Kids,
when you're in your 20s,
dating is great.
But by the time
you reach your 30s,
you find out pretty fast
everyone has baggage.
Sure you can
stick to the small talk,
and pretend it's not there,
but sooner or later...
Oh!
It's my ex.
Sorry, we're trying
to remain friends.
Hi, pumpkin.
Did you get our
tickets to Maui?
Yeah, it's there.
That spring, I had
just started dating
a girl named Royce.
She was smart,
beautiful...
Blah, blah, blah,
we're very happy together.
But...
Exactly.
That's the problem.
Her butt?
What is it, too much?
Too little?
Or is it an issue
of access?
No. The but is,
there's always
gonna be a but.
No matter how great
things are going,
sooner or later,
it's gonna get ruined.
When she turns 30.
When I find out
what her baggage is.
It's there.
I don't know
what it is,
but when I do,
party's over.
Whoa!
Ted, please tell me
you are not impugning
emotional baggage.
Baggage is
a good thing?
Emotional baggage
is the bedrock
of America's
most important
cultural export.
Porn.
Actually, it's porn.
Only women with major
baggage go into porn.
Major baggage.
Ted, everyone has baggage,
you just gotta look past it.
Really? 'Cause
the last time I looked
past a girl's baggage,
that baggage belonged
to a girl named Stella,
and...
Oh, I'm drawing a blank here.
How did that work out again?
Here's
how it worked out.
I asked her to marry me,
she said yes. We were happy.
But then the day
of the wedding,
her karate instructor
ex-boyfriend,
Tony Grafanello, showed up,
declared his love for her,
and Stella ran off
with him to California,
leaving me utterly and
completely heartbroken.
Ted, look, what happened
with Stella was awful.
But that doesn't mean
anyone with baggage
is undateable.
Well, I'm just glad that
we met young enough that
I don't have any baggage.
Mother issues.
I do not.
Grandmother issues.
Definitely do not.
Great-grandmother issues.
I just don't like it
when she picks me up.
And you know what
your biggest baggage is?
You're too nice.
How is being
nice baggage?
Have you ever seen you
walk down the street?
I don't even know
how to answer that.
Well, let me
help you out.
Michael. Javier. Marcello.
Suzanne. Hey, Deng.
Let me help you with that.
That ought to do it.
Oh, guys, no.
I could not today.
It would just be...
That's normal.
There is only one street
where that is normal.
Here's a hint,
a giant yellow
bird lives on it.
Well, I'll be pretty happy
if Royce's only baggage
is that she's too nice.
Too nice?
That is the worst
kind of baggage.
Best baggage,
hates her dad,
and thinks she's fat
but isn't.
Angry sex on
the first date,
and then as soon as you
mention breakfast,
she's gone.
Why do you guys
hang out with me?
That night,
on my date with Royce,
I kept waiting to see
what her baggage would be.
So is spaghetti
your specialty?
No. The main event
is my pancakes.
I'll make them
for you sometime.
They are insane.
My dad used to make
multi-grain pancakes.
He's the one who got me
working in porn.
You know PORN:
Parents Offering
Recreation and Nutrition.
It's a charity
for inner-city teens
who don't have access to
sports or healthy food.
That reminds me,
I killed my brother
with this joke
I told him last night.
A barber, a stripper
and a Jew...
lliard-trained violinist,
walked into a bar.
I looked
and looked and looked,
but it really appeared
as though there was no
baggage to worry about.
Until we went to go
see a movie.
Oh, no.
Hey, what took you
guys so long?
Nothing.
Forget about it.
We were on
our way here,
and Marshall wanted to stop
and help some guys load
their moving van.
To be nice.
Didn't cost nothing.
And when the
moving van drove away,
who should show up
but the owner
of the apartment
we had just helped
some guys rob.
And that one was
hard to explain
to the police.
See, Marshall,
this is what I mean.
You can't treat
New York City
like it's the small,
friendly, crime-free,
inbred,
backwoods, Podunk,
cow-tipping
Minnesota hickville
where you grew up.
Crime-free?
In 1994, the cashier
from the feed store
was held up at hoe-point.
And besides, I like
being friendly, okay?
I'm not gonna change
that about myself.
No, don't change, baby.
I think it's sweet.
Sweet, sweet,
sweet mother of God.
He's an idiot sometimes.
He actually lent
the burglars gas money.
He gave them money?
Not gave, lent.
They said that they
would send us a check,
so Marshall gave
them our address.
What's to stop them
from coming to our
apartment one night,
and maybe tying me up?
I mean, sure, Marshall
and I like to pretend,
but the reality is scary.
Why don't you say
something to him?
What's the point?
He's from Minnesota.
His high school
mascot was a hug.
Hey, guys.
Hey, how'd the date
with Royce go?
It was interesting.
We went to see that new
movie, The Wedding Bride.
Oh! How was it?
Not that I care.
I mean,
it's a chick flick.
This one will probably
drag me to it, like the
7:10 show tomorrow night,
or 9:40 because I
have that meeting,
but I can probably
get out of it,
so let's try
for the 7:10.
What's that
movie about, anyway?
That's the
interesting part.
Hey, bonehead!
I'm Jed Mosley.
I'm the most powerful
and corrupt architect
in New York.
I...
That's gonna
leave a mark!
It's about me.
The Wedding Bride
is about you?
Yeah.
Okay, are you sure it's
about you? Because when
I saw Spaceballs
for the first time,
I could've sworn...
This movie is
about me, Marshall.
It was written
by Tony Grafanello.
Tony Grafanello?
That's...
Yeah, the guy that
Stella left me for.
This movie is
the whole story
of our breakup.
Why would
he write a movie
about that?
Isn't he the bad guy
in that story?
Yeah, and the good guy
is a guy named Ted Mosby.
Funny, that was my
memory of it, too.
But, according
to the movie...
Mr. Mosley,
your fiancee is here.
Great. The old ball
and chain.
I can't wait to make her
move out of her beautiful
house in New Jersey
and come live with me
in an apartment above
a bar. Send her in.
Ah, Stella. To what
do I owe the pleasure?
We're supposed
to taste wedding cakes
this afternoon, remember?
Ouch!
No-can-do's-ville,
babydoll.
Whoa!
Aw!
Well, I am stunned.
Right.
That's what passes
for comedy these days?
Whoa! "I'm falling
back in my chair."
Whoa.
I'm really falling
back in my chair.
Baby.
Okay,
that was pretty funny.
What a jerk.
Did he at least get
someone hot to play me?
You're not in it.
What a jerk.
No, no, no, no, no.
Tony's not a jerk,
not according to
the movie, anyway.
I'm going through
with this wedding.
I'm sorry, Tony.
Stella, your happiness
is the only thing
I care about,
except for these
underprivileged children
that I work with for free.
Aw!
I love him.
It's not that
easy, Tony.
Jed Mosley may not be
as handsome as you are,
or as tall as you are...
I'm taller
than that guy.
and our sex life
is terrible.
Once he even fell asleep
while we were doing it.
I mean...
It was one time.
I was on cold medicine.
What?
Nothing.
This is a terrible movie!
And it got everything wrong.
Remember how I
proposed to Stella?
That spontaneous
moment in the arcade.
I didn't have a ring,
so I gave her a toy I won
from a crane machine?
Oh, that was so sweet.
So romantic.
A little cheesy.
Well, here's how
it went in the movie.
Look, if it'll shut you up,
I guess we can get married.
Well, aren't you
gonna give me a ring?
No-can-do's-ville, babydoll.
Here. Put this
on your finger.
Hey!
And remember
the two-minute date?
When I squeezed
an entire romantic evening
into just two minutes
to accommodate Stella's
busy schedule?
Oh, Ted, you're
such a good guy.
That was really nice.
Also, a little cheesy.
Well, according
to the movie...
What about our big
romantic weekend?
No-can-do's-ville, babydoll.
Alls I got time for
is a two-minute date,
if you know what I mean.
Sex.
Whoa!
Aw!
Hey, if you know what
you're doing, two minutes
is all you need.
Run tell dat.
But the worst,
the worst, was the ending.
So they're at the wedding...
Do you, Stella,
take Jed Mosley
to be your
lawfully-wedded husband?
I...
Whoa! Spoilers!
Is what I would say
if I ever plan on seeing
such an awful film.
Continue.
So they're
at the wedding.
I...
Stella!
Tony!
Tony?
Something I need to say.
A long time ago,
I let this beautiful girl
named Stella get away.
And now she's
with some jerk
who doesn't appreciate
what he has in this
beautiful, wedding bride.
Oh!
What is wrong
with you people?
You can't talk
to me like that.
I'm Ted Mosley!
Did he say Ted
that time?
Stella, I promised
to make you my wife.
And I'd like to live up
to that promise.
Oh, Tony, all I've wanted
all my life was your love.
Oh, go on, honey.
Kiss him.
Kiss him,
kiss him, kiss him...
Stella, if you still
truly love me,
can you let me make you
my wedding bride?
Can-do's-ville, babydoll.
No! No! No!
Stop doing that!
Daddy!
Take that, Ted Mosby.
Okay, he definitely
said it that time.
Oh, my God.
That was so good!
I'm laughing.
I'm crying.
I know it's all fake,
but didn't those seem
like real characters?
It was just so real.
Hey, how come
you said "oh, no"
when the movie started?
That's when
I realized everyone has
baggage, including me.
Oh, uh, no reason.
Ted, I think you
need to tell Royce
the story
of what happened
with you and Stella.
It's gonna come out
eventually.
Why? Why does it
even have to?
Well, for starters, it's now
the fifth highest-grossing
movie of all time.
I don't care. I don't care.
I'm taking this to the grave.
It's a stupid
movie, anyway.
Sounds terrible.
My gosh, I would never go
and see that film.
Kids,
you know where
this is going.
Well, she's made
her choice.
Don't worry.
I won't go
to the wedding.
Oh, you'll go all right.
I'm gonna drive you there
myself and make you watch.
Billy, no! The code.
This is exactly
how it happened.
He got every part right.
Even that thing
with the nunchucks.
So I was resolved to
put The Wedding Bride
as far behind me
as possible.
Unfortunately...
Oh! How great was
The Wedding Bride?
Loved it! Loved it!
We're going to see it
again tomorrow.
Ooh! Can we come?
Ted, you wanna
see it again, right?
Yeah. It was good.
"Good"? Try instant classic.
The only thing wrong with it,
and I mean,
it's such a minor flaw in
an otherwise flawless film,
is I just didn't get
why Stella would even wanna
marry a guy like Jed Mosley
in the first place.
I mean, even that
guy's name, Jed Mosley.
Come on, Royce.
You've dated a few
Jed Mosleys in your day.
Well, okay.
But who hasn't?
He's such a type.
The butterfly tattoo,
the way he pronounces
encyclopedia.
Encyclopaedia.
Totally. Totally.
All right,
well, technically,
that is the correct...
I was so, so happy
when that loser got left at
the altar, and you know why?
Because he
had it coming.
Mmm-hmm.
And the great part
is he is gonna live
a long, sad life,
knowing that he lost his
only chance at happiness.
Oh! What about
when he got beat up
by the goat?
So funny.
What a loser.
Totally! I mean,
the guy's life was shattered
in a very public humiliation.
What a hoot!
And it may be years before
he can look certain family
members in the eye again.
He may be so
emotionally traumatized
he never fully
loves or trusts
anyone ever again.
That's hysterical.
Move over, Adolf Hitler.
There's a new king of comedy.
Ted, are you okay?
Yeah. I just think you
all might be interested
to learn something about
that movie
y'all love so much.
It sucks. And you're
all stupid for liking it.
Wow. That was really mean.
I think you owe us an apology.
No-can-do's-ville, babydoll.
No-can-do's-ville.
You said,
"No-can-do's-ville,
babydoll"?
You actually used
Jed Mosley's catchphrase?
I know. I was just
so upset that...
How do you know
that's his catchphrase?
You said it was
his catchphrase.
They dragged me to it.
I didn't wanna go.
I wanted to see
Avatar again.
All right, that's it.
I'm just gonna move to some
country where no one's seen
The Wedding Bride.
Good luck, Ted.
That movie is worldwide.
It's huge.
Maybe North Korea.
Nope.
I read that Kim Jong II
said it was his second
favorite movie of all time.
Right behind a movie of him
riding a horse in slow motion
through a field of turnips.
Sorry, Ted.
You're screwed.
No. You know what?
No, Ted is not screwed.
All right,
do you guys wanna know
why I'm nice to everyone?
It's because I don't
care about baggage.
I mean, most people,
they see another person
walking down the street
with that big heavy bag
they're carrying,
and they just walk on by.
But not me.
I look at them,
and I say...
I say, "Howdy, stranger.
Can I give you a hand
with that?"
And you know who
taught me to be that way?
A guy called Ted Mosby.
A guy who's
uncynical and sincere
and believed in things.
And you know what, Ted?
I believe that deep down,
you're still that guy.
I am still that guy.
I think you
wanna go out there
and get that girl.
I do wanna go out there
and get that girl.
Because she's
the love of your life!
Because she's...
Well, okay, let's...
We're three dates in.
She seems nice.
Because she seems nice!
She does seem nice!
You're right, Marshall.
I gotta go get her.
And I know exactly
where she is.
The wedding's
in 15 minutes.
I'll never make it.
You can do it, sensei.
Go give love
a roundhouse kick
right in the heart.
You're right.
What am I doing?
There's still time.
Do you, Stella,
take Jed Mosley
to be your
lawfully-wedded husband?
I...
Royce?
Stella?
Ted?
Tony!
Tony?
Ted?
Barney?
Something I need to say.
Look, there's
something I need to say.
A long time ago...
A long time ago,
I let a horrible
girl named Stella...
I let this
beautiful girl
named Stella...
break my heart.
get away.
And now she's
with some jerk...
And now she's with this jerk
who wrote a movie
about it and...
who doesn't
appreciate what he has
in this beautiful,
wedding bride.
that movie is called
The Wedding Bride.
What are you saying?
You can't
talk to me like that.
I'm Jed Mosley!
I'm Jed Mosley.
But, Royce...
This girl
in the white
wedding dress...
this doofus in
the red cowboy boots,
this isn't me.
this isn't you.
So, just to be clear,
are you saying that
you don't have a pair
of red cowboy boots
in your closet?
Barney, what...
Well, I just wanted...
I mean, that's...
Everyone wants to know.
They're actually
more of a burgundy.
Royce...
Stella,
I promised to
make you my wife.
I promised to
make you some pancakes.
And I'd like to live up
to that promise.
And I'd like to live up
to that promise.
Tony, all I've
wanted all my life...
Ted, all I've
wanted all week...
was your love.
was some pancakes.
Go on, honey.
Kiss him.
Go on, honey. Kiss him.
Kiss him, kiss him...
Um, Uncle Barney
didn't say "kiss."
Kiss him! Kiss him!
Kiss him!
Still not saying "kiss."
Sir, you need
to leave, now!
This is outrageous!
Who the kiss are you?
Stella, if you still
truly love me...
Royce, if you still
kind of like me...
can you
let me make you
my wedding bride?
can you
let me make you
some pancakes?
Can-do's-ville, babydoll.
No! No! No!
Stop doing that!
Kiss this.
Kissing movie's
over, anyway.
Sir!
Oh. Oops, oops!
Hey,
that stuff that
happened to me,
it was pretty rough.
I'm still getting over it.
Let me help you with that.
And just
like that, kids,
my baggage didn't seem
quite so heavy anymore.
You see, everyone's
got some baggage.
It's part of life.
But like anything else,
it's easier when
someone gives you
a hand with it.
Wow, it feels so good
to have told you
all that stuff about me.
I'm really glad
I can open up to you.
Ted, it's not
that big of a deal.
Heck, I've been
left at the altar.
Three times.
The last time was
because I blew all our
money on online poker.
That's why I live
with my brother now.
Wait, I thought
you said you had
a tiny studio apartment.
Yup, just the two of us.
You should see how
he hogs the covers.
Yeah, you gotta go.
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