Kids,
on a warm March
evening in 2010,
a New York City Police boat
pulled a 34-year-old
white male
out of the Hudson River,
your Uncle Barney.
All right, kid,
let's hear the story,
from the beginning.
Well, it all started
a week ago.
I was making time at
the local watering hole.
Enter, a dame.
Nothing sexier than
a man in a fine cravat.
Except for a woman
who appreciates
a fine cravat.
How about we
just call it a tie?
You see,
a cravat is
a kind of tie.
I get it.
Anyway, next thing you know,
I get her back to my place.
Barney, when
I get in bed with a man,
my body becomes a machine,
fueled by desire and lust
and a singular
hunger to satisfy
my lover's every carnal need.
Good thing the
cleaning lady's
coming tomorrow.
Well, good night.
What? Wait, what?
I thought your body was gonna
become a machine, fueled by
desire, lust,
and a singular
hunger to satisfy
my every carnal need?
No.
You know, I really think that
Don and I are hitting our
stride as a news team.
Yeah.
Well, all credit goes
to this lady on my left.
Well, come on.
That story you
did on which rodents
to avoid on the subway...
The answer
may surprise you.
It's all of them.
I got to run, okay?
Okay.
Well, bye.
I'll see you.
It's good to meet you.
Yeah, you too.
Okay. Bye, Don.
Okay, Robin,
that guy is awesome.
He's funny.
He's smart. He's handsome.
You got to scoop him up
before someone else does.
I hope you're not
talking about you?
It has been four months
since you broke up
with Barney.
Maybe it's time
to put yourself
back out there.
Yeah, exactly.
Barney's dating again,
and he couldn't be happier.
I couldn't
be more unhappy.
All night long,
she's hot and heavy for me.
I get her back to my place,
and she just bolts?
I mean, at least,
when I run out on a girl,
I have
the common courtesy
to sleep with her first.
It's called manners.
Sounds like
she read that book,
Of Course
You're Still Single.
Take a Look at Yourself,
You Dumb Slut.
Well, it...
It's this book that helps
single girls find a husband.
It's Robin's copy.
I've just...
I've leafed through it
a little bit.
Is that right? Well...
Really?
Men Are From Mars...
Okay! Okay! Okay! Fine!
Barney, when you
were with this girl,
did she suddenly
slip the word "sex"
into the conversation?
I'm in the inter-sex-tion,
and I only have a couple
of sex,
before the light changes.
Anyway, everyone's
honking at me.
And it totally sex.
But, I can't turn around,
because a jogger slipped
and fell in
horse sex-crement.
Go on. Go on.
Did she make
excuses to establish
physical contact with you?
Is this cashmere?
Cashmere?
This is
handspun virgin Merino.
The fibers in this suit are
less than 12 microns thick.
Twelve microns?
I love a tiny fiber.
Well, you're in luck.
'Cause mine's the tiniest.
And the more you touch it,
the softer it gets.
She did that, too!
Now, here's the final test.
Next time you see her,
ask her out for the
following night.
The book says
that's forbidden.
So, she'll probably
give you some lame excuse,
like this, "Oh, I can't
do anything tomorrow tonight,
"I've already made plans
to clean my garbage disposal
"and treat myself
to a bubble bath.
"But how about
next week some time?"
Aha! You're trying that,
Of Course You're Still Single.
Take a Look at Yourself,
You Dumb Slut crap on me!
It's not crap!
Of Course
You're Still Single.
Take a Look at Yourself,
You Dumb Slut is
a brilliant book.
And, it scares away guys
who are only interested
in getting laid.
Why not just say
you have a kid?
You'd be surprised how
many jerks there are
out there.
That's why the book says,
"Never sleep with a guy
on the first date."
Totally.
"Or the second date."
Of course.
"Or the third date."
Well...
"Or the fourth date."
Would you tell me
how many dates?
Seventeen.
Excuse me,
is anyone using this?
Yep. Here it is.
"No sex until after 17 dates."
Barney, if
you're not gonna
take her out on 17 dates,
I think
you should
just give it up.
Hmm.
Oh, no. I'm not the one
who's gonna give it up,
she is.
Because thanks
to Ted's book...
That's Robin's.
It's Robin's book.
I can stay two steps
ahead of her at all times.
There's a loophole in here
somewhere, and I'm gonna
find it.
Hello?
Hey, Robin.
Oh, hey, Don.
Listen, do you want
to go out Saturday night?
Saturday night?
Is he asking you out?
Say yes! Say yes!
Look, Don, listen,
it's really
sweet of you to ask.
And you're a great guy.
Yes, I'll go out with you.
Robin, are you okay?
Um, I just
have a little cold.
That's probably
what you're hearing.
But Saturday
night sounds great.
We can even go
to a steak house.
And you can bring
home some prime rib
for my friend Marshall.
Okay, got to go.
Love you, bye.
What the hell
are you thinking?
Robin, you've
got to do this, okay?
A great guy like Don is rare.
And speaking
of rare, prime rib.
Don't forget. Thank you.
Oh, my God.
I don't believe it!
Guys, this is her!
She wrote the book!
Huh. Her name must be Anita.
Okay, my plan was to sleep
with her.
But this changes everything.
New plan,
I'm going to
sleep with her.
Boy, this girl that
Barney's going after,
she kind of sounds
like the anti-Barney.
I love how
the universe decided
to bring those two together.
Actually, Anita's going
after Barney because
I told her to.
Wait, you sicced
Anita on Barney?
How do you
even know her?
She was on my show.
But, um, if you had
to summarize your book,
in 30 words or less.
I'll summarize it
in one word, Robin.
And that word is "no."
By saying "no" constantly
and consistently,
you empower yourself
while simultaneously
turning any jerk
into a submissive,
sniveling, puddle
of a man.
Hmm. And isn't that
every girl's dream.
After the break,
we're gonna talk about
your new book,
Of Course
You Don't Have
a Retirement Plan Yet.
Take a Look at Yourself,
You Dumb Slut.
Due out in June.
We'll be right back.
We're clear.
You guys want any coffee?
Thank you.
Oh, you know what,
Mike, that'd be great.
You?
No.
What about you, Robin?
You dating anyone?
Oh. Dating's not
really my bag right now.
Uh-oh.
Did somebody
break your heart?
And then,
I told her everything.
It just came pouring out.
And by the end
of it, she said...
This Barney needs
to be taught a lesson.
You say the word
and I will destroy him.
What do you mean?
I can use the power of no
to break your friend Barney.
Just say the word.
Come on.
That stuff doesn't
really work, does it?
I didn't know
what you wanted, so
I got you a cappuccino,
an espresso,
a latte, a decaf...
Oh, hi, Robin.
And this is
a Turkish coffee.
Thank you, Mike.
Think about it.
I didn't think
I was gonna think
about it,
but then,
I thought about it.
Oh, this pilates instructor
was off the charts.
Picture Robin,
but younger.
And bigger boobs.
Maybe not bigger,
but more shapely,
and bigger.
Hello?
I get her up
against the StairMaster,
and we...
Do it.
Spoilers!
Anyway, we do it.
It's done.
Thank you, Michael.
Look, I know, it was stupid.
But you have to understand,
back then
I was still really
upset about the breakup.
I was going through my
mourning period.
There was a lot of Scotch and
a lot of long nights at the
shooting range.
Hmm. I hope those
weren't the same nights.
Geez, Lily, it's not
like I remember all
of them.
Hey, babe, did you know that
Robin was going through
a mourning period?
I mean, she seemed
fine after the breakup.
Oh, you know how she is.
She tries to keep her
emotions to herself.
But, yeah,
I caught her
crying a couple times.
She cried?
Like real tears?
But that means...
Oh, no.
And then Marshall
realized what a jackass
he'd been to Robin.
Exactly.
Barney's dating again
and he couldn't be happier.
I mean, that guy has
been active sexually.
All right, he's just
been like, bang,
bang, bang!
You know, it's like,
bang, bang, bang, bang.
bang, bang, bangity bang
bangity bang bang, bang, bang
I said a bang, bang,
How could you
let me do that?
You're my wife.
You're supposed to stop me
from embarrassing myself
in public.
I know. But that
song's kind of catchy.
bang, bang, bangity bang
Damn it! I've read
the thing cover to cover
and I can't find a loophole.
What am I gonna do?
Well, there is
one other option,
but you're not ready.
Tell me.
Well,
if you have to seal
the deal in just one date,
it's got to be one
doozy of a date, right?
I'm not talking
dinner and a movie.
I'm not talking mini-golf.
I'm talking 17 dates'
worth of romance
wrapped up into
one incredible night.
I'm talking
about a superdate.
A superdate?
Mmm-hmm.
That sounds kind of lame.
What if we call it a megadate?
If you want my help,
it's a superdate.
All right.
Leave it to me.
I'll plan the whole thing.
You're gonna
plan the whole thing?
Mmm-hmm.
I bet it'll be all
gooey and romantic, huh?
Gooey and romantic?
Barney.
take her to Paris or Peru
Uh, Ted, what are you doing?
make her understand
Ted, people
are looking at us.
Oh, God, really?
You're really gonna
do this right now?
will simply have to wait
served up on a silver plate
You'll find a land
And then, boom!
Fireworks over
the Manhattan skyline,
you kiss her...
That sounds
gooey and romantic.
Yeah.
Strip club?
Strip club.
Finally, the night of
the big dates arrived.
So, tonight's the big night.
Where's the D-bag taking you?
That's not
a good nickname for Don.
I'll think of a better one.
You know, that, I just...
I cancelled.
What do you mean you...
Wait... Hey...
Hey, what's wrong?
Robin cancelled her date.
What?
She was totally psyched
for it, like an hour ago.
Robin Scherbatsky,
you look like the
classiest,
most expensive
prostitute ever.
Oh, thank you.
I take it
you're excited
to go out with Don?
You know what, I kind of am.
Don't tell Marshall.
I won't.
I bet you'll have
a nice time tonight.
Yeah.
Not, however, a super time.
A super time
will be had by Barney
on his date with Anita.
Yep. Carriage ride, dinner
at Le Tombeur des Culottes.
They're calling
it a superdate. So...
Ted! How could you do that?
Robin just got over her
mourning period.
She seemed so happy
after the breakup.
Oh, Ted.
So unobservant.
Such a guy.
She was obviously crushed.
Wait, but that would mean...
Oh, no.
And then I realized
what a jackass I'd been
to Robin.
Hey, what you singing?
Just a little ditty I wrote
about how many girls
Barney's been banging lately.
Well, count me in
for a verse.
Great!
bang, bangity bang
No! Oh, God.
Where is she?
I think
she's in the restroom.
Oh.
No, guys, guys, I'm fine.
Hey.
Dude, why would you do that?
Because I'm angry at you!
I'm angry at me!
I'm angry at Ted!
And frankly, I'm
still angry at
the Empire.
Why are you angry at me?
Dude, you've
been a real jerk
in front of Robin
while she's been going
through her mourning period.
Mourning period?
She hasn't been going
through any mourning period.
So unobservant.
Such a guy.
Ugh, Barney, sit down.
You need to hear some stuff.
What, what?
Is she upset
or something?
Of course she's upset.
Take a look at yourself,
you dumb slut.
And then
Aunt Lily told Barney
every excruciating detail
of what he hadn't been
seeing since the breakup.
You should've seen this girl.
Bang, ping, pawdau, go-dunk.
Okay, I'm leaving.
So, we get up to my place.
bang, bang, bang
bang, bangity bang,
I can't believe
Robin's been so upset.
I can't believe you threw up
in your Stormtrooper helmet.
Eh. I did something worse
in it after The Phantom
Menace premiere.
So she's been this way
ever since we broke up?
Actually, she was
doing much better
until you decided to go on
this stupid superdate
with Anita.
And now,
she's off sulking
God knows where.
I know where.
Hey.
Hey, Barney. What's up?
I thought you
were going on some big date.
Robin, I know you're upset.
What? No.
I have never been happier.
And this Anita sounds lovely.
I am so glad that
you two just randomly
happened to find each other.
It just warms
my freaking heart!
So, are you sure
you're not upset?
Well, of course
I'm upset, Barney!
Don't you see how constantly
talking about your conquests
makes me
feel like I'm just
another number to you?
But you're not just
another number to me.
You know,
and now you're taking Anita,
who you barely know,
on this amazing date,
when I never got
treated that way.
It just...
It just sucks, that's all.
It just sucks.
Wow. I knew I was
bad at being a boyfriend,
but I had no idea
I'd be so much worse
at being an ex-boyfriend.
I'm sorry.
What can I do to
make it up to you?
Nothing, Barney.
You've already proven that
I'm not important to you.
Oh, stop that. I'm serious.
Ask me for anything.
Uh, okay,
don't sleep with Anita.
Done.
Barney,
of course you're
gonna sleep with her.
Why else would
you be taking her
on this superdate?
She's not going on
the superdate, Robin.
You are.
Your Uncle Barney
finally gave Aunt Robin
the superdate
she truly deserved.
With a guy
she truly deserved.
Of course, there was
still one loose end.
Barney.
Oh, hey, Anita.
I totally meant to call you.
Well, I'm breaking all
my rules coming down here,
but nobody
stands me up like that,
so, are we going out or what?
I'm sorry, I made
a promise to a friend.
I have to say no.
Oh. Oh, I see.
You're trying
the "no" thing on me.
You really think
that's gonna work?
'Cause it won't!
Okay, how about this,
I'll cut you a deal.
Maybe you might
get lucky after the 12th date.
No.
The 11th date.
No.
Fifth date.
No.
Tonight.
No.
Tonight before dinner.
No.
How about you?
You interested?
Yeah.
Come on, Barney!
I'm sorry, Anita.
The answer is no.
Well, good! Because
my answer is no, too!
Okay, here's my final offer.
Barney!
And that's my story.
Well, here's
a $500 ticket for
jumping in the river.
I hope it was worth it.
I hope so, too.
It's not true.
It's an old wives' tale.
Oh, hey, Robin.
Hey.
How'd the big date go?
Uh, pretty well.
Pretty, pretty well.
Like, how pretty well?
Oh, guys, guys, come on.
It was fine.
You know, it was nice.
We had a good time.
Let's just... Let's just
leave it at that, okay?
Although,
one interesting
thing did happen.
bang, bangity bang
bang, bang, bang, bang
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