Kids, the secret to
dating is very simple.
Be confident,
be comfortable
in your skin,
be assured of who you are.
Uncle Barney
was really good
at that last one,
even though
a lot of the time, who
he was was someone else.
Hi. You see that guy
over there in the scuba suit?
You thinking of
going and talking to him?
No.
Good. He's seriously
the biggest jerk on
the face of the Earth.
How do you know him?
He's one of my best friends.
So, what's with
the scuba suit?
Well, it's a long story.
See, he just went
through a breakup.
There's two
basic philosophies of
how to
handle yourself
after a breakup.
Some people throw
themselves into...
My career.
That's my number
one focus right now.
From now on,
no more dating.
It's all about work.
While others
throw themselves into...
Every woman in New York City.
That's right,
Barney Stinson is
back on the market.
Mothers, lock up
your daughters.
Daughters, lock up
your Milswancas.
"Milswancas"?
Wait, I can get this.
"Mothers I'd
Like to Sleep With
and Never Call Again."
Correct. Circle
gets the square.
Don't you think you're
kind of rushing back
into this?
Lily, since
I started dating Robin,
there's a certain thing
I haven't used as
much as I would like to.
It's kind of big,
surprisingly heavy,
kind of leathery,
and it's black.
Huh?
This, my friends,
is The Playbook.
The Playbook contains
every scam, con, hustle,
hoodwink, gambit, flimflam,
stratagem and bamboozle I've
ever used, or ever hoped
to use,
to pick up chicks
and give them the
business.
Wow. You wrote
another book? It's...
We got a Stephen King
over here.
It's all in here.
Everything from
basic moves, like
"The Don't Drink That."
Whoa, whoa! Don't drink that!
I saw some guys slip
something in there.
What? Who?
Uh... That guy.
Thank you.
To more
advanced maneuvers,
like "The Mrs. Stinsfire."
Now, Kappas, after
our disciplinary hearing
for lewd behavior
last semester,
we have
been assigned
a new house mom.
I'd like you to
meet Mrs. Stinsfire.
Hello, girls!
Wow! I can't
picture a way
that wouldn't work.
What's "The Lorenzo
Von Matterhorn"?
I'm glad you asked.
"The Lorenzo
Von Matterhorn" will be
my grand return to the stage.
Or, you know, the bed.
Actually, my bed
is kind of on a stage.
I put a platform underneath,
I got
some lights going.
It's a real production.
Barney exits!
So how about you, Robin?
You getting back out there?
Where's your Playbook?
My Playbook?
Bro, two-volume set,
right here.
It's a great read, actually.
Yeah, I'm reading it
right now.
Anyway, I told you already.
I'm taking a break from
all that.
Mmm-hmm. Marshall,
it's totally gonna happen.
It's so gonna happen.
What's gonna happen?
You're gonna fall in love.
So soon.
Not likely.
I'm focusing on my career.
I'm done with dating.
Oh, oh! Okay,
we're playing
the Pyramid, okay.
Things people say right
before they meet the
love of their life.
Oh! Kelly Harris, girl
I went to law school
with, said,
"Hey, law school's so hard.
I just wanna focus on
my studies."
Six months later...
Well, that's all
well and good
for Kelly.
Travis Frenchroy,
backup bartender,
tells me...
I'm so over
the whole dating game.
I just wanna focus
on my Star Trek
fan fiction.
Six months later...
May I respond?
Mmm-hmm.
Well, that's all
well and good for them.
Matthew Blitz, accountant
in my office, says...
Oh, I'm gonna die single
and alone.
I might
as well just focus
on this year's taxes.
Six months later...
Protest all you want,
but it's gonna happen.
It's a law of nature.
Lawyered, of nature.
Believe me, I'd love to have
no interest in a relationship.
There's no way
I'd be single right now
if I wanted to be single.
Okay. Now you're ready.
Ready for what?
Three years ago, this girl,
Shelly, started teaching
at my school.
The moment
I saw her, I was like,
"This is the girl for Ted."
Why am I just
hearing about her now?
Ah.
You know, I usually hate being
set up, but this Ted just
sounds so great.
Oh, he is.
He's so sweet and
thoughtful and intelligent.
Come on, buddy!
One more
chicken finger and
the crown is yours!
Mmm. I don't
see him anywhere.
He must be out
doing charity work.
So, different bar?
Oh, yeah.
She was cute.
Yeah. Still is.
And now you're ready.
Yeah, bro.
Now you can fit, like,
three times as many
chicken fingers in
your mouth.
You know it.
Okay. I will set it up.
But promise me you
won't do anything stupid.
I promise, I won't
do anything stupid.
And I kept that
promise, but only because
she never showed up.
I know, I'm sorry.
I feel terrible.
You should feel terrible.
I do feel terrible.
You should.
I do.
You should!
I do. I do.
You should.
I don't.
Look, I was really
looking forward to
meeting Ted,
but I got to
the bar an hour early,
and I met this amazing guy,
like, seriously amazing.
And you met him at MacLaren's?
Yeah, right at the bar.
What's his name?
I shouldn't say.
What the heck?
It's Lorenzo Von Matterhorn!
You son of a bitch!
So he hooked up with Shelly?
You must have been pissed.
Damn straight!
Barney, I've had Shelly set
aside for Ted for three years.
Dude, Ted was
not missing out.
She's brainy and annoying,
kind of boring in the sack.
I guess she would
have been perfect
for Ted. Oops.
Okay, had I known that
she was there to meet Ted,
of course I
wouldn't have done it.
But given the circumstances,
I think Ted will be proud
of me.
I pulled off "The
Lorenzo Von Matterhorn!"
Okay, what's "The Lorenzo
Von Matterhorn"?
My question exactly.
Okay, what's
"The Lorenzo Von Matterhorn"?
Glad you asked.
"To perform
'The Lorenzo Von Matterhorn,'
"here's what you'll need.
"Basic knowledge
of Web site design,
and a very unique fake name.
"So, think of your
fake name right now.
"Have you got it? Good.
"Now, select your target,
"preferably a girl
with a real nice phone."
Yeah, it's me.
Do I know you?
I'm Lorenzo Von Matterhorn.
Are you, like,
famous or something?
Yes. What are you... I'm...
You really don't know
who I am, do you?
What a refreshing
change of pace.
Nice to meet you... Shelly.
Shelly.
Once again,
I'm Lorenzo Von Matterhorn.
Spelled like
it sounds, two "T's".
Lorenzo Von Matterhorn.
"Then,
as soon as you're gone,
she gets out her phone
"and does an Internet search
for 'Lorenzo Von Matterhorn.'
"And that's
when she discovers
a series of fake Web sites,
"all devoted to
the incredible life
of Lorenzo Von Matterhorn.
"There's the fake
business article
about Lorenzo,
"the reclusive billionaire.
"The fake
explorers' club newsletter
describing his balloon trek
"to the North Pole as
a feat of pure daring
and imagination.
"The fake
medical journal featuring
the heartbreaking story of
"doctors telling him penis
reduction surgery isn't
an option.
"And by the time
you get back..."
Hi. Shelly,
I hate to be forward,
but can I
buy you a cup of coffee?
Yes, please.
What does coffee go
for these days, $50?
Oh! Lorenzo.
"And it is on."
That's awful!
You realize you broke
her heart, right?
She's inconsolable.
Why would she
be inconsolable?
Lorenzo's balloon
won't disappear over
the Arctic for another week.
The only way
she would be upset
is if someone told her
it was all a bunch of lies.
It was all just
a bunch of lies?
It was all just
a bunch of lies.
The balloon expedition?
Lies!
The man-made island
shaped like his face,
off the coast of Dubai?
Lies!
Finishing third in the
laser tag competition?
Oh! Actually, that
one's true. I went to that.
You went to the Vatican?
Lies!
Oh, my God!
Well, I hope you're
happy with yourself!
What?
You broke that girl's heart.
Me?
You!
She'll probably
never trust a guy again.
You ruined her for Ted,
not to mention
Julio Von Matterhorn,
Lorenzo's twin brother.
Can you believe that?
He blames me!
And by the way, Ted,
I bet she'd still
go out with you.
Hmm. Let me think,
do I wanna go out with
a girl Barney hooked up with?
Guys, help me out
with the harmonies.
Sure.
Well, you must be
a little bothered
by this?
Well, it's his life.
Look, if these
girls are dumb enough
to fall
for this crap,
they have it coming.
Agreed. Have you seen the one
in there labeled "The SNASA"?
Wow, you're an astronaut?
I'm
actually in a top-secret
government space program
called "Secret NASA"
or "SNASA."
Wow. "SNASA."
Mmm-hmm.
Do you go to
the moon and stuff?
Well, not the moon
you're familiar with.
Though, I have
been to the "smoon."
Wow. The "smoon."
If you fall for that one,
my heart breaks for you,
but I'm sorry,
you're a "smoron."
So, what happens next?
Well...
Come on, Barney. You just...
You just got out of
an honest-to-God relationship.
You're a real boy now.
You can't go back to
these cheap tricks.
Cheap tricks?
Not one of these
is a cheap trick.
Except for
"The Cheap Trick."
I'm the
bass player
for Cheap Trick.
And even that one involves
expensive hair extensions.
Now, if you don't mind,
I am off to prepare
for tonight's main event.
I will be performing
"The He's Not Coming."
Glad you asked.
"To perform
'The He's Not Coming,'
here's what you'll need.
"The observation deck
of the Empire State Building.
"Are you up there? Good.
"For generations,
this has been the spot
New Yorkers have chosen
"for their romantic reunions
with long-estranged lovers.
"So, all you have to do is
walk up to every girl you
see, and say..."
He's not coming.
What are you talking about?
Never mind.
He's not coming.
She's not coming? Sorry.
"Until
sooner or later..."
He's not coming.
He's not?
But we agreed.
We always said
we'd meet here,
on this night.
I'm such a fool.
All right,
I'm gonna go
get the paper.
More like go get a husband.
Yeah, totally.
Okay, you guys,
just stop that,
seriously.
The last thing
I'm looking for
right now is a relationship.
Uh-huh. When you
pick up that newspaper,
be sure to check
the wedding announcements
for yours.
Robin, it's like this.
Do you have any idea
how many times in my life
I've gone to the freezer
looking for frozen waffles
and not found them?
Thousands?
Millions.
But when I go to the freezer
looking for a Popsicle or
the remote control,
because Lily
and I are having a fight
and she's hidden it there,
you know what I find?
Frozen waffles.
That's how it works.
If you go out there,
looking for a paper,
you're coming back
with frozen waffles,
and in this case,
frozen waffles
is a guy.
Also, could you pick up
some frozen waffles?
In that case,
frozen waffles
are frozen waffles.
Guys, code red,
emergency, lockdown!
Nobody's leaving!
What happened?
I tried
the "He's Not Coming,"
and it worked, gangbusters.
You should have seen
this girl.
Okay, I'm leaving.
So, we get up to my place,
and I go into my room to
set up the camera...
To light the candles.
And when I
come out, she's gone,
and so is The Playbook.
I think we all know
who is responsible
for this.
Yeah, we do.
Yeah. Al-Qaeda.
No, you idiot! It was me.
You son of a bitch!
Wow, you stole The Playbook?
So the girl on the
Empire State Building?
A friend of mine,
an actress.
An actress, of course!
That explains her
impeccable diction
and her sluttiness.
Barney, I've
got half a mind to
take that Playbook
and put it
up on the Internet for
the whole world to see.
You wouldn't!
I won't,
as long
as you agree
to no more scams,
no more cons,
no more hustles,
no more hoodwinks,
no more gambits,
no more stratagems
and no more bamboozles.
I noticed you
left out flimflams.
No more flimflams!
Damn it!
Oh, my God. I'm sorry to
interrupt, but look at this.
No!
I got left
at the altar.
Oh, my God,
that's horrible!
Wonder if that would work.
That's not even
the worst one in there.
Have you guys seen
"The My Penis Grants Wishes"?
Really? A genie
comes out of it?
Only if you
rub it hard enough.
So, then what happened?
It says here,
"He breaks into song,
"and then
the furniture comes to
life and dances with him."
It's not
very well thought out.
It's no Mrs. Stinsfire.
No, what happened in
real life?
Well, a few hours later...
You know,
I heard it was gonna rain.
If anyone's interested,
I will be at MacLaren's Pub
performing a play
out of The Playbook
entitled, "The Scuba Diver."
That is all.
Okay, that's it.
I'm putting
The Playbook up
on the Internet.
Baby, can you
put The Playbook
up on the Internet?
Yeah, of course, baby.
But here's the weird thing,
I've literally
been through this
book cover to cover.
There's no play in here
called "The Scuba Diver."
Oh! So, now
you guys wanna know
what "The Scuba Diver" is?
Well, it was on the
last page of The Playbook,
but I ripped it out,
just in case.
Don't worry, though.
You're about to see
it in action.
See the blonde
over there by the bar?
Tizzarget aquizired.
Barney, don't do this.
God, give it a rest, pest.
If anyone should be mad,
it should be Robin.
She loves The Playbook.
I don't love The Playbook.
What are you...
The Playbook, it's gold.
You gotta admit,
it's pretty spectac.
Look, Barney,
we just broke up.
I mean, yes,
the costumes are cute,
but we just broke up.
Well, I didn't know
you felt that way.
I guess I've
been so wrapped up
in my own stuff that I...
Oh, crap,
she's looking over here.
Quick, everyone, scatter.
That's it.
Hi. You see that guy
over there in the
scuba suit?
And that brings
us to right now.
Wow.
But wait. So, why is
he wearing scuba gear?
We don't know and
it's killing us, Claire.
It's killing us.
Well, let's go ask him.
So what's "The Scuba Diver"?
And this is Claire,
by the way.
Hello, Claire. My name
is Lieutenant Frank Lyman.
I train
bomb-sniffing
dolphins for the...
You know what?
I can't do this.
Robin, I am so sorry.
I guess this breakup's been
tougher on me than I thought.
I think this Playbook was
just a way to take my
mind off of things.
It's okay.
It's been tough on me, too.
I mean, look at me.
I've sworn off relationships.
She's so about
to get married.
I gotta work on my toast.
I gotta make
sure my tux fits.
I will bang your heads
together like coconuts.
Barney, I'm so glad
you're stopping this.
And, frankly, the real
Barney is way cooler than
any of
the fake Barneys
in this Playbook.
Is that right?
Claire, you've probably heard
a lot about the real Barney
tonight.
Wanna grab
a cup of coffee?
Okay, Claire,
before you turn him down,
I think you should know
that under this
neoprene suit,
with what appears
to be a tube sock
stuffed in the crotch...
Can of Pringles, but go on.
is an amazing guy.
He's fun and
one of my best friends
and he landed this hottie.
He's a good guy.
Come on, Claire,
go out with him.
It's just
a cup of coffee, right?
Yeah, come on.
Yeah, it can't hurt.
All right, all right.
Let's get some coffee.
And by
the end of the night...
I'm proud of that guy.
To be that vulnerable
takes a lot of Pringles.
Whoo! I got
a text from Barney.
"Look under the table."
It's a page
from The Playbook.
What's it say?
It's "The Scuba Diver."
"Step one,
tell a meddlesome female
friend about The Playbook.
"Step two, run a play
on one of her co-workers
"making her so angry
she steals The Playbook.
"Step three,
put on the scuba suit,
"and tell her you're
going to do one more scam,
"called 'The Scuba Diver,'
on the hot girl standing
by the bar.
"Your friend,
let's call her Lily,
goes and talks to the girl
"and tells her everything
about The Playbook.
"Now, here's
where it gets tricky.
"When Lily
and the girl ask
what 'The Scuba Diver' is,
"take off your mask,
give them some spiel about
your deep-seated insecurities,
"which don't really exist
because, let's face it,
you're awesome.
"Feeling bad for you,
Lily talks you up to
the girl,
"who then agrees to
go get coffee with you.
"And it is on."
You son of a bitch!
I'll give you a call.
All right, bye-bye.
For those
of you keeping score,
"The Ted Mosby" works.
Shh.
Robin, here we go.
You say you don't
want a relationship.
Well, the love of your life
is about to walk through
the door, and it's
that guy.
Yeah, I'm not falling
in love with that guy.
Right, right, right.
'Cause it's gonna
be that guy.
I don't know, the blue blazer
is just, like, not doing it
for me, so...
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
you're right 'cause
here he comes.
It's that guy.
Robin, you should at least
give her a chance.
You know, make out
with her a little.
See if there's
something there.
Okay, I'm going to work.
Yeah, you are.
No, I'm actually
going to work.
Uh-huh.
Mmm-hmm.
Go to work...
Work...
And the ironic part was...
Hi. Are you Robin?
Yeah.
I'm Don,
your new co-host.
that
was the day she met Don.
Damn it, Marshall.
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