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This is the story

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of two blind dates.

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One in 2009,

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and one seven years earlier.

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In all that time,

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my dating routine

7
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remained more

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or less the same.

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Until the fall of 2009,

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when I finally had

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a date that was different

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because it was

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exactly the same.

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I was

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on a blind date

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with the same woman

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I went on a blind date

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with seven years earlier.

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Ted?

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Jen?

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It's nice to meet you.

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And she didn't

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remember it. But then again...

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It's nice to meet you, too.

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neither did I.

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Do you want to?

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Yeah.

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Guess who just

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got four tickets

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to the Origins of Chewbacca

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Star Wars exhibit?

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Why?

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No, I said, "Guess who?"

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I heard you.

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Yeah, isn't it a little

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early in our relationship

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to do something that

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would end our relationship?

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What? No,

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what are you

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talking about?

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It can be our first

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double date as couples!

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And plus,

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it sounds awesome!

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Is the

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original Chewbacca

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going to be there?

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Peter Mayhew, in the fur.

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Who's with me?

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Hey, do you think

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they'll have

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Wookiee-to-English

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dictionaries there?

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I mean,

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even just an everyday

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phrase book would be helpful.

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We're not

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going to the Origins of

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Chewbacca exhibit, Marshall.

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It's in

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Houston this year.

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Everyone knows that.

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I just wanted to

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get rid of the girls.

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Where are you

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taking me, Barney?

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This wasn't

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the first time your

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Uncle Barney

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had kidnapped one of us.

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Wait a second.

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The Origins of Chewbacca

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exhibit's in Montreal

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this year.

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Everyone knows that.

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Where are you taking me?

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My guy in the DA's office

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scored us front row seats

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to a lethal injection.

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But we're

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still stopping

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for chili dogs first.

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Stop the cab.

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Where are you taking me?

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Barney, why are we here?

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Marshall, now that

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Robin and I are together,

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I've learned a lot

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about relationships

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by watching you and Lily.

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Thanks, man.

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You're a terrible couple.

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Lily has taken all

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the man out of you.

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I used to think that's

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just every relationship.

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But what I've got

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with Robin proves

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that you can

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have a girlfriend

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and fully functioning

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male genitalia all at

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the same time.

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Okay, right.

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So, if Robin knew

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that you were here,

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she would be

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completely fine with it?

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Are you kidding?

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She'd sprint down here

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with a purse full of singles

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and a poncho for

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the 10:30 Jell-O show.

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B t dub,

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I called ahead, it's lime.

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Meanwhile, Jen and

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I were in my favorite first

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date restaurant

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for the second time.

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So, Jen, what do you do?

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I'm between jobs.

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Banking crisis.

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I'm between jobs.

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Internet bubble burst.

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Makes me realize I should go

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into something more stable,

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like banking.

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So, what about you?

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I'm an architect.

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Hopefully, one day,

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I can use my own humble brush

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on the masterpiece

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that is Manhattan's skyline.

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I teach architecture.

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Get 50% off

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at the bookstore,

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so that's pretty sweet.

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Married!

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What is wrong with you?

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You're just looking.

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It's like fantasizing

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about other women.

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It's harmless. Wait.

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Don't tell me you don't

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fantasize about other women.

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I do!

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It's just not that easy.

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False.

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I once fantasized about that

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silhouette chick you see on

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a truck's mud flaps.

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Took me less than a mile.

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Not everyone is you,

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okay, Barney?

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Even when

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I do start to have

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a dirty thought like that,

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it seems

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so much like cheating

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on Lily, that I feel guilty.

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So, first,

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I need to have

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a different fantasy.

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Bad news.

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Lily has a rare and

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fatal hiccup disorder

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that's apparently

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medically legitimate.

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What? How could this be?

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Beats me, but it says it

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right here on this doctor

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clipboard that doctors have.

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It's time, baby.

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I will

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never love again.

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No, Marshall, you must.

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And after

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an appropriate

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number of years,

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you should find someone else,

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someone like that busty

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delivery girl from that

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one time,

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and plow her

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like a cornfield.

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And so, Marshall,

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to honor Lily,

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you must find that busty

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delivery girl from that

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one time

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and plow her

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like a cornfield.

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Delivery for

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Marshall Eriksen.

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This one's for you, Lil.

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Where do I sign?

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And then watch out,

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because it is on!

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That is the saddest

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thing I've ever heard.

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Dude, Lily gets you

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in real life.

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She has

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no business

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in your fantasies.

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It's all I know, okay?

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I can't help it.

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I accept your invitation.

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Marshall Eriksen,

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00:05:42,827 --> 00:05:46,247
from this day forward,

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I will be the wingman

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of your mind.

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Now, focus

215
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on the next dancer.

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Put Lily completely

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out of your mind.

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Gentlemen,

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say hello to

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Jasmine.

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Barney?

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Is it just me or

223
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does that stripper

224
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look exactly like...

225
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Ted, we found a stripper

226
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who looks exactly like Lily!

227
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Uh, yeah,

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I can't talk right now.

229
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I'm speechless, too.

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Everything's as perky

231
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as we've always imagined!

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Stop looking at her.

233
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Look, I gotta go.

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Take a picture.

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Oh, I will.

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But first, I'm going to make

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Marshall watch as I wedge

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Ulysses S. Grant

239
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between his wife's tatas.

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I'll kill you!

241
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Sorry about that.

242
00:06:28,581 --> 00:06:30,458
So, any thoughts on food?

243
00:06:33,085 --> 00:06:35,838
Yeah, do you wanna

244
00:06:33,085 --> 00:06:35,838
share the oysters?

245
00:06:35,880 --> 00:06:37,840
I would love to

246
00:06:35,880 --> 00:06:37,840
share the oysters.

247
00:06:37,882 --> 00:06:41,636
Good. 'Cause if you didn't,

248
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that would be mighty

249
00:06:37,882 --> 00:06:41,636
shellfish.

250
00:06:43,221 --> 00:06:46,265
Wow, that's bad.

251
00:06:46,307 --> 00:06:47,808
That's why it's funny!

252
00:06:50,061 --> 00:06:51,270
We've been on

253
00:06:50,061 --> 00:06:51,270
this date before.

254
00:06:51,312 --> 00:06:52,188
We've been on

255
00:06:51,312 --> 00:06:52,188
this date before.

256
00:06:58,570 --> 00:07:01,531
We've been

257
00:06:58,570 --> 00:07:01,531
on this exact

258
00:06:58,570 --> 00:07:01,531
blind date before.

259
00:07:01,573 --> 00:07:05,243
In this exact

260
00:07:01,573 --> 00:07:05,243
same restaurant.

261
00:07:05,284 --> 00:07:07,995
Correct me if I'm wrong, but

262
00:07:05,284 --> 00:07:07,995
I don't remember that

263
00:07:05,284 --> 00:07:07,995
date going that well.

264
00:07:08,037 --> 00:07:09,455
Me, neither.

265
00:07:09,497 --> 00:07:13,125
I remember thinking that

266
00:07:09,497 --> 00:07:13,125
you were a little snobby.

267
00:07:13,167 --> 00:07:16,879
Wait, you dress your

268
00:07:13,167 --> 00:07:16,879
cats up in weird costumes.

269
00:07:16,921 --> 00:07:19,674
They're not weird. See,

270
00:07:16,921 --> 00:07:19,674
you're being snobby again.

271
00:07:19,716 --> 00:07:22,552
Oh, my God.

272
00:07:19,716 --> 00:07:22,552
Do you realize

273
00:07:19,716 --> 00:07:22,552
what this means?

274
00:07:22,594 --> 00:07:26,598
Since our first date,

275
00:07:22,594 --> 00:07:26,598
we've done a complete lap

276
00:07:26,639 --> 00:07:28,767
of all the single

277
00:07:26,639 --> 00:07:28,767
people in New York

278
00:07:28,808 --> 00:07:30,935
only to end up back here,

279
00:07:28,808 --> 00:07:30,935
with each other.

280
00:07:30,976 --> 00:07:32,978
Whoa.

281
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We're going to die alone,

282
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aren't we?

283
00:07:35,273 --> 00:07:38,150
Well, you've got your cats.

284
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This is insane.

285
00:07:40,361 --> 00:07:42,655
Wait, I gotta ask.

286
00:07:40,361 --> 00:07:42,655
Why did you think

287
00:07:40,361 --> 00:07:42,655
I was snobby?

288
00:07:44,407 --> 00:07:46,867
Wait, okay, yeah,

289
00:07:44,407 --> 00:07:46,867
we were sitting over there.

290
00:07:50,246 --> 00:07:53,750
"Main Lobster." They spelled

291
00:07:50,246 --> 00:07:53,750
Maine without the "e."

292
00:07:53,792 --> 00:07:57,920
Good to know we're

293
00:07:53,792 --> 00:07:57,920
not getting the crappy

294
00:07:53,792 --> 00:07:57,920
understudy lobsters, right?

295
00:07:57,962 --> 00:08:00,381
Tonight, the

296
00:07:57,962 --> 00:08:00,381
role of pound-and-a-half

297
00:07:57,962 --> 00:08:00,381
lobster will be played by...

298
00:08:00,423 --> 00:08:03,301
I get it, Ted.

299
00:08:03,342 --> 00:08:06,554
Pointing out spelling errors

300
00:08:03,342 --> 00:08:06,554
in a menu makes you seem

301
00:08:03,342 --> 00:08:06,554
kind of snooty.

302
00:08:06,596 --> 00:08:07,597
Huh.

303
00:08:08,222 --> 00:08:09,432
I had no idea.

304
00:08:09,474 --> 00:08:12,935
Okay, well,

305
00:08:09,474 --> 00:08:12,935
what about me?

306
00:08:09,474 --> 00:08:12,935
Aside from the cats,

307
00:08:12,977 --> 00:08:14,520
how did I come across?

308
00:08:14,562 --> 00:08:16,731
That's right, the check.

309
00:08:16,773 --> 00:08:19,525
The check came and,

310
00:08:16,773 --> 00:08:19,525
of course,

311
00:08:16,773 --> 00:08:19,525
I was going to pay,

312
00:08:19,567 --> 00:08:21,193
but you didn't

313
00:08:19,567 --> 00:08:21,193
do the check dance.

314
00:08:42,006 --> 00:08:44,383
Guys want to wave the girl off

315
00:08:42,006 --> 00:08:44,383
and, you know, look like

316
00:08:42,006 --> 00:08:44,383
a big shot.

317
00:08:44,425 --> 00:08:45,718
Huh.

318
00:08:45,760 --> 00:08:47,428
I had no idea.

319
00:08:47,470 --> 00:08:49,347
This is good.

320
00:08:47,470 --> 00:08:49,347
We're learning stuff.

321
00:08:49,388 --> 00:08:52,558
You know what we should do?

322
00:08:49,388 --> 00:08:52,558
We should retrace the rest

323
00:08:49,388 --> 00:08:52,558
of that night

324
00:08:52,600 --> 00:08:55,770
and figure out what else

325
00:08:52,600 --> 00:08:55,770
we do wrong on first dates.

326
00:08:55,812 --> 00:08:59,357
'Cause let's be honest.

327
00:08:55,812 --> 00:08:59,357
We are scaring people

328
00:08:55,812 --> 00:08:59,357
off, Jen.

329
00:08:59,398 --> 00:09:01,192
We really are.

330
00:09:01,233 --> 00:09:03,027
Okay, I'm in.

331
00:09:03,068 --> 00:09:04,987
Great.

332
00:09:03,068 --> 00:09:04,987
Where'd we go next?

333
00:09:05,029 --> 00:09:06,865
I think we went to MacLaren's.

334
00:09:05,029 --> 00:09:06,865
Okay.

335
00:09:11,994 --> 00:09:15,998
Hey, I didn't really talk

336
00:09:11,994 --> 00:09:15,998
about my cats that much,

337
00:09:11,994 --> 00:09:15,998
did I?

338
00:09:16,040 --> 00:09:18,000
And then, there's

339
00:09:16,040 --> 00:09:18,000
Tabby-Gail Adams,

340
00:09:18,042 --> 00:09:19,960
the jester of the group.

341
00:09:22,046 --> 00:09:24,048
Tone down the

342
00:09:22,046 --> 00:09:24,048
kitty talk. Check.

343
00:09:26,175 --> 00:09:29,011
You will not believe

344
00:09:26,175 --> 00:09:29,011
who we saw tonight.

345
00:09:29,053 --> 00:09:32,014
Dude...

346
00:09:29,053 --> 00:09:32,014
We saw the third doppelganger!

347
00:09:33,474 --> 00:09:34,934
I should explain.

348
00:09:34,975 --> 00:09:36,435
Over the years,

349
00:09:34,975 --> 00:09:36,435
we had spotted

350
00:09:34,975 --> 00:09:36,435
two strangers

351
00:09:36,477 --> 00:09:39,021
who looked exactly

352
00:09:36,477 --> 00:09:39,021
like members of our group.

353
00:09:40,147 --> 00:09:41,774
Hey, hey, hey!

354
00:09:41,816 --> 00:09:43,025
Lesbian Robin.

355
00:09:47,363 --> 00:09:48,656
And Mustache Marshall.

356
00:09:50,575 --> 00:09:52,368
By the following summer,

357
00:09:52,410 --> 00:09:54,036
we would find the

358
00:09:52,410 --> 00:09:54,036
remaining two doppelgangers,

359
00:09:54,078 --> 00:09:55,204
but I'll get to that.

360
00:09:55,246 --> 00:09:58,666
Ladies, meet Stripper Lily.

361
00:09:59,166 --> 00:10:00,418
Oh!

362
00:10:00,459 --> 00:10:02,044
Okay.

363
00:10:02,086 --> 00:10:03,421
Yeah, I couldn't

364
00:10:02,086 --> 00:10:03,421
get her face in it,

365
00:10:03,462 --> 00:10:05,297
but she looks

366
00:10:03,462 --> 00:10:05,297
just like you.

367
00:10:05,339 --> 00:10:07,007
So you went

368
00:10:05,339 --> 00:10:07,007
to a strip club?

369
00:10:07,049 --> 00:10:08,384
Busted.

370
00:10:08,426 --> 00:10:11,345
And there was a stripper

371
00:10:08,426 --> 00:10:11,345
who looked exactly like me?

372
00:10:11,387 --> 00:10:13,556
Okay, babe, look, before

373
00:10:11,387 --> 00:10:13,556
you get mad, let me...

374
00:10:13,598 --> 00:10:16,601
Awesome!

375
00:10:13,598 --> 00:10:16,601
I bet the guys

376
00:10:13,598 --> 00:10:16,601
were going crazy.

377
00:10:16,642 --> 00:10:20,563
I bet they wanted

378
00:10:16,642 --> 00:10:20,563
to touch her so bad,

379
00:10:16,642 --> 00:10:20,563
but all you can do is look,

380
00:10:20,605 --> 00:10:24,066
unless you

381
00:10:20,605 --> 00:10:24,066
go into the back room, but,

382
00:10:20,605 --> 00:10:24,066
honey, you gotta pay for that.

383
00:10:24,108 --> 00:10:27,027
So, strip club.

384
00:10:27,069 --> 00:10:28,195
Marshall made me go.

385
00:10:30,155 --> 00:10:32,032
All right,

386
00:10:30,155 --> 00:10:32,032
so what did I

387
00:10:30,155 --> 00:10:32,032
do wrong next?

388
00:10:32,074 --> 00:10:34,076
Let me have it.

389
00:10:32,074 --> 00:10:34,076
I'm here to learn.

390
00:10:34,118 --> 00:10:37,037
Well, I kept dropping

391
00:10:34,118 --> 00:10:37,037
hints that I was cold,

392
00:10:37,079 --> 00:10:39,916
but you didn't

393
00:10:37,079 --> 00:10:39,916
offer me your jacket.

394
00:10:39,958 --> 00:10:42,042
It's a little

395
00:10:39,958 --> 00:10:42,042
brisk out tonight, huh?

396
00:10:42,084 --> 00:10:43,753
Not really.

397
00:10:43,795 --> 00:10:46,965
Really? I can't

398
00:10:43,795 --> 00:10:46,965
feel my fingers.

399
00:10:47,006 --> 00:10:49,801
I'm pretty impervious

400
00:10:47,006 --> 00:10:49,801
to stuff like that.

401
00:10:49,842 --> 00:10:52,971
I couldn't admit I was cold.

402
00:10:49,842 --> 00:10:52,971
I didn't want to seem like

403
00:10:49,842 --> 00:10:52,971
a wimp

404
00:10:53,012 --> 00:10:54,764
compared to your

405
00:10:53,012 --> 00:10:54,764
action hero ex-boyfriend

406
00:10:54,806 --> 00:10:56,724
who you wouldn't

407
00:10:54,806 --> 00:10:56,724
stop talking about.

408
00:10:56,766 --> 00:10:58,559
After a day of

409
00:10:56,766 --> 00:10:58,559
fighting fires,

410
00:10:58,601 --> 00:11:02,146
Jim would love to come home

411
00:10:58,601 --> 00:11:02,146
and unwind working on his

412
00:10:58,601 --> 00:11:02,146
'68 Camaro.

413
00:11:02,187 --> 00:11:06,317
That or bare-knuckle boxing,

414
00:11:02,187 --> 00:11:06,317
which he learned in the

415
00:11:02,187 --> 00:11:06,317
Marine Corps.

416
00:11:06,358 --> 00:11:09,028
I had an aunt in

417
00:11:06,358 --> 00:11:09,028
the Coast Guard.

418
00:11:09,069 --> 00:11:13,032
Okay, so no talking

419
00:11:09,069 --> 00:11:13,032
about the ex.

420
00:11:13,073 --> 00:11:15,827
Not even about his

421
00:11:13,073 --> 00:11:15,827
shockingly small wiener?

422
00:11:15,868 --> 00:11:18,579
See? Why didn't you

423
00:11:15,868 --> 00:11:18,579
lead off with that?

424
00:11:21,582 --> 00:11:24,710
Was there a shower on stage?

425
00:11:21,582 --> 00:11:24,710
Sometimes there's a shower

426
00:11:21,582 --> 00:11:24,710
on stage.

427
00:11:24,752 --> 00:11:26,170
I bet stripper me

428
00:11:24,752 --> 00:11:26,170
would get in there

429
00:11:26,211 --> 00:11:29,465
with another girl

430
00:11:26,211 --> 00:11:29,465
and just go bananas.

431
00:11:29,507 --> 00:11:32,593
See, Marshall?

432
00:11:29,507 --> 00:11:32,593
We got to have a bros'

433
00:11:29,507 --> 00:11:32,593
night at a strip club

434
00:11:32,635 --> 00:11:34,595
and both of our ladies

435
00:11:32,635 --> 00:11:34,595
are totally cool with it.

436
00:11:34,637 --> 00:11:37,097
I'm not cool with it.

437
00:11:37,139 --> 00:11:39,141
Because they understand

438
00:11:37,139 --> 00:11:39,141
that it's healthy for us

439
00:11:37,139 --> 00:11:39,141
to do that from time to time.

440
00:11:39,183 --> 00:11:40,392
It's disgusting.

441
00:11:40,434 --> 00:11:42,144
Because it's harmless.

442
00:11:42,186 --> 00:11:44,146
Did one of your

443
00:11:42,186 --> 00:11:44,146
whores tell you that?

444
00:11:44,188 --> 00:11:47,316
And, Lil,

445
00:11:44,188 --> 00:11:47,316
Marshall shouldn't have

446
00:11:44,188 --> 00:11:47,316
to go to so much trouble

447
00:11:47,358 --> 00:11:49,485
just to have

448
00:11:47,358 --> 00:11:49,485
an innocent fantasy.

449
00:11:49,527 --> 00:11:50,736
Trouble? What trouble?

450
00:11:50,778 --> 00:11:52,154
It's... No, it's nothing.

451
00:11:52,196 --> 00:11:53,656
Marshall, tell her.

452
00:11:52,196 --> 00:11:53,656
We're all friends here.

453
00:11:53,698 --> 00:11:54,907
No, we're not.

454
00:11:58,619 --> 00:12:03,165
Lily, sometimes I think

455
00:11:58,619 --> 00:12:03,165
about other women.

456
00:11:58,619 --> 00:12:03,165
Okay, it happens.

457
00:12:03,207 --> 00:12:07,127
But even when I do,

458
00:12:03,207 --> 00:12:07,127
I feel so guilty

459
00:12:03,207 --> 00:12:07,127
that I...

460
00:12:07,169 --> 00:12:10,089
I have to imagine

461
00:12:07,169 --> 00:12:10,089
you passing away first

462
00:12:10,172 --> 00:12:14,134
because even

463
00:12:10,172 --> 00:12:14,134
in a fantasy world,

464
00:12:10,172 --> 00:12:14,134
I could never cheat on you.

465
00:12:14,176 --> 00:12:16,345
You're just my life,

466
00:12:14,176 --> 00:12:16,345
baby, and I love you.

467
00:12:19,181 --> 00:12:21,183
You kill me off?

468
00:12:21,225 --> 00:12:23,352
I mean,

469
00:12:21,225 --> 00:12:23,352
fantasize about

470
00:12:21,225 --> 00:12:23,352
other girls all you want,

471
00:12:23,394 --> 00:12:25,563
but could you

472
00:12:23,394 --> 00:12:25,563
maybe not murder me?

473
00:12:25,604 --> 00:12:28,691
Murder? No! I... Baby, no.

474
00:12:25,604 --> 00:12:28,691
You develop a chronic illness!

475
00:12:28,733 --> 00:12:30,484
I spare no expense

476
00:12:28,733 --> 00:12:30,484
for your care!

477
00:12:30,526 --> 00:12:32,070
I even set up a foundation

478
00:12:30,526 --> 00:12:32,070
in your name.

479
00:12:32,111 --> 00:12:33,529
We're, like,

480
00:12:32,111 --> 00:12:33,529
this close to a cure.

481
00:12:35,239 --> 00:12:37,199
Remember?

482
00:12:37,241 --> 00:12:39,201
Oh, yeah!

483
00:12:37,241 --> 00:12:39,201
I do remember.

484
00:12:39,243 --> 00:12:41,787
We went in here for a drink

485
00:12:39,243 --> 00:12:41,787
with your friends,

486
00:12:39,243 --> 00:12:41,787
who I loved.

487
00:12:41,829 --> 00:12:44,289
Or hated, depending on

488
00:12:41,829 --> 00:12:44,289
whether you're still

489
00:12:41,829 --> 00:12:44,289
friends with them.

490
00:12:44,331 --> 00:12:46,792
You love them.

491
00:12:44,331 --> 00:12:46,792
They're family, Ted.

492
00:12:46,834 --> 00:12:48,502
Let's go in and see

493
00:12:46,834 --> 00:12:48,502
what they remember.

494
00:12:48,544 --> 00:12:51,171
And they are my best friends,

495
00:12:51,213 --> 00:12:54,508
so don't be surprised if they

496
00:12:51,213 --> 00:12:54,508
suddenly can't think of

497
00:12:51,213 --> 00:12:54,508
anything I do wrong.

498
00:12:54,550 --> 00:12:56,385
Did he juggle? Bad puns?

499
00:12:56,427 --> 00:12:59,388
Expect a standing ovation

500
00:12:56,427 --> 00:12:59,388
for picking up a $19 check?

501
00:12:59,430 --> 00:13:03,183
Let's not forget

502
00:12:59,430 --> 00:13:03,183
the menu typo gold mine.

503
00:13:03,225 --> 00:13:04,894
Keep panning

504
00:13:03,225 --> 00:13:04,894
that river, buddy.

505
00:13:04,936 --> 00:13:06,478
Well, it is

506
00:13:04,936 --> 00:13:06,478
a lot cheaper

507
00:13:04,936 --> 00:13:06,478
than buying a condom.

508
00:13:08,606 --> 00:13:11,067
Actually,

509
00:13:08,606 --> 00:13:11,067
you know what it was?

510
00:13:11,109 --> 00:13:13,277
I remember him coming across

511
00:13:11,109 --> 00:13:13,277
as kind of a player.

512
00:13:13,318 --> 00:13:15,195
Me?

513
00:13:13,318 --> 00:13:15,195
Ted?

514
00:13:15,237 --> 00:13:17,406
Yeah. We were all

515
00:13:15,237 --> 00:13:17,406
sitting over there.

516
00:13:20,367 --> 00:13:23,704
And here's a picture of

517
00:13:20,367 --> 00:13:23,704
my cats dressed up like

518
00:13:20,367 --> 00:13:23,704
Batman villains.

519
00:13:23,746 --> 00:13:26,457
You got the Joker,

520
00:13:23,746 --> 00:13:26,457
the Riddler, Mr. Freeze...

521
00:13:26,498 --> 00:13:28,250
Well, what about Catwoman?

522
00:13:28,292 --> 00:13:30,210
Yeah, that

523
00:13:28,292 --> 00:13:30,210
would've been good.

524
00:13:32,130 --> 00:13:33,338
Psst. Ted.

525
00:13:35,299 --> 00:13:36,467
Nice.

526
00:13:38,385 --> 00:13:40,262
Wait, wait, wait, no, no, no!

527
00:13:38,385 --> 00:13:40,262
I remember that.

528
00:13:40,304 --> 00:13:42,264
I was not checking out

529
00:13:40,304 --> 00:13:42,264
a girl.

530
00:13:42,306 --> 00:13:43,599
Psst. Ted.

531
00:13:49,897 --> 00:13:51,857
Nice.

532
00:13:51,899 --> 00:13:53,358
We were checking out

533
00:13:51,899 --> 00:13:53,358
Mustache Marshall.

534
00:13:53,400 --> 00:13:55,486
Oh!

535
00:13:55,527 --> 00:13:58,656
Gosh, I thought

536
00:13:55,527 --> 00:13:58,656
you were such a jerk.

537
00:13:55,527 --> 00:13:58,656
I'm so sorry.

538
00:13:58,697 --> 00:14:03,285
Yeah, well,

539
00:13:58,697 --> 00:14:03,285
it's nice to know "past me"

540
00:13:58,697 --> 00:14:03,285
wasn't a total jackass, huh?

541
00:14:03,327 --> 00:14:04,954
"Present you"

542
00:14:03,327 --> 00:14:04,954
isn't so bad, either.

543
00:14:08,332 --> 00:14:10,250
Thank you very much. Yes.

544
00:14:08,332 --> 00:14:10,250
You got it?

545
00:14:12,503 --> 00:14:17,299
Oh, yeah!

546
00:14:12,503 --> 00:14:17,299
I remember this.

547
00:14:17,341 --> 00:14:19,051
And there's

548
00:14:17,341 --> 00:14:19,051
the Chrysler Building.

549
00:14:19,093 --> 00:14:21,137
And the Empire

550
00:14:19,093 --> 00:14:21,137
State Building.

551
00:14:22,554 --> 00:14:24,348
And at twelve o' clock,

552
00:14:24,389 --> 00:14:26,767
a rotund couple going

553
00:14:24,389 --> 00:14:26,767
at it against the glass.

554
00:14:26,809 --> 00:14:28,102
Oh!

555
00:14:28,144 --> 00:14:30,312
That's kind of sweet.

556
00:14:30,354 --> 00:14:32,564
Oh, look, snack break.

557
00:14:34,108 --> 00:14:35,734
Good for them.

558
00:14:35,776 --> 00:14:38,278
Letting a guy eat pizza

559
00:14:35,776 --> 00:14:38,278
off your back, that's love.

560
00:14:41,657 --> 00:14:46,120
So, I know this wasn't

561
00:14:41,657 --> 00:14:46,120
the best first date of

562
00:14:41,657 --> 00:14:46,120
all time,

563
00:14:46,162 --> 00:14:49,165
but I'm glad

564
00:14:46,162 --> 00:14:49,165
we stuck it out.

565
00:14:49,207 --> 00:14:50,082
Me, too.

566
00:14:57,215 --> 00:15:00,342
That was really great.

567
00:14:57,215 --> 00:15:00,342
What went wrong?

568
00:15:00,384 --> 00:15:01,969
I remember now.

569
00:15:06,390 --> 00:15:10,102
Wow.

570
00:15:06,390 --> 00:15:10,102
Yeah.

571
00:15:10,144 --> 00:15:13,022
So, would you maybe

572
00:15:10,144 --> 00:15:13,022
want to go out again?

573
00:15:13,064 --> 00:15:15,233
Yeah, I... I would.

574
00:15:15,274 --> 00:15:17,818
Will you call me?

575
00:15:15,274 --> 00:15:17,818
Absolutely.

576
00:15:17,860 --> 00:15:19,319
Promise?

577
00:15:17,860 --> 00:15:19,319
Promise.

578
00:15:22,447 --> 00:15:25,325
I have been so busy.

579
00:15:27,411 --> 00:15:28,453
Good night, Ted.

580
00:15:38,589 --> 00:15:40,507
Hello?

581
00:15:38,589 --> 00:15:40,507
Jen, I'm sorry.

582
00:15:40,549 --> 00:15:43,052
Look, I know

583
00:15:40,549 --> 00:15:43,052
I'm seven years

584
00:15:40,549 --> 00:15:43,052
late with this call,

585
00:15:43,094 --> 00:15:45,137
but I was

586
00:15:43,094 --> 00:15:45,137
an idiot back then.

587
00:15:45,179 --> 00:15:47,014
You saw the goatee.

588
00:15:47,056 --> 00:15:48,640
The truth is,

589
00:15:47,056 --> 00:15:48,640
I had a great time tonight,

590
00:15:48,682 --> 00:15:50,893
and I'd love

591
00:15:48,682 --> 00:15:50,893
to see you again.

592
00:15:50,935 --> 00:15:53,812
Ted, there are

593
00:15:50,935 --> 00:15:53,812
two kinds of guys.

594
00:15:53,854 --> 00:15:55,814
The guys that you

595
00:15:53,854 --> 00:15:55,814
want to call you,

596
00:15:53,854 --> 00:15:55,814
who don't,

597
00:15:55,856 --> 00:15:58,943
and the guys you don't want

598
00:15:55,856 --> 00:15:58,943
to call you, who always do.

599
00:15:58,984 --> 00:16:01,361
And somehow,

600
00:15:58,984 --> 00:16:01,361
right now, you're both.

601
00:16:04,573 --> 00:16:08,160
Baby, you should

602
00:16:04,573 --> 00:16:08,160
be able to fantasize

603
00:16:04,573 --> 00:16:08,160
about another woman

604
00:16:08,202 --> 00:16:12,081
without feeling guilty,

605
00:16:08,202 --> 00:16:12,081
or, you know, killing me off.

606
00:16:12,123 --> 00:16:14,416
I wish that I could,

607
00:16:12,123 --> 00:16:14,416
but I've been doing

608
00:16:12,123 --> 00:16:14,416
this for so long,

609
00:16:14,458 --> 00:16:18,129
I'm all confused

610
00:16:14,458 --> 00:16:18,129
about death and sex.

611
00:16:18,170 --> 00:16:19,838
It's gotten to the point

612
00:16:18,170 --> 00:16:19,838
where every time I drive

613
00:16:18,170 --> 00:16:19,838
past a cemetery,

614
00:16:19,880 --> 00:16:21,132
I'm sporting a partial.

615
00:16:22,925 --> 00:16:25,510
All right, we gotta fix this.

616
00:16:25,552 --> 00:16:28,347
Okay, when Stripper Lily

617
00:16:25,552 --> 00:16:28,347
gets out here,

618
00:16:28,388 --> 00:16:30,682
you have my permission

619
00:16:28,388 --> 00:16:30,682
to fantasize about her.

620
00:16:30,724 --> 00:16:34,312
And since she's basically me,

621
00:16:30,724 --> 00:16:34,312
maybe you won't feel guilty.

622
00:16:34,353 --> 00:16:36,521
Thanks, baby.

623
00:16:34,353 --> 00:16:36,521
I'm so lucky to have you.

624
00:16:36,563 --> 00:16:37,648
And stripper you.

625
00:16:39,483 --> 00:16:40,901
Bring out Stripper Lily!

626
00:16:45,072 --> 00:16:46,740
You know,

627
00:16:45,072 --> 00:16:46,740
I don't come

628
00:16:45,072 --> 00:16:46,740
here that much.

629
00:16:46,782 --> 00:16:49,327
Hey, Barney.

630
00:16:46,782 --> 00:16:49,327
Here's the usual

631
00:16:49,368 --> 00:16:51,662
and I'll send over

632
00:16:49,368 --> 00:16:51,662
the other usual as soon

633
00:16:49,368 --> 00:16:51,662
as she's done stretching.

634
00:16:53,956 --> 00:16:56,458
Thank you,

635
00:16:53,956 --> 00:16:56,458
kindly stranger.

636
00:16:56,500 --> 00:16:58,127
Ladies and gentlemen...

637
00:16:58,169 --> 00:17:00,004
Oh! Hey, Barney.

638
00:16:58,169 --> 00:17:00,004
I didn't see you come in.

639
00:17:00,045 --> 00:17:02,464
I'll load up some

640
00:17:00,045 --> 00:17:02,464
AC/DC for you, buddy.

641
00:17:02,506 --> 00:17:04,466
Ladies and gentlemen,

642
00:17:04,508 --> 00:17:06,510
please put

643
00:17:04,508 --> 00:17:06,510
your hands together

644
00:17:04,508 --> 00:17:06,510
for Jasmine.

645
00:17:13,142 --> 00:17:15,894
I am hot!

646
00:17:13,142 --> 00:17:15,894
Yeah.

647
00:17:15,936 --> 00:17:19,231
Crawl for it, stripper me.

648
00:17:15,936 --> 00:17:19,231
This is awesome, baby.

649
00:17:19,273 --> 00:17:21,317
Can I get another $100?

650
00:17:19,273 --> 00:17:21,317
That was $100?

651
00:17:21,359 --> 00:17:22,567
Wow, she crawls fast.

652
00:17:25,445 --> 00:17:27,489
Look, Jen,

653
00:17:25,445 --> 00:17:27,489
I wish I could go back

654
00:17:27,531 --> 00:17:30,909
and talk

655
00:17:27,531 --> 00:17:30,909
some sense into 2002 Ted,

656
00:17:27,531 --> 00:17:30,909
but that guy's a lost cause.

657
00:17:31,702 --> 00:17:33,787
He's 24.

658
00:17:33,829 --> 00:17:37,082
He thinks a little

659
00:17:33,829 --> 00:17:37,082
facial hair makes him

660
00:17:33,829 --> 00:17:37,082
look like Johnny Depp.

661
00:17:37,124 --> 00:17:39,877
And he has no idea what

662
00:17:37,124 --> 00:17:39,877
a great girl he's

663
00:17:37,124 --> 00:17:39,877
missing out on.

664
00:17:39,918 --> 00:17:43,797
But I've

665
00:17:39,918 --> 00:17:43,797
learned a lot since then.

666
00:17:39,918 --> 00:17:43,797
I've learned a lot tonight.

667
00:17:43,839 --> 00:17:45,883
The only thing that

668
00:17:43,839 --> 00:17:45,883
we've learned is that

669
00:17:45,924 --> 00:17:48,344
seven years ago,

670
00:17:45,924 --> 00:17:48,344
it was a mistake

671
00:17:45,924 --> 00:17:48,344
for us to go out.

672
00:17:48,386 --> 00:17:50,512
And I guess

673
00:17:48,386 --> 00:17:50,512
it was a mistake

674
00:17:48,386 --> 00:17:50,512
for us to go out tonight.

675
00:17:50,554 --> 00:17:52,514
No, it wasn't.

676
00:17:52,556 --> 00:17:55,351
I had a great time tonight.

677
00:17:52,556 --> 00:17:55,351
And seven years ago,

678
00:17:55,393 --> 00:17:58,312
if you think about it,

679
00:17:55,393 --> 00:17:58,312
we didn't miss by

680
00:17:55,393 --> 00:17:58,312
that much.

681
00:17:58,354 --> 00:18:00,480
I mean, if

682
00:17:58,354 --> 00:18:00,480
a couple of things had

683
00:17:58,354 --> 00:18:00,480
gone a little bit differently,

684
00:18:01,690 --> 00:18:03,525
who knows what

685
00:18:01,690 --> 00:18:03,525
would have happened?

686
00:18:10,574 --> 00:18:16,038
The words are finally here

687
00:18:24,296 --> 00:18:30,552
you're the only star

688
00:18:24,296 --> 00:18:30,552
in the film I never made

689
00:18:30,594 --> 00:18:37,393
rewind it all the time

690
00:18:40,438 --> 00:18:41,521
Wow.

691
00:18:41,563 --> 00:18:42,522
Wow.

692
00:18:47,945 --> 00:18:51,490
You are the best,

693
00:18:47,945 --> 00:18:51,490
you are the best.

694
00:18:51,531 --> 00:18:54,410
My girlfriend

695
00:18:51,531 --> 00:18:54,410
is at a strip club with me

696
00:18:51,531 --> 00:18:54,410
and she couldn't care less.

697
00:18:54,452 --> 00:18:56,454
I do care, Barney.

698
00:18:56,495 --> 00:18:58,580
Look, we're

699
00:18:56,495 --> 00:18:58,580
dating now, okay?

700
00:18:56,495 --> 00:18:58,580
That changes things.

701
00:18:58,622 --> 00:19:00,874
We need to have

702
00:18:58,622 --> 00:19:00,874
a serious talk

703
00:18:58,622 --> 00:19:00,874
about this.

704
00:19:00,916 --> 00:19:02,501
Just the best.

705
00:19:02,542 --> 00:19:04,544
Hey, girlfriend trouble?

706
00:19:04,586 --> 00:19:06,630
I wish I could help,

707
00:19:04,586 --> 00:19:06,630
but my unbelievably

708
00:19:04,586 --> 00:19:06,630
cool wife

709
00:19:06,671 --> 00:19:08,215
just bought us

710
00:19:06,671 --> 00:19:08,215
a private dance

711
00:19:08,257 --> 00:19:09,467
with her

712
00:19:08,257 --> 00:19:09,467
stripper body double.

713
00:19:09,508 --> 00:19:11,427
So, if you need me,

714
00:19:09,508 --> 00:19:11,427
I'll be getting grinded

715
00:19:11,469 --> 00:19:13,471
like some pepper

716
00:19:11,469 --> 00:19:13,471
in the champagne room.

717
00:19:16,265 --> 00:19:17,557
Just the best.

718
00:19:23,272 --> 00:19:24,523
Now what?

719
00:19:24,564 --> 00:19:26,442
I just remembered

720
00:19:24,564 --> 00:19:26,442
why I didn't call you.

721
00:19:26,484 --> 00:19:28,110
Why?

722
00:19:28,152 --> 00:19:30,654
I can't believe

723
00:19:28,152 --> 00:19:30,654
I'm gonna screw this up again.

724
00:19:32,531 --> 00:19:34,533
But I like

725
00:19:32,531 --> 00:19:34,533
finding typos in menus.

726
00:19:34,574 --> 00:19:36,827
What?

727
00:19:36,868 --> 00:19:39,413
And I know my shellfish

728
00:19:36,868 --> 00:19:39,413
pun is stupid, but the

729
00:19:36,868 --> 00:19:39,413
truth is,

730
00:19:39,455 --> 00:19:41,581
I'm not

731
00:19:39,455 --> 00:19:41,581
suddenly gonna stop

732
00:19:39,455 --> 00:19:41,581
making stupid jokes.

733
00:19:42,291 --> 00:19:44,626
Now that you mention it,

734
00:19:44,668 --> 00:19:47,629
I'm never going

735
00:19:44,668 --> 00:19:47,629
to stop talking

736
00:19:44,668 --> 00:19:47,629
about my cats.

737
00:19:47,671 --> 00:19:50,174
They're funny and

738
00:19:47,671 --> 00:19:50,174
adorable and totally

739
00:19:50,215 --> 00:19:51,967
worth having to

740
00:19:50,215 --> 00:19:51,967
take six Benadryl a day.

741
00:19:54,719 --> 00:19:58,432
Shouldn't we hold

742
00:19:54,719 --> 00:19:58,432
out for the person

743
00:19:58,474 --> 00:20:00,017
who doesn't

744
00:19:58,474 --> 00:20:00,017
just tolerate

745
00:19:58,474 --> 00:20:00,017
our little quirks,

746
00:20:00,058 --> 00:20:01,601
but actually

747
00:20:00,058 --> 00:20:01,601
kind of likes them?

748
00:20:03,103 --> 00:20:05,439
Even if it means

749
00:20:03,103 --> 00:20:05,439
finding ourselves

750
00:20:05,481 --> 00:20:07,816
on another blind

751
00:20:05,481 --> 00:20:07,816
date with each other

752
00:20:05,481 --> 00:20:07,816
seven years from now?

753
00:20:07,858 --> 00:20:10,610
Oh, dear God,

754
00:20:07,858 --> 00:20:10,610
I hope that doesn't happen.

755
00:20:14,072 --> 00:20:17,617
Well, good luck

756
00:20:14,072 --> 00:20:17,617
out there, Jen.

757
00:20:19,036 --> 00:20:20,620
You, too, Ted.

758
00:20:23,081 --> 00:20:24,833
You'll find

759
00:20:23,081 --> 00:20:24,833
your shellfish lady.

760
00:20:29,129 --> 00:20:31,756
And kids,

761
00:20:29,129 --> 00:20:31,756
when I told your mother

762
00:20:29,129 --> 00:20:31,756
that shellfish joke,

763
00:20:31,798 --> 00:20:33,675
she did laugh.

764
00:20:33,717 --> 00:20:35,635
And I swear, it was

765
00:20:33,717 --> 00:20:35,635
only, like, 30% pity.

766
00:20:45,020 --> 00:20:49,358
Hey, Lil. Looks like Jasmine's

767
00:20:45,020 --> 00:20:49,358
having a hard time getting

768
00:20:45,020 --> 00:20:49,358
out of those boots.

769
00:20:49,400 --> 00:20:50,901
What did you say, buddy?

770
00:20:52,736 --> 00:20:53,820
Lily?

771
00:20:53,862 --> 00:20:55,697
Who?

772
00:20:55,739 --> 00:20:59,410
Oh, yes,

773
00:20:55,739 --> 00:20:59,410
I am this Lily.

774
00:20:59,451 --> 00:21:02,037
We married long time.

775
00:21:02,079 --> 00:21:03,705
May I have

776
00:21:02,079 --> 00:21:03,705
monies for shopping?

777
00:21:06,333 --> 00:21:07,667
Lily!

778
00:21:34,319 --> 00:21:34,903
ENGLISH - US - LINE 21