Kids,
in many of my stories,
I'm a starry-eyed romantic
on a noble search for
true love.
In this one,
I'm just a jerk.
Well, guys,
tonight is the night.
I'm inviting Tiffany up to
my place to see my antique
camera collection.
It's Ted's bait.
Bait?
A true gentleman
invents a pretense to lure
an honorable lady
into his apartment,
some item of
interest or beauty
you can both pretend
to admire for five minutes
before she hops
on your disco stick.
Right. She's coming
up to borrow a book,
or check out
an album on vinyl.
Or to see your
new rap poster.
Rap poster?
Who would that work on?
It was the
first week of college.
I was really
into Wu-Tang Clan.
Yeah, bait is tricky.
It has to be something
interesting enough
to get the girl upstairs,
but not so interesting
that it overpowers
the night.
I found that
a slot machine was
too fun.
And a trampoline turned
out to be too dangerous.
But then I found
the perfect bait.
A teacup pig.
Oh...
A teacup pig?
Who's that working on?
You have a teacup pig?
Can we see the teacup pig?
Can I borrow
your teacup pig?
Yes, you can
borrow my teacup pig.
You have a teacup pig?
Oh, my gosh,
I can't believe
you have a teacup pig.
You're just so cute.
Yes, you are
the cutest piggy ever.
What?
Were you always this pretty?
Or are you gonna give me
that whole
"Oh, in high school, I was
really shy and awkward" line?
I was shy and awkward.
I was like 100 pounds heavier
and I had these crazy
buck teeth.
Seriously?
No.
I've always been hot.
What are you gonna do?
Do you know who else
would love this teacup pig?
Hmm.
My boyfriend.
You have a boyfriend?
I know. So annoying, right?
I mean, he's not really
my boyfriend.
Oh, good.
I mean,
technically,
he kind of is.
Well, is he or isn't he?
Some of both, but
definitely not neither.
Are you getting any of this?
Look, I really like you.
I just need you to be patient.
I don't want to lose you,
big brown eyes.
Yep. Somebody doesn't
want to lose "big brown eyes."
Oh, Ted.
She's got you on the hook.
What? What?
I'm not on the hook.
Oh, you are
totally on the hook.
She's stringing you along,
but she's not committing
to you,
but she's keeping
you around, just in case,
like an old can
of chili in the pantry.
Um... Who's buying
canned chili and not
eating it immediately?
Amen, sister.
But, Ted,
don't feel bad.
We've all been there.
I've been on
both sides of it.
I've been a hookee
and a hooker.
Move past it, guys.
I've been a little bit loose,
but money never changed hands.
I've been on the hook.
Lisa Walker. Picture it.
1994, St. Cloud, Minnesota.
So, I was,
like, thinking, Lisa,
do you maybe want to,
like, go out with me?
That sounds great.
But I'm sort of
seeing this guy.
He's got
a LeBaron convertible
and an in at the roller rink,
so I'd hate to
burn that bridge.
I understand.
But how about this?
You can be my secret boyfriend
who does all my homework
for me.
All right.
You want to
see my rap poster?
Poster whore!
Anyway, Lisa Walker
strung me along for months
until, one night, I went
to go tell her how much
I loved her,
in song.
She wasn't
home yet, so I waited.
And waited.
I woke up
four hours later
covered in snow,
and that's when I saw it,
Lisa's footsteps.
She had walked right over me
and into the house.
It was the best thing
that could've happened.
It got me off her hook.
Okay, that is definitely not
what's going on with me
and Tiffany.
Listen to this.
I'm really into you.
I just can't be
with you right now.
Eh? Eh?
Ted, "right now" is the
classic on-the-hook
catchphrase.
Yep. "Right now"
paints a picture of
some sort of
magical future time
when everything will work out.
But the truth is
that will never happen.
It's like this,
"I can't be with you."
Boom! "Right now."
Yeah, I think my
high school boyfriend,
Scooter, is still
sort of on the
hook for me.
Sort of? He totally is.
The poor guy showed up at
our wedding hoping to win
you back.
Yeah. It's still sometimes
weird when I see him at work.
Wait, what?
Scooter works in
the school cafeteria.
We've talked about this.
Hey, Lily.
Nice dress. Tater Tots?
I love you.
We most certainly
have not talked about this!
Yes, we have.
I've mentioned
it tons of times.
Lunch lady Scooter.
I thought that you
were referring to some
sort of long overdue device
that carries
around those poor,
underappreciated lunch ladies.
This explains a lot.
Lunch lady Scooter
was there again today.
Yeah, did you jump on
that thing? Give it a ride?
No!
Really?
If it were me,
I'd be riding that
scooter all day long
until I broke
that thing in half.
So those poor women
still have to walk
everywhere?
Wait, Scooter is
working at your school?
Are you jealous?
No, I just feel
bad for Scooter.
'Cause the only reason he took
that job is he thinks he has
a shot with you.
You have to make it
clear that he doesn't
so that he can move on,
and a real lunch lady
can get her job back.
Damn!
I've tried.
Hey, Lily.
I saw you have
seventh period free.
So do I. You want
to run away together?
Let me be clear, Scooter,
there's no way you and I
can ever be together.
Right now.
I'll see you tomorrow, Lily.
It's Tijuana Tuesday.
"Right now"?
You "right nowed" Scooter?
You need to let Scooter
off the hook once and
for all.
You're right.
Day after tomorrow,
that's exactly
what I'm gonna do.
Why not tomorrow?
Baby, I can't
ruin Tijuana Tuesday.
Really? You're really gonna
sit here all night watching
the door
because Tiffany said
she'll "try to stop by"?
Barney, I'm not gonna just
give up on her.
I should've
given up on her.
This girl is special.
She was the devil.
Things are gonna
work out with Tiffany.
No, they're not, dumb-ass!
Ted, let me be clear,
this girl is a poison
and you need to cut her
out of your life forever.
Hey, there she is.
Oh, she brought
some of her co-workers.
Hang on to this girl, Ted.
Hang on to her and never
let go!
Ted, these are some of the
hottest girls I've ever seen.
And they all
work with Tiffany?
Yep.
There can only be
one explanation
for this.
Ted, is
Tiffany a
pharmaceutical sales rep?
Yeah. How did you know that?
And you never
thought to mention that?
What? It's just a job.
Just a...
What?
Ted, throughout time,
there has always been
one cutting-edge profession
to which hot girls,
like Tiffany, have flocked.
Shall I walk you
through the history?
I'm gonna explicitly say no.
It all started
2.5 million years ago.
Man was a hunter.
So the hottest profession
of the day? Gatherer.
Homo erectus, indeed.
As man mastered technology,
the hottest profession of
the day evolved.
I'm pretty sure
it's a hernia.
Can you check again?
And then man
took to the skies.
And so hot women
put on high heels
and became stewardesses.
I am in the upright
and locked position.
And then man said,
"Life is hard.
"I should
start taking lots
of prescription drugs."
And so,
hot girls rolled
into doctors' offices,
looking sexy enough to render
the very erection
pills they peddled
ironically redundant.
So, now, pharma girls are
today's hottest profession.
Hey, big brown eyes!
How are you doing?
I'm good.
Hey, by the way, you ditch
that loser boyfriend yet?
No, sir.
Touched my nose.
Dude, ditch Tiffany
and join the Barnacle in
a pharma girl free-for-all!
Side effects may include
loss of clothing, rug burn,
shortness of breath and sore
abdominals the next morning.
What in the world is up?
Hey, so, I know that
you've been having trouble
letting Scooter off the hook.
I decided what
you need is practice.
Now, you say
the problem is
his cute, sad eyes?
Well...
All right, shut it, woman.
Now, I want you to
look at this teacup pig,
and tell him that there's
no way that you could
ever be with him.
Teacup pig,
there is no way I
can ever be with you.
Oh...
Right now.
Oh, come on, grow a pair!
I'm sorry. But he's
just so freaking cute.
I just want to cuddle him
all day long. Yes, I do.
You know, it's funny,
I remember when you used to
say things like that about me.
Well, I still do.
Yeah. Not as much, Lily.
Not as much.
like a pharma girl party
Dude, I've already hooked up
with three of them.
Fantazmo. Plus,
my cholesterol is down,
my Restless Leg
Syndrome is cured.
I've never felt
more alive! Ooh.
Guys, great news!
Tiffany broke up
with her boyfriend.
Proof that I am
not on the hook.
Oh, you're still on the hook.
Uh-uh. Listen to
how we spent last night.
First, we cuddled.
Then, we shared
chocolate cake.
Then, well, I don't usually
join in on locker room talk,
but I gave her
a pretty sensual foot rub.
And, let me guess, it didn't
go any further than that.
Well, no, but...
And, tell me,
did you by any chance
make that chocolate cake?
It was a mix.
Dude.
There's no shame
in admitting it, Ted.
We've all been
on people's hooks,
and we've all
kept someone on a hook.
Um, I most
certainly have not.
What? Are you joking?
What?
What about that girl from the
university library, Henrietta?
Henrietta and I
are just friends.
Oh, she is so on your hook.
Absolutely not!
She totally was.
I mean, we cuddled.
Ah!
We shared chocolate cake.
Mmm, it's good.
She gave me foot rubs.
Long ones.
I'm not proud, kids.
You like having
Henrietta around
for the same reason
that Tiffany likes
having you around.
It's a nice
little ego boost.
No wonder you're
such an expert about
keeping people on the hook.
What about that
poor camera guy
you work with?
Mike and I
are just friends.
Come on!
Mmm! Oh!
Yeah, that's the stuff.
Robin, have you
ever thought about
taking us to the next level?
Well, if you're talking about
doing my laundry,
I'm on board.
You got yourself a deal.
Mmm.
What! I am not
keeping Mike on the hook!
You are Captain Hook!
Uh, dude, I'm a girl.
Okay, our girl parts
are like a spider web.
Sometimes you're gonna
catch stuff you don't want.
That doesn't make it okay.
Oh, and Henrietta's in no way
wasting her time with
you, right?
Henrietta knows
that we're just friends.
In fact, I'm gonna call her up
and hang out with her tonight
as friends.
Hey, Ted.
Hey.
I love you.
What? Do you
want a foot massage?
'Cause I've been
practicing on myself.
No, I'm good.
Okay.
I didn't know if you were
hungry, so I just threw
together some...
It's not a big deal.
Kids, looking back,
I don't know how I didn't see
that Henrietta was
madly in love with me.
Hello?
Hey, Ted.
Hey, Tiffany.
I'm going out
of town this weekend
for my friend's wedding.
Want to be my date?
I would love to. Hey,
what are you doing
right now?
Oh, God, no.
Awesome. Okay,
I'll see you in,
like, 10 minutes?
Great.
Sorry, Henrietta.
Something came up.
Take a rain check, pal?
Yeah, it's no problem.
All right. Hey, ho.
Oh! You're strong.
What a jerk!
Henrietta, I...
Wait, where did Ted go?
I thought
we were finally
gonna get to meet him?
Yeah, something came up,
okay, Mom?
I told you
there was no Ted.
I heard that!
So there I was,
at one of the surest signs
of taking a relationship
to the next level,
an out-of-town wedding.
It was finally happening.
Champagne?
Ted! Oh, my gosh.
I forgot to call you.
Well, whatever it is
you wanted to talk about,
we can talk about it now.
Um, this is Jack.
He's the best man
at the wedding.
We just got
back together.
You know, now that I think
about it, a phone call
would have been nice.
You're Ted?
Ouch!
But I hear you make
a mean chocolate cake.
Isn't he great?
And he's in a band.
Thanks.
Come on, Lily.
You have to get Scooter
off the hook. Now try again.
Teacup pig,
I don't want
to be with you.
Right now.
Man up!
Teacup pig,
I don't want
to be with you.
Ever!
Finish him!
We will never be together
in any sort of sexual way
ever again!
Nice.
Sort of
a weird thing
to say to a pig.
It felt really wrong.
Anyway, I just don't think
you and I are gonna work.
Right now.
And that's when it hit me.
I was on the hook.
I also realized...
I missed this so much, baby.
Tiffany was
on this guy's hook.
It was a vicious cycle.
Henrietta was on my hook.
And years later, I found out
this poor bastard was on
Henrietta's hook.
You know what?
We're not gonna work, ever.
I'm done.
And it's
really better
for the circulation
if you knead the arches
with your thumbs.
Now I'm done.
Marshall, I can
do this by myself.
Okay. Well, then, prove it.
And grab me a pudding.
Listen up, Scooter, there
is no way you and I will
ever be together.
Right now!
Marshall!
I'm sorry. But he's adorable.
Listen, I don't
want to be with you.
Right now.
Hang in there, Scoots.
I'm not gonna live forever.
Last night,
I was with this
pharma girl who was so hot
you should call a doctor if
you don't have an erection
for more than four hours.
Am I right, people?
Yeah, there's no people.
Just the girl you most
recently dated.
Hey, Barney, I want you to
meet the newest pharma girl.
Gladys Reynolds. Nice
to make your acquaintance.
I represent
statins and other
cholesterol-lowering drugs.
Come on, girl.
Let's go get our drink on!
Okay.
It's over.
What's over?
Pharma girls are no longer
exclusively hot chicks.
It's the end of an era.
You're being
a little dramatic.
Am I?
It starts out with a Gladys.
Next thing you know,
a few not-so-fabulous
gay guys enter the ranks.
And before you know it,
pharma girls look like
the crew
on a Southwest flight
from Albuquerque to
Little Rock.
It's over.
Okay.
So that night,
I went straight to
Henrietta's,
all set to let her
off the hook.
This is Jack.
He's the best
man at the wedding.
I'm done.
Yes! The answer is yes!
No!
Oh! It gets worse.
It's perfect!
Mom, Dad! Ted proposed!
Oh, my God!
I knew this day would come!
Oh! Oh!
Son!
Yeah, well...
There's been a...
No! What did you do?
I seriously
considered just marrying
her out of sheer awkwardness.
But I did
what I had to do.
I did what anyone
keeping someone on
the hook should do.
I broke her heart.
Henrietta, I'm sorry
if this is blunt, but
I think I owe you this.
I don't want
to be with you.
Right now?
Ever.
But we're still
getting married, right?
It was brutal.
Oh. I'm sorry, buddy.
Honesty is tough, but in
the end, it's the far
kinder alternative.
Yeah.
Hey, sweetie.
Hey, Mike, I have
to tell you something.
Wait, did you finish
my delicates?
I got one more load.
Ah. It can wait.
I...
Hey.
Hey, how's it going?
Still in
mourning over the end
of the pharma girl era?
No. I realized that
their reign had to end
to make room for some
new hot girl profession.
Maybe it'll be intergalactic
communications officer
on a rocket ship to
some distant solar system
we can't possibly imagine.
Maybe it'll be meter maids.
We just don't know.
But one thing is sure.
The future glows
like a giant sun
shooting amber rays of light
into our hearts and minds.
Wow, what changed your mind?
The realization that
hope springs eternal, Robin.
That and this little
bottle of purple pills
I found in my couch cushion.
I don't know what they are,
but they're
amazing!
ENGLISH - US - LINE 21