This is the story
of two blind dates.
One in 2009,
and one seven years earlier.
In all that time,
my dating routine
remained more
or less the same.
Until the fall of 2009,
when I finally had
a date that was different
because it was
exactly the same.
I was
on a blind date
with the same woman
I went on a blind date
with seven years earlier.
Ted?
Jen?
It's nice to meet you.
And she didn't
remember it. But then again...
It's nice to meet you, too.
neither did I.
Do you want to?
Yeah.
Guess who just
got four tickets
to the Origins of Chewbacca
Star Wars exhibit?
Why?
No, I said, "Guess who?"
I heard you.
Yeah, isn't it a little
early in our relationship
to do something that
would end our relationship?
What? No,
what are you
talking about?
It can be our first
double date as couples!
And plus,
it sounds awesome!
Is the
original Chewbacca
going to be there?
Peter Mayhew, in the fur.
Who's with me?
Hey, do you think
they'll have
Wookiee-to-English
dictionaries there?
I mean,
even just an everyday
phrase book would be helpful.
We're not
going to the Origins of
Chewbacca exhibit, Marshall.
It's in
Houston this year.
Everyone knows that.
I just wanted to
get rid of the girls.
Where are you
taking me, Barney?
This wasn't
the first time your
Uncle Barney
had kidnapped one of us.
Wait a second.
The Origins of Chewbacca
exhibit's in Montreal
this year.
Everyone knows that.
Where are you taking me?
My guy in the DA's office
scored us front row seats
to a lethal injection.
But we're
still stopping
for chili dogs first.
Stop the cab.
Where are you taking me?
Barney, why are we here?
Marshall, now that
Robin and I are together,
I've learned a lot
about relationships
by watching you and Lily.
Thanks, man.
You're a terrible couple.
Lily has taken all
the man out of you.
I used to think that's
just every relationship.
But what I've got
with Robin proves
that you can
have a girlfriend
and fully functioning
male genitalia all at
the same time.
Okay, right.
So, if Robin knew
that you were here,
she would be
completely fine with it?
Are you kidding?
She'd sprint down here
with a purse full of singles
and a poncho for
the 10:30 Jell-O show.
B t dub,
I called ahead, it's lime.
Meanwhile, Jen and
I were in my favorite first
date restaurant
for the second time.
So, Jen, what do you do?
I'm between jobs.
Banking crisis.
I'm between jobs.
Internet bubble burst.
Makes me realize I should go
into something more stable,
like banking.
So, what about you?
I'm an architect.
Hopefully, one day,
I can use my own humble brush
on the masterpiece
that is Manhattan's skyline.
I teach architecture.
Get 50% off
at the bookstore,
so that's pretty sweet.
Married!
What is wrong with you?
You're just looking.
It's like fantasizing
about other women.
It's harmless. Wait.
Don't tell me you don't
fantasize about other women.
I do!
It's just not that easy.
False.
I once fantasized about that
silhouette chick you see on
a truck's mud flaps.
Took me less than a mile.
Not everyone is you,
okay, Barney?
Even when
I do start to have
a dirty thought like that,
it seems
so much like cheating
on Lily, that I feel guilty.
So, first,
I need to have
a different fantasy.
Bad news.
Lily has a rare and
fatal hiccup disorder
that's apparently
medically legitimate.
What? How could this be?
Beats me, but it says it
right here on this doctor
clipboard that doctors have.
It's time, baby.
I will
never love again.
No, Marshall, you must.
And after
an appropriate
number of years,
you should find someone else,
someone like that busty
delivery girl from that
one time,
and plow her
like a cornfield.
And so, Marshall,
to honor Lily,
you must find that busty
delivery girl from that
one time
and plow her
like a cornfield.
Delivery for
Marshall Eriksen.
This one's for you, Lil.
Where do I sign?
And then watch out,
because it is on!
That is the saddest
thing I've ever heard.
Dude, Lily gets you
in real life.
She has
no business
in your fantasies.
It's all I know, okay?
I can't help it.
I accept your invitation.
Marshall Eriksen,
from this day forward,
I will be the wingman
of your mind.
Now, focus
on the next dancer.
Put Lily completely
out of your mind.
Gentlemen,
say hello to
Jasmine.
Barney?
Is it just me or
does that stripper
look exactly like...
Ted, we found a stripper
who looks exactly like Lily!
Uh, yeah,
I can't talk right now.
I'm speechless, too.
Everything's as perky
as we've always imagined!
Stop looking at her.
Look, I gotta go.
Take a picture.
Oh, I will.
But first, I'm going to make
Marshall watch as I wedge
Ulysses S. Grant
between his wife's tatas.
I'll kill you!
Sorry about that.
So, any thoughts on food?
Yeah, do you wanna
share the oysters?
I would love to
share the oysters.
Good. 'Cause if you didn't,
that would be mighty
shellfish.
Wow, that's bad.
That's why it's funny!
We've been on
this date before.
We've been on
this date before.
We've been
on this exact
blind date before.
In this exact
same restaurant.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but
I don't remember that
date going that well.
Me, neither.
I remember thinking that
you were a little snobby.
Wait, you dress your
cats up in weird costumes.
They're not weird. See,
you're being snobby again.
Oh, my God.
Do you realize
what this means?
Since our first date,
we've done a complete lap
of all the single
people in New York
only to end up back here,
with each other.
Whoa.
We're going to die alone,
aren't we?
Well, you've got your cats.
This is insane.
Wait, I gotta ask.
Why did you think
I was snobby?
Wait, okay, yeah,
we were sitting over there.
"Main Lobster." They spelled
Maine without the "e."
Good to know we're
not getting the crappy
understudy lobsters, right?
Tonight, the
role of pound-and-a-half
lobster will be played by...
I get it, Ted.
Pointing out spelling errors
in a menu makes you seem
kind of snooty.
Huh.
I had no idea.
Okay, well,
what about me?
Aside from the cats,
how did I come across?
That's right, the check.
The check came and,
of course,
I was going to pay,
but you didn't
do the check dance.
Guys want to wave the girl off
and, you know, look like
a big shot.
Huh.
I had no idea.
This is good.
We're learning stuff.
You know what we should do?
We should retrace the rest
of that night
and figure out what else
we do wrong on first dates.
'Cause let's be honest.
We are scaring people
off, Jen.
We really are.
Okay, I'm in.
Great.
Where'd we go next?
I think we went to MacLaren's.
Okay.
Hey, I didn't really talk
about my cats that much,
did I?
And then, there's
Tabby-Gail Adams,
the jester of the group.
Tone down the
kitty talk. Check.
You will not believe
who we saw tonight.
Dude...
We saw the third doppelganger!
I should explain.
Over the years,
we had spotted
two strangers
who looked exactly
like members of our group.
Hey, hey, hey!
Lesbian Robin.
And Mustache Marshall.
By the following summer,
we would find the
remaining two doppelgangers,
but I'll get to that.
Ladies, meet Stripper Lily.
Oh!
Okay.
Yeah, I couldn't
get her face in it,
but she looks
just like you.
So you went
to a strip club?
Busted.
And there was a stripper
who looked exactly like me?
Okay, babe, look, before
you get mad, let me...
Awesome!
I bet the guys
were going crazy.
I bet they wanted
to touch her so bad,
but all you can do is look,
unless you
go into the back room, but,
honey, you gotta pay for that.
So, strip club.
Marshall made me go.
All right,
so what did I
do wrong next?
Let me have it.
I'm here to learn.
Well, I kept dropping
hints that I was cold,
but you didn't
offer me your jacket.
It's a little
brisk out tonight, huh?
Not really.
Really? I can't
feel my fingers.
I'm pretty impervious
to stuff like that.
I couldn't admit I was cold.
I didn't want to seem like
a wimp
compared to your
action hero ex-boyfriend
who you wouldn't
stop talking about.
After a day of
fighting fires,
Jim would love to come home
and unwind working on his
'68 Camaro.
That or bare-knuckle boxing,
which he learned in the
Marine Corps.
I had an aunt in
the Coast Guard.
Okay, so no talking
about the ex.
Not even about his
shockingly small wiener?
See? Why didn't you
lead off with that?
Was there a shower on stage?
Sometimes there's a shower
on stage.
I bet stripper me
would get in there
with another girl
and just go bananas.
See, Marshall?
We got to have a bros'
night at a strip club
and both of our ladies
are totally cool with it.
I'm not cool with it.
Because they understand
that it's healthy for us
to do that from time to time.
It's disgusting.
Because it's harmless.
Did one of your
whores tell you that?
And, Lil,
Marshall shouldn't have
to go to so much trouble
just to have
an innocent fantasy.
Trouble? What trouble?
It's... No, it's nothing.
Marshall, tell her.
We're all friends here.
No, we're not.
Lily, sometimes I think
about other women.
Okay, it happens.
But even when I do,
I feel so guilty
that I...
I have to imagine
you passing away first
because even
in a fantasy world,
I could never cheat on you.
You're just my life,
baby, and I love you.
You kill me off?
I mean,
fantasize about
other girls all you want,
but could you
maybe not murder me?
Murder? No! I... Baby, no.
You develop a chronic illness!
I spare no expense
for your care!
I even set up a foundation
in your name.
We're, like,
this close to a cure.
Remember?
Oh, yeah!
I do remember.
We went in here for a drink
with your friends,
who I loved.
Or hated, depending on
whether you're still
friends with them.
You love them.
They're family, Ted.
Let's go in and see
what they remember.
And they are my best friends,
so don't be surprised if they
suddenly can't think of
anything I do wrong.
Did he juggle? Bad puns?
Expect a standing ovation
for picking up a $19 check?
Let's not forget
the menu typo gold mine.
Keep panning
that river, buddy.
Well, it is
a lot cheaper
than buying a condom.
Actually,
you know what it was?
I remember him coming across
as kind of a player.
Me?
Ted?
Yeah. We were all
sitting over there.
And here's a picture of
my cats dressed up like
Batman villains.
You got the Joker,
the Riddler, Mr. Freeze...
Well, what about Catwoman?
Yeah, that
would've been good.
Psst. Ted.
Nice.
Wait, wait, wait, no, no, no!
I remember that.
I was not checking out
a girl.
Psst. Ted.
Nice.
We were checking out
Mustache Marshall.
Oh!
Gosh, I thought
you were such a jerk.
I'm so sorry.
Yeah, well,
it's nice to know "past me"
wasn't a total jackass, huh?
"Present you"
isn't so bad, either.
Thank you very much. Yes.
You got it?
Oh, yeah!
I remember this.
And there's
the Chrysler Building.
And the Empire
State Building.
And at twelve o' clock,
a rotund couple going
at it against the glass.
Oh!
That's kind of sweet.
Oh, look, snack break.
Good for them.
Letting a guy eat pizza
off your back, that's love.
So, I know this wasn't
the best first date of
all time,
but I'm glad
we stuck it out.
Me, too.
That was really great.
What went wrong?
I remember now.
Wow.
Yeah.
So, would you maybe
want to go out again?
Yeah, I... I would.
Will you call me?
Absolutely.
Promise?
Promise.
I have been so busy.
Good night, Ted.
Hello?
Jen, I'm sorry.
Look, I know
I'm seven years
late with this call,
but I was
an idiot back then.
You saw the goatee.
The truth is,
I had a great time tonight,
and I'd love
to see you again.
Ted, there are
two kinds of guys.
The guys that you
want to call you,
who don't,
and the guys you don't want
to call you, who always do.
And somehow,
right now, you're both.
Baby, you should
be able to fantasize
about another woman
without feeling guilty,
or, you know, killing me off.
I wish that I could,
but I've been doing
this for so long,
I'm all confused
about death and sex.
It's gotten to the point
where every time I drive
past a cemetery,
I'm sporting a partial.
All right, we gotta fix this.
Okay, when Stripper Lily
gets out here,
you have my permission
to fantasize about her.
And since she's basically me,
maybe you won't feel guilty.
Thanks, baby.
I'm so lucky to have you.
And stripper you.
Bring out Stripper Lily!
You know,
I don't come
here that much.
Hey, Barney.
Here's the usual
and I'll send over
the other usual as soon
as she's done stretching.
Thank you,
kindly stranger.
Ladies and gentlemen...
Oh! Hey, Barney.
I didn't see you come in.
I'll load up some
AC/DC for you, buddy.
Ladies and gentlemen,
please put
your hands together
for Jasmine.
I am hot!
Yeah.
Crawl for it, stripper me.
This is awesome, baby.
Can I get another $100?
That was $100?
Wow, she crawls fast.
Look, Jen,
I wish I could go back
and talk
some sense into 2002 Ted,
but that guy's a lost cause.
He's 24.
He thinks a little
facial hair makes him
look like Johnny Depp.
And he has no idea what
a great girl he's
missing out on.
But I've
learned a lot since then.
I've learned a lot tonight.
The only thing that
we've learned is that
seven years ago,
it was a mistake
for us to go out.
And I guess
it was a mistake
for us to go out tonight.
No, it wasn't.
I had a great time tonight.
And seven years ago,
if you think about it,
we didn't miss by
that much.
I mean, if
a couple of things had
gone a little bit differently,
who knows what
would have happened?
The words are finally here
you're the only star
in the film I never made
rewind it all the time
Wow.
You are the best,
you are the best.
My girlfriend
is at a strip club with me
and she couldn't care less.
I do care, Barney.
Look, we're
dating now, okay?
That changes things.
We need to have
a serious talk
about this.
Just the best.
Hey, girlfriend trouble?
I wish I could help,
but my unbelievably
cool wife
just bought us
a private dance
with her
stripper body double.
So, if you need me,
I'll be getting grinded
like some pepper
in the champagne room.
Just the best.
Now what?
I just remembered
why I didn't call you.
Why?
I can't believe
I'm gonna screw this up again.
But I like
finding typos in menus.
What?
And I know my shellfish
pun is stupid, but the
truth is,
I'm not
suddenly gonna stop
making stupid jokes.
Now that you mention it,
I'm never going
to stop talking
about my cats.
They're funny and
adorable and totally
worth having to
take six Benadryl a day.
Shouldn't we hold
out for the person
who doesn't
just tolerate
our little quirks,
but actually
kind of likes them?
Even if it means
finding ourselves
on another blind
date with each other
seven years from now?
Oh, dear God,
I hope that doesn't happen.
Well, good luck
out there, Jen.
You, too, Ted.
You'll find
your shellfish lady.
And kids,
when I told your mother
that shellfish joke,
she did laugh.
And I swear, it was
only, like, 30% pity.
Hey, Lil. Looks like Jasmine's
having a hard time getting
out of those boots.
What did you say, buddy?
Lily?
Who?
Oh, yes,
I am this Lily.
We married long time.
May I have
monies for shopping?
Lily!
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