1 00:00:03,941 --> 00:00:05,442 Kids, Stella Zenman was the girl 2 00:00:05,802 --> 00:00:07,404 I thought I'd spend the rest of my life with. 3 00:00:08,405 --> 00:00:10,107 Until she left me at the altar, 4 00:00:10,107 --> 00:00:12,349 smashing my heart to smithereens. 5 00:00:12,349 --> 00:00:13,680 So when I ran into her seven months later, 6 00:00:13,680 --> 00:00:16,553 there was only one way to deal with her. 7 00:00:16,553 --> 00:00:18,315 Stella! 8 00:00:18,956 --> 00:00:19,957 Great to see you! 9 00:00:19,957 --> 00:00:20,988 You, too. 10 00:00:20,988 --> 00:00:22,359 And Tony! 11 00:00:22,359 --> 00:00:24,291 Hey. Hey! 12 00:00:24,291 --> 00:00:25,862 What a nice surprise. 13 00:00:25,862 --> 00:00:27,594 "What a nice surprise"? 14 00:00:27,594 --> 00:00:30,297 No, a nice surprise would be if a safe fell 15 00:00:30,297 --> 00:00:32,299 from 40 stories and smushed them both. 16 00:00:32,299 --> 00:00:33,930 I mean, you didn't let them have it? 17 00:00:33,930 --> 00:00:35,532 No, we had a nice friendly chat, 18 00:00:35,532 --> 00:00:37,574 then they went their way and I went mine. 19 00:00:37,574 --> 00:00:38,675 Ted, you blew it. 20 00:00:38,675 --> 00:00:40,007 He blew it, right? 21 00:00:41,878 --> 00:00:43,040 Well played, sir. 22 00:00:43,040 --> 00:00:43,981 Bravo. 23 00:00:43,981 --> 00:00:45,442 What? You see, Robin, 24 00:00:45,442 --> 00:00:46,813 Ted played it cool, 25 00:00:46,813 --> 00:00:48,915 which is exactly what he should have done. 26 00:00:48,915 --> 00:00:51,748 As a matter of fact, I'd say on a scale ranging from... 27 00:00:51,748 --> 00:00:53,920 And I kept this sweater of yours... 28 00:00:54,821 --> 00:00:57,224 and sometimes I just sit in the bathtub 29 00:00:57,224 --> 00:01:00,998 for hours just, you know, just sniffing it. 30 00:01:00,998 --> 00:01:02,499 all the way to... 31 00:01:02,499 --> 00:01:04,361 This is my new fianc? 32 00:01:04,361 --> 00:01:05,762 She's basically Stella, 33 00:01:05,762 --> 00:01:07,364 except she's French and, 34 00:01:07,364 --> 00:01:10,507 as you can see, she's got enormous cans. 35 00:01:10,507 --> 00:01:12,069 Enchant? 36 00:01:13,870 --> 00:01:16,113 Enchant? 37 00:01:19,516 --> 00:01:21,678 I'd say you nailed it. 38 00:01:21,678 --> 00:01:23,480 I'll do you one better. 39 00:01:23,480 --> 00:01:25,382 You, sir, got Stella thinking. 40 00:01:25,382 --> 00:01:27,884 "Gosh, Ted seemed so cool today. 41 00:01:27,884 --> 00:01:29,456 Did I choose the wrong guy?" 42 00:01:29,456 --> 00:01:32,229 Give it a week; you'll get her back. 43 00:01:32,229 --> 00:01:33,390 And her front. 44 00:01:33,390 --> 00:01:34,661 Oh. 45 00:01:35,292 --> 00:01:36,263 Oh, did you just feel that? 46 00:01:36,263 --> 00:01:38,265 I think we just had a "what up" quake. 47 00:01:39,666 --> 00:01:40,937 I don't want her back. 48 00:01:40,937 --> 00:01:42,940 Or her front. 49 00:01:42,940 --> 00:01:44,101 I just want to move on. 50 00:01:44,101 --> 00:01:45,772 And this was an important step towards that. 51 00:01:45,772 --> 00:01:46,773 To moving on. 52 00:01:48,475 --> 00:01:50,447 And you know, I really meant it. 53 00:01:50,447 --> 00:01:53,910 But still, that night, my mind began to wander. 54 00:01:57,554 --> 00:01:59,186 I made a terrible mistake. 55 00:01:59,186 --> 00:02:00,187 I know. 56 00:02:00,187 --> 00:02:01,758 I'm a better person than you are. 57 00:02:01,758 --> 00:02:03,020 You totally are. 58 00:02:03,020 --> 00:02:04,291 Let's get back together 59 00:02:04,291 --> 00:02:05,993 and have way more sex than before. Deal! 60 00:02:16,173 --> 00:02:17,704 Hello, Ted. 61 00:02:18,835 --> 00:02:21,908 Captioning sponsored by 20th CENTURY FOX TELEVISION 62 00:02:21,908 --> 00:02:25,012 CBS 63 00:02:25,012 --> 00:02:28,485 and VOLKSWAGEN: It's what the people want. 64 00:02:33,550 --> 00:02:35,652 No, come in. It's not weird at all. 65 00:02:35,652 --> 00:02:38,655 Ted, Teddy Ted Ted Ted. 66 00:02:39,896 --> 00:02:42,629 I knew it was wrong to steal somebody's fianc? 67 00:02:42,629 --> 00:02:44,601 I mean, I grappled with it. 68 00:02:44,601 --> 00:02:45,562 I was up nights. 69 00:02:45,562 --> 00:02:47,664 And not for the good reason. 70 00:02:47,664 --> 00:02:49,366 Well, sometimes for the good reason. 71 00:02:49,366 --> 00:02:50,437 I mean, Stella and I 72 00:02:50,437 --> 00:02:52,009 hadn't seen each other in five years, 73 00:02:52,009 --> 00:02:54,071 so, as you can imagine, the beginning, 74 00:02:54,071 --> 00:02:56,043 it was just fast and furious. 75 00:02:56,043 --> 00:02:57,975 Lamps breaking, furniture moving. 76 00:02:57,975 --> 00:02:59,016 You see this bald patch? 77 00:02:59,016 --> 00:02:59,947 Yeah, Tony... 78 00:02:59,947 --> 00:03:02,019 Anyway, we moved on. 79 00:03:02,019 --> 00:03:04,921 Me, Lucy, Stella— we were gonna move to L.A. 80 00:03:04,921 --> 00:03:06,653 I was gonna become a screenwriter. 81 00:03:07,424 --> 00:03:08,525 Then we bumped into you, 82 00:03:08,525 --> 00:03:12,159 and you just looked so... sad. 83 00:03:12,159 --> 00:03:13,430 Sad? No. 84 00:03:13,430 --> 00:03:16,133 I-I think what you're calling sad was actually 85 00:03:16,133 --> 00:03:18,295 a jovial nonchalance. 86 00:03:18,295 --> 00:03:19,896 Ted, you looked awful, okay? 87 00:03:19,896 --> 00:03:22,099 Like a little dachshund puppy with a bad back 88 00:03:22,099 --> 00:03:24,371 that's got to pull itself around on a cart. 89 00:03:24,371 --> 00:03:25,342 Why are you here? 90 00:03:25,342 --> 00:03:27,574 Look, Ted, 91 00:03:27,574 --> 00:03:29,246 I know I can come across pretty tough, 92 00:03:29,246 --> 00:03:31,949 but I can't bear to have hurt someone the way I hurt you. 93 00:03:31,949 --> 00:03:33,650 I think fate put me 94 00:03:33,650 --> 00:03:35,852 on that corner to make this right. 95 00:03:35,852 --> 00:03:38,385 Obviously, I can't fill that giant crater 96 00:03:38,385 --> 00:03:39,916 that Stella left in your heart. 97 00:03:39,916 --> 00:03:41,058 I've been dating. 98 00:03:41,058 --> 00:03:42,089 Like, a lot. 99 00:03:42,089 --> 00:03:43,220 And then I heard you got fired. 100 00:03:43,220 --> 00:03:45,092 I transitioned into small business ownership. 101 00:03:46,063 --> 00:03:47,564 It's the backbone of the economy. 102 00:03:47,564 --> 00:03:48,725 No, it's not. 103 00:03:48,725 --> 00:03:49,896 Ted, 104 00:03:49,896 --> 00:03:51,268 my family's got a lot of money. 105 00:03:51,268 --> 00:03:53,230 And I want to use that money 106 00:03:53,230 --> 00:03:54,731 to make this right with you. 107 00:03:55,232 --> 00:03:56,603 Tony is rich? 108 00:03:56,603 --> 00:03:58,075 Oh, Ted. 109 00:03:58,075 --> 00:04:01,838 Oh, Ted, tell me he wrote you a check. 110 00:04:01,838 --> 00:04:04,181 Tell me he wrote you 111 00:04:04,181 --> 00:04:06,383 a big, fat check. 112 00:04:06,383 --> 00:04:07,614 A check so big 113 00:04:07,614 --> 00:04:09,486 it doesn't take its shirt off when it goes swimming. 114 00:04:09,486 --> 00:04:11,618 Ha, that is a big, fat check. 115 00:04:11,618 --> 00:04:13,790 A check so big, if you had sex with it, 116 00:04:13,790 --> 00:04:15,052 you wouldn't tell your buddies. 117 00:04:15,052 --> 00:04:16,994 That is a big, fat check. 118 00:04:16,994 --> 00:04:20,827 A check so big that when you sit next to it on an airplane, 119 00:04:20,827 --> 00:04:21,999 you find yourself wondering 120 00:04:21,999 --> 00:04:23,730 whether the check should have bought two seats. 121 00:04:23,730 --> 00:04:24,531 That... 122 00:04:24,531 --> 00:04:27,264 Is a big, fat check! 123 00:04:27,264 --> 00:04:29,506 Yeah! He didn't write me a check. 124 00:04:29,506 --> 00:04:31,168 Ted, I want to offer you a job. 125 00:04:31,168 --> 00:04:32,009 A job? 126 00:04:32,009 --> 00:04:33,170 Every year, my family gives 127 00:04:33,170 --> 00:04:34,942 a lot of money to Columbia University, 128 00:04:34,942 --> 00:04:36,313 so I got some pull. 129 00:04:36,313 --> 00:04:37,274 How would you like 130 00:04:37,274 --> 00:04:38,815 to design... 131 00:04:38,815 --> 00:04:41,078 My heart leapt into my throat. 132 00:04:41,078 --> 00:04:42,079 A new library? 133 00:04:42,079 --> 00:04:43,080 A new student center? 134 00:04:43,080 --> 00:04:44,952 your very own curriculum 135 00:04:44,952 --> 00:04:46,853 as a professor of architecture. 136 00:04:48,155 --> 00:04:49,156 Huh? 137 00:04:49,156 --> 00:04:50,327 No, thanks. 138 00:04:50,327 --> 00:04:53,590 What do you mean, "No, thanks"? 139 00:04:53,590 --> 00:04:55,862 Ted, you would be 140 00:04:55,862 --> 00:04:58,195 a great professor, okay? 141 00:04:58,195 --> 00:05:01,068 You are knowledgeable, you're a good talker, 142 00:05:01,068 --> 00:05:04,071 and when you need to, 143 00:05:04,071 --> 00:05:06,043 you can grow a very handsome neck beard. 144 00:05:07,004 --> 00:05:08,645 I'm not gonna be a professor. 145 00:05:08,645 --> 00:05:10,477 Teaching architecture is what you do when your career 146 00:05:10,477 --> 00:05:12,849 has totally bottomed out and you need to pay the bills. 147 00:05:13,981 --> 00:05:15,382 Hey, hey, hey! 148 00:05:15,382 --> 00:05:16,513 Small business owner. 149 00:05:16,513 --> 00:05:17,654 Backbone of the economy. 150 00:05:17,654 --> 00:05:19,386 I'm not gonna take that job, all right? 151 00:05:19,386 --> 00:05:20,557 I'm gonna be just fine. 152 00:05:20,557 --> 00:05:21,588 New topic. 153 00:05:21,588 --> 00:05:23,320 Okay, new topic. 154 00:05:23,320 --> 00:05:26,994 I just got a $200 speeding ticket today. 155 00:05:26,994 --> 00:05:28,325 Oh, that sucks, dude. 156 00:05:28,325 --> 00:05:29,566 You couldn't talk your way out of it? 157 00:05:29,566 --> 00:05:31,468 You can't talk your way out of a ticket. 158 00:05:31,468 --> 00:05:33,100 I've done it. 159 00:05:33,100 --> 00:05:34,771 It was— what was it?-- 160 00:05:34,771 --> 00:05:36,373 it was 1998. 161 00:05:36,373 --> 00:05:38,435 So where's the fire? 162 00:05:38,435 --> 00:05:40,077 There's no fire. 163 00:05:42,839 --> 00:05:44,581 Actually, uh, you know, there is a fire 164 00:05:44,581 --> 00:05:45,882 at this barbecue I'm headed to. 165 00:05:45,882 --> 00:05:46,883 Nothing special. 166 00:05:46,883 --> 00:05:49,246 Burgers, ribs... brats. 167 00:05:49,246 --> 00:05:53,290 Son, do you have any idea how dangerous it is to be... 168 00:05:53,290 --> 00:05:55,492 Did you say brats? 169 00:05:55,492 --> 00:05:57,254 Yeah, brats. 170 00:05:57,254 --> 00:05:58,625 My mom marinates them 171 00:05:58,625 --> 00:06:00,627 in Belgian beer for two days. No big. 172 00:06:00,627 --> 00:06:01,758 Funny thing was, I could've 173 00:06:01,758 --> 00:06:05,732 sworn that one of those thick, succulent, 174 00:06:05,732 --> 00:06:08,665 hickory-smoked brats had some writing on it. 175 00:06:08,665 --> 00:06:10,137 Weird. Anyways, what were you saying? 176 00:06:10,137 --> 00:06:11,738 What-what did it say? 177 00:06:11,738 --> 00:06:13,170 The brat? 178 00:06:13,170 --> 00:06:18,415 It said "Property of Minnesota State Trooper Jorgensen." 179 00:06:18,415 --> 00:06:23,280 You a... you a brat man, Officer Jorgensen? 180 00:06:25,652 --> 00:06:27,484 You going to this address? Mm-hmm. 181 00:06:27,484 --> 00:06:28,685 Follow me and lean on the horn. 182 00:06:28,685 --> 00:06:30,387 We're gonna be running some reds. 183 00:06:33,030 --> 00:06:34,491 Well, duh. 184 00:06:34,491 --> 00:06:35,662 I would've done that, too, 185 00:06:35,662 --> 00:06:37,794 if I'd have been going to a barbecue. 186 00:06:37,794 --> 00:06:39,036 Damn, I was. 187 00:06:39,036 --> 00:06:40,937 See, it's all about sizing up your opponent. 188 00:06:40,937 --> 00:06:43,100 I could tell that the officer was a brat man 189 00:06:43,100 --> 00:06:44,972 because, well, he was out of breath just from 190 00:06:44,972 --> 00:06:49,176 walking to my car and he had mustard on his holster. 191 00:06:49,176 --> 00:06:51,348 Marshall Eriksen! 192 00:06:51,348 --> 00:06:54,451 Manipulating an officer of the law with your sausage. 193 00:06:54,451 --> 00:06:55,882 Mm-hmm. That is very hot. 194 00:06:55,882 --> 00:06:59,756 You think I can't talk my way out of a ticket? 195 00:07:00,257 --> 00:07:02,019 You think I can't 196 00:07:02,019 --> 00:07:03,961 talk my way out of a ticket? 197 00:07:03,961 --> 00:07:05,462 I am Barney Stinson, 198 00:07:05,462 --> 00:07:07,965 master of manipulation. 199 00:07:07,965 --> 00:07:11,068 If I can talk a stripper into paying me for a lap dance, 200 00:07:11,068 --> 00:07:13,430 I think I can talk my way out of a ticket. 201 00:07:13,430 --> 00:07:15,832 Challenge accep— Wait for it. 202 00:07:17,804 --> 00:07:19,676 I don't get it. 203 00:07:21,308 --> 00:07:23,380 Oh, "Ted." 204 00:07:23,380 --> 00:07:25,212 "Accep-Ted." 205 00:07:25,212 --> 00:07:26,243 I get it now. 206 00:07:28,745 --> 00:07:29,846 What now? 207 00:07:29,846 --> 00:07:32,189 You want to be an architect? Great. 208 00:07:32,189 --> 00:07:34,952 Guy I went to private school with wants a new house built. 209 00:07:34,952 --> 00:07:36,293 Job's yours if you want it. 210 00:07:36,293 --> 00:07:38,825 Tony, look, I don't need your help. 211 00:07:38,825 --> 00:07:40,327 Here's what he's offering you. 212 00:07:44,531 --> 00:07:47,234 That is a big, fat check. 213 00:07:53,971 --> 00:07:56,343 Showtime. 214 00:07:56,343 --> 00:07:57,814 License and registration. 215 00:07:57,814 --> 00:07:59,216 Oh, of course, Officer. 216 00:07:59,216 --> 00:08:01,418 Right away. 217 00:08:05,322 --> 00:08:07,184 Sir, this is a gift certificate 218 00:08:07,184 --> 00:08:09,226 for a custom-tailored Italian suit. 219 00:08:09,226 --> 00:08:11,758 So, we done here? 220 00:08:11,758 --> 00:08:13,991 $375! 221 00:08:13,991 --> 00:08:15,062 Ooh! Oh. 222 00:08:15,062 --> 00:08:16,393 And he kept the gift certificates. 223 00:08:16,393 --> 00:08:17,434 Oh, man. 224 00:08:17,434 --> 00:08:19,066 I'm gonna call Emilio and tell him 225 00:08:19,066 --> 00:08:20,567 to short-sheet him on the crotch. 226 00:08:20,567 --> 00:08:22,069 You are bad at this, dude. 227 00:08:22,069 --> 00:08:24,271 Oh, whatever, Robin. 228 00:08:24,271 --> 00:08:26,473 Like you've ever talked your way out of a ticket. 229 00:08:26,473 --> 00:08:27,804 Are you kidding me? 230 00:08:27,804 --> 00:08:28,875 Robin's a pretty girl. 231 00:08:28,875 --> 00:08:30,047 Pretty girls don't get tickets. 232 00:08:30,047 --> 00:08:32,009 I bet Robin's been pulled over tons of times, 233 00:08:32,009 --> 00:08:33,080 never once gotten a ticket. 234 00:08:33,080 --> 00:08:35,812 That is outrageous! 235 00:08:35,812 --> 00:08:37,454 And factual. 236 00:08:37,454 --> 00:08:39,286 License and regis... 237 00:08:40,517 --> 00:08:42,519 Oh, honey. 238 00:08:42,519 --> 00:08:45,192 Oh, no, no, no, don't cry. 239 00:08:45,192 --> 00:08:47,264 It's okay. No ticket for you. 240 00:08:47,264 --> 00:08:48,425 Oh. 241 00:08:48,425 --> 00:08:50,797 Just, uh, go a little slower next time, okay? 242 00:08:50,797 --> 00:08:52,299 Yeah. Okay. 243 00:08:55,632 --> 00:08:58,235 Thank you. 244 00:08:58,235 --> 00:09:00,107 Yeah! 245 00:09:00,107 --> 00:09:01,178 Excuse me. 246 00:09:01,178 --> 00:09:03,140 I think I left something in New Jersey. 247 00:09:04,881 --> 00:09:05,912 Hey! 248 00:09:05,912 --> 00:09:07,744 How did your lunch go with the rich guy? 249 00:09:07,744 --> 00:09:10,988 Well, uh, it started off great. 250 00:09:10,988 --> 00:09:12,950 I want to design a house that 251 00:09:12,950 --> 00:09:14,651 celebrates the landscape without overpowering it. 252 00:09:14,651 --> 00:09:15,622 Mm. 253 00:09:15,622 --> 00:09:16,853 You know, when Frank Lloyd Wright 254 00:09:16,853 --> 00:09:19,226 designed Fallingwater in 1935, there's... 255 00:09:19,226 --> 00:09:20,927 Yes, yes, that's all fine. 256 00:09:20,927 --> 00:09:22,399 I'm sure you'll do a great job. 257 00:09:22,399 --> 00:09:24,661 What I'm really worried about is the basement. 258 00:09:24,661 --> 00:09:26,563 Specifically the laundry room. 259 00:09:26,563 --> 00:09:27,834 The laundry room? 260 00:09:27,834 --> 00:09:31,738 I require a laundry room of 15 feet by 15 feet, 261 00:09:31,738 --> 00:09:35,512 stain-proof ceramic tile from floor to ceiling. 262 00:09:35,512 --> 00:09:37,914 I'm a man who likes to do his own laundry, 263 00:09:37,914 --> 00:09:40,377 and sometimes, it gets messy. 264 00:09:40,377 --> 00:09:42,950 Messy? Messy. 265 00:09:42,950 --> 00:09:45,282 Steel chains will dangle from the ceiling 266 00:09:45,282 --> 00:09:46,783 at a height of nine feet. 267 00:09:46,783 --> 00:09:49,356 And that is where my laundry bags 268 00:09:49,356 --> 00:09:52,289 will hang for three days and three nights 269 00:09:52,289 --> 00:09:55,562 before I... clean them. 270 00:09:55,562 --> 00:09:58,535 Uh, Ted, it-it kind of sounds like 271 00:09:58,535 --> 00:10:00,437 what this guy is asking you to design... 272 00:10:00,437 --> 00:10:02,239 It's a murder house. It is. 273 00:10:02,239 --> 00:10:03,600 It's totally a murder house. 274 00:10:03,600 --> 00:10:05,772 You know, as a martial artist, 275 00:10:05,772 --> 00:10:07,674 I'm trained to trust my instincts, 276 00:10:07,674 --> 00:10:12,349 and my instincts are saying this... feels very good. 277 00:10:12,349 --> 00:10:14,952 The steak is so rare. 278 00:10:16,483 --> 00:10:19,186 Right? Right? 279 00:10:19,186 --> 00:10:22,719 One final concern: soundproofing. 280 00:10:22,719 --> 00:10:26,893 I tend to make a lot of racket when I launder. 281 00:10:26,893 --> 00:10:29,026 I'll show you what I mean. 282 00:10:29,026 --> 00:10:30,897 I'm gonna go to my laundry room, 283 00:10:30,897 --> 00:10:33,170 and you tell me if you can hear me. 284 00:10:36,833 --> 00:10:38,375 Tony... 285 00:10:38,375 --> 00:10:40,277 does something feel off about this guy? 286 00:10:40,277 --> 00:10:42,940 Yeah. Off the hook! 287 00:10:42,940 --> 00:10:44,942 Bro, you are nailing this. 288 00:10:48,145 --> 00:10:49,816 Ted, you can't design a murder house! 289 00:10:49,816 --> 00:10:51,088 I'm not gonna design a murder house. 290 00:10:51,088 --> 00:10:52,089 Ted, you can't design a murder house! 291 00:10:52,089 --> 00:10:53,690 I'm not gonna design a murder house! 292 00:10:59,096 --> 00:11:01,128 Bring it. 293 00:11:01,128 --> 00:11:03,760 Officer, please, my wife is about to have a baby! 294 00:11:03,760 --> 00:11:04,761 Her water just broke! 295 00:11:04,761 --> 00:11:05,802 Where's your wife? 296 00:11:05,802 --> 00:11:07,204 She took the other car. 297 00:11:07,204 --> 00:11:11,038 This is Italian leather, so... 298 00:11:11,038 --> 00:11:14,471 I... Oh, come... 299 00:11:14,471 --> 00:11:16,643 I'm sorry about that murder house thing. 300 00:11:16,643 --> 00:11:18,015 That was my bad. 301 00:11:18,015 --> 00:11:19,346 That's on me. 302 00:11:19,346 --> 00:11:20,477 So, new plan. 303 00:11:20,477 --> 00:11:22,950 You, my friend, are gonna build 304 00:11:22,950 --> 00:11:26,383 the Statue of Liberty a husband. 305 00:11:26,383 --> 00:11:28,855 Now, I got some suction down at City Hall. 306 00:11:28,855 --> 00:11:29,856 Tony, stop it! 307 00:11:29,856 --> 00:11:31,258 I don't want your help, okay? 308 00:11:31,258 --> 00:11:32,489 You don't have to do this. 309 00:11:32,489 --> 00:11:33,890 Yes, I do. Why? 310 00:11:33,890 --> 00:11:36,463 Because... 311 00:11:36,463 --> 00:11:40,367 when you were with Stella, I know how much I missed her. 312 00:11:40,367 --> 00:11:42,699 I can only imagine you feel the same way. 313 00:11:42,699 --> 00:11:45,402 Okay, well, 314 00:11:45,402 --> 00:11:48,045 let me put your mind a 315 00:11:48,045 --> 00:11:50,447 I don't want Stella back, okay? 316 00:11:50,447 --> 00:11:52,709 She lied to me and left me at the altar. 317 00:11:52,709 --> 00:11:54,281 What kind of person does that? 318 00:11:55,282 --> 00:11:56,713 I'm better off without her. 319 00:11:56,713 --> 00:11:58,015 She's all yours, buddy. 320 00:12:01,888 --> 00:12:03,390 There you go. 321 00:12:03,390 --> 00:12:04,921 Load off my mind. 322 00:12:04,921 --> 00:12:06,863 And that was it. Tony left, 323 00:12:06,863 --> 00:12:09,826 and I began to put this whole business far behind me. 324 00:12:09,826 --> 00:12:11,668 Or so I thought. 325 00:12:13,931 --> 00:12:14,831 Stella... 326 00:12:14,933 --> 00:12:17,336 Tony broke up with me. 327 00:12:23,240 --> 00:12:26,113 Wow. Okay, Tony broke up with you? 328 00:12:26,113 --> 00:12:28,685 He said it was because of something you said. 329 00:12:28,685 --> 00:12:30,717 You got Tony to dump Stella? 330 00:12:30,717 --> 00:12:33,690 I am very sorry, but I'm going to have to insist 331 00:12:33,690 --> 00:12:35,152 that you bump this. 332 00:12:36,293 --> 00:12:38,595 Let's, um, let's talk out in the hall. 333 00:12:39,997 --> 00:12:41,098 It'll be waiting. 334 00:12:43,230 --> 00:12:48,005 So, why are you here? 335 00:12:48,005 --> 00:12:51,438 Look, Ted, this is about seven months too late, 336 00:12:51,438 --> 00:12:53,110 but here goes. 337 00:12:53,110 --> 00:12:56,773 I've been in love with Tony since high school. 338 00:12:57,514 --> 00:12:58,775 We dated for a long time, 339 00:12:58,775 --> 00:13:02,519 but then I got pregnant, and I guess for two 19-year-olds 340 00:13:02,519 --> 00:13:05,022 it was just too much to handle, so we broke up. 341 00:13:05,022 --> 00:13:09,326 And for a long time I just focused on being a mother. 342 00:13:09,326 --> 00:13:12,359 I forgot about Tony. I forgot about... 343 00:13:12,359 --> 00:13:15,562 the very idea of being in love. 344 00:13:16,733 --> 00:13:19,166 And then you came along and reminded me. 345 00:13:19,166 --> 00:13:21,738 And... I loved you for that. 346 00:13:22,599 --> 00:13:25,172 I loved you so much, in fact, 347 00:13:25,172 --> 00:13:29,106 that it was just shy of enough. 348 00:13:31,108 --> 00:13:33,910 But I never stopped loving Tony. 349 00:13:34,851 --> 00:13:38,085 Take him back, honey. He's sorry. 350 00:13:38,085 --> 00:13:40,587 No, that's-that's not... that's not what's happening. 351 00:13:40,587 --> 00:13:42,960 Just go back inside, Mrs. Matsen. 352 00:13:45,993 --> 00:13:48,325 It was good seeing you, Stella. 353 00:13:48,325 --> 00:13:50,367 Can you talk to Tony? 354 00:13:52,829 --> 00:13:54,201 What? 355 00:13:54,201 --> 00:13:55,602 He'd listen to you. 356 00:13:55,602 --> 00:13:57,534 You changed his mind. You could change it back. 357 00:13:57,534 --> 00:13:59,606 I know it's an awful thing to ask... 358 00:13:59,606 --> 00:14:01,908 Yeah, it's an awful thing to ask. 359 00:14:01,908 --> 00:14:04,311 Well, I don't know what else to do, okay? 360 00:14:04,311 --> 00:14:05,582 I love him. 361 00:14:05,582 --> 00:14:07,044 Oh, you love him. 362 00:14:07,044 --> 00:14:09,987 So what, you're-you're appealing to the romantic in me? 363 00:14:10,817 --> 00:14:12,049 Is that your strategy? 364 00:14:12,049 --> 00:14:14,651 Because that guy's gone. 365 00:14:14,651 --> 00:14:15,993 You can't pull those strings anymore. 366 00:14:15,993 --> 00:14:19,356 They're not attached to anything thanks to you. 367 00:14:19,356 --> 00:14:21,198 Go ahead, honey, kiss him! 368 00:14:25,702 --> 00:14:29,036 Okay, you can do this. You can do this! 369 00:14:29,036 --> 00:14:32,940 Oh, you can do this. 370 00:14:32,940 --> 00:14:35,212 License and regis... License and registration. 371 00:14:35,212 --> 00:14:36,643 Excuse me? 372 00:14:36,643 --> 00:14:38,415 I can only assume you need a license 373 00:14:38,415 --> 00:14:40,347 to have a face that beautiful. 374 00:14:40,347 --> 00:14:41,878 And that body? 375 00:14:41,878 --> 00:14:44,821 I'm guessing something that explosive has to be registered 376 00:14:44,821 --> 00:14:47,784 with the proper authorities. 377 00:14:47,784 --> 00:14:49,126 Get out of the car. 378 00:14:49,126 --> 00:14:51,588 Why, am I under arrest? 379 00:14:51,588 --> 00:14:55,392 No... 380 00:14:55,392 --> 00:14:58,765 but you're about to be under me. 381 00:15:02,439 --> 00:15:04,471 No. False. Did not happen. 382 00:15:04,471 --> 00:15:06,373 That's a line from a porno. 383 00:15:06,373 --> 00:15:07,804 I've seen that porno. 384 00:15:07,804 --> 00:15:09,746 Hell, I've made that porno. 385 00:15:09,746 --> 00:15:11,778 When will you guys realize that the only difference 386 00:15:11,778 --> 00:15:13,410 between my real life and a porno 387 00:15:13,410 --> 00:15:15,112 is my real life has better lighting? 388 00:15:15,112 --> 00:15:16,483 You're lying. 389 00:15:16,483 --> 00:15:17,884 I am not lying! 390 00:15:17,884 --> 00:15:20,387 I swear on my mother. 391 00:15:20,387 --> 00:15:22,559 I swear on Goliath National Bank. 392 00:15:22,559 --> 00:15:24,121 I swear on my suits. 393 00:15:24,121 --> 00:15:25,122 I... 394 00:15:25,122 --> 00:15:26,123 am... 395 00:15:26,123 --> 00:15:27,124 not... 396 00:15:27,124 --> 00:15:28,395 lying. 397 00:15:28,395 --> 00:15:31,068 He was lying. Here's what really happened. 398 00:15:31,068 --> 00:15:33,130 Go ahead, honey, kiss him. 399 00:15:38,605 --> 00:15:40,707 Is there anything I can do to make this better? 400 00:15:40,707 --> 00:15:42,339 No. 401 00:15:46,013 --> 00:15:47,784 Hello. 402 00:15:47,784 --> 00:15:49,416 Ted, it's me! It's Barney It's me! I need your help! 403 00:15:49,416 --> 00:15:50,517 I'm in big trouble! 404 00:15:50,517 --> 00:15:53,090 Whoa-whoa-whoa, slow down. What happened? 405 00:15:53,920 --> 00:15:54,952 I'm guessing something 406 00:15:54,952 --> 00:15:56,723 that explosive has to be registered 407 00:15:56,723 --> 00:15:59,126 with the proper authorities. 408 00:15:59,126 --> 00:16:00,427 Get out of the car. 409 00:16:00,427 --> 00:16:02,599 Why, am I under arrest? 410 00:16:02,599 --> 00:16:03,500 Yes, you are. 411 00:16:03,500 --> 00:16:04,631 I ran your plates. 412 00:16:04,631 --> 00:16:05,862 You've had 15 moving violations 413 00:16:05,862 --> 00:16:07,134 in the last three days. 414 00:16:07,134 --> 00:16:08,505 Get out of the car. 415 00:16:08,505 --> 00:16:10,537 But no, my wife's having a baby! 416 00:16:10,537 --> 00:16:12,469 I have a sausage with your name on it! 417 00:16:12,469 --> 00:16:13,570 Out of the car now! 418 00:16:14,711 --> 00:16:17,414 I need you to come to Brazzaville, New Jersey 419 00:16:17,414 --> 00:16:18,475 and bail me out. 420 00:16:18,475 --> 00:16:20,247 I'm kind of in the middle of something. 421 00:16:20,247 --> 00:16:21,548 Hurry, Ted. 422 00:16:21,548 --> 00:16:23,280 You have no idea of the kind of the hardened criminals 423 00:16:23,280 --> 00:16:24,551 they've got me in here with. 424 00:16:24,551 --> 00:16:27,124 Are we gonna get our spray paint back? 425 00:16:27,124 --> 00:16:30,227 Save me, Ted! 426 00:16:30,227 --> 00:16:32,789 You want to do something for me? 427 00:16:32,789 --> 00:16:34,361 I need a ride to New Jersey. 428 00:16:34,361 --> 00:16:36,133 Okay. 429 00:16:36,133 --> 00:16:37,664 You'll pay for tolls, right? 430 00:16:38,465 --> 00:16:39,636 I'm kidding. 431 00:16:41,268 --> 00:16:43,740 So Stella and I drove all the way out to New Jersey, 432 00:16:43,740 --> 00:16:45,842 bailed your Uncle Barney out of jail 433 00:16:45,842 --> 00:16:47,374 and drove all the way home. 434 00:16:47,374 --> 00:16:49,646 Oh, by the way, Ted, how's that girl you've been seeing? 435 00:16:49,646 --> 00:16:52,549 That super hot French chick with the big enormous boobs? 436 00:16:52,549 --> 00:16:54,211 Oh, you mean Claudette? 437 00:16:54,211 --> 00:16:56,683 She's, uh, she's fine. 438 00:16:56,683 --> 00:16:59,957 Man, she's the hottest girl you have ever been with, Ted. 439 00:16:59,957 --> 00:17:03,120 Ever! Bye, Stella. 440 00:17:03,120 --> 00:17:04,761 Bye. 441 00:17:06,523 --> 00:17:11,298 Ted... I'm so sorry again about everything. 442 00:17:11,928 --> 00:17:13,370 For what it's worth... 443 00:17:13,370 --> 00:17:14,571 I'll talk to Tony. 444 00:17:14,571 --> 00:17:16,403 Really? 445 00:17:16,403 --> 00:17:18,976 I want you to be happy, Stella. 446 00:17:18,976 --> 00:17:20,577 I'll talk to him. 447 00:17:20,577 --> 00:17:21,979 And I did. 448 00:17:21,979 --> 00:17:24,911 I don't remember what I said to him, 449 00:17:24,911 --> 00:17:27,014 but I guess I changed his mind 450 00:17:27,014 --> 00:17:30,687 because the next day, they flew to California. 451 00:17:30,687 --> 00:17:33,490 Stella set up a new dermatology practice. 452 00:17:33,490 --> 00:17:35,152 And against all odds, 453 00:17:35,152 --> 00:17:37,354 Tony found some success as a screenwriter. 454 00:17:37,354 --> 00:17:40,857 His movie, The Wedding Bride, was a big hit. 455 00:17:40,857 --> 00:17:42,960 But we'll get to that later. 456 00:17:42,960 --> 00:17:44,401 Okay, but just tell me this. 457 00:17:44,401 --> 00:17:45,732 Why Tony? 458 00:17:45,732 --> 00:17:48,935 I mean, is it the money, the kung fu pajamas? 459 00:17:48,935 --> 00:17:51,808 Like, what... what is it? 460 00:17:51,808 --> 00:17:53,770 He's the one. 461 00:17:54,641 --> 00:17:57,014 The one. 462 00:17:57,014 --> 00:18:00,447 Yeah, I know it's kinda sappy, but, yeah. 463 00:18:04,281 --> 00:18:07,124 Okay, I'm gonna say something out loud that I've been doing 464 00:18:07,124 --> 00:18:10,187 a pretty good job of not saying out loud lately. 465 00:18:11,088 --> 00:18:13,590 What you and Tony have— 466 00:18:13,590 --> 00:18:17,094 what I thought for a second you and I had... 467 00:18:18,065 --> 00:18:22,539 what I know that Marshall and Lily have... 468 00:18:22,539 --> 00:18:24,201 I want that. 469 00:18:25,102 --> 00:18:27,674 I do. 470 00:18:27,674 --> 00:18:30,647 I keep waiting for it to happen and waiting for it to happen, 471 00:18:30,647 --> 00:18:32,779 and... 472 00:18:32,779 --> 00:18:36,483 I guess I'm just, um... 473 00:18:36,483 --> 00:18:38,855 I'm tired of waiting. 474 00:18:40,517 --> 00:18:43,890 And that is all I'm going to say on that subject. 475 00:18:48,325 --> 00:18:51,198 You know, I once talked my way out of a speeding ticket? 476 00:18:51,198 --> 00:18:52,329 Really? 477 00:18:52,329 --> 00:18:54,531 I was heading upstate to my parents' house 478 00:18:54,531 --> 00:18:56,403 doing, like, 90 on this country road, 479 00:18:56,403 --> 00:18:58,105 and I got pulled over. 480 00:18:58,105 --> 00:19:00,037 So this cop gets out of his car. 481 00:19:00,037 --> 00:19:02,879 He kind of swaggers on over and he's, like, "Young lady, 482 00:19:02,879 --> 00:19:05,642 I have been waiting for you all day." 483 00:19:05,642 --> 00:19:09,216 So I looked up at him and I said, "I'm so sorry, Officer. 484 00:19:09,216 --> 00:19:11,118 I got here as fast as I could." 485 00:19:11,118 --> 00:19:13,320 For real? 486 00:19:13,320 --> 00:19:14,921 No. 487 00:19:14,921 --> 00:19:16,293 It's an old joke. 488 00:19:20,297 --> 00:19:23,000 I know that you're tired of waiting, 489 00:19:23,000 --> 00:19:26,063 and you may have to wait a little while more, 490 00:19:26,063 --> 00:19:29,136 but she's on her way, Ted. 491 00:19:30,237 --> 00:19:34,811 And she's getting here as fast as she can. 492 00:19:44,081 --> 00:19:45,322 Bye, Stella. 493 00:19:45,322 --> 00:19:47,985 Good-bye, Ted. 494 00:20:18,615 --> 00:20:21,258 She tracked me down two days later using a phone book. 495 00:20:21,258 --> 00:20:24,361 And that's the last time I wrote my name in my undergarments. 496 00:20:25,692 --> 00:20:26,964 Hey. 497 00:20:26,964 --> 00:20:28,395 Hey, Lily! Lily! 498 00:20:28,395 --> 00:20:30,227 You're back! 499 00:20:30,227 --> 00:20:32,469 Barney, when you told me 500 00:20:32,469 --> 00:20:34,231 that peanut butter and jam joke, 501 00:20:34,231 --> 00:20:36,433 I was completely disgusted. 502 00:20:37,374 --> 00:20:39,106 But I was in the shower this morning 503 00:20:39,106 --> 00:20:40,437 and it popped into my head 504 00:20:40,437 --> 00:20:42,439 and it actually made me laugh. 505 00:20:42,439 --> 00:20:43,910 Peanut butter. 506 00:20:44,811 --> 00:20:47,384 So I can see now how I may have overreacted. 507 00:20:47,384 --> 00:20:49,086 Marshall's words, not mine. 508 00:20:50,217 --> 00:20:52,019 Well, it's good to see you again, Lily. 509 00:20:52,019 --> 00:20:53,050 Thanks. 510 00:20:53,050 --> 00:20:54,421 So what have you been up to? 511 00:20:54,421 --> 00:20:55,993 I'm going to an amnesia ward 512 00:20:55,993 --> 00:20:57,854 with a bunch of photos of my children 513 00:20:57,854 --> 00:20:59,056 and a wedding ring. 514 00:20:59,056 --> 00:21:01,128 I'm gonna find the hottest patient/my wife, 515 00:21:01,128 --> 00:21:02,459 and we are going... 516 00:21:02,459 --> 00:21:05,202 Okay, so that's good enough for tonight. 517 00:21:05,202 --> 00:21:06,563 I gotta ease back into this. 518 00:21:06,564 --> 00:21:07,565 See you tomorrow!