Guess what I've got
behind my back.
Oh, wait, wait, wait.
I got this one, left.
Wrong game.
But correct.
Five front row tickets
to Robots vs. Wrestlers.
Robots vs. Wrestlers?
That is awesome!
You've heard of
Robots vs. Wrestlers?
Never!
But we assume it's some sort
of sporting event that pits
robots against wrestlers.
That's exactly what it is,
according to the Web site!
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Who's the fifth ticket for?
Uh, Robin.
I know, she moved in
with her boyfriend,
and said she doesn't wanna
hang out with us anymore.
But this is
Robots vs. Wrestlers.
Robots vs. Wrestlers!
Barney is right.
It's impossible
to say no to that.
No to that.
I wish I could,
but I have plans
with Don on Saturday.
He's making me Chinese.
I'll assume you're
talking about food.
Otherwise, I have some
follow-up questions.
I'm sorry, Lily,
but I gotta give this
thing with Don a chance.
And I can't do that if I'm
out drinking with you guys
every single night,
especially when
"you guys" includes
two of my ex-boyfriends.
I understand.
You're right.
It's just we all
really miss you.
Oh, I miss you, too.
Listen, I gotta go.
Talk soon. Okay. Bye.
Sorry, New York.
I had to take that.
Now, where were we?
Yeah, yes, bus crash.
She said no?
How could she say no?
Robots vs. Wrestlers
is our most important
tradition as a group!
Tradition? We've never
done this before.
It's Robots
vs. Wrestlers, Lily.
How is that not
gonna be a tradition?
Well, this is
how it starts.
First Robin moves in
with Don,
then Marshall and
Lily have a baby,
then Ted...
Gets married.
I was gonna say was found
alone in his apartment,
devoured by his cats,
but either way,
not pretty.
Everyone's leaving me
and I don't like it!
Oh, Barney, you don't have
to worry about Marshall
and me having kids.
That's a long way
down the road.
Exactly.
It's down the road,
a medium way.
A medium long way.
I mean,
you can see it ahead.
In the vast,
vast distance.
But you're already
seeing exit signs for it.
Really?
I didn't see any.
You might wanna get
in the right lane.
I understand
how you feel, Barney.
Friendships are important.
In fact, Emerson
wrote a great poem
entitled Friendship.
You guys are
gonna love this.
"A ruddy drop of manly blood
The surging sea outweighs"
(BARNEY MAKES
FARTING NOISE)
That's how
it had always been
for me with the gang.
Any time I tried to get
a little high-minded...
You guys,
you gotta try this Syrah.
Hints of creme de cassis,
red berries, toasty oak...
Hmm.
Five letters,
blank baritone.
Of course.
"Lyric" baritone,
which is actually higher
than a dramatic baritone.
You know, there's a telling
moment in the second act
of La Boheme...
Guys, come on. I'm just
trying to add a little class
to these proceedings.
It's like that line
from Dante's Inferno.
"Consider your origins.
You were not born
to live like brutes.
"But to follow
virtue and knowledge."
Or, in the
original Italian...
You guys are right.
I'm totally overreacting
to this whole Robin thing.
What's this envelope?
Is this a wedding invitation?
Robin's marrying Don!
I'm gonna die alone!
Ted's gonna get
eaten by cats!
Dude, relax.
It's for Marissa Heller.
Marissa Heller?
She sounds hot.
Face, boobs, describe.
Start with boobs.
Who was Marissa Heller?
That mystery began
when Marshall and I
first moved in together.
Ted, we got our first
mail delivery!
We are popular.
We've got a golf magazine
for Marissa Heller.
We got a wicker
furniture catalog,
also for Marissa Heller.
And a coupon for a bird store
addressed to Marissa Heller,
or, stay with me,
"current occupant."
That's us! We've got mail!
Fantastic!
Marissa Heller?
She must be the woman
who lived here before us.
I wonder what
she was like.
And just like that,
a picture began
to take shape.
A picture of Marissa Heller,
the golfer.
Marissa Heller,
the wicker catalog shopper.
And Marissa Heller,
the bird owner.
And since then,
with each piece of
mail we've gotten,
the picture's become
a little clearer.
The only thing
we don't know is
what she looks like.
Well, I guess I'll forward
this along like I've been
forwarding along
all the other... Okay.
Oh, just open it.
It's an invitation to
Jefferson Van Smoot's
Annual Spring Social
this Saturday night,
in the penthouse apartment
of the Alberta!
You guys, that's the most
beautiful building
in Manhattan.
We gotta go
to this party.
That depends.
Does it say anything
on that invitation
about robots
battling wrestlers for
intergalactic supremacy?
No. But it says
open bar.
Revised agenda
for Saturday night.
Free booze at
Marissa Heller's party,
then Robots vs. Wrestlers.
One of us just needs
to pretend to be
Marissa Heller.
Oh, guys, I'm
flattered. But I think
Lily should do it.
So the big night arrived.
Our first stop,
the Alberta building.
Wow! This building
is amazing!
Did you guys see
the porte cochere
and the terracotta
spandrels outside?
Oh, my God!
Look, I just got
a text from Robin.
It says...
Okay, guys,
huddle up.
Now, Lil,
you can do this.
All you have to do is
look that guy in the eyes,
say your name
is Marissa Heller,
and we are golden.
And again, just so
we're clear, no accent.
Are we sure she's
not British, innit?
No!
All right. Here I go.
I'm doing this.
Hi.
Hello.
Sorry. Go ahead.
I'm here for
the Van Smoot party.
My name is Marissa Heller.
Bollocks.
So that's
Marissa Heller, huh.
She fine.
Her teeth look
really nice.
She must be remembering
to go to the dentist
even without those
reminder postcards.
So, what are we doing?
I'm getting us
into the party,
that's what.
Marissa Heller!
Barney Stinson.
We met at that
gathering for
bird owners.
I don't think so.
Wicker lovers?
No.
Stinson out.
Guys, it's not
gonna happen.
I got this.
You know, this
elevator still uses
the same mechanism
from when it was
first installed
in 1906.
Rumor is,
Louis Lamar Skullnick,
the architect who
designed this building,
carved these
panels himself.
Oh! A Skullnick fan?
Well...
I love his juxtaposition
between the North German
Renaissance exterior...
And the decidedly
French influence on
the inside. I know!
He was an architect
with the soul
of a poet, really.
No, no, no,
don't, don't.
It's working.
You know,
I have a confession to make.
We're not on the guest list.
But I've always wanted
to see the inside
of the Alberta.
Well, then,
right this way.
We're all together.
Told you
I'd get us in.
So, anyone been watching
The Young and the Restless?
Awesome! Who ordered
Soap Opera Illustrated?
Huh. Marissa Heller,
I like your style.
Anyone?
Am I to understand that
there isn't a single
soap opera fan
in this entire elevator?
Hmm?
I don't own a TV.
The only operas I watch
are at the MET.
Dibs.
Oh! Excuse me.
Jefferson, darling!
Wow, I am not
dressed for this.
One word, made up.
Douche-pocalypse.
Guys, that's Peter Bogdanovich
talking to Arianna Huffington
and Will Shortz, editor of
the New York Times crossword!
Look, let's give this
party a chance, okay.
There's free food,
free booze.
Twenty minutes,
then we can leave.
But you see,
music was changing,
and Giovanni Artusi
simply didn't understand
the new style of composing.
Excuse me.
Are you talking about
Monteverdi and his
fourth book of madrigals?
My dear chap,
what else?
That's my favorite
book of madrigals!
Smoked foie gras
with caramelized mango
and creme fraiche?
Hey, hey, guy.
You have anything
in the mini-cheeseburger
department?
I don't think so, sir.
No. Mini-pizzas?
Little cups of fries?
Any food at all
that'll make me
feel like a giant?
I'll check, sir.
He's not gonna check.
I'm performing open heart
surgery on the Dutch
ambassador in the morning.
I hope he pulls through.
Really? A colleague of mine
just prescribed Coumadin to
the Dutch ambassador.
And there's no way
she'd be on anticoagulants
if she were about
to undergo surgery.
Just... Okay.
You know who published
a great article
on Walt Whitman
and the politics
of semantics?
Professor Hammersmith
of Oxford.
I am Professor Hammersmith.
What?
Which is exactly
what Truffaut
was talking about
in his 1954 article
in Cahiers du cinema.
Film is an auteur's medium,
full stop.
Movies. Right?
Actors.
Willem Dafoe.
Funny thing
about Willem Dafoe.
His name kind of
sounds like a frog
talking to a parrot.
Willem. Dafoe!
No?
As Under Secretary
of the Treasury,
I had a big hand
in crafting that
legislation.
Now, I wonder if
you'd like to join me
in the map room,
and give my package
some stimulus.
I'm afraid, my darling,
you're too old for my taste.
Hey, Zsa Zsa Gabor is
still looking pretty hot,
but otherwise,
this party sucks.
Yeah, well,
we gave it a chance.
It's been 20 minutes.
Let's get out of here.
Where's Ted?
Yeah.
I know how to find him.
Just give me one minute.
Gongs, right?
They're louder
than you think.
Young man, that gong
is a 500-year-old relic
that hasn't been struck
since W.S. Gilbert hit it
at the London premiere
of The Mikado in 1885.
Ooh.
His wife's a 500-year-old
relic that hasn't been struck
since W.S. Gilbert hit it
at the London premiere
of The Mikado in 1885.
Guys, guys, guys, guys,
Will Shortz!
Editor of
the Times crossword!
You know how
I've been saying,
"They always use Ulee
from Ulee's Gold
"because of the vowels"?
Well, tell them, Will,
tell them.
Because of the vowels.
It's because of the vowels!
Wow. Ted,
can I talk to you
just for a second?
Hey, Will.
Ten-letter word for
diminutive egg-based torte?
Mini-quiche? Where?
Right there.
Such a great party!
Yeah, totally.
Ted, it's time to go.
It's Robots vs.
Wrestlers o'clock!
Oh.
Ted? There you are.
We'll be blind taste
testing French whites
in a bit.
It should be
a hoot and a half.
Well, I decant miss that.
I know, you don't have
to say it. You don't
decant white wine.
Miss Lily,
in the living room,
with the candlestick.
Oh, my heavens, no!
That was Edgar Allan Poe's!
Sorry.
Guys, listen.
I'm having fun here,
so I think I'm gonna skip
Robots vs. Wrestlers.
But, Ted,
you've never missed
Robots vs. Wrestlers.
No, no, no, no,
no, no, no...
Ted, this isn't happening.
First, Robin ditches us
and now you!
And for these stuffy,
pretentious snoots!
Actually, I kind of
like these stuffy,
pretentious snoots.
They don't make fart noises
every time I open my mouth.
Well, look, I'm gonna stay.
I'll see you guys tomorrow.
Yeah, come on, Barney.
It's just one night.
It doesn't
mean anything.
Oh! It means everything.
Ted, if you don't come
to Robots vs. Wrestlers,
it's the end of
our friendship.
I'll see you
guys tomorrow.
Fine. Then you are
out of our gang forever.
You can re-apply
in two years.
Marshall, Lily.
Let's go watch
wrestlers fight robots.
So embarrassing.
I forgot something.
So, Ted,
where did those chums
of yours scoot off to?
Oh! You know,
a poetry reading.
Best tradition ever.
Don't humor me, Marshall.
Let's face it,
the gang is over.
Ted's gone,
Robin's gone.
We might as well just go
our separate ways.
God, Barney, enough with
the abandonment issues.
Ted's allowed to have
a life outside of the group.
We all are.
Wait a minute.
Why are you saying that
all of a sudden?
Oh, God,
you're pregnant!
No!
Oh, God, you already
had the baby!
It's right behind me,
isn't it?
No, you idiot.
It's just...
Eventually,
we're all gonna move on.
It's called growing up.
Is that
all you got, bitch?
But can you at least
promise me that you won't get
pregnant for another year?
Can't make
that promise.
You can't?
Mmm.
Citrus and
honeycomb flavors
with crisp acidity.
It's a Sauv blanc,
Loire Valley.
Town of Sancerre.
Correct again!
Bravo, boy.
No, you can't
have kids!
You don't want to bring
a child into this crazy,
messed up world.
I don't know. The world
seems pretty awesome
right now, Barney.
Okay, Lily,
you leave me no choice.
If you have a daughter,
the day, nay, the minute
she turns 18,
gong!
Oh, God!
But, Lily, Lily, babies.
I hope Ted is
miserable right now.
â™ª Constance Fry
Constance Fry
fulfill your needs
Ted, your lyric baritone
is outstanding.
Thank you, Will Shortz.
Fine, you guys
can have a baby,
but only under
these conditions.
One, you promise
to always love me
more than the baby.
Two, once a month
I get to use the baby
to pick up chicks.
Three, that may involve
the baby falling
from a two-story window
and me heroically
catching it.
Four, no breast-feeding
in front of me.
Five, forget about four.
You can whip them out
whenever you want.
And then,
something amazing
happened.
Holy crap!
I don't believe it!
Well, of course, hell is
an interesting concept,
isn't it?
I've always loved
to imagine it
as Dante did in
The Divine Comedy.
If you'll allow me.
In the original Italian.
I can't believe this.
I'm reciting
The Divine Comedy
in its original Italian,
and nobody's
making fart noises!
Wow, this is weird.
I've never gotten this far.
You know,
I actually sound
kind of douchey.
My God.
I'm out of control.
Listen to me.
I'm completely unleashed.
I'm the biggest douche
on the planet.
(TED CONTINUES
SPEAKING ITALIAN)
I wish somebody
would stop me.
And then,
somebody did.
(EXCUSES HIMSELF
IN ITALIAN)
Kids,
I think I told you
how earlier that year
we had seen
some doppelgangers of
ourselves around town.
There was Lesbian Robin.
There was
Mustache Marshall.
And, of course,
Stripper Lily.
Well, that night,
one more doppelganger
surfaced.
Mexican Wrestler Ted.
I gotta go.
Rule number 83,
if anything that comes
out of that baby gets
on one of my suits,
I get to touch
Lily's boobs.
Dude, what is it
with you and my
wife's boobs tonight?
Hey, hey! I don't
make the rules.
Baby, are you
really starting
to think about this?
I don't know.
Well, maybe a little.
Okay. Well,
for whatever it's worth,
I think that we're ready.
You know,
look, we love each other,
we're financially stable
and honestly, I don't think
it would change our lifestyle
all that much.
Aunt Lily
still likes to remind
Uncle Marshall
he once said this.
Marshall, if we
were at home with
a baby tonight,
we never would've seen
Ted's doppelganger.
Imagine missing that.
How would that feel?
I would blame that child
for the rest of his life.
Exactly. For the
rest of her life.
Okay, you're right.
There's no hurry.
Okay, how about this?
We agree there's no
sense in having a baby
until we've seen
all five doppelgangers,
right?
Of course.
Stands to reason.
Okay, so, when we finally
see Barney's doppelganger,
that's the universe
telling us it's go time,
and that's when we'll
start trying. Deal?
Deal.
Hey, guys.
Well, well. Look
who thinks he can
just waltz in here,
and be part of
the gang again.
Well, you can forget it.
Listen, Barney, I...
Please be part
of the gang again!
I don't wanna
lose anyone else!
We're all really sorry.
We'll even let you
recite all the douchey
poems you want,
and we'll never, never
say a bad thing about it.
I promise.
Really? Because there
actually is a poem
I'd like to recite.
Friendship,
by Ralph Waldo Emerson.
"A ruddy drop of manly blood
The surging sea outweighs
"The world uncertain
comes and goes"
I'm sorry.
Someone had
to do that.
Who wants another drink?
I'm buying.
Kids,
I'd love to tell you
that over the years,
we didn't all drift apart
a little at one time
or another.
You don't mean
for it to happen,
but it does.
But no matter what,
to this day,
come hell or high water,
we still all get
together every year
for Robots vs. Wrestlers.
Good night.
Thanks a lot.
I had a great time.
Willem. Dafoe!
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