1 00:00:02,304 --> 00:00:03,271 Kids, when Lily and Marshall started trying to have a baby, 2 00:00:03,272 --> 00:00:04,640 they went a t ttle crazy. 3 00:00:04,641 --> 00:00:06,878 We've been trying and trying, 4 00:00:06,879 --> 00:00:09,550 and still nothing's happened. 5 00:00:09,551 --> 00:00:12,356 I'm just worried we can't have children. 6 00:00:12,357 --> 00:00:13,825 And how long have you been trying? 7 00:00:13,826 --> 00:00:15,796 Six days. 8 00:00:15,797 --> 00:00:17,967 Oy. 9 00:00:17,968 --> 00:00:21,508 But then, months went by, and still nothing happened. 10 00:00:21,509 --> 00:00:22,743 Something must be wrong. 11 00:00:22,744 --> 00:00:24,947 W-We're doing it a lot. 12 00:00:24,948 --> 00:00:26,217 And everywhere— 13 00:00:26,218 --> 00:00:29,390 the kitchen, the bathroom, the living room, 14 00:00:29,391 --> 00:00:31,928 outside in your wait— the kitchen. 15 00:00:31,929 --> 00:00:33,165 Seriously, Doc, 16 00:00:33,166 --> 00:00:35,102 why isn't this happening? Look, 17 00:00:35,103 --> 00:00:37,072 if you're really worried, here is a number 18 00:00:37,073 --> 00:00:40,846 for a reproductive endocrinologist— Dr. Stangel. 19 00:00:40,847 --> 00:00:43,084 - He's the best in the city. - Dr. John Stangel? 20 00:00:43,085 --> 00:00:45,355 I don't know, baby, do we really need a specialist? 21 00:00:45,356 --> 00:00:47,326 Well, what's your plan, Marshall, 22 00:00:47,327 --> 00:00:50,732 just have unprotected sex day after day after day 23 00:00:50,733 --> 00:00:52,035 in every position imaginable 24 00:00:52,036 --> 00:00:53,572 until...? 25 00:00:53,573 --> 00:00:56,711 Wait, it sounded worse in my head. 26 00:00:56,712 --> 00:00:58,715 Guys, we've got a problem. 27 00:00:58,716 --> 00:01:00,017 This is the application 28 00:01:00,018 --> 00:01:01,121 for the regional doubles 29 00:01:01,122 --> 00:01:03,023 laser tag tournament 30 00:01:03,024 --> 00:01:04,360 in Poughkeepsie. 31 00:01:04,361 --> 00:01:06,831 Problem is, only one of you can be my partner. 32 00:01:06,832 --> 00:01:09,137 So it looks like we've got a bake-off. 33 00:01:09,138 --> 00:01:11,039 You may now present your arguments. 34 00:01:11,040 --> 00:01:13,111 I'm not playing laser tag. I'm absolutely not playing laser tag. 35 00:01:13,112 --> 00:01:14,180 Damn it. And Marshall's 36 00:01:14,181 --> 00:01:16,251 the winner. 37 00:01:16,252 --> 00:01:18,221 Well, I'm gonna call Dr. Stangel. 38 00:01:18,222 --> 00:01:19,690 It can't hurt. 39 00:01:19,691 --> 00:01:22,496 So Aunt Lily went to see Dr. John Stangel, the man 40 00:01:22,497 --> 00:01:24,167 who knew more about human reproduction 41 00:01:24,168 --> 00:01:26,171 than anyone in New York City. 42 00:01:26,172 --> 00:01:29,677 So I understand you want to get pregnant. 43 00:01:31,974 --> 00:01:37,980 Transcript by Addic7ed.com 44 00:01:47,242 --> 00:01:48,276 Yeah, and it cuts in and out. Ooh! 45 00:01:48,277 --> 00:01:50,114 How did you do it? 46 00:01:50,115 --> 00:01:53,052 Oh, God, you found one of the cameras. 47 00:01:53,053 --> 00:01:54,322 I swear that's the only one. 48 00:01:54,323 --> 00:01:55,557 Wait, which one did you find? 49 00:01:55,558 --> 00:01:56,659 What are you talking about? 50 00:01:56,660 --> 00:01:58,296 What are you talking about? 51 00:01:58,297 --> 00:02:01,770 My visit to a certain Dr. Stangel. 52 00:02:01,771 --> 00:02:03,373 We'll look at all the factors that contribute 53 00:02:03,374 --> 00:02:06,646 to fertility: dietary, environmental, genetic. 54 00:02:06,647 --> 00:02:08,850 But first, Ms. Aldrin, 55 00:02:08,851 --> 00:02:10,521 do you have any questions 56 00:02:10,522 --> 00:02:11,723 for me? 57 00:02:11,724 --> 00:02:14,395 Just one, "Dr. Stangel." 58 00:02:14,396 --> 00:02:16,031 Where'd you get the beard? 59 00:02:16,032 --> 00:02:20,441 Well, m-my mother's Armenian. 60 00:02:20,442 --> 00:02:23,513 Lily, I've been with Barney since 9:00 a.m. 61 00:02:23,514 --> 00:02:25,350 Between the sexual harassment seminar all morning 62 00:02:25,351 --> 00:02:27,588 and the secretary beauty pageant all afternoon, 63 00:02:27,589 --> 00:02:29,725 he hasn't left my sight. 64 00:02:29,726 --> 00:02:32,164 Wait, so you weren't wearing a fake beard 65 00:02:32,165 --> 00:02:34,235 and examining girl parts all day? 66 00:02:34,236 --> 00:02:36,372 Not today I wasn't. 67 00:02:36,373 --> 00:02:38,643 Wow, we finally found Barney's doppelg nger. 68 00:02:38,644 --> 00:02:40,447 I guess we can tell you now, Lily. 69 00:02:40,448 --> 00:02:43,987 That hot dog guy did not look like Barney. 70 00:02:43,988 --> 00:02:45,157 Uh, Marshall? 71 00:02:45,158 --> 00:02:46,493 Yes, I know, we made our little deal 72 00:02:46,494 --> 00:02:47,795 with the universe, but... 73 00:02:47,796 --> 00:02:50,234 No, we've made a binding covenant with the universe. 74 00:02:50,235 --> 00:02:52,271 We said we weren't going to try to have kids 75 00:02:52,272 --> 00:02:54,575 until we saw Barney's doppelg nger. 76 00:02:54,576 --> 00:02:55,878 Oh, this is bad news. 77 00:02:55,879 --> 00:03:00,320 This is like a black cat walked through my uterus. 78 00:03:00,321 --> 00:03:01,222 Okay, that's it. 79 00:03:01,223 --> 00:03:02,825 I am going back to Dr. Stangel 80 00:03:02,826 --> 00:03:04,128 and getting thoroughly checked out. 81 00:03:04,129 --> 00:03:05,096 Or— 82 00:03:05,097 --> 00:03:07,168 or cost-saving alternative: 83 00:03:07,169 --> 00:03:10,240 you could get checked out by someone who looks just like him. 84 00:03:10,241 --> 00:03:12,378 I'm gonna go scrub up; I'll meet you in stall three. 85 00:03:14,048 --> 00:03:15,884 I still 86 00:03:15,885 --> 00:03:17,221 kind of think it's Barney. 87 00:03:17,222 --> 00:03:19,090 There's no way it's Barney. 88 00:03:19,091 --> 00:03:20,761 Hello, you must be Mr. Eriksen. 89 00:03:20,762 --> 00:03:22,398 I am Dr. Stangel. 90 00:03:22,399 --> 00:03:23,533 It's Barney. 91 00:03:23,534 --> 00:03:25,103 Wow. 92 00:03:25,104 --> 00:03:28,143 Really, dude, bravo. 93 00:03:28,144 --> 00:03:29,645 You almost got a peek. 94 00:03:29,646 --> 00:03:30,881 But seriously, 95 00:03:30,882 --> 00:03:33,587 what second-rate community theater did you get...? 96 00:03:33,588 --> 00:03:35,657 Would you...? I... 97 00:03:37,495 --> 00:03:39,999 So my wife and I are trying to get pregnant. 98 00:03:42,305 --> 00:03:43,406 All right, Ms. Aldrin, please just put 99 00:03:43,407 --> 00:03:44,575 your feet up in the stirrups. 100 00:03:44,576 --> 00:03:46,011 We can begin. 101 00:03:46,012 --> 00:03:46,980 Uh-uh, no. 102 00:03:46,981 --> 00:03:48,883 Can't do it. No, but, baby, 103 00:03:48,884 --> 00:03:50,320 I yanked on his beard. 104 00:03:50,321 --> 00:03:51,623 He checks out. 105 00:03:51,624 --> 00:03:53,193 I really don't have time for this. No, Barney— 106 00:03:53,194 --> 00:03:55,297 Doctor, wait, please, it's... 107 00:03:55,298 --> 00:03:57,000 Can you just give us a couple minutes? 108 00:03:57,001 --> 00:03:58,169 I... Lily, 109 00:03:58,170 --> 00:04:02,278 how can I convince you that this is not Barney? 110 00:04:03,447 --> 00:04:05,751 Wow, it is like looking 111 00:04:05,752 --> 00:04:08,623 into a poorly dressed mirror. 112 00:04:13,601 --> 00:04:15,871 Okay, you have to go. 113 00:04:18,043 --> 00:04:20,847 Leave the model of the vagina. 114 00:04:21,784 --> 00:04:23,787 Okay. 115 00:04:23,788 --> 00:04:24,955 Convinced. 116 00:04:24,956 --> 00:04:26,626 Great. All right, 117 00:04:26,627 --> 00:04:28,463 you're a little low on the table. Please scoot up. 118 00:04:28,464 --> 00:04:30,167 "Suit up"-- not convinced. 119 00:04:30,168 --> 00:04:32,438 This whole thing stinks to high heaven. 120 00:04:32,439 --> 00:04:34,442 Baby, you just saw Barney. 121 00:04:34,443 --> 00:04:37,147 He could have pulled some crazy switch. 122 00:04:37,148 --> 00:04:39,952 Remember when his Swedish cousin came to visit? 123 00:04:39,953 --> 00:04:41,889 Oh, yeah— Bjorney. 124 00:04:41,890 --> 00:04:45,630 Yeah, I'm sorry, but unless I see Barney at the same time, 125 00:04:45,631 --> 00:04:49,205 I-I'll never be sure that Dr. Stangel isn't him. 126 00:04:50,475 --> 00:04:51,609 How you doing, Lily? 127 00:04:51,610 --> 00:04:54,047 Should I have a boner? 128 00:04:54,048 --> 00:04:55,183 Okay, we're all done. 129 00:04:55,184 --> 00:04:56,919 I'll call you in a few days with the results. 130 00:04:56,920 --> 00:04:58,223 Thank you. 131 00:04:58,224 --> 00:05:00,260 Hey, you don't mind if I take pictures, do you? 132 00:05:00,261 --> 00:05:03,466 Can we leave him in here for a while? 133 00:05:03,467 --> 00:05:04,435 I'm done for the day. 134 00:05:04,436 --> 00:05:05,837 You can leave him in here all night. 135 00:05:05,838 --> 00:05:09,879 Aw, yeah. 136 00:05:09,880 --> 00:05:12,049 Smile for the birdie, Lil! 137 00:05:13,320 --> 00:05:16,225 Gyno-mite! 138 00:05:16,226 --> 00:05:18,363 Now, while all this was going on, 139 00:05:18,364 --> 00:05:21,602 your Aunt Robin was starting her new job at World Wide News, 140 00:05:21,603 --> 00:05:23,005 aka the big leagues. 141 00:05:23,006 --> 00:05:24,275 She was excited. 142 00:05:24,276 --> 00:05:25,444 This job was a new start, 143 00:05:25,445 --> 00:05:27,147 a clean slate. 144 00:05:27,148 --> 00:05:29,885 So, first day of work? 145 00:05:31,990 --> 00:05:34,595 Everyone, say hello to your new research associate 146 00:05:34,596 --> 00:05:35,630 Robin Scherbatsky. 147 00:05:35,631 --> 00:05:37,468 Hi, guys. Welcome. 148 00:05:37,469 --> 00:05:39,505 Oh, here comes our new Hardfire host. 149 00:05:39,506 --> 00:05:42,678 Robin, this is Sandy Rivers. 150 00:05:42,679 --> 00:05:44,415 Sandy Rivers? 151 00:05:44,416 --> 00:05:45,784 Sandy Rivers— 152 00:05:45,785 --> 00:05:48,189 Robin's old cohost and my old nemesis. 153 00:05:48,190 --> 00:05:50,260 We should have sex. 154 00:05:50,261 --> 00:05:52,264 Oh, I hate that guy. 155 00:05:52,265 --> 00:05:53,600 It gets worse. 156 00:05:53,601 --> 00:05:55,002 Sandy, this is... 157 00:05:55,003 --> 00:05:56,672 Robin. 158 00:05:56,673 --> 00:05:58,743 You two know each other? Know each other? 159 00:05:58,744 --> 00:05:59,778 We've had sex. 160 00:05:59,779 --> 00:06:01,282 You had sex 161 00:06:01,283 --> 00:06:02,651 with Sandy Rivers? 162 00:06:02,652 --> 00:06:03,987 No! Ugh! 163 00:06:03,988 --> 00:06:06,158 And I can't believe it's my first day, 164 00:06:06,159 --> 00:06:08,997 and already I'm the girl who slept with the host of the show. 165 00:06:08,998 --> 00:06:10,233 Already? 166 00:06:10,234 --> 00:06:11,836 Were you planning on eventually sleeping with the host? 167 00:06:11,837 --> 00:06:14,375 Well, now that I know it's Sandy, I'm not. 168 00:06:18,484 --> 00:06:19,485 Hey, babe. 169 00:06:19,486 --> 00:06:20,654 Hi, honey. 170 00:06:20,655 --> 00:06:22,391 There's a couple messages on the machine. 171 00:06:22,392 --> 00:06:23,593 Your dad called. 172 00:06:23,594 --> 00:06:25,597 He wants to know if you have any sixes. 173 00:06:25,598 --> 00:06:28,369 Yeah, uh, we got a game of "Go Fish" going on the phone. 174 00:06:28,370 --> 00:06:29,605 P.S., Pops, go fish. 175 00:06:33,447 --> 00:06:35,116 Who's the second message from? 176 00:06:35,117 --> 00:06:36,786 Dr. Stangel's office. 177 00:06:36,787 --> 00:06:39,858 I'm extremely fertile. You're extremely fertile! 178 00:06:39,859 --> 00:06:40,994 Oh, my God. 179 00:06:40,995 --> 00:06:42,764 I told you there was nothing to worry about. 180 00:06:42,765 --> 00:06:44,868 I got to call my dad and tell him the good news. 181 00:06:46,239 --> 00:06:51,115 puts the ball on the 44-yard-line. 182 00:06:54,756 --> 00:06:58,663 If you're fertile, um, then that means I'm the problem. 183 00:07:04,371 --> 00:07:05,606 Okay, now you're being ridiculous. 184 00:07:05,607 --> 00:07:07,008 An hour ago, you didn't even think 185 00:07:07,009 --> 00:07:08,044 there was a problem. 186 00:07:08,045 --> 00:07:09,881 Well, I was just putting on a brave face. 187 00:07:09,882 --> 00:07:12,353 Okay, think about it: we've had unprotected sex 188 00:07:12,354 --> 00:07:15,526 203 times in the past four months. 189 00:07:15,527 --> 00:07:18,064 Obviously I'm the problem. 190 00:07:18,065 --> 00:07:19,066 Problem? 191 00:07:19,067 --> 00:07:20,369 You can't get a girl pregnant. 192 00:07:20,370 --> 00:07:21,471 That's the dream. 193 00:07:21,472 --> 00:07:22,707 I'd give my firstborn 194 00:07:22,708 --> 00:07:25,846 to not be able to have children. 195 00:07:26,982 --> 00:07:29,587 So, second day of work? 196 00:07:31,325 --> 00:07:32,393 What's wrong? 197 00:07:32,394 --> 00:07:34,230 Oh, you didn't hear? She's the office slut. 198 00:07:34,231 --> 00:07:35,232 Already? 199 00:07:35,233 --> 00:07:36,668 Oh, honey. 200 00:07:36,669 --> 00:07:39,474 I wish I was the office slut. 201 00:07:39,475 --> 00:07:43,815 And we can explore how those policy changes will affect Iraq. 202 00:07:43,816 --> 00:07:46,221 Yes. 203 00:07:46,222 --> 00:07:48,258 We definitely had sex. 204 00:07:48,259 --> 00:07:49,694 We did not have sex. 205 00:07:49,695 --> 00:07:51,364 Then why do I remember you? 206 00:07:51,365 --> 00:07:55,305 I don't know, maybe because I'm a smart, talented, professional. 207 00:07:55,306 --> 00:07:56,875 No, none of those. 208 00:07:56,876 --> 00:07:57,910 Oh, I remember. 209 00:07:57,911 --> 00:08:00,014 We didn't have sex. 210 00:08:00,015 --> 00:08:01,351 Thank you. 211 00:08:01,352 --> 00:08:03,288 You're the girl who did the report 212 00:08:03,289 --> 00:08:04,257 on the carriage driver 213 00:08:04,258 --> 00:08:06,628 and slipped and fell in horse poop... 214 00:08:06,629 --> 00:08:07,630 We did have sex. 215 00:08:07,631 --> 00:08:09,634 Oh, I-I remember now. 216 00:08:09,635 --> 00:08:10,702 Gregory, 217 00:08:10,703 --> 00:08:13,542 do me a favor. 218 00:08:13,543 --> 00:08:15,979 But this reporter takes pride in— whoa! 219 00:08:18,786 --> 00:08:20,789 And now everyone calls me Scherpoopie. 220 00:08:22,394 --> 00:08:23,962 It's not funny. Robin, 221 00:08:23,963 --> 00:08:25,532 a word of advice: play along. 222 00:08:25,533 --> 00:08:28,070 Okay, the more you fight it, the worse it's going to get. 223 00:08:28,071 --> 00:08:29,540 It's like when your car slides on ice, 224 00:08:29,541 --> 00:08:31,110 - you steer into the skid. - Mm-hmm. 225 00:08:31,111 --> 00:08:32,246 Exactly! 226 00:08:32,247 --> 00:08:33,682 Or when your— I don't know— 227 00:08:33,683 --> 00:08:35,419 friend invites you to a laser tag tournament, 228 00:08:35,420 --> 00:08:36,421 you don't fight it. 229 00:08:36,422 --> 00:08:37,990 You just strap on the vinyl holster 230 00:08:37,991 --> 00:08:39,493 and race into that abandoned JCPenney 231 00:08:39,494 --> 00:08:41,063 guns a-blazin'. 232 00:08:42,200 --> 00:08:43,401 I'm just agreeing with Ted. 233 00:08:44,705 --> 00:08:47,276 Oh, it's my dad. 234 00:08:51,585 --> 00:08:52,586 Aren't you going to get it? 235 00:08:52,587 --> 00:08:54,257 No, no, you know what? 236 00:08:54,258 --> 00:08:56,427 Um, I'm gonna get my stuff checked out first. 237 00:08:56,428 --> 00:08:57,496 I'll call my dad 238 00:08:57,497 --> 00:08:59,834 after Dr. Stangel gives me the thumbs up. 239 00:08:59,835 --> 00:09:02,373 Ew! He has to do that? 240 00:09:02,374 --> 00:09:04,877 But I thought you talk to your dad about everything. 241 00:09:04,878 --> 00:09:06,948 I only like to call my dad with good news. 242 00:09:06,949 --> 00:09:08,251 I mean, telling him good news 243 00:09:08,252 --> 00:09:10,422 is what makes it feel real to me. 244 00:09:10,423 --> 00:09:11,824 I'm getting married! 245 00:09:11,825 --> 00:09:13,662 Yeah...! 246 00:09:13,663 --> 00:09:15,165 I passed the bar! 247 00:09:15,166 --> 00:09:16,968 All right! 248 00:09:16,969 --> 00:09:18,605 I found an amazing Viking lamp 249 00:09:18,606 --> 00:09:20,074 that fits right on the coffee table, 250 00:09:20,075 --> 00:09:22,246 as long as we don't mind stepping over the cord. 251 00:09:22,247 --> 00:09:24,550 That's what I'm talking about! Right? 252 00:09:24,551 --> 00:09:27,156 I found someone who can fix the Viking lamp! 253 00:09:30,330 --> 00:09:32,199 But the news that I might not be able 254 00:09:32,200 --> 00:09:33,601 to give him a grandchild? 255 00:09:33,602 --> 00:09:35,605 You know, like, I don't even know 256 00:09:35,606 --> 00:09:37,443 how to have that conversation. 257 00:09:37,444 --> 00:09:40,182 I'll show you. 258 00:09:40,183 --> 00:09:43,288 "Dad, there's, uh, there's something I need to tell you, 259 00:09:43,289 --> 00:09:46,394 "and it's going to come as a bit of a shock to you, 260 00:09:46,395 --> 00:09:48,531 "but here goes. 261 00:09:48,532 --> 00:09:49,700 "You are speaking 262 00:09:49,701 --> 00:09:53,675 to the 2011 Tri-County Laser Tag Co-Champion." 263 00:09:53,676 --> 00:09:55,979 Barney, I've already told... "Oh, and my sperm don't work. 264 00:09:55,980 --> 00:09:57,081 "Yeah, yeah, 265 00:09:57,082 --> 00:10:00,087 the laser tag thing is awesome." 266 00:10:02,227 --> 00:10:05,465 So, third day of work? 267 00:10:07,670 --> 00:10:09,173 And the fertilizer is seeping 268 00:10:09,174 --> 00:10:11,043 into the ground water, causing... 269 00:10:11,044 --> 00:10:13,782 Is Scherpoopie pitching a story about manure? 270 00:10:15,720 --> 00:10:17,055 Genius. 271 00:10:17,056 --> 00:10:20,796 Okay, yes, I, uh, I fell into some manure. 272 00:10:20,797 --> 00:10:22,399 It's hilarious, fine. 273 00:10:22,400 --> 00:10:24,670 In a five-year career of on-air reports, 274 00:10:24,671 --> 00:10:27,276 there are bound to be a few embarrassing moments. 275 00:10:27,277 --> 00:10:29,113 A few? 276 00:10:29,114 --> 00:10:32,786 Uh, but in my case, it was just the one, 277 00:10:32,787 --> 00:10:35,559 and you found it, so, uh... 278 00:10:35,560 --> 00:10:36,961 Just the one. 279 00:10:37,797 --> 00:10:40,836 Gregory. 280 00:10:40,837 --> 00:10:41,971 Oh, God. 281 00:10:41,972 --> 00:10:44,008 What did they find? 282 00:10:48,686 --> 00:10:51,157 Everything. 283 00:11:05,018 --> 00:11:07,322 The Federal Reserve Board voted to leave interest... 284 00:11:20,416 --> 00:11:23,655 They even found the video of me getting attacked by an owl. 285 00:11:23,656 --> 00:11:25,358 You got attacked by an owl? 286 00:11:25,359 --> 00:11:27,563 I did not get attacked by an owl. 287 00:11:27,564 --> 00:11:29,767 Robin, listen, here's what you need to do— 288 00:11:29,768 --> 00:11:32,606 Okay, don't you dare tell me to steer into the skid, okay? 289 00:11:32,607 --> 00:11:35,979 It's too late. I'm already wrapped around a hydro pole. 290 00:11:36,715 --> 00:11:37,883 It's a Canadian telephone pole. 291 00:11:37,884 --> 00:11:40,522 I never should have taken this job. 292 00:11:40,523 --> 00:11:43,161 Kids, at that moment, I knew what I had to do 293 00:11:43,162 --> 00:11:44,363 for my friend Robin. 294 00:11:44,364 --> 00:11:46,601 But first I had to do something for me. 295 00:11:46,602 --> 00:11:50,208 Show me "owl attack." 296 00:11:51,311 --> 00:11:53,181 I am freaking out. 297 00:11:53,182 --> 00:11:55,084 Is there a chance that I can't have kids? 298 00:11:55,085 --> 00:11:57,054 I've been hit in the nuts a lot. 299 00:11:57,055 --> 00:11:59,493 Well, we won't know anything until we run some tests. 300 00:11:59,494 --> 00:12:01,364 We'll need a sample of your sperm. 301 00:12:01,365 --> 00:12:03,033 No, no, no. 302 00:12:03,034 --> 00:12:04,068 There's a room at the end of the hall. 303 00:12:04,069 --> 00:12:05,305 If you find yourself 304 00:12:05,306 --> 00:12:07,542 inside the elevator, you've gone too far. 305 00:12:07,543 --> 00:12:08,611 You'd think I wouldn't have to say that, 306 00:12:08,612 --> 00:12:09,747 but you'd be surprised. 307 00:12:15,159 --> 00:12:16,494 All yours, buddy. 308 00:12:26,581 --> 00:12:29,953 The thing you're about to do in here— 309 00:12:29,954 --> 00:12:32,159 I did that in here, too. 310 00:12:32,160 --> 00:12:34,663 Three minutes ago. 311 00:12:35,466 --> 00:12:38,371 I was here eight minutes ago. 312 00:12:38,372 --> 00:12:40,408 14 minutes ago. 313 00:12:41,178 --> 00:12:43,848 I'm here every Thursday. 314 00:12:45,820 --> 00:12:48,825 I can't do it, Doc. 315 00:12:48,826 --> 00:12:50,261 Is there, like, another option? 316 00:12:50,262 --> 00:12:51,964 Could I... Could I take this home? 317 00:12:51,965 --> 00:12:53,601 Sure, you could, but, uh... 318 00:12:53,602 --> 00:12:55,839 we close in an hour and I'm not back till Tuesday. 319 00:12:55,840 --> 00:12:58,711 So, clock is ticking. Make it fast. 320 00:12:58,712 --> 00:13:02,285 Only way I know how, Doc. 321 00:13:02,286 --> 00:13:04,623 Only way I know how. 322 00:13:09,734 --> 00:13:11,002 Surprise! Surprise! 323 00:13:15,280 --> 00:13:16,982 Mom. Dad. Uh... 324 00:13:16,983 --> 00:13:18,219 What are you doing here? 325 00:13:18,220 --> 00:13:19,621 We hadn't heard from you in a couple days. 326 00:13:19,622 --> 00:13:20,957 We were worried about you. 327 00:13:20,958 --> 00:13:23,094 For God's sake, son. Do you have any sixes? 328 00:13:23,095 --> 00:13:24,564 Go fish. 329 00:13:25,567 --> 00:13:26,902 Excuse me. Hey, Lily, 330 00:13:26,903 --> 00:13:29,441 can I just talk to you in here for a minute? Oh, yeah. 331 00:13:29,442 --> 00:13:32,113 Isn't it great? They just showed up. 332 00:13:32,114 --> 00:13:34,317 Your mom's already rearranged my kitchen, 333 00:13:34,318 --> 00:13:36,388 organized my closet... 334 00:13:36,389 --> 00:13:38,292 and she asked me if I lost height. 335 00:13:38,293 --> 00:13:40,196 Not weight. Height. 336 00:13:40,197 --> 00:13:42,066 Yeah, I'm very excited that they're here, too. 337 00:13:42,067 --> 00:13:45,440 But right now, I have to get excited about something else. 338 00:13:45,441 --> 00:13:48,512 Oh, okay. Well, I'll go handle your parents. 339 00:13:48,513 --> 00:13:51,218 And you handle your, well... 340 00:13:51,219 --> 00:13:53,956 Wait, wait, wait. Marshall. 341 00:13:55,160 --> 00:13:57,230 Thank you, baby. You're the best. 342 00:14:00,537 --> 00:14:02,507 Marshall. Marshall. 343 00:14:02,508 --> 00:14:05,780 I just got my new bathing suit for the beach this summer. 344 00:14:05,781 --> 00:14:08,219 It's a two-piece. I mean, can you imagine? 345 00:14:08,220 --> 00:14:09,755 Me in a two-piece 346 00:14:09,756 --> 00:14:11,258 bathing suit at my age? 347 00:14:11,259 --> 00:14:12,560 Just picture it! 348 00:14:12,561 --> 00:14:14,264 Picture it! 349 00:14:14,265 --> 00:14:15,833 That's why Fred Cox 350 00:14:15,834 --> 00:14:17,737 is the greatest kicker the Vikings ever had. 351 00:14:18,540 --> 00:14:21,545 Seriously, Marshall, picture it. 352 00:14:21,546 --> 00:14:23,115 Just picture it. 353 00:14:23,116 --> 00:14:24,584 Give me a "C." Give me an "O." 354 00:14:24,585 --> 00:14:25,787 Give me an "X." 355 00:14:25,788 --> 00:14:28,192 What's that spell? Cox! Cox! 356 00:14:28,193 --> 00:14:31,165 Cox! Cox! Cox! Cox! 357 00:14:31,166 --> 00:14:33,135 Uh... 358 00:14:33,136 --> 00:14:36,308 Okay, I did a bad thing last night. 359 00:14:36,309 --> 00:14:38,412 I looked up his address. 360 00:14:38,413 --> 00:14:41,017 Who? 361 00:14:41,018 --> 00:14:42,854 Sorry. You said "who." 362 00:14:42,855 --> 00:14:44,424 It reminded me of the owl footage. 363 00:14:44,425 --> 00:14:45,593 Genius. 364 00:14:45,594 --> 00:14:46,762 No. 365 00:14:46,763 --> 00:14:48,699 Sandy. How dare he laugh at you. 366 00:14:48,700 --> 00:14:50,403 Who does he think... 367 00:14:50,404 --> 00:14:51,772 Sorry. "Who." 368 00:14:52,641 --> 00:14:54,311 Anyway. 369 00:14:54,312 --> 00:14:55,913 I looked up his address in your contact list. 370 00:14:55,914 --> 00:14:57,884 Oh, God. Tell me you didn't go over there. 371 00:14:57,885 --> 00:15:00,623 I just thought he needed to listen to common sense 372 00:15:00,624 --> 00:15:02,126 and reasonable discourse. 373 00:15:02,127 --> 00:15:04,598 Oh, God. Tell me those aren't the names of your fists. 374 00:15:04,599 --> 00:15:06,301 They're my feet. 375 00:15:06,302 --> 00:15:07,637 I'm actually more of a kicker. 376 00:15:08,440 --> 00:15:10,676 So I went to his apartment. 377 00:15:14,652 --> 00:15:16,922 Ah... 378 00:15:22,601 --> 00:15:24,905 You're not the pizza guy. 379 00:15:29,080 --> 00:15:30,950 Oh, my God. This is... 380 00:15:30,951 --> 00:15:33,622 This is how you make sure Sandy never makes fun of you again. 381 00:15:33,623 --> 00:15:36,395 I told you to steer into the skid. That was bad advice. 382 00:15:36,396 --> 00:15:37,730 So new advice. 383 00:15:37,731 --> 00:15:40,136 Steer into Sandy, and run him down. 384 00:15:40,137 --> 00:15:43,142 If people found out Sandy wears a toupee... 385 00:15:43,143 --> 00:15:45,146 Really? That's your take-away? 386 00:15:45,147 --> 00:15:47,150 Nothing on the bear in the bra? 387 00:15:47,151 --> 00:15:48,652 Oh, no. He's very open about that. 388 00:15:48,653 --> 00:15:50,156 That's Gregory. 389 00:15:50,157 --> 00:15:51,525 Nice guy. 390 00:15:52,428 --> 00:15:54,464 And the top is so low-cut. 391 00:15:54,465 --> 00:15:55,900 Your father says he has 392 00:15:55,901 --> 00:15:58,772 front-row seats to the Minnesota Twins. 393 00:15:58,773 --> 00:16:00,343 Oh. Oh. 394 00:16:00,344 --> 00:16:01,979 By the way, Marshall, 395 00:16:01,980 --> 00:16:04,751 we do need to know if you're coming to Florida this summer. 396 00:16:04,752 --> 00:16:05,920 Are you coming? 397 00:16:05,921 --> 00:16:07,223 Marshall? 398 00:16:07,224 --> 00:16:09,928 Marshall, are you coming? 399 00:16:11,899 --> 00:16:14,204 This isn't working. 400 00:16:14,205 --> 00:16:15,706 Where you going, son? 401 00:16:15,707 --> 00:16:17,377 I'm-I'm going to... 402 00:16:17,378 --> 00:16:19,948 I'm-I'm going to... 403 00:16:19,949 --> 00:16:23,188 Kids, to this day, your uncle Marshall is thankful 404 00:16:23,189 --> 00:16:24,791 for what Lily said next. 405 00:16:24,792 --> 00:16:25,993 He's going to masturbate. 406 00:16:25,994 --> 00:16:27,163 Lily! 407 00:16:27,164 --> 00:16:29,200 Marshall, just tell them what's going on. 408 00:16:29,201 --> 00:16:33,275 And so Marshall told his parents everything. 409 00:16:33,276 --> 00:16:35,112 And so, now, I'm just scared 410 00:16:35,113 --> 00:16:37,216 that we won't be able to give you a grandchild. 411 00:16:37,217 --> 00:16:39,487 Aw, Marshall. 412 00:16:39,488 --> 00:16:41,958 Hey, we don't care about that one bit. 413 00:16:41,959 --> 00:16:44,631 And if you guys want kids, 414 00:16:44,632 --> 00:16:46,067 there are other ways. 415 00:16:46,068 --> 00:16:47,470 Adoption. 416 00:16:47,471 --> 00:16:51,043 Maybe you have a good friend who could loan you some sperm? 417 00:16:52,347 --> 00:16:54,751 Aw, yeah. 418 00:16:56,456 --> 00:16:58,959 Maybe adoption. 419 00:16:58,960 --> 00:17:01,298 What I'm saying is, 420 00:17:01,299 --> 00:17:03,735 we love you no matter what. 421 00:17:05,774 --> 00:17:08,010 Now, why don't you pretend you're in high school, 422 00:17:08,011 --> 00:17:09,914 get back in that bathroom, 423 00:17:09,915 --> 00:17:12,453 and "blow dry your hair." 424 00:17:13,790 --> 00:17:15,024 Wait, you knew? 425 00:17:15,025 --> 00:17:17,730 We didn't have a hair dryer, dear. 426 00:17:17,731 --> 00:17:20,536 So? 427 00:17:20,537 --> 00:17:23,040 Possibly last day of work? 428 00:17:23,041 --> 00:17:25,913 Actually, it was a good day. 429 00:17:25,914 --> 00:17:27,216 And I need more numbers 430 00:17:27,217 --> 00:17:30,389 on how the holiday season impacted the economy. 431 00:17:30,390 --> 00:17:33,562 Sparkles, got anything on malls? 432 00:17:35,934 --> 00:17:37,937 Actually, Sandy, 433 00:17:37,938 --> 00:17:40,843 I have something I think you're all gonna want to see. 434 00:17:42,013 --> 00:17:44,617 Yes! Put him in a body bag! 435 00:17:44,618 --> 00:17:46,721 Hoo! Hoo! Hyah! 436 00:17:46,722 --> 00:17:48,425 Okay, I didn't do it. What? 437 00:17:48,426 --> 00:17:50,496 I didn't want to just viciously attack someone 438 00:17:50,497 --> 00:17:51,998 out of the blue like some kind of... 439 00:17:51,999 --> 00:17:54,069 Owl? Exactly. 440 00:17:54,070 --> 00:17:56,374 So, instead of taking your advice, 441 00:17:56,375 --> 00:17:57,977 I took your advice. 442 00:18:01,152 --> 00:18:04,157 That day, Robin decided to steer into the skid. 443 00:18:05,594 --> 00:18:07,630 And though she never quite shook the nickname, 444 00:18:07,631 --> 00:18:10,536 Sparkles went on to do very well at World Wide News. 445 00:18:10,537 --> 00:18:12,773 Especially after this happened. 446 00:18:17,918 --> 00:18:20,489 After his parents had gone back to Minnesota, 447 00:18:20,490 --> 00:18:22,326 Marshall got the results of his test. 448 00:18:22,327 --> 00:18:25,332 I'm afraid I have some very bad news, Marshall. 449 00:18:26,869 --> 00:18:30,074 Judging from the results of your test, it is... 450 00:18:30,075 --> 00:18:33,047 it is very unlikely that you'll be able to father a child. 451 00:18:33,048 --> 00:18:35,185 Oh, God. 452 00:18:35,186 --> 00:18:36,521 I know, I know. 453 00:18:36,522 --> 00:18:38,090 It's just... 454 00:18:38,091 --> 00:18:40,396 Now... 455 00:18:40,397 --> 00:18:42,667 in some rare cases, a regimen change 456 00:18:42,668 --> 00:18:43,935 can fix the problem, 457 00:18:43,936 --> 00:18:47,376 so I'm recommending a spirited cardio routine. 458 00:18:47,377 --> 00:18:48,745 Preferably 459 00:18:48,746 --> 00:18:49,947 with a partner, 460 00:18:49,948 --> 00:18:52,453 involving any light-based firearm activity 461 00:18:52,454 --> 00:18:54,624 in the Tri-State area. 462 00:18:54,625 --> 00:18:57,430 Poughkeepsie, for example. 463 00:18:57,431 --> 00:18:59,233 Have you heard of the gentlemen's sport 464 00:18:59,234 --> 00:19:01,805 known as laser tag? 465 00:19:02,407 --> 00:19:03,809 Surprise! 466 00:19:03,810 --> 00:19:05,212 Damn it, Barney! 467 00:19:05,213 --> 00:19:07,249 What are you doing in here? 468 00:19:07,250 --> 00:19:08,819 Think about it, Marshall. 469 00:19:08,820 --> 00:19:11,056 All entrants get 20% off at the snack bar! 470 00:19:11,057 --> 00:19:12,693 Oh, BT-dub, 471 00:19:12,694 --> 00:19:13,929 the receptionist. What's her situation? 472 00:19:13,930 --> 00:19:16,701 Go! 473 00:19:18,071 --> 00:19:19,273 Well, Marshall. 474 00:19:19,274 --> 00:19:20,976 I've got your results. 475 00:19:20,977 --> 00:19:23,047 And? 476 00:19:23,048 --> 00:19:26,019 Your sperm is fine. 477 00:19:26,020 --> 00:19:27,857 My sperm is fine! 478 00:19:30,697 --> 00:19:32,533 Count, motility... 479 00:19:32,534 --> 00:19:35,406 everything's off the charts. 480 00:19:35,407 --> 00:19:38,812 You, sir, have got some strong swimmers. 481 00:19:39,648 --> 00:19:40,716 Bro, that is awesome. 482 00:19:40,717 --> 00:19:42,520 - Motility five! - Whoa! 483 00:19:42,521 --> 00:19:45,057 Nice. 484 00:19:45,058 --> 00:19:46,594 Hey, um, can I borrow your phone? 485 00:19:46,595 --> 00:19:48,765 I want to call my dad. Yeah, go ahead. 486 00:19:50,370 --> 00:19:52,173 Man, this is great. 487 00:19:52,174 --> 00:19:53,809 I was expecting bad news. 488 00:19:53,810 --> 00:19:55,779 I really was. 489 00:20:10,877 --> 00:20:13,114 You're here! Oh, my God! 490 00:20:13,115 --> 00:20:15,352 I love you so much! Can you believe it? 491 00:20:15,353 --> 00:20:18,658 Marshall... 492 00:20:18,659 --> 00:20:20,128 Something's happened. Um... 493 00:20:21,265 --> 00:20:24,370 Your father, he had a heart attack. 494 00:20:24,371 --> 00:20:28,612 He... He didn't make it. 495 00:20:34,191 --> 00:20:35,792 My dad's dead? 496 00:20:55,166 --> 00:20:57,303 I'm not ready for this.