Kids,
there are two big days
in any love story...
the day you meet
the girl of your dreams...
and the day you marry her.
Nice. Where'd
you get this?
Stashed a cooler
behind the pulpit.
Beer be with you.
And also with you.
Mmm.
This is what church
has been missing.
Dude, you fixed church.
Yeah.
You're welcome, God.
Nervous?
What? No.
I'm just hopin'
it doesn't rain.
Why,
do I look nervous?
Look at your beer, dude.
You always do that
when you're nervous.
It's a sad day
in New York, Ted.
A sad day indeed.
Do you know what I saw
on my way in here?
A girl... in a sweater.
And you know
what that means.
The season of exposed skin
is over.
Exactly!
Gone are the tank tops,
Ted.
Gone are the cute
little skirts.
Gone are the sundresses?
The sundresses, Ted!
I don't think I can make it
another eight months
with no sundresses.
Barney, I really...
I have to grade these papers.
I'm sorry.
I'll let you work.
But first a riddle.
What piece of women's attire
most stokes a man's desire?
A sundress.
Correct.
What lightweight outfit,
pink or white,
makes the front of my slacks
abnormally tight?
I really have
to get this done.
Of course. Of course.
Thank you.
Sundress, by the way.
Mm-hmm.
Hey, hey.
What are you nervous about?
Tell me. Tell me. Tell me.
What flowing
cotton frock...
Okay! I'll tell you.
Just... There's a...
There's a girl
sitting at the bar.
Oh!
Don't look.
Wah. I wanna see
a pretty girl.
Okay, you can look.
But just... just...
Just be cool, for once.
Oh. I'll be cool.
Aw, Ted.
You got your beer label
in a bunch over nothin'.
Listen to
your Uncle Barney.
You have no reason
to be nervous.
None whatsoever.
And I'm gonna tell you why
in one word.
And what's that word?
Dibs.
You can't call dibs on a girl
I've been sitting here
thinking about,
maybe talking to eventually
at some point.
You never called dibs.
Dibs were implied.
Implied dibs?
Yeah.
Ted, you are spitting
on the grave...
of Sir Walter Dibs,
inventor of the dib.
It was 1652.
The S.S. Dibs
was lost at sea...
Look, I don't have time
for a fake history lesson,
so I'll keep this simple.
You go over there
and talk to that girl,
I will see you in court.
And who's gonna represent you?
Dibs on Marshall as my lawyer!
Damn it!
Ha, ha! Where is
Marshall anyway?
Uncle Marshall and Aunt Lily
had recently decided...
to take a swing
at starting a family.
Tonight was
their first at bat.
I'm almost ready to leave.
Let's just go through
the checklist.
- Candles?
- Check.
Music to set the mood?
Check.
Music for when we're
actually doing it.
Check.
You know what?
To hell with your dibs.
I'm goin' over there right now
and talking to her.
Oh, yeah? Yeah?
Be my guest.
Fall in love with her.
Get married.
Just know this.
When I step up...
to make my toast
as your best man...
- Actually, Marshall will
probably be my best man.
- As your best man!
Ladies and gentlemen,
I... had dibs.
- No!
Tell me this isn't true.
I... I had implied dibs.
Oh!
The way
you've humiliated me!
I had no idea.
You have to know that.
Shh. Shh.
You're the victim here.
We both are.
Let's get outta here.
Or we could just
do it right here.
We could just
do it right here.
Let's do it, baby.
Fine. Have at it.
Exercise your dibs.
She's got her shields up anyway.
She's readin' a book.
Yeah, at a bar.
That book might as well
be called...
Are You There, Barney?
It's Me, Horny.
That is not what
"shields up" looks like.
That is what "shields up"
looks like.
Move! God!
Hey, what's up, dudes?
Fries?
Oh, good God, woman.
You're a disgrace.
No fries for this guy.
Robin, seriously,
I love you,
but it's like you have
squiggly cartoon odor lines...
coming off of you right now.
What?
Know what, Barney?
Just cut her some slack.
She just went
through a breakup.
Thank you, Ted.
With hygiene?
No, with Don.
You see, a few months earlier...
Here. Have some tea.
Thanks.
Robin, I am here for you.
Whatever you need.
Okay. Um, about that, Ted.
Listen.
I know myself pretty well,
and, um, sometime
over the next few months,
I'm gonna want
to sleep with you.
And when that happens,
you have to try to say no.
Try?
I will absolutely say no.
Our friendship
is too important.
Oh.
Okay. Maybe
I wasn't clear enough.
Um, I will come at you
with everything I've got.
I will stalk you
like the lioness
stalks the gazelle...
careful, patient, deadly.
And if you let your guard down
for so much as a second,
as sure as you were born,
I will hump your brains out.
Okay, I'm ready
to have sex now.
It was a tough summer,
but I think our girl's
been a real trouper.
She's...
Is this a Cheeto?
No, we ran out of Cheetos
last week.
Oh, yeah.
It's a Cheeto. Dibs.
Oh, you're exquisite.
You must let me paint you.
Hey, Robin.
What do you think?
The girl sitting
at the bar... shields up?
Mmm. Totes, toots.
She's here on a date.
She brought the book
because she got here early,
and she also wants to impress
the guy she's meeting.
Girls like to come across
all classy and smart, you know?
This, what you're
doin' right now...
I'm getting a de-rection.
Hey! How'd it go?
You pregnant yet?
Nope.
Okay. So here's
what happened.
I was at home
waiting for Marshall.
Hey, how was your day?
Don't answer. No time.
Look...
Um, bedroom.
No, no. No time.
Look...
Floor. No. No time.
Against this wall!
Marshall, whoa! Wait!
A big package just arrived.
Yeah, it did.
No, no.
It's a real package
from your dad.
Well, that's a little weird,
but, yeah, it is.
Marshall, look!
A bassinet? Oh, my...
He must've made it
in his woodshop.
Wasn't that sweet of him?
Lil? Isn't that sweet?
Lily?
You told your dad we're
trying to have a baby?
Of course I did.
I tell my dad everything.
My dad is my best friend.
Oh!
Lily, we have been
looking forward...
to this magical, special night
for two weeks now.
And, sweetie,
during that time,
I have been, um...
How do I put this
delicately?
Savin' all my love
for you.
I have read 11 books
on conception.
I have cut out alcohol,
caffeine and sugar.
I take my temperature
every hour.
But good for you
for not playing
with yourself.
- I feel ya, buddy.
- Ah! No, don't even
touch me, dude.
It's been like...
It's been two weeks.
I'm, like, a light breeze away
from havin' a big problem.
I'm seriously...
Okay. I'm better now.
Okay, Barney.
What's this gonna cost me?
- Excuse me?
- Your dibs.
I wanna buy your dibs.
$250,000.
Twenty bucks.
But... Can I go
smell her first?
- No.
- Fine.
All right.
Wish me luck.
Now, kids, remember how I told
you about a girl named Cindy...
how I went on one date with her
and it ended badly?
Get out.
- Well...
How are you?
Good.
What the hell are you doing?
That girl she's talking to...
I dated her.
Ooh. That sucks.
And dibs.
So you went on one date
with one of her friends.
It's not necessarily
a big deal.
I mean, did it end
on bad terms?
Um...
Oh, hi, Cindy.
Oh, hi, Cindy!
Yikes.
Well, I guess
you just gotta move on.
It's not like you have a shot
with Reading McGee over there,
right?
Ted?
Then I remembered.
Cindy had a roommate...
a roommate I only
caught a glimpse of.
But a roommate who,
by every indication,
was something very special.
Was it possible?
Could this be the girl
attached to that ankle?
I gotta see her ankles.
You're one of those?
God, I swear!
One in five guys.
Lily, we kinda had a plan
tonight, remember?
Candles, banjo...
Who else did you tell?
Did you tell anyone
at the office?
Um...
Shannon, start the music.
Can you dig it!
Take it to the hole,
Eriksen!
Sink that putt,
big buzz!
Put a pillow under
her lower back.
It helps facilitate
conception, bro.
Yeah!
I may have mentioned it
in passing to a couple
of colleagues at work.
I'm sorry about that.
But you know what?
I gotta be able
to tell my dad.
Your dad is the last person
you should tell.
The man is too involved
in our lives.
It's like every time
the phone rings...
Hello.
Lily! Marvin Eriksen.
- I noticed you hadn't changed
your last name yet.
- Oh, no. I'm gonna...
So, don't worry.
I called the D.M.V.
I called your AmEx.
- I got that process
started for ya.
- But...
Hello.
Lily. Marvin Eriksen.
I understand
you and Marshall
have been fighting.
Let me tell you
what works for me
and the missus...
frilly French undies
and a box of wine.
Hello?
You might wanna try pickles
on that sandwich.
Pickles would have
helped that sandwich!
The man has no boundaries.
I-I just can't procreate
under these conditions.
Yeah, well, you know what?
I've already told him,
so the damage is done.
So call him and tell him
we decided not to have a baby.
Okay.
So you just... you want me
to give my dad a stroke?
Only if you wanna
give this a stroke.
That's ridiculous.
Lily, there's no way
that I would ever...
Okay, everyone
needs to shut up
so that I can think!
Uh-oh. They're talkin'
to a guy now.
What kinda guy?
A cheesy guy
or a cool guy?
Oh, a cheesy guy.
Don't worry.
Aw, man.
That guy is cool.
His hair's all cool.
He's got a cool belt.
What... That guy is cheesy.
And if you think
he's not cheesy,
then you're cheesy too.
And now I want
something cheesy.
Who's feeling nachos?
Oh, look at you, Robin.
You're jealous.
Jealous?
Yeah, jealous.
'Cause she's got it,
and you've lost it.
I have not lost it.
Ya lost it.
I still have it.
I mean, I know
exactly where it is,
and I can go get it
whenever I want.
Robin, girls are like
cartons of milk.
Each one has
a hotness expiration date,
and you've hit yours.
I'm not sayin'
the occasional guy won't
still open the fridge,
pick you up, give a sniff,
shrug and take a sip anyway,
but it's all downhill
from here.
I don't have to take this.
But I do have to take this.
Okay. So you just want me
to call my dad...
and tell him that we're
not havin' a baby?
That's about the size of it.
Okay. Out of curiosity,
when do we tell him
about the baby?
We'll tell him about the baby
when there's a baby
to tell him about.
So he just gets no notice?
He just walks into
his boss's office
and says,
"I just had a grandson.
I'm gonna be out
for three months."
Out for three months?
Yeah.
He and my mom
are coming to live with us
when the baby's born.
We talked about this.
No, we didn't.
I meant me and my dad.
You know what, Marshall?
Why don't you have a baby
with your dad?
Oh, okay, Lily.
Why don't you have a baby
with your butt?
- What?
I can't think straight!
Why do you have
to wear that shirt?
This is not how I thought
this night was going to go!
Ted?
Oh, God. This sucks.
Do you think she saw me?
- Hi, Ted.
- Yeah, she definitely saw you.
Can I see you for a minute,
in private?
Yeah. Yeah. Sure.
I mean, how could that
not be fun?
If I don't come back,
tell my mom I love her.
Okay. Will do.
And dibs.
Barney, am I crazy?
Marshall talks to his dad
way too much, right?
Oh. You don't want
my opinion on that.
Why not?
If I had my dad's number,
I would never not be
on the phone with him.
Wow, that was really...
Whoa!
A hottie with a body.
Boing!
- Brief.
- No, Lily, look.
You saucy little minx.
You sundressed up.
Hi.
Fourteen seconds.
Fourteen seconds,
and already...
some ding-dong is steppin' up,
thinkin' he can get some
of this broke off.
Ho!
I... still...
got... it!
All right, buddy.
You proved my point.
Now scram.
Nice belt, by the way.
Hi.
Wow. Robin, you do
look super hot.
Oh, do I?
Yeah, you do.
Thanks.
I braced myself
for what was next...
rage, fury, a savage beating.
Oh. Thank you, Ted.
After things didn't
work out with us,
I got really sad for a while,
but then I realized
you're not what I wanted, Ted,
and I'm not what you wanted.
I'm sorry I was such a jerk.
I feel like I should
make it up to you somehow.
You know, buy you a beer
or Yankees tickets.
Or set me up with one
of your friends.
I'm kidding.
That would be weird.
No, it wouldn't.
It wouldn't, would it?
Any one of those three.
Whichever's easiest
and right nearby.
And not the beer.
I should get back.
Totally.
Come say good-bye
before you leave.
"Say good-bye
before you leave"?
Her words exactly.
Hmm.
Dude, you are so in.
That is so awesome.
A high five
doesn't even cut it.
High six!
- She didn't see us
high-six, did she?
- No.
Good. That was pretty lame.
Yeah. Let's never
do that again.
Marshall.
What? Lily, what?
Are there more members
of my family that you
wanna crap all over?
Here's the thing.
I'm sorry. Hold on.
Just...
It's my dad.
Lily, it's my dad, okay?
I love him!
And if he calls me,
I'm gonna answer the phone.
Hey, Dad.
Hey, hey!
I-I know it's late,
but I just had to call.
- How'd it go?
- Dad, this isn't...
Did you do everything
the book said? Did you put
the pillow under her back?
- Dad, I'm in the middle
of somethin' right now.
- Did it feel like a boy?
- Huh? You can tell.
He's insane.
My dad is insane.
I'm so sorry, Lily.
He's just...
He's so, um,
enthusiastic.
It's ridiculous,
you know.
Like, who's like that?
You.
You're like that.
You and your dad
both care so much.
It's... It's why women fall
in love with the Eriksen men
to begin with.
But right now,
it's a lot of pressure.
Baby, I'm not tryin'
to pressure you one bit.
What if I can't have a baby?
That could happen.
I could totally
let you down.
Has that thought
not occurred to you?
Not even for one second.
Not having a baby
would suck,
but the idea
of you letting me down...
that's impossible.
That would be
like aliens landing.
That's a bad example,
because that could happen.
It probably already has.
I saw this, uh, episode...
All right.
I'm doin' this.
I am goin' over there.
Wish me luck.
Nothing in this life
quite compares...
to the sweet,
terrifying exhilaration
of making your move...
when you just
put it all on the line
and go for it.
And that night, by golly,
Cindy went for it.
So, no, that girl
wasn't your mother.
She ended up being
someone else's mother.
In fact, they both did.
Like I said,
she's here on a date.
That was not the day
I met your mother.
The day I met your mother
was the day of a wedding.
Okay, maybe
I'm a little nervous.
Dude, it's just
a wedding toast.
I know.
I want it to be great,
you know? I want this
whole day to be great.
- It will be.
- Best man?
You're being summoned.
Oh, geez. What now?
Ted, seriously, relax.
Everything's f...
Okay. And it's raining.
Yeah. You were saying?
You didn't happen to bring
an umbrella, did you?
No, I didn't bring
an umbrella.
I mean, everyone told us
that it might take a while,
but we thought we might be
the exception of the rule.
Anyways, we're getting back
on that horse.
I mean, feelin' good
about the future.
Obviously,
this goes without saying,
but you won't tell Lily
about any of this, right?
No!
Of course not.
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