Kids,
when you're in your 30s
and live in New York,
there's a few places
you just never want to be.
Times Square on
New Year's Eve.
Rockefeller Center
around Christmastime.
Yeah.
But most of all...
A college bar?
Man, we're probably
gonna run into my students.
They're gonna corner me
and want a free lecture.
I don't even have
my slide projector.
Ted, I've been
skee ball champ here
since law school.
I have to pop in
at least once a month
to maintain my record.
Whoa, looks like
you've been gone awhile.
Some guy named Big Fudge
has been cleaning up.
Yeah, he has.
And you're Big Fudge.
The biggest.
So, by the way,
I have to tell
you something.
Yep.
I invited Jenkins.
Jenkins? No way.
We'd all started
hearing about Jenkins
a few weeks earlier.
You guys will not believe
what Jenkins did this time.
Who's Jenkins?
He's this
hilarious new lawyer
at Marshall's office.
Hilarious!
Okay, so, there's this jar
of maraschino cherries in
the fridge at work,
so Jenkins says,
"200 bucks,
I'll eat the whole jar."
So we give Jenkins
200 bucks,
and Jenkins ate
the whole jar!
Jenkins.
And after that,
the stories kept coming.
So the CFO comes in
to sign some
acquisition papers.
So Jenkins goes,
"Excuse me, Mr. Wilcox.
I think we forgot
one of the documents."
Jenkins!
So we all go out
for beers after work.
Jenkins gets up
on the table
and starts gyrating
like some sort of
deranged stripper.
Next thing you know,
off comes the shirt.
It was so gross.
Jenkins.
Right?
Well, it'll be great
to finally meet
the famous Jenkins
after all those
stories.
Yeah.
And there's about
to be one more story.
I'm gonna bang Jenkins.
What?
You heard me.
You want to have
sex with Jenkins?
With Jenkins, on Jenkins,
near Jenkins. You name it.
I want to wear Jenkins
like a sock.
You... But you're...
Haven't you all...
I'm... Really?
Hey, guys.
Ted, this is Jenkins.
Oh!
Look, this is gonna
sound crazy,
but I thought
Jenkins was a guy.
What? That's crazy.
What gave you that idea?
I don't know, maybe
the whole Jenkins-peed-out-
the-window-of-a-cab story.
Yeah. Much more
impressive now,
isn't it?
Yeah!
Okay, I'll come clean!
It all started
a few weeks ago.
By the way, four eyes,
new lawyer.
This is Jenkins.
Watch out for this guy.
He steals stuff.
I don't steal stuff.
And I don't wear glasses.
I'm Marshall.
Hi, Marshall.
So, are you really
a Vikings fan,
or was he lying
about that, too?
Why? Is this a trap?
Are you a Packers fan?
My wife knows I'm here.
She doesn't have money,
but what she does have
is a very special set
of skills.
I'm a Vikings fan, too.
I bleed purple and gold.
I'm from Pelican Rapids!
Pelican Rapids? No way!
Yeah.
My grandpa lives
in Pelican Rapids.
Well, I mean,
he's dead now,
but he haunts a barn
off Route 108.
Whoa! Hold it. Hold it.
Dude, if you tell me you
have a thing for a woman
that is not your wife,
I will drag you outside
and kick your ass.
Okay, first of all,
come on, buddy.
You can't handle
the Fudge.
Second of all, no,
I think of her
like a big brother,
who, I guess,
has boobs.
But so does
my oldest brother,
Marvin Jr. Anyway,
that night,
I told Lily about...
Jenkins.
I can't wait
to meet him.
I should have corrected her.
It would have been so easy.
But I didn't.
So, after that, whenever
I talked about Jenkins,
I always avoided pronouns.
So the head of marketing
comes in to choose people
for the mid-west audit.
So he goes, him,
him, her, him, him,
Jenkins, him, her...
I don't understand
why you wouldn't
just tell Lily.
Do you really think
she'd be all that jealous?
Ted, think about
those stories I told you.
Yeah, I could see
how that'd be a problem.
Exactly. That's why
Lily can't find out.
Lily can't
find out what?
That Marshall's gonna
buy her a horse.
You are?
That is so awesome!
I love those things!
Guys, why is
that kid over there
staring at me?
I think I know
what this is.
I think it has
finally happened.
I'm getting recognized
from my show.
Robin, that is so cute.
But that's Scotty.
He's one of my students,
and he's looking at me.
How weird is it
that I'm more
famous than you?
Not at all,
'cause you're not.
I'm on TV.
Yeah, and I have 30
students in my class.
That's what,
30 times your viewership?
Now let's give Scotty
a little thrill.
Buying a drink
for the old prof.
All right, Scotter,
one question about
neo-classical architecture
and that is it.
You're Robin Scherbatsky,
right?
What?
Yes, I am.
Wow! Look,
I didn't mean to stare.
It's just... I watch
your show all the time.
Really?
Totally!
What are you doing out
with Ted?
It's Professor Mosby.
We're friends.
Holy crap!
Robin Scherbatsky's friends
with my econ professor!
It's architecture!
All right, you know what,
Scotty, you're crowding us.
Hit the bricks.
Wait a minute.
You're Big Fudge!
Go!
Hello?
Hey, baby,
I'm on my way up.
What? Why?
There was a measles outbreak
at school and they called
a half-day.
Thought I'd come by here,
have lunch, maybe give you
the measles?
Okay.
Um. I have a problem.
That was my wife.
When I first mentioned you,
she mistakenly thought
you were a guy,
and so...
So now you're worried
that once she finds out
I'm a woman, she's gonna
totally flip out.
Yes, exactly.
Oh, jeez. Oh, gosh.
Okay, okay.
I was in an improv group
in Pelican Rapids.
Follow my lead.
Okay.
Lily!
Hey, baby...
Hi, I'm Lily,
Marshall's wife.
Hi, Lily. I'm from
the French Embassy.
I'm here because of a small
but significant cheese
incident that occurred.
She's Jenkins!
You're Jenkins?
Yeah, well, that
Camembert crisis isn't
gonna resolve itself,
so I'll catch you guys
on the flip-flop.
Marshall cringed.
This was the moment
he had feared.
The famous Jenkins!
How about that?
Funny, I was
picturing a guy.
Anyhoo, lunch?
Wait.
So you're not
jealous at all?
Sweetie, I never
have to worry about you
with another woman.
Right, well, 'cause
we're so hopelessly
in love, right?
Yeah, sure.
Anyhoo, lunch?
She wasn't jealous at all!
Of course
she wasn't jealous.
That's the whole dynamic
of your relationship.
What's that
supposed to mean?
Well, it's like this,
my man.
Every good relationship
has a reacher and a settler.
Exactly. One person
reaches for someone
out of their league,
the other one settles
for someone below theirs.
I did not settle for Lily.
Okay, yes,
she's a little short,
and true, my mom says she
doesn't have the hips to birth
an Eriksen child, but it...
Oh, my God,
you guys think
I'm the reacher.
That's why
Lily's not jealous.
The settler is never
jealous of the reacher
because where's
the reacher gonna go?
The settler, Lily, is the
best thing that the reacher,
Marshall, is ever gonna get.
No! Okay, yes,
I'm lucky to have Lily,
but Lily is just
as lucky to have me!
Okay? Neither one of us
is the reacher.
Dude, you are so the reacher.
You're getting her a horse.
What?
Shh. Take the hit.
Take the hit.
Thus ending
modern architecture's
very brief experiment
with the V-frame house.
Um. Excuse me for a second.
What are you doing here?
I noticed
you forgot something
this morning,
so I thought
I'd bring it by.
Your pen.
This is your pen.
And you chewed on the end
of this recently.
Not a problem, Ted.
Your class was on
my way to work...
No, it's not.
at Come On,
Get Up, New York,
where I'm an anchor, so...
I watch your show
all the time.
What? You watch the show?
Oh! Well, paint me flattered!
Any other fans out there?
Oh! We got...
Okay, all right.
Thanks for
coming by, Robin.
Well, tune in tonight.
I'm doing a great piece
on snail poison.
Also, who's got
the worst pizza
in New York?
I'll give you the answer
after traffic on the ones,
threes, fives, and nines.
Really? You guys
watch her show?
It's like watching
a well-lit aquarium,
but not as interesting.
And now that I
think about it,
not as well lit.
Well, the truth is,
we watch it for
the drinking game.
The who now?
Her morning show
comes on so early
we're usually
still at the bar,
so whenever she
does an interview,
you have to drink
every time she says
"but, um."
"But, um"?
"But, um."
Apparently,
she says it a lot.
It's funny.
I had a drinking game
based on Robin,
but it was
actually on Robin.
I'd pour Peach Schnapps
in her bellybutton...
Dude, we agreed
we wouldn't do this.
Sorry. You're right.
She didn't like it anyway.
Said it woke her up.
Does she really say
"but, um" that much?
That night,
we found out just
how much she said it.
That's great,
but, um...
"But, um."
Nice.
This wasn't your first
spelling bee, was it?
Nope. Third.
Oh! Good for you,
but, um...
But, um.
But, um...
But, um... But, um...
Hmm.
Interesting article
in the paper.
Says that in every
relationship there's
a reacher and a settler.
Really? Let me see it.
It's not
in this newspaper.
It's in one
I read awhile back.
This newspaper reminded me
of the other newspaper.
Anyhoo...
What do you think
about that?
Well, I guess sometimes
that's the case.
But not in ours.
What? No, of course not.
Right.
Well, say,
gun to your head,
you had to say
one of us was
the reacher.
Well, I'd say it's neither.
That's what makes us great.
Okay, now,
there's a gun
to my head,
and our future children,
and our future cat or monkey,
depending on who wins
the game of Risk
we've been playing
for three years.
Nope. No reacher,
no settler.
Mmm. Mmm.
Well, how about this...
This went on for a while.
Until finally...
Our two kids,
our eight grandkids,
our 11 great-grandkids
are all on a plane
piloted by Oprah,
and it's about to crash
into an art museum
with all of your
favorite paintings,
and the only way,
the only way to
save everything,
is just to answer
the question.
Are you the reacher
or the settler?
And Oprah's
tried everything?
Everything!
You have to decide now!
Well, I guess
if I had to say,
then maybe I'd say
I'm the settler.
How could you say that?
She thinks that
she's the settler.
I mean, that's it.
I gotta prove to her
that I am not the reacher.
I gotta make
her jealous.
Well, that's easy.
Here's the plan.
Step one,
sleep with Jenkins.
Step two, I sleep
with Jenkins first.
Step three,
we do step two first.
I'm gonna go get
started on step two.
Okay, okay,
I got something.
Remember the other night,
the skee ball game?
When you were putting
nothing but wood
in the 50-hole?
Whatever.
Just another night
for Big Fudge.
You thought
she was into me?
Full-on lady wood.
Yes. Of course.
A plan taketh shape.
If Lady Lily's jealousy
young Marshall cannot budge,
then perchance,
fair gentles,
Big Fudge can
make her jealous.
Okay, let me
try that again.
If Lady Lily...
I got it, buddy.
I got it.
Ted, I have got
a great idea.
Is it clean your hair
out of the shower drain
when you're done?
Seriously,
it's like you're trying
to carpet the tub.
If you wanted to print out
one of your lectures
or something,
I could read it on air.
Coming from a more
entertaining source,
your students might
actually pay attention
and learn something.
Oh! You're entertaining?
Last night there
was three minutes
of dead air
while you sewed a button
back on your sweater.
Look, just because
your class likes me
more than you...
You're a drinking game!
What?
That's why they watch.
They made a drinking game
out of you.
Every time
you say "but, um,"
they do a shot.
"But, um"?
Yeah.
I don't say "but, um."
I have never said "but, um."
Well, then I guess
it's not a very good
drinking game,
which would mean last night,
when Barney and I played it,
I didn't get super wasted
and throw up all over myself.
Wait!
I did both of those
things, so face!
Hey, Jenkins.
Hey, buddy.
Hey, so Lily and I
are gonna go back to
that college bar again,
and we were wondering
if maybe you wanted to come.
You could just, like,
watch me play skee ball,
or do exactly what
you did the other night.
Something like that.
It's really up to you.
I mean, I know that...
Hey, baby,
what are you doing home?
"Baby"? That's a name
I don't deserve.
What?
Jenkins kissed me.
She kissed me.
The other day she
saw me play skee ball,
and I don't know,
I guess she caught some
of the Big Fudge fever.
But you have to know,
I stopped it right away,
and you're the only one
for me, baby.
Oh, I see what this is.
This is about the whole
reacher-settler thing.
Come again
for Big Fudge?
You want to make me jealous,
so you're making up a story
about Jenkins.
I'm not making this up!
This happened!
That woman kissed me,
with tongue.
Her tongue
was in my mouth!
Sure it was.
It was thick and rough,
like a starfish arm!
I'm so jealous!
I'm just gonna
go over there
and punch her
right in the nose.
Give her
a knuckle sandwich!
Come on, baby.
You want some soup?
It happened!
Do you have any
split-pea left?
These are just a few of
the many contributions
he made to architecture,
and yet,
he is only remembered
for one thing.
That, my friends,
is the sad legacy of
Gregorio Francetti Gazebo.
Any questions?
Hey, do you want to go out
drinking with us tonight?
What?
Yeah, we were gonna play
the Robin Scherbatsky
drinking game.
We were wondering
if you wanted to
join us.
Well, what can I say except,
"But-ums up."
Can I still come?
I'll pay.
So, your third book
was your breakout novel,
but, um...
But, um!
Damn! Sorry.
But... Just "but,"
no "um." Just "but."
Your first novel was
written more quickly.
That's correct.
But, um...
But, um!
How great is this?
And it was right then
that Robin got an idea
that would end
the drinking game forever.
I wanted to ask you
about the novel
you're writing
right now, but, um...
But, um!
It's an idea you've
had for a... But, um...
But, um!
time. But, um...
But, um!
No. No, no, no.
Don't drink.
It's a trap.
I think I'm gonna go.
You can keep your 10 bucks.
Okay, but, um,
thanks for being with us.
But, um, if there's any
college kids watching,
but-um, but-um, but-um,
but-um, but-um...
We have to drink,
professor.
It's the rules.
She said "but, um."
God help us all.
There you are.
I'm so sorry
I kissed you yesterday.
That's okay.
And I'm sorry I
had sex with you
in the mailroom.
That wasn't me.
Good grief! That's two
awkward conversations
I have to have today.
I don't normally do that.
I was really drunk.
You were drunk
at 8:00 in the morning?
Yeah, I don't know
how that happened.
I thought
snail pellets were safe,
but, um...
But, um!
I gotta get to work.
Man, that game is
really catching on.
Damn it!
How could I do this?
It's okay.
No, you know what?
It's not okay.
You're the nicest guy
in this stupid office,
and I really don't want
to screw up our friendship.
This is so embarrassing.
Please don't tell anyone.
No, who am I gonna tell?
Lily? I told Lily.
For Pete's sake.
Well, I gotta go talk to her.
I gotta apologize.
No! No! No!
Yes.
Marshall, I'm just gonna
tell her that it happened,
that it meant nothing,
and that I'm sorry.
No, I...
Yes. Yes. Do that.
I will.
Yeah,
and if you don't
have time for all that,
just tell her it happened
and that you're sorry.
And if you're in a real rush,
you don't even have to say
"I'm sorry."
Just tell her
that it happened.
That's the important part,
that it actually happened.
So, emphasize that
as much as you can.
And so, Lily,
I guess what I'm saying is,
it happened.
I feel terrible about it,
and I'm really sorry.
Well, it happened.
What are you gonna do?
It happened. Terrible.
But like I said,
it happened.
Exactly. And I feel
awful about it.
And I'd hate myself
if what I did hurt you
in any way,
or affected
your relationship
with Marshall.
Please forgive me.
Kiss my husband?
My husband?
Nobody kisses my
future baby-daddy
but me!
Marshall, you're
blocking the shot!
Well, I...
And, kids,
your Uncle Marshall
never tried to make
Lily jealous again.
Lil!
That's good.
Okay, we're just gonna have
a nice low-key class today.
Not a lot of talking.
No loud noises.
Sup, guys?
No, no, no, no, no.
Please, just go away.
I just wanted to
drop by and say...
Thanks for watching,
Come on, Get Up, New York!
Whoo!
But, um!
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