1 00:00:02,099 --> 00:00:04,438 In May of 2009, I was on the verge of scoring 2 00:00:04,563 --> 00:00:07,220 my first big client as an independent architect. 3 00:00:07,345 --> 00:00:09,429 I was willing to do anything to make it happen. 4 00:00:09,782 --> 00:00:12,485 Here's what we want, son. It's real simple. 5 00:00:12,747 --> 00:00:14,894 We're opening a restaurant called Rib Town 6 00:00:15,307 --> 00:00:17,262 and we want it to be shaped 7 00:00:17,488 --> 00:00:19,115 like a cowboy hat. 8 00:00:20,143 --> 00:00:21,144 Anything. 9 00:00:21,416 --> 00:00:22,371 A cowboy hat? 10 00:00:23,458 --> 00:00:24,809 That's brilliant. 11 00:00:25,136 --> 00:00:25,996 I love it! 12 00:00:26,122 --> 00:00:29,302 I mean, nothing says delicious like the inside of a cowboy hat, right? 13 00:00:29,659 --> 00:00:31,687 Look, I'm telling you, I'm your guy. 14 00:00:33,268 --> 00:00:35,790 I think I was born to design this building. 15 00:00:35,915 --> 00:00:36,794 I just... 16 00:00:37,229 --> 00:00:38,122 I see it. 17 00:00:38,446 --> 00:00:41,493 I don't see it. I don't see it. I don't see it. 18 00:00:42,621 --> 00:00:44,081 What's so good about it? 19 00:00:44,622 --> 00:00:45,501 Up all night? 20 00:00:45,669 --> 00:00:47,888 I told these guys I have a vision for this thing. 21 00:00:48,013 --> 00:00:50,430 They want to see a pitch in a week and I got nothing. 22 00:00:50,845 --> 00:00:52,640 - It's cute. - Cute? 23 00:00:53,972 --> 00:00:57,149 I could be designing concert halls and bridges. 24 00:00:57,317 --> 00:01:00,196 Bridges so beautiful they could be in museums. 25 00:01:00,321 --> 00:01:02,701 And I could design those museums. 26 00:01:03,211 --> 00:01:06,231 But what am I designing instead? What has my career come to? 27 00:01:06,356 --> 00:01:10,245 A two-story Stetson with outdoor dining on the brim. 28 00:01:11,324 --> 00:01:13,292 It's a sick cosmic joke. 29 00:01:13,417 --> 00:01:15,269 The universe is conspiring against me. 30 00:01:16,248 --> 00:01:19,213 You just need to get out of the house. Take a walk. Get a bagel. 31 00:01:20,194 --> 00:01:21,893 Yeah, that'll solve everything. 32 00:01:22,018 --> 00:01:24,831 I haven't slept for 34 hours, but a bagel is the answer. 33 00:01:24,956 --> 00:01:27,918 A cinnamon raisin bagel with a little cream cheese. 34 00:01:28,709 --> 00:01:30,757 That sounds pretty good, I'm going to get a bagel. 35 00:01:31,316 --> 00:01:33,096 Bring an umbrella. It's supposed to rain, 36 00:01:33,221 --> 00:01:34,932 according to Galoshes, our weather clown. 37 00:01:35,101 --> 00:01:37,443 Your show has a clown who does the weather? 38 00:01:37,568 --> 00:01:39,033 That's a little cheesy, no? 39 00:01:39,943 --> 00:01:43,597 And what's that restaurant you're designing shaped like, Hoss? 40 00:01:44,950 --> 00:01:46,617 Fine. You want me out of the house, 41 00:01:46,742 --> 00:01:48,418 I'll get out of the house. 42 00:01:48,586 --> 00:01:52,440 Can't wait to see what the universe has lined up for me out there. 43 00:01:56,893 --> 00:01:59,951 Kids, I've been telling you the story of how I met your mother. 44 00:02:00,076 --> 00:02:02,444 And while there's many things to learn from this story, 45 00:02:02,569 --> 00:02:04,271 this may be the biggest. 46 00:02:04,599 --> 00:02:08,040 The great moments of your life won't necessarily be the things you do. 47 00:02:08,166 --> 00:02:10,846 They'll also be the things that happen to you. 48 00:02:10,971 --> 00:02:14,052 I'm not saying you can't take action to affect the outcome of your life. 49 00:02:14,720 --> 00:02:17,173 You have to take action, and you will. 50 00:02:18,152 --> 00:02:20,316 But never forget that, on any day, 51 00:02:20,441 --> 00:02:23,934 you could step out the front door and your whole life can change forever. 52 00:02:24,802 --> 00:02:27,133 You see, the universe has a plan, kids, 53 00:02:27,258 --> 00:02:29,208 and that plan is always in motion. 54 00:02:30,306 --> 00:02:32,305 A butterfly flaps its wings... 55 00:02:33,147 --> 00:02:34,898 and it starts to rain. 56 00:02:35,523 --> 00:02:38,380 It's a scary thought. But it's also kind of wonderful. 57 00:02:38,639 --> 00:02:41,642 All these little parts of the machine constantly working, 58 00:02:41,767 --> 00:02:44,599 making sure that you end up exactly where you're supposed to be, 59 00:02:44,724 --> 00:02:46,897 exactly when you're supposed to be there. 60 00:02:47,172 --> 00:02:49,830 The right place... at the right time. 61 00:02:51,587 --> 00:02:53,985 ShalimarFox, Arrow 62 00:03:07,204 --> 00:03:09,970 Kids, it's a miracle that I ended up on that street corner. 63 00:03:10,096 --> 00:03:13,045 Especially when you consider how easy it would have been not to end up there. 64 00:03:13,700 --> 00:03:15,717 I mean, when I first stepped out of the apartment, 65 00:03:15,885 --> 00:03:18,068 I almost went right instead of left. 66 00:03:18,194 --> 00:03:19,455 Why didn't I go right? 67 00:03:19,580 --> 00:03:21,521 To answer that, we have to go back a few days. 68 00:03:22,163 --> 00:03:24,944 As you know, back then, your Aunt Robin hosted a morning show. 69 00:03:25,395 --> 00:03:28,486 Now Eunice here makes all of these purses herself. 70 00:03:28,845 --> 00:03:31,480 They're hand embroidered with the world's finest silk. 71 00:03:31,605 --> 00:03:33,939 And each one takes months to make. 72 00:03:34,064 --> 00:03:37,156 I cannot emphasize how much work goes into... 73 00:03:41,300 --> 00:03:42,771 Go to weather, you idiot. 74 00:03:44,916 --> 00:03:46,220 Hey, everybody. 75 00:03:46,345 --> 00:03:49,118 We got a high pressure system coming in from the west and... 76 00:03:51,837 --> 00:03:55,102 On the plus side, I bought the cutest purse today. 77 00:03:55,767 --> 00:03:57,467 So, wait, why did you throw up? 78 00:03:58,321 --> 00:04:00,473 - You don't want to know. - Come on. Tell me. 79 00:04:01,902 --> 00:04:02,895 I'm pregnant. 80 00:04:03,488 --> 00:04:06,316 I will raise this child with you. You are not alone in this. 81 00:04:06,441 --> 00:04:09,239 We can even get married if you want, but I still want to see other girls, 82 00:04:09,364 --> 00:04:11,820 - it would've to be one of those kind... - God, stop it. 83 00:04:11,945 --> 00:04:14,335 I'm not pregnant. It's food poisoning. 84 00:04:16,005 --> 00:04:18,085 I ate something from this place, 85 00:04:18,210 --> 00:04:21,849 and three hours later, I was spewing like an open hydrant. 86 00:04:22,116 --> 00:04:25,440 - God. From where? - Well, that's a gross question. 87 00:04:25,608 --> 00:04:27,236 No, where was the food from? 88 00:04:29,140 --> 00:04:30,700 - I don't want to tell you. - What? 89 00:04:31,277 --> 00:04:33,899 Go to YouTube. Put in "Robin Scherbatsky morning show vomit" 90 00:04:34,024 --> 00:04:35,418 Robin, home so soon. 91 00:04:36,314 --> 00:04:38,091 Someone already put it on YouTube? 92 00:04:38,553 --> 00:04:40,115 Yeah... Someone. 93 00:04:42,225 --> 00:04:44,395 So... Why you been throwing up? You pregnant? 94 00:04:44,563 --> 00:04:46,399 Yeah, Barney. I'm pregnant. 95 00:04:51,154 --> 00:04:53,496 So, wait, why won't you tell me where you got food poisoning? 96 00:04:53,664 --> 00:04:56,752 You love this place. If I tell you, it'll just ruin it. 97 00:04:58,533 --> 00:05:00,314 - That makes sense. - Yeah. 98 00:05:00,439 --> 00:05:01,690 Don't tell me. 99 00:05:02,432 --> 00:05:04,768 Is it that Indian place where the cat jumps on all the tables? 100 00:05:04,936 --> 00:05:05,900 I'm not saying. 101 00:05:06,025 --> 00:05:09,131 - That Spanish place with baby's crib? - I'm not saying. 102 00:05:10,093 --> 00:05:10,947 God, no. 103 00:05:13,463 --> 00:05:15,790 Is it this place? Tell me, damn you! 104 00:05:15,958 --> 00:05:18,161 - You really want to know? - Yes! 105 00:05:18,622 --> 00:05:20,677 It's Schlegel's Bagels. 106 00:05:20,802 --> 00:05:22,554 Why did you tell me that? 107 00:05:23,107 --> 00:05:25,888 Schlegel's? Thanks a lot, Robin. 108 00:05:26,368 --> 00:05:28,531 Now I'm gonna have to try to find another place in NY 109 00:05:28,656 --> 00:05:30,194 that serves bagels. 110 00:05:32,325 --> 00:05:35,117 So, you see, kids, if I had gone to Schlegel's Bagels as usual, 111 00:05:35,242 --> 00:05:36,874 I would have taken a right. 112 00:05:37,618 --> 00:05:39,413 I would have gotten a bagel... 113 00:05:39,538 --> 00:05:41,634 gone home, worked on the old hat building, 114 00:05:42,132 --> 00:05:44,264 and you kids might never have been born. 115 00:05:44,801 --> 00:05:48,655 But I turned left instead, to go to my second-favorite bagel place 116 00:05:49,136 --> 00:05:50,837 and the rest is history. 117 00:05:51,090 --> 00:05:54,092 Of course, I stopped at that magazine stand on the way. 118 00:05:54,309 --> 00:05:56,705 Why did I stop there? Here's why. 119 00:06:02,885 --> 00:06:04,337 Bro's Life magazine. 120 00:06:05,107 --> 00:06:07,086 Page 83. Check it. 121 00:06:08,739 --> 00:06:11,438 "What your paintball gun says about your personality"? 122 00:06:11,563 --> 00:06:12,446 Below that. 123 00:06:13,023 --> 00:06:15,660 "That last five pounds: How to get her to lose them." 124 00:06:15,828 --> 00:06:17,080 Above that. 125 00:06:17,765 --> 00:06:19,418 Petra Petrova. 126 00:06:21,521 --> 00:06:25,221 Bro's Life magazine's girl of the year for may. 127 00:06:25,593 --> 00:06:28,491 A delicate flower in stiletto pumps and leopard panties, 128 00:06:28,616 --> 00:06:29,938 straddling an ATV. 129 00:06:30,107 --> 00:06:33,112 These magazines are so lame. I mean, she's probably airbrushed and enhanced. 130 00:06:33,280 --> 00:06:36,353 - I have a date with her. - You are my hero! Are you serious? 131 00:06:36,478 --> 00:06:39,147 - How do you have a date with her? - Not part of the story. 132 00:06:39,272 --> 00:06:42,271 Ted, I have been waiting a long time to say this. 133 00:06:43,009 --> 00:06:45,031 This girl is the one. 134 00:06:45,346 --> 00:06:47,532 Of course she's the one. You have to marry those. 135 00:06:47,657 --> 00:06:48,658 Her. 136 00:06:49,972 --> 00:06:50,973 Marry? 137 00:06:52,912 --> 00:06:56,242 I have something much, much more special in mind. 138 00:06:56,916 --> 00:06:59,071 Petra here, if all goes well, 139 00:06:59,280 --> 00:07:01,467 will be my... wait for it, two hundredth. 140 00:07:01,592 --> 00:07:03,339 Sorry, I couldn't wait. It's all exciting. 141 00:07:03,678 --> 00:07:06,512 Your two hundredth, as in "sex with"? 142 00:07:06,680 --> 00:07:08,202 As in "sex with." 143 00:07:08,327 --> 00:07:11,105 I request the highest of fives. 144 00:07:11,611 --> 00:07:13,985 Not if I was wearing a HazMat suit. 145 00:07:15,015 --> 00:07:16,503 200 is too many. 146 00:07:17,189 --> 00:07:21,175 Right, 'cause there can be too many of something wonderful. 147 00:07:21,300 --> 00:07:24,298 "Babe Ruth, easy, big fella. Let's not hit too many homers." 148 00:07:25,301 --> 00:07:28,416 "Steve Guttenberg, maybe just make three Police Academy movies. 149 00:07:28,541 --> 00:07:30,184 "America's laughed enough." 150 00:07:30,421 --> 00:07:31,729 Who are these girls? 151 00:07:32,161 --> 00:07:34,109 That was rhetorical. Don't show me the list. 152 00:07:34,277 --> 00:07:37,365 199 satisfied customers. 153 00:07:37,633 --> 00:07:39,870 Anyway, the big night is Thursday. 154 00:07:40,130 --> 00:07:42,917 I'm having a celebratory soirée beforehand at MacLaren's. 155 00:07:43,624 --> 00:07:46,656 Prepare a toast. Black tie optional, but preferred. 156 00:07:46,781 --> 00:07:50,119 Gifts are, look, I would say unnecessary, but follow your heart. 157 00:07:50,603 --> 00:07:51,769 200's too many. 158 00:07:51,937 --> 00:07:53,773 - It's not too many. - It's too many! 159 00:07:54,016 --> 00:07:56,069 - It's not too many. - Thank you. 160 00:07:56,238 --> 00:07:57,483 No, don't get me wrong. 161 00:07:57,608 --> 00:08:01,205 You're disgusting, and the cops should probably clamp a boot on your genitals, 162 00:08:01,373 --> 00:08:03,566 but that number should be higher. 163 00:08:03,691 --> 00:08:06,588 After Barney told me about all this, I crunched the numbers and, 164 00:08:06,713 --> 00:08:07,714 well... 165 00:08:07,927 --> 00:08:09,304 I had some charts made up. 166 00:08:11,313 --> 00:08:13,813 Barney here hits on roughly 20 girls a week. 167 00:08:14,301 --> 00:08:18,054 It's way more than 20. And B. Smooth don't do nothing roughly. 168 00:08:19,200 --> 00:08:21,282 Let's say 20. So, 20 girls a week means 169 00:08:21,407 --> 00:08:23,916 1,040 girls a year. 170 00:08:24,085 --> 00:08:26,762 In Barney's 16 years of sexual activity, 171 00:08:26,887 --> 00:08:30,888 that means he's hit on 16,640 girls. 172 00:08:31,259 --> 00:08:33,938 Now, if he's bedded 199 of them, 173 00:08:34,063 --> 00:08:35,965 that is a success rate of... 174 00:08:37,719 --> 00:08:41,033 a little over one percent. 175 00:08:41,756 --> 00:08:43,873 That's a batting average of 12, 176 00:08:44,041 --> 00:08:47,386 eight times worse than the career batting average of... 177 00:08:47,743 --> 00:08:49,923 one-handed pitcher, that's right, 178 00:08:50,454 --> 00:08:52,220 pitcher... Jim Abbott. 179 00:08:55,134 --> 00:08:55,897 Jealous. 180 00:08:56,430 --> 00:08:57,192 Jealous. 181 00:08:57,683 --> 00:08:58,569 Hero. 182 00:08:59,057 --> 00:09:01,113 Suspiciously quiet during this conversation 183 00:09:01,238 --> 00:09:03,871 about number of sex partners. Hero. 184 00:09:04,225 --> 00:09:07,086 It's the grand total. That's the only number that matters. 185 00:09:07,254 --> 00:09:09,306 - Says who? - Matthew Panning, 186 00:09:09,875 --> 00:09:12,555 the stud of Port Richmond Middle School. 187 00:09:12,932 --> 00:09:15,149 Stinson, you're such a dweeb-o. 188 00:09:15,274 --> 00:09:17,064 I bet you never even done it with a girl. 189 00:09:17,233 --> 00:09:18,634 Neither have you. 190 00:09:18,759 --> 00:09:21,007 How many times do I have to explain this? 191 00:09:21,133 --> 00:09:22,620 I've done it with 100 girls. 192 00:09:22,745 --> 00:09:25,248 They're seventh graders at my cousin's school on Long Island. 193 00:09:25,675 --> 00:09:28,963 Well, you know what, Matthew? Someday, I'm gonna do it with 200. 194 00:09:30,829 --> 00:09:32,762 Yeah. Call me when that happens. 195 00:09:34,435 --> 00:09:36,515 And call him I will. 196 00:09:37,588 --> 00:09:39,901 I think he's gonna say it again really slow. 197 00:09:40,615 --> 00:09:42,119 Call him... 198 00:09:43,272 --> 00:09:44,391 I will. 199 00:09:46,499 --> 00:09:49,967 You listed Gaby Allan twice, as 78 and 162. 200 00:09:50,093 --> 00:09:51,916 What? Let me see. 201 00:09:52,041 --> 00:09:53,093 Seventy... 202 00:09:53,414 --> 00:09:54,934 Once. Oh, my God. 203 00:09:56,003 --> 00:09:58,184 Wait a... I counted the same girl twice? 204 00:09:58,309 --> 00:10:00,610 That means I'm only at one 198? 205 00:10:00,778 --> 00:10:04,569 That only means that you're half a percent less gross than we thought. 206 00:10:05,045 --> 00:10:07,875 I'm seducing a Czech supermodel in two hours. 207 00:10:08,000 --> 00:10:10,294 I can't squander that on 199. 208 00:10:12,234 --> 00:10:14,441 Petra has to be 200. 209 00:10:14,722 --> 00:10:17,144 What are you gonna do? It's not like you're gonna find someone new 210 00:10:17,269 --> 00:10:19,458 to have sex with in the next two hours. 211 00:10:19,780 --> 00:10:21,923 Hi, millionaire astronaut. Want to come back to my place 212 00:10:22,048 --> 00:10:23,668 - and see some moon shells? - Go away. 213 00:10:23,793 --> 00:10:26,905 I just got back from my wife's grave. Put her in the ground a year ago today. 214 00:10:27,030 --> 00:10:28,915 Man, I miss her. I sure could use some comfort. 215 00:10:29,130 --> 00:10:30,252 You're creepy. 216 00:10:30,420 --> 00:10:33,137 Man, aren't you sick of all the games? I just want to settle down 217 00:10:33,262 --> 00:10:35,450 and have a gaggle of rug rats, like, right now. 218 00:10:35,575 --> 00:10:38,183 I have Mace, and I enjoy using it. 219 00:10:42,209 --> 00:10:45,339 Knowing how important this is to me, do you think Lily would even consider... 220 00:10:45,464 --> 00:10:47,829 - By the way, I would do all the work... - I will end your life. 221 00:10:47,998 --> 00:10:48,799 Right. 222 00:10:54,535 --> 00:10:56,596 Where'd Barney go? It's been over an hour. 223 00:10:56,765 --> 00:10:58,977 You know, looking over the names on this list, 224 00:10:59,103 --> 00:11:01,608 I'm not sensing a lot of ethnic diversity. 225 00:11:01,733 --> 00:11:03,694 He should really look at that in himself. 226 00:11:07,053 --> 00:11:08,120 All done. 227 00:11:08,492 --> 00:11:10,744 199 down, one more to go. 228 00:11:10,869 --> 00:11:12,491 You done with your drink? 229 00:11:14,981 --> 00:11:16,354 There's the stuff. 230 00:11:18,254 --> 00:11:20,006 What the hell happened to you? 231 00:11:20,132 --> 00:11:22,516 So, there's this girl at my gym... 232 00:11:22,787 --> 00:11:25,237 Pauline... she's been after me for some time. 233 00:11:25,450 --> 00:11:28,410 - Why'd you wait until now? - She's not exactly my type. 234 00:11:28,981 --> 00:11:30,831 Looking good, Pauline. 235 00:11:30,999 --> 00:11:32,269 You are gonna rip it up 236 00:11:32,394 --> 00:11:35,605 at the Women's Pumping Iron Classic in Sarasota this fall. 237 00:11:41,175 --> 00:11:43,750 I was thinking about you and me 238 00:11:45,173 --> 00:11:47,700 and if you're still interested... 239 00:11:48,535 --> 00:11:52,125 - Okay, blondie, time for Mama's cardio! - Geez! Mommy! 240 00:11:52,844 --> 00:11:53,922 Every inch of her 241 00:11:54,047 --> 00:11:56,221 tasted like roast beef and creatine. 242 00:11:58,639 --> 00:11:59,790 But I did it. 243 00:11:59,992 --> 00:12:03,245 I did it and I still have 30 minutes before I'm supposed to meet Petra. 244 00:12:03,370 --> 00:12:05,227 Robin, do you have any concealer handy? 245 00:12:05,352 --> 00:12:07,905 I'd really like to cover up some bruises and razor burn. 246 00:12:10,716 --> 00:12:13,458 - I hate to break this to you, but... - What? 247 00:12:13,885 --> 00:12:16,888 Well, you did count Gaby Allan twice, 248 00:12:17,013 --> 00:12:21,004 but... you also went from 138 to 138. 249 00:12:21,130 --> 00:12:22,518 You used the same number twice. 250 00:12:23,182 --> 00:12:24,441 Wait, so, that means... 251 00:12:25,033 --> 00:12:27,688 Pauline wasn't 199, Pauline was 200? 252 00:12:28,273 --> 00:12:29,407 Congratulations! 253 00:12:30,536 --> 00:12:32,734 No... That was supposed to be Petra! 254 00:12:32,859 --> 00:12:34,640 Petra was supposed to be 200! 255 00:12:35,044 --> 00:12:38,291 Gorgeous, feminine, "Doesn't wear a weight belt in bed," Petra! 256 00:12:38,469 --> 00:12:41,117 Hey, come on. You made it to 200. 257 00:12:41,557 --> 00:12:42,794 You should be proud. 258 00:12:43,046 --> 00:12:45,731 You should be tested, but you should be proud. 259 00:12:46,236 --> 00:12:49,197 Who cares if Pauline doesn't pose for bikini pictures in magazines? 260 00:12:49,614 --> 00:12:50,744 Actually, she does. 261 00:12:50,869 --> 00:12:53,705 She's gonna be in next week's issue of Muscle Sexxy. 262 00:12:53,872 --> 00:12:56,123 And like many of the ladies in that magazine, 263 00:12:56,248 --> 00:12:58,533 Sexxy has two X's and one Y. 264 00:13:01,319 --> 00:13:03,071 And so, on my way to get a bagel, 265 00:13:03,197 --> 00:13:05,199 I stopped at a newsstand for a full minute 266 00:13:05,324 --> 00:13:07,587 to check out a picture of Barney's 200th. 267 00:13:09,393 --> 00:13:10,531 If I hadn't done that, 268 00:13:10,703 --> 00:13:12,618 I would've walked right by the newsstand, 269 00:13:12,786 --> 00:13:15,748 cut down 77th and gotten to that corner a minute early. 270 00:13:16,023 --> 00:13:18,509 I would've gotten the bagel, done some work, 271 00:13:19,133 --> 00:13:21,010 and you kids might never have been born. 272 00:13:21,343 --> 00:13:23,017 Now, why did I cut down 77th, 273 00:13:23,308 --> 00:13:25,959 and give a dollar to the homeless guy? Here's why. 274 00:13:26,100 --> 00:13:28,900 Back when Marshall first started working at Goliath National Bank... 275 00:13:30,871 --> 00:13:34,169 Fran, I don't mean to bother you but I have a big presentation tomorrow 276 00:13:34,294 --> 00:13:37,850 and it would really help if I could get like some charts and graphs made up. 277 00:13:37,987 --> 00:13:40,941 - Could you help me with that? - This is the graphics department. 278 00:13:41,066 --> 00:13:43,724 We can make as many graphs, as many charts in as many colors 279 00:13:43,849 --> 00:13:45,715 on as many kinds of paper as you want. 280 00:13:52,755 --> 00:13:54,607 We are gonna have some fun. 281 00:13:54,954 --> 00:13:58,418 I've ranked the Presidents in order of how dirty their names sound. 282 00:13:58,907 --> 00:14:00,524 Johnson. 283 00:14:00,873 --> 00:14:02,426 Bush. 284 00:14:02,816 --> 00:14:04,459 Harding. 285 00:14:04,584 --> 00:14:06,184 Polk. 286 00:14:07,682 --> 00:14:11,444 This circle represents "People Who Are Breaking My Heart..." 287 00:14:12,102 --> 00:14:14,219 and this circle represents 288 00:14:14,344 --> 00:14:17,216 "People Who Are Shaking My Confidence Daily." 289 00:14:17,849 --> 00:14:19,386 And where they overlap: 290 00:14:20,536 --> 00:14:21,537 Cecilia. 291 00:14:24,168 --> 00:14:27,351 This is a pie chart describing my favorite bars. 292 00:14:30,609 --> 00:14:33,857 And this is a bar graph describing my favorite pies. 293 00:14:41,190 --> 00:14:42,256 What's going on? 294 00:14:42,425 --> 00:14:43,695 Enough with the charts. 295 00:14:43,820 --> 00:14:45,071 And the graphs. 296 00:14:45,448 --> 00:14:48,351 Really any visual representation of data. 297 00:14:49,824 --> 00:14:51,141 I'm not an idiot. 298 00:14:53,015 --> 00:14:56,060 I know how you guys feel about my charts and my graphs. 299 00:14:56,584 --> 00:14:59,275 As a matter of fact, I've made a chart of your reaction to my charts. 300 00:14:59,400 --> 00:15:01,948 Let's take a look. Yes, it is true, 301 00:15:02,339 --> 00:15:04,355 since Cecelia, your interest in my charts 302 00:15:04,480 --> 00:15:06,031 has been steadily dropping. 303 00:15:06,157 --> 00:15:08,141 But based on recent trends, 304 00:15:08,266 --> 00:15:09,662 I have also made... 305 00:15:10,517 --> 00:15:12,233 A projection chart! 306 00:15:12,402 --> 00:15:14,983 And look... huge spike in interest coming! 307 00:15:15,109 --> 00:15:17,459 And this isn't just some dead cat bounce. 308 00:15:17,584 --> 00:15:20,958 This is big sustainable growth over the long term. 309 00:15:21,128 --> 00:15:23,002 You're a big sustainable growth. 310 00:15:26,345 --> 00:15:28,877 So, I have prepared a few charts 311 00:15:29,310 --> 00:15:32,913 to demonstrate how setting up a shell corporation in Bermuda 312 00:15:33,038 --> 00:15:35,237 could help minimize our second quarter losses. 313 00:15:36,719 --> 00:15:38,159 And save you all some jail time. 314 00:15:39,965 --> 00:15:41,378 To begin with... 315 00:15:46,536 --> 00:15:48,454 Could you just please excuse me? 316 00:15:53,593 --> 00:15:56,154 - Mosbius Designs. - What the hell happened to my charts? 317 00:15:56,323 --> 00:15:58,157 - We threw them away. - What? 318 00:15:58,409 --> 00:16:00,025 That's how an intervention works. 319 00:16:00,151 --> 00:16:02,791 You wouldn't stop using, so, we flushed your stash. 320 00:16:02,960 --> 00:16:04,104 Come on, Ted! 321 00:16:04,229 --> 00:16:05,483 I need my charts, man! 322 00:16:05,608 --> 00:16:08,358 Just for today and then I promise I will never ever use charts again. 323 00:16:08,483 --> 00:16:11,100 I'm under at lot of pressure here. I need my charts, Jack! 324 00:16:11,556 --> 00:16:13,813 My God, you're doing charts at work? 325 00:16:14,180 --> 00:16:17,149 They're for work, you idiot! I'm giving a big presentation right now 326 00:16:17,274 --> 00:16:19,325 and if I don't have those charts I'm gonna get fired! 327 00:16:20,293 --> 00:16:21,294 Crap. 328 00:16:21,621 --> 00:16:23,500 Stay right there. I'll bring them to you. 329 00:16:23,668 --> 00:16:26,169 Hurry up! I'll try to think of a way to stall them. 330 00:16:29,365 --> 00:16:31,562 I'm sorry but there's been a little delay with the charts. 331 00:16:31,687 --> 00:16:34,698 But we will get started in just a minute. 332 00:16:41,150 --> 00:16:42,621 Fish are weird, right? 333 00:16:43,530 --> 00:16:45,632 I mean what's up with fish? 334 00:16:51,738 --> 00:16:53,643 Charts! Get your charts here! 335 00:16:57,336 --> 00:17:00,157 Excuse me, Milt? I think those are my charts. 336 00:17:00,986 --> 00:17:03,002 These charts? On my blanket? 337 00:17:03,665 --> 00:17:06,119 That's also my blanket. We'll get to that later. 338 00:17:06,244 --> 00:17:09,435 - But I really need these charts. - Good, 'cause they're for sale. 339 00:17:09,968 --> 00:17:11,179 Fine, how much? 340 00:17:12,670 --> 00:17:13,767 One million dollars. 341 00:17:14,879 --> 00:17:17,107 - I'll give you five bucks. - A million dollars. 342 00:17:17,818 --> 00:17:20,280 No one's gonna pay a million dollars for these charts! 343 00:17:21,449 --> 00:17:22,910 One million dollars. 344 00:17:23,080 --> 00:17:24,581 Okay, Milt, you win. 345 00:17:26,029 --> 00:17:27,961 I'm gonna give you one million dollars. 346 00:17:28,924 --> 00:17:30,124 Urinating... 347 00:17:30,626 --> 00:17:32,304 The problem is, the ATM... 348 00:17:32,473 --> 00:17:33,973 The alien time machine. 349 00:17:34,339 --> 00:17:37,780 The alien time machine has a withdrawal limit. 350 00:17:37,905 --> 00:17:40,931 So, here's what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna give you one dollar 351 00:17:41,145 --> 00:17:42,146 a day 352 00:17:42,501 --> 00:17:44,306 for a million days. 353 00:17:45,754 --> 00:17:46,755 That's... 354 00:17:47,526 --> 00:17:49,213 That's 2700 years. 355 00:17:50,599 --> 00:17:51,467 Deal! 356 00:17:54,808 --> 00:17:55,809 Sucker. 357 00:17:56,562 --> 00:17:59,891 I'm sorry, is there a land bass I don't know about? 358 00:18:03,956 --> 00:18:04,983 Let's get started. 359 00:18:05,109 --> 00:18:07,708 And so, if I hadn't bought those charts back for Marshall, 360 00:18:07,877 --> 00:18:09,488 I wouldn't have had to cut down 77th 361 00:18:09,613 --> 00:18:11,118 to give Milt his daily dollar 362 00:18:11,243 --> 00:18:13,228 and well, you know the rest. 363 00:18:14,055 --> 00:18:16,331 So, there you have it, kids. There's a lot of little reasons 364 00:18:16,456 --> 00:18:18,500 why the big things in our lives happen. 365 00:18:18,625 --> 00:18:21,257 If I had known then where all those little things were leading me, 366 00:18:21,382 --> 00:18:23,511 and how grateful I'd be to get there, 367 00:18:23,636 --> 00:18:26,254 well, I probably would've done something 368 00:18:26,890 --> 00:18:27,891 like this. 369 00:19:07,438 --> 00:19:10,875 Because somehow, I ended up in the right place at the right time. 370 00:19:11,378 --> 00:19:12,729 And, as a result, 371 00:19:13,424 --> 00:19:15,135 my life would never be the same. 372 00:19:30,674 --> 00:19:33,572 The next day, Uncle Barney finally confronted Matthew Panning, 373 00:19:33,697 --> 00:19:35,691 the stud of Port Richmond Middle School. 374 00:19:35,816 --> 00:19:38,618 So, Barney, great to hear from you after all this time. 375 00:19:38,743 --> 00:19:41,854 - What's been going on? - I've had sex with 200 women. 376 00:19:44,545 --> 00:19:45,514 God! 377 00:19:45,639 --> 00:19:46,952 That's way too many. 378 00:19:47,077 --> 00:19:48,868 I mean, that's just gross. 379 00:19:49,261 --> 00:19:51,114 Have you sought counseling for sex addiction? 380 00:19:51,239 --> 00:19:52,834 Because you're a prime candidate. 381 00:19:53,024 --> 00:19:55,297 Have you sought counseling for I win you lose? 382 00:19:56,093 --> 00:19:57,760 Yeah, suddenly those 100 girls 383 00:19:57,885 --> 00:20:00,725 you nailed in the seventh grade aren't so impressive. 384 00:20:01,032 --> 00:20:02,033 100 girls? 385 00:20:02,472 --> 00:20:04,900 Is that what this is about? Barney, I lied. 386 00:20:05,476 --> 00:20:06,603 Sure you did. 387 00:20:06,947 --> 00:20:08,972 I was 12... of course I was lying. 388 00:20:09,475 --> 00:20:11,205 I didn't have a pet Ewok either. 389 00:20:11,546 --> 00:20:12,582 Sure you didn't. 390 00:20:13,486 --> 00:20:16,213 Your whole adult life has been built around... 391 00:20:16,338 --> 00:20:18,970 something I lied about when I was 12? 392 00:20:19,806 --> 00:20:20,682 Jealous? 393 00:20:21,212 --> 00:20:23,646 Look, I gotta go pick my kids up at school. 394 00:20:24,060 --> 00:20:26,396 It sounds like you got a lot of problems. 395 00:20:26,696 --> 00:20:28,193 Good luck, I guess. 396 00:20:30,335 --> 00:20:31,622 I'm awesome. 397 00:20:34,667 --> 00:20:35,767 200. 398 00:20:37,519 --> 00:20:38,530 Now what?