1 00:00:02,476 --> 00:00:05,925 2009, I'd been dating my high school girlfriend Karen 2 00:00:06,050 --> 00:00:08,943 for a few weeks. My friends couldn't have been less excited. 3 00:00:09,068 --> 00:00:11,054 - Hey, everybody. - Hello. 4 00:00:12,052 --> 00:00:13,814 Sorry, we can't stay long. 5 00:00:13,939 --> 00:00:15,680 - What a shame! - That is sad! 6 00:00:16,064 --> 00:00:18,265 - Are those real diamond earrings? - Yes. 7 00:00:18,433 --> 00:00:19,551 Yes, they are. 8 00:00:19,843 --> 00:00:22,443 - Thank you. - I didn't say I liked them. 9 00:00:23,730 --> 00:00:25,513 I got a great deal on them, so... 10 00:00:25,638 --> 00:00:27,884 Cool. I'm sure all the exploited diamond miners 11 00:00:28,009 --> 00:00:29,746 in Sierra Leone would give you a high five 12 00:00:29,871 --> 00:00:32,697 if they still had all their fingers. But really pretty. 13 00:00:33,503 --> 00:00:34,853 Meet me upstairs. 14 00:00:35,273 --> 00:00:38,035 They only need one finger to give her what I'm thinking. 15 00:00:39,258 --> 00:00:40,621 Karen's a douche. 16 00:00:41,597 --> 00:00:43,999 - Thanks for sugarcoating. - "Douche'is sugarcoating it. 17 00:00:45,460 --> 00:00:48,602 Believe it or not, my friends do not get a vote on who I date. 18 00:00:48,727 --> 00:00:50,589 It's my life. I call the shots. 19 00:00:50,757 --> 00:00:52,486 - Ted, now! - Yeah, coming! 20 00:00:53,908 --> 00:00:57,504 I don't know what Ted sees in that horrible woman. 21 00:00:57,993 --> 00:01:00,267 I mean, yeah, she's got boobs, but... 22 00:01:00,392 --> 00:01:01,642 I guess I get it. 23 00:01:02,035 --> 00:01:04,163 I think it's 'cause they met in high school. 24 00:01:04,288 --> 00:01:06,147 She was his first real girlfriend. 25 00:01:06,315 --> 00:01:08,079 We look at Karen and see a jerk. 26 00:01:08,204 --> 00:01:10,258 Ted looks at Karen and sees the first person to touch 27 00:01:10,383 --> 00:01:13,237 his wiener besides himself, his mom, and his pediatrician. 28 00:01:13,405 --> 00:01:16,031 It's almost 2:00 A.M. I better get ready for work. 29 00:01:16,199 --> 00:01:19,464 How can they call that thing you're on a "morning show"? 30 00:01:19,589 --> 00:01:21,859 4:00 A.M. is still the middle of the night. 31 00:01:21,984 --> 00:01:23,330 I don't see how you do it. 32 00:01:23,498 --> 00:01:25,085 It's been almost a month. 33 00:01:25,210 --> 00:01:27,668 I'm used to it. Plus the show's not half bad, right? 34 00:01:28,208 --> 00:01:30,278 - Totally. - I've never seen it. 35 00:01:31,015 --> 00:01:32,381 Have you guys ever watched it? 36 00:01:32,643 --> 00:01:34,311 - Of course! - I've never seen it. 37 00:01:34,436 --> 00:01:36,051 What is your favorite segment? 38 00:01:36,219 --> 00:01:37,422 - Weather. - Never... 39 00:01:37,547 --> 00:01:39,764 - You guys have never seen my show. - Sorry. 40 00:01:39,932 --> 00:01:40,980 Never seen it. 41 00:01:42,404 --> 00:01:44,031 It's dull and generic 42 00:01:44,156 --> 00:01:46,453 and we get spanked in the ratings by that Korean channel 43 00:01:46,578 --> 00:01:49,174 that only shows Kim Jong Il riding a horse, 44 00:01:49,299 --> 00:01:50,735 but guys, 45 00:01:50,860 --> 00:01:53,287 it would mean so much to me if just once I knew my friends 46 00:01:53,412 --> 00:01:54,612 were out there watching. 47 00:01:56,990 --> 00:01:58,862 I'll tell you what. This Friday morning, 48 00:01:58,987 --> 00:02:01,096 everyone can come to our place 3:30 A.M. 49 00:02:01,221 --> 00:02:03,704 We'll all put on Pjs. We'll watch Robin's show. 50 00:02:04,006 --> 00:02:05,006 What? 51 00:02:05,207 --> 00:02:07,708 - You guys are the best. - We just want to support you. 52 00:02:08,271 --> 00:02:10,354 I just want to go to sleep! 53 00:02:11,234 --> 00:02:13,631 I hate Robin for not being more successful. 54 00:02:17,619 --> 00:02:19,062 Sad announcement: 55 00:02:19,867 --> 00:02:21,305 Karen broke up with me. 56 00:02:23,754 --> 00:02:24,914 Go ahead. 57 00:02:25,039 --> 00:02:26,839 I knew you were listening! 58 00:02:28,146 --> 00:02:30,409 ShalimarFox, Arrow 59 00:02:43,832 --> 00:02:45,668 We shouldn't be celebrating. 60 00:02:45,793 --> 00:02:47,790 Ted's just been through a bad break-up. 61 00:02:48,959 --> 00:02:51,221 Buddy, tell us everything. Tell us what happened. 62 00:02:51,346 --> 00:02:53,203 Seriously, spare no details. 63 00:02:53,428 --> 00:02:55,590 What did she say? What did you say? 64 00:02:56,153 --> 00:02:57,453 How did it feel? 65 00:02:57,941 --> 00:03:01,303 If you were to do it again, all over, would you maybe...? 66 00:03:03,682 --> 00:03:05,082 How did it happen? 67 00:03:05,365 --> 00:03:07,326 It was the stupidest thing. I mean, 68 00:03:07,451 --> 00:03:10,312 we were just hanging out, you know, being funny... 69 00:03:10,859 --> 00:03:13,404 You're the fan of 2002 Chiantis. 70 00:03:13,858 --> 00:03:16,403 No, you're the fan of 2002 Chiantis. 71 00:03:17,498 --> 00:03:19,321 Wait. What is this? 72 00:03:20,474 --> 00:03:22,206 Looks like one of Robin's earrings. 73 00:03:22,700 --> 00:03:24,229 That's weird. You're the... 74 00:03:24,354 --> 00:03:26,870 - How did it get in your bed? - I don't know. 75 00:03:27,732 --> 00:03:30,940 - Have you been sleeping with Robin? - What? No, of course not! 76 00:03:31,065 --> 00:03:33,419 It probably got mixed in with the laundry or something. 77 00:03:33,587 --> 00:03:35,142 Why should I believe you? 78 00:03:35,626 --> 00:03:38,158 Maybe because I've always been faithful to you 79 00:03:38,283 --> 00:03:41,043 while you've cheated on me, like, six times, bitch. 80 00:03:41,602 --> 00:03:44,055 - Cold-blooded! - Right? Right? 81 00:03:45,132 --> 00:03:46,849 I totally should have said that. 82 00:03:47,267 --> 00:03:48,990 Why should I believe you? 83 00:03:49,340 --> 00:03:53,230 Maybe because I've always been faithful to you while you... 84 00:03:55,124 --> 00:03:56,274 I love you... 85 00:03:57,647 --> 00:03:59,441 I knew this was a mistake. 86 00:03:59,700 --> 00:04:01,527 That's it. It's over. 87 00:04:03,241 --> 00:04:04,541 And that was it. 88 00:04:04,902 --> 00:04:05,951 She left. 89 00:04:06,373 --> 00:04:07,442 What a story. 90 00:04:07,567 --> 00:04:09,997 So brave of you to share that. 91 00:04:10,165 --> 00:04:12,625 Wait. Those are your pajamas? 92 00:04:13,022 --> 00:04:15,773 - You sleep in a pajama suit? - Of course. 93 00:04:16,048 --> 00:04:18,485 - What do you think I sleep in? - A coffin. 94 00:04:19,669 --> 00:04:21,675 Dude, that doesn't look comfortable at all. 95 00:04:21,990 --> 00:04:25,705 - You're wearing a tie. - First of all, it's a sleeping cravat. 96 00:04:26,365 --> 00:04:28,349 Second, it's not about comfort. 97 00:04:28,634 --> 00:04:30,893 It's about looking good all the time. 98 00:04:31,162 --> 00:04:33,228 Why do you have to look good all the time? 99 00:04:33,396 --> 00:04:34,856 Let me tell you a little story 100 00:04:34,981 --> 00:04:36,732 about something happened a couple months. 101 00:04:46,493 --> 00:04:48,633 We were just having a "Who's hornier" contest 102 00:04:48,758 --> 00:04:51,553 and we spilled massage oil all over ourselves. 103 00:04:51,678 --> 00:04:53,999 - Nice pajamas. - Can we use your shower? 104 00:04:57,177 --> 00:04:59,713 That's not a memory. That's from a porn movie. 105 00:04:59,881 --> 00:05:02,591 - Not just any movie. - That's the exact scene from... 106 00:05:03,856 --> 00:05:04,906 Never mind. 107 00:05:05,387 --> 00:05:07,482 The point is it could happen. 108 00:05:07,866 --> 00:05:09,076 And if it did, 109 00:05:09,201 --> 00:05:11,817 and I didn't look my absolute best for those greasy sluts, 110 00:05:11,942 --> 00:05:13,185 I'd regret it forever. 111 00:05:14,633 --> 00:05:16,952 I'm sorry, dude, but that is just the most ridiculous 112 00:05:17,077 --> 00:05:19,650 sleeping attire I've ever seen in my life. Anyway... 113 00:05:21,314 --> 00:05:22,820 Marshall's wearing a nightgown! 114 00:05:23,256 --> 00:05:24,655 Marshall's wearing a nightgown! 115 00:05:24,823 --> 00:05:26,670 You know how in the future we're always saying 116 00:05:26,795 --> 00:05:29,190 "Remember when Marshall wore a nightgown"? This is that time! 117 00:05:29,315 --> 00:05:31,373 - It's a nightshirt. - You can call it 118 00:05:31,498 --> 00:05:33,357 a Ninja Star Danger Jock if you want. 119 00:05:33,482 --> 00:05:35,388 Doesn't make you any less of a cross-dresser. 120 00:05:35,513 --> 00:05:37,441 Whatever, dude. It's comfy. 121 00:05:38,086 --> 00:05:40,421 So, flying to Neverland with Peter and Tink, was that amazing? 122 00:05:40,789 --> 00:05:42,589 Let me go next! Was it nice 123 00:05:42,757 --> 00:05:44,769 to finally get out of that crowded bed and take 124 00:05:44,894 --> 00:05:47,970 Charlie to the chocolate factory? Oh, me, me! 125 00:05:48,138 --> 00:05:49,845 Something about Scrooge! 126 00:05:51,319 --> 00:05:53,719 Come on, guys. I'm carrying the team. 127 00:05:53,844 --> 00:05:56,501 I don't know. I lived with Marshall for 12 years. 128 00:05:56,626 --> 00:05:59,273 Any time he's wearing clothes at all, it's a victory. 129 00:06:02,113 --> 00:06:04,570 - Ted, show's about to start! - Be right there! 130 00:06:18,897 --> 00:06:21,004 Good morning, New York. I'm Robin... 131 00:06:23,365 --> 00:06:26,346 Marshall, I just found Robin's earring on your dresser. 132 00:06:26,471 --> 00:06:28,719 Did you have something to do with the other being in my bed? 133 00:06:28,887 --> 00:06:30,891 - What are you talking about? - You've hated Karen. 134 00:06:31,016 --> 00:06:32,848 You've been telling me to break up with her. 135 00:06:33,084 --> 00:06:36,685 You did it. You put the earring in my bed so that Karen would find it. 136 00:06:36,853 --> 00:06:38,812 - No, Ted, I would never... - Admit it! 137 00:06:38,980 --> 00:06:41,039 - There's nothing to admit! - Why was Robin's earring 138 00:06:41,164 --> 00:06:43,233 - on your dresser? - He was accessorizing! 139 00:06:43,401 --> 00:06:46,320 Marshall, I swear to God, if you don't tell me the truth now... 140 00:06:46,488 --> 00:06:49,073 Wait! Marshall didn't do it. 141 00:06:50,651 --> 00:06:51,651 I did. 142 00:06:52,253 --> 00:06:53,660 I broke you and Karen up. 143 00:07:00,104 --> 00:07:03,337 You broke me and Karen up? Are you insane? 144 00:07:03,604 --> 00:07:06,757 - What gives you the right to do that? - I did it for your own good. 145 00:07:07,134 --> 00:07:10,177 You just weren't seeing how awful she was. 146 00:07:10,430 --> 00:07:12,596 She failed the Front Porch Test. 147 00:07:13,161 --> 00:07:14,763 What's the Front Porch Test? 148 00:07:14,888 --> 00:07:18,652 Ted, you, me, and Marshall have been best friends since college. 149 00:07:18,777 --> 00:07:21,688 Think about how much we all mean to each other. 150 00:07:21,856 --> 00:07:24,983 So when I picture the future, I picture us all together. 151 00:07:25,605 --> 00:07:27,829 How we'll all be retired, sipping tea 152 00:07:27,954 --> 00:07:31,457 on the front porch of our beach house, playing bridge all day. 153 00:07:32,601 --> 00:07:34,186 Bridges are wild. 154 00:07:34,311 --> 00:07:36,802 Four of a bridge beats a royal bridge. 155 00:07:37,205 --> 00:07:40,415 I see your bridge and I raise you three bridges. 156 00:07:40,685 --> 00:07:41,628 Bridge! 157 00:07:41,753 --> 00:07:42,626 I win! 158 00:07:43,208 --> 00:07:45,045 You have no idea how to play bridge, do you? 159 00:07:45,298 --> 00:07:47,798 - We're gonna take a class. - It's important to stay active. 160 00:07:49,120 --> 00:07:51,824 So whenever you've been dating somebody for a while, 161 00:07:51,949 --> 00:07:53,679 I do the Front Porch Test. 162 00:07:54,057 --> 00:07:57,516 You know, how is this person gonna fit in with our group over the years? 163 00:07:58,476 --> 00:08:00,143 And when I think about Karen there... 164 00:08:00,603 --> 00:08:01,610 Bridge! 165 00:08:01,735 --> 00:08:02,604 I win! 166 00:08:02,863 --> 00:08:05,107 Fantastic. Another game of bridge. 167 00:08:05,275 --> 00:08:06,942 Don't read a book or anything. 168 00:08:07,468 --> 00:08:08,618 Look, dear... 169 00:08:09,308 --> 00:08:10,237 dolphins. 170 00:08:10,690 --> 00:08:11,917 They seem happy. 171 00:08:12,042 --> 00:08:14,684 I guess the chemical runoff from this elitist beach front property 172 00:08:14,809 --> 00:08:16,451 hasn't rotted out their blowholes yet. 173 00:08:17,278 --> 00:08:19,819 It will. That water will kill you. 174 00:08:19,944 --> 00:08:21,582 It is a toxic deathtrap. 175 00:08:22,449 --> 00:08:25,052 - I'm gonna take a dip. - I'll join you. 176 00:08:25,837 --> 00:08:28,755 Karen failed the Front Porch Test. She had to go. 177 00:08:29,023 --> 00:08:31,080 I can't believe you did that. 178 00:08:32,040 --> 00:08:34,303 Think about how awesome you, me, and Marshall are. 179 00:08:34,690 --> 00:08:36,847 Seriously think about it. 180 00:08:40,979 --> 00:08:43,186 - We're pretty awesome. - We're totally awesome! 181 00:08:43,484 --> 00:08:45,478 So whoever you marry, whoever 182 00:08:45,603 --> 00:08:47,439 joins Team Awesome, 183 00:08:47,908 --> 00:08:49,943 the bar is set pretty damn high. 184 00:08:50,886 --> 00:08:53,739 Look, I'm not saying what I did was right, but... 185 00:08:53,907 --> 00:08:55,324 You're better off without her. 186 00:08:55,492 --> 00:08:57,826 And if Clarence the angel says it's true, it must be true. 187 00:08:57,994 --> 00:09:00,287 Okay, you know what? Fine, make your little jokes. 188 00:09:00,412 --> 00:09:02,172 Why would you wear something like that? 189 00:09:02,297 --> 00:09:04,847 - Lots of reasons. - I bet you can't name five. 190 00:09:04,972 --> 00:09:06,793 No need to wear anything underneath. 191 00:09:06,961 --> 00:09:09,067 I can vouch for that. Will you cross your legs? 192 00:09:09,192 --> 00:09:10,951 Sexy. 193 00:09:11,466 --> 00:09:14,176 I can vouch for that. Will you uncross your legs, buddy? 194 00:09:14,979 --> 00:09:18,430 My Grandpa Olaf wore one and he lived to be 107. 195 00:09:18,598 --> 00:09:20,474 No elastic waistband 196 00:09:20,642 --> 00:09:23,781 leaving its judgmental pink teeth marks around my Thanksgiving belly. 197 00:09:23,906 --> 00:09:24,949 And five: 198 00:09:25,362 --> 00:09:27,707 Every night when I go to sleep, 199 00:09:27,911 --> 00:09:31,216 it's the freest, most wonderful feeling in the world. 200 00:09:31,341 --> 00:09:32,402 I feel... 201 00:09:33,123 --> 00:09:34,423 like I'm flying. 202 00:09:40,191 --> 00:09:42,037 So that's how I go to bed every night: 203 00:09:42,599 --> 00:09:45,579 happy, weightless. With a heart full of joy. 204 00:09:46,045 --> 00:09:47,501 What about you? 205 00:09:48,239 --> 00:09:51,797 I have to lie perfectly still so I don't wrinkle my suit-jamas. 206 00:09:53,072 --> 00:09:55,472 But at least I'm not wearing a dress. 207 00:09:56,710 --> 00:09:58,859 So... how mad are you? 208 00:09:59,731 --> 00:10:01,303 I don't know. I mean, 209 00:10:01,428 --> 00:10:04,237 I guess if you guys feel that strongly about Karen, 210 00:10:04,526 --> 00:10:05,935 then maybe it was for the best. 211 00:10:06,237 --> 00:10:07,637 I really am sorry. 212 00:10:07,862 --> 00:10:10,773 I hated doing that again, but Karen had to go. 213 00:10:12,360 --> 00:10:13,470 "Again"? 214 00:10:14,113 --> 00:10:16,862 Wait. How many times have you broken me up with a girlfriend? 215 00:10:17,048 --> 00:10:18,155 Never! Six. 216 00:10:18,859 --> 00:10:20,909 - Like who? - No one! Angie. 217 00:10:22,423 --> 00:10:23,673 Sophomore year. 218 00:10:24,400 --> 00:10:27,040 She was just using you to get back at her ex, 219 00:10:27,209 --> 00:10:29,208 and you clearly didn't see it, so... 220 00:10:30,049 --> 00:10:32,269 one day when she was taking a nap... 221 00:10:47,360 --> 00:10:48,360 Creed? 222 00:10:50,183 --> 00:10:52,220 Oh, my God, I have to break up with her. 223 00:10:53,983 --> 00:10:55,693 So that's where my Creed CD went. 224 00:10:56,921 --> 00:10:58,101 Who else? 225 00:10:58,226 --> 00:11:00,698 Remember that weird sci-fi girl 226 00:11:00,868 --> 00:11:03,034 who wanted you to propose after, like, two months? 227 00:11:03,482 --> 00:11:07,079 You barely even liked her, but you were still thinking about it, so... 228 00:11:09,996 --> 00:11:11,793 Listen, Ted, you're great, 229 00:11:11,918 --> 00:11:13,696 and this is so difficult, 230 00:11:14,716 --> 00:11:17,132 but I think we're looking for different things. 231 00:11:17,483 --> 00:11:19,925 So, live long and prosper. 232 00:11:20,362 --> 00:11:21,462 Or whatever. 233 00:11:27,040 --> 00:11:28,101 That was you? 234 00:11:28,608 --> 00:11:29,894 This is insane! 235 00:11:30,063 --> 00:11:31,981 Ted, I did those things to help you. 236 00:11:32,106 --> 00:11:33,899 You're a commitment junkie. 237 00:11:34,105 --> 00:11:37,486 You fall in love with these women, even if they don't deserve you. 238 00:11:37,655 --> 00:11:40,113 What if one of those women was the mother of my children? 239 00:11:40,282 --> 00:11:43,950 If there was ever the tiniest chance of that, I swear I didn't do anything. 240 00:11:44,119 --> 00:11:46,243 Like with Victoria or Stella. 241 00:11:46,413 --> 00:11:47,286 Or Robin. 242 00:11:49,413 --> 00:11:50,727 Or Robin. 243 00:11:53,337 --> 00:11:55,007 Did you break us up, too? 244 00:11:56,042 --> 00:11:58,005 Did you break us up, too? 245 00:11:58,175 --> 00:12:00,383 Stop talking to me like I'm your enemy! 246 00:12:01,261 --> 00:12:03,772 You weep for these women, but you have the luxury 247 00:12:03,897 --> 00:12:05,790 of not knowing what I know: 248 00:12:05,915 --> 00:12:07,723 that those breakups, while tragic, 249 00:12:07,893 --> 00:12:09,141 probably saved you 250 00:12:09,311 --> 00:12:12,228 from a crappy and very expensive first marriage. 251 00:12:12,398 --> 00:12:13,939 Did you break me and Robin up? 252 00:12:14,108 --> 00:12:16,206 You don't want the truth because deep down, 253 00:12:16,331 --> 00:12:18,234 you want me out there watching out for you. 254 00:12:18,605 --> 00:12:21,313 And deep down, you know that none of those women 255 00:12:21,438 --> 00:12:23,313 were ever gonna be the mother of your children. 256 00:12:23,492 --> 00:12:25,992 - Did you break me and Robin up? - I did what I had to do. 257 00:12:26,161 --> 00:12:28,494 - Did you break me and Robin up? - You're damn right I did! 258 00:12:35,101 --> 00:12:37,753 Your grandpa Olaf was a wise man. 259 00:12:42,675 --> 00:12:45,344 - You broke me and Robin up? - No, it's not... 260 00:12:45,514 --> 00:12:47,779 I cannot believe this. I need another drink. 261 00:12:48,293 --> 00:12:49,850 I feel a little breeze down there. 262 00:12:50,019 --> 00:12:52,039 - It's nice. - You think that's something? 263 00:12:52,164 --> 00:12:53,743 Stand over this heating vent. 264 00:12:54,122 --> 00:12:56,582 It's like your junk is on a tropical island. 265 00:12:58,532 --> 00:13:00,484 Little Barney says "Mahalo". 266 00:13:01,225 --> 00:13:03,529 Seriously, what is wrong with you, Lily? 267 00:13:03,699 --> 00:13:07,033 - How could you do that? - I did this because I care about you! 268 00:13:07,202 --> 00:13:10,119 I am so glad that is the one you watched! 269 00:13:10,289 --> 00:13:11,954 Dear God, what happened to you? 270 00:13:15,002 --> 00:13:17,539 - You didn't watch my show? - The show. 271 00:13:17,664 --> 00:13:18,664 Sorry. 272 00:13:19,036 --> 00:13:20,547 Something special happen? 273 00:13:22,724 --> 00:13:24,174 Same old, same old. 274 00:13:24,595 --> 00:13:26,927 Lily just told us that she broke you and me up. 275 00:13:27,349 --> 00:13:28,926 What? Broke-broke us up? 276 00:13:29,661 --> 00:13:32,475 What does that even mean? And why are these guys wearing nightgowns? 277 00:13:32,686 --> 00:13:34,858 - Nightshirts. - It's called a nightshirt, Robin. 278 00:13:34,983 --> 00:13:37,558 Turns out Lily has taken it upon herself to sabotage 279 00:13:37,683 --> 00:13:39,524 many of my relationships, including ours. 280 00:13:39,693 --> 00:13:41,067 Robin was different. 281 00:13:41,350 --> 00:13:43,358 I didn't want you two to break up, 282 00:13:43,827 --> 00:13:46,086 but you wanted completely different things out of life 283 00:13:46,211 --> 00:13:47,741 and refused to deal with it. 284 00:13:48,284 --> 00:13:50,410 I could just picture that front porch. 285 00:13:51,499 --> 00:13:52,412 Two of hearts. 286 00:13:52,708 --> 00:13:55,037 Just like the hearts of the two children I never had 287 00:13:55,162 --> 00:13:57,781 because my lovely wife hates kids. 288 00:13:59,440 --> 00:14:00,440 A deuce. 289 00:14:00,724 --> 00:14:02,535 Exactly what my career dropped 290 00:14:02,660 --> 00:14:05,674 once I decided to settle down and marry Ted. 291 00:14:06,224 --> 00:14:06,968 Bridge! 292 00:14:07,393 --> 00:14:08,220 I win. 293 00:14:09,648 --> 00:14:12,806 I do not like that scenario one bit. 294 00:14:13,048 --> 00:14:16,602 All I tried to do was get you guys to talk about your issues. 295 00:14:17,095 --> 00:14:18,969 I didn't know I was feeding you the words 296 00:14:19,094 --> 00:14:20,977 that would lead to your breakup. 297 00:14:21,446 --> 00:14:24,109 Here's a fun question, just for fun. 298 00:14:24,638 --> 00:14:26,612 Where do you see yourself in five years? 299 00:14:27,507 --> 00:14:28,847 You know what's fun? 300 00:14:28,972 --> 00:14:30,158 Fun questions. 301 00:14:30,660 --> 00:14:32,785 Where do you see yourself in five years? 302 00:14:33,569 --> 00:14:35,246 Where do you see yourself in five years? 303 00:14:35,555 --> 00:14:37,194 Where do you see yourself? 304 00:14:37,626 --> 00:14:41,418 Not to put words in your mouth, but you probably want to be married. 305 00:14:41,683 --> 00:14:43,463 I probably want to be married. 306 00:14:43,632 --> 00:14:46,632 You probably want to be in Tokyo or Paris. 307 00:14:46,802 --> 00:14:49,927 I probably want to be in Argentina. 308 00:14:50,097 --> 00:14:51,096 Argentina? 309 00:14:51,265 --> 00:14:52,888 Or Tokyo or Paris. 310 00:14:54,253 --> 00:14:56,183 We have an expiration date, don't we? 311 00:14:56,925 --> 00:14:57,925 Oh, my God. 312 00:14:58,104 --> 00:15:00,862 You can't manipulate people like that! 313 00:15:00,987 --> 00:15:03,048 I've known you 12 years, and I can honestly say, 314 00:15:03,173 --> 00:15:04,942 I have never been more furious at you! 315 00:15:05,234 --> 00:15:07,862 - Look, I didn't mean to... - I don't even want to hear it! 316 00:15:09,268 --> 00:15:11,109 Settle down! Let's just settle down! 317 00:15:11,234 --> 00:15:12,851 Now, I have one question. 318 00:15:13,361 --> 00:15:15,035 What do these bad boys feel like in bed? 319 00:15:15,220 --> 00:15:16,682 Come on. Let's go see. 320 00:15:17,666 --> 00:15:20,833 So, if it weren't for you, Ted and I might still be dating? 321 00:15:21,332 --> 00:15:23,837 Or you would have stayed together far too long, 322 00:15:24,235 --> 00:15:26,672 had an incredibly bitter breakup 323 00:15:26,842 --> 00:15:28,601 and not even remained friends, 324 00:15:28,726 --> 00:15:31,427 and then you and I would never have become best friends. 325 00:15:31,597 --> 00:15:33,169 Don't even say that. 326 00:15:34,552 --> 00:15:35,756 Stop hugging! 327 00:15:37,207 --> 00:15:39,852 You had no right to interfere in my relationships. 328 00:15:40,423 --> 00:15:42,486 You got lucky. Okay? You met the love of your life 329 00:15:42,611 --> 00:15:44,440 in a dorm hallway when you were 18. 330 00:15:44,742 --> 00:15:46,627 But that doesn't give you the right to play God 331 00:15:46,752 --> 00:15:49,570 to the rest of us mortals down here who are still looking for someone. 332 00:15:50,062 --> 00:15:52,403 You're so concerned about who you and Marshall are gonna end up 333 00:15:52,528 --> 00:15:54,952 on that front porch with. You know what? 334 00:15:55,255 --> 00:15:57,076 You can have it to yourselves. 335 00:16:02,515 --> 00:16:06,455 - What happened to your jacket? - Oh, soot, bread crumbs, placenta. 336 00:16:07,238 --> 00:16:09,381 Did you at least TiVo it? 337 00:16:11,778 --> 00:16:13,842 So you're this comfy every night, 338 00:16:13,967 --> 00:16:15,864 and Lily still has sex with you? 339 00:16:17,017 --> 00:16:19,342 That's what marriage is all about, man, unconditional love. 340 00:16:19,467 --> 00:16:22,193 You can wear whatever you want and still get laid. 341 00:16:22,838 --> 00:16:24,730 Tell me more about being married. 342 00:16:25,356 --> 00:16:27,632 Sometimes, when you're married, 343 00:16:28,213 --> 00:16:31,070 you wake up to the smell of breakfast already on the table. 344 00:16:31,240 --> 00:16:33,396 - And coffee, too? - And coffee, too. 345 00:16:33,903 --> 00:16:36,652 Sometimes, she'll even put out a vase 346 00:16:36,777 --> 00:16:38,577 of freshly cut flowers. 347 00:16:38,747 --> 00:16:40,330 I love flowers. 348 00:16:41,715 --> 00:16:42,850 And sometimes, 349 00:16:42,975 --> 00:16:45,331 when you're worried you've made all the wrong decisions in life 350 00:16:45,456 --> 00:16:47,589 and you're not nearly the man you want to be, 351 00:16:47,714 --> 00:16:49,181 what does she do then? 352 00:16:50,212 --> 00:16:51,970 She tells you that you're great 353 00:16:52,095 --> 00:16:53,801 and it's all gonna be okay. 354 00:16:54,088 --> 00:16:55,373 That's wonderful. 355 00:16:56,712 --> 00:16:59,932 And she'll help you find other girls to have sex with? 356 00:17:03,774 --> 00:17:04,962 I mean, I guess. 357 00:17:05,087 --> 00:17:07,799 Maybe if you agreed upon that beforehand, yeah. 358 00:17:09,883 --> 00:17:11,535 Little guy had a big day. 359 00:17:12,310 --> 00:17:13,696 We'll talk about it tomorrow. 360 00:17:14,080 --> 00:17:15,545 Sweet dreams, slugger. 361 00:17:30,884 --> 00:17:33,586 The next night, I was still angry at your aunt Lily. 362 00:17:33,711 --> 00:17:34,711 Until... 363 00:17:37,414 --> 00:17:38,532 What are you...? 364 00:17:41,413 --> 00:17:43,183 Lily came by and explained everything. 365 00:17:44,313 --> 00:17:45,936 And she gave me this note for you. 366 00:17:51,039 --> 00:17:52,192 "Ted, I'm sorry. 367 00:17:52,649 --> 00:17:54,961 "It doesn't matter to me who you marry. 368 00:17:55,086 --> 00:17:58,460 "I know they'll be awesome because they'll think you are. 369 00:17:58,895 --> 00:18:01,425 "To show I mean it, I put together a little surprise 370 00:18:01,550 --> 00:18:03,232 "for you and Karen upstairs. 371 00:18:03,522 --> 00:18:04,622 "Love, Lily." 372 00:18:04,834 --> 00:18:07,583 "P.S. Sorry the envelope was already open. 373 00:18:07,708 --> 00:18:09,460 "I had to read what she wrote. 374 00:18:09,585 --> 00:18:10,585 "Marshall." 375 00:18:11,456 --> 00:18:12,964 Sabotaging our relationship? 376 00:18:13,269 --> 00:18:16,710 I got to say, even using the specially-ordered extra-low bar 377 00:18:16,835 --> 00:18:18,459 by which I judge your friends, 378 00:18:18,584 --> 00:18:20,262 Lily really outdid herself this time. 379 00:18:20,708 --> 00:18:22,598 Obviously, we can't ever see her again. 380 00:18:23,276 --> 00:18:25,559 I know. It's a big loss, right? 381 00:18:30,609 --> 00:18:32,643 Remember your old college roommate? 382 00:18:33,076 --> 00:18:36,445 He was married to that shrill little idiot girl. 383 00:18:39,503 --> 00:18:40,866 It's been so long. 384 00:18:41,036 --> 00:18:42,432 God, I hated him. 385 00:18:43,281 --> 00:18:45,018 Anyway, here's his obituary. 386 00:18:47,193 --> 00:18:48,792 I realized, maybe it shouldn't matter 387 00:18:48,961 --> 00:18:50,918 what my friends think of my girlfriend, 388 00:18:51,560 --> 00:18:54,588 but it sure as hell matters what my girlfriend thinks of my friends. 389 00:18:56,478 --> 00:18:58,271 - So you ended it? - Yeah. 390 00:19:00,392 --> 00:19:02,143 So if you want to be my plus one, 391 00:19:02,268 --> 00:19:03,830 Lily's a damn good cook. 392 00:19:05,391 --> 00:19:07,600 Beef pot pie, mac and cheese, 393 00:19:07,725 --> 00:19:09,518 homemade buttermilk biscuits. 394 00:19:10,065 --> 00:19:11,731 No wonder Marshall dies at 68. 395 00:19:14,442 --> 00:19:15,442 Thank you. 396 00:19:15,831 --> 00:19:18,393 So, Robin and I enjoyed a gourmet dinner. 397 00:19:18,518 --> 00:19:20,267 For her it was breakfast. 398 00:19:20,392 --> 00:19:23,670 And we ended up doing exactly what Lily wanted us to do all along: 399 00:19:24,060 --> 00:19:25,975 we talked about our relationship. 400 00:19:27,335 --> 00:19:30,123 So, Lily broke us up, sort of. 401 00:19:32,504 --> 00:19:33,920 Kind of makes you wonder. 402 00:19:35,516 --> 00:19:37,453 I mean, if it weren't for her, 403 00:19:37,578 --> 00:19:39,675 would we still be dating right now? 404 00:19:40,296 --> 00:19:41,010 Maybe. 405 00:19:43,138 --> 00:19:44,222 But Lily was right. 406 00:19:45,475 --> 00:19:48,642 We weren't ready. We both need to move on, do our own thing. 407 00:19:49,855 --> 00:19:51,393 Still do, I guess. 408 00:19:54,264 --> 00:19:55,864 We should make a pact. 409 00:19:56,203 --> 00:19:59,328 If the years go by, and we both turn 40, 410 00:19:59,453 --> 00:20:00,697 and we're still single... 411 00:20:10,074 --> 00:20:11,833 Will you be my backup wife? 412 00:20:13,117 --> 00:20:15,581 A girl always dreams of hearing those words. 413 00:20:16,897 --> 00:20:18,376 A million times, yes! 414 00:20:26,141 --> 00:20:27,307 All right, it's a deal. 415 00:20:29,700 --> 00:20:31,699 So, should we set up some ground rules for this? 416 00:20:31,824 --> 00:20:33,263 - Like what? - I don't know. 417 00:20:33,388 --> 00:20:35,666 Like neither one of us can get super fat. Stuff like that. 418 00:20:35,791 --> 00:20:37,883 Okay, I only have one: you can't wear a nightshirt. 419 00:20:38,008 --> 00:20:39,860 I will never wear a nightshirt. 420 00:20:58,326 --> 00:20:59,339 Never mind.