Kids, in the fall of 2010,
I was designing
the new headquarters
for Goliath National Bank,
which meant working side by side
with your Uncle Barney.
I love your idea about a giant
rooftop ring of fire you can
jump through with a motorcycle.
But I tweaked it slightly,
and this is still super badass.
It's now a patio garden
where you can bring
a nice bag lunch.
Sick.
Yeah.
Dude, working together
is gonna be legen...
Wait for it.
I'll send you an interoffice
memo with the rest, 'cause
we freakin' work together!
Everything
was going great... that is,
right up until Barney said...
Oh! Big news.
The board finally settled on
a site for the building.
It was the site of the Arcadian,
one of New York's
grandest old hotels.
In its heyday,
it was the New York home
to kings and queens.
But lately...
mostly just queens.
Hi, handsome.
Lookin' for a date?
Uh, no, thank you.
Still got it.
- Barney, we have to talk.
- Sure. What's up?
- Excuse me, Mr. Stinson.
- Not now, Trish!
But there's an urgent memo
for Mr. Mosby.
- ..."dary."
- "Legendary!"
So, what's on your mind?
I can't design the building.
Ooh, yeah.
Oh, baby. No, no.
Not the slipper socks
with the rubber soles.
I work so hard to...
to set the mood,
a-and when I see those,
I feel the egg go...
right back up
my fallopian tube.
Baby, these satin sheets
are slippery.
- Papa needs traction.
- Traction?
As you know, Papa likes
to get down with enthusiasm.
Please stop calling
yourself "Papa."
And without traction,
Papa's likely to boogie
himself right outta bed.
- It's either these
or soccer cleats.
Hey, so I talked to Robin.
I guess she and Max
hooked up last night.
Kids, as you
may remember, Max was a friend
of Marshall's from law school...
with whom Robin was really
starting to hit it off.
Nice! I love that guy.
Max is both his name and
his level of awesomeness.
Yeah, he's a sweet guy.
She feels really comfortable
with him.
They bonded over hockey.
I guess he has a small penis.
- But they wanna
double-date next weekend.
- Yaah!
- Why would you tell me that?
- So you'll clear your schedule.
- No. The other part.
- Oh, the "small penis" thing?
Aah! Stop saying that!
Why do you keep saying that?
I don't wanna know that.
I'm not gonna be able to
look the guy in the eye.
I'm certainly not gonna
be able to call him Max.
That's insane! Just because
you know Max has a small penis.
Gaah! Just stop!
- You are kidding me.
- I'm sorry.
I can't do this if it means
tearing down the Arcadian.
It's an architectural landmark.
Plus, people live there.
How does GNB plan to get
hundreds of residents to just
up and leave?
Snakes.
Did you just
say "snakes"?
I don't recall
saying "snakes."
Ted, I know ya love crappy
old stuff no one cares about,
but I'm gonna give you
four words to live by.
- "New is always better."
- New is always better?
You know who's
a million times hotter...
than the hottest girl
I've ever slept with?
Her okay-looking friend
I haven't seen naked.
Why? Because
new is always better.
Mm-hmm. And this theory
applies to everything?
Everything.
So, those new Star Wars movies...
those are better
than the old ones?
Yeah. The first three
barely mention the intricacies
of intergalactic trade law.
Then when you're at
a Guns N' Roses concert,
you're, like,
"Yeah, yeah.
'Paradise City.' Whatever.
When are they gonna rock me
some 'Chinese Democracy'?"
Axl's really matured
as a songwriter, Ted.
Wendy, I'd like to buy
my friend a drink.
- What's your oldest scotch?
- Glen McKenna.
Aged 30 years in oak casks.
Amazing.
And what's
your newest scotch?
Jumbo Jim's Grape Scotch.
Don't let it
touch your skin.
Your call, buddy.
A glass of J-Jumbo Jim's
Grape Scotch sounds lovely.
Lots of ice.
New is always better, Ted.
That's a rule.
- Just like bigger
is always better.
That's not true.
Uh, sometimes
smaller is better.
"Hey, look how big
my cell phone is."
You don't hear people
say that.
No, you want something
compact and efficient...
that fits comfortably
in your pocket.
And I think Max
is just a great guy.
Lily told you.
Told him what?
Max has a small penis.
Gaah!
How can you speak
of such things?
- Girls talk about everything.
- Size, shape, left-to-right
leaning orientation.
Length, resemblance
to a historical figure,
such as Winston Churchill.
Yes, that's one of you.
- Girth, grooming.
- How can you speak
of such things?
You're kidding.
Barney, every time I mention
a woman you don't know,
the first thing
you say is, "Boobs?"
Not the complete sentence,
"Does she have big boobs?"
which also would not be great.
Just, "Boobs?"
I do not do that.
My friend Lori from work.
Boobs? Damn it!
But, seriously... Boobs?
So why is it okay for guys
to talk about boobs,
but the moment
we bring up a topic
like Max's small penis...
[ Ted, Marshall, Barney
Scream ]
I'm gonna pretend
this conversation
never happened.
Impossible.
Max's penis is stuck in
my brain like a splinter.
Like a splinter-sized
splinter.
Speaking of
disappointing weenies, Ted,
tell them what ya told me.
I wanna ask
the board at GNB...
to move the site
for the new headquarters...
so we don't have to tear down
a classic old building.
I still don't get this.
Why, all of a sudden,
out of nowhere,
do you want to ruin...
Wait a minute.
Who's the girl?
- Oh, duh.
- Of course
there's a girl.
What? I... There's no g-girl.
Why would you even...
Her name is Zoey.
Boobs?
Beautiful building,
right?
Look, mister,
you are very convincing,
and I am
very flattered...
confused even...
but I'm not looking...
Not a drag queen.
But you definitely have me
rethinking this eye shadow.
Not only is she funny, hot
and genetically female,
but get this...
Look at the Palladian windows,
the rusticated stonework,
the marble cornices.
She's an architecture nerd!
A hot architecture nerd!
That's the dream.
Whose dream?
We wound up
talking for hours.
I love how old
parts of this city are.
It makes me feel
connected to history.
Old is always better.
I can't wait to be old.
Me too.
You can wear elastic everything.
Your lipstick doesn't have
to stay inside the lines.
You can shoplift
and pretend you're
just confused.
You can nap anywhere,
even while driving.
Uh-huh.
It's gonna be great.
Can't wait to be all rundown
and weathered and wrinkly.
Well, I'd say you got
a pretty long wait.
That's sweet.
It would be sweeter
if you hadn't thought
I was a tranny before,
but it's still sweet.
Aw, Ted,
that's so romantic.
I wanna fill a pillowcase
with dead batteries
and beat you with it.
Hey, Ted.
Can I ask you something?
Anything.
- Will you sign this petition?
"Save the Arcadian."
We are gonna stop the bastards
at Goliath National Bank
from demolishing it.
Will you support us?
And you said?
Where do I sign?
Hmm.
Grape scotch. Not bad.
Ted, you only think
the Arcadian needs
to be saved...
because some pretty girl
thinks that.
And, seriously, boobs?
This isn't about the girl.
It's about the building.
And what did
this "Zoey" say...
when she found out that
you're the one tearing down
her beloved Arcadian,
that you, Ted Mosby,
are the architect
of destruction?
Whoa. Sweet
wrestling name alert.
Well, uh, it's a...
it's a funny thing
about that.
So, what do you do, Ted?
I'm a veterinarian.
What? I panicked!
This whole Arcadian thing
is classic Mosby.
Changing your personality
to fit some girl.
I don't do that.
Well, off to meet Steph.
We're adrenaline junkies.
Ba-dum-bum.
Penelope's taking me to
the Battle of Gettysburg.
We're gonna eat squirrel.
Look, she's really hot,
okay?
Oh!
Come on! Come on!
We all change a little
for whoever we're into.
Barney pretended
to be a rabbi
to get laid.
Asian girls
love them some Jews.
And Marshall never would've
listened to the Indigo Girls
if it weren't for Lily.
Um, I think you got that
backwards there, chief.
And you're welcome.
The point is, you weren't
pretending to like the Indigo
Girls for the other person.
You realized you liked them
because of the other person.
Just like me,
Zoey and the Arcadian.
Did GNB really put snakes
in the Arcadian?
No.
Technically,
they were eggs.
Did you just say...
I don't recall
saying "eggs."
So, I walk into
my boss's office,
and suddenly
I realize, "Holy crap.
I'm about to quit."
Small penis.
You have a small penis.
Oh, that's super interesting,
but you have a small penis.
Damn it, Marshall!
Okay, okay.
Think of any two words
other than "small" or "penis."
Got it. Small penis.
Damn it!
Yeah, I think it is so cool
that you started
your own law firm.
Well, right now
it's a pretty small
practice.
Hey. Hey.
I'll bet
it's not that small.
Bro, it's pretty small.
But you know what they say.
The important thing
is how you use it.
You know,
"the motion of the ocean."
That whole thing.
He said it's small, Marshall,
and everybody's fine with that.
Let's just move on.
I'm just saying that I bet
it's bigger than he thinks.
- And thick.
- No. Everything
about it is tiny.
The office is tiny.
The conference room is tiny.
Plus, I got
a very small staff.
Let's order!
As I was mustering
the courage to call Zoey...
and tell her
my true identity...
"Zoey. I'm Batman."
That'd be cool.
The strangest thing happened.
I need your help.
Just to warn you,
what I'm about to show you
is not a hundred percent legal.
Wasn't expecting bunnies.
I stole 'em, Ted.
My animal rights group
liberated these guys from
an evil cosmetics company,
and I figured,
"Hey, Ted's a vet.
He can check them out
and make sure they're okay."
Absolutely. Just let me run up
and get my bag of vet supplies.
Okay.
Why would I say that?
Well, I know
what I'm getting.
- What?
- The porterhouse.
I've had it here before.
It is like this. It's huge.
Well, spare no expense, buddy.
Dinner is on me.
And... And get dessert.
Maybe this molten chocolate
lava cake?
I just want you to be happy.
Thanks, man.
Next time, it is on me.
- Aw.
- Excuse me.
I'll be right back.
- All right.
Totally.
We'll just be here.
You're great.
Uh...
Thanks, bro.
It's, uh...
It's goin' on a while.
I know.
Thanks.
Damn, baby. Be cool.
- You're acting like
he has six months to live.
- It's your fault.
You ladies and your
salty sailor talk.
Oh, come on! What about you men
and your locker room talk?
"Locker room talk."
Do you wanna know what it's
like in a men's locker room?
Hey.
It's just a bunch
of uncomfortable dudes...
trying to get out of there
as quickly as possible.
And one old guy
just lettin' it all hang out.
Are you suggesting that guys
don't talk about sex?
Yes, we do,
but you know what we say?
"I hit that."
"I got some."
"I tapped it."
"I squeezed those."
- Discreet and efficient.
- Not to mention classy.
Thank God
that I'm not dating.
If I thought that Lily
talked in that much detail
about our sex life,
I'd probably kill myself.
Oh, no.
What did you tell her?
I told her nothing.
We don't talk about you.
Are you sure?
Yeah! That argument
has no traction whatsoever.
Wait. You just broke in and
stole these guys? Aren't you
worried about getting arrested?
Nah, I've been arrested
lots of times.
"Chinese Democracy"!
Wow.
You're a little bit crazy.
Well, I'm usually crazy
for a good cause.
I can't just sit by
while voiceless people...
or animals or even buildings
get screwed over.
I'm certainly not gonna just sit
by while GNB turns the Arcadian
into a soulless metal box.
Yeah. Yeah.
Although I hear there's
a lovely rooftop patio...
where folks can enjoy
a nice bag lunch.
Ted, I will find the bastards
at GNB responsible for this,
and I promise you,
I will take... them... down.
Cuckoo!
Ted, this woman
is an anarchist,
a sociopath, a lunatic.
And, for the love of God,
boobs?
Solid "C" cup,
perky bounce.
Momentary grudging respect.
Zoey does what she
believes is right, and I
wanna do the same thing.
We have to find a new site
for this building.
Ted, that is never
gonna happen.
Well, I can't tear down
the Arcadian.
I'm sorry,
but I'm off the project.
- Hey, guys, I appreciate
the great turnout,
but just so we're all
on the same page, this is not
a rally to legalize marijuana.
Aw, bummer.
- Hey.
- Hey, Ted!
I'm so glad you came.
Well, you really
got to me the other night.
I wanna get involved
with "Save the Arcadian."
Great.
I'll grab you
a picket sign.
Hmm.
Do you want
"GNB puts the 'douche'
in 'fiduciary'"...
or "It's always
4:20 somewhere"?
Dudes,
you forgot your signs!
As I looked up at that
magnificent old structure,
I realized
I wasn't letting my feelings
for Zoey mislead me.
This building really
was worth saving.
Ted, everything okay?
Yeah, um... Uh...
You work for GNB?
Dude, why are you dressed
like a wizard?
She was really hot, okay?
- How the hell could you
do that?
Simple. I rented the chair.
The bunny was here already.
That was lucky.
I waited to do the dramatic
swivel until I heard your key
enter the door...
- The billboard, Barney.
- I had to.
Now that you have no shot
with the girl, you realize you
never cared about the building,
and everything
can go back to normal.
You're wrong. I do care.
And I'm still quitting.
Don't you get it, Ted?
We're tearing down
the Arcadian either way.
It's a stupid, old,
piece-of-crap, rundown,
snake-infested dump.
Okay. Are there
or aren't there snakes?
Who mentioned snakes?
And stop shouting.
You're scaring Cottontail.
You named the rabbit?
You took longer to get here
than I thought.
We bonded.
I'm keeping her.
The point is, you now
have a chance to design
your own building.
Dude, you can do
whatever you want with it.
You're right. You're right.
I can design it however I want.
So, you're back in?
Yeah.
That night, as I worked
on a new design...
that just might solve
all my problems,
Marshall was visited
by a disturbing vision.
Ugh, he thinks
I like this,
but it feels
disgusting.
Uh, it looks disgusting.
Um... Uh, is this
workin' for you?
"Uh, is this
workin' for you?"
Oh, of course, because
what woman doesn't like
being slobbered on...
while some giant paws
at her nether regions...
like Lennie from
Of Mice and Men?
Oh, you're bad!
More cosmos?
Mmm.
I can't... I can't do this!
I can't stop thinking
about you and Robin!
Well, I've had that
a couple times.
Just lean into it
and let it fuel things.
Look... No.
You know what?
Why don't you just...
Why don't you just
call Robin, okay,
and have a good laugh
about it?
Traction could've
prevented that.
Well, hope you don't mind
we made some changes
to the billboard.
Well, that explains
a few voice mails.
Listen, Zoey, I think
we can save the Arcadian.
No, maybe not in the way
you were picturing,
but I stayed up all night
working on a new concept,
okay?
What if my design
could incorporate
the Arcadian's facade...
into the new
GNB headquarters?
Kids, it was one of
those moments in life...
where everything
comes together... the girl,
the building, everything.
Until...
Are you married?
Yeah.
So you're saying the facade
will be completely preserved?
This isn't about the girl.
It's about the building.
Yeah, it was about the girl.
- Ted?
What... What are you doing?
This wouldn't work.
Zoey, the Arcadian
was a really great
building once,
but it's falling apart,
and it's full of snakes.
Snakes?
I don't recall
saying "snakes."
Then he gets this panicked
look on his face,
says, "I can't do this"
and storms out.
- Wow, that is weird.
- But here's the crazier part.
No! You know what?
Papa don't back down
from a fight.
So why don't you tell Robin
about this!
It was amazing.
He was passionate,
animalistic,
a complete stud.
Wow!
- So he's right there
making you say all this, huh?
- Yep.
"'You're like a Greek god,'
I moaned, as the"...
- I can't read that, baby.
- Musky scent of man.
"As the musky scent of man...
and Marshall's
sure-footed traction...
intoxicated
and overpowered me."
That sounds real.
And as for Zoey,
it was funny.
I'd lied to her
and completely let her down,
and I barely knew the girl.
But there was
something about her.
I couldn't help but wonder
if I'd ever see her again.
Hey, Mosby!
You're gonna have to come out
of your hole at some point,
you son of a bitch!
- Yeah. Legalize it!
- Dude!
Ready, aim, fire!
Why, yes. Yes, I would
see her again.
Hey.
- How's it goin' with Robin?
- Uh, I think I have
to break up with her.
You with her?
Why?
Yeah, well, there's this...
kind of weird thing
she likes to do
in the bedroom.
Just... makes me
uncomfortable.
- I get it.
- Yeah, that is not
for everyone.
Okay. What's not
for everyone?
Guys, come on!
What is it?
Come on, bro.
It's a locker room.
I...
What do you think
it was, Murray?
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