1 00:00:00,946 --> 00:00:03,523 Kids, in the winter of 2010, 2 00:00:03,537 --> 00:00:06,642 we had a new addition to our little group— Zoey. 3 00:00:06,643 --> 00:00:09,114 Zoey was married to... The Captain. 4 00:00:09,115 --> 00:00:11,518 Boys! Great to see you! 5 00:00:11,519 --> 00:00:12,620 Looking smart. 6 00:00:12,621 --> 00:00:14,491 Have a wonderful time tonight, okay? 7 00:00:14,492 --> 00:00:16,896 Okay. 8 00:00:16,897 --> 00:00:18,599 That man is terrifying. 9 00:00:18,600 --> 00:00:21,104 Everything he said was nice, but I am profoundly scared. 10 00:00:21,105 --> 00:00:22,875 Keep smiling. He can still see us. 11 00:00:24,111 --> 00:00:26,048 There was just something about him. 12 00:00:26,049 --> 00:00:28,787 We couldn't put our finger on it until... 13 00:00:28,788 --> 00:00:30,423 I figured it out! 14 00:00:31,359 --> 00:00:33,562 I know what's so creepy about The Captain. 15 00:00:33,563 --> 00:00:34,497 Okay. 16 00:00:36,336 --> 00:00:37,771 Yeah. 17 00:00:37,772 --> 00:00:38,940 I snapped this photo of him 18 00:00:38,941 --> 00:00:40,443 last time he dropped off Zoey. 19 00:00:40,444 --> 00:00:41,712 Observe. 20 00:00:41,713 --> 00:00:43,817 The bottom half of his face... is smiling. 21 00:00:43,818 --> 00:00:45,486 Oh. Look, he seems happy. 22 00:00:45,487 --> 00:00:47,690 Seems like a nice guy. 23 00:00:48,794 --> 00:00:50,964 But the top half of his face... 24 00:00:51,699 --> 00:00:52,901 wants to murder you! 25 00:00:52,902 --> 00:00:54,905 Cheerful. 26 00:00:54,906 --> 00:00:56,408 Wants to murder you. 27 00:00:56,409 --> 00:00:58,045 No. Cheerful. 28 00:00:58,046 --> 00:00:59,782 Wants to murder you. 29 00:00:59,783 --> 00:01:02,053 Now, hold on. Let me ask him a question. 30 00:01:02,054 --> 00:01:05,226 Captain, what do you think of ice cream? 31 00:01:05,227 --> 00:01:06,561 Oh, he loves it! 32 00:01:06,562 --> 00:01:08,565 Captain, what do you think of rainy days? 33 00:01:08,566 --> 00:01:10,837 Whoa, he hates them. 34 00:01:10,838 --> 00:01:13,342 Captain, quick question: 35 00:01:13,343 --> 00:01:15,212 How do you feel about the Jonas Brothers? Ooh. 36 00:01:15,213 --> 00:01:16,415 Ooh. Ooh. 37 00:01:19,021 --> 00:01:20,289 What-What is that? 38 00:01:20,290 --> 00:01:21,993 I don't get it. I don't get it. 39 00:01:21,994 --> 00:01:24,765 He hates that he loves them. 40 00:01:24,766 --> 00:01:26,134 Ah! 41 00:01:26,135 --> 00:01:29,975 Captioning sponsored by 20th CENTURY FOX TELEVISION: 42 00:01:29,976 --> 00:01:33,983 CBS 43 00:01:33,984 --> 00:01:38,225 and TOYOTA: 44 00:01:38,961 --> 00:01:40,262 Great. Okay. 45 00:01:40,263 --> 00:01:41,698 Hey, guys, Zoey just told me 46 00:01:41,699 --> 00:01:43,736 about this great Frank Lloyd Wright retrospective tonight. 47 00:01:43,737 --> 00:01:44,939 Who's in? 48 00:01:44,940 --> 00:01:46,976 Sorry, I'm, uh, I... 49 00:01:46,977 --> 00:01:48,780 I- I don't know, washing my hair. 50 00:01:48,781 --> 00:01:49,547 Running the water. 51 00:01:49,548 --> 00:01:50,649 Holding the towel. 52 00:01:50,650 --> 00:01:51,786 And I'll be home 53 00:01:51,787 --> 00:01:53,055 trying to get over the fact 54 00:01:53,056 --> 00:01:54,892 that no one invited me to the big hair washing party. 55 00:01:54,893 --> 00:01:57,196 All right, fine. Guess it'll just be me and Zoey. 56 00:01:57,197 --> 00:01:59,067 Oh, wait. Just the two of you? 57 00:01:59,068 --> 00:02:00,971 Tread lightly, Mosby. 58 00:02:00,972 --> 00:02:01,906 Any time 59 00:02:01,907 --> 00:02:03,208 a single guy hangs out 60 00:02:03,209 --> 00:02:04,344 with a married woman, 61 00:02:04,345 --> 00:02:06,148 there are rules that must be followed. 62 00:02:06,149 --> 00:02:07,818 Rule number one... 63 00:02:07,819 --> 00:02:09,320 Don't use the husband's condoms. 64 00:02:09,321 --> 00:02:10,957 That's just rude. 65 00:02:10,958 --> 00:02:13,529 Rule number one: 66 00:02:13,530 --> 00:02:16,468 don't go anywhere that has candles. 67 00:02:16,469 --> 00:02:18,840 Excuse me, Captain, how do you feel 68 00:02:18,841 --> 00:02:21,879 about Ted and Zoey having an intimate chat by candlelight? 69 00:02:21,880 --> 00:02:23,048 Mm-hmm... 70 00:02:24,185 --> 00:02:26,521 It'll be the last dinner they ever have. 71 00:02:27,157 --> 00:02:28,827 Rule number two: 72 00:02:28,828 --> 00:02:30,262 No sharing food. Hmm. 73 00:02:30,263 --> 00:02:32,835 In fact, anything involving saliva is off-limits. 74 00:02:32,836 --> 00:02:35,472 Toothbrushes, thermometers, lipstick. 75 00:02:35,473 --> 00:02:36,641 Well, if I can't share her lipstick, 76 00:02:36,642 --> 00:02:37,778 there's really no point in even going. 77 00:02:37,779 --> 00:02:40,349 And the most important rule of all... 78 00:02:40,350 --> 00:02:43,021 Lubricant is public property. 79 00:02:43,022 --> 00:02:43,756 Please. 80 00:02:43,757 --> 00:02:45,292 No lying to the spouse 81 00:02:45,293 --> 00:02:47,396 about anything you do. 82 00:02:47,397 --> 00:02:48,532 Why would anyone lie? 83 00:02:48,533 --> 00:02:49,667 Look, Zoey and I are just friends. 84 00:02:49,668 --> 00:02:50,971 If there was anything more than that, 85 00:02:50,972 --> 00:02:52,173 I wouldn't hang out with her. 86 00:02:52,174 --> 00:02:54,077 Lily's right, Ted. Once you're married, 87 00:02:54,078 --> 00:02:55,412 it's very hard to be friends 88 00:02:55,413 --> 00:02:57,951 with a single person of the opposite sex. Yeah. 89 00:02:57,952 --> 00:02:59,420 Unless you're old friends, which is why 90 00:02:59,421 --> 00:03:01,424 I can hang out with Marshall whenever I want. 91 00:03:01,425 --> 00:03:02,526 Right, Marsh Madness? 92 00:03:02,527 --> 00:03:03,897 No doubt, Robo Cop. 93 00:03:05,267 --> 00:03:06,668 You two never hang out alone. 94 00:03:06,669 --> 00:03:08,639 You just made up those nicknames right now. 95 00:03:08,640 --> 00:03:09,909 I guess it's true. 96 00:03:09,910 --> 00:03:12,079 You and I never really hang out alone. 97 00:03:12,080 --> 00:03:14,651 Well, let's. Let's have dinner together, just the two of us. 98 00:03:14,652 --> 00:03:15,921 Oh! Sweet. 99 00:03:15,922 --> 00:03:17,858 No candles. 100 00:03:17,859 --> 00:03:19,929 No candles. 101 00:03:19,930 --> 00:03:22,066 Lily, I guess that leaves just you and me. Want to hang? 102 00:03:22,067 --> 00:03:24,103 And then Lily said something to Barney 103 00:03:24,104 --> 00:03:26,074 that insulted every fiber of his being. 104 00:03:26,075 --> 00:03:27,510 Nah. 105 00:03:29,014 --> 00:03:31,484 Wait. No. It had to be more than just, "Nah." 106 00:03:31,485 --> 00:03:32,620 Oh, I think she said... 107 00:03:32,621 --> 00:03:36,862 You're a big... stupid octopus head! 108 00:03:38,066 --> 00:03:39,500 No, that doesn't make sense. 109 00:03:39,501 --> 00:03:42,106 Okay, hang on. What did she say? 110 00:03:42,107 --> 00:03:46,882 She said, um, uh... 111 00:03:46,883 --> 00:03:49,788 To be honest kids, I'm having a little trouble remembering 112 00:03:49,789 --> 00:03:51,491 exactly what their fight was about. 113 00:03:51,492 --> 00:03:53,128 Hey, it was 20 years ago! 114 00:03:53,129 --> 00:03:54,297 I'll remember. 115 00:03:54,298 --> 00:03:55,733 Anyway, the next night... 116 00:03:55,734 --> 00:03:58,205 Well, Lily, you were right. 117 00:03:58,206 --> 00:04:01,511 Something weird happened with Zoey last night. 118 00:04:01,512 --> 00:04:04,818 Oh, that's the Captain. 119 00:04:04,819 --> 00:04:06,688 Yes, I call my husband The Captain, 120 00:04:06,689 --> 00:04:09,895 but that is the only concession I make to his seafaring ways. 121 00:04:09,896 --> 00:04:11,331 Hang on. 122 00:04:11,332 --> 00:04:12,700 Ahoy. 123 00:04:12,701 --> 00:04:15,439 I'm just out with friends. 124 00:04:15,440 --> 00:04:17,309 Friends. Plural. 125 00:04:17,310 --> 00:04:19,547 Like-Like there was more than one of me. 126 00:04:19,548 --> 00:04:20,784 Ew! Ew! 127 00:04:20,785 --> 00:04:23,555 She lied to her husband? Uh-oh. 128 00:04:23,556 --> 00:04:25,359 So, what did you do? 129 00:04:25,360 --> 00:04:28,800 Uh, Zoey, um, did you just say you were out with friends? 130 00:04:28,801 --> 00:04:30,937 Yeah. The Captain's on his way home from Milan. 131 00:04:30,938 --> 00:04:32,606 He can get a little jealous sometimes, 132 00:04:32,607 --> 00:04:34,710 so I didn't want to make him worry. 133 00:04:35,547 --> 00:04:36,514 Is that okay? 134 00:04:36,515 --> 00:04:38,385 It's totally okay. 135 00:04:38,386 --> 00:04:40,757 It's not okay! I didn't really think it was okay! 136 00:04:40,758 --> 00:04:43,395 Pur-leez! You lie to your husband all the time. 137 00:04:43,396 --> 00:04:45,666 "Uh, uh, that shirt looks great on you" 138 00:04:45,667 --> 00:04:47,470 "I love your mom" 139 00:04:47,471 --> 00:04:49,908 "I never fantasize about Barney when we're doing it" 140 00:04:49,909 --> 00:04:52,446 Sound familiar, Pinocchio? 141 00:04:53,716 --> 00:04:54,918 What's wrong with this shirt? 142 00:04:54,919 --> 00:04:57,089 Lily, ruling. 143 00:04:57,090 --> 00:04:58,425 Do I have to stop 144 00:04:58,426 --> 00:04:59,962 hanging out with Zoey? 145 00:04:59,963 --> 00:05:02,066 No, you just need to spend time 146 00:05:02,067 --> 00:05:04,137 with her and The Captain together. 147 00:05:04,138 --> 00:05:05,974 If you're friends with the both of them, 148 00:05:05,975 --> 00:05:07,409 then there's not a problem. 149 00:05:07,410 --> 00:05:09,815 Actually, I do have a standing invitation from The Captain 150 00:05:09,816 --> 00:05:12,286 to go for a ride with them on his boat. 151 00:05:12,287 --> 00:05:15,292 Great. So go make nice with Captain Creepy, 152 00:05:15,293 --> 00:05:16,494 and problem solved. 153 00:05:16,495 --> 00:05:18,598 The next night, 154 00:05:18,599 --> 00:05:20,369 Marshall and Robin went to dinner, 155 00:05:20,370 --> 00:05:21,939 just the two of them. 156 00:05:21,940 --> 00:05:23,108 Now historically, 157 00:05:23,109 --> 00:05:25,145 they had three solid conversation topics: 158 00:05:25,146 --> 00:05:26,481 cold weather... 159 00:05:26,482 --> 00:05:29,253 December chill— so great. 160 00:05:29,254 --> 00:05:30,890 Totally. 161 00:05:32,494 --> 00:05:34,430 sports... 162 00:05:34,431 --> 00:05:36,467 Did you catch 163 00:05:36,468 --> 00:05:38,940 the game last night? 164 00:05:38,941 --> 00:05:42,012 Yeah. Nail-biter. 165 00:05:42,915 --> 00:05:46,087 and cold weather sports. 166 00:05:46,088 --> 00:05:47,891 You know what's fun? Mm. 167 00:05:47,892 --> 00:05:49,260 Is cold weather sports. 168 00:05:49,261 --> 00:05:51,231 They are fun. 169 00:05:51,232 --> 00:05:54,838 They blew through them all in the first 16 seconds. 170 00:05:54,839 --> 00:05:57,176 Man, this is awkward. 171 00:05:57,177 --> 00:05:59,580 She's giving me nothing! 172 00:05:59,581 --> 00:06:01,852 He's just staring at me! 173 00:06:01,853 --> 00:06:03,756 She's just staring at me! 174 00:06:03,757 --> 00:06:06,027 It's making me nervous. 175 00:06:06,028 --> 00:06:08,031 Great, now my left eye is twitching. 176 00:06:08,032 --> 00:06:09,667 Marshall, it's cool. 177 00:06:09,668 --> 00:06:11,337 She doesn't see it. 178 00:06:11,338 --> 00:06:14,377 What the hell's going on with his eye? 179 00:06:14,378 --> 00:06:16,614 Am I supposed to not talk about that? 180 00:06:16,615 --> 00:06:20,188 Great, now my right eye is doing it. 181 00:06:22,828 --> 00:06:24,463 Can I get you two some drinks? 182 00:06:24,464 --> 00:06:26,334 Lots of drinks. Oh, so many drinks. 183 00:06:26,335 --> 00:06:29,240 That same night, Barney and Lily were still fighting 184 00:06:29,241 --> 00:06:30,777 about, um... something. 185 00:06:30,778 --> 00:06:32,981 Or was it that other thing? 186 00:06:32,982 --> 00:06:34,417 Barney. Save it, Lily. 187 00:06:34,418 --> 00:06:36,688 I am still mad at you for... 188 00:06:36,689 --> 00:06:39,795 something, and for that other thing. 189 00:06:39,796 --> 00:06:42,266 Look, I'm sorry I hurt your feelings. 190 00:06:42,267 --> 00:06:43,769 But let's be honest. 191 00:06:43,770 --> 00:06:45,973 You've been super sensitive lately. 192 00:06:45,974 --> 00:06:48,111 No, I haven't! 193 00:06:48,112 --> 00:06:50,515 God, how can you say that? 194 00:06:50,516 --> 00:06:52,319 Watch out! 195 00:06:52,320 --> 00:06:54,557 Wait. They were on the street. 196 00:06:54,558 --> 00:06:57,096 Watch out! Oh! 197 00:06:57,097 --> 00:07:00,068 Wow. Thanks, Lily. 198 00:07:00,069 --> 00:07:02,439 You saved me. 199 00:07:02,440 --> 00:07:04,210 You saved us. 200 00:07:04,912 --> 00:07:08,151 Look, I know you didn't mean 201 00:07:08,152 --> 00:07:11,257 whatever it was you said that made me so mad. 202 00:07:11,258 --> 00:07:13,495 I think I probably didn't. 203 00:07:13,496 --> 00:07:16,969 And just like that, the fight was over. 204 00:07:16,970 --> 00:07:19,941 You know, kids, friendship is funny sometimes. 205 00:07:19,942 --> 00:07:21,310 Wait. 206 00:07:21,311 --> 00:07:24,316 I still can't resist getting one last shot in. 207 00:07:25,788 --> 00:07:29,126 Like I said, the fight was just getting started. 208 00:07:39,581 --> 00:07:41,852 Hi, Captain. 209 00:07:41,853 --> 00:07:43,221 The Captain. 210 00:07:43,222 --> 00:07:44,791 Captain. 211 00:07:44,792 --> 00:07:46,060 Ahoy, Ted! 212 00:07:46,061 --> 00:07:47,262 Excellent to see you. 213 00:07:47,263 --> 00:07:48,933 Ah, you, too. Uh, where's Zoey? 214 00:07:48,934 --> 00:07:50,235 Well, I'm afraid 215 00:07:50,236 --> 00:07:52,406 she's feeling a little under the weather. 216 00:07:52,407 --> 00:07:53,475 Looks like it's just 217 00:07:53,476 --> 00:07:55,045 you, me 218 00:07:55,046 --> 00:07:57,249 and six hours in frigid international waters. 219 00:07:57,250 --> 00:08:02,159 Or we could stay on dry land, hang out with some... witnesses. 220 00:08:02,160 --> 00:08:04,831 You're a hoot. 221 00:08:04,832 --> 00:08:08,137 I've been looking forward to this. 222 00:08:10,610 --> 00:08:13,548 For a very long time. 223 00:08:14,718 --> 00:08:16,220 Well, anchors aweigh! 224 00:08:16,221 --> 00:08:18,959 Kids, here's one thing I do remember. 225 00:08:18,960 --> 00:08:21,965 I was pretty sure I was going to die that night. 226 00:08:27,557 --> 00:08:28,926 Mmm. 227 00:08:28,927 --> 00:08:30,462 Mmm. 228 00:08:31,899 --> 00:08:35,305 You know, I had this really boring poetry class in college. 229 00:08:35,306 --> 00:08:36,640 Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. 230 00:08:36,641 --> 00:08:39,546 You were just thinking that this dinner is really boring. 231 00:08:39,547 --> 00:08:42,385 That's what made you think of your boring class in college. 232 00:08:42,386 --> 00:08:44,423 What? What? No! No! No, no, no. 233 00:08:44,424 --> 00:08:45,960 Marshall, no. No. I... 234 00:08:45,961 --> 00:08:50,068 I just saw that board of specials, and I thought, 235 00:08:50,069 --> 00:08:51,771 you know what sucks? 236 00:08:51,772 --> 00:08:53,007 Being bored. 237 00:08:53,008 --> 00:08:54,176 Which I am not. 238 00:08:54,177 --> 00:08:59,353 So that clears that... right up. 239 00:08:59,354 --> 00:09:00,722 Robin, I'm an attorney. 240 00:09:01,893 --> 00:09:03,427 Fine. This night's a little awkward. 241 00:09:03,428 --> 00:09:06,267 I guess it's 'cause we never hang out alone together. 242 00:09:06,268 --> 00:09:07,369 Why is that? 243 00:09:07,370 --> 00:09:09,706 It's 'cause of The Mermaid Theory. 244 00:09:09,707 --> 00:09:14,349 Two years ago, I had just hired a new assistant at GNB. 245 00:09:16,721 --> 00:09:19,827 So, who's the eye broccoli? 246 00:09:19,828 --> 00:09:22,198 Okay, that's Iris, my new assistant. 247 00:09:22,199 --> 00:09:24,369 And yes, she's a little plain, 248 00:09:24,370 --> 00:09:27,175 but I'm married, so that's good. 249 00:09:27,176 --> 00:09:28,511 Mark my words, Marshall. 250 00:09:28,512 --> 00:09:31,483 Someday you will find Iris so excruciatingly attractive, 251 00:09:31,484 --> 00:09:35,158 you won't be able to look her directly in the boobs. 252 00:09:38,833 --> 00:09:41,771 I don't think that's gonna be a problem. 253 00:09:41,772 --> 00:09:45,311 Marshall, do you know how the myth of mermaids came to be? 254 00:09:45,312 --> 00:09:46,781 I'm sorry. Myth? 255 00:09:46,782 --> 00:09:49,152 It was 300 years ago. 256 00:09:49,153 --> 00:09:51,925 Sailors stuck at sea would get desperate 257 00:09:51,926 --> 00:09:53,227 for female companionship. 258 00:09:53,228 --> 00:09:56,935 It got so bad that, eventually, 259 00:09:56,936 --> 00:10:00,743 the manatees out in the water started to look like... 260 00:10:00,744 --> 00:10:02,880 beautiful women. 261 00:10:02,881 --> 00:10:06,320 Mermaids. 262 00:10:08,158 --> 00:10:10,328 Let's go get some tail! 263 00:10:12,166 --> 00:10:14,336 Oh. 264 00:10:15,673 --> 00:10:19,781 You see, every woman, no matter how initially repugnant, 265 00:10:19,782 --> 00:10:22,820 has a mermaid clock— the time it takes 266 00:10:22,821 --> 00:10:25,491 for you to realize you want to bone her. 267 00:10:25,492 --> 00:10:28,464 Sure, today you see Iris as a manatee. 268 00:10:28,465 --> 00:10:30,668 But she ain't gonna stay that way. 269 00:10:30,669 --> 00:10:36,213 Marshall, your secretary's mermaid clock starts right now. 270 00:10:37,784 --> 00:10:40,655 And it took one year, three months, and 16 days, 271 00:10:40,656 --> 00:10:42,760 but eventually... 272 00:10:51,746 --> 00:10:53,114 D'oh! 273 00:10:53,115 --> 00:10:54,817 Told you. 274 00:10:54,818 --> 00:10:56,487 The Mermaid Theory. 275 00:10:56,488 --> 00:10:57,655 It's a thing. 276 00:10:57,656 --> 00:10:59,326 You owe me 500 bucks. 277 00:10:59,327 --> 00:11:00,561 Did we bet on this? 278 00:11:00,562 --> 00:11:02,599 Let's say yes. 279 00:11:02,600 --> 00:11:05,505 And that's why we never hang out alone? Yes. 280 00:11:05,506 --> 00:11:08,277 As Lily's best friend, you are the last person on the planet 281 00:11:08,278 --> 00:11:09,914 o's allowed to turn into a mermaid. 282 00:11:09,915 --> 00:11:11,083 Wait, does that mean 283 00:11:11,084 --> 00:11:13,020 that I'm a manatee right now? 284 00:11:15,459 --> 00:11:17,763 Big-time manatee. 285 00:11:17,764 --> 00:11:21,270 What were those sailors thinking? 286 00:11:21,271 --> 00:11:24,409 Huh. I don't know. 287 00:11:24,410 --> 00:11:28,551 Being out at sea can do crazy things to a man. 288 00:11:28,552 --> 00:11:31,423 Vast, the sea. 289 00:11:31,424 --> 00:11:33,460 Deep. 290 00:11:33,461 --> 00:11:35,698 Endless. 291 00:11:35,699 --> 00:11:39,105 Going around for miles. 292 00:11:39,106 --> 00:11:43,748 You could scream and scream, and not a soul would hear you. 293 00:11:44,717 --> 00:11:46,788 Listen to this. 294 00:11:47,958 --> 00:11:49,125 Help! 295 00:11:49,126 --> 00:11:50,796 Somebody help me! 296 00:11:50,797 --> 00:11:53,534 I'm trapped on a boat with a madman! 297 00:11:53,535 --> 00:11:55,171 Help! 298 00:11:57,509 --> 00:11:59,847 See? Nothing. 299 00:12:04,223 --> 00:12:06,126 He's gonna kill me. 300 00:12:06,127 --> 00:12:07,428 Okay, calm down, Teddy. 301 00:12:07,429 --> 00:12:08,697 He's not jealous. 302 00:12:08,698 --> 00:12:10,701 He hasn't even mentioned Zoey. 303 00:12:10,702 --> 00:12:12,005 So, Ted, 304 00:12:12,006 --> 00:12:16,848 I noticed you've been spending a lot of time with Zoey. 305 00:12:19,988 --> 00:12:21,958 Okay, back to Barney and Lily 306 00:12:21,959 --> 00:12:23,995 and whatever the hell they were fighting about. 307 00:12:23,996 --> 00:12:26,801 Seriously? I step away for five seconds, and you eat 308 00:12:26,802 --> 00:12:28,304 all my onion rings? 309 00:12:28,906 --> 00:12:30,842 No surprise there. 310 00:12:30,843 --> 00:12:32,578 What's that supposed to mean? 311 00:12:32,579 --> 00:12:35,084 Are you calling me fat? 312 00:12:35,920 --> 00:12:37,856 If there is one thing you never do, 313 00:12:37,857 --> 00:12:40,963 it is call a woman fat right to her face! 314 00:12:40,964 --> 00:12:43,033 Wait. Barney's not a woman. 315 00:12:43,034 --> 00:12:46,239 That's right— Barney wasn't hurt by Lily, 316 00:12:46,240 --> 00:12:49,346 Lily was hurt by Barney. 317 00:12:49,347 --> 00:12:50,414 Want to hang? 318 00:12:50,415 --> 00:12:52,251 Nah. 319 00:12:52,252 --> 00:12:55,157 Watch out! 320 00:12:56,895 --> 00:12:59,632 Wow... thanks, Barney. 321 00:12:59,633 --> 00:13:02,338 You saved me. 322 00:13:02,339 --> 00:13:03,908 You saved us. 323 00:13:03,909 --> 00:13:06,279 If there's one thing you never do, 324 00:13:06,280 --> 00:13:09,152 it's call a woman fat right to her face! 325 00:13:09,153 --> 00:13:11,256 Okay, now I'm on track. 326 00:13:11,257 --> 00:13:13,694 The rest of this story should make perfect sense. 327 00:13:13,695 --> 00:13:15,231 Oh, Lily, I'm sorry. 328 00:13:15,232 --> 00:13:17,535 Hey, you want to see a magic trick? 329 00:13:22,012 --> 00:13:23,915 You're a jerk. 330 00:13:23,916 --> 00:13:25,786 Okay, that makes no sense. 331 00:13:25,787 --> 00:13:27,856 Kids, I'm officially admitting defeat. 332 00:13:27,857 --> 00:13:30,061 I will never remember this story. 333 00:13:30,062 --> 00:13:32,565 I'm sorry for wasting your time. 334 00:13:32,566 --> 00:13:35,204 Ted, let me show you my harpoon collection. 335 00:13:35,205 --> 00:13:37,375 Just gonna make a quick call. 336 00:13:37,376 --> 00:13:38,644 Hey, silly question. 337 00:13:38,645 --> 00:13:40,749 What are our exact nautical coordinates? 338 00:13:40,750 --> 00:13:42,385 How now? 339 00:13:42,386 --> 00:13:44,422 Oh, bother. 340 00:13:46,094 --> 00:13:47,628 Well... 341 00:13:47,629 --> 00:13:49,967 she's a goner. 342 00:13:51,204 --> 00:13:53,908 By now, the icy tide has already dropped 343 00:13:53,909 --> 00:13:57,115 its core temperature to near freezing. 344 00:13:57,116 --> 00:13:59,686 And down it goes. 345 00:13:59,687 --> 00:14:01,891 Now it's at 50 meters. 346 00:14:01,892 --> 00:14:05,364 Complete crushing blackness. 347 00:14:05,365 --> 00:14:07,068 100 meters. 348 00:14:07,069 --> 00:14:08,771 The pressure is so intense, 349 00:14:08,772 --> 00:14:11,744 the keys are popping right out of its head. 350 00:14:11,745 --> 00:14:14,349 Head? 200 meters. 351 00:14:14,350 --> 00:14:17,890 No one will ever find its mangled remains, 352 00:14:17,891 --> 00:14:20,327 save for the crustacea 353 00:14:20,328 --> 00:14:23,935 that feed off its lifeless husk. 354 00:14:23,936 --> 00:14:26,039 Can you hear me now? 355 00:14:26,040 --> 00:14:30,447 No. Because you're on the bottom of the sea. 356 00:14:31,517 --> 00:14:34,189 Well, I got a big morning, so... 357 00:14:34,190 --> 00:14:36,994 Dry cleaners, bank, you know, so... Ted, it's time. 358 00:14:38,198 --> 00:14:40,434 I have something for you. 359 00:14:40,435 --> 00:14:42,271 Wait here. 360 00:14:45,746 --> 00:14:48,183 Okay, you got to swim for it, Mosby. 361 00:14:48,184 --> 00:14:50,020 Man versus sea. 362 00:14:50,021 --> 00:14:51,156 You can do this. 363 00:14:51,157 --> 00:14:52,759 You didn't get a "Good Effort" ribbon 364 00:14:52,760 --> 00:14:54,329 from the Shaker Heights JCC Swim Camp 365 00:14:54,330 --> 00:14:56,233 because you don't have what it takes. 366 00:14:56,234 --> 00:14:57,568 Found it. 367 00:14:57,569 --> 00:14:58,604 Zoey told me 368 00:14:58,605 --> 00:15:00,441 you're a scotch drinker. 369 00:15:00,442 --> 00:15:03,113 I bought this special for tonight. 370 00:15:03,114 --> 00:15:05,718 And just as I started to realize that maybe 371 00:15:05,719 --> 00:15:08,457 I wasn't in danger after all, we hit a bump. 372 00:15:08,458 --> 00:15:10,060 Whoa! 373 00:15:11,664 --> 00:15:13,700 Ted? 374 00:15:16,145 --> 00:15:18,715 that if you spend 375 00:15:18,716 --> 00:15:21,254 too much time alone with me, I'll turn into a mermaid? 376 00:15:21,255 --> 00:15:24,227 Yes. I mean, sure, right now, you're bald and leathery 377 00:15:24,228 --> 00:15:26,197 ancovered in a thick layer of blubber... 378 00:15:26,198 --> 00:15:27,834 Am I blushing or...? 379 00:15:27,835 --> 00:15:31,040 but at some point, my stupid male brain will transform you 380 00:15:31,041 --> 00:15:34,848 into a foxy fish-babe singin' 381 00:15:34,849 --> 00:15:36,952 "Part of Your World" to my pants. 382 00:15:36,953 --> 00:15:40,793 Okay, even if that happens, is there any way to un-mermaid me? 383 00:15:40,794 --> 00:15:42,730 I asked Barney the same thing. 384 00:15:46,038 --> 00:15:47,974 Once mermaid-ified, there's only one way 385 00:15:47,975 --> 00:15:50,612 a woman can go back to being unattractive again, 386 00:15:50,613 --> 00:15:52,416 but it's pretty gruesome. 387 00:15:52,417 --> 00:15:53,920 Death? 388 00:15:53,921 --> 00:15:56,357 Worse. Pregnancy. 389 00:15:56,358 --> 00:15:58,361 If a baby's on board that train, 390 00:15:58,362 --> 00:16:00,767 it is headed straight back to Manatee City... 391 00:16:00,768 --> 00:16:03,705 where the grass ain't green and the girls ain't pretty. 392 00:16:04,141 --> 00:16:05,242 Pregnancy? 393 00:16:05,243 --> 00:16:07,646 Mm-hmm. Once a mermaid gets pregnant, 394 00:16:07,647 --> 00:16:10,385 she becomes a manatee again. 395 00:16:10,386 --> 00:16:12,423 Never thought I'd say that sentence. 396 00:16:12,424 --> 00:16:13,692 Wait! That's it! 397 00:16:13,693 --> 00:16:15,930 That's what Barney and Lily were fighting about! 398 00:16:15,931 --> 00:16:17,132 The Mermaid Theory! 399 00:16:17,133 --> 00:16:19,370 But their argument didn't happen at the same time 400 00:16:19,371 --> 00:16:22,509 as all this other stuff. I'm literally in the wrong year! 401 00:16:22,510 --> 00:16:25,182 It happened much, much later when Lily was... 402 00:16:25,183 --> 00:16:26,317 pregnant. 403 00:16:26,318 --> 00:16:28,321 Well, Lily, I guess it's just you and me. 404 00:16:28,322 --> 00:16:29,323 You wanna hang? 405 00:16:29,324 --> 00:16:30,459 Nah. 406 00:16:31,763 --> 00:16:32,964 Whenever we're alone, you spend 407 00:16:32,965 --> 00:16:35,369 the whole time undressing me with your eyes. 408 00:16:35,370 --> 00:16:37,039 You even take off my shoes. 409 00:16:37,040 --> 00:16:40,145 High heels chafe my shoulders. 410 00:16:40,146 --> 00:16:42,116 But you don't have to worry about that anymore. 411 00:16:42,117 --> 00:16:44,553 Ever since you got pregnant, you're just a big fat manatee. 412 00:16:46,025 --> 00:16:48,963 Well, you're a big... 413 00:16:48,964 --> 00:16:50,933 stupid octopus face! 414 00:16:50,934 --> 00:16:55,042 That was it! I remember now! 415 00:16:55,043 --> 00:16:57,646 Wow. Thanks, Barney. 416 00:16:57,647 --> 00:16:59,116 You saved me. 417 00:16:59,986 --> 00:17:03,158 You saved us. 418 00:17:03,159 --> 00:17:05,830 If there's one thing you never do, 419 00:17:05,831 --> 00:17:08,535 it's call a woman "fat" right to her face! 420 00:17:08,536 --> 00:17:09,805 I'm sorry, Lily. 421 00:17:09,806 --> 00:17:12,409 Hey, you want to see a magic trick? 422 00:17:15,918 --> 00:17:16,617 Oh... 423 00:17:16,618 --> 00:17:19,090 You're a jerk. 424 00:17:21,495 --> 00:17:22,730 Hey. Hey, wait. 425 00:17:22,731 --> 00:17:25,235 Come on. I was kid... Wait, wait, wait! 426 00:17:25,236 --> 00:17:27,439 There's another addendum to The Mermaid Theory. 427 00:17:27,440 --> 00:17:30,712 A pregnant woman who's become a manatee can become 428 00:17:30,713 --> 00:17:32,383 a mermaid again through one simple act. 429 00:17:32,384 --> 00:17:33,385 What's that? 430 00:17:33,386 --> 00:17:35,655 Breast-feeding. Hot. 431 00:17:35,656 --> 00:17:36,657 Really? 432 00:17:36,658 --> 00:17:38,328 Really. 433 00:17:38,329 --> 00:17:40,665 When those things swell up to three times their normal size... 434 00:17:40,666 --> 00:17:42,169 so do I. 435 00:17:42,170 --> 00:17:44,875 That's so sweet! 436 00:17:45,811 --> 00:17:48,281 See kids? Told you I'd get it! 437 00:17:48,282 --> 00:17:52,089 Okay, now we're even! 438 00:17:52,090 --> 00:17:55,061 Yeah, that's the ending to a whole other story. 439 00:17:55,062 --> 00:17:57,099 We'll get there. 440 00:17:57,100 --> 00:17:59,805 So you really thought I was gonna kill you? 441 00:17:59,806 --> 00:18:02,443 Well... ish. 442 00:18:02,444 --> 00:18:03,946 Oh, Ted, that's ridiculous. 443 00:18:03,947 --> 00:18:07,219 If I wanted to kill you, I'd invite you to my hunting lodge. 444 00:18:07,220 --> 00:18:10,158 It's far more remote, and I wouldn't have 445 00:18:10,159 --> 00:18:14,033 to worry about you turning up in some nosy fisherman's net. 446 00:18:14,034 --> 00:18:15,368 See? It's stuff like that. 447 00:18:15,369 --> 00:18:16,839 Why-why do you talk that way? 448 00:18:16,840 --> 00:18:18,943 Oh, I'm just jesting for sport. 449 00:18:20,613 --> 00:18:24,253 See, sometimes I don't bond as well 450 00:18:24,254 --> 00:18:26,157 with Zoey's younger friends. 451 00:18:26,158 --> 00:18:28,762 But I know she really likes you. 452 00:18:29,799 --> 00:18:32,603 I was hoping that maybe we could be buddies. 453 00:18:32,604 --> 00:18:35,575 We can. 454 00:18:35,576 --> 00:18:37,579 We can be buddies. 455 00:18:37,580 --> 00:18:39,183 Just not on a boat. 456 00:18:39,184 --> 00:18:40,485 Fair enough. 457 00:18:40,486 --> 00:18:41,788 The hunting lodge it is. 458 00:18:43,492 --> 00:18:45,028 Ho-ho-ho! 459 00:18:45,029 --> 00:18:48,067 You know, once we stopped trying to have a conversation 460 00:18:48,068 --> 00:18:50,105 and just focused on the drinking... 461 00:18:50,106 --> 00:18:51,507 I had fun. 462 00:18:51,508 --> 00:18:52,609 Yeah, me, too. 463 00:18:52,610 --> 00:18:54,513 And then a terrible thing happened. 464 00:18:54,514 --> 00:18:55,983 Marshall's beer goggles kicked in 465 00:18:55,984 --> 00:18:58,822 and his very drunk mind started to see... 466 00:19:01,528 --> 00:19:05,168 No... No, no! 467 00:19:05,169 --> 00:19:06,838 No! No, 468 00:19:06,839 --> 00:19:08,141 don't turn! 469 00:19:08,142 --> 00:19:10,679 Uh-oh. 470 00:19:10,680 --> 00:19:12,516 I don't feel so good. 471 00:19:16,859 --> 00:19:21,033 Oh, my God! Oh, my God, I am, I am so sorry! 472 00:19:21,034 --> 00:19:24,941 Oh! You must think I'm totally disgusting. 473 00:19:24,942 --> 00:19:27,245 I really do. 474 00:19:30,519 --> 00:19:31,922 And from that moment on 475 00:19:31,923 --> 00:19:33,024 Marshall never worried 476 00:19:33,025 --> 00:19:34,693 about Robin becoming a mermaid again, 477 00:19:34,694 --> 00:19:37,132 and the two of them were closer than ever. 478 00:19:37,133 --> 00:19:38,668 There you go. 479 00:19:39,137 --> 00:19:40,138 Hey, Ted. 480 00:19:40,139 --> 00:19:41,574 Hey. You feeling better? 481 00:19:41,575 --> 00:19:43,912 I have a confession to make. 482 00:19:43,913 --> 00:19:46,985 I wasn't really sick. 483 00:19:46,986 --> 00:19:47,820 You weren't? 484 00:19:47,821 --> 00:19:48,822 I'm sorry. 485 00:19:48,823 --> 00:19:50,258 I was just feeling guilty 486 00:19:50,259 --> 00:19:52,062 that I lied to The Captain and... 487 00:19:52,063 --> 00:19:55,535 I don't know, I just thought it would be good 488 00:19:55,536 --> 00:19:57,572 if you two spent some time together. 489 00:19:57,573 --> 00:19:58,842 I get it. 490 00:19:58,843 --> 00:19:59,944 And you were right. 491 00:19:59,945 --> 00:20:01,447 He's a nice guy. 492 00:20:01,448 --> 00:20:03,718 I mean, he can be a little scary. 493 00:20:03,719 --> 00:20:06,925 Yeah, he gets a little murder-y when he's nervous. 494 00:20:06,926 --> 00:20:08,695 Yeah, he's a creepy dude. 495 00:20:09,230 --> 00:20:10,198 But I like him. 496 00:20:10,199 --> 00:20:12,436 And I just want to make sure 497 00:20:12,437 --> 00:20:14,339 you and I hanging out 498 00:20:14,340 --> 00:20:16,912 doesn't, you know, cross any lines. 499 00:20:16,913 --> 00:20:18,314 Me, too. 500 00:20:18,315 --> 00:20:21,053 I mean, if either one of us had even the slightest hint 501 00:20:21,054 --> 00:20:23,524 of feelings for the other, we shouldn't hang out. 502 00:20:23,525 --> 00:20:25,295 You don't, do you? 503 00:20:25,296 --> 00:20:27,800 No. Do you? 504 00:20:27,801 --> 00:20:29,703 No. 505 00:20:37,903 --> 00:20:39,705 Still no sign of land. 506 00:20:39,706 --> 00:20:43,079 It's been 243 days since we've seen 507 00:20:43,080 --> 00:20:45,116 another living soul. 508 00:20:55,571 --> 00:20:57,607 What are you looking at? 509 00:21:00,514 --> 00:21:02,785 Dude, we need to find land.