Kids, as you know,
Aunt Robin grew up in Canada.
That meant sometimes
she dressed
a little differently.
Okay, let's do this!
Sometimes she talked
a little differently.
Ted,
this hydro bill is bigger
than Louis Cyr's biceps.
What, you leave
the garburator
on all night, eh?
She hung out at
different bars
and enjoyed leisure time
a little differently.
You want to go?
Come on!
Make fun of
the Great White North
all you want,
it's the best country
in the world.
Mmm-hmm.
Social experiment.
U-S-A, U-S-A,
U-S-A, U-S-A.
Okay, okay.
You know, what does
that even prove, okay?
You chant anything,
people will join in.
Canada, Canada...
Okay, they won't
chant anything.
Shrimp fried rice,
shrimp fried rice,
shrimp fried rice.
Shrimp fried rice,
shrimp fried rice...
Shrimp fried rice,
totally.
Anyway, speaking of food,
Marshall, I've got
some bad news.
Just read online,
Gazzola's is closing.
No!
What's Gazzola's?
A filthy mecca
of spectacular
if undercooked pizza
located at
316 Kinzie Street,
Chicago, Illinois.
Back in college,
Ted and I used to take
these crazy road trips
from Connecticut
all the way to Chicago
just for a Gazzola's pizza.
Twenty-two hours. No map.
We'd just jump in
the Fiero and drive.
We were like
Lewis and Clark,
if Lewis and Clark peed
in empty soda bottles
and had a bong
made out of
a cantaloupe.
Man, those Gazzola's trips,
that's when we really
became bros.
We ate nothing
but jerky.
Drank nothing
but Tantrum.
Ah, Tantrum.
Tantrum was a soft drink with
the highest caffeine content
legally available
over the counter.
It was eventually discontinued
after an extensive study
by the FDA.
Oh, man, we went
through a whole case
of Tantrum one trip.
I was color-blind for
two weeks after that.
I think that's the reason
that I pass out
when I hear church bells.
It's probably a good thing
they're closing Gazzola's.
Those trips were
brutal, right?
The long hours in the car,
the motion sickness,
the smell...
So, what time are we leaving
for Gazzola's tomorrow?
I was thinking
9:00, 9:30.
Hmm.
I am ready
to hit the road.
I got baby wipes.
I got a variety of jerky.
I got six cans of Tantrum.
Well, four. One burned
through the can, the other
one I drank already.
Tantrum!
I am so psyched!
Marshall and I haven't
done something
just the two of us
for so long.
Ever since he got married,
he's turned from an
"I" to a "we."
What do you mean?
Think about it.
Hey, haven't
seen you all week.
How you doing?
We're doing great.
Did you watch
the Jets game?
We most certainly did.
How'd things go
at the doctor?
We no longer have
a hemorrhoid problem.
Hmm.
You guys will not
believe this.
I've been talking to
my lawyer all morning.
You know that guy I had
a slight disagreement with
at the Hoser Hut?
He's filing assault charges.
Come on!
I broke his nose
with a chair.
And now, apparently,
I might end up
getting deported.
Oh, my God, that sucks!
Yeah.
I'm gonna go do push-ups
in the kitchen.
Tantrum!
Well, there's only
one possible way to
avoid getting deported.
My lawyer said
I can become
an American citizen.
Perfect. Problem solved.
Welcome aboard.
Well, it's not that simple.
I'm a Canadian.
I was born there.
My family's there.
It's who I am.
I know,
and it's provided us
with a lot of laughs.
But, Robin, if you want to
live here, work here,
and throw chairs
at people here,
you have to do this.
Well, there's a citizenship
test tomorrow.
I'll think about it.
No, no,
you have to do it.
I'll help you study.
We're gonna stay up
all night long.
I'm gonna drill you,
and then we're gonna study.
No, seriously.
We're gonna do
some cramming
and then we're
gonna study.
No, seriously.
We're gonna bone up on...
Okay, Barney.
Sorry.
It's a rich area.
It is.
But, you know,
it's not going to
be easy, this test.
It's not like the Canadian
citizenship test.
How do you know
the Canadian test is easy?
It's Canada.
Question one.
Do you want to
be Canadian?
Question two. Really?
Ted! Ted!
Check it out!
I got black coffee
on the left,
I got Tantrum on the right!
Do you have a phone book?
Yes, I do!
I don't know why they make
phone books anymore.
Everything's online,
right?
Tantrum!
All right,
let's hit the road.
You invited Lily?
We most certainly did!
I don't know
if you caught that,
but he did the "we" thing.
Yeah, I heard him.
Okay.
Road trip!
So, you guys want to
talk about bitches?
I'm kidding.
They're called women.
All right,
next stop, Chicago.
I have to pee.
What...
Couldn't you have gone
before we left?
I did.
I just pee a lot.
You'll see.
Don't worry,
we'll get out on the road,
it'll be just like old times.
It wasn't.
Sugar snap pea?
Pea, that reminds me.
I have to pee.
Okay, straight,
straight, straight.
Now, wait,
a little to the left.
We'll pass
a state trooper!
Punch buggy yellow!
Yellow, that reminds me.
I have to pee.
Thank you!
Great.
Hey, Ted...
You can't have
to go again.
It's not
humanly possible.
No, I was just going to say
maybe we should listen
to something.
That's a great idea.
I think I have
some Jerky Boys.
Goodbye, Sparky.
It's an audio book
about a boy and his dog.
It made
Elisabeth Hasselbeck cry.
Goodbye Sparky,
by Nick Leotti.
Read to you by Kenny Rogers.
Oh.
Chapter One.
When I first saw Sparky,
he reminded me
of my favorite comb.
He was missing a lot of teeth,
but I loved him anyway.
Mother was fit to be tied
every time he used
her prized rhododendron
to do his business.
That reminds me,
I have to pee.
"How many stars
are on the flag?"
Fifty. One for each state.
"What are the first
10 amendments to
the Constitution called?"
The Bill of Rights.
Look, Barney,
I know all this. I'm ready.
Ready for the test maybe,
but ready to be an American?
Not on your sweet life.
For you to be an American,
we got to get
the Canadian out of you.
That's why
I've created these questions.
Question one. Who is this?
Queen Elizabeth II.
No, the answer
is Elton John.
Question two.
What the hell is this?
Oh, Curling.
It's a sport played...
Wrong.
The answer
we were looking for was,
"I don't care, it's dumb.
"Let's go buy something
that's bad for us
"and then sue the people
who made it."
That's American, Robin.
because Sparky
loved chasing a ball,
and it didn't much
matter what kind.
Tennis ball, baseball,
wiffle ball,
golf ball,
basketball, beach ball,
gum ball, a grapefruit,
which isn't actually a ball,
but it's round like a ball,
a football,
which isn't round,
but it's still
technically a ball,
Indian rubber ball...
This ends disc seven.
The audio book continues
on disc eight.
Disc eight.
Lacrosse ball, volleyball...
Oh, my God, Lily,
please tell me
you have to go pee!
Yeah, I do.
It was the worst trip ever,
but then it got worse.
Well, don't worry,
the next exit's the hotel.
We can go there.
Hotel?
Crumpet Manor is listed in
the American registry of
historic bed and breakfasts.
Our doors opened on
Christmas day, 1881.
And we have catered
to couples ever since.
Well, I mean,
single people can have
fun here, too, right?
Oh, I suppose I could arrange
a little recreation.
Do you enjoy
sitting on a bench?
And by the end of the night,
Barney had turned Robin
into a real American.
I want to say...
Jefferson?
Correct.
Archie Bunker's neighbor
was George Jefferson.
I am nailing this.
God, I'm buzzing on
America right now!
All right,
hold your horses.
Now to prove that
you are as American
as apple pie,
and the childhood obesity
it leads to, who is this?
That, Barney,
is the American actor,
beloved by millions,
the "Hey, Vern" guy from
the popular series
of Ernest films.
And his name,
Jeff Foxworthy.
Thank you.
Jeff...
No, it's Jim Varney.
You're kidding me.
You don't know that?
That's Jeff Foxworthy,
dumb-ass.
End of story.
Now, shut your stupid face.
Not only are you wrong,
but you are belligerently
sticking to your guns,
and insulting me
in the process.
Robin Scherbatsky,
you are an American.
Look who's back
from the wishing well.
It didn't work,
I'm still here.
Marshall, what are we doing?
We should be on the road.
Look, Ted,
we're not in college
anymore, okay?
We don't have to
drive all night.
Yeah, and besides,
they have a spa.
What kind of treatments
do you offer?
All of our spa treatments
are designed for couples.
Would you be interested
in the two-person,
cornmeal body scrub?
And then finally
it happened.
Marshall and Lily globbed
into one big married glob.
We'd love
a cornmeal body scrub!
Whoa!
I got to dial back
on the Tantrum.
Oh, yeah, I'm gonna
be an American, y'all.
Maybe I'll rob a liquor store.
Maybe I won't. My choice.
Learn English!
The Hoser Hut.
I can duck in for a drink.
No, no,
that life's behind me.
Forget it.
Well, I could go in
for just one beer.
What's the harm in that?
It's a free country.
Oh, God,
I miss it.
Hey, man. Sorry about
what I said before.
You want to go to the store
and get some beer?
Lily is asleep.
I suppose I could
reschedule my pedicure.
What the hell?
But only light beer
because we have
a couples' hike
in the morning.
Dude, why are we pulling
onto the highway?
Ted, where exactly
are we going to
get this beer?
Chicago.
What are you doing?
We can't just leave Lily.
When she wakes up,
she's going to freak!
She'll have a back rub
and a crumpet.
She'll be fine.
Relax. Have some fun.
I just abandoned my wife.
How am I supposed to have fun?
Hey, you really think
Lily's pissed?
If she's pissed,
she's pissed.
When Barney finally
tracked down your Aunt Robin,
it wasn't a pretty sight.
Good morning.
Barney?
Oh, my God.
What happened last night?
You went Canadian.
How Canadian?
This Canadian.
Oh, that was supposed
to be a dramatic view
of the Toronto...
You're in Toronto.
Oh, God.
Okay. It's coming back to me.
I went into the Hoser Hut
and I met this
women's curling team.
We started drinking.
And the next thing I know,
they're inviting me
to a Bryan Adams/Rich Little
double bill in Toronto.
But how did you
find me, anyway?
You called me,
said you were
never coming back.
So, I jumped on a plane,
flew across the Atlantic...
Canada isn't across
the Atlantic.
You're talking nonsense.
Now, listen.
You slipped up.
It's fine.
The test is in
a few hours...
Barney, I'm not
taking the test.
God, you're still drunk.
Look,
I appreciate your help,
but who am I kidding?
I'm Canadian.
I always will be.
Now, that's ridiculous.
We're gonna get some coffee
in you, we'll sober you up,
and get you
back to New York
for that test.
But, before any of that,
we're gonna do it on this bed
'cause, hotel room.
Okay, let's get
some coffee.
A little rubbery.
Room temperature.
Kind of gross.
Making me wonder
if this pizza
is worth the 22-hour drive.
Just like old times!
I feel so young again
except for the chest pains.
But this crust is so good.
What is the secret
to this crust?
It's no big secret.
It's made of cornmeal.
Cornmeal.
We'd love
a cornmeal body scrub!
I can't believe
you guys are closing.
I can't believe
we're still open.
Gotcha!
These are getting bigger.
It's like
an entire country
without a tailor.
Yeah, give me
two coffees.
$3.50, please.
Hey, what did you think
of the game last night?
What game?
The Leafs beat Edmonton.
Beauchemin went
five-hole in OT.
I guess I missed it.
Oh, sorry.
You're American.
Here's your change.
I'm not American.
American money?
Didn't watch
the Leafs game?
No "please" or "thank you"
for the coffee?
You sure don't seem
like a Canadian.
What's wrong?
Other than the fact
that this five-dollar bill
they gave you is blue.
I'm not American,
and, apparently,
I'm not Canadian, either.
And there's kids
playing hockey
on the back.
It's like you want us
to make fun of you.
I don't want this anymore.
Dude, don't look at it.
That's a rookie mistake.
We shouldn't have left Lily.
Well, if you're so worried,
why don't you
give her a call?
I have. I left her,
like, 20 messages.
I said, "I'm sorry.
Please forgive me.
It's all Ted's fault!"
What exactly is
"Ted's fault"?
This! This whole thing!
We were having
a perfectly nice trip,
and then you kidnapped me.
You didn't even let me
put on underwear!
We never used to
put on underwear!
That was the fun
of a bros' trip
to Gazzola's!
We left everything
and everyone behind.
It was just you and me!
But now it's like
you've disappeared
into Lily.
That is not true.
It is true.
You're not upset because
you're worried she's mad.
You're upset
because you'd rather be
with her, eating muffins
than here with me,
eating this delicious...
I think one of my mushrooms
just crawled away.
You know what?
That mushroom's not the
only thing that's leaving.
Car keys, please.
Look at this money!
This one has a moose,
this one has a beaver,
and they all have
Elton John on the back.
When I moved
to the States,
I swore to myself,
I wasn't going to change.
And yet, here I am,
in the most Canadian place
in the universe,
Tim Hortons,
around the corner from
the Hockey Hall of Fame,
and I don't belong.
It's like I don't
have a country.
Okay, that's it.
Attention, Canada!
I am Barney from America.
And I'm here to fix
your backward-ass country.
Number one.
Get real money.
Don't know what board game
this came from,
but it's a joke.
Number two,
and this is the biggie,
quit letting awesome chicks
like Robin Scherbatsky
get away
because, guess what?
You don't want her?
I'm planting my flag in her,
if you know what I mean,
which you probably don't,
and getting her
the hell out of here.
You may now return
to being pointless.
Oh, this coffee
is excellent.
Oh, hey, fellas.
It's called a tie.
Sparky was my best friend,
but after I married Helen,
old Spark started to
feel a little left out.
For so long,
it had been just me and him,
but now he suddenly felt like
Helen had taken his place.
What Sparky
didn't realize was,
even though I loved Helen,
I still loved him, too.
I had room in my heart
for both of them.
But maybe I should
have put aside
some special ball-tossing time
just for the two of us
to make sure Sparky knew
that he was a good boy.
I wish now I had,
'cause old Sparky ran out
in front of a Cadillac
and got splattered
like a watermelon
in one of them
Gallagher shows.
I'm sorry, Ted!
I'm sorry! No, I'm sorry.
I never should have
been mad at you!
No, I never should
have brought Lily.
She pees all the time,
even at the apartment.
Still bros?
Best bros.
Hey, you want to
crank some Van Halen
just like old times?
Hells, yeah!
Or listen to
the Sparky book again?
Listen to
the Sparky book again.
Okay.
Let's listen to it again.
Man, those Canadian doctors
bandaged me up,
reset my jaw,
put my shoulder
back in its socket,
and they didn't even
bill me. Idiots.
All right, I guess
they're not idiots.
The coffee
was extraordinary.
I guess Canada's
not so bad.
They play their cards right,
maybe they can even
become a state someday.
Barney,
I've thought about this.
When you stood up
and told off those
people, I thought,
"Yeah, America's cool."
Hmm.
And then when those guys
pounded the stuffing
out of you,
I thought, "Yeah,
Canada's pretty cool, too."
In fact,
after you passed out,
I may have taken
a few pokes myself.
So, I've decided,
dual citizenship.
I'm going to be
American and Canadian.
Wait, you can do that?
Yeah, dummy.
Instead of being
a woman with no country,
I'm going to be
a woman with two.
I see.
You understand?
No, I can see out
of my left eye again.
Hey, baby? Baby?
Mmm-hmm? Yeah?
I'm so sorry
that we left you.
Did you go somewhere,
sweetie?
Yes, kids, it turns out
Crumpet Manor
had pampered Lily
into a nearly comatose state
of relaxation.
She didn't even notice
we were gone.
Oh!
Oh, yeah...
So, I had
a great time, too.
That's good.
And I'm so sorry you
didn't get any pizza.
That's okay.
And if she
didn't mean it then,
she certainly meant it
19 minutes later.
God, my stomach!
Damn you, Gazzola's!
It's like a hot ball
of lead!
Baby, cut it out of me.
Cut it out!
That was a wild trip,
huh, Ted?
I know.
It was kind of crazy.
But how great is it
to drink some
Tantrum again?
You know who
had fun, was Lily.
Lily drank like,
four cans of the stuff.
Right, Lil?
Where's Lily?
Tantrum! I have to pee.
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