Kids, when
your best friend loses someone...
My dad's dead?
You drop everything
and rush to his side...
only to find yourself...
standing there with no idea
what to do or say.
This is the toughest time
in Marshall's life,
and I feel absolutely useless.
I mean, what can we do to help?
Well, don't look at me.
This morning,
Marshall said,
"I have to pee."
And I said, "don't worry, baby.
I'll do it for you."
Halfway through the pee,
I'm, like, "This doesn't
even make sense."
I've been to a couple funerals,
so I know my role.
I'm vice girl.
Whatever Marshall needs
to get through this day,
I got it right here.
Whoa.
Cigarettes, alcohol.
Are these firecrackers?
My God, Robin,
you've somehow crammed
Tijuana into a purse.
Be cool, nerds.
Marshall's mom hasn't eaten,
slept or sat down
since we got here.
Wait. That could be my role.
I'll take care of Judy.
Yeah, but doesn't Marshall's mom
hate y... the fact that you two
aren't very close?
Sweet save.
Okay, yes.
Judy and I aren't besties,
but today, whatever she needs,
I'm there.
I'm on Judy duty.
"Judy duty."
She said "doody."
Really, guys? At a funeral?
Uh, okay.
While not all of us possess
your lofty sense of decorum,
drug dealer from an '80s
after-school special,
we have to laugh today.
It's healthy.
Wait a minute.
Today we are gonna
make Marshall laugh.
How?
Ted,
what's the one thing
that always cracks him up?
Internet footage of a guy
getting hit in the nuts.
Internet footage of a guy
getting hit in the nuts.
Exactly!
So, we are gonna get our bro
a four-star nad-rattler.
You search knees,
feet, banisters,
fire hydrants
and diving boards.
And I'll cover bats,
rackets, hockey sticks,
golf clubs and riding crops.
What about animals?
Ah!
Claws, paws, talons.
Hooves, beaks
and clenched monkey fists.
We can do this!
Hey, guys. Sorry. Um...
I left my charger
back in New York,
so my phone's out of juice.
- Does anyone have a...
- Outlet or USB?
Uh, outlet.
Thank you.
Oh.
Hey, you really do have
everything in there, don't you?
Mm-hmm.
You're like Mary Poppins
if her magic purse was
also filled with drugs.
"If"?
Ted, the kids in that movie
jumped into a painting...
and spent 15 minutes
chasing a cartoon fox.
"Spoonful of sugar?"
Grow up.
I'm so sorry
for your loss, Judy.
Thank you, Reverend.
We're so happy that you're going
to lead the services today.
Unfortunately, I can't.
My daughter in Chicago
just went into labor.
But I'm leaving you
in the capable hands...
of my second-in-command...
my son.
Your son?
Oh, you remember Trey.
I'll go grab him.
Guys,
Trey Platt terrorized me
growing up.
He was... He was
the toughest bully in school.
What's up, Marshall?
Hello, Trey.
Long time.
I was not aware that you
had become a reverend.
Yeah, well, your lunch money
finally ran out.
Kidding.
Marshall Eriksen,
you could use a laugh!
[ Exclaims,
Clears Throat ]
This video is entitled...
"Little League Coach
Gets Hit in the Nuts...
by a Foul Ball and Then
Vomits in a Garbage Can."
I don't want
to give anything away.
Let's just watch.
Oh!
See, 'cause...
'cause he got hit...
Right in the nuts.
And then the fat kid...
The fat kid just keeps...
runs away.
running away.
Trey Platt.
I can't believe my father's
funeral service...
is being led by Trey
"the Noogie Machine" Platt.
That guy gave you noogies?
What, did he carry
a stepladder?
He made me carry it.
So my dad asks
these questions...
to help create a theme
for the service,
or... whatever.
Question one.
"What were your last words
with the deceased?"
Lame.
- Question two.
- Wait.
My last words
with Marvin were lovely.
I've been thinking
about them a lot.
Me too. We went
for a hike in the snow
and had this amazing talk.
My last day with Pop,
he taught my son
how to skate.
Well, this is clearly
yielding nothing.
Thanks, Dad.
Guess I'll have to fill the time
with some jokes... again!
"Last words" seems like
a good theme.
Marshall, do you remember
the last thing
your father said to you?
Bye, sweetie.
Bye, Mom.
Son,
there's something I want
to say before I leave.
Yeah, Dad?
Could I snag that extra
pork chop for the flight?
I was gonna make
a sandwich with that, Dad.
D'ah!
Don't they have food
on the plane?
Yeah, but plane food is ass.
"Plane food is ass."
Those are the last words
my father will ever
say to me.
Right after I denied
the man a pork chop.
Oh, God.
Ooh!
Wait! I'm wrong!
I'm wrong!
That wasn't it.
They couldn't find a cab.
Hey! Marshall!
So my dad
called up from the street.
Marshall!
Looks like rain out here!
I couldn't find an umbrella
in your closet.
You know who probably
has an umbrella?
And then... Well, see, my dad
grew up in a small town...
in another generation,
so sometimes,
totally well-meaningly,
he'd say stuff like...
The Koreans across the hall!
Yeah, the Koreans
are a trustworthy
and generous people.
- Dad...
- I bet you one of the Koreans
has an umbrella.
I... Heck, they're Koreans!
My dad's last words to me
were a string of...
odd racial stereotypes.
All that stuff
was really nice.
Yeah, it's positive racism.
Mmm.
This is worse
than the pork chop.
This next clip
is entitled...
"Guy Playing Bagpipes
Gets Hit in the Nuts
by Low-flying Seagull."
Let's see what happens.
Let's take a...
Here...
Here it comes, and here...
Oh!
'Cause he gets hit...
Right in the nuts.
And then...
The fat kid just...
His swim trunks fall off.
His shorts
just fall right off.
No, wait. I'm wrong.
That wasn't it.
They couldn't find a cab,
so I went down there.
Hey. You were right.
The Kangs did, in fact,
have an umbrella.
- Of course they did.
- Bye, sweetie. Mwah!
Hey, Son, uh,
I just want to leave you
with a little advice.
Rent Crocodile Dundee 3.
I caught it
on the cable last night.
It totally holds up!
Crocodile Dundee 3
is the second-best
of the Croc trilogy, so...
You know, maybe
I can live with that.
Yeah.
Oh. Sorry.
My phone's charged.
I, uh... I hear you're
a woman who can get things.
I have been known
to locate certain objects
from time to time.
I need vodka
and dirty playing cards.
I got you.
Oh, my God.
What is it?
I have a voice mail
from my dad.
- You have a voice mail
from your dad?
- How?
My phone's been out of juice,
so he must have called me
the day that he, uh...
Baby, are you okay?
I hold in my hand...
the last words my father
will ever say to me.
I'm gonna hit "play."
What's wrong?
What if it's worse
than "Crocodile Dundee 3"?
I can't do this.
I c...
- My mom is
about to collapse.
I'm gonna take...
No, no, baby.
Baby, I got it. Let me.
You know, you should
listen to it.
Just don't put too much
pressure on it.
She's right.
I mean, this idea that...
someone's last words have to be
profound and meaningful...
I mean, who can
live up to that?
Exactly.
All those
"famous last words"
people supposedly said...
they're all made-up.
Like that patriotic dude,
Nathan Hale,
from third-grade history?
My only regret...
is I have but one life
to lose for my country.
You know what his real
last words were?
I'm peeing my pants!
True story.
The point is,
last words are overrated.
Look, think of it
this way.
You get to hear your dad's
voice one last time.
I should go listen
to this... alone.
Yeah.
Okay?
I'll be right back.
Okay.
Hey.
So, um, I heard
you might have...
You heard right.
I'm getting a reputation.
So what you need, mama?
Come here.
Guys, listen to
what just happened.
Judy, do you need a break?
I'm happy to cook for a while.
You think your snobby
New York cooking
is better than mine!
Admit it!
Well, go ahead, Lily!
Why don't you just whip up
a batch of your fancy
tofu-sushi bagels...
and choke on them!
Whoa.
Are you okay?
Listen.
I'm gonna go take a nap.
Judy's finally sleeping,
and it's all because of me.
Guys, I have a role.
I'm Judy's bitch! Yeah!
Well... But this day
is tough on you too. You sure
you can absorb all that?
Yeah! Robin gave me
a little orange pill
from her purse.
I don't know what's in it,
but things are flowing
pretty smooth right now.
Hey. Stay hydrated.
Hey.
So?
I couldn't listen to it.
Guys, this is hard.
We know, baby,
but you'll always wonder
if you don't.
Your dad loved you.
It almost doesn't matter
what he said.
It doesn't matter.
Guys... Guys...
What if, God forbid,
all of your dads died
right now?
What would their last words
to you have been?
Seriously.
I know mine.
When I was in Cleveland
last month,
I went to visit my dad
at his...
post-divorce bachelor pad.
Been fun bro-in' out
with you tonight, T-Dawg.
Yeah.
I'm so glad we can talk
about our sex lives now.
That's totally an improvement.
I hooked up
with a younger woman
the other week.
Donna Bromstead.
My prom date?
How far did you get,
T-Dawg?
I have to go.
How would you like those to be
your father's last words?
Well, they might be.
Donna Bromstead's
husband is a cop.
Lawyered.
Lily.
Hello?
Lily? It's Dad.
Listen, I'm sort of in jail
for not paying taxes
for the last 25 years,
but... bright side...
I thought of a great
new board game...
Tax Evasion.
Ages six to 10.
Which is ironically
what I might be looking at.
Anyway, pumpkin,
I need $15,000.
Fooled ya!
Leave a message after the beep.
We'll get back to ya.
Beep.
Lawyered.
Robin.
And so, despite
the endless disappointment
you've caused me,
I pray that this will
finally be the year...
that you achieve something
of actual significance.
I'd love to stop
lying to my friends
about you being in a coma.
Anyway, point is,
happy birthday, R.J.
- Ooh. Wow!
- God.
That's awful.
Nope.
Here's the awful part.
You remembered my birthday!
Lawyered.
Now, can we all just
admit that last words...
are, in fact,
a big deal?
Yes.
Man. I always thought
I had it rough,
not really
knowing my dad, but...
now I realize
at least I'll never have
to suffer like this.
Our next video is called
"German Shepherd Activates
Tennis Ball Cannon...
While Fat Kid
Sips Energy Drink."
Okay, Barney...
Please, and, Barney,
no more videos, okay?
I'm just...
I just need a minute.
Okay. Okay, who is
responsible for this?
Who got Cousin Daphne drunk?
She is 15 years old!
Whoa! They grown 'em big
out here.
And here's your
phone number back.
- Judy, I...
- I-I did it.
What possible excuse
could you have for this?
I'm from New York.
We think getting
minors drunk is funny.
There's nothing funny
about getting minors drunk!
You should be ashamed, Lily!
Ashamed!
Mmm! Oh, boy,
it's so tasty.
Mmm! Mmm!
That salad's the first food
she's eaten in two days.
Sure, it's mostly cheese,
mayonnaise and jelly beans,
but it counts.
Well, at least
someone's helping.
We haven't made
Marshall laugh once.
Yeah.
Showing videos of guys
getting hit in the nuts
wasn't gonna do anything.
That was just stupid.
Stupid.
What we need to do is
hit each other in the nuts.
Yes!
Nothing beats the immediacy
of live theater!
But which one of us
is gonna take the hit?
Hey, Marshall.
Mm.
Ooh!
So that's it?
No discussion?
I'm not gonna listen.
"Rent Crocodile Dundee 3"...
are the last words
that my father will ever
say to me, and...
I think I can
live with that.
Is he laughing?
And Marshall really did think
he could live with that.
That is, until later,
at the memorial service.
My last talk with Marvin...
was so lovely.
The stories his mother
and brothers told
were so perfect.
Then he picked my crying son
up off the ice,
he gave him a hug and said,
"Champ, it doesn't matter
if you fall down
once in a while."
And as we hiked,
a little deer
appeared on the path.
She hopped over to Dad
and started eating...
right out of his hand.
And then he kissed me.
And he said...
"I will always be
proud of you."
"Life is such a gift."
"You know something,
gorgeous?
I'm the luckiest man alive."
Lame.
These stories suck.
It doesn't hold a candle
to your Crocodile Dundee
thing.
Mm-mmm.
He reminded me
to slow down.
You're up next, baby.
[ Marcus Continues,
Indistinct ]
I just need some air.
Baby, are you okay?
I have to listen to it.
It's a pocket dial.
It's nothing.
Okay, so it's a pocket dial.
You know, you have so many
great memories with your dad.
Who cares about the last one?
- She's right.
You guys don't get it, okay?
None of you do.
My dad was my hero.
And he was my teacher.
And he was my best friend.
He always
came through for me.
And now he's just gone.
And what am I left with?
[ Distorted Chattering,
Static ]
Thanks a lot, God!
Thank you.
You took my father.
The greatest man
that I have ever known.
And you ripped him off
this earth way too young.
And he'll never get
to meet our kids, Lily.
But we got this voice mail.
Thank you so much
for the voice mail.
It's a great comfort!
'Cause whenever I'm starting
to feel lonely...
or sad or... or you know what...
or maybe a little bit cheated,
at least I got the sound
of his pocket to console me.
Marshall...
How is this fair?
You know, like,
an entire human life,
and it just ends
for no reason.
And...
And what are we left with?
Marshall?
Oh! Looks like
I've been calling you
for almost five minutes.
How's my pocket sound?
Oh, sorry about that,
buddy.
Um, anyway, your mom and I had
such a great time seeing you.
I love you.
Looks like your dad
came through one last time.
"I love you."
My father's last words to me
are "I love you."
Ooh. And let me know
if you find my foot cream.
That fungus thing
is acting up again.
"I love you."
My father's last words to me
are "I love you."
- Yes, they were.
- We heard it, yeah.
Loud and clear.
Bye, Pop.
So Marshall finally
got up to speak.
Funny thing though...
And then my father said
the last words that
he'll ever say to me:
"Rent Crocodile Dundee 3.
I caught it on the cable
last night,
and it totally holds up."
He decided to keep
Marvin's real last words
just for himself.
[ Marshall Continues,
Indistinct ]
Thanks.
For what?
I know what you've
been doing today.
And I really needed it.
Anytime.
That dress makes you look
like a Kansas City whore.
Sorry, dear.
Last one.
Oh, man.
I should have rented
Crocodile Dundee 3.
Okay, seriously,
how are you doing that?
Thanks.
I'll be right back.
And if I don't come back,
well, then these are
my last words to you all.
I really, really, really
love you guys.
And I'm gonna go
drop a deuce.
Oh, you ruined it!
Last words.
It's a lot of pressure, kids.
It gets you thinking.
Hi, Dad.
Hey, Mom.
I'm ready to meet my dad.
English - US - Line 21