1
00:00:01,891 --> 00:00:04,033
You will not believe what happened

2
00:00:04,154 --> 00:00:05,720
at laser tag last night.

3
00:00:05,755 --> 00:00:07,252
People freaked out because

4
00:00:07,287 --> 00:00:09,929
a creepy man in a suit wouldn't leave their kids alone?

5
00:00:09,964 --> 00:00:11,596
No.

6
00:00:11,631 --> 00:00:13,433
Well, yeah, pretty much.

7
00:00:18,298 --> 00:00:19,339
Come on!

8
00:00:21,501 --> 00:00:23,703
Ow! My shoulder!

9
00:00:23,738 --> 00:00:25,345
Come on.

10
00:00:26,876 --> 00:00:28,908
Stinson, my office! Now!

11
00:00:28,943 --> 00:00:30,180
Crap.

12
00:00:31,181 --> 00:00:32,647
Disorderly game play,

13
00:00:32,682 --> 00:00:34,113
three counts of shoving,

14
00:00:34,148 --> 00:00:35,220
and now this!

15
00:00:35,255 --> 00:00:37,682
Stinson, you're a liability!

16
00:00:37,717 --> 00:00:40,960
I know I don't play by your precious rules, McCracken,

17
00:00:40,995 --> 00:00:43,558
but, damn it, I get results!

18
00:00:43,593 --> 00:00:46,526
Look, you're a good laser tag player.

19
00:00:46,561 --> 00:00:48,163
Maybe the best I've ever seen.

20
00:00:48,198 --> 00:00:51,801
But one of these days, you're gonna get someone hurt.

21
00:00:51,836 --> 00:00:52,897
Maybe even yourself.

22
00:00:52,932 --> 00:00:55,500
You just forgot what it's like out there.

23
00:00:55,535 --> 00:00:58,578
You've had your fat ass stuck behind that desk for too long.

24
00:00:58,613 --> 00:00:59,744
That's it!

25
00:00:59,779 --> 00:01:00,875
You're out of here, Stinson!

26
00:01:00,910 --> 00:01:02,842
Hand in your gun and your ID badge!

27
00:01:02,877 --> 00:01:04,344
With pleasure.

28
00:01:07,687 --> 00:01:09,269
Please don't do this.

29
00:01:09,304 --> 00:01:10,662
This game is all I got.

30
00:01:10,697 --> 00:01:11,986
And I've almost got

31
00:01:12,021 --> 00:01:14,824
enough tickets for the remote control helicopter.

32
00:01:15,525 --> 00:01:17,497
Please.

33
00:01:19,098 --> 00:01:22,197
I can't believe I'm doing this.

34
00:01:22,232 --> 00:01:25,405
But I'm gonna give you one last shot.

35
00:01:25,440 --> 00:01:26,571
But so help me,

36
00:01:26,606 --> 00:01:29,404
if you so much as step one toe out of line,

37
00:01:29,439 --> 00:01:31,811
you're gonna be playing Duck Hunt in your mama's basement

38
00:01:31,846 --> 00:01:33,473
so fast it's gonna make your head spin.

39
00:01:34,244 --> 00:01:35,475
Now, get out of here!

40
00:01:39,349 --> 00:01:41,381
You won't regret this.

41
00:01:47,056 --> 00:01:49,174
That's it, Stinson.

42
00:01:49,209 --> 00:01:51,291
You're banned for life!

43
00:01:54,464 --> 00:01:58,137
No...!

44
00:02:12,882 --> 00:02:15,285
I can't believe you got kicked out of laser tag.

45
00:02:15,320 --> 00:02:16,120
What are you gonna do?

46
00:02:16,156 --> 00:02:18,723
What am I gonna do? What am I gonna do?

47
00:02:18,758 --> 00:02:21,291
I'll tell you what Ted and I are gonna do.

48
00:02:21,326 --> 00:02:24,093
We're gonna break in after hours

49
00:02:24,128 --> 00:02:26,991
TP?
and TP the place.

50
00:02:27,026 --> 00:02:30,330
Barney, we are too old to cover a place in toilet paper

51
00:02:30,365 --> 00:02:32,372
just because they won't let you play laser tag.

52
00:02:32,407 --> 00:02:33,620
And for that matter,

53
00:02:33,655 --> 00:02:34,799
too old for laser tag.

54
00:02:34,834 --> 00:02:37,472
Ted, laser tag knows no age restrictions.

55
00:02:37,507 --> 00:02:40,109
Kind of like stripping in the Midwest.

56
00:02:40,144 --> 00:02:41,676
Yeah, whatever.

57
00:02:41,711 --> 00:02:43,813
I'm adding laser tag to the Murtaugh List.

58
00:02:43,848 --> 00:02:46,216
Oh, jeez, not the Murtaugh List

59
00:02:46,251 --> 00:02:47,647
What's the Murtaugh List?

60
00:02:49,649 --> 00:02:51,216
around the time I turned 30.

61
00:02:51,251 --> 00:02:53,823
It all started with your Uncle Marshall's beer bong.

62
00:02:57,297 --> 00:02:59,459
every time we had a party, that beer bong came out.

63
00:03:04,704 --> 00:03:06,566
the next day would go like this.

64
00:03:08,968 --> 00:03:10,810
the next day would go like this.

65
00:03:12,542 --> 00:03:16,446
Then one day, in the throes of the worst hangover of my life,

66
00:03:16,481 --> 00:03:18,578
I realized there was only one person in the world

67
00:03:18,613 --> 00:03:19,944
that I could relate to:

68
00:03:19,979 --> 00:03:23,067
Detective Roger Murtaugh, played by Danny Glover

69
00:03:23,102 --> 00:03:25,765
in the '80s noir masterpiece Lethal Weapon,

70
00:03:25,800 --> 00:03:28,428
known for his often-quoted catchphrase:

71
00:03:28,463 --> 00:03:29,489
I'm too old for this...

72
00:03:29,524 --> 00:03:30,625
Stuff.

73
00:03:30,660 --> 00:03:33,012
He said, "I'm too old for this stuff."

74
00:03:33,047 --> 00:03:35,330
It's sad to admit, but as you get older,

75
00:03:35,365 --> 00:03:37,237
there's just certain things you can't do anymore.

76
00:03:37,272 --> 00:03:38,563
That's why I have this list,

77
00:03:38,598 --> 00:03:40,620
so I never make the mistake of thinking

78
00:03:40,655 --> 00:03:42,642
that I can still pull an all-nighter.

79
00:03:43,843 --> 00:03:46,040
I'm too old for that stuff.

80
00:03:46,075 --> 00:03:48,208
Or eat an entire pizza in one sitting.

81
00:03:48,243 --> 00:03:51,145
I'm too old for that stuff.

82
00:03:51,181 --> 00:03:54,554
Or hang posters on your wall without frames.

83
00:03:54,589 --> 00:03:56,238
Riggs.

84
00:03:56,273 --> 00:03:57,852
Riggs!

85
00:03:57,887 --> 00:03:59,454
I'm too old for that stuff.

86
00:03:59,489 --> 00:04:01,841
By the way, how good is Lethal Weapon?

87
00:04:01,876 --> 00:04:04,159
Oh, I don't know.It's kind of a rip-off.

88
00:04:04,194 --> 00:04:06,796
Old guy paired up with a young, renegade cop.

89
00:04:06,831 --> 00:04:08,127
Sound familiar?

90
00:04:09,199 --> 00:04:11,030
Mackleroy and LeFleur.

91
00:04:11,831 --> 00:04:13,398
Don't tell me you guys

92
00:04:13,433 --> 00:04:15,074
have never seen Mackleroy and LeFleur.

93
00:04:15,575 --> 00:04:18,838
It's the greatest Canadian action movie of all time.

94
00:04:19,679 --> 00:04:22,006
Mackleroy is a young, renegade Mountie

95
00:04:22,041 --> 00:04:23,748
whose horse was just killed by evil Americans,

96
00:04:23,783 --> 00:04:27,887
while LeFleur, his grouchy, old, African-Canadian partner,

97
00:04:27,922 --> 00:04:29,083
just bought a cozy ice

98
00:04:29,118 --> 00:04:31,120
fishing shack in northern Alberta...

99
00:04:33,693 --> 00:04:34,694
All right, I got to go.

100
00:04:34,729 --> 00:04:35,760
Bye, baby.

101
00:04:35,795 --> 00:04:37,026
Have fun at practice.

102
00:04:37,061 --> 00:04:38,022
Practice?

103
00:04:38,057 --> 00:04:40,129
Is he doing that one-man band thing again?

104
00:04:40,165 --> 00:04:41,831
'Cause that was a bummer.

105
00:04:41,866 --> 00:04:43,398
Actually,

106
00:04:43,433 --> 00:04:44,799
Marshall had just taken over

107
00:04:44,834 --> 00:04:46,936
as coach for Lily's kindergarten basketball team.

108
00:04:46,971 --> 00:04:48,173
He thought it'd be fun,

109
00:04:48,208 --> 00:04:49,909
but Lily saw it as something more—

110
00:04:49,944 --> 00:04:51,511
dad practice.

111
00:04:51,546 --> 00:04:52,507
Hi.

112
00:04:52,542 --> 00:04:54,579
Hey! Oh, my gosh!

113
00:04:54,614 --> 00:04:56,876
Orange slices. That is so sweet.

114
00:04:56,911 --> 00:04:58,077
What are you doing here?

115
00:04:58,112 --> 00:04:59,184
I couldn't resist.

116
00:04:59,219 --> 00:05:01,681
I wanted to see Coach Marshmallow do his thing.

117
00:05:01,716 --> 00:05:03,220
Oh. Okay.

118
00:05:03,255 --> 00:05:04,689
Hey, kids,

119
00:05:04,724 --> 00:05:06,451
who wants to knock off early

120
00:05:06,486 --> 00:05:09,189
and have some of these here orange slices?

121
00:05:11,090 --> 00:05:12,397
Yeah? Well, you can't!

122
00:05:12,432 --> 00:05:14,764
Because oranges are for winners,

123
00:05:14,799 --> 00:05:15,830
and you little turds

124
00:05:15,865 --> 00:05:17,637
haven't even made a single shot yet!

125
00:05:17,672 --> 00:05:19,604
You're embarrassing yourselves,

126
00:05:19,639 --> 00:05:23,203
you're embarrassing Ms. Aldrin, and worst of all,

127
00:05:23,238 --> 00:05:24,574
you're embarrassing me!

128
00:05:24,609 --> 00:05:25,670
That's it!

129
00:05:25,705 --> 00:05:27,307
Suicides! Baseline! Now!

130
00:05:29,249 --> 00:05:30,810
Run.

131
00:05:32,111 --> 00:05:35,285
Ted, there is not a single thing on here

132
00:05:35,320 --> 00:05:37,352
that you are too old to do.

133
00:05:37,387 --> 00:05:39,719
In fact, if you did everything on the Murtaugh List,

134
00:05:39,754 --> 00:05:41,461
I'd call that a pretty fun weekend.

135
00:05:43,363 --> 00:05:46,226
If you did everything on that list, you would die.

136
00:05:46,261 --> 00:05:50,600
- That wasn't a challenge.-Challenge accepted.

137
00:05:52,332 --> 00:05:54,669
I'm going to do every single thing on this list.

138
00:05:54,704 --> 00:05:59,679
And after I do, you will TP the laser tag place with me.

139
00:05:59,714 --> 00:06:01,263
And if you can't do it?

140
00:06:01,298 --> 00:06:02,777
I will spend three hours

141
00:06:02,812 --> 00:06:05,715
listening to you talk about architecture.

142
00:06:05,750 --> 00:06:07,899
You have got yourself a deal.

143
00:06:07,934 --> 00:06:10,049
Robin, will you do the honors?

144
00:06:10,084 --> 00:06:11,551
A gentleman's agreement!

145
00:06:11,586 --> 00:06:12,717
Huzzah!

146
00:06:12,752 --> 00:06:14,824
All right, chumps, let's do this.

147
00:06:14,859 --> 00:06:18,092
Barney Stinson!

148
00:06:18,127 --> 00:06:20,330
You really want to make this bet with him?

149
00:06:20,365 --> 00:06:21,196
You know how he is.

150
00:06:21,231 --> 00:06:24,003
Robin, there is some pretty tough stuff on that list.

151
00:06:24,038 --> 00:06:25,870
I mean, do you really think

152
00:06:25,905 --> 00:06:27,537
Barney's gonna get his ear pierced?

153
00:06:27,572 --> 00:06:29,068
"Get ear pierced."

154
00:06:29,103 --> 00:06:30,074
Check.

155
00:06:30,109 --> 00:06:31,861
All right, I'm off to go

156
00:06:31,896 --> 00:06:33,613
do laundry at Mom's house.

157
00:06:39,199 --> 00:06:41,401
Hey, you guys mind if I crash on your futon tonight?

158
00:06:41,436 --> 00:06:43,084
We don't have a futon.

159
00:06:43,119 --> 00:06:44,699
Put it over there, boys.

160
00:06:44,734 --> 00:06:46,636
What's going on? It's on the Murtaugh List.

161
00:06:46,671 --> 00:06:48,533
"Crash on a friend's futon

162
00:06:48,568 --> 00:06:50,755
instead of getting a hotel room."

163
00:06:50,790 --> 00:06:52,732
Ooh, I am too old for that stuff.

164
00:06:52,767 --> 00:06:54,639
Dude, what's going on with your ear?

165
00:06:54,674 --> 00:06:57,217
Looks like the inside of a jack-o'-lantern on November 3rd.

166
00:06:57,252 --> 00:06:59,143
What, this?

167
00:06:59,179 --> 00:07:00,885
Ah, just a little infecsh.

168
00:07:00,920 --> 00:07:02,947
Nothing a young guy like me can't shake off.

169
00:07:02,982 --> 00:07:05,625
Plus, "Put off going to the doctor," on the list.

170
00:07:06,686 --> 00:07:09,073
Oh, hold on.

171
00:07:09,108 --> 00:07:11,461
Go for Bar...

172
00:07:13,793 --> 00:07:16,161
Keep running!

173
00:07:16,196 --> 00:07:17,702
You know what's funny, is I was

174
00:07:17,737 --> 00:07:19,369
supposed to come here to teach them—

175
00:07:19,404 --> 00:07:21,736
Do not stop running!

176
00:07:21,771 --> 00:07:25,475
This whole time, they've been the ones who are teaching me.

177
00:07:29,349 --> 00:07:31,451
That's not running! That's falling!

178
00:07:32,552 --> 00:07:33,518
The next morning,

179
00:07:33,553 --> 00:07:37,086
Barney woke up on the futon in our living room.

180
00:07:42,722 --> 00:07:44,459
Check.

181
00:07:44,494 --> 00:07:47,096
"Drinking shots with strangers."

182
00:07:47,131 --> 00:07:48,263
Check.

183
00:07:48,298 --> 00:07:49,964
You okay, Barney?

184
00:07:49,999 --> 00:07:51,601
It looks like you hurt your back.

185
00:07:51,636 --> 00:07:52,797
Oh, no.

186
00:07:52,832 --> 00:07:54,504
Just rocking a party hunch.

187
00:07:54,539 --> 00:07:55,870
I like it.

188
00:07:55,905 --> 00:07:57,477
Closer to my booze.

189
00:07:57,512 --> 00:07:58,838
To youth.

190
00:08:08,818 --> 00:08:10,255
Can I get a straw?

191
00:08:10,290 --> 00:08:12,487
I must say, there's something admirable

192
00:08:12,522 --> 00:08:14,594
about the way Barney wants to stay young at heart.

193
00:08:14,629 --> 00:08:16,356
I mean, who wants to get old?

194
00:08:16,391 --> 00:08:17,757
This guy.

195
00:08:18,428 --> 00:08:21,296
Robin, life is a meal

196
00:08:21,331 --> 00:08:23,027
and old age is the dessert.

197
00:08:23,062 --> 00:08:25,465
I spend so much of my time worrying about the future.

198
00:08:25,500 --> 00:08:26,736
You know, where's my career going?

199
00:08:26,771 --> 00:08:28,072
Who am I gonna marry?

200
00:08:28,107 --> 00:08:30,225
But when you're old, you don't worry,

201
00:08:30,260 --> 00:08:31,966
'cause that stuff's already happened.

202
00:08:32,001 --> 00:08:33,638
Plus, you get to wear comfy shoes

203
00:08:33,673 --> 00:08:36,546
and a chair takes you up and down the stairs, it's perfect.

204
00:08:36,581 --> 00:08:38,848
That's not perfect. That's pathetic.

205
00:08:38,883 --> 00:08:40,602
You can't just jump to the end.

206
00:08:40,637 --> 00:08:42,322
The journey is the best part.

207
00:08:42,357 --> 00:08:43,688
Oh, Robin.

208
00:08:43,723 --> 00:08:45,290
I used to feel that way, too,

209
00:08:45,325 --> 00:08:47,527
but you'll understand when you're a little bit older.

210
00:08:48,658 --> 00:08:50,195
Marshall, can you try

211
00:08:50,230 --> 00:08:52,412
not to pick on the kids today.

212
00:08:52,447 --> 00:08:54,559
I'm not picking on the kids, Lily.

213
00:08:54,594 --> 00:08:56,836
I'm picking on the culture of losing around here.

214
00:08:56,871 --> 00:08:58,233
I-I got to get them in shape

215
00:08:58,268 --> 00:08:59,699
if they're gonna win that game tomorrow.

216
00:08:59,734 --> 00:09:01,836
Win?

217
00:09:01,871 --> 00:09:03,343
We don't keep score.

218
00:09:03,378 --> 00:09:05,840
What?

219
00:09:05,875 --> 00:09:08,062
We don't keep score.

220
00:09:08,097 --> 00:09:10,215
You don't keep s...

221
00:09:10,250 --> 00:09:12,782
What's the point of playing if you don't keep score?

222
00:09:12,817 --> 00:09:14,118
How do you know...

223
00:09:14,154 --> 00:09:16,886
Lily, what were you doing with this team before I got here?

224
00:09:16,921 --> 00:09:18,623
I was coaching them.

225
00:09:18,658 --> 00:09:21,756
That's it, my little angels.

226
00:09:21,791 --> 00:09:25,165
You're all luminous wonderful beings of light.

227
00:09:25,200 --> 00:09:26,191
What's the score?

228
00:09:26,226 --> 00:09:28,298
It's all tied up at fun to fun!

229
00:09:30,670 --> 00:09:32,432
Because that's the point of playing— to have fun.

230
00:09:32,467 --> 00:09:33,538
No.

231
00:09:33,573 --> 00:09:36,441
The point of playing is to win the trophy.

232
00:09:36,476 --> 00:09:39,639
And if you don't know who's winning, who gets the trophy?

233
00:09:39,674 --> 00:09:41,276
Everyone.

234
00:09:41,311 --> 00:09:44,864
It's a participation trophy; everyone gets one.

235
00:09:44,899 --> 00:09:48,418
It's like you're speaking Chinese to me right now.

236
00:09:49,519 --> 00:09:50,990
Hi, this is Barney.

237
00:09:51,025 --> 00:09:51,786
And Robin.

238
00:09:51,821 --> 00:09:53,092
We can't answer the phone right now because...

239
00:09:53,127 --> 00:09:54,824
He's watching sports and I'm...

240
00:09:54,859 --> 00:09:56,196
Probably out shopping.

241
00:09:57,327 --> 00:09:59,028
Leave a message and we'll call you back just as soon...

242
00:09:59,063 --> 00:10:00,482
As... We...

243
00:10:00,517 --> 00:10:01,901
- Can! - Can!

244
00:10:02,802 --> 00:10:04,534
"Leave an annoying two-person message

245
00:10:04,569 --> 00:10:05,705
on your answering machine."

246
00:10:05,740 --> 00:10:06,906
Check.

247
00:10:07,907 --> 00:10:10,610
Probably gonna cost me some dates but it's okay.

248
00:10:10,645 --> 00:10:13,713
Barney, your ear's starting to smell.

249
00:10:13,748 --> 00:10:15,940
Nah, it's good.

250
00:10:15,975 --> 00:10:17,382
I hate to send it back,

251
00:10:17,417 --> 00:10:20,350
but you did describe the turkey as extremely lean,

252
00:10:20,385 --> 00:10:22,552
and, well, you tell me.

253
00:10:22,587 --> 00:10:24,120
All right.

254
00:10:24,156 --> 00:10:25,620
That's it.

255
00:10:25,655 --> 00:10:27,051
- We have our own list. -What?

256
00:10:27,086 --> 00:10:29,329
This is a list of things you're too young to do.

257
00:10:29,364 --> 00:10:31,055
Go out and do each one of these things

258
00:10:31,090 --> 00:10:33,433
and then tell me you still want to be an old man.

259
00:10:33,468 --> 00:10:35,730
Remove "colonoscopy"

260
00:10:35,765 --> 00:10:39,199
and "Have sex with an old lady," and this is a cakewalk.

261
00:10:40,970 --> 00:10:42,267
New stakes, then.

262
00:10:42,302 --> 00:10:44,574
If I can finish your list before you finish mine,

263
00:10:44,609 --> 00:10:46,878
you have to come with me to TP laser tag

264
00:10:46,913 --> 00:10:48,946
and you have to buy the toilet paper.

265
00:10:48,981 --> 00:10:50,980
And none of that biodegradable crap.

266
00:10:51,015 --> 00:10:52,447
I want it up there forever.

267
00:10:52,482 --> 00:10:54,654
Fine, but if I finish your list first,

268
00:10:54,689 --> 00:10:56,681
it's a six hour survey

269
00:10:56,716 --> 00:10:58,618
of early 20th century American architecture

270
00:10:58,653 --> 00:10:59,806
and you can never do anything

271
00:10:59,841 --> 00:11:00,960
on the Murtaugh List ever again.

272
00:11:00,995 --> 00:11:02,056
It's for your own good.

273
00:11:02,091 --> 00:11:04,123
You, sir, have got yourself a deal.

274
00:11:04,159 --> 00:11:06,666
A gentleman's agreement!

275
00:11:06,701 --> 00:11:07,867
Huzzah!

276
00:11:10,270 --> 00:11:12,422
Marshall, they're in kindergarten.

277
00:11:12,457 --> 00:11:14,631
This isn't how you teach basketball.

278
00:11:14,666 --> 00:11:16,806
Sure it is. It's the way I learned.

279
00:11:16,841 --> 00:11:18,673
Are you kidding me?

280
00:11:18,708 --> 00:11:21,681
What kind of sociopath taught you this way?

281
00:11:23,913 --> 00:11:25,850
Come on, Dad. I'm tired.

282
00:11:25,885 --> 00:11:27,752
Sleep is for winners.

283
00:11:27,787 --> 00:11:30,089
You can go to bed when you score a basket.

284
00:11:30,124 --> 00:11:31,115
I'm trying.

285
00:11:31,151 --> 00:11:33,117
Oh, let's give you two points for trying.

286
00:11:33,153 --> 00:11:36,626
But negative two points for having a great big head.

287
00:11:36,661 --> 00:11:39,931
My father gave me no quarter

288
00:11:39,966 --> 00:11:43,203
and I asked for no quarter.

289
00:11:44,504 --> 00:11:46,766
I totally got to call that guy.

290
00:11:47,637 --> 00:11:50,370
Keep stretching!

291
00:11:53,673 --> 00:11:56,511
"Put on reading glasses." Check.

292
00:11:56,546 --> 00:11:59,349
"Yell at neighborhood kids."

293
00:11:59,384 --> 00:12:01,381
My pleasure.

294
00:12:04,184 --> 00:12:05,835
What the hell happened to you?

295
00:12:05,870 --> 00:12:07,452
Oh, I just had a very minor

296
00:12:07,487 --> 00:12:09,929
"blew out my knee and it hurts like hell" incident.

297
00:12:09,964 --> 00:12:11,326
How did you blow out your knee?

298
00:12:11,361 --> 00:12:14,234
We, uh, "Helped someone move out of a sixth floor walk-up

299
00:12:14,269 --> 00:12:15,960
in exchange for pizza and beer."

300
00:12:15,995 --> 00:12:18,463
Or we, uh, helped someone rob a sixth floor walk-up.

301
00:12:18,498 --> 00:12:21,641
They were in a big hurry and left all the pictures behind.

302
00:12:21,676 --> 00:12:23,725
Whatevs, it counts.

303
00:12:23,760 --> 00:12:25,740
Now, I am off to

304
00:12:25,775 --> 00:12:27,612
"Dye my hair a funny color,"

305
00:12:27,647 --> 00:12:30,280
and then we are going to, "Go to a rave."

306
00:12:31,681 --> 00:12:32,817
Ooh, 4:00!

307
00:12:32,852 --> 00:12:33,953
Supper time.

308
00:12:33,988 --> 00:12:35,180
Okay.

309
00:12:35,215 --> 00:12:37,056
So, your dad was tough on you.

310
00:12:37,091 --> 00:12:38,283
That stinks,

311
00:12:38,318 --> 00:12:40,155
but you don't have to be like him.

312
00:12:40,190 --> 00:12:41,991
You can learn from his mistakes.

313
00:12:42,026 --> 00:12:44,789
Mistakes? Lily, scoreboard.

314
00:12:44,824 --> 00:12:47,167
The guy nailed it, okay? He taught me how to be a winner.

315
00:12:47,202 --> 00:12:49,128
That's what I'm teaching these kids.

316
00:12:49,164 --> 00:12:50,465
And, for that matter,

317
00:12:50,500 --> 00:12:52,832
that's what I'm gonna teach our kids someday.

318
00:12:52,867 --> 00:12:54,138
Okay, that's it.

319
00:12:54,174 --> 00:12:56,601
This is not how we're gonna raise our kids!

320
00:12:56,636 --> 00:12:59,209
And this is not how you're gonna coach this team!

321
00:12:59,244 --> 00:13:00,175
At tomorrow's game,

322
00:13:00,210 --> 00:13:02,347
if you are anything less

323
00:13:02,382 --> 00:13:05,885
than a teddy bear stuffed with cotton candy and rainbows,

324
00:13:05,920 --> 00:13:09,414
I will silent treatment your ass into the ground!

325
00:13:09,449 --> 00:13:11,991
You'll think the time I found your Internet search history

326
00:13:12,026 --> 00:13:14,154
was a freakin' picnic!

327
00:13:14,189 --> 00:13:15,595
Are we clear?

328
00:13:17,327 --> 00:13:18,498
Lily, there are many different philo...

329
00:13:18,533 --> 00:13:19,931
Are we clear?

330
00:13:19,966 --> 00:13:21,331
Yes, ma'am.

331
00:13:25,365 --> 00:13:26,536
You know, what's ironic is that now...

332
00:13:33,713 --> 00:13:35,280
Just call Ted.

333
00:13:35,315 --> 00:13:36,811
I want to go home.

334
00:13:36,846 --> 00:13:38,433
All right. I'm calling him.

335
00:13:38,468 --> 00:13:39,859
But it's 4:30 in the morning.

336
00:13:39,894 --> 00:13:41,251
He's not going to be awake.

337
00:13:41,286 --> 00:13:42,952
Up at 4:00...

338
00:13:42,987 --> 00:13:44,289
Check.

339
00:13:44,324 --> 00:13:46,251
Is he answering?

340
00:13:46,286 --> 00:13:48,338
I haven't dialed yet.

341
00:13:48,373 --> 00:13:50,390
Oh, please hurry, Robin.

342
00:13:50,425 --> 00:13:52,297
Ooh, perfect.

343
00:13:52,332 --> 00:13:54,664
"Take forever to answer the phone."

344
00:13:58,668 --> 00:13:59,904
Come on, Ted.

345
00:13:59,939 --> 00:14:01,166
Someone gave me some aspirin

346
00:14:01,201 --> 00:14:02,802
and I don't think it was aspirin.

347
00:14:09,048 --> 00:14:11,216
Check.

348
00:14:11,251 --> 00:14:15,014
So, I know that I have been a little tough on you

349
00:14:15,049 --> 00:14:17,519
for the past couple days.

350
00:14:17,554 --> 00:14:19,989
And I apologize for that.

351
00:14:21,261 --> 00:14:24,224
So today, we're not gonna worry about winning.

352
00:14:24,259 --> 00:14:25,995
We're gonna go out there and...

353
00:14:26,030 --> 00:14:27,697
have fun.

354
00:14:28,728 --> 00:14:30,265
Kids, over the years,

355
00:14:30,300 --> 00:14:32,152
your Uncle Marshall has told and retold

356
00:14:32,187 --> 00:14:34,003
the story of this game hundreds of times.

357
00:14:34,038 --> 00:14:35,099
And in reality,

358
00:14:35,134 --> 00:14:36,171
the kids on that other team

359
00:14:36,206 --> 00:14:38,142
were probably only a grade older

360
00:14:38,178 --> 00:14:40,109
But, in telling and retelling the story,

361
00:14:40,144 --> 00:14:42,482
they came to look like this.

362
00:14:42,517 --> 00:14:44,684
Let's go, baby!

363
00:14:52,822 --> 00:14:55,560
Yay! Way to let them score that easily.

364
00:14:55,595 --> 00:14:58,298
Oh, now you're sitting down. Awesome.

365
00:15:03,303 --> 00:15:05,320
Addison, it's not soccer.

366
00:15:05,355 --> 00:15:07,337
You don't kick the ball!

367
00:15:08,308 --> 00:15:11,271
Unless that's something that you think is fun,

368
00:15:11,306 --> 00:15:15,114
in which case, great job having fun.

369
00:15:18,278 --> 00:15:19,749
Whoa, that was a foul, wasn't it, Ref?

370
00:15:19,784 --> 00:15:21,521
My name's not Ref. It's Kenny.

371
00:15:21,556 --> 00:15:22,839
And watch your tone.

372
00:15:22,874 --> 00:15:24,049
Oh, no tone, Kenny.

373
00:15:24,084 --> 00:15:25,585
Great job, Kenny.

374
00:15:25,620 --> 00:15:27,204
Thanks a lot, Kenny.

375
00:15:27,239 --> 00:15:28,614
See you later, Kenny.

376
00:15:28,649 --> 00:15:30,290
All right, Barney.

377
00:15:30,325 --> 00:15:31,896
As your manager,

378
00:15:31,931 --> 00:15:34,734
This bet is over. Your ear looks like

379
00:15:34,769 --> 00:15:37,437
a free Danish

380
00:15:37,472 --> 00:15:39,164
Ow! No.

381
00:15:39,199 --> 00:15:40,570
No. One thing left.

382
00:15:40,605 --> 00:15:41,806
"Beer bong."

383
00:15:41,841 --> 00:15:44,574
Oh! Coming right up.

384
00:15:45,875 --> 00:15:47,512
Oh, I, uh,

385
00:15:47,547 --> 00:15:50,410
found these weird Russian beers in the basement.

386
00:15:50,445 --> 00:15:53,253
Russian beers? I'll take a brewski.

387
00:15:53,288 --> 00:15:55,837
Hey. Brewski. Get it?

388
00:15:55,872 --> 00:15:58,015
Yeah, it's, uh...

389
00:15:58,050 --> 00:16:00,124
It's a little warm.

390
00:16:00,160 --> 00:16:01,391
Hope that's not a problem.

391
00:16:01,426 --> 00:16:03,059
Uh... no.

392
00:16:03,094 --> 00:16:04,895
Uh, no.

393
00:16:04,930 --> 00:16:06,661
Okay.

394
00:16:06,696 --> 00:16:08,913
Ah! I... All right, Ted.

395
00:16:08,948 --> 00:16:11,010
You win. I hate this.

396
00:16:11,045 --> 00:16:13,037
I hate all of it.

397
00:16:13,072 --> 00:16:14,639
My back is killing me.

398
00:16:14,674 --> 00:16:17,106
Everyone at the rave thought I was a narc.

399
00:16:17,141 --> 00:16:20,712
My ear hurts so bad I can hear it...

400
00:16:20,747 --> 00:16:24,284
I can hear my own ear. Think about that.

401
00:16:25,144 --> 00:16:26,181
My clothes...

402
00:16:26,216 --> 00:16:27,417
What is it... What is it... What am I...

403
00:16:27,452 --> 00:16:29,013
Get this stuff off of me!

404
00:16:29,048 --> 00:16:31,621
Ted, I'll pay you double for your finest suit.

405
00:16:31,656 --> 00:16:34,654
Here's, uh, 30 bucks.

406
00:16:35,195 --> 00:16:37,026
And throw in the shoes.

407
00:16:37,061 --> 00:16:38,863
You win, Ted.

408
00:16:38,898 --> 00:16:42,131
I'll never do anything on the Murtaugh List again.

409
00:16:42,167 --> 00:16:44,986
I'm too old for this stuff.

410
00:16:45,021 --> 00:16:47,772
You know, Barney, last night,

411
00:16:47,807 --> 00:16:51,271
because it was on the list, and I couldn't sleep because...

412
00:16:51,306 --> 00:16:52,977
well, it was 8:00.

413
00:16:53,012 --> 00:16:54,714
So I decided to watch Lethal Weapon.

414
00:16:57,046 --> 00:16:59,179
And then, when I still couldn't sleep,

415
00:16:59,214 --> 00:17:01,321
I watched Lethal Weapon 2.

416
00:17:01,356 --> 00:17:03,153
And then I watched 3.

417
00:17:04,454 --> 00:17:07,357
And then, halfway through Lethal Weapon 4,

418
00:17:07,392 --> 00:17:08,853
is when it occurred to me...

419
00:17:08,888 --> 00:17:12,832
Murtaugh kept saying,"I'm too old for this stuff,"

420
00:17:12,867 --> 00:17:14,459
but every time he'd say it,

421
00:17:14,494 --> 00:17:16,396
he'd turn around, make another movie,

422
00:17:16,431 --> 00:17:18,468
and do more stuff.

423
00:17:19,539 --> 00:17:21,741
I guess what I'm saying is...

424
00:17:22,872 --> 00:17:24,374
screw being old.

425
00:17:26,045 --> 00:17:28,047
Let's go TP laser tag, huh?

426
00:17:29,309 --> 00:17:31,411
And then the hospital.

427
00:17:34,814 --> 00:17:36,321
Great job, guys.

428
00:17:36,356 --> 00:17:37,957
At least we're not keeping score, right?

429
00:17:37,992 --> 00:17:39,376
No idea what the score is.

430
00:17:39,411 --> 00:17:40,751
53?0
Could be 53 to zero.

431
00:17:40,786 --> 00:17:42,091
Could be some other score.

432
00:17:42,126 --> 00:17:43,988
It's 53 to zero.

433
00:17:44,023 --> 00:17:46,125
What are we doing wrong, Coach?

434
00:17:47,167 --> 00:17:48,698
You know what? You're not doing anything wrong.

435
00:17:48,733 --> 00:17:51,017
It's great that you guys are losing,

436
00:17:51,052 --> 00:17:53,303
because in life, it doesn't matter

437
00:17:53,338 --> 00:17:54,934
how much effort you put in,

438
00:17:54,969 --> 00:17:56,601
or how hard you try,

439
00:17:56,636 --> 00:17:58,943
people will just give you things.

440
00:17:58,978 --> 00:18:02,247
Like diplomas and jobs and promotions.

441
00:18:02,282 --> 00:18:04,314
So, it doesn't matter what you do out there,

442
00:18:04,349 --> 00:18:06,816
as long as... as long as you have fun.

443
00:18:06,851 --> 00:18:08,253
At that point,

444
00:18:08,288 --> 00:18:09,849
because they didn't want to fight in front of the kids,

445
00:18:09,884 --> 00:18:11,316
your Uncle Marshall and Aunt Lily

446
00:18:11,351 --> 00:18:12,992
had one of their telepathic conversations.

447
00:18:14,154 --> 00:18:15,805
Don't you give me that look.

448
00:18:15,840 --> 00:18:17,419
Lily, I can't take it anymore!

449
00:18:17,454 --> 00:18:18,998
Your way of coaching is crazy!

450
00:18:19,033 --> 00:18:20,600
Stop yelling at me!

451
00:18:20,635 --> 00:18:22,197
Sorry.

452
00:18:22,232 --> 00:18:25,330
But can I please do it my way?

453
00:18:25,365 --> 00:18:28,838
Fine, but I'm going to do it my way, too.

454
00:18:28,873 --> 00:18:30,310
I'm getting my guitar.

455
00:18:32,011 --> 00:18:34,244
I don't know if it was Marshall's tough attitude,

456
00:18:34,279 --> 00:18:36,411
Lily's gentle encouragement,

457
00:18:36,446 --> 00:18:38,263
or some magical combination of the two,

458
00:18:38,298 --> 00:18:40,044
but in the second half of that game,

459
00:18:40,079 --> 00:18:43,383
that ragtag group of little firecrackers...

460
00:18:43,418 --> 00:18:45,585
got beat down even worse.

461
00:18:47,827 --> 00:18:50,825
In fact, according to your Uncle Marshall,

462
00:18:50,860 --> 00:18:53,393
in the second half, the other team got even taller

463
00:18:53,428 --> 00:18:56,433
And one of them turned into a Teen Wolf.

464
00:18:56,468 --> 00:18:59,439
Kenny! There is a Teen Wolf on the court!

465
00:18:59,474 --> 00:19:01,536
That can't be legal.

466
00:19:01,571 --> 00:19:04,489
I know the Teen Wolf looks different, kids,

467
00:19:04,524 --> 00:19:07,407
but try to make sure he feels included.

468
00:19:26,566 --> 00:19:28,668
How is that not traveling, Kenny?

469
00:19:28,703 --> 00:19:29,734
You are killing me!

470
00:19:29,769 --> 00:19:31,371
You are absolutely killing me!

471
00:19:31,406 --> 00:19:32,497
Hey, watch it, Coach,

472
00:19:32,532 --> 00:19:33,833
or you'll get a technical.

473
00:19:33,868 --> 00:19:35,500
Oh, Kenny.

474
00:19:35,535 --> 00:19:37,937
I am begging you to give me a technical.

475
00:19:39,339 --> 00:19:41,506
When the final horn mercifully blew,

476
00:19:41,541 --> 00:19:45,785
the score was, by Marshall's estimate, 118 to nothing.

477
00:19:45,820 --> 00:19:47,282
And even though they didn't win anything,

478
00:19:47,317 --> 00:19:51,090
everyone, even the coach, got a participation trophy.

479
00:19:51,125 --> 00:19:53,423
I understand if you don't want it.

480
00:19:54,254 --> 00:19:56,256
I love it.

481
00:19:58,057 --> 00:19:59,494
I just... I worked so hard.

482
00:19:59,529 --> 00:20:01,331
It feels good to be appreciated for my effort.

483
00:20:01,366 --> 00:20:03,403
I know, baby.

484
00:20:07,106 --> 00:20:10,310
Maybe-maybe your way is not totally stupid.

485
00:20:10,345 --> 00:20:12,312
Thanks.

486
00:20:12,322 --> 00:20:14,794
Your way is totally stupid

487
00:20:21,541 --> 00:20:24,043
Stinson!

488
00:20:26,216 --> 00:20:28,643
Son...

489
00:20:28,678 --> 00:20:32,482
you have been a pain in my ass

490
00:20:33,983 --> 00:20:35,890
But damn it...

491
00:20:35,925 --> 00:20:39,659
if this ain't some of the finest TP work I've ever seen.

492
00:20:39,694 --> 00:20:41,978
You're reinstated...

493
00:20:42,013 --> 00:20:44,264
effective immediately.

494
00:20:44,299 --> 00:20:46,436
Really?

495
00:20:48,438 --> 00:20:50,205
Hell, no!

496
00:20:50,240 --> 00:20:52,937
I'm calling the police!

497
00:20:52,972 --> 00:20:54,909
Grown-ass man with pink hair throwing toilet paper.

498
00:20:54,944 --> 00:20:56,846
You've got to be kidding me, you're too old for this...

499
00:20:56,881 --> 00:20:59,679
staff, he said staff