It was the fall of 2009
and I was a professor now.
So, I decided to change
my look a little bit.
And people were noticing.
Ah, tweed.
Textile of the eunuch.
You know, I've always wondered
why those tweed jackets have
elbow patches.
Because the people
who wear them are
constantly going,
"Aw, geez,
why can't I get laid?"
You are wrong.
The ladies dig
the professor look.
You know,
there is something to that.
I remember thinking my tenth
grade math teacher was
very sexy.
I wonder if Harold's
still in jail.
What? Tax evasion.
Among other things.
So, guys, Marshall and I
wanted to invite you to
our place
for a little
couples' night.
Sure. Why not?
For years,
Marshall and Lily had been
the only married couple in
a group full of single people.
It got lonely.
So, they were always
searching for another
couple to double-date.
There was only one problem.
Welcome.
Gouda?
They sucked at it.
This is great.
We're having fun.
You're having fun, right?
So, should we just go ahead
and lock the four of us in
for New Year's?
Um, it's April.
Right. Sorry.
We're getting
ahead of ourselves.
Let's talk Thanksgiving.
Our parents
really want to meet you!
Well, we should
probably be going.
Wait. No, wait, if you leave
now, Colonel Mustard just
gets away with it.
It's getting pretty late.
We're going to go.
There's still pie.
Tonight was fantastic.
We should do it again.
I'm sorry, Marshall,
but Falguni and I are just
not that into you. And you.
But just when Lily
and Marshall were about to
give up,
two of their best friends
in the world got together.
And hope returned
to their hearts.
So, when Lily said...
Marshall and I wanted
to invite you to our place
for a little couples' night.
Sure, why not?
Barney and Robin
had no idea what they were
about to walk into.
Okay. Game time.
Let's review
the flow of the room.
Barney and
Robin enter here.
Stop here for margaritas.
That's a great
conversation starter.
We can tell them
about our trip to Cabo.
Great, 'cause I got
that story about
Sammy Hagar
and the
Belgian waffle
locked and loaded.
Then we'll move on
to the hot apps station.
And, depending on
how things are going,
some lively
pre-dinner charades.
Right, but we'll
play that one by...
Sounds like?
Okay, you can
be Robin's partner.
Baby, we can do this.
Welcome.
Gouda?
Meanwhile,
my half-baked theory that
ladies dig the professor look
was actually
proving to be true.
So, is it hard
to grade papers?
No, you just
got to make it fun.
For example, every time I spot
a grammatical error,
I do a shot.
I'm trashed right now,
and I blame our
public school system.
Sometimes things just seem
to magically fall into place.
So, you said you
live right upstairs?
Whether it's in
the dating world...
Take care. Bye.
Bye!
or the double-dating world.
Nailed it!
Best night ever!
Worst night ever.
Hey, how was
the big couples' night
with Marshall and Lily?
Brutal.
Really? How?
It was like we were on a date
with a sad, chubby girl our
mom made us call.
Yeah, and they
were so nervous,
that they
weren't even making
sense half the time.
Hey.
Come on in.
Would you like a margarita?
In Cabo,
I saw Sammy Hagar
eating a Belgian waffle!
And they kept shoving
platters of food in
our faces.
Let me guess. Did Marshall
get, like, super intense
about the cheese?
Yeah,
how'd you know?
Poor Marshall.
Lily's this gourmet cook,
and all she lets Marshall do
is pick out one
sad block of cheese.
That's
prosciutto-wrapped melon.
You guys
are going to want to
get in on this gouda.
That's seared scallops
with a mango chutney.
Seriously, don't sleep
on the gouda.
And that's
lobster ravioli in
a black truffle oil.
Tick-tock goes
the gouda clock.
We didn't realize
there was gonna
be dinner.
We sucked down
a couple of tacos
outside the subway.
P.S., not sitting great.
And if anything didn't go
according to plan, they
would freak out.
What do you mean,
the egg timer
is broken?
What are we going to
use for charades, sweetie?
I'm working on it, darling.
Okay? Just stall them.
Now, Robin.
You work in television.
We're experiencing some
technical difficulties.
You get that?
So, we're still laughing.
Right? Laugh, Marshall.
Come on,
they just got excited.
They've been looking for
couple best friends forever.
Plus, I'm sure
they weren't that bad.
Show him.
This is a web site Marshall
already made about last night.
It's called
itwasthebestnightever.com.
best night ever
like April showers
Oh, that's no good.
Then we played charades
we're best couple friends
left to say...
Are you free?
That's the 17th.
Friday or Sunday
would also work.
Or basically any other day.
Needless to say,
we've both changed
our e-mail addresses.
I don't understand.
If last night went
so horribly,
why do Lily and Marshall
think it was such a hit?
I mean,
we knew we were
gonna have fun tonight,
but we had
no idea how much.
Yeah, tough luck, every
Saturday night I've
ever had,
'cause this one just
blew you out of the water.
Let's do it again, soon.
Yeah, we'll call you.
They're your friends!
Why would
you just blatantly
lie to them like that?
Well, that's what you say
at the end of a crappy date.
Hey, Ted.
Great time last night.
Let's do it again, soon.
I'll call you.
Right?
Who was that?
I don't want to brag,
but it seems
chicks are really digging
the whole professor thing.
Last night, she picked me
up at the bar. And then...
Well, she actually wound up
falling asleep on the couch.
But, hey, that happens.
Uh, no, it doesn't.
Sure, it does.
You know, she was...
She was
just exhausted
from being turned on.
But you heard her.
She wants to do
it again, soon.
Ted, let me
ask you a question.
Where does this
girl live, exactly?
Westchester. Why?
You're the
Sexless Innkeeper.
Oh, my God!
You're right!
He's totally
the Sexless Innkeeper!
What the hell is
the Sexless Innkeeper?
Ted, many a man...
Nay, many a soul
has their own tale
of the Sexless Innkeeper.
Why, I had a run-in
with one just last year.
I even composed
a poem about it.
Would you care to hear it?
Not really.
'Twas the night
before New Year's,
and the weather grew mean.
It was 3:00 in the morning,
and I was stranded in Queens.
The tavern grew empty.
The gaslights grew dim.
The horse-drawn carriages
were all but snowed in...
Wait. If this was last year,
why are you acting like it
was Oliver Twist?
Ted, it's a poem.
Last call was approaching,
and my fortunes looked bleak.
Then I turned to my left
and stifled a shriek.
She had a peach fuzz beard
and weighed 16 stone.
She gobbled up hot wings
and swallowed the bones.
I muffled a scream
and threw up in my mouth.
I asked, "Where do you live?"
And she said,
"One block south."
I swallowed my pride
and six shots of whiskey.
And prayed to the Gods
that she wasn't too frisky.
Back in her cave,
she prepared us
a snack.
'Neath her mighty hooves,
the floorboards did crack.
But when she returned,
she found a sound sleeper.
And thus she became
the Sexless Innkeeper.
And so are you.
Wait, you're saying that girl
just used me for a place
to crash?
Ted, you mentioned that
you live right upstairs.
She saw
the tweed jacket,
which basically says
you're not interested in,
nor probably even capable
of having sex.
And she thought,
"Hey, free lodging."
No way. I'm not
the Sexless Innkeeper.
Ted, that girl had
no intention of ever
hooking up with you.
Which is funny, because
usually it's the innkeeper
who offers turndown service.
Ha!
Hey, guys. Good news.
First of all, you can ignore
all the e-mails and texts
we've sent you.
We have. Go on.
Because we went
ahead and booked
that couples' weekend
for all of us in Vermont!
Wait, you guys were
serious about that?
We never joke about B&B's,
especially at the height
of syrup season.
Saturday, we've got
apple-picking,
antiquing,
then a haunted hay ride.
And then, on Sunday,
we're up at 6:00 a.m.
for the fall foliage hike.
Now, you better
pack your long johns,
'cause it is cold up there.
Look! I'm sorry that
we have been dodging
your calls,
but we respect you
guys too much as friends to
give you some song and dance.
You deserve the truth.
The US Navy has found
intelligent alien life
at the bottom of the ocean.
For reasons
I can't explain,
Robin and I
have been tapped to
lead the expedition.
Wow, Barney.
That kind of sounds like
the stuff you say to girls
when you're too much
of a coward to dump them.
Yeah. You know, that's
exactly what it sounds like.
But if that's true,
that's awesome.
What's going on?
Look, all this coupley stuff,
it's just not us.
Barney and I are barely
equipped to date each other,
let alone you guys.
Plus, the alien thing.
Come on, Marshall.
Let's go.
Yeah. Let's go.
You know what, Lily...
No, you know what...
No. You know what?
I hope those underwater
aliens are cold-blooded.
'Cause then you guys
will get along just fine.
I think they bought it.
I can't believe
they broke up with us.
We're so lovable.
No, we're not.
We're ugly and gross.
I thought we did
everything right.
I know!
I know.
We had the gouda.
We had my waffle story.
I even sent them
an awesome photo montage...
Nothing.
Oh, dear God.
Marshall, we've been
over and over this.
You have to stop
sending those to people.
It was true.
Marshall had
become addicted
to creating songs
and photo
montages documenting
various mundane events.
So, for months,
all of Marshall's friends
and professional colleagues
were getting
e-mails like this.
pork sauce got away
We'll miss you, Whiskers.
I can't believe you
sent them one of those.
They think
we're insane now.
If I recall,
they didn't dump us
until you brought
up that Vermont trip.
It was way too early.
First, a boat
ride around the city,
then a trip to Vermont.
It's a rookie mistake,
and you're better than that.
What about you forgetting
to check the egg timer
for charades?
I gave you one thing to
do, Marshall. One thing.
One thing?
Wow. Really?
So, I guess that gouda
just walked itself
right through the door,
sliced itself up,
and arranged itself
in a perfect semi-circle
around not three, not four,
but five different kinds of
sturdy, cheese-bearing
crackers?
You're a sturdy,
cheese-bearing cracker!
Guys, Lily and Marshall
haven't been to the bar
all week.
They're taking
this really hard.
Ted, I could listen to
this guilt trip all day,
but don't you have to
get back up to the inn?
I mean,
who's working
the front desk?
Seriously,
they're your friends.
You got to go apologize.
To your point,
Ted, as an innkeeper,
do you do that cheapy thing
where you only change the
linens upon request?
I mean, how much water
is that actually saving?
Robin, you know I'm right.
Ignoring a problem
doesn't make it
go away.
Usually, it just makes
it bigger.
You're right.
Thank you.
All that
sexlessness
has made you wise.
For God's sake!
Mint on the pillow, Ted!
And don't charge for Wi-Fi.
It seems greedy!
Yes.
But, eventually,
even Barney and Robin had
to admit
they owed Lily and
Marshall an apology.
Hey. We wanted
to say we're sorry.
Oh, I wish
you had called.
I swear, he was right there,
just eating a Belgian waffle!
Well, he can't
have enjoyed it as much
as I'm enjoying this gouda!
Oh!
Well, listen,
now's not a good time.
But we'll call you.
Wait, wait...
Look, we just want...
Hey! Hey, guys.
Hey, hey, hey!
Long time no see.
Have a seat.
Hi.
Oh, we can't.
We're here with Py and Shea.
Yeah, so...
It's just...
We haven't seen
you guys all week.
Hey, maybe all six
of us could hang out.
Yeah.
It might be weird.
We're kind of on
a double date.
Yeah.
Wouldn't want
you to feel like
a fifth and sixth wheel.
Who the hell
are these people?
They just moved
here from Hawaii.
Py is a total
foodie and Shea, well...
Mmm!
She's... Shea...
Shea.
Shea is just...
Anyhoo, we can't stay long.
We're just
gonna grab a quick beer
and then take these kooks
for a boat ride
around the city.
Wow, it sounds like
this is getting
pretty serious.
Well, we don't
want to jinx it,
but we kind of think
they might be the two.
Who needs them?
Not us.
all the friends we've known
dial the telephone
Hi. Two for dinner.
Just the two of you?
Hey, why don't we
call that weird couple
down the hall from you?
You know, with the ferrets?
Maybe they want to
come over and play Taboo.
After midnight? No way.
We can't Tabooty-call them,
it's pathetic.
Hey, guys.
Barney, are you wearing
sweat pants?
Maybe. But they're Armani.
Okay, guys,
I've got some
bad news for you.
So, I'm just going to
come out and say it.
You're a couple.
And no matter how
hard you try to fight it,
couples need other couples.
That's why you
miss Marshall and Lily.
And can't you
just admit that?
Oh, yeah!
That was amazing, Lily!
Yeah.
I know! When I got
that left-hand-yellow,
I was like, "What?"
You guys are the best.
Right back at you!
Ding.
For charades.
How do
we know you two
won't hurt us again?
You don't.
You know what?
We have two very nice
people up in that apartment
who are perfect for us.
Then what are you doing,
standing out in the rain
with us?
Damn it.
Why is there
something so attractive
about a bad boy and girl?
I think we can change them.
Come here, you two.
We'll never sleep
on the gouda again.
Hey, Barney. I got
a little poem for you.
You want to hear it?
Not really.
'Twas the night
before this one,
I had hours to kill.
I sat in the tavern,
grading parchments
with quill.
With quill?
Barney. It's a poem.
A busty, young
lassie flashed me a grin.
Her garb said classy,
but her eyes whispered sin.
She said,
"You're a teacher?"
I said, "Yes, indeed."
"I must have you,"
she moaned.
"I'm turned on by tweed."
With haste
we did scamper
to my chamber anon.
We fell to the couch,
and, bro, it was on.
I unlaced her bodice.
Our passions grew deeper.
And thus ends the tale
of the Sexless Innkeeper.
No way. You made that up.
Are you coming back
to bed, Professor?
God, I love being single.
Barney, you
ready for brunch
with Lily and Marshall?
What have I done?
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