Kids, your
Aunt Lily has always been
one of those people who
loves their birthday.
Loves it.
It's my birthday!
So it's a good thing
she married Marshall.
It's still my birthday!
Because he loves
planning birthdays.
Feliz Cumpleanos, baby.
The theme of today's birthday
breakfast in bed is
Spanish Interlude.
Yay!
It's, uh...
How on Earth did we end up in
the lyrical rolling hills of
Northern Spain?
Yay!
Baby, tonight is
gonna be so much fun.
Just the five of us,
black-tie dinner,
and Ted is
picking up your favorite
cognac pumpkin
cheesecake from Edgar's.
Yay!
Okay. I am off to run
your super secret
birthday errand.
Yay!
And I'm taking
this guy with me,
because I don't like the way
he's looking at you.
Yay.
A new camera.
Oh, thank you, Marshall!
I love it!
Well, a little bonus.
I took some naked
pictures of myself
before I wrapped it,
put a bow on it.
There wasn't a bow on it.
Wrong "it."
Thank you, honey. I'm gonna
get some great shots of our
little group with this.
Now,
kids, you've seen your
Aunt Lily's photo albums:
leather bound,
acid-free paper,
adorable
handwritten captions.
And most importantly,
the group shot.
Cute photo, right, kids?
But what you don't see
is what happened 10 seconds
before this picture was taken.
Okay, I wanna get
the perfect group shot.
Marshall, sit
between Robin
and Barney.
Why?
Oh, you know, light,
color balance, aperture.
You're just saying
camera words. Wait.
You don't want Barney and me
to look like a couple in
this picture, do you?
Of course I don't!
You two aren't gonna last.
I'm going for timeless here.
How dare you!
That is so rude!
It's true.
Totally true.
We're running on fumes here.
But still rude.
We hated Lily's group shots.
Okay, maybe
I get a little bossy,
but I just wanna
remember those times.
Like tonight.
I can't imagine
a better birthday
than being here, with
just my four best friends.
Yay!
And Ted's here now. Yay!
Happy birthday!
This is Amanda.
And Amanda. Yay.
Ted, you were supposed
to bring a cheesecake,
but instead you
brought two grocery bags
and a woman we've
never seen before.
Hi, I'm Marshall.
Welcome to our home.
Start talking.
Well, Amanda's gonna make
Lily a cake. She's a chef.
We met when I was
at a restaurant last week,
and I sent some soup back.
Luckily she's got such
pretty hair,
I didn't mind
eating a little bit of it.
They call me
The Shedder at work.
I'm so
glad you're making my
birthday cake.
In honor of
Lily's 32nd birthday,
I've got a lot
of great games planned,
starting with Lilial Pursuit.
Ah, clever.
Okay, who's got number one?
I do.
Of course you do.
Okay, Amanda goes first.
Thirty-two
seconds on the clock
to answer as many
questions as possible.
And, go!
Question one, what is
Lily's favorite color?
Well, she's wearing pink,
so I'm gonna say pink.
Yeah, that's Robin.
Oh. Uh...
Her favorite color is elbow.
Yellow.
I believe Ted was
mouthing the word "yellow."
Which also
would've been wrong.
This game is
called Gilding The Lily.
Nice.
Thank you.
Okay, you've all written down
your favorite things about
the birthday girl,
and, Lily-pad,
you guess who
wrote what.
"Lily makes everyone
in her life, from her
friends to her students..."
Lily's
a kindergarten teacher.
That's what he
means by students.
"... feel loved.
She makes the best
oatmeal raisin cookies ever,
"can recite every
line from Goonies..."
Lily saw Goonies in the
theater right after her
parents separated.
For a long time after that,
she had real trouble
trusting people.
Ted!
"... and she's the strongest
person I've ever met.
"I can't imagine my life
without her. I love you,
Lily."
Aw! Robin.
Of course it was me.
Come on.
So sweet. Okay.
Lily, you try to
guess who wrote this.
"You seem really nice."
Oh.
I'm gonna guess Amanda.
No, that was me.
And I meant every word.
Well, I should
get back to that cake.
Okay, let me know
if you need anything.
All right, quick,
let's do the group photo.
Everybody gather
around the fireplace.
Wait, hang on.
I'll let Amanda know.
Oh, no, that's okay.
She's busy in the kitchen.
Let's not bother her.
Come on.
Wait, hang on a second.
You don't want Amanda
in the photo, do you?
No, no. It's just, you know,
auto focus, shutter speed,
zoom.
Lily, what's going on?
Who wants a party hat?
Hey, look.
Look, I'm a bird!
Let's all be birds!
Lily! Tell me the truth!
No, of course not!
I'm not gonna let another
one of your dumb skanks
ruin my precious memories!
Lily, what are you
talking about?
Ted, you always do this.
You bring girls
that we barely know
to all our big group events.
I do not!
Oh, really?
Oh. Well,
let's just take a little
walk down Random Skank Lane.
Or we could just
keep on strolling down
Best Birthday Ever Avenue.
Do I get a vote?
Skank Lane. Skank Lane!
Hey, hey,
guys, I've composed
a song for the evening.
Follow along.
The chorus goes like this.
Christmas morning,
four years ago.
Our first
Christmas together,
just the five of us.
Oh, Ted,
here's another fun
little trivia game.
It's called Name That Bitch.
It's...
It is...
Sa... San...
Wrong. You're
thinking of Santa,
'cause it was Christmas.
Fun fact, each year,
my mother has Easter
tea with her friend Bunny.
Okay, not that fun.
Yeah, I remember her name.
It's Sara.
Close. It's Lailanie.
She just had to come
to Christmas
because you said,
"Guys, she might
be the one."
And she's not the only
"might be the one."
New Year's Eve, 2007.
Barney, Lily,
Robin, Ted, Marshall,
and "she's the one" Emily.
Robin's Uncle
Cecil's funeral.
Marshall, Lily,
Robin, Barney, Ted,
and "this-just-proves-you-
find-the-one-when-you're-
not-looking" Isabelle.
My appendix surgery.
Robin, Marshall,
Barney, Lily, Ted, and...
Well, this one you admitted,
you were just trying to bang.
Respect.
Oh, hey,
remember this
yoga instructor
you brought to my
birthday last year?
Thank you. Oh, my God.
You guys are not gonna
believe who just came in.
Don't look, don't look!
Why aren't you looking?
It's Slash
from Guns N' Roses.
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
Okay, okay. Group shot.
Group shot! Come on!
And we got it!
We got a picture
with Slash on my birthday.
Awesome, right? Right?
We were there.
We know how this ends.
Wrong!
You know what's
funny about this picture?
He was grabbing my ass.
Really?
He was grabbing my ass, too.
How many hands does that
guy have?
No wonder he's
such a good guitarist.
Actually, sorry, dude.
I thought that you were Lily.
Wait a second,
look at these
pictures again.
Barney has the
same pose in each shot, and
these are, like, years apart.
Ah, yes, about that.
I never take a bad picture.
Never have. Never will.
Dude,
there has to be
a bad picture of you.
Nope! Not one.
What about from
elementary school?
Everyone has bad
pictures from school.
Not the Barnacle.
I always
look drop-dead,
stone-cold amazing.
Unlike Marshall, who just
looks dead, stoned, and cold.
He was right, kids.
Your Uncle Marshall
does a lot of things well,
but he does not
take a good picture.
They're not all bad, okay?
Like, here.
Here, look at this one,
my eyes are open.
Marshall, no!
You did put a bow on it!
Chip and dip, Barney?
Sure.
A-ha!
Got it!
A bad picture.
Is it, though?
No, wait.
You were eating a chip!
Where's the chip?
It is physically impossible
for me to take a bad picture.
I don't know why.
Ask God.
Look, Lily,
I'm sorry about Amanda,
but I'm just gonna say it.
You are being
a birthday brat.
You're all bent out of shape
just 'cause you think
I ruined a couple of pictures?
Oh, Ted, these girls
have ruined so many events.
Or are you
forgetting Paris?
What happened in Paris?
It was junior year,
and I was studying
abroad in Paris,
and hadn't seen
Marshall for two months.
Two months!
And I had just
started having sex.
I wasn't ready to
stop for two months.
And Marshall was coming
to visit over spring break.
And at the last minute,
Ted decided to come
with the girl
he had just gotten back
together with, Karen.
Karen.
I am so excited
you're here.
I'm so excited
to go to Paris.
I'm so excited
to have sex again.
But just before
the plane took off...
Wait, I wanna
tell you something.
Really?
'Cause I think I wanna
tell you the same thing.
Is your thing, "I had
sex with my philosophy
professor last night"?
'Cause that's my thing.
And thus began the
longest seven-and-a-half
hours of Marshall's life.
When I picked them
up at the airport...
Ted broke up with me.
I need to sleep in
your room this week.
Marshall can bunk with Ted.
Two months!
My balls were
bleues! Bleues!
This will come as no shock,
but the rest of the trip
was terrible.
And all I wanted was
a romantic kiss picture
in front
of the Eiffel Tower,
which I actually did get.
It just happened to be
between Karen and Francois,
our waiter
from the day before.
Wow, that's just awful.
Just, just, just...
Oh, whoopsie,
hey, I dropped my phone.
You mind picking it up for me?
Oh, sure.
Smile, you son-of-a-bitch!
Got it!
Did you, though?
What? How do you do that?
You weren't even standing up.
The camera loves me, Robin.
More than loves me.
The camera lusts after me.
The camera wants to put on
some nice lingerie, pop in
an Al Green CD,
dim the lights,
and do all the work,
while I just lie there
with my eyes closed.
Look, I'm sorry about Paris,
and all the ruined
group shots.
But when you're single,
you gotta
hope that each next
new girl is the one.
I mean, Erin.
Emily.
Irene.
Isabelle.
And Sara.
It's Lailanie.
What is wrong with you?
At the time, yes.
I thought each of
these girls could
be the one.
But I gotta stay hopeful.
I mean, what's the
alternative?
Here's the alternative.
How about
no more random
skanks at my birthday?
Hey, sweetie.
Uh, do you guys
have a cooling rack?
Oh, drawer under the oven.
Can't wait.
You're just the best.
And, Ted, I'm sorry.
I'm gonna have to
agree with Lily on this.
I mean,
these kind of events
are hard for a new person.
That's why
I didn't bring Don tonight.
I mean,
when I lived in Japan,
this guy, for our third date,
brought me to his brother's
wedding.
Now I, a total stranger,
am in that Japanese couple's
wedding picture
for all eternity.
Yeah, Ted, I think you
should listen to Robin.
Right. Right.
'Cause Robin's
your best friend.
Exactly.
Your best friend
in the whole world.
Absolutely.
Careful, Lily.
It's a trap.
And before she was
your best friend,
what was she?
Oh, that's right,
one of my random skanks.
Hey!
Okay, yes, Ted.
This particular skank...
Hey!
happened to work out.
But she's the skanky
exception,
not the skanky rule.
Hey, I'm crying a little bit.
Okay. Hey, guys, that about
wraps up this whole
skank conversation.
Let's get back to
the birthday song.
Okay, Barney,
your part goes like this.
Lily, I bring
girls to these events
because you guys
are important to me.
You're my family.
And, hey, Robin.
Hey, Robin. Robin.
Your part goes like this.
Yes, we're a family.
So, why can't these
events ever just be us?
Like the time we celebrated
Marshall passing the bar exam.
Hey, guys.
This is the disgusting,
smelly hippie I'm dating.
Hey.
I did not say that.
Well, you might as well have.
Hey, guys.
This is Strawberry.
Hey.
Um, should we
order some more food?
Oh, no,
Strawberry's not eating.
I'm a vegetarian.
Okay.
Well, let's
all raise a glass.
For the last three years,
Marshall has been
working so hard,
and I am so proud of you.
Meat is murder!
Okay, I admit it.
Strawberry was a mistake.
But how could I have
known that going in?
Her name was Strawberry!
Look, if it's such a big deal,
Amanda doesn't have to be
in the group photo.
But I promise,
she's not gonna
ruin your birthday.
Just give her a chance.
See, look, guys,
we're all friends again!
Now let's work on
those harmonies.
All done!
I hope you like it.
"Happy 42nd birthday, Lori."
Kids, you know how
I've told you about Lily's
you're-dead-to-me look?
That expression she gets just
before she explodes in
white-hot rage?
Well, this wasn't it.
But this was Marshall's.
Forty-second?
Does this hot piece
of ass look 42 to you?
Or does she look
like her name is Lori?
Oh, Marshall, it's okay.
No, Lily, it's not okay!
Ted, get this stranger
out of my house.
I am so sorry.
Out!
Well,
Amanda refused to come back.
She thinks you guys hate her.
Marshall,
you have to go apologize.
You ruined Lily's birthday,
and you want me to apologize.
If anything,
you should apologize to me.
What are you talking about?
Ted, you bring girls
to these intimate events,
and it makes them think
that things are
really serious.
And then,
when you break up with them,
you know who
they turn to? Me.
I've been
your girlfriend
clean-up crew for years.
February, 2005.
I had just come back
from a marathon study session
at the law library.
Hey, hey, Natalie.
Where's Ted?
We broke up. Again.
Uh-oh.
Won't you sit with me for
a little while? Just sit.
Oh, man. You know what?
I've been up for, like,
36 hours.
Yeah,
but I don't have anyone
else to talk to.
Just for a few minutes.
Thanks.
And, at first, I was
completely sympathetic.
But, damn it,
Ted, over the years,
you've made me cynical.
You know what?
I'm gonna go get
us some Rocky Road,
and we're just gonna sit here
and talk it out until it
makes sense.
I just thought
we had something
so special, you know?
Me, too.
Yeah, but, you know,
life goes on, sweetheart.
I don't know how I'm gonna
put my life back together
after this.
Oh, shut up.
Well, I'm sorry my
search for true love
has been such an
inconvenience to
you guys.
You know what?
Maybe your precious pictures
would look
a lot better if
I wasn't in them.
They'd look a lot better
if Marshall weren't in them.
Cheap shot, cheap shot.
You know what these
pictures are, Lily?
They're a big, fat lie.
They're posed.
They're touched up.
They're what you want our
life to be, not what it is.
That's not true.
Oh, yeah?
Okay. Look at this one.
Halloween, two years ago.
You and Marshall
got in a huge fight
because you didn't
wanna dress up
as penguins.
No, no, no.
It's not just that
she didn't want to.
It's that she called
penguins lame. Penguins.
And yet, here you are,
smiling like nothing's wrong.
Completely phony.
Oh! Robin's birthday,
three years ago.
Robin had a cold,
and you made
her change out of her
pajamas for the picture.
And then you pinched
my cheeks really hard
to get some color in them.
Yeah, but you
looked pretty.
And then we all ate
chocolate cake in my bed.
Actually, that was
a really nice night.
Yeah, it was.
Yeah, I guess it was.
Hey, look at this one.
This is the first picture
the three of us ever
took together.
That's right. It was.
Hey, you remember
how it happened?
Okay, ready?
Wait, wait, wait.
What pose should we do?
Buddy cop picture?
Oh, no, no. What about
an '80s sitcom about
two roommates
who never
agree on anything?
Mmm-hmm.
Nice. Okay, one, two...
Hi, Marshall.
Ready for the movie?
Um, yeah.
Just a second, though, okay?
We're about to make history.
We're about to take our
first ever roommate picture.
Yeah. Hey, why don't you
get in the picture, too?
Really?
Yeah.
Wait. What are
you doing, Ted?
What if we break up?
What if you don't?
Come on.
I forgot all about that.
Marshall and I had just
been dating a few weeks,
and you invited
me into the picture.
Well, I liked you.
We have to get Amanda back.
Really?
Ted, you believed in me.
It's my turn to believe
in you.
For all I know,
she's the one.
Thanks, Lil.
I think Lori's age
has made her very wise.
They say your 40s are
when you really get
to know yourself.
Mmm.
So, your
Aunt Lily called Amanda.
All right, people,
gather around.
Let's make a memory.
Okay.
Okay, Marshall.
No, Marshall, try this.
Keep your eyes closed
until the last second,
and when I say so,
open them. Okay?
Okay, Ted.
Hey, Barney,
is that a hole
in your suit jacket?
What? Where?
Now, Marshall.
Damn it!
Ted, name that bitch.
Bertha... Bertha?
No. It was my birthday.
Your brain
makes associations
in a very obvious way.
All right,
people, gather around.
Let's make a memory.
Hey, Robin,
what's in this
dip that you made?
It tastes like cilantro, and
you know that cilantro
makes me...
Yes!
ENGLISH - US - LINE 21