So, this chick and I
are going at it behind
the Central Park Zoo.
The bonobo chimps
start giving us
a standing "O."
And just when
I'm about to give her
the same thing... what up...
I-I...
I can't.
I just... I can't.
Guys, I know you count
the minutes...
until you can escape
from your humdrum lives
by hearing how awesome mine is.
And I love
doing that for you.
But I just can't tonight.
- What's wrong?
- I don't wanna talk about it.
Okay. Hey, you guys
see Deadliest Catch
last night?
- Did I ever!
All right!
I'll tell you.
My mother is selling
the house I grew up in.
All of my childhood memories
gone...
just like that.
That sucks.
I've been there, buddy.
What are you talking about?
Your mother still lives
in the house you grew up in.
With her new
hippie husband Clint.
The comfort of home
is a little ruined when
someone turns your old room...
into what I'm pretty sure
is a tantric sex temple.
With all the bamboo,
pot smoke and '60s music,
it's like my old G.I. Joes
are frozen in some
weird Vietnam flashback.
Anyway, I need you guys...
to come out
to Staten Island on Saturday
and help box everything up.
You expect us
to spend a whole day...
packing up
your mom's house?
No, of course not.
It's a two-day job.
Uh, pass.
Same.
Unsubscribe.
You guys are adorable.
You seriously believe
that I, Barney Stinson,
can't talk you into this?
- I got the queen
to give me a fist bump.
- No one believes that story.
You may be able to talk
the brain surgeons you pick up
into doing whatever you want,
but it's not gonna
work on us.
Mmm.
How did he do that?
So there
we were, helping Barney
pack up his childhood home.
Whoa, Ted, that thing
you're packing's way too big
to fit in that box.
- Yeah, that's what
your mom said.
- How dare you!
No, she actually said that.
Oh, dear. I thought
I told you that's just
not gonna fit in there.
Oh.
Someone order something
tall, dark and awesome?
Hey.
Bro!
How you doin'?
Hey.
Oh, my goodness.
- Mama.
- Look at my two sons.
So big and strong
and handsome.
Uh, Mom.
Stop.
And how is
my delicious
little grandson?
Oh, did he get the clothes
I sent him?
Check it.
Huh? Oh!
Ah!
How cute is that,
right?
When was the last time
you saw...
a diaper poking out of
a Dolce & Gabbana suit?
Tuesday, at work.
Some of the senior partners
are really getting up there.
So, Ted, yesterday at work,
I totally talked you up to that
super-hot make-up girl Liz.
Oh, yeah?
What'd you say?
Oh, you know,
how funny you are.
Guilty.
Handsome.
Who, me?
Incredible lover.
Really?
Oh, yeah.
I was all, like,
he knows a woman's body better
than she knows her own.
Endless waves of pleasure...
just cresting and breaking
for hours and hours,
blah, blah, blah.
Orgasms so intense
you just black out.
All that stuff.
Robin, how can I possibly
live up to that review?
What? You know what
you're doing down there.
Oh, Teddy Westside can
bring it. We know this.
But that is not the point.
You broke the first rule of
setting people up... undersell.
It's like if someone's
never seen The Karate Kid,
you don't say,
"It's the greatest movie ever."
You say,
"Uh, it's pretty good."
And then they see it, and
it blows their freakin' mind.
'Cause Cobra Kai Sensei's
all, like, "Sweep the leg!"
And Daniel-san's all, like,
"Ahh-ahh-ahh."
[ Imitating Martial Arts
Sound Effects ]
Maybe I did
oversell you a bit.
Thank you guys
so much for helping us out
with this stuff.
Oh, it gives us a rare
insight into the makings
of Barney Stinson.
Hmm.
Hey, look at this.
Who was a cute little
basketball player...
before he became
the biggest pervert
in the world?
I loved pee-wee basketball.
Well, until they
kicked me off the team.
I was so awesome,
the coach asked me to quit
because it wasn't fair
to the other kids.
That sounds plausible.
Hey, it's true.
Tell 'em, James.
Oh, yeah.
He had, like,
a four-foot vertical leap.
He would hit it
from the outside,
hit it from the inside.
He sucked.
Coach cut him from the team,
and Mom fed him that story
so he'd feel better.
Oh, my God.
Look at this.
My letter from
the postmaster general.
I still can't believe
he took the time
to write this.
"Dear Barney"...
"I sincerely apologize
about losing all
the invitations...
you sent out to your
eighth birthday party.
That's why none of your
classmates showed up.
Not because you threw up
when they turned the lights off
at the planetarium.
Ah, no one
even noticed that.
Also, Janey Masterson's mother
is a whore,
and, with gin on her breath
at 10:00 in the morning,
she's got some nerve
kicking us out of the carpool.
Love, Postmaster General."
Thank you!
- Does your mom make stuff
like that up a lot?
- Constantly.
I mean, she put more effort
into some lies than others.
Mom, who's my dad?
All the other kids at school
know who their dad is.
Who's mine?
I don't know.
That guy.
Uh, you've all
heard about...
Did she tell you
that Bob Barker
was your dad too?
No, no, no.
I heard Flip Wilson,
Bill Cosby,
James Earl Jones,
Meadowlark Lemon.
The list goes on.
I still can't
get a straight answer
about who my real dad is.
And Barney's no help.
He still believes every lie
that my mom told us growing up.
Not me.
I caught on early.
Careful!
Michael Jackson
sent me this glove
for my 10th...
Damn.
Wow. Loretta really
lied a lot to her kids.
Well, she's not alone.
Whenever Marshall
was acting too hyper,
his mom would suddenly
decide he was "sick"...
and give him cough medicine
until he passed out.
I'm pretty sure that's
what stunted my growth.
I hit 6'4" in the fifth grade,
and then I just stopped.
And then there's the most
popular parental lie
in history... Santa.
Yeah, but
that's a good lie.
Like when we tell Ted
he'll meet the right girl
and settle down.
I always find that
reassuring.
You will meet her,
buddy.
Ya think so?
Yeah.
Santa's still a lie,
and I'm not lying to our kids.
Baby, it's Santa.
Don't you want our kids
goin' to sleep on Christmas Eve
with their hearts full of hope,
their heads full of
crazy cough syrup nightmares,
knowing that downstairs
Kris Kringle is stuffing
their stockings full of joy...
and stuffing his belly
full of milk and lutefisk
that they left him?
Milk and lutefisk?
Santa doesn't get cookies
in Minnesota?
Yeah, that's just what Santa
needs at 3:00 a.m...
when he's battling
a snowstorm over the Rockies...
a sugar crash.
No, Santa needs protein.
I'm not lying to our kids.
Ah, valentines...
the second base
of third grade.
I always got a valentine
from every single girl
in my class.
Funny how all these girls have
the exact same handwriting...
as the postmaster general,
Mom...
and home run king
"Frank" Aaron.
Yeah, schoolgirls.
The more they ignore you,
pretend to hate your guts,
lock you in the coatroom
over winter break,
the more they secretly
like you.
This isn't...
Who's Sam Gibbs?
No idea.
Why?
Oh.
Mom addressed this
and never sent it.
What's in it?
I...
Hey, it's a picture
of you and me
when we were little kids.
On the back,
Mom wrote "Your son."
Okay, everyone,
lunch is ready.
Who wants sloppy joes?
Mom, who's Sam Gibbs?
That doesn't
sound familiar.
Who wants sloppy joes?
There's a picture of me
and Barney in an envelope
addressed to him.
And you wrote "Your son"
on the back.
Oh, no, that...
It says "Yourson."
For Yourson,
North Dakota.
That's where
we took the picture.
Lovely town.
We went kayaking, and you two
rescued the mayor's dog, which
had wandered into the rapids.
Then Mayor Sam Gibbs asked
for your pictures so the city
could make statues of you both.
I guess I never sent it.
That's embarrassing.
Now, how about
those sloppy joes?
If this picture was taken in
North Dakota, then why is our
old swing set in the background?
I don't know!
I did my best
as a single parent,
and it wasn't
always easy.
And I'd recommend putting
the coleslaw right on top
of the sloppy joe.
Because it's delicious.
That's why!
Can you believe her?
I know.
Forgetting
to send the photo.
That poor sculptor
had to work from memory.
Those statues probably
look nothing like us.
Damn it, Mom!
So, Ted.
Hmm?
You were worried that
I oversold you to Liz.
Well, I fixed it.
- How?
- I sent her another e-mail.
"Dear Liz, I hope it didn't
sound like I was trying
to oversell Ted.
The truth is,
he is a genuinely nice,
down-to-earth guy,
and I think you two
would really hit it off."
Thank you. Thank you.
That's perfect. That totally
takes the pressure off.
"Is he gonna rock your world
in bed? No.
But he's clean,
open to criticism
and not into anything too weird.
He's not bad at all.
Not bad at all."
See, now you went too far
in the other direction.
"I'll be honest,
the first few times
aren't gonna be that great.
He's gonna say 'Are you
finished?' more times than
a waiter at a busy restaurant."
Stop!
Listen to me.
There is no Yourson,
North Dakota.
Mom...
And Sam Gibbs
wasn't the mayor.
He might be
one of our fathers.
He's not my dad.
My dad's Bob Barker.
Barney, you've gotta stop
livin' in these fairy tales
that Mom told us.
Bob Barker
is not your father.
Sam Gibbs might be.
But Bob Barker
is absolutely, unequivocally
not your father!
I suppose you have a problem
with the Easter Bunny too.
Not now.
This address isn't too far.
Are you comin' with me
or not?
So we're doing this?
We're really gonna go
disturb the peaceful
Long Island retirement...
of the former mayor
of Yourson, North Dakota,
on a Sunday afternoon.
Real classy, James.
Real classy.
You're just too scared
to face the truth.
You are living
in a dream world.
Maybe we shouldn't have
brought these sloppy joes.
Hey, what's done
is done.
"Ted Mosby
is solid as a rock."
- Mmm.
- No. Dependable.
No. Rugged. No...
Why don't I just go
to the Chevy Web site
and copy down adjectives?
I just wanna hit
that perfect middle ground.
How about we just go
wildly to both extremes...
and just let them
balance each other out?
"Ted Mosby
is really handsome,
but extremely violent,
and really rich,
but lacks bladder control."
- Oh, damn.
- What?
- That last bump
just made me hit "send."
- No, no.
Don't worry.
I'm sure that everyone
will get it's a joke.
No, they won't.
They're gonna think...
Wait. "Everyone"?
"Really rich"?
You ready for this?
For what?
I don't know who lives here,
but it's not my dad.
Wait, wait.
Please stop.
Just give me a second.
Okay?
- I thought you said
that he wa...
- Stop. Come on.
I know Bob Barker's
not really, you know...
I'm not crazy.
I just...
I needed that.
I know it may sound stupid,
but I didn't always feel so
great about myself growing up,
and so having a celebrity dad
made me feel special.
But you're right, James.
It's time to let go
of the fantasies.
It's time to grow up.
Come here.
Can I help you?
Yeah, um...
You're Sam Gibbs?
Yes.
I'm James Stinson.
And, uh, I think
you may have known
my mother, Loretta Stinson,
in the '70s.
Loretta.
Yeah.
Yeah, I-I-I-I knew Loretta.
My mother meant
to send you this.
You're my son.
God, this must be
so hard for Barney.
Yeah, but you know what?
He took a big step today.
Papa!
Uh-oh.
Look at us!
It's like three
of the same guy.
Oh, my God.
This explains why
I was always so awesome
at basketball.
Guys, I'm black.
Sorry.
African-American.
No. I'm allowed
to say either.
I gotta go
get my camera!
That is my younger brother,
Barney.
He just thought he'd meet
his real dad today, and clearly
he's not taking it so well.
Well, my head's
kind of spinning too.
I mean, Loretta and I
only saw each other
for a couple of months.
You were two before
I even knew you existed.
And at that point, your mother
made it very clear she was
gonna raise you on her own.
I felt I had
to respect her wishes.
But I always
wanted to meet you.
Wait, Barney and James
are two years apart.
If Sam only knew Loretta
for a few months, he couldn't
possibly be Barney's father.
He's also
quite the detective.
Don't worry. We'll, uh...
We'll snap Barney out of this
when he gets back.
Or, uh, we could
just let him
have this one.
Are you kidding?
Guys, Barney's losing
his childhood home.
He finally
admitted Bob Barker's
not his dad.
And then he watched James
meet his real father.
It's just
a lot to go through
in one afternoon.
Can't we just
let the guy be black
for a day?
Here, Ted!
Capture the moment!
I think you'd need
Salvador Dali...
to capture
this particular moment,
but I'll give it a whirl.
Man, I thought I was
a light-skinned Caucasian,
but in truth
I'm a really light-skinned
African-American.
Man, try to hail a cab
in Manhattan.
Am I right?
Nope. No one's
stoppin' for this.
These guys don't understand
what I'm talkin' about.
During that afternoon,
Sam and James
began to discover
how much they had in common.
Mmm.
Come on, you know this.
Come on.
Hey! Ho!
There you go.
Come on.
Hey!
Weird day.
Hey, look at that.
Liz still wants to meet you.
That's great!
Mm-hmm.
I guess.
Wait a minute.
You said Liz
was a total 10.
Why would she wanna meet
the incontinent freak show
you described?
- Um...
- You oversold her.
Maybe a little.
You said she was a 10.
I did not specify
on what scale.
You said she looked
like a movie star.
She does.
It's Robert De Niro.
But like super buff,
like in Cape Fear.
Dad, look how fast
I can run.
He's actually
a really sweet guy,
and he's great
with my son.
I have a grandson?
Uh...
His name is Eli.
He's beautiful.
Dad, you're not looking.
Eventually the strangest
afternoon of our lives...
wound to a close,
and we headed back
to Staten Island...
where Barney and his mom
had a long-overdue
heart-to-heart.
Barney,
I need to talk to you.
Uh, me first.
Mom, there's something
that I need to ask you,
and I... I want you
to be honest with me.
Why do white people
like Carrot Top?
Listen.
I always wanted to be
enough for you boys.
I think
that's why it always hurt...
whenever you asked
about your dads,
because I was always
trying so hard to be
both parents for you.
But I was being selfish.
You deserve the truth,
so here it is.
Sam is not your father.
Are you sure?
Yes.
He's black, dear.
But if you want, I can tell you
who your father really is.
And at that moment, Barney
suddenly saw his childhood...
more clearly
than he ever had before.
I'm sorry, but your son
can't be on the team.
He's terrible.
What did Coach say, Ma?
He said you're simply too good
to be on the team.
It's not fair
to the other boys.
But that's okay.
We can just play together
in the backyard.
Why didn't anyone come?
Oh, you know what, dear?
Apparently
there was a mix-up
with the mail.
I just got this letter
from the postmaster general.
"Dear Barney,
I sincerely apologize for losing
all the invitations...
you sent out to your
eighth birthday party."
Barney.
It's okay, Mom.
I don't need it.
But it's your father.
I already have a father.
And his name...
is Loretta.
Kids, your Uncle Barney
grew up without a dad,
and it always
made him feel incomplete.
But as he hugged Loretta,
surrounded by the boxed-up
remnants of his happy childhood,
he realized he had
one hell of a mom.
[ Through Vocoder:
Distorted, Reverberating ]
Wait, Dad, James.
Where you goin'?
That's the best part.
Can we go camping?
English - US - Line 21