 00:05:11,130 Stupid monkey. 106 00:05:13,157 --> 00:05:15,494 So Karen in New York. Weird, right? 107 00:05:15,662 --> 00:05:18,124 Ted, you cannot get back together with Karen. 108 00:05:18,292 --> 00:05:20,485 I never said I was going to get back together with her. 109 00:05:20,610 --> 00:05:22,262 But I was thinking, she's new in town. 110 00:05:22,388 --> 00:05:24,696 Would it be the worst thing in the world if I gave her a call? 111 00:05:24,821 --> 00:05:26,330 It wouldn't be the worst thing. 112 00:05:26,456 --> 00:05:29,177 It would be the fourth worst thing. 1: Super volcano. 113 00:05:29,302 --> 00:05:31,069 2: An asteroid hits the Earth. 114 00:05:31,194 --> 00:05:33,270 3: All footage of Evel Knievel is lost. 115 00:05:33,396 --> 00:05:35,443 4: Ted calls Karen. 116 00:05:35,568 --> 00:05:37,393 5: Lily gets eaten by a shark. 117 00:05:37,518 --> 00:05:40,085 I'm Lily and I approve the order of that list. 118 00:05:41,255 --> 00:05:42,844 You don't know the whole story. 119 00:05:42,969 --> 00:05:45,449 Ted and Karen were off and on all through college, 120 00:05:45,574 --> 00:05:47,182 and it always went the same way. 121 00:05:48,185 --> 00:05:50,398 They'd be having fun, douching it up, and then one day... 122 00:05:51,425 --> 00:05:54,799 I know you think pepperoni is fascist and you're totally right, so I... 123 00:05:55,434 --> 00:05:57,285 Oh, my God! Karen! 124 00:05:58,557 --> 00:05:59,666 Sorry, bro. 125 00:06:00,919 --> 00:06:02,310 Before you say anything, 126 00:06:02,436 --> 00:06:06,058 I think that you should read Baudelaire's Les Fleurs du Mal. 127 00:06:11,276 --> 00:06:14,686 So then they break up. He would be all depressed, we would wait 128 00:06:14,811 --> 00:06:17,577 the appropriate amount of time then we'd would tell him how we really felt. 129 00:06:18,483 --> 00:06:20,671 - Karen and I broke up. - We hated her! 130 00:06:20,796 --> 00:06:22,334 Bitch had to go! 131 00:06:23,172 --> 00:06:25,389 And then Ted would build up a head of steam 132 00:06:25,514 --> 00:06:29,501 and finally take the bus to Providence to give Karen a piece of his mind. 133 00:06:30,852 --> 00:06:32,848 - How'd it go? - Great. 134 00:06:33,871 --> 00:06:35,158 Look who's back. 135 00:06:39,519 --> 00:06:40,951 And then, sure enough, 136 00:06:41,076 --> 00:06:43,670 the whole thing would start all over again. 137 00:06:44,495 --> 00:06:46,825 Make that 10,002 Maniacs, 138 00:06:46,950 --> 00:06:49,423 because I got us Natalie Merchant tick... 139 00:06:51,164 --> 00:06:52,246 Sorry, bro. 140 00:06:53,810 --> 00:06:56,734 So she would come visit you at school and the second you turned your back 141 00:06:56,859 --> 00:06:59,231 she would bring guys back to your dorm room? 142 00:06:59,356 --> 00:07:00,468 Respect. 143 00:07:00,914 --> 00:07:03,620 I was an idiot. She was my first real girlfriend. 144 00:07:03,745 --> 00:07:07,396 I was madly in love with her. We all did stuff we regret in college. 145 00:07:07,808 --> 00:07:10,239 Junior year Marshall grew a soul patch, 146 00:07:10,364 --> 00:07:13,397 wore a rasta hat, and asked everyone to call him M.J. Smooth. 147 00:07:13,851 --> 00:07:15,910 I don't regret that for one second. 148 00:07:16,851 --> 00:07:19,283 So you guys absolutely don't think I should call her? 149 00:07:19,452 --> 00:07:21,709 - Ted, no. - Get it through your thick skull. 150 00:07:21,834 --> 00:07:23,035 Fine, I won't. 151 00:07:24,347 --> 00:07:26,741 Interesting piece of trivia: I called her. 152 00:07:27,175 --> 00:07:29,344 - What are you doing? - The pants story. 153 00:07:29,513 --> 00:07:31,056 I can't believe you called her. 154 00:07:31,579 --> 00:07:34,021 Why don't you just ask her to lunch while you're at it? 155 00:07:34,189 --> 00:07:37,302 Because, Lily, I'm not gonna ask her out to lunch... 156 00:07:37,987 --> 00:07:38,739 again. 157 00:07:40,159 --> 00:07:42,245 You asked her to lunch? 158 00:07:42,790 --> 00:07:46,045 Why would anyone want to have lunch with their ex? 159 00:07:46,406 --> 00:07:47,462 Glad you asked, 160 00:07:47,587 --> 00:07:50,126 there are four possible motives behind an "ex lunch." 161 00:07:50,251 --> 00:07:52,433 1: They want to get back together. 162 00:07:52,720 --> 00:07:55,104 Like my high school boyfriend Scooter. 163 00:07:56,301 --> 00:07:57,875 Lilies, clever. 164 00:07:58,407 --> 00:08:00,658 I'm sorry I don't have a scooter for you. 165 00:08:01,401 --> 00:08:03,359 My God, that's funny! 166 00:08:03,906 --> 00:08:05,333 I forgot how funny you are. 167 00:08:06,566 --> 00:08:08,715 - Where is that waiter? - Why? 168 00:08:08,951 --> 00:08:11,261 You like waiters? I can be a waiter. 169 00:08:12,219 --> 00:08:14,742 I'm going to be the greatest waiter on this earth, 170 00:08:14,867 --> 00:08:16,230 and then you'll love me. 171 00:08:17,721 --> 00:08:19,825 2: They want to kill you. 172 00:08:20,284 --> 00:08:21,783 Like when I had lunch with Wendy. 173 00:08:22,361 --> 00:08:24,288 I'm glad we could finally do this. 174 00:08:24,653 --> 00:08:26,966 You know, after the ninth time you rescheduled on me, 175 00:08:27,091 --> 00:08:28,505 I almost gave up on you. 176 00:08:28,673 --> 00:08:29,845 But you didn't. 177 00:08:29,970 --> 00:08:31,856 You just kept on trying. 178 00:08:32,601 --> 00:08:33,733 By the way, 179 00:08:34,451 --> 00:08:37,119 there's something I've been meaning to give you. 180 00:08:40,362 --> 00:08:42,011 Gun! She's got a gun! 181 00:08:44,737 --> 00:08:45,935 It's a tie. 182 00:08:46,652 --> 00:08:49,934 3: They actually do want to give you your stuff back. 183 00:08:50,059 --> 00:08:51,760 Like when I had lunch with Curt. 184 00:08:52,279 --> 00:08:54,557 By the way, there's something I've been meaning to give you. 185 00:09:00,830 --> 00:09:03,331 My snub-nosed.38 police special! 186 00:09:03,707 --> 00:09:05,708 I knew I left that somewhere. 187 00:09:06,370 --> 00:09:09,837 Every time I watch the news, I'm like, "Hope that wasn't my gun". 188 00:09:11,537 --> 00:09:13,260 Breaking up was the right choice. 189 00:09:14,838 --> 00:09:18,688 Or 4: to rub your face in how great they're doing. 190 00:09:18,962 --> 00:09:21,235 Like my lunch with Nicole Barsamian. 191 00:09:21,502 --> 00:09:23,698 - Who's Nicole Barsamian? - My ex. 192 00:09:26,317 --> 00:09:27,540 You look well, Marshall. 193 00:09:28,126 --> 00:09:29,627 You look okay, I guess. 194 00:09:31,131 --> 00:09:33,844 - I'm seeing someone. - Already? Who? 195 00:09:34,174 --> 00:09:36,865 Lee Roberts. He reads at a fifth grade level. 196 00:09:41,445 --> 00:09:43,237 You have to cancel the lunch. 197 00:09:43,406 --> 00:09:45,470 I would definitely do that, definitely... 198 00:09:45,595 --> 00:09:46,786 Except I already had it. 199 00:09:48,750 --> 00:09:51,588 Robin, I'm going to need to borrow the butt of your gun. 200 00:09:52,230 --> 00:09:54,941 I actually lost it again. Can you believe that? 201 00:10:00,029 --> 00:10:02,526 How could break bread with that woman? 202 00:10:02,694 --> 00:10:05,114 It was just lunch, and you know she doesn't eat wheat. 203 00:10:06,146 --> 00:10:07,907 We had a great time catching up. 204 00:10:08,032 --> 00:10:11,001 We even laughed about what jerks we were back then. 205 00:10:12,382 --> 00:10:14,926 I can't believe I had a beret for each day of the week. 206 00:10:15,103 --> 00:10:17,043 I can't believe I had an iron-on image 207 00:10:17,168 --> 00:10:18,970 of Molière on my backpack. 208 00:10:20,897 --> 00:10:23,693 - Man, we were pretentious. - So pretentious. 209 00:10:24,906 --> 00:10:26,073 What can I get you? 210 00:10:29,431 --> 00:10:30,807 I don't want to cause a scene, 211 00:10:31,000 --> 00:10:33,576 but your wine list has a Châteauneuf-du-Pape 212 00:10:33,701 --> 00:10:35,759 listed under the "Côtes de Provence". 213 00:10:35,927 --> 00:10:37,763 You might want to alert your sommelier. 214 00:10:39,045 --> 00:10:40,310 And for you? 215 00:10:40,813 --> 00:10:42,213 I hate to go off-menu, 216 00:10:42,338 --> 00:10:45,568 but can you bring us some bruschett with fresh mozzarell? 217 00:10:45,693 --> 00:10:46,447 Grazie. 218 00:10:48,911 --> 00:10:50,537 It was great. It was great. 219 00:10:50,662 --> 00:10:53,043 I mean, there was one weird moment towards the end. 220 00:10:53,211 --> 00:10:55,355 How do you say good-bye in those situations? 221 00:10:55,481 --> 00:10:58,796 A kiss on the cheek is too familiar. A handshake is too formal. 222 00:10:58,921 --> 00:11:01,674 And a hug is just like a public dry hump. 223 00:11:02,889 --> 00:11:04,650 I think you're hugging wrong. 224 00:11:05,741 --> 00:11:07,615 - So what happened? - Well... 225 00:11:07,995 --> 00:11:09,869 Schopenhauer made a saucy little argument 226 00:11:10,234 --> 00:11:11,787 in which he posited... 227 00:11:13,717 --> 00:11:16,841 Ted, honey, I want you to go outside and bite the curb. I'll be out in a minute. 228 00:11:17,874 --> 00:11:20,181 Karen was the first girl I ever loved. 229 00:11:20,852 --> 00:11:22,888 And after the year I've had, 230 00:11:23,013 --> 00:11:25,210 I don't know, I guess having lunch with her just... 231 00:11:25,335 --> 00:11:28,364 remind me of what it was like to be 18 and have my whole life figured out. 232 00:11:29,410 --> 00:11:31,144 And I would like to remind everyone 233 00:11:31,269 --> 00:11:34,084 that at least I was wearing pants, Marshall. 234 00:11:35,922 --> 00:11:38,092 You can't just go changing the subject like that. 235 00:11:38,260 --> 00:11:39,461 The pants story. 236 00:11:39,586 --> 00:11:42,225 Pants story bomaye! Pants story bomaye! 237 00:11:42,395 --> 00:11:43,476 There's no story! 238 00:11:43,601 --> 00:11:46,651 I had a little situation, so I called Lily. 239 00:11:46,820 --> 00:11:49,740 - Refresh us, what was that situation? - I forgot my pants. 240 00:11:51,495 --> 00:11:53,247 What do you mean you forgot your pants? 241 00:11:53,417 --> 00:11:56,587 I forgot them. Now, I need you to bring me some. 242 00:11:56,994 --> 00:11:58,383 What about your spare pants? 243 00:11:58,869 --> 00:12:00,560 Last Thursday, the mustard incident. 244 00:12:00,685 --> 00:12:02,783 Jeez, woman, you have the memory of a goldfish. 245 00:12:03,143 --> 00:12:05,552 Ted, you're not getting off that easy. 246 00:12:05,677 --> 00:12:07,693 Marshall's pants story, while amusing... 247 00:12:07,862 --> 00:12:10,259 Amusing? Try very amusing. 248 00:12:10,950 --> 00:12:13,371 Is nothing compared to this Karen madness. 249 00:12:13,496 --> 00:12:14,582 Finish your story. 250 00:12:14,751 --> 00:12:17,170 What? That's it. It was just one kiss in the restaurant. 251 00:12:17,720 --> 00:12:19,822 Why did you say "in the restaurant"? 252 00:12:20,238 --> 00:12:21,846 Did you kiss somewhere else? 253 00:12:22,014 --> 00:12:23,982 Like where, in a tree? 254 00:12:24,299 --> 00:12:26,891 No, Lily, we did not make out in a tree. 255 00:12:27,016 --> 00:12:28,150 What's with this one? 256 00:12:31,173 --> 00:12:32,475 What did you do? 257 00:12:39,247 --> 00:12:40,648 How could you? 258 00:12:41,804 --> 00:12:44,191 Marshall forgot to bring his pants to work today, 259 00:12:44,316 --> 00:12:47,146 and you're still the stupidest person at this table. 260 00:12:47,314 --> 00:12:49,385 Okay, Lily, let's be honest. 261 00:12:49,510 --> 00:12:51,564 We both know your real motivation here. 262 00:12:51,689 --> 00:12:54,829 You hate Karen because she lingered. 263 00:12:54,997 --> 00:12:56,496 You son of a bitch. 264 00:12:57,080 --> 00:12:59,642 - What do you mean she lingered? - February 5, 265 00:12:59,886 --> 00:13:02,803 1998. I was painting... 266 00:13:05,821 --> 00:13:06,727 Sorry. 267 00:13:07,409 --> 00:13:08,410 Sorry. 268 00:13:13,729 --> 00:13:16,372 You know, that color palette is a bit derivative 269 00:13:16,497 --> 00:13:18,790 of early Van Gogh, don't you think? 270 00:13:22,428 --> 00:13:24,473 Cheat on Ted, criticize my painting, 271 00:13:24,598 --> 00:13:26,400 whatever, that's your business. 272 00:13:26,525 --> 00:13:30,153 But I catch you peeping on my man's junk 273 00:13:30,278 --> 00:13:32,016 and you linger? 274 00:13:32,431 --> 00:13:34,783 You gots to get got. 275 00:13:34,951 --> 00:13:37,001 The game is the game. 276 00:13:37,913 --> 00:13:40,293 In Karen's defense, I had just worked out. 277 00:13:41,271 --> 00:13:43,091 Why'd you have to paint Marshall nude anyway? 278 00:13:43,357 --> 00:13:45,393 Because he ate my bowl of fruit. 279 00:13:45,808 --> 00:13:46,849 The point is, 280 00:13:47,018 --> 00:13:49,536 Karen is a dirty linger, 281 00:13:49,661 --> 00:13:52,151 and you cannot bring her back into our lives. 282 00:13:52,320 --> 00:13:54,332 Relax, it was just that one night! 283 00:13:54,694 --> 00:13:56,827 And the next three after that. And one morning. 284 00:13:57,203 --> 00:13:59,814 But at least I had pants on, Marshall. 285 00:14:00,419 --> 00:14:03,675 - Although, actually, I didn't. - Wait, this happened in our apartment? 286 00:14:04,511 --> 00:14:06,626 - Where was I? - You know those sleeping pills 287 00:14:06,751 --> 00:14:08,950 you're taking to keep on your crazy new schedule? 288 00:14:09,075 --> 00:14:10,814 I think they're stronger than you realize. 289 00:14:17,936 --> 00:14:20,190 La Fontaine gets the puck to Turgeon. 290 00:14:20,715 --> 00:14:21,966 Turgeon shoots. 291 00:14:22,843 --> 00:14:23,894 Glove save. 292 00:14:27,724 --> 00:14:29,803 Don't worry. I won't tell Marshall. 293 00:14:31,481 --> 00:14:33,630 I'm gonna grab a beer. You want one? 294 00:14:37,940 --> 00:14:38,661 Beer. 295 00:14:39,946 --> 00:14:41,976 I'll start decanting the Bordeaux. 296 00:14:48,393 --> 00:14:50,962 Ted, sure it's fun to look back at a time 297 00:14:51,087 --> 00:14:53,941 when you were a fresh-faced farm girl with a virgin's glow. 298 00:14:55,111 --> 00:14:58,090 But all that stuff... Ohio, Karen, college... 299 00:14:58,215 --> 00:14:59,778 all that was BS. 300 00:14:59,903 --> 00:15:01,247 "Before Stinson." 301 00:15:01,781 --> 00:15:03,598 Now your life is awesome! 302 00:15:03,723 --> 00:15:06,103 I mean, yeah, you still live with your ex-girlfriend, 303 00:15:06,228 --> 00:15:07,868 which is ridiculous. 304 00:15:07,993 --> 00:15:10,764 Your laser tag chops are almost nonexistent. 305 00:15:10,889 --> 00:15:11,977 And your wardrobe, 306 00:15:12,545 --> 00:15:14,065 it's like, what, 307 00:15:14,190 --> 00:15:16,237 are you allergic to quality fabrics? 308 00:15:16,362 --> 00:15:18,114 Seriously, Ted, shape up. 309 00:15:19,884 --> 00:15:21,162 What were we talking about? 310 00:15:22,418 --> 00:15:26,280 - So what's next with this broad? - Please, the story's already written. 311 00:15:26,516 --> 00:15:29,284 Ted is Charlie Brown trying to kick the football 312 00:15:29,410 --> 00:15:32,066 and Karen's Lucy, who pulls it away at the last second 313 00:15:32,191 --> 00:15:33,353 and has sex with it. 314 00:15:34,911 --> 00:15:37,660 You guys know what I mean. Ted's gonna fall in love, 315 00:15:37,785 --> 00:15:40,218 and then Karen's gonna cheat on him with some meathead, 316 00:15:40,343 --> 00:15:41,348 who's like... 317 00:15:41,997 --> 00:15:43,455 "Sorry, bro." 318 00:15:44,886 --> 00:15:48,372 Wrong, wrong! You must have left the right answer in your pants, 319 00:15:48,497 --> 00:15:50,722 because that's exactly what didn't happen. 320 00:15:50,890 --> 00:15:54,103 Because here's what happened. One afternoon, we were at Karen's place. 321 00:15:57,696 --> 00:15:58,747 Oh, my God. 322 00:15:59,407 --> 00:16:00,324 How could you? 323 00:16:04,270 --> 00:16:05,321 Sorry, bro. 324 00:16:10,463 --> 00:16:12,849 So this time, the meathead Karen was cheating with... 325 00:16:13,017 --> 00:16:14,934 Was me, Ted. 326 00:16:15,468 --> 00:16:16,280 Me. 327 00:16:17,521 --> 00:16:19,347 Remember that time Marshall forgot his pants? 328 00:16:19,473 --> 00:16:20,280 Damn it! 329 00:16:20,525 --> 00:16:23,579 You quit trying to change the subject. You crossed the line. 330 00:16:23,913 --> 00:16:27,754 You are complicit in breaking some poor guy's heart. And you, 331 00:16:29,008 --> 00:16:31,635 you of all people know exactly how that feels. 332 00:16:32,473 --> 00:16:34,350 You really don't want to tell the pants story? 333 00:16:34,520 --> 00:16:36,229 - What? - Pants, pants... 334 00:16:38,110 --> 00:16:39,495 Fine! Okay? 335 00:16:39,620 --> 00:16:42,909 So, Lily came down to the office to bring me my pants... 336 00:16:43,078 --> 00:16:45,330 - Why did she have to do that? - Because I forgot my pants. 337 00:16:47,583 --> 00:16:51,009 - Lily, what are you doing here? - I'm here to give Marshall something. 338 00:16:52,262 --> 00:16:54,114 Here to give him something. 339 00:16:54,239 --> 00:16:55,828 Gotcha. Nice. 340 00:16:56,021 --> 00:16:58,607 Yeah, but I'm in a hurry. Can I just give it to you? 341 00:17:01,241 --> 00:17:02,292 Sure, okay. 342 00:17:03,806 --> 00:17:05,741 And then you'll give it to him? 343 00:17:05,915 --> 00:17:08,209 Wait. I don't know about all that. 344 00:17:08,878 --> 00:17:11,508 I mean, yours would have to be really good. 345 00:17:12,708 --> 00:17:14,973 - What are you talking about? - What are you talking about? 346 00:17:15,331 --> 00:17:17,102 Marshall forgot his pants, 347 00:17:17,271 --> 00:17:19,065 so I'm bringing him a new pair. 348 00:17:20,934 --> 00:17:22,394 Marshall forgot his pants. 349 00:17:22,519 --> 00:17:24,315 It's a good thing that you came by 350 00:17:24,441 --> 00:17:27,399 because he has a really important meeting today, 351 00:17:27,524 --> 00:17:31,317 and it would be pretty embarrassing and not at all funny 352 00:17:31,758 --> 00:17:34,157 if he were to show up not wearing pants. 353 00:17:35,596 --> 00:17:38,322 - I'll make sure he gets these. - Great. Thanks, Barney. 354 00:17:39,691 --> 00:17:41,484 And you didn't give him his pants. 355 00:17:41,861 --> 00:17:43,583 Theodore Evelyn Mosby. 356 00:17:44,043 --> 00:17:45,859 Of course I gave him his pants. 357 00:17:45,984 --> 00:17:47,872 I gave Lily my word. My word is oak. 358 00:17:49,300 --> 00:17:52,214 Though I did make some alterations. 359 00:17:58,567 --> 00:18:01,491 Now, as you'll see on page 44 of the contract... 360 00:18:02,193 --> 00:18:03,863 When did you join AC/DC? 361 00:18:08,122 --> 00:18:11,107 Now, can we please just turn to page 44 of the contract. 362 00:18:12,005 --> 00:18:14,384 I think the Oliver Twist auditions are down the hall! 363 00:18:19,196 --> 00:18:22,609 Please, sir, may I have some more... pants? 364 00:18:31,051 --> 00:18:32,336 More pan... 365 00:18:38,964 --> 00:18:40,478 That's it? That's the whole story? 366 00:18:41,250 --> 00:18:43,867 - So what happened with Karen? - I'll finish it for you. 367 00:18:43,992 --> 00:18:45,559 Ted left without saying anything 368 00:18:45,684 --> 00:18:48,430 and Karen got exactly what she wanted. 369 00:18:49,999 --> 00:18:50,957 Not this time. 370 00:18:51,377 --> 00:18:53,546 So you have a boyfriend? 371 00:18:53,714 --> 00:18:55,526 We've been drifting apart for a long time. 372 00:18:55,651 --> 00:18:57,434 I've been meaning to break up with him. 373 00:18:58,348 --> 00:18:59,765 You are unbelievable. 374 00:19:00,013 --> 00:19:02,019 You don't have the guts to break up with someone 375 00:19:02,144 --> 00:19:04,901 like a decent human being, so instead you pull this crap. 376 00:19:06,957 --> 00:19:08,409 Okay, you're right. 377 00:19:10,247 --> 00:19:11,681 I'm great with books. 378 00:19:12,154 --> 00:19:13,606 I'm great with art. 379 00:19:14,730 --> 00:19:16,382 I'm great with identifying French wines 380 00:19:16,507 --> 00:19:19,179 from within a mile of where the grapes are grown. But... 381 00:19:20,518 --> 00:19:22,729 I'm really bad when it comes to looking someone in the eye 382 00:19:22,854 --> 00:19:24,815 and telling them the truth about how I feel. 383 00:19:25,795 --> 00:19:27,629 We're both bad at that. But... 384 00:19:29,195 --> 00:19:32,554 I think we both need to change. So, why don't I go first? 385 00:19:34,337 --> 00:19:36,385 You're a really hurtful and reckless person, 386 00:19:36,510 --> 00:19:39,053 and I never want to see you or speak to you again. 387 00:19:41,016 --> 00:19:42,217 Au revoir. 388 00:19:43,099 --> 00:19:44,145 Ted, wait. 389 00:19:48,213 --> 00:19:51,703 Actually,"au revoir'means "until we see each other again". 390 00:19:53,250 --> 00:19:55,252 So, I'm assuming that you mean 391 00:19:55,721 --> 00:19:58,175 we will in fact see each other again? 392 00:20:01,605 --> 00:20:02,656 Sorry, bro. 393 00:20:05,984 --> 00:20:07,610 Thank you. Thank you. 394 00:20:07,778 --> 00:20:09,569 - Bravo. - I am impressed with you. 395 00:20:09,694 --> 00:20:11,868 You, too, Marshall. Have you been wearing those all day? 396 00:20:12,426 --> 00:20:13,747 They show off my calves. 397 00:20:14,959 --> 00:20:16,796 Pants story. Tell it again. 398 00:20:17,965 --> 00:20:21,220 You know, maybe it was good you called Karen. 399 00:20:21,394 --> 00:20:24,059 It definitely was. And not just for me, but for her, too. 400 00:20:24,399 --> 00:20:26,367 Later that night, she sat down with Jerry, 401 00:20:26,493 --> 00:20:29,069 and she had the break-up talk she always avoided with me. 402 00:20:29,541 --> 00:20:30,731 So you see, kids, 403 00:20:30,856 --> 00:20:33,119 sometimes when you have to have a tough conversation, 404 00:20:33,597 --> 00:20:34,785 the best thing to do... 405 00:20:34,910 --> 00:20:37,628 Wait a second. Wait a second. 406 00:20:38,548 --> 00:20:41,093 You said you were never gonna talk to Karen again, right? 407 00:20:42,509 --> 00:20:44,684 Then how do you know she took your advice? 408 00:20:47,303 --> 00:20:48,304 Right. 409 00:20:48,602 --> 00:20:49,674 About that... 410 00:20:49,799 --> 00:20:52,106 After she broke up with that dude, she called me, we went out, 411 00:20:52,231 --> 00:20:54,921 we hooked up, we've been dating ever since. We're really seeing eye to eye, 412 00:20:55,046 --> 00:20:57,927 It just feels different somehow. Here she comes now. Be cool!