Kids,
you never know when
you're about to meet
someone really important.
It's not like life
gives you a warning.
You just look up
and there they are.
Come on, we're going to go
get trashed on the roof.
No, not that dude.
Her.
I'm good, Boomer.
My name's not Boomer.
Oh, in my head, it is.
Gentlemen,
I'm a faculty member,
and you're underage,
so it's my duty
to confiscate this
and this and...
Hard lemonade?
You know what, Boomer?
You can keep that.
I swear, every week
I get asked by some
frat guy to a kegger,
and I say,
"I'm a PhD candidate
"writing a dissertation
entitled 'Foreign Direct
Investment
"'and Intergenerational
Linkages in Consumption
Behavior.'"
And what does frat guy
say to that?
"That's hot."
Actually,
that is kind of hot.
Ted, I have a confession.
Hmm.
I recognize you.
Do you remember
the first day of classes
last semester?
Econ 305?
Kids, you remember the
wrong classroom story.
I thought I was
in Architecture 101,
but it was Econ 305.
Of course,
what I didn't know was
that your mother was
somewhere in that class,
and she thought
I was a complete idiot.
I thought you were
a complete idiot.
But a very cute idiot.
So, um, do you ever
date cute idiots?
Almost exclusively.
She's a PhD candidate.
She reads philosophy for fun.
She does the Sunday crossword
every week and finishes it.
Ooh.
Wow.
Ted, I am so
happy for you.
Sorry, not for you,
happy I'm not you.
Long story short,
I have a date tonight.
Oh, yay.
Thanks, New York,
I'll try not to screw it up.
What's going on?
There's a huge line
outside MacLaren's.
And why is it
almost entirely dudes?
Only two things
could cause that
kind of commotion.
Boobs.
Ladies and gentlemen,
MacLaren's has hired
a hot bartender.
Look at all these guys.
Oh, the sidewalk's
going to smell
like pee-pee now.
Well, we'd better start
looking for a new bar.
What, are you...
What... Are you crazy?
It is a hot bartender.
Do you know how long
I have been waiting
to land a...
My friends, I have been
with many women in my day.
Lawyers, teachers,
poets, doctors,
professional equestrians,
amateur equestrians,
a butcher, a baker,
a candlestick maker...
Yes, we're to
the rhyming section now.
A math professor,
a tax assessor,
a weight guesser.
A puppeteer,
a blackjack dealer,
a stay-at-home mom...
That's a job, too, guys.
A circuit court judge...
Get to the point!
I have never, ever
scored a hot bartender.
Until tonight.
She's really
not that hot.
Oh, is someone jealous
of all the attention?
Did somebody fancy herself
the hottest girl in the bar?
Gosh, no. Shut up!
All right, wish me luck.
It's never
going to happen.
Barney, she's just going
to pretend to like you
the same way she hypnotized
all these geniuses.
Yeah, but guess
who's not going to
fall under her spell?
I'm gonna be all,
"Drop the act, baby doll.
Daddy needs a gin and tonic."
Then when she brings it,
I'll just spit it out
and say, "Try again."
Boom! Alpha dog is right
where he belongs, on top.
Then after a few minutes,
on the bottom. Why should I
do all the work?
Hi, Marshall.
Hey, guys, what's happening?
New super-hot bartender.
Oh, yeah?
Eh.
Ha!
See? Marshall doesn't
think she's hot either.
Yes, he does.
Baby, you don't have
to pretend other women
aren't attractive
just for my sake.
I know,
and if that woman were
anywhere near as hot
as the woman I'm married to,
then I'd admit it.
But she's not.
Baby,
you're so sweet,
but compared
to that woman,
I am a big bag of
three-day-old garbage.
Well, I call 'em
like I see 'em,
and I just think you're
the most beautiful woman
in the world.
See, that's
just annoying.
Oh, my God,
you are so funny.
That'll be $6.75.
Here's a 50,
keep the change.
Thank you.
Amateurs. Hey.
What do you want?
Drop the act, baby doll...
Wait, what?
Are you gonna
order a drink
or are you just
gonna stand there
looking stupid?
Um...
I don't know how
to make an "um."
Is that equal parts vodka and
get-the-hell-out-of-my-face?
Hey, Bobby!
Later that night,
I embarked upon a very
important first date.
How are you?
Good. Come in.
It's funny.
Sometimes you walk
into a place you've
never been before...
Just one sec.
Sure.
but you get
the feeling
you're exactly where
you're supposed to be.
And, kids, that's the
first time I ever saw your
mother's little yellow bus.
You know the one.
It's right behind you.
Hey, this is cute.
Actually,
it's my roommate's.
So, there I was, kids,
standing in your
mother's apartment.
Never mind the fact
that I was on a date
with her roommate, Cindy.
Sorry, I shouldn't
be messing with your
roommate's stuff.
What's she like?
I didn't know it,
but I was about to hear
the very first description
of the woman
I'd one day marry.
She's a whore.
I think she's
a dominatrix.
What?
Okay, I'm sorry,
none of that is true.
I have a bit of
a roommate complex.
Why?
Guys are always
falling in love
with her.
Hey, hey, look at me.
I promise you
I am not going
to fall in love
with your roommate.
Oops.
Okay, now that you've had
a closer look, admit it.
That bartender is
the hottest woman
in this bar.
Second hottest.
I repeat...
Eh.
Baby, how could
you not want to hit that?
I want to hit that.
If you don't want to
hit that, I'm sorry,
but you might be gay.
Hell, yeah, I'm gay.
Gay for you.
Whatever.
Did you find out why
I'm the one guy
in this entire bar
she seems to despise?
I did, um,
you're not going to
like the answer.
My last three boyfriends
were Wall Street guys.
Bastards.
So, I vowed
never again to date
a guy who wears suits.
Huh!
Okay, well, that's easy.
All I have to do is
stop wearing suits.
Oh, that's all, Barney?
Come on, you're never
not in a suit.
True. But for those...
I mean, for that...
I mean, for her,
I will stop wearing...
Wait for it.
We know you're
going to say "suits."
suits.
Meanwhile,
Cindy and I were having
a lovely evening,
except she wasn't kidding
about her roommate complex.
And another weird thing
about my roommate,
she does these
bizarre paintings
of robots playing sports.
Yeah, that is weird.
I was lying.
That sounded awesome.
Your mother's robot
volleyball watercolor
is hanging up in the den
as we speak.
Yeah. And she has
this crazy habit
of making breakfast food
sing show tunes.
That's just bizarre.
Your mother's rendition
of Memories
as performed by
an English muffin is,
to this day,
the most hauntingly
beautiful thing
I've ever heard.
Look, I'm sold.
I hate this girl.
I'm sorry.
Look, she's not that bad.
I just get a little jealous.
I don't know why.
You're awesome.
But not as awesome
as your mother.
And speaking of things
that are less awesome,
your Uncle Barney
had officially suited down.
I am so sorry
I misjudged you.
If there is
one type of person
that I cannot stand,
it is a man
in a suit.
Ugh.
That, and a woman
who has no respect
for herself.
Ugh.
Yeah.
Suits and insecure women.
I hate them.
Just hate them.
Hey.
Hey, how was
your date with Cindy?
Well, last night was great,
today not so much.
What, why?
I found out
the school's policy
about students and
professors dating
is really strict.
I could lose
my scholarship.
Yeah, but it's not like
you're in my class.
I mean, we're not even
in the same department.
I'm sorry,
but I just can't risk it.
She's completely
overreacting, right?
Actually, Ted,
she has a point.
Yeah, and think about it.
If the rules are that strict,
you could be putting
your job in jeopardy.
I think you got to
let this one go, buddy.
Let's try this again.
She's completely
overreacting, right?
Of course,
they were right.
I had to let it go.
But as your Uncle Barney
was about to find out,
it's not so easy
to let things go.
Suit up.
Now, none of us
had ever seen Barney go this
long without suiting up,
and, kids,
it wasn't pretty.
So sorry I'm late.
I got stuck at work.
Yeah, today I had
that presentation
on offshore dividend
tax implications.
Sure, I was totally
paying attention when
you talked about that.
Right, so I fire up
the PowerPoint...
Um, Barney?
Barney.
Huh.
Suit up.
Hey, Barney,
we're going to
order some food.
Okay,
be out in a sec.
Okay.
No.
Out of the way!
Stay with me.
It's not your time.
If anyone
could fix something
like this,
it was Barney's
personal tailor,
TV's Tim Gunn.
I'm sorry, Barney.
I couldn't make it work.
So young.
There's nothing else
you could do?
No. But there is
another suit that can use
the buttons from your suit.
That can...
Like an organ donor?
Your suit's death
could mean another
suit's life.
Oh, my God.
Do it.
You're doing
the right thing.
Please don't cry on this.
It's silk.
I'm sorry.
I know. I know.
We cremated
the remains.
His buttons
saved the life
of a sick little jacket
on the Upper East Side.
Well, at least now
you can finally
drop this quest
for the so-called
hot bartender.
No.
My suit gave its life
for this cause,
and I will not
rest until those...
I mean, that...
I mean, she is mine.
He's absolutely right.
Who, the guy kissing a jar
full of dead suit ashes?
That guy?
What if Cindy is the woman
I'm supposed to marry,
and I'm just giving up?
So long, elegant
yet welcoming home
in Westchester
with a sensible mortgage
I can handle without
dipping into my savings.
Bye-bye,
two kids I raised with
a stern yet loving hand,
finding the perfect balance
between father and friend.
Adios, triplet schnauzers,
Frank, Lloyd, and Wright.
Ted!
The point is,
I'm not giving up, either!
I don't know why
I just did that.
Barney, I'm so sorry
about your friend.
Tell me about him.
Huh.
He was Italian.
Classy, elegant.
And boy,
did he have a way
with the ladies.
They just
couldn't say no.
How old was he?
Seven.
I miss him so much!
You shouldn't be
alone tonight.
I'm gonna end
my shift early.
Thank you, old friend.
You're going out
with a bang.
Come on, Marshall.
Just admit that
she's hotter than me.
I won't be hurt.
Can't do it.
You're hotter.
She's a goddess!
Her skin glows.
Her legs go for miles.
And that ass?
I would wear that
thing for a hat.
Last night in bed,
I'll admit it,
she popped into my head
a couple of times.
Whoa.
What are you trip...
Like, you think
she's hotter than me?
I never said that.
Oh, my God! You do.
Well, it's apples
and oranges. She's
younger than you.
Well, I'm just saying,
like, me in my prime
versus her in her prime.
Well...
Oh, my God!
You guys, her hotness
isn't even real!
It's circumstantial hotness.
Watch.
Such a sweet surprise
I suppose you think
she's hotter than me, too.
What the hell
are you doing?
What?
You're not
allowed back here.
Oh, no. Uh, I...
Carl, look.
No.
I don't want to go back.
Please, please,
just don't make me go back.
You got to go.
Don't. I...
You got to go.
I just...
No, Carl. I was...
I was somebody back there!
Everybody loved me.
Hey.
Hi.
Can we talk?
My roommate's
just about to get
out of the shower.
Let's talk in my room.
Okay.
Look, Cindy, I know
the university rulebook says
we can't date.
But it also says,
"Don't teach drunk,"
and I do that all the time.
The point is, I like you.
I do. You're sweet,
you're funny.
You're writing
a dissertation entitled
"Foreign Direct Investment
"and Intergenerational
Linkages in Consumption
Behavior."
I mean, that is hot.
I know this sounds crazy,
but I feel like
our paths are supposed
to cross somehow.
And I don't want to
miss out on knowing you.
I don't want to miss out
on knowing you, either.
Look, I got to tell you,
I mean,
just from looking
around your room,
I can tell we have
a ton in common.
Really?
The Unicorns?
Who Will Cut Our Hair
When We're Gone?
I have never met
anyone else
who has this album.
That's my roommate's.
I borrowed it.
Oh.
Well, well, what about this?
World's End by T.C. Boyle?
That was a birthday gift
from my roommate.
Haven't checked it out yet.
Oh.
Oh, you should.
It's a good read.
What about this?
This is ridiculous.
You play bass?
Seriously, ask my friends.
I always say,
"My ideal woman
"does not play bass,"
because this is clearly
your roommate's.
She's in a band.
Damn, that's cool.
This is unbelievable.
You just picked out the
only three things in here
that are my roommate's.
So, does your
roommate's band
ever play shows, or...
Get out.
Kids,
as you probably guessed,
that wasn't the night
I met your mother.
Although I think
I glimpsed her foot.
But I did get a little bit
closer to meeting the woman
of my dreams.
And your mom?
Well, she got her
yellow umbrella back.
He was just so special,
you know?
I feel like
we should give him
a moment of silence.
Followed by, like,
20 minutes of grunting.
I'm gonna make you
feel all better.
Hmm.
Let me just
go freshen up.
All right.
Oh, wait. No, no,
that's not the bathroom!
That...
Are these yours?
I'm suit-sitting
for someone.
Barney, you lied to me.
You have to choose right now.
Me or the suits.
What's Barney been drinking?
But no, it's not a failure
one thing she is not
would be just fine
dressed to the nines
you can't refute
like a suit!
Where all the boys and girls
in a jacket and tie
a double-breast
with muttonchops
with a lollipop
who's kind of cute
like a suit
a squeeze
if you please
if you had to choose
and a pot of gold?
if you gave your suits away
you'd never grow old?
One million chicks
three-piece suit?
Were within your reach?
I'm gonna stop you
right there.
It's suits. Come on,
Lily, get your head
out of your ass.
and girls will come
only one absolute
needs to know
accepted substitute
let's make amends
are my best friends
down the laundry chute
suits the undisputed
suitor of repute
Wait for it.
Then again,
she is pretty hot.
I choose you, baby.
First thing tomorrow,
I'm getting rid
of these suits.
Really?
Yeah.
Mmm.
You guys are fine.
ENGLISH - US - LINE 21