Kids, everyone has
one or two moments
when they make
a huge, crazy decision
that changes
their lives forever.
This is the story of mine.
It all started with
a visit from my mom
and her long-time boyfriend,
Clint, who was always saying
stuff like...
Ted, your mother
is a very, very
erotic woman.
Please don't.
As a painter/songwriter/
volunteer fear fighter,
I find her
incredibly sexual.
But you have
your own sexual memories
with your mom, don't you?
Please don't.
Exiting her womb.
Receiving her milk.
You get me?
Good.
I cannot believe
I am with that man.
Mom, Mom, it's okay.
You don't have to settle.
There are plenty of guys...
He's so cool.
And he picked me.
Well, I'm glad
you're both so happy.
Well, good.
Because we do
have an announcement.
Son.
Yes,
my mom was lapping me.
Getting married
for a second time,
before I was
even married once.
I was so
happy for them,
so freaking happy.
Still, weddings can
be magical.
For all I knew, I'd end up
sharing a dance with my
own future wife there.
And if you don't
boil those jam jars,
it's just
a welcome mat for bacteria.
That wasn't her.
Oh, congratulations.
We are so happy for you.
I feel like
I'm 19 again.
It's like
the last 35 years of
my life never happened.
So wonderful to hear, Mom.
Son, to show
that your mom and I
will always be there for you,
I want you to have this
beautiful picture, that
I painted.
Kids,
there was no guitar.
Excuse me, Ted.
Best...
Wedding...
Ever.
Hello, everyone. Mahalo
for being here with us.
My entire life,
well, this life,
I've waited for
a muse like Virginia.
Baby,
this is your song.
her trembling bosom
Oh, God.
Kids, I swear to God,
I blacked out for
the next 12 minutes.
So I have no idea
how the song got
to this ending.
And the pancakes
Everyone.
♪ And the dragon
Guys, guys. Guess
what Robin just did?
♪ ... and true
Are you crying?
I know
it's stupid, but...
Everyone.
I'm happy, you know.
Not as happy
as I am, Robin.
Guys, guys. Guess
what Robin just did?
And then,
I told you guys
what Robin just did,
but you were there for that.
I got to tell the rest of
the wedding.
Aunt Meredith.
Kids,
I can't overstate
how horrible it is
to be the single guy
at your own mother's
second wedding.
So, Ted,
when's your wedding?
So, Ted,
when's your wedding?
When's your wedding?
Robin cried
at Clint's song.
Oh, I told you already.
Ted's hot sister Heather.
I have to leave.
Wait, Ted,
what about your toast?
Make up some
emergency or
something.
I just...
I can't handle this.
Ted, Ted, where you going?
It's your mother's wedding.
Uncle Larry, my hand
to God, Niagara Falls.
And my friends
didn't see me for the
next 72 hours.
Seriously, is Ted okay?
I mean, I know it was
a rough weekend,
but this radio
silence is weird.
I know. His mom's
called like five times
asking where
he disappeared to.
Sorry, Robin,
they're all out of pretzels.
And I know how
emotional you get...
Let it go.
Okay. Okay.
I cried at Clint's song.
She cried at Clint's song.
Hi, guys.
Ted, where have you been?
Are you okay?
Oh, I'm better than okay.
I am on top of the world.
Come on.
We're going for a ride.
Hey, buddy,
do you want to,
maybe, let somebody
who isn't having some
sort of manic episode
drive for a while?
Yeah. And where
the hell are we going?
First, let me tell you what
happened the night of the
wedding.
Watching
my mom get married,
I realized
how far behind
I was in my own life.
I just had to
get out of there.
So I went back
to my hotel room,
and got onto this Web site
I sometimes visit when
I can't sleep.
No, no, no, no.
We do not
want to know what
you and the Internet do
when you're lonely.
I didn't. I...
That's not the part
of the night I was
talking about.
I went
to my favorite
real estate auction site.
Come on, we've all got one.
Scrolled through a few
properties and...
Guys, I just
bought my dream house.
What do you mean
you bought this house?
I mean,
I made a bid online,
I won the auction
the next day, and
I got approval.
I just
finalized
the paperwork.
And was
the Blair Witch
easy to deal with,
or did she haggle
over the closing costs?
Don't even joke
about that, man.
So, I'm thinking this
room will be the study.
You know,
a place just for Dad.
I mean, the kids
are welcome in here,
if they're reading
a book, but no toys.
It's not a question
of withholding love.
It's a question of
drawing boundaries.
Whoa.
Ted, this is insane.
This is gonna take years,
and a small fortune to
make livable.
I'm an architect.
I'll find a way.
And if I start right now,
it'll be done by the time
the old wifey and I
are ready to move in.
Is she in the room
with us right now, Ted?
Okay, okay.
I know. I haven't
found Mrs. Mosby yet.
But I will, knock on wood.
Careful, buddy.
Okay. Ted.
You can't just skip ahead to
where you think your life
should be.
It doesn't work that way.
Yeah, I got to agree.
This may
be the stupidest
thing you've ever done.
Stupidest thing any
of us have ever done.
Okay, all right.
Let's lay off Ted.
Thank you.
All right. We've all done
some stupid things in
our lives.
For example,
I remember a time
when I dropped some
bottle rockets in
the toilet,
and I tried
to dry them off
in the microwave.
You must've been
drunk off your ass.
No. Too stupid
to be an adult.
He was
obviously a kid
when that happened.
A kid? How does
a kid even get...
Who puts a bottle
rocket in a microwave?
Oh, my God.
Guys, great new game.
"Drunk or Kid?"
Which one was I?
Lock in your guesses.
Drunk.
Kid.
Drum roll, please.
I was...
Drunk.
Yeah.
Hey.
You know, I'm glad
Robin got it right.
'Cause she's
very sensitive and fragile.
I'm referencing the time
she cried at Clint's song.
And even though
I'm whispering,
I actually hope
she hears me.
It wasn't me.
What?
I'm not the one who
cried at Clint's song.
♪ ... and true
Are you crying?
I know
it's stupid, but...
Everyone.
They're just so happy,
you know.
Not as happy as I am.
I will give you $500
if this just happened
to you instead of me.
500 bucks? Deal.
Thank you, Robin.
You just
saved me unspeakable
public humiliation and shame.
Hmm.
Guys, guys. Guess
what Robin just did?
Wait, you guys are...
Hi, I'm here
for the inspection.
Oh! Great.
I was worried
you weren't coming.
Well, I was actually
here a few minutes ago,
but I guess
the doorbell doesn't work.
Hmm.
Oh! Hey,
doorbell does not work.
Wait, wait,
you're just getting
this place inspected now?
Well, yeah.
Ted...
All right.
Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey.
All right.
Let's all remember that
we've all done
some stupid things
in our lives, okay?
For example, I once
tried to ride my bike
down an extension ladder
from the roof of
a two-story house.
The only looming
question is,
was I drunk or a kid?
Drunk.
Kid.
Drum roll, please.
I was...
Marshall's dead.
Marshall's dead. Marshall.
A kid.
Moms, right?
Just always making
a big deal out of nothing.
Came out of that
coma in under a week.
Hey, let's check out
the porch, huh? Come on.
I'm gonna
put a grill out here,
every Sunday, right here.
It's gonna be
a total sausage fest.
Hmm.
Sausage party? Burgers.
Right, I'll do...
We'll do burgers.
Ted, stop it.
You can't keep this house.
It's a huge mistake.
Lily, listen to me.
I had a plan, okay?
Wife, house, kids.
As it turns out,
the universe is
being kind of a wad
about the whole
wife and kids part.
So what's the one
thing I can control?
The house. I bought it.
It's not a huge mistake.
Exactly. Now,
me driving my brother's
car the wrong way down I-94,
that was a huge mistake.
Drunk.
Kid.
I was...
A kid.
Wow, Barney,
what, did you cry on
that guy or something?
Uh... You got leaky pipes.
But the bright side, the pond
in your basement is drowning
some of the larger,
slower rats.
The rest of them, well,
they're headed this way.
See, you should've
waited to find out the
problems with this house.
You can always find
problems with any decision.
But you can't
let that stop you.
Freshman year,
Marshall knew right away
he wanted to
spend his life with you.
What if someone had been
there to second-guess
that decision?
Bye.
I know we've only
been on two dates,
but, damn it,
Lily Aldrin, I'm...
I'm gonna marry you.
Not so fast.
We got some
structural issues here.
These hips are not
Eriksen-baby compliant.
And this thing right here
does not have a proper filter.
That's a maintenance issue
that's never gonna go away.
And I know
you think that you like
this gothic exterior now,
but deep down,
didn't you always
picture yourself
in something Spanish?
I recommend you look
into the rental option.
But Marshall took
that leap of faith,
and it's the best thing
that ever happened to
you both.
It was Robin.
"What?"
Yes! It was Robin who
cried at Clint's song.
"But she said..."
I know what she said.
But here's what
she didn't want
you to know.
Listen, Barney, I can't
stand all these jokes
about me crying.
If I pretend to reveal that
you were the one who cried,
will you go along with it?
Sure.
I made a mistake
letting you go, didn't I?
Your penis is enormous.
Dude, you almost had us.
You always take it
one too far.
Damn it.
All right, good news.
I think we'll be out
of here early.
Really?
Yep.
I finished
downstairs and the outside.
Now, I could keep looking
and see what else I can find,
besides the black mold,
the damaged retaining wall,
the frayed electrical wires,
the lead paint,
the water damage,
the fire damage,
the sun damage,
the broken furnace,
the rotted floorboards...
Hey, look at that,
no termites.
Ooh.
The cracked chimney,
the bats, the rats,
the spiders,
the raccoons, the hobo,
the detached gutter,
the outdated fuse box and the
paint job in the kitchen,
which is fine,
but the trim really
clashes with the countertops.
Or I could just recommend
that you do not
buy this godforsaken
Guantanamo Bay of a house,
and suggest that we all
get our asses out of here
before a medium-sized wind
blows the whole sumbitch down.
What if...
What if I already
bought the sumbitch?
Well, I will check out
the upstairs.
Did he say
he found a hobo?
Okay, yes.
There are problems.
But I see this house
for what I know it can be.
I see a swing on
that tree outside.
I see a wreath on the
front door at Christmas,
I see a grill
out on that patio,
where I'll be
barbecuing every weekend.
I see a life that I
know I can have here.
Mama.
I see a lawsuit.
Found termites.
Bye.
Hey, well, the good news is,
the inspector killed some
roaches on impact.
Hold on.
Giant hole in second floor.
Just want to make sure
the report is thorough.
Oh, you were right.
This was a huge mistake.
It's just...
Everyone's moving on but me.
You guys got a place
years ago.
Robin's getting
serious with Don.
Barney, maybe,
that's a new tie?
Thank you. Jeez.
Now, my mom's remarried.
I'm exactly where
I was five years ago.
I'm sick of it. I'm...
I'm ready for the life
that fits into this house.
That's all right, buddy.
Sometimes, people make
the wrong decisions
in life.
Like your mother.
What do you mean?
Ted, as you know,
I've always been very,
very fond of your mother.
Please don't.
In fact, Virginia and I
shared a special moment
back in 2006 B.C.
Before Clint.
What the hell are
you talking about?
I wanted to be your dad.
What does that even mean?
Don't you talk
back to me, young man.
That's why I cried
at Clint's song.
Because that bastard
took her away from me.
And now, all I'm left with
is the memory
of dropping her
off at the airport.
And that's how
you got the brooch?
Unbelievable.
(NIGHT MOVES
PLAYING ON RADIO)
Could've used a few pounds
So, here we are.
Here we are.
beauty with big dark eyes
We made good time.
Not a lot of traffic.
Stupid.
Oh, I love this song.
Do you? I can...
where the woods got heavy
Listen, Ted's mom.
I should really not... I...
front page drive-in news
Your penis is enormous.
Again. Always one too far.
Okay, all right, fine.
That last part I made up.
But the rest of it,
I swear, was true.
Come on, dude,
your mom is a cougar.
Wait, I thought you said
a cougar can't be over 50.
Okay, she's a Mellencamp.
Guys, I am screwed.
I mean, the best I can
do is level this place,
and sell
the property
for a huge loss.
Look, Ted, usually in life,
when you make a stupid
decision,
you just have
to live with it.
But how often do
you get the chance to
pick up a sledgehammer
and bash the living hell
out of it?
This is stupid.
Your mom and I
got to second base.
that you bought today
for hours and hours
Thanks, Lily.
That felt fantastic.
Aw! To Ted Mosby.
Homeowner, friend,
and if he can rent
it out, slumlord.
Yeah.
Cheers.
There's...
There's one last
thing I got to do.
And my friends didn't
see me for the next 72 hours.
He was our ride.
Hi.
Ted, what are you doing here?
I never got to give
you guys your toast.
I was selfish,
and I freaked out,
and I'm so sorry.
So here it is.
How about a hand for the DJ?
Gesture to D...
I'll skip down.
Mom, I love you.
And I've never seen you
as happy as you are
with Clint.
And, Clint,
welcome to the family.
What you two have is
what I one day hope
to find.
But until then,
cheers to you both.
I love you guys.
Ted...
I am so
baked right now.
I'm only 60%
sure you're actually
standing in front of me.
But if you are,
I love you.
And you are the best son
a mother could ever have.
There was no
logical reason
why my mother should
be with a guy like that.
And yet,
as you kids know,
being with your Grandpa Clint
was the best decision your
grandma ever made.
Sometimes, our best decisions
are the ones that don't make
any sense at all.
Hey.
Hey, buddy.
How'd you know
I was gonna be
up here today?
Robin told me.
Happy house-warming.
But I told you
last time I saw you,
I'm selling the place.
I know what you said.
I also know my
best friend,
Ted Mosby.
Look, all the times
over the years when
I've said to you,
"Slow down,
don't rush into
things with this girl,"
you haven't listened
to me a single damn time.
Your heart is
both drunk and a kid.
Thanks for
sticking up
for me, man.
That's what I do.
Can I...
Can I show you some
of the ideas I have?
Yeah.
And kids,
Marshall was right.
I didn't give up
on my dream house.
Because that's the thing
about stupid decisions.
We all make them.
But time is funny.
And sometimes
a little magical.
It can take
a stupid decision
and turn it into
something else entirely.
Because, kids, as you know,
that house
is this house.
ENGLISH - US - LINE 21