Kids, in the fall of 2010,
our friends Stuart and Claudia
had a baby,
and Lily and Marshall
were the first to visit
the happy new parents.
So, have you guys
landed on a name yet?
We're tryin',
but it's tougher than you think.
See, I like Tiffany.
And I don't
want my daughter
to have a whore's name.
That's my mother's name.
I know.
Oh, I got it!
How about we name
the baby after you...
Frigid Shrew.
Oh! That's good.
No, no, no.
Let's call her Vodka.
Then at least we know
you'll hold her tight
and never let her go.
Don't knock the vodka.
Wouldn't have a kid
without it.
Oh, that's, Stuart...
You are so...
That's not gonna be us,
right?
I mean, how hard can it be
to name a baby?
Right?
Just look at her.
She's clearly a...
Lisa.
Emily.
Emily?
Lisa?
Uh-oh.
Okay! I made a list
of awesome baby names.
Starting at the top,
number one...
I'm gonna stop you
right there, Marshall.
You name a chubby white kid
LeBron,
and he's the one
getting stuffed
in the basketball hoop.
Then I'm also crossing off,
um, Shaquille...
Mm-hmm.
Hakeem and Dikembe.
Wait. What about Rob?
Rob? No.
Why not?
Hey, Rob. What are you
gonna make... a turkey?
Hunka, hunka!
Not Rob.
Um, how about Ryan?
Not Ryan.
Johnny?
Hey, where's the goldfish?
Not Johnny.
Or Gil.
Jeremy.
Jeremy, no!
Definitely not Jeremy.
His stuff was so derivative.
Well, I mean...
Geez, Lily.
Well, whatever you do, do not
name your baby Becky. Right?
Why? What...
Becky. My new co-anchor.
Wait, don't you guys
ever watch the show?
We really try.
Our DVR won't recognize it
as a television program.
I watched.
Robin insisted I confirm
how "awful" Becky is...
Mm-hmm.
so last night
I checked it out.
Peace talks in the region...
have been described
as productive.
Becky.
Last night
in Staten Island,
a taco cart owner
was robbed at gunpoint.
Oh! That's so sad.
Becky, we're...
we're journalists.
We can't get emotional
about the news we...
Oh, no!
They stole all his money
and then pelted him
with his own taco meat!
Who would do that?
Well, if you
read this story,
we might find out.
Oh. Can I do this one
about the horse?
I love horsies.
Mm-hmm.
Oh! The horse died.
Guys, this news
is all really sad.
Okay, no holds barred.
What'd you think of Becky?
Mmm.
- I thought
she was charming.
- You too?
Can somebody please explain
to me why the "little girl" act
works on men?
Want the long version
or the short version?
Short version.
Short version...
- Who's your daddy?
You know,
when you think about that,
that phrase is really creepy.
No, it's not. It's fun.
Here, watch this.
Hey, Lily,
who's your daddy?
Okay, uh,
let me get this straight.
So in this scenario,
because you make
such sweet love to Lily,
she is now your daughter?
No, she is not my daughter.
I'm just... her daddy.
Wow, that is disgusting.
Exactly. It's not like
the opposite will work.
There's no way a guy could
pick up a girl going around
talking like a little boy.
Challenge accepted.
No.
I, Barney Stinson,
will pick up a girl whilst
talking like a little boy.
It'll never work.
Okay, here's my list
of baby names.
Oh.
- What about Tara?
- No.
Not Tara.
Tara was the hottest girl
in my high school.
We were all, like,
obsessed with her.
We didn't just talk about her
and fantasize about her.
We wrote songs about her.
Not Tara.
What about Esther?
Gentlemen, gentlemen.
On the main stage,
give it up for Esther!
Oh, oh.
Hey, Barney, that prime rib
was surprisingly good,
but it's 10:30
in the morning.
I don't need to see a lady
get naked and dance.
Oh, Esther gets naked,
but she doesn't dance.
Then what does she do?
Sweet Mother Nature!
That was my card.
Gentlemen, gentlemen.
Give it up for Esther!
Not Esther.
I need a drink.
Ted? Hmm? Ted?
Marshall, your list
is entirely boy names.
You do realize
there's roughly a 50% chance
of you having a daughter, right?
Okay, honestly,
I've never thought
about having a girl.
I don't want to think
about having a girl.
Tara, Esther...
can you imagine being one
of those girls' dads?
Gentlemen, gentlemen.
On the main stage,
give it up
for Marshall's daughter.
He screwed up my childhood.
That's why I do this.
I have no idea
how to raise a daughter.
What if she makes bad choices?
I mean, what if she ends up
dating some...
Oh, God.
Papa, I want you
to meet my new boyfriend.
Hey, bro.
Thanks for makin'
such a hottie.
Who's your daddy?
You are... 'cause of all
the sex we have!
I don't want a girl.
I just want a little boy.
It's not what
it sounds like, folks.
Hey, Mom. Hey, Dad.
Marshall, is that you?
Oh, okay, you guys,
you're a little too close
to the camera.
Can you back up a bit?
How's this?
Every time.
Um, can you just sit
in front of the computer
like normal human beings?
Perfect. Perfect.
What's up, Shooter?
To be honest, I'm getting
a little freaked out...
about the idea
of having a daughter.
I know you two probably
aren't the right people
to talk to about this.
- You had all boys.
- Oh, well, that...
that was just dumb luck.
Uh, hey, honey,
would you get me a brewski
from outta the shed?
Sure.
You want anything, Marshall?
I'm in a computer, Mom.
Oh.
Yeah, all boys.
Total coinkydink.
It was no coinkydink.
Since the Viking age,
the Eriksen men have
passed down ancient secrets
for conceiving boys.
Number one: Avoid lemons.
They're baby girl fertilizer.
Okay, no offense, Dad,
but I doubt there's
any scientific data
to support...
"I doubt there's any
scientific data to support"...
I had all sons!
Your grandfather had all sons.
Your great-grandfather
had all sons.
Scoreboard!
Who you gonna listen to...
me or the scientific data?
Members of the G-8
convened today in Vienna...
to discuss plans
to fight climate change,
by which...
What?
Ask me
what I did yesterday.
Hey, Becky.
Becky, this is
our news segment, okay?
Nobody cares
what you did yesterday.
Lighten up, Robin.
What'd you do, sweetheart?
Mike?
Well, I'm new in town
and don't know many people,
but yesterday
I met the sweetest man...
who took me on a tour
of the city.
Guys, New York is kinda cool.
Okay. Back to the G-8
conference.
Hello?
Mike? Can I
get in the shot?
Fantastic.
Then, this cutie patootie...
took me to this bar
called MacLaren's
right underneath his apartment.
Wait. Did you go out
with Ted Mosby?
Yes!
Guys, I went out
with Robin's roommate.
I saw her bedroom.
She's a messy Bessie.
In other news,
later today
a Manhattan architect
gets punched in the throat.
Ow!
Ted, of all the women
in New York,
you had to go out
with an eight-year-old girl?
Yeah. Not what
it sounds like, folks.
Ted, you know
that I hate her.
How could you go out
on a date with this girl?
It wasn't a date.
She came over to the apartment
looking for you.
I made Robin my famous
chocolate-chip cookies,
but instead of chocolate chips
I used Gummi bears.
Oh!
A spider!
Let me guess.
She acted like
a helpless little girl,
and you stepped in
as the big strong man.
I don't know
if that's totally true.
It's okay, little darlin'.
Poor spider.
Hey, hey, hey, hey.
Spiders gotta die...
so trees can grow.
Then I held her tight,
told her
it was all gonna be okay.
By the way, I think
I only wounded the spider.
It crawled off into my bedroom.
Wait. Is that why
you slept on the couch
last night?
Yeah. I slept.
I'm dyin' out here.
Talkin' like a little boy
is not working
with the ladies.
Wow, lady.
You got
some "tig ol' bitties"!
Gosh!
Your body's a perfect...
this many.
Uh, do you wanna wrestle
with our special
bathing suit places?
Come on.
I just need two seconds,
baby.
I know you think
that's a compliment,
but I'd rather
you take your time.
No, um, I'll be...
I'll be right back.
Ancient Norse wisdom tells us
that to sire a son,
you must do three things
right before you lay
with your maiden.
First, eat pickled herring.
Eat it!
This is ridiculous.
Gentlemen, gentlemen.
On the main stage,
throwing her life away,
give it up
for Marshall's daughter.
Who's your granddaddy?
- That guy.
Hey, wanna have a three-way
with me and my imaginary friend?
His name's Otis.
You don't...
Hey. Hey!
Wanna come to my house
and play telephone?
I got the string,
you got the cans.
I wet myself.
Will you change me?
Can't blame her on that one.
Guys, I have some terrible,
terrible news.
I, Barney Stinson,
can't pick up a girl
whilst talking
like a little boy.
Challenge forfeited.
We don't care about this at all.
No one challenged you.
It wasn't really a challenge.
I'm sorry.
Hey, Gerard.
What's with that shirt?
Nobody could pick up a chick
wearing that thing.
Challenge accept...
Wow, I'm glad that's over.
It was creepy watching Barney
talk like a little kid.
Oh, but you
find it irresistible
when Becky does?
I don't get it.
The Ted that I
went out with...
was attracted
to the kind of woman...
who could use a steak knife
without supervision.
For your information,
Becky doesn't like steak.
She likes "pasghetti"...
Spaghetti.
And more importantly,
she makes me feel needed.
Needed?
She makes training wheels
feel needed.
Hey, it's nice to feel needed.
And you know what?
It's not a feeling guys get
when they're with you.
Son,
Viking lore tells us...
that to ensure
the continuation
of your noble male lineage,
get a big ol' bowl of ice
and dunk your man sack
right in there.
You two and your football.
Okay.
Mm-hmm.
Now, get in there,
point Lily due north,
and make me a grandson!
Eriksen!
When we were dating, I...
I didn't
make you feel needed?
Come on. You always
took charge of everything.
Oop. I got this.
Is this okay?
Am I hurting you?
I got this.
Whoa!
Someone's trying
to break in!
Call the cops.
I got this.
Did that
really bother you?
Well, yeah.
It's nice to be needed.
Look, I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to upset you.
It's Becky.
Aw, she's trapped
in a revolving door.
I got this.
Thank you.
Let's make a baby.
Mmm!
Whoa!
Baby, you're packin' snowballs,
and your breath
smells like a mermaid fart.
Loving the dirty talk.
You know what's even hotter?
If we face this-a way.
Hmm?
Ooh, we're bad.
Baby...
Hey, baby, why are you
facing me north?
I...
You're trying
to make us have a boy!
I can ex...
How do you know about
the north thing?
Oh, um...
And what are you doing
with those lemons?
Baby girl fertilizer!
You're trying to make us
have a girl!
You are trying
to make us have a girl.
All my least favorite students
have been boys,
so I googled
"How to make a girl."
Some really weird stuff came up.
But, finally, I found
this conception Web site
that said you should...
Point south at the moment
of conception,
eat a lemon...
and heat up your lady parts
to a balmy 105 degrees.
Ooh. Ahhh.
Oh, that's not bad.
Mmm!
Eriksen!
Ooh, ooh.
Lily, how could you do...
exactly
the same thing I did?
You're supposed
to be the sane one.
See that?
Another boy expecting a woman
to clean up his mistakes.
That's why girls
are way better than boys.
Oh, really? Then how come
whenever there's a creepy kid
in a horror movie,
it's always a little girl...
or twin girls
who speak in unison.
Oh, well, what about Chucky?
Okay. A: He was a doll.
B: He was possessed
by an adult serial killer.
And C: How could you
bring up Chucky
right before bed?
Hey.
Hey. Um...
When we were dating, did...
did I make you feel needed?
No, I didn't feel
like you needed me at all.
That's what I thought.
Uh, I'm sorry.
Wait. Where are you go...
That's a compliment.
You're the least-needy woman
I've ever met.
That's awesome.
I mean, no guy's gonna
say "Who's your daddy?"
to Robin Scherbatsky.
You're your own daddy...
and mommy...
and weird survivalist uncle
who lives in a cabin
with a shotgun,
blaming stuff
on the government.
And that is what makes you
the most amazing,
strong,
independent woman
I've ever banged.
Thanks, Barney.
You know, um, there's something
that I wanted to ask you.
I don't really know
how to say it,
so here goes.
Who's the crazy chick
in the apron?
Someone naughty left
his toys on the floor...
and needs to be spanked
on his tushy-tush.
Uh-oh. I'm in twubble!
You did it. How?
Last night
after admitting defeat,
I just let myself go.
Mmm! That looks so good.
Can I have some?
No! It's my ice cream.
You can't have any.
Someone needs to teach you
how to share.
Who's your mommy?
Challenge completed!
Mmm.
Now, uh, can you get
this freak outta here?
I'm really scared.
I got this.
Oh, so you finally
agreed on a name.
Well, the other night,
she ran a...
a really high fever.
We rushed her to the emergency
room at 3:00 in the morning,
but they wouldn't admit her
without a name.
Right then and there
we realized how stupid
we were being.
We looked at each other
and, well, we just knew.
Our baby's name is...
Esther.
Esther!
That's beautiful.
Yeah.
We're idiots.
Baby, names and gender...
It's just like...
It's some way
of giving ourselves
the illusion...
that we have
any control whatsoever.
I-I just want a healthy,
happy 12-pound...
Whoa!
Ten-pound?
Eight-pound?
I guess.
But, dude, you're writing checks
my vagina can't cash.
I love you.
Mmm.
And I'm gonna love the crap
outta whatever baby we have.
Me too.
You know what?
We should just think
of a name that's good
for either a girl or a boy.
Like, um...
Jamie.
Marshall,
we just named our baby.
Jamie.
Not Jamie!
Shoe's untied.
I got it.
Yeah, this is over.
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