In the fall of 2009,
a new couple had
moved in upstairs.
We hadn't met them yet,
but we could hear them
all the time.
They were always...
Well, kids, let's just say
they were always
playing the bagpipes.
Okay, this is
ridiculous.
I can't believe those two
are still bagpiping.
I know.
It's been six hours.
Must be that
Tantric bagpiping
that Sting is into.
She keeps yelling out for him
to play the bagpipes harder,
but it sounds like
he's bagpiping her
pretty hard.
There's a glass of water
in my bedroom
that's vibrating
like Jurassic Park.
You have neighbors!
Shut the bagpipes up!
I decided to go to the bar
for some peace and quiet.
That didn't work out so well.
Ted, I hate
to have to be the one
to tell you this.
Marshall and Lily
are getting a divorce.
No, they're not.
Just listen to what
I witnessed yesterday.
Baby, you mind
washing that?
No problem.
I should go.
She makes him
wash his dishes
right away, Ted.
I give them two,
maybe three weeks, tops.
Barney,
that's not a big deal.
And it's certainly not
a big enough deal for you
to be holding my hands.
They're in big trouble, Ted.
I see what's going on.
You, my friend,
are suffering from
a little-known condition,
"little-known" because
I just made it up,
called New Relationship
Smugness.
You and Robin are in
the honeymoon phase.
Everything's perfect.
Every song
on the radio's about you.
Every other couple sucks.
Enjoy it.
NRS doesn't last forever.
It does when
you're this awesome.
Hey, check it out.
Robin and I have
been keeping a tally
of how many beds
we've done it in.
We're up to
83 and a half.
A half?
Nineteenth century ottoman
in an antique shop.
Hey.
Hey, what's up?
Hey, tiger.
How you holding up?
Do you need a hug?
You want to talk
about yesterday?
Safe space.
Barney thinks Lily
asking you to wash
your dishes right away
is a sign
your marriage
is crumbling.
What? Why?
Lily likes a clean sink,
so I do the dishes right away,
what's the big deal?
I'll tell you
what the big deal is.
You know how
I was always the best
at being single?
No.
Well, now I am the best
at relationships.
Even better
than you and Lily.
Aw. Look at you.
Had a girlfriend
for five minutes,
you think you can play
with the big boys,
adorable.
Son, I've been
in a relationship
since you had a ponytail
and were playing
Dave Matthews
on your mama's Casio.
I'm a good boyfriend
in my sleep.
I can rock a killer
foot rub with one hand
and brew a kick-ass
pot of chamomile
in the other
that would make
you weep.
Hell, I've forgotten
more about microwaving
fat-free popcorn
and watching
Sandra Bullock movies
than you'll ever know,
but thanks for
your concern, rook.
Marshall, let me
ask you one question.
Sure.
Do you mind
if there is a sink
full of dirty dishes?
Not really.
Then it's Lily's problem,
not yours.
Yeah, but if
I said that to her,
it would only lead
to a fight, so...
Oh! You fight. See,
Robin and I never fight.
Of course you do.
No. And here's
the secret.
Every time it looks like
we're about to get
into a fight...
Why is there a bag of panties
labeled "April 2008"
in your closet?
So any time you think
you might have a fight,
you just get up and leave?
100% effective.
Can't fight if
you're not there.
That's what
Gandhi taught us.
Boy, that's not true.
I can't believe
that Robin puts up
with that.
Don't worry.
She's got a great way
to avoid fights, too.
Um, are ties
machine-washable?
No, they most certainly
are not. Why?
What is in your hand?
Oh, my God,
what is in your hand?
Okay, so you walk away,
Robin gets naked.
Those are the two
stupidest ways to handle
conflict I've ever heard.
Actually,
the naked thing
ain't bad.
That felt kind of weird.
Okay, call me crazy.
Crazy.
But when a problem comes up,
Lily and I actually
talk about it.
There are so many
great things to do
with the human mouth.
Why waste it on talking?
But if you insist,
here's what I would say
about the dishes,
if I were Lily's husband.
Barney, you're home!
Dude.
Get to the point!
All right.
Thanks, doll.
Ah!
Sweetie, are you
going to wash that?
I'm glad you bring that up.
No. And here's why.
Lily, I know you
don't like a dirty sink,
but does that make it my job
to keep it clean?
I mean, if one day
I look up at
the living room ceiling
and think, "Hey,
I'd like a replica of the
Sistine Chapel up there."
Would it be your
job to paint it?
Well, no.
Of course not.
Exactly! So, baby,
by the same logic,
if you don't like
looking at a sink
full of dishes,
shouldn't it be
your job to clean them?
Wow.
Thanks for explaining that.
I get so confused.
That's because
you're a woman.
I don't even know
why we're laughing!
Of course you don't.
You're kidding me
with this.
Hang on, Ted.
Let's hear the man out.
Once I have her attention,
it's time to bring out
the big guns.
Look, I love you.
But, baby,
with the little energy
I have left after work,
I want to
shower you with love,
not wash some silly dishes.
You're right.
I'll do the dishes.
Right after I do this.
Oh.
Oh, yeah.
Now turn around.
Firm. Oh, yeah.
Are you going to
hit him or should I?
He's right.
No, he's not.
Marshall, look at me.
Do not get drawn
into Barney Stinson's
circus tent
of funhouse mirrors
and flawed logic.
This is exactly how you got
the earring back in '03.
Hey, that earring
looked cool.
It did look cool,
didn't it?
Marshall, stay with me!
Barney is wrong.
No, he isn't.
I hate doing
my dishes right away.
You just said
you don't mind!
I hate it, Ted!
I hate it
with a boundless,
burning fury.
I hate it.
I hate it, I hate it!
You're welcome.
Hey, guys.
Hey.
Oh! Good. There you are.
You'll tell me the truth.
Barney says that
you two never fight.
Oh! I guess
that's true.
Told you.
No way.
I love you both,
but you are
the two most emotionally
ill-equipped individuals
in the history
of relationships.
You two must have had
at least one fight.
You know what?
We did.
Aha!
Mmm-hmm.
There was one
small dispute
about which one of us
was more awesome.
We just called it
a tie and had sex.
Speaking of which,
I am so glad
we're going
skiing this weekend.
I need a break.
The upstairs neighbors
are driving me crazy.
Yeah, it's bad.
I'm gonna say
something to them.
Thank you.
Great.
Okay, we all
have our assignments
for the weekend.
Ted, you're going
to stand up
to your neighbors.
Marshall,
you're going to
stand up to Lily.
And Robin, I'm gonna need you
in sort of a crouched position
on the bear-skin rug
at our ski chalet.
Ready? Break!
Bye, guys.
Bye. Have fun.
Barney, you know,
with his crazy,
well-thought-out theories
that probably would work.
Marshall, I'm just gonna
say this one more time.
It's a bad idea.
I think it could work.
Okay, two more times.
It's a bad idea.
Listen, Barney lays out
some logical points.
Lily is
a reasonable woman.
I think that if
I explain it to her,
she'll get it
and I'll get my way.
No. She'll get mad,
and you'll get in
a huge fight.
Slap bet?
Slap bet.
Baby, could you
wash your dishes?
Lily, I'm glad that
you bring that up.
Can I stay here tonight?
I'll make up
the sofa, buddy.
The ski bunnies are back!
Hey, guys.
How was your trip?
So perfect.
We spent the whole weekend
cuddling by the fire.
No black diamonds,
but a lot of red hearts.
Oh!
Okay,
I'm gonna go unpack.
Hey, you.
Yeah?
Uh-huh.
Ooh!
Uh-huh.
Oh, man.
What the hell has
gotten into you two?
When did you become
so nauseating?
Isn't it great to finally
see her fulfilled emotionally,
spiritually and sexually?
Um, I dated her
for a year.
Yeah.
Anyway, how was
your weekend?
Terrible, and it's all
your fault, okay?
I took your stupid advice.
Baby, could you
wash your dishes?
Lily, I'm glad that
you bring that up.
No. And here is why.
Okay.
So, it's like this, okay.
Yeah, sure.
You want me to go ahead
and wash my dish.
But maybe I want you
to paint the ceiling, right?
And maybe I should say,
"Okay, yeah.
I'll wash my dish
"if you get up
there and just...
"You paint naked babies
on the ceiling."
You know?
It's just like...
Huh?
I don't know what happened.
I'm a lawyer.
I argue for a living,
but when it comes to Lily,
I just get all flustered.
How could you not?
I mean, the girl's
all eyes and boobs.
What happened to
the "I'm tired after
my draining day
"and I want to use
my leftover energy
"showering you
with love" argument?
I should have
written that down.
Look, Lily, I...
I make more
money than you.
Excuse me?
Dance for me.
Oh, Marshall.
Dude.
It all made so much sense
when you said it,
but when I said it,
it turned into a fight.
And once Lily and
I start fighting,
the fight starts to
mutate and multiply.
Sure, it started with
the dishes, but then...
So you're saying
that you shouldn't
have to wash dishes
because you work
harder than me?
Okay, that's not what
I'm saying, but it's true.
And then all of a sudden,
we're also fighting
about who works harder.
I teach kindergarten.
I am molding
the future leaders
of tomorrow.
You eat cookies
and glue stuff.
And soon
more fights spin off.
I can't believe
you'd rather be killed...
Until there are
more fights going on than
you can even keep track of.
If you need to go
in the middle of the night,
either turn
the bathroom light on
or sit down.
My mother
does not hate you.
She is neutral about you.
I am not scared of
your Shining impression.
I just don't need to hear it,
especially at night.
"Danny's not here,
Mrs. Torrance."
Please don't do that.
Man, Lily fights dirty.
She's small but vicious,
like a badger
that your brothers caught
and starved for five days
and then put in
your sleeping bag.
I should just go home
and apologize.
No. What you need
is a surge. Fight harder.
Picture it, Marshall,
never having to
wash another dish
as long as you live,
yet all the dishes
are always clean.
Why, this would
take all the anxiety
out of snacking.
No more holding
open your shirt
to form a makeshift bowl
for your salty treats.
That world is yours,
Marshall.
Reach out, take it.
Dip it in some
ranch dressing, enjoy.
He's right.
No!
Barney's stupid ideas
are what got you
into this quagmire.
There's no exit strategy.
Just wash your stupid dishes.
No! Those dishes
are my manhood.
And if I want to
leave my manhood
dirty in the sink,
caked with ketchup
and pasta...
What are you eating?
then damn it,
that's my right!
I'll wash my manhood
when I'm good and ready!
Where was he not sitting?
Hmm. Hey, Barnstormer.
Hey, Ro-Ro.
Ooh!
Okay, now you have
adorable nicknames?
Seriously,
what's going on
with you two?
Nothing.
We're just happy.
It's like Gandhi said,
"Smile don't cost
nothing, sugar."
I'm not sure you know
who Gandhi is.
So, Ted, did you talk
to our neighbors?
Yes, yeah, I did.
I went up there ready
to set them straight.
They're old?
Really old.
So what did you do?
Well, I didn't have the heart
to tell them to stop,
because, well,
good for them.
So I just welcomed
them to the building,
had a hard candy,
nodded politely
at some racist comments
and then left.
Over the next couple of days,
Barney and Robin
continued to be
happier than ever.
And Marshall and Lily
continued to fight.
I don't care
if the dishes aren't done.
Okay, if you care, you do it.
Great. Then I don't care
if you have an orgasm.
If you care, you do it.
I went 18 years
without the touch
of a woman.
I can do it again.
You might have to.
And I continued
to hear more bagpiping than
the St. Patty's Day parade.
I don't know what to do.
Lily and I have never
had a fight this long.
It's like
I don't even exist.
On Sunday morning,
she made pancake, Ted.
Pancake and bacon strip.
It's your own fault.
You took relationship
advice from Barney.
Well, maybe Barney
has it all figured out.
He and Ro-Ro are
the best couple now.
Lily and I have
been dethroned.
You know what,
I'm not buying it.
All that cutesy,
lovey-dovey crap,
that's not them.
And I know for a fact
that Robin hates nicknames.
Thanks, Robbsy-wobbsy.
Yeah, I don't do nicknames.
Finished with
the sports page,
Sherbs?
Seriously, stop.
Hey, Robin, it's T-Mose.
Yeah, I don't like
them on you, either.
Well, she obviously
likes them now.
And come on,
somebody had to put
an end to T-Mose.
No, T-Mose was awesome.
I'm thinking of
bringing it back.
Bagpiping sounds
a little different today.
It's all echo-y.
Yeah. They're in
the bathroom.
I think they're bagpiping
on the shower chair.
And just like that,
I realized exactly
how to get the real scoop
on Barney and Robin.
Hey, Ted.
How are Marshall and Lily?
I worry about those two,
I really do.
You and your big,
giant heart.
Okay, enough.
The jig is up.
Ted, whatever
do you mean?
Who's this guy?
We'll get to that.
You see, I knew
something was wrong.
You two were too happy,
too shiny, too nickname-y.
Didn't add up.
You two never fight?
Horse apples.
You fight all the time.
How would
you know that?
Phil told me.
Who the hell is Phil?
Your downstairs neighbor.
Hi. I'm Phil. 12 B.
And he's heard
everything.
So Phil tells me that Ro-Ro
and the Barnstormer
have been fighting a lot.
Care to explain?
Okay. Everything
was going great.
Our no-fighting techniques
were working perfectly
until we went
on that ski trip
last weekend.
Hmm.
So I showed Marshall
that Lily's argument
was bananas
and now
he'll never have to
wash another dish.
High two.
That's terrible advice.
What? You agree
with Lily? You...
Oh, no.
We're about to
get in a fight,
and I can't run away.
I can't take my clothes off.
It's freezing up here.
I'd get hypothermia.
Maybe I can jump it?
Maybe just my pants?
This no-fighting
thing is over, huh?
I think so.
How could you possibly...
I can't believe...
agree with Lily?
that you made Lily
get in a fight about this!
She's shorter than him!
And it didn't end there.
We've been fighting
ever since.
All those fights
we kept not having,
they all came back around.
The bag of panties.
The tie Robin murdered.
The tiny camera
I found in
the headboard.
That's how a quarterback
stays sharp.
Monday morning,
he sits on a bag of ice
and studies the game tape.
Barney,
for the millionth...
You don't get to be...
using
football analogies...
as good as I am...
and studying
technique!
does not make it
any less creepy.
I knew it! I knew
you guys were acting
too cute and perfect.
Look, we were just sick
of everyone pointing out
how crappy
at relationships
we both are.
Yeah, it was sort of nice
to be the perfect couple
for a minute.
I knew you were lying.
You got to wake up
pretty early to
slip one by the T-Mose.
Stop it.
Marshall, dinner's ready.
Did you...
Did you make any for me?
No,
but it's your favorite.
Hey.
We need your advice.
So Barney and Robin
told Lily and Marshall
all about their fighting.
And let's just say,
that in comparison,
their little dishes spat
seemed pretty tame.
And by the end,
Lily and Marshall
both had the same reaction.
I'll wash my dishes
right away from now
until the day I die.
I don't care when
you wash the dishes.
But if it's something
cheese-based,
like a nice ziti,
at least soak it,
okay?
Of course, baby.
I love you.
I love you, too.
See? Right there,
how did you
just do that?
How'd you just
fix everything?
I don't know.
I guess sometimes
you just have to
set your ego aside.
Yeah. And remember that
the love that you have
for that other person
is way more important
than winning.
More important
than winning.
Stop, stop it.
Seriously,
what's the secret?
Okay, look,
the honeymoon period
may be over,
but now you can get
into the real stuff.
And honestly,
that's the best part.
Good night.
So what do we do now?
I guess we got to
start talking more
and get into the real stuff.
Yeah. Or there's a bench
in the elevator.
That's better.
Hey, so what if we're not
the best couple in the world?
Totally.
It's not a competition.
No.
We win!
Best couple
in the world!
Whoo!
Yeah!
Guess what?
These glasses
are plastic.
So we can just
throw them away.
That means no dirty
dishes in the sink.
You're dirty.
Maybe I should
leave you in the sink.
And once that first argument
got worked out,
all those other arguments,
well, they got better, too.
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