Kids, one morning in 2010,
I open the newspaper
only to discover an op-ed
written by Zoey Pierson.
You remember Zoey.
Key Ted Mosby's car.
In those four column inches,
she railed against me
and my company, GNB,
for wanting to tear down
a beautiful old building
called the Arcadian.
And as if
that wasn't bad enough,
the piece ran on a Saturday,
which, as you both know,
is Dad's crossword day.
She ruined crossword day!
I can't believe this.
She singles me out by name.
Calls me a fat cat...
me and my "fat cat friends."
- We're not fat cats.
- Exactly.
I say,
Marshall, my good man,
how's my bow tie?
Impeccable, old bean.
To industry!
Oh, bully!
Okay, maybe that night
we weren't the skinniest
of felines.
You see, every year,
the Natural History Museum
holds its Autumn Spectacular.
It's attended
by some of the most powerful...
and important people
in New York...
and, thanks
to Goliath National Bank, us.
Look at us. Huh?
In tuxedos.
Can you imagine
if our college selves
saw us like this?
They'd pelt us
with their Phish bootlegs.
Yeah, we were pretty
antiestablishment back then.
Mmm.
Oh, God. Remember Russell?
Oh.
Nice monkey suit,
Russell.
Yeah.
Come on, guys.
What was...
Oh, I'm sorry.
I can't hear you...
with that corporate noose
around your neck.
And don't even try showin' up
to the drum circle this weekend.
Yeah.
Hey, you guys seen Russell?
I'm supposed to drive him
to his mom's funeral.
I wish I knew you guys
back then.
You know why?
Because you can't
kick a story in the nuts.
Hey, we're still
those people.
One of these days,
Marshall is gonna
quit his job,
go to work for the N.R.D.C.
and save the world.
Right, baby?
Absotively.
Well, let's just remember,
I mean, nobody's the same
as they were in college.
You know, it's, like,
"Oh, I wear a suit
to work every day."
Well, yeah,
but you wear it ironically,
like Ted's fanny pack.
Next time we go
to Great Adventure,
you're carrying
your own sunblock.
Ooh, I love this exhibit.
One time when I was a kid,
this room was closed
for cleaning,
so I snuck under the rope.
Ooh.
Wow, that's
pretty cool.
When I was a kid,
I knocked down
the blue whale.
The giant blue whale
hanging from the ceiling?
I was six.
My Uncle Jerry
brought me here for the day.
He said, "Don't touch
anything"... to a kid.
That's like
someone telling us,
don't look at that girl's
perky and impossibly
symmetrical knockers.
Ooh.
Not bad.
So, naturally,
I snapped the rib
off a triceratops...
blahbity-blahbity blue...
I knocked down the whale.
I'm surprised security
didn't stop me
on the way in.
I'm sure
they don't remember.
I mean, it's been,
like, 30 years...
since that completely
made-up story
didn't happen.
It happened.
And these people
don't forget.
This is not
the "Natural Stuff
That Happened...
No More Than Five
Minutes Ago Museum."
Huh?
Marshall, Barney,
there you are.
I want you to meet an old
friend of mine from Exeter...
George van Smoot.
But you can and should
call me the Captain.
The Captain?
Back in school,
we met during a production
of Guys and Dolls.
Uh, the Captain
was Nathan Detroit to my...
assistant stage manager.
Marshall and Barney here
are the future
of Goliath National Bank.
Well, ahoy.
Ahoy.
Ahoy, the Captain.
The Captain pretty much paid
for this entire shindig.
Please, enjoy yourselves.
Have fun.
But don't touch anything.
Thank you, the Captain.
Challenge accepted.
Wow, the future
of Goliath National Bank.
I know. It's so, uh...
You know, I totally
forgot to tell you,
but, um, the other day
Arthur offered me
a five-year contract.
Well, don't turn him down
here in public.
I broke up with Scooter
at the prom.
Right before the picture too.
So whatever you do, don't
tell him here tonight, 'cause...
I think I'm gonna say yes.
Ahh! That's the stuff.
I didn't realize
you were small potatoes.
And to be clear, I am
referring to your testicles.
- Impressive.
- Mmm.
Try this on for size.
You wanna dance?
Let's dance.
I live for the dance.
Get...
your other hand...
off my ass.
Sorry. Sorry.
What do you mean
you're gonna say yes?
I want to keep working
at GNB.
But I thought that you...
Guys, guys, guys.
Architecture
fun fact...
If you stand right here
and you whisper,
a person all the way across
the other end of the room...
hears it like you're standing
right next to them.
It's one of the most
sophisticated pieces...
of acoustical design
in the world.
Watch.
Diarrhea.
Right? Right?
But a five-year contract.
I thought you hated GNB.
Look, I don't hate all of it.
Tonight's fun.
Just take a look around.
This is pretty
high-class.
Poo-poo.
Poo-poo platter.
Zoey?
Well, well, well.
You have got
to be kidding me.
So, what are we protesting
tonight?
Rising cost of jet fuel?
The government's oppressive
top hat-and-monocle tax?
And what are you doing here?
Oh, right.
Beautiful old building.
You're here
to knock it down.
Can I finish my drink first?
Darling, there you are.
Hi.
Ted, this is my husband.
Yeah, old stuff's great.
I can't...
Mmm.
Mmm!
Ah, this scotch is good.
How's your drink?
This is ridiculous.
We are two grown adults
standing among
the greatest collection...
of natural artifacts
in the Western Hemisphere,
and look at what we're doing.
You're right.
Wanna go touch
a bunch of stuff?
Yeah, I do.
So, Captain,
how'd you get
that name anyway?
Gave it to myself.
A real man chooses his own name.
Well, pleased to meet you,
Captain.
I'm Galactic President
Superstar McAwesomeville.
This is Ted.
Capital.
Honey, I may cut out early.
I'd like to go check up
on the boat.
The boat?
There's a bo...
You must tell me
about this boat, Captain.
Well, she's
an 85-foot sloop.
She?
Do you like boats?
Does the sea call to you
like it calls to me?
Yes! The sea is all, like,
"Ted, come hang out."
I like Galactic President
Superstar McAwesomeville.
You're coming
on the boat sometime.
Stepping off.
Man, I wish me and my dad
were as close
as you guys are.
Oh, you want
to make this personal?
'Kay.
Destroy Ted Mosby.
Now it's personal.
No, if I wanted
to make it personal,
I'd call you a bored
little trophy wife...
who likes
to play activist...
when the shops
on Fifth Avenue
are closed.
You're goin' down.
Down where?
To the yacht club?
Oh, I would love to.
W-Wait.
I'm half Jewish.
Will that be a problem?
So what about becoming
an environmental lawyer?
What about saving the world?
Wieners.
That was a great dream,
but we have a mortgage
and we're tryin' to have kids.
We're grown-ups now, Lily.
Wieners and gonads.
What would "college you" say
if he heard what you
were saying right now?
Honestly, probably
something pretentious...
and pseudo-intellectual like...
Boogers.
We all change, Lily.
You know,
you don't spell "women"
with a "Y" anymore.
And I'm okay with that.
And you need to be okay
with the fact...
that I may never become
an environmental lawyer.
So, how long
have you felt this way?
Honestly?
Since my first day at GNB.
Hershey squirts.
Hey.
How do you like
my date's tux?
Oh! Uh, thank you.
Oh, none for him.
He's stuffed.
Stuffed.
Oh! Zoey. There you are.
Oh, my God.
You have a monocle.
Is this real?
Is this really happening?
Excuse us for a moment.
Let's go for a walk.
Good luck killing James Bond.
Are we allowed in here?
What do you want from me?
I want my crossword day back.
Okay?
Go live
your perfect little life
and leave me the hell alone.
My life isn't perfect.
Oh, please.
What's your biggest problem?
Having to sail
back to the marina...
'cause the Captain's
all out of white zin?
Oh, great.
Now you're crying.
Like that's
gonna get my sympathy.
It did.
You've known about this
for two and a half years?
So, every time
you've talked about wanting...
to be an environmental lawyer
since then, that was a lie?
Technically, I never lied.
You asked me questions,
and I responded
with made-up words.
What?
So you'll probably quit GNB
in a couple of years, right?
Affirmatootly.
And become
an environmental lawyer?
Yepskerdoodles.
Hey, by the way,
do you like this scarf?
Posititochetochmecochapopocha.
Lawyered.
Okay, that's also
a made-up word.
Okay, look, Lily,
what do you want from me?
I want you to be the person
I fell in love with.
Aah!
- Nailed it!
- Excuse me.
Thank God you're here.
She's been messing
with the exhibits.
I got married
when I was 22...
to a man who calls himself
the Captain.
He seems like a good guy.
He... He wears
those red pants.
I hate boats, Ted.
I do. I hate 'em.
I can't be on them.
I can't be near them.
I can't even think about them
without getting seasick.
You wanna know why I want
to save that building?
Because when I look up
at the Arcadian,
I see something big and solid.
And right now,
everything else in my life
just feels like I'm on a boat.
I know it's crazy to care
that much about a building.
It's not crazy at all.
I'm the same way.
Look, Zoey,
the Arcadian
should be a landmark.
It should.
The lion head stonework
is iconic.
I hate that we have
to tear it down.
I hate working for GNB.
They're a bunch of...
wieners and gonads.
Ted, that was...
really easy.
What?
They're a bunch of...
wieners and gonads.
This should be useful.
In that moment another headline
appeared before my eyes.
You tricked me.
Well, it's the bug room, Ted.
Your ass just got bugged.
Oh, the offer
still stands.
We simply must have you
out on the boat sometime.
Well, aren't
you two clever?
Guess what. This museum
has seen every kind of prank
you can think of...
mummies playing poker,
penguins stickin'
out of volcanoes,
dinosaurs from
the Cretaceous period...
hanging out
with dinosaurs
from the Jurassic period.
One time, a kid knocked down
the blue whale.
You name it...
Wait, wait. I'm sorry.
Did you say someone knocked down
the blue whale?
Oh, no. Not just someone.
A six-year-old.
- Oh yeah,
that story is legen...
Hold on.
dary.
And, um, would you
happen to know what
that young man's name was?
- No.
But I could, uh,
check the files.
Thank you.
Now, Arthur, your turn.
I just sang three songs.
Now, you, you do your part
from Guys and Dolls.
"Take your seats, everyone.
Uh, the show's about to start."
Douche.
So, I hear my wife
got you pretty good.
She caught me on tape
trashing GNB.
Aw. That damn recorder.
Try being married to that.
"But you said
you'd get the Corgis
neutered this weekend."
"I said no such thing."
"Oh, yeah?" Click.
You're a good guy,
Galactic President
Superstar McAwesomeville.
Tell you what.
When Zoey goes to sleep,
I'll find that tape
and erase it for you.
No hard feelings.
Really?
You'd do that
to your own wife?
Sure. Why not?
I mean, I'm glad
she has these little causes
that keep her out of trouble,
but when she throws
a temper tantrum...
and it gets in the way
of someone doing their job,
that's a problem.
No, you know what?
Don't erase the tape.
And for what it's worth,
I don't think she's throwing
temper tantrums.
I just think she's,
you know, standing up
for what she believes in.
Well, I respect that.
Hey, what about this?
I'll take you out
on the boat sometime. Huh?
Oh! You gotta see this boat.
She's breathtaking.
Kids, there's an amazing
architectural phenomenon...
in the Natural History Museum.
If you stand in the right spot,
you can hear
an entire conversation...
all the way across the room.
"July 23, 1981.
Incident report.
- No.
- At approximately
1000 hours...
- No.
- vandal dislodged rib
from triceratops skeleton...
- No.
- and flung said rib
at giant whale...
No.
causing said giant whale
to fall in a downward
trajectory."
No.
- And the vandal's name...
- Who?
Well, I'll be damned.
Barney Stinson.
No! No!
"Who's the master, Leroy?"
"Stinson was reprimanded
and returned to the custody...
of his father,
Jerome Whittaker."
Uh, no. Uncle.
Jerome Whittaker's my uncle.
Uncle Jerry.
Well, it says father.
He even signed it
and checked the box
for father and everything.
Jerry's my uncle.
Lily.
Honey, what's wrong?
You okay?
Do you want... You want
a hit of this sandwich?
I want you.
Awesome.
Let me just put a sock
on the doorknob.
No.
I mean, I want you
as opposed to
who you've become.
You've changed so much.
What? How...
How have I changed? Did...
- Did I cheat on you?
- No.
Did I stop writing poems
for you?
Yes, but I'm okay
with that.
Am I not as good
at making the sweet,
sweet love to you?
Actually,
you're way better now.
You last, like,
two, three times as long.
You said that any longer
would be too much.
It's okay. College Lily
thinks those are orgasms.
No, it's...
It's none of that.
It's just this new Marshall...
corporate Marshall...
he wears suits all the time.
He doesn't care
about saving the world.
He... He's not you.
I want you back.
Well, you can't have me.
Look at the sign.
I'm extinct.
I've gone the way
of Jane's Addiction.
Actually, Jane's Addiction
got back together.
- They did?
- Yeah.
They've done a few tours.
They put out a new album.
Are you serious?
That is awesome!
- Are they just as good?
- Sure.
Look,
I know that corporate Marshall
wears a tie and everything,
but it sounds like
he hasn't changed
where it counts.
Hey.
Hi.
Look, Lily, I know
that you would have been okay...
if we were poor and I was trying
to save the world.
But will you still be okay
if I make a lot of money...
and I spend all of it
spoiling you and our kids?
We'll make it work.
Mmm.
There he goes.
The Marathon Man.
Mr. Stamina himself.
I can kiss better
than that old man.
So, when was the last time
you saw him?
It was that day.
July 23, 1981.
My mom got pretty mad
that he let me destroy
a New York City landmark.
Ugh! Moms.
He never came around anymore
after that.
I think he moved away.
Maybe the security guy
had it wrong.
- You never know...
- But you do know.
You do know.
That's the thing.
You know.
He's my dad.
- Barney, do you want to...
- I don't want to do anything.
Don't tell anyone
about this, okay?
I'm serious.
It's a great look.
I think it could come back.
But one question.
Does it cost
half as much as glasses?
Can I steal you for second?
You don't need
to worry. I...
What are you doing?
Oh, I-I thought we were...
Uh, fine.
I erased the tape.
What?
I don't need it.
I'm gonna beat you
fair and square.
Thanks.
But it's good to know
how easily you can be
manipulated by a woman.
You look gross when you cry,
you know that?
Some women look cute.
You look
like a basset hound.
Oh, laugh it up now,
because starting Monday,
I got you in my crosshairs.
Bring it on, princess.
Eriksen, it's, uh, 3:00 a.m.
You know what?
You might as well
not even go home.
And so Marshall stayed right on
at Goliath National Bank.
Of course,
it wouldn't last forever,
but that's another story.
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