Kids,
I remember one time
we all gathered
at my apartment to
watch the Super Bowl.
Well, not all of us.
Welcome back
to Super Bowl XLIV in Miami.
Get a load of that guy.
You think that's
his real number?
Well, that explains
where Barney is.
Dibs on his wings.
Hey, guys.
Hi.
Does anyone know
who won the Super Bowl?
You were there.
It was the...
I won.
Because I am now in possession
of a magic phone that
always rings.
And do you know
who's always, usually,
on the other end? A chick.
So how many chicks
do I have calling
me now?
Infinity!
You guys
remember Ranjit.
Hello.
Hey, Ranjit.
Good to see you.
I've enlisted
Ranjit's services
as my personal driver
because for the next week,
I'll be sleeping with
hundreds of women,
and I don't
wanna take the subway,
'cause, you know, germs.
What, you're actually gonna
hook up with these girls
that call you?
Oh, indubitably. I'm meeting
the first one here any minute.
Keep your
eyes peeled
for a red sweater.
Based on her texts,
she's dirty,
dyslexic, and
wants to 96 me.
Semi-colon, end parentheses.
This ought to be good.
I can only imagine the
quality of girl that...
Oh, my God,
you are the guy
from the Super Bowl!
Magic phone, guys.
Magic phone.
Hey, guys.
Hey, Ranjit.
Hello.
Hey.
How's it goin'?
Hey.
That beer looks a little flat.
It's scotch.
Whoa! Something
troubling you, kiddo?
Don.
Don was Aunt Robin's
co-host on her morning show.
Now, even though her show
was on so early that
no one watched,
Aunt Robin was
a consummate professional.
But Don was not.
Oh, yeah.
But that morning,
Don had gone too far.
Now that's
what I call having
a "woof" over your head.
Don?
Why is Ulee's Gold
in every crossword?
Oh, it's me?
Sorry, sorry, sorry.
Next Sunday is
Valentine's Day.
And one
lucky patient
will be receiving
a very special
chocolate heart,
a human heart.
Hey, that reminds me,
I have been meaning
to ask you.
Robin, do you have
any Valentine's Day plans?
He asked you out?
He asked me out.
That's crazy.
And they use "Ulee"
because of the vowels.
Ah. What did you say?
Well, we were on the air.
I was on the spot,
so I said okay.
Robin, you are
gonna marry this guy
so freaking hard,
right in the butt.
What? No! I hate Don!
And now
I can't cancel
because I said
I would go out
with him on the air.
What would
your viewer think?
Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!
You said you'd
go out with him
on Valentine's?
I thought we had plans.
What? Getting
drunk and cleaning
the apartment was a plan?
I did not say
it was a good plan.
Guys, guys, guys,
we're on me now.
And it is
getting interesting.
Look at these texts.
Read this one.
Yowza! Now look at this one.
Does she text her mother
with those fingers?
Now look at this one.
Or this one.
Okay, okay, okay, buddy.
How about you do this?
Go nail that girl,
then read your texts.
I can't do that, Ted.
I just can't hook up
with a girl
if there is
a hotter girl out there
with whom up can be hooked.
Isn't there
always a hotter girl?
I know.
Isn't it wonderful?
Go for Barney.
Cut to the chase,
what's your cup size?
Oh, hi, Mom.
There's always a hotter girl.
Isn't that the problem,
in a nutshell?
There's too many options.
You got Internet dating.
You got bars.
Holding up your phone number
on national TV.
I never had
that problem.
When I was 18,
I had an arranged marriage.
And I love my wife
more and more every day.
It is true.
It is very rare
that two people just
meet and fall madly in love.
Like Robin and Don.
But we're not even, like,
going out for dinner.
We're just
hanging out at his place.
Ooh!
No, it's not like that!
It's just us and
a bunch of other people.
Wait. Robin, what exactly did
Don say when he asked you out?
I'm having
some friends over to
my place for a little party.
You should come by
if you want.
I... Okay.
Robin, Don didn't
ask you out.
Of course
he asked me out.
No, he didn't.
Yes, he did.
He did. He did! He did!
Okay.
Well, dog my cats. I think
I know what's going on here.
Robin, did you want
Don to ask you out?
What? No! I hate Don!
I can't
stop thinking about
how much I hate him!
It's like...
It's like, all the time.
I just wanna attack him,
and rip his
stupid clothes off,
and just spank him
with his little paddle
until his bum's all red.
Shut up!
See? That right there
is what free will gets you.
Constant,
ego-shattering uncertainty.
I'm done with that.
I want what Ranjit has.
I've spent
my entire adult life
looking for the perfect woman,
and I'm spending
Valentine's Day
scrubbing the toilet.
I need someone else
to find me that woman.
Marshall, Lily,
"arranged marriage" me.
Or this one.
You want us to
arrange your marriage?
Absolutely.
Look, there's two
sides to dating, right?
Picking and getting picked.
Getting picked, I'm good at.
Ladies love Teddy West Side.
You're waiting for
me to comment on your
self-assigned nickname.
Well, here's my comment.
I love it!
Really?
Teddy West Side, continue.
It's the picking I suck at.
I pick the wrong girls.
But, you guys, you're
the best pickers I know.
You picked each other.
Well, with a slight assist
from the Wesleyan housing
department.
And a healthy splash
of Drakkar Noir.
Get out there.
Find me a girl.
We'll double date
on Valentine's Day.
If I like her,
I will marry her.
If she's cool with it.
And she will be 'cause
I'll wear my nice blazer.
I love that blazer
almost as much as
Robin loves Don.
I do not love Don.
Robin,
neurologically speaking,
the part
of the human brain
that makes you hate people
is located right next
to the part of the brain
that makes you
wanna jump people's bones.
The two
responses are so similar
it's hard to tell them apart.
You know what it's like?
Wait, I have to get a book.
Give me 30 seconds.
Okay, this is fun.
Look at this picture.
It's a rabbit.
You can look at it for hours
and be absolutely sure
it's a rabbit.
But then one day,
you look at it,
and you realize,
"Wait a second, it's a duck."
It's a rabbit. It's a duck.
Rabbit. Duck. Rabbit. Duck.
Isn't this fun?
It sure was.
Relationships are like that.
I mean, look, when
you first met Don,
you hated him.
You thought,
"This guy's a duck."
But one of these days,
you're gonna realize,
"This is actually something
that I love. He's a rabbit."
I think you got it
backwards there, buddy.
The duck is
the thing you love.
The rabbit is
the thing you hate.
What?
Yeah, I gotta agree.
Ducks up, rabbits down.
Definitely, ducks
are better than rabbits.
Are you guys...
Ducks are... Ducks are...
Rabbits are adorable.
Ducks are, well...
Have you ever been
in a fight with a duck?
I mean, ducks are jerks.
This led
to one of the most
intense arguments
our group has ever had.
Duck is delicious.
Rabbit is all gamey!
We're not talking
about flavor, Ted!
Flavor counts!
Who carries around
a duck's foot for
good luck?
Anyone?
You wrap
yourself in a comforter
stuffed with rabbit hair.
I'll wrap myself in one
stuffed with duck feathers.
Who's cozier?
Okay.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
But who's cozier?
Hold on! I have
to get another book!
Then why don't we
take a rabbit, a duck,
stick 'em
in a cardboard box,
and let them fight it out?
Because it's illegal, Ted!
Only if we bet
on it, Marshall!
Fine!
I concede! You win.
Say it.
You have to say it.
Ducks are good.
Rabbits are bad.
Yeah! So good!
Yes!
Thank you. And Don is,
and always will be,
a rabbit.
I wouldn't be so
sure about that, Robin.
Think about it.
Don, Donald, Donald Duck.
And what, I wonder,
does Donald Duck
never wear?
Pants.
Don's a duck.
Permission to say "lawyered"?
I'll allow it.
Lawyered.
Yes, kids.
Sometimes there's a fine
line between love and hate.
Case in point...
There is no place
I would rather be,
and no one I'd
rather be with.
I should get that.
Go for Barney.
Look, I'm sorta
in the middle of someone,
something, right now, and...
You're a hot
lady bullfighter?
You gotta go.
MacLaren's Pub.
Well, hello.
There's no place
I would rather be,
and no one I
would rather be...
Would you excuse me
for one moment?
Go for Barney.
Look, I...
You're a gold-medalist
Japanese figure skater?
MacLaren's Pub!
Well, hello.
No place I'd rather be,
no one I'd rather...
Oh! For Pete's sake!
You're a hot chick?
MacLaren's Pub!
Well, hello.
I realize that
you're very busy,
so I'll just get
straight to the point.
Okay.
And that's my bad leg.
Very bad.
Are you okay?
Yeah, of course.
Why... Why wouldn't I be?
Go for Barney.
Barney had been
sure that phone was
something he loved.
But now he realized
it wasn't that at all.
It was
something else entirely.
I'm free!
Ah, now this feels right.
There is no place
I would rather be,
and no one I
would rather be...
(CELL PHONE
RINGING IN THE DISTANCE)
What's wrong?
Did you hear that?
Hear what?
(CELL PHONE
CONTINUES RINGING)
MacLaren's Pub!
Go for Barney.
D-cups? Really?
Finally,
Valentine's Day arrived,
the deadline for
Marshall and Lily
to find me a wife,
an important job they had,
well, forgotten to do.
Aren't we supposed to go
on a double date with Ted?
Ted, no.
He's not seeing anyone.
Remember,
he asked us to find...
Oh, no.
Hey, hey.
Wanna get married?
I don't know what
kind of architect.
Houses, buildings,
that kind of crap.
Want to marry my friend, Ted?
Wanna marry my friend, Ted?
What, you can be choosey?
You're in a bar on
Valentine's Day, huh?
Hey, just real quick.
You wanna
marry my friend, Ted?
Man, Ted's right.
It's tough out there.
This is stupid.
You know what?
We forgot about this.
I'm sure Ted did also.
Laser, Taser, gazer...
Blazer...
Hey, Ted.
Yeah.
Before you go
meet your future wife,
why don't you swing by
Don's party with me?
That's what you're wearing?
Yeah. Why?
He's a duck.
That dude be
straight duckin'.
Nailed it!
So, we went to Don's party.
Look, Robin,
I don't wanna crowd you
on your little date here,
so if things start to get
hot and heavy with Don...
They're not gonna get hot...
I'm just saying,
if they do, I'll just say,
"Well, I got a dinner rez,"
and then...
Wait, this is the best part.
I've been working on this
for a while.
I'll duck out.
Ha, ha, ha.
Okay, it's not gonna happen.
But, yeah, do that.
Mmm.
Hello, Robin.
Well, I got a dinner rez.
Oh, God, Don.
What the hell
are you doing?
I don't know.
It's something
called "The Naked Man."
I read about it
on some guy's blog.
My God, I'm so stupid.
Why did I ever
think it would work
on someone like you?
Yeah. 'Cause I would never...
Could, like... Standards,
so...
You know.
I thought this was a party.
I only said that to
get you to come over here.
I didn't think
you'd bring a date.
Ted's not my date.
He's a friend.
Oh, God. You probably think
I'm some kind of playboy
now, right?
You could say that.
So, he's a rabbit.
At least you know
for sure.
Ted, this may hurt a little.
I'm recycling your old
Architecture Weekly magazines.
What are you doing?
Cleaning.
You go on your date.
Happy Valentine's Day.
Oh! Thank God you're here.
Yeah. I've been thinking.
Maybe we should call
this whole thing off.
No. Ted. We got her.
What?
We got her.
It's the craziest thing.
We were searching all week,
and then, a couple of
hours ago...
Trudy?
Married.
Blah, blah?
Committed.
Relationship?
Bellevue.
Natalie?
Ted's her least
favorite person
in the world.
Well, she's not
getting any younger.
Get rid of it!
What?
This phone is cursed.
Cursed, I tell you!
I try to ignore it, but
it just never stops ringing!
It's ruining my life!
I should get that.
No. Please! Please!
Please, Marshall.
Let me answer it.
It could be an emergency.
She could be trapped in
a giant bra!
Barney, Barney,
let it go to voicemail.
I should let go.
Okay.
We have
to find Ted a wife.
We're being too choosey.
It almost doesn't matter
who it is at this point.
Okay.
It's a phone girl?
I know, I know.
No. But, no,
then we met her.
And, Ted, she's
a world-class violinist.
She's a gourmet cook.
And she can quote every line
from Caddyshack!
Wow.
Hello, Ted.
"And what brings you
to this nape of the woods?
"Neck of the wape?
Why are you here?"
So, we all had dinner.
And, kids,
Lily and Marshall's
hard work had paid off,
because that girl
was terrific. In fact...
Oh, but, Natalia,
tell Ted the problem.
Yeah. Yeah.
Tell him. Tell him.
Well, unfortunately,
I'm going to have to
leave the country soon
because my visa
is about to expire.
She needs to get married.
Federal law
expressly dictates
that a foreign national
can't maintain residency
for longer than six months
without a work visa. Sorry.
But when
it came down to it...
And you, sir,
the rabbit or the duck?
What?
It's a prix fixe menu
for Valentine's Day,
and we're already out of
the steak, fish and chicken.
So, rabbit or duck?
Rabbit. Sorry, guys.
I gotta go.
Why would Ted order rabbit
if he was just gonna run out?
I need it back!
Where's the phone?
Well, hello.
Oh, I met you already.
Where's the phone?
It's hidden.
Where?
Where had
Aunt Lily hidden the phone?
Well, to answer that question,
we have to back up
a little bit.
You go on your date.
Happy Valentine's Day.
Barney's phone. I wonder
how it got in there.
Ted? Come on, big date.
Well, what's the harm? Hello?
And just like that,
I was hooked.
Terrific.
I will see you there.
And I'll be the guy
in the awesome blazer.
I think you'll
know the blazer
when you see it.
I gotta go.
Thank God you're here.
So, rabbit or duck?
Rabbit. Sorry, guys.
I gotta go.
Well, hello.
Sorry, babe.
I gotta take this.
Barney's phone.
Teddy West Side speaking.
This is my phone!
I'm taking it back!
And I'm taking
your cool nickname, too.
Barney West Side speaking.
No, no, no, no, wait.
I love it so much!
It just keeps ringing
and ringing and ringing.
Give it to me!
Give it to me. It's mine.
It's mine. It's mine now.
It's mine!
Give me the phone!
Lily. Lily, no! No!
Oops.
Being single sucks.
Mmm.
Turns you into
a crazy person.
I know.
So much running around
and freaking out,
and for what?
It's all so
you can find someone
you can sit on a couch
and put off cleaning
the bathroom with.
Well, the joke's on
the rest of the world
because we can
do that on our own.
Exactly.
Robin, I have to apologize.
Save it.
Let's just do the news.
No, listen. After you
left the other night,
I was embarrassed.
Not because I was naked.
I'm actually pretty
okay with my body.
Clearly.
I got married in college.
I just got divorced
three months ago.
I have no idea
how to be single.
But that's not why
I was embarrassed.
I was embarrassed about my
behavior right here,
at Channel...
It starts with a one.
Twelve.
I mean,
just look at your mug.
Right. Well, no,
you look at this mug.
You are
a tremendous news anchor.
And you deserve a co-anchor
who gives a crap.
And from here on out,
that's gonna be me.
Well, I'll believe that
when I see it.
Well, you'll see it
right now.
I'll go get you some coffee.
Don.
You're wearing pants.
Well, look at that.
Aw, duck.
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