Kids, on my first day
as a college professor,
there were two things
I didn't know that
I wish I did.
The first thing
was that your mother
was in that classroom.
The second thing?
Well, to explain that,
we have to go back to
the beginning
of the summer,
when, after a year
of wrestling with their
feelings for each other,
Barney and Robin
finally, well...
Whoo!
Lily, volume.
Use your indoor "whoo."
Sorry. Whoo.
It's just they kissed!
They're finally a couple.
Oh, my God, you guys.
This is our first
double date!
First of millions!
What if our kids get married?
Oh, I love this!
Yeah.
Lily, listen.
Barney's awesome.
Robin's more
than just awe "some."
She's awe "quite a bit."
She's awe
"a whole darn lot."
Wait, what are you saying?
We're just not
feeling it right now,
but we'll totally still
be friends.
Oh, yeah.
Is it something I did?
Oh, no. No, no, no. God, no.
Lily, it's not you. It's us.
Yeah. It's us.
You understand, right?
Sure, of course.
As long as you're happy,
I'm happy.
We were gonna take
cooking lessons together,
and we were gonna go
on camping trips together,
and then we were gonna sit
around telling funny stories
about our cooking lessons
and our camping trips.
I know. I know.
So, has the boat
sailed on sex tonight or...
After that, the summer
went by way too fast.
Until, all of a sudden,
it was the Friday
before my first day
as a college professor.
Whoa!
Oh, boy.
What's this?
It's just a little something
that we got for you
that used to belong to my
favorite professor of all time.
A fedora.
Mm.
I'm Indiana Jones!
That, my friend,
is the Dominator 8000,
the best
bullwhip on the market,
according to my whip guy.
Yeah, I have a whip guy.
You know what we should do?
We should...
Finish our drinks, go out
in the alley and whip stuff.
God, you just get me.
Okay, I should
get going. I got a date.
Oh, you're
still seeing that guy?
Even better,
seeing him naked. What!
I should go, too.
I hooked up with this
Chinese girl last night,
and I don't know,
it's weird.
I already
feel like seconds.
Okay, Ted,
you got first whip!
All right.
Hey, dummy.
What did I tell you
about smoking in here?
Make him whip the habit!
I'm so excited
about this whip!
I got whip fever!
Just whip him, Ted!
Don't even aim!
Just whip him!
I'm so sorry.
It's just the whip's
not a toy, Ted.
There's such a thing as
common sense, you know?
Hey, you can whip me
if you want.
I will, some other time.
So, how long has
this been going on?
All summer.
I knew it! I knew it!
I knew it!
You guys are boyfriend
and girlfriend.
Hey. Wait. Girlfriend?
Wow.
Lily, slow your roll
there, lily pad. Okay?
Yeah. Yeah.
You've been together
all summer. I don't get it.
Okay, it's like this.
After we kissed,
we sat down to have the talk.
We should figure
out what this is.
Yes, we should.
Yeah.
Or... Or...
Okay, now,
we have to figure this out.
Yes, we do.
Or... Or...
We kept trying
to have the talk
and then we realized
we hate the talk.
Yeah, the talk sucks.
You have to, like, talk,
and be all, "I don't know.
It's not that I don't like you.
"It's just that I haven't
had a girlfriend in
a really long time.
"I hope it doesn't
make you mad."
Who needs it?
You "needs" it.
Guys, you can't
just keep hooking up
and not at least try
and figure out
what you mean to each other.
Yeah, we knew
you would say that.
That's why
we kept it a secret.
Well, that and the fact
that elaborate lies
really turn us on.
No, no, no. No.
You need to define
the relationship.
You need to have the talk.
Or... Or...
I know what
you're all thinking.
"Who's this cool peer of mine
up in front of the class?"
Well, I know the board says
"Professor Mosby," but to you,
I'm Ted.
Question. Awesome. Hit it.
Yeah, here's my question, Ted,
who the hell do
you think you are?
Yeah, "Ted."
We're supposed
to learn from you?
You failed as an architect.
Well...
And if you're a professor,
where's your hat
and your whip?
They're at home. I...
And where are your pants?
Oh, God.
Barney, it was awful.
I was teaching...
Shh! Ted, now's
not a good time.
Where do you
keep your condoms?
I am freaking out.
I don't think I can do this.
Okay, look,
mistake number one
was taking
that girl's question.
You don't take
questions on the first day.
It shows weakness.
Mistake number two was
you should've hit that.
Dude, your pants
were already off,
you had a classroom full
of people to cheer you on
and you can't knock her up
'cause it's a dream.
Class dismissed.
Mistake number three,
dude, where was the hat?
Because if you're
not going to wear it,
I'm taking it back.
I think what
Barney's saying is that
definitions are important.
You're their teacher,
not their friend.
Exactly.
If people don't know
their place,
nobody's happy.
Amen.
You have to
make things clear.
Run, tell that!
Define the relationship.
Yes! No!
Lily, private convo time.
Lily, can't you
just let us be happy?
You're not happy.
You just think you're happy
because you feel happy.
And that's not happy?
Of course not.
You and Robin
need to have the talk.
Why? Give me one good reason.
I'll give you 20.
Wow, you can't
even think of one.
Headlights. Deer.
Lily, for the last time,
things with me and Robin are as
good as they can possibly be.
Hey, look, Brad's here.
I've got two tickets to the
Rangers-Canucks game
tomorrow night.
I know you're a hockey fan,
so I was thinking...
What do I have to do?
Put a gun to your head?
Buy you a six-pack?
Come on, Brad, that's...
Wow, there's
really six of them.
Uh, but I can't.
Why not?
You have a boyfriend?
No. No, no boyfriend.
Great! It's a date.
Hey, Barn.
Hey...
I just thought of a reason.
The next night, Robin and Brad
went to a hockey game.
You're probably wondering
why I've been quiet all night.
Um...
Damn it, Hordichuk!
You miss another
gimme like that,
I'm gonna come down there
and put a slapper right
up your beerhole!
Come on!
Not really.
The truth is, I feel kind
of weird being out with you.
Oh, man.
Is this the talk?
What?
No, this is good.
Let's get it all
out of the way.
Robin, I'm looking
for something serious.
No, Brad, no, it's...
But before we go any further,
you should know
something about my stuff
below the belt.
I was born
a little different.
God, no. Brad, no.
This is about me and Barney.
You and...
Oh! So, you guys are...
Well, we don't know
what we are.
I mean, my heart says,
"Leap into it."
My brain says,
"It's a bad idea."
Sounds like you guys
need to have the talk.
We're not gonna have the talk!
Would you just
have the talk, okay?
It's a five-minute
conversation, and then you
get to have sex afterwards.
It's great!
Back me up, Ted.
I don't think
the talk is necessary.
What?
Thank you, Ted.
Because Robin is
already his girlfriend.
What?
MacLaren's Bar,
four years ago.
How do you keep a girl
from becoming your girlfriend?
Simple, the rules for girls
are the same as the rules
for Gremlins.
Gremlins?
Gremlins.
Rule number one,
never get them wet.
In other words,
don't let her take
a shower at your place.
Number two, keep
them away from sunlight,
I.e. Don't ever see
them during the day.
And rule number three,
never feed them after midnight,
meaning she doesn't sleep over
and you don't have breakfast
with her.
Ever.
What about brunch?
Is brunch cool?
No, Ted, brunch is not cool.
Okay, new topic.
How do I pick a tie?
Simple. Remember in
the movie, Predator...
I've done all three of
those things with Robin.
Is she my girlfriend?
Just once, I wish you guys
would call me on Tuxedo Night.
Ladies and gentlemen,
time to pucker up for the
New York Rangers Kiss Cam!
Kiss! Kiss! Kiss!
Okay, how about this?
If you kiss me and
you feel bad about it,
you're meant to be
with Barney.
Why not? Lay it on me.
Hey, Brad.
Brad, we can't fight
like this all night!
We both got
some good shots in.
Let's call a truce!
It's okay, dude.
I shouldn't go kissing
some other guy's girlfriend.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Girlfriend? Hey, come on.
That's putting it
a bit strongly. Okay.
A bit strongly.
She's not my girlfriend.
Yeah. A girlfriend's
a bit much, Brad, okay? We...
Okay, seriously.
We're at the point
of physical violence.
Now, will you
please have the talk?
Because of that? Come on.
That's my thing.
I'm always
punching guys, girls.
I'll punch a baby.
I don't care.
Finally, my first
class had arrived.
For real this time.
I knew I had to make
a strong impression.
I had thought of
everything. Except...
Wait. Does professor
have one "F" or two?
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God!
Professor. Professor.
They're all staring at me.
Professor. I don't know.
Just do something!
Two "Fs".
That looks right.
I think that's right.
Hey, sorry I went
a little too far last night.
Look, we've been over this.
Unless I say "flugelhorn,"
you haven't gone too far.
No, I meant punching Brad.
Right. Look, don't even
worry about it. It's... Oh!
God. The doorknob's
broken off.
We're locked in here.
Did you do this?
No.
Flugelhorn. Did you do this?
No.
Ted.
Ted, are you out there?
Ted's not here, Robin.
Lily, let us out of here.
I'd be glad to.
Just as soon as you
and Barney have the talk.
Lily! Come on. Let us out!
No. Sit down,
define the relationship,
write down that definition
on a piece of paper,
slip it under the door and if
I like what I read, you can go.
We are not having the talk!
Then you'll die in there.
You're gonna
lock us in here?
Well, guess what?
Maybe we'll spend the
whole day having sex!
Well, guess what?
I brought Marshall with me,
so maybe we'll do the same.
Hey, guys.
I still hadn't decided
what kind of professor to be.
Authoritative or cool guy.
I thought I would
decide in the moment.
And I did, about 20 times.
Good morning.
S'up, dudes? Silence!
This is Architecture 101.
I am Professor Mosby,
but you can call me Ted.
Professor Mosby.
T-Dawg.
Do not call me T-Dawg.
Never take questions on the
first day. It shows weakness.
Also, don't look right here.
Okay, good luck. Byesies.
This was it,
my crossroads moment.
What kind of professor
was I gonna be?
I had to decide.
Please save all your questions
until the end of the lecture.
Thank you!
Now...
Professor Mosby had arrived.
Of course, if I had taken
that girl's question,
who, by the way,
was not your mom.
Your mom was sitting...
Wait, let me finish this
real quick.
Here's what that
girl would have said.
I'm sorry to bother you,
Professor Mosby,
but this isn't
Architecture 101.
This is Economics 305.
You're in the wrong classroom.
Yes, I was in
the wrong classroom.
And thus began
the most humiliating
seven minutes of my life.
Here's your
think-about-it for the day.
Every single person in this room
is already an architect.
Architect?
"We're just hanging out."
Just hanging out?
Not good enough.
Not good enough!
Can anyone here tell me
what this class is
really all about?
Economics?
Now, now. Don't laugh.
He's not...
He's not entirely wrong.
An architect
must be economical
in his use of space, so...
Well done.
Looks like someone's building
towards an A. Huh?
"We're seeing
where things are going."
I'll tell you where
things aren't going.
Out of that bedroom.
Not good enough.
Not good enough!
You.
Why do you want
to be an architect?
I don't want
to be an architect.
Yes. Yes, exactly.
It's not something
you want to be.
It's something
you need to be.
You don't have a choice, right?
None of you has a choice.
No questions!
"We're Barnman and Robin."
Come on, you got to admit,
that's kind of funny, Lily.
Not good enough.
Not good enough!
So if any of you
have even
the slightest inclination
to do anything with your life
other than
become an architect,
you're wasting
my time and yours.
There's the door. You can go.
I'm serious. Get out, now.
Whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Wait! Wait, wait, wait!
Don't all leave!
Architecture's fun! Look!
I brought a Hacky Sack!
Sorry I'm late, everyone.
My name is
Professor Calzonetti.
This is Economics 305.
You may return to your seats.
Sorry, sir.
This is Architecture 101.
Who invited their dad, right?
Young man,
for the last 28 years,
Economics 305 has
been taught right here
in Building 14, Room 7.
Yeah, buddy, I'm sure
200 architecture students
and their professor
all got the room wrong.
T-Dawg, you're in
the wrong room, bro.
College kids, out of my way!
Sorry. Coming through.
Excuse me.
Coming through.
Twenty minutes late
on your first day?
That's rough.
Yeah, but
here's the funny thing.
By that point, I didn't
have time to think about
what kind of teacher
I was going to be.
I just got up there and
talked about architecture.
And it was kind of great.
That's awesome, Ted.
Congratulations, buddy.
Thanks.
Nice job, Ted.
Hey, Ted, Door 5!
Were you there?
I got you, buddy.
They still haven't
had the talk, huh?
I think I know how
to speed things up.
Oh! Not cool!
Pancakes, fresh bacon.
It is so yummy.
Dude, I'm starving. Let's...
Let's just have
the stupid talk.
Come on.
Fine.
But how do these
things even work?
What do we say?
"Where do you see
this relationship going?"
Oh, my God,
that sounds so cheesy.
I know, right?
Totally.
But...
Where do you see
this relationship going?
I don't know.
I mean, it's not like
I don't like you.
I just haven't had
a girlfriend for a long time.
I hope that doesn't
make you mad.
Mad?
I feel the same way.
I suck at relationships.
I mean, except with Ted.
Man. He really got it right.
I know it's a cliche,
but he really ruined
me for other men.
Of course, I wasn't in
the room for this conversation,
but I have to imagine
Robin said something like that.
Maybe we should go back
to being just friends.
Maybe.
But...
I don't want to
stop having sex.
Oh, good. Me, neither.
Yeah, friends isn't gonna work.
Nope.
We're not good
at being friends.
We're not good at
being in a relationship.
What are we good at?
I know something we're good at.
I don't know.
If we're gonna do it again,
I'm gonna need some Gatorade...
No. No, not that.
Lying. Think about it.
We spent the whole summer lying
about being just friends.
Why not just keep lying?
Really?
Yeah. Really.
We sat down. We had the talk.
Barney's my boyfriend now.
And Robin's
my girlfriend.
I know it sounds nuts,
but it feels good to say.
We're both
afraid of commitment,
but the fact is,
we also can't live
without each other.
And if the alternative
is not being together,
then it's worth
taking this risk 'cause
she's awesome.
And he's awesome.
He looks nice in a suit.
She can handle her scotch.
He's my boyfriend.
And she's my girlfriend.
Good enough!
She bought it.
Hook, line and sinker.
We are good.
Totally.
So, you want to
get some breakfast?
You know, brunch actually
does sound kind of good.
Hm. Well, lead the way,
sweetie pie.
Whoa! Flugelhorn.
Yeah, that felt wrong.
You do realize
they were lying, right?
No, Ted.
They don't realize
they weren't lying.
Oh! Hello.
Hello. Good evening.
Hello. Don't get up.
Didn't we meet on a yacht?
Hello.
What? Oh, no.
Did I not tell you guys
that it was Tuxedo Night?
Doesn't feel very good,
does it?