Kids,
we all have different ways
of dealing with nerves.
It'll just be
a few more minutes,
Mr. Stinson.
Some people
chew their nails.
Some people
tap their feet.
And some people imagine
they're being interviewed
by renowned sportscaster,
Jim Nantz.
Hello, friends.
Every sport has had an icon
who transcends the game.
Boxing had Ali,
basketball had Jordan,
and the sport of sleeping
with random hotties
has my next guest,
Mr. Barney Stinson.
Barney, welcome.
Thanks, Jim.
Great to be back
on the show.
Good to have you with us.
And, you know, the stats,
they really speak
for themselves.
Over 200 women,
spanning six continents,
17 nationalities,
74 sexual positions,
and not a single fatty.
It's impressive.
And with all these
accomplishments though,
there's one laurel
that's always eluded you,
which brings us to last week.
What was the story there?
Buckle up, Jimbo.
This one's a doozy.
It all started
when I decided to set
myself a little challenge.
Oh, my God.
Whoa!
He's calling his shot.
Whatever girl I'm
pointing to right now,
that's who I'm going
home with tonight.
And,
play ball!
Hey.
Hey. How'd the date
with Dale go?
You know, sometimes that guy,
with the horn-rimmed glasses
and a Smurfs T-shirt,
is just being ironic.
Sometimes he is a dork
with a lazy eye
and a love-hate
relationship
with Gargamel.
Robin, just because a guy
talks a lot about a fictional
character on a first date,
doesn't mean he's not
husband material.
Sasquatch isn't fictional.
That was quick.
So, night one
was pretty routine.
Jim, there's nothing routine
about the way I get down.
Respect.
Take us to night two.
See that hotty over there
nursing a Black Russian?
She's about to chase that
with a white American.
Up top!
You know,
if you're not careful,
you're gonna lose me.
Hey, guys, what should
I say when Dale calls
for a second date?
How do you know
he's gonna call?
You're cute, Marshall,
but I think Mama knows
when a dude's digging
the show.
I mean, he couldn't keep
his good eye off of me.
Well, let him down easy.
People are fragile.
Sometimes without
even meaning to,
you might rip someone's
beating heart out
and stomp on it
in a roomful of 26 people
and a teacher's assistant.
How did school
go today, Ted?
Something bad happened.
It was the first class
of the new semester.
Jamie Adamic? Hi.
Brian Glowatz,
Glowatz? Hi.
Well done.
Adding a fake name
to the sign-up sheet.
That's real original, guys.
You know, I'd expect
inspired minds such as yours
to be a little more mature
and, frankly,
more creative.
I mean, seriously,
what kind of
a fake name
is Cook Pu?
Here.
Come on, guys.
It's gotta at least
sound real. Cook Pu?
Here.
Whatever happened
to classics, right.
You know, Seymour Butts?
Hugh Gerection?
Those were fake names.
But Cook Pu?
Here.
Cook Pu!
She's back here, bro.
All right, come on.
Let me have it.
Bring on all
the Cook Pu jokes.
Oh, we're not gonna
make jokes, Ted.
That girl must be
really down
in the dumps.
You really smeared
the Pu name.
You guys finished?
Are you asking us
if all the Pu is
out of our system?
Wow, back-to-back nights.
Barney is on fire.
That girl's lucky.
Barney was the best sex
I ever had.
And he's the best friend
I've ever had.
He's everything
I want Marshall to be.
He's everything
I wish I could be.
I'm just assuming
that's what they say
when I'm not around.
I buy it.
You're awesome.
Now, night three.
Paint us a word picture.
Jim, I could tell
I was on a roll,
so I decided to mix
things up a little bit.
I think I'm gonna go
small boobs tonight.
You're disgusting.
Lily, they're people, too.
Here's your burgers.
Thank you.
Thanks.
You're welcome.
What, you're not sharing?
You two always
share a burger.
No, we don't.
We're not, like, weirdoes
who share everything.
Yeah, you are.
That's exactly
what you are.
We're perfectly normal!
Guys, what's going on?
You know how Lily and I
have been looking
for new couple friends
ever since we lost
Robin and Barney,
and Ted and Stella,
and Ted and Robin,
and Ted and Victoria?
Geez, Ted,
when are you gonna
get your life together?
How'd we end up here?
We went on a great
double date last night.
We were cool.
We were casual.
We didn't spaz out.
And then one tiny
little detail came out
and the whole night
was ruined.
Ruined!
And Joanna's toothbrush
flips off the side
of the sink,
hits the ceiling
and falls right
into the toilet.
Come on.
That's crazy.
Last week,
the same thing happened
to our toothbrush.
"Our" toothbrush?
Yeah.
Like, one toothbrush?
That you both use?
Every day?
Is that weird?
Super weird.
Marshall, four out of
five dentists just threw up
in their mouths.
Hey, check it out.
Barney's leaving
with another girl.
Wow, three girls
in three nights?
That's gross
even for Barney.
Gross? Are you kidding?
He's on his way
to a Perfect...
Oh!
Don't say it!
You'll jinx it.
Jinx what?
I was on my way toward
a Perfect Week!
The Perfect Week.
Seven nights,
seven girls,
zero rejections.
Incredible. I mean,
it's really like
the sexual equivalent
of baseball's perfect game.
But even rarer.
Yeah. The only player
in history to have
ever achieved both
was Mustache Pete Drexel,
back in 1896.
Now this wasn't
the first time you'd come
close to a Perfect Week.
You learn the hard way,
though.
One mistake,
and it's all over.
Sometimes,
a teammate makes
an error.
Sometimes,
one wild pitch...
You, me,
the canned-food aisle
in the bodega next door.
leads to a walk.
And sometimes,
you just lose focus,
and it almost always
leads to a hit.
But this week,
you were three-for-three,
with no sign
of slowing down.
I could do no wrong.
Wish I could say the same
for my friends.
Cook didn't show up
for class today.
I'm sorry, Cook?
Yeah, Ted, we know, like,
a ton of people named Cook.
Yeah.
Cook Pu.
Uh-oh. Here we go.
The dreaded Dale call.
Oh! It's my mom.
She's going through
some pretty major
league health stuff.
God, why won't
that guy call?
Wait a minute,
you want him to call?
No. Shut up.
Don't you guys have, like,
a toothbrush to share,
or something?
Yeah. When did
you guys even start
doing that anyway?
Like, years ago.
You should know.
We lived with you.
Yeah, but you always
kept your toothbrush
in the bedroom.
Also weird,
by the way.
No, we kept it
in the bathroom.
No. There was only one
toothbrush in the bathroom,
and it was mine.
Wait. Are you saying
that for eight years,
all three of you
shared one toothbrush?
Oh, my God.
Kill me!
I love this so much!
Kill me!
So, you're through
four nights.
You're over the hump.
Nice, Jim.
Hey, I try.
I'm no you.
But then came night five,
and with it, trouble.
Beer here!
Thanks.
Hey, how's Barney
doing tonight?
Cool as a cucumber,
just like he's been
all week.
Yeah? That's hard
to believe.
Why?
Apparently, this big merger
fell through last week,
and Barney's being
blamed for it.
That's weird.
He hasn't said anything.
Look, I work with the guy.
I didn't find out until
this afternoon,
when I walked by
his boss's office.
You cost this company,
Stinson!
I've never seen
Barney look that scared.
I think he's
gonna get fired.
I can't believe
Barney might get fired.
Yeah, they're having
a meeting on Friday
to determine
whether or not
he keeps his job.
Poor guy.
He must be freaking out.
I'm gonna go
talk to him.
Wait, no!
You can't distract
the man in the middle
of you know what!
Oh, come on!
This is his career!
This is much more important
than some stupid Perfect...
Okay.
You can lick my hand
as long as you want.
I'm not gonna
let you ruin his...
Guys, we need
to talk to him.
I'll go.
He needs a bro.
Hey, buddy.
Hey.
Everything all right?
Absolutely. Sure.
Top of the world.
Who am I kidding?
I need your help.
Anything, buddy.
What is it?
Which one of these girls
looks the dumbest?
All right, kid.
Let's check the
scouting report.
What about the heater?
High and outside?
All right.
I'd go with the slider.
Thanks, Skip.
Yo.
So, what'd he say?
Hmm? Oh!
Yeah, he's gonna
take a swat at that
hamburglar over there.
You were supposed
to talk to him
about losing his job.
Lily, how is forcing him
to dwell on a problem
he can do nothing about
gonna help him?
How is ignoring it
gonna solve anything?
Well, you ignored good
dental hygiene for the
better part of a decade
and you seem...
Cook Pu!
Cook Pu.
Dale call yet?
No. Why are you...
Guys, guys, guys, look!
Barney, we gotta
stop you for a second.
There's something
I have to ask.
Have you ever used
performance-enhancing drugs?
No, sir. I respect
the game too much.
Although, I can't say
I haven't been offered.
Dude, it was
pretty awesome.
You should try it.
I have some more.
No, thanks.
You sure?
All right.
Suit yourself.
What time is it?
It's 8:00.
8:00?
I need to go
to the hospital.
I've never
touched the stuff.
You can test me
if you want to, Nantz.
Barney, I trust you.
I regret I even asked you
the question, okay.
Let's go to night six.
Two girls away
from perfection.
Honest to God.
Hey. Hey.
Dude, what are you
doing here?
Get down to the bar.
Ted, relax.
I'm already six-for-six.
Really?
Yeah.
I was lunching at Tavern
on the Green.
I started chatting up
this Swedish supermodel.
Next thing you know,
I'm playing a day game
in the back of
a horse-drawn carriage.
Giddy-what-up.
Awesome.
What really happened?
I had lunch at
a Staten Island Chili's and
banged a drunk hairdresser.
Are you happy,
Truthy McGee?
Barney, we know
you might get fired.
Wait. You have to
talk about this.
You are just
using meaningless sex
to distract yourself
from a really
serious issue.
It is not
meaningless, okay?
Number five and I
really connected.
She's going back to school,
or has a kid in school,
something about school!
So, today,
one of my students told me
Cook is dropping my class.
Oh, my God.
Pu dropped out?
She is flushing
her education
down the toilet.
Any word from Dale?
It's only been five days.
He's gonna call.
Why do you care anyway?
You said he was a total dork.
Do not talk about Dale
that way, okay!
He is twice the man
you will ever be!
And God forbid, if you
can't find another job,
sell your place.
Marshall and I
have an extra room.
You can stay there
as long as you need.
Make sure you bring
your own toothbrush.
Lily, what are you doing?
Talking to my friend
who's going through
a really tough time.
He's doing fine.
Trying to sleep
with seven women
in seven nights
is not doing fine.
It's a cry for help.
Barney's whole life
is a cry for help.
But you don't mess
with a man when he's
in the middle of a...
What? Perfect Week?
Perfect Week! Perfect Week!
Perfect Week! Grow up!
Unbelievable. You know,
there's two things
you don't do.
One, you don't open
an e-mail from Phil Simms
in front of your kids.
And two, you don't
jinx a man going for
a Perfect Week.
I don't know
what to tell you.
Lily's always
messing with me.
I think she has a thing
for the Barnacle.
You're a keen observer
of the human condition,
Jim Nantz.
I can't believe
you jinxed him.
He doesn't stand
a chance out there.
Okay, question.
If I ruined everything,
why is Barney
totally hitting it off
with third-martini-girl
over there?
Oh, my God!
He's gonna do it.
Yeah. See,
there is no such
thing as a jinx.
Tell me she didn't say,
"There's no such
thing as a jinx."
Wish I could.
You were about to achieve
something so beautiful.
Well, thanks to her,
the only thing
that could ruin
a surefire hook-up
was about to walk
through that door.
A member of
the 2009 World Champion
New York Yankees.
Lily, I'm getting
my own toothbrush.
Well, I guess that's it.
Barney's streak ends at six.
What? Why? Because that
guy with the weird hair
just walked in?
That's Nick Swisher.
He's a New York Yankee.
No normal guy
in New York City can
compete with a Yankee.
And it doesn't even have
to be a current Yankee.
When I first moved here,
I was on a fourth date
with a girl I really liked,
until I got rack-jacked
by Phil Rizzuto.
I was there. Holy cow,
that guy had game.
Mmm-hmm.
No, I'm not seeing it.
Okay, let me try
to Canada this up
for you, eh?
How would you react if
one of those Cachuck guys
with the skates
and the sticks
walked in here?
Lily, if one of
the Vancouver Canucks
walked in here,
my panties would drop
so hard there would be
a hole in the floor
halfway to China.
That's what it's like
with the Yankees.
Barney's screwed.
It's happening. Look.
Hey, wanna come over
and look at my
snow globe collection?
Snow globe collection?
He's throwing
junk out there!
That is Nick Swisher.
Good effort.
Good game. Good game.
Good game.
Not good enough.
This whole week
was a waste.
And tomorrow,
I'm gonna get fired.
I'm really sorry, dude.
But for what it's worth,
this week wasn't a waste.
We were all having
a really horrible week
and you took
our minds off it.
Yeah. I had my first
student drop my class.
It sucked.
I met my soul mate
and he never
called me back.
I mean, yet.
He will. He will.
We scared off a really
great couple just because
we share a toothbrush.
You share
a toothbrush!
Well, them and Ted.
What?
Wait a second.
When we were dating
you borrowed that
toothbrush all the time.
Oh, my God.
And that's when
Aunt Lily realized what's
great about sports.
They take your mind
off your troubles,
if only for a moment.
And deep down,
we all needed
that Perfect Week.
The second
she sits down next to
Swisher it's all over.
Wait a minute!
Aldrin's got
a bead on her!
She's running out of room.
She dives, and...
And I have no idea
where she's going
with this.
Oh, my God!
Are you okay?
Yeah. Sorry,
I'm such a klutz.
Oh! Thanks.
I think
I twisted my ankle.
Can you get me some ice?
Of course.
Oh, my God. She did it!
I guess there is no
such thing as a jinx!
Oh, I'll get you
some ice, Lily.
Damn it!
Swisher's back in play.
Swisher's back in play!
Follow me.
Hey, Nick Swisher,
this guy and his wife
share a toothbrush!
So?
So, that's weird, right?
Actually, I think
it's kind of sweet.
In a way, aren't we all
trying to find that
special someone
to share
a toothbrush with?
Excuse me.
Lily, Nick Swisher
thinks we're sweet.
Martini?
We're having a beer
with a New York Yankee.
How cool is that!
Oh! It's amazing.
I totally follow
baseball.
Mookie Wilson,
is that a thing?
Yeah, baseball,
it's amazing.
But I tell you one thing,
it's no hockey.
I live right upstairs.
What do you say
we go back
to my place?
Wow, to be honest,
I don't normally do that,
but I feel a real
connection here,
Seven. Christy.
Please.
I did it!
Amazing!
Congratulations on
your Perfect Week.
Thanks, Jim.
I couldn't have done it
without my teammates.
Hey, on to a new topic.
Do you really think
you might get fired today?
Jim, I... I told you
I don't want to talk
about that.
Barney, I'm a figment
of your imagination,
so, apparently, you do.
Think about that.
What a jerk!
You're a jerk.
Mr. Donovan
will see you now.
Stinson, we've
reached a decision.
We're keeping you on.
I know this past week
must've been tough on you.
I barely slept.
Here you go, guys,
the official hat of
Barney's Perfect Week.
I was gonna do shirts,
but then you have to
guess sizes,
and feelings get hurt.
It's a mess.
In commemoration
of Barney's induction
into the Hall of Game,
this tie worn on
the seventh night
of his Perfect Week
is hereby retired.
May Barney's heroic feat
be remembered and spoken of
for generations to come.
I'm totally gonna
sit my kids down
one day,
and tell them about the
time Uncle Barney nailed
seven chicks in a row.
Am I a bad dad?
Take-out order
for Cook Pu.
We have a number two
over here for Cook Pu.
You guys got Wendy
saying it now?
Come on, okay, I get it.
Cook Pu is a stupid name,
and it gets
stupider and stupider
the more you say it.
Cook Pu. Cook Pu. Cook Pu.
Here.
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