1 00:00:02,379 --> 00:00:04,561 Kids, I bought the house we live in now way back 2 00:00:04,562 --> 00:00:06,427 before I ever met your mother. 3 00:00:06,428 --> 00:00:09,260 It needed a lot of work, but I had a vision for it. 4 00:00:09,261 --> 00:00:10,926 Vintage rolltop desk here. 5 00:00:10,927 --> 00:00:12,510 I haven't decided whether to put the fern 6 00:00:12,511 --> 00:00:13,910 on the right or the left side, 7 00:00:13,911 --> 00:00:16,010 but you know, sometimes you just gotta wing it. Right? 8 00:00:16,011 --> 00:00:17,177 Left side. 9 00:00:17,178 --> 00:00:18,343 Oh, and right outside, 10 00:00:18,344 --> 00:00:20,593 I want to put up a basketball hoop for the kids. 11 00:00:20,594 --> 00:00:22,010 - Huh? - Ted. 12 00:00:22,011 --> 00:00:24,177 This is your seduction lounge. 13 00:00:24,178 --> 00:00:26,010 Sex swing there, 14 00:00:26,011 --> 00:00:27,910 vibrating Jell-O pit right there, 15 00:00:27,911 --> 00:00:30,277 rotating Vietnamese Shame Wheel right here. 16 00:00:30,911 --> 00:00:32,377 Don't ask; you're not ready. 17 00:00:32,378 --> 00:00:35,110 And that basketball hoop? 18 00:00:35,111 --> 00:00:37,676 Outdoor stripper pole. 19 00:00:37,677 --> 00:00:39,910 We'll just tell the ladies to be careful in the winter. 20 00:00:39,911 --> 00:00:43,043 You think a tongue stuck to a frozen pole is bad... 21 00:00:43,044 --> 00:00:47,177 Hey. Barney, let's go outside for a second. 22 00:00:47,178 --> 00:00:48,926 We have a confession. 23 00:00:48,927 --> 00:00:51,776 This wasn't really about seeing Ted's house. 24 00:00:51,777 --> 00:00:53,776 It's an intervention. 25 00:00:53,777 --> 00:00:55,043 Oh, thank God. 26 00:00:55,044 --> 00:00:56,410 I'll go first. 27 00:00:56,411 --> 00:00:58,377 Ted, this house you bought for your hypothetical family 28 00:00:58,378 --> 00:00:59,609 is super weird. 29 00:00:59,610 --> 00:01:01,609 We talk about it all the time behind your back. 30 00:01:01,610 --> 00:01:03,394 Yeah. This intervention isn't for me. 31 00:01:03,395 --> 00:01:04,743 It's for you. 32 00:01:04,744 --> 00:01:06,943 Why did Barney need an intervention? 33 00:01:06,944 --> 00:01:08,976 It all started a few nights earlier. 34 00:01:08,977 --> 00:01:10,310 Barney, I can't believe 35 00:01:10,311 --> 00:01:12,427 your giant TV is broken. It's March Madness. 36 00:01:12,428 --> 00:01:14,510 Okay, uh, I think I see what the problem is. 37 00:01:14,511 --> 00:01:16,010 Barney, can you grab me a screwdriver? 38 00:01:16,011 --> 00:01:17,277 Sure thing. 39 00:01:17,278 --> 00:01:19,177 Luis. Barney Stinson, 12 H. 40 00:01:19,178 --> 00:01:21,410 I got a hundred bucks if you can be here in five. Thanks. 41 00:01:21,411 --> 00:01:23,843 You call the super for a screwdriver? 42 00:01:23,844 --> 00:01:26,077 Yeah... here's the thing about me and tools... 43 00:01:26,078 --> 00:01:28,843 the only one I know how to use is attached to me, 44 00:01:28,844 --> 00:01:31,444 and I am not going to try putting it in the TV. 45 00:01:31,445 --> 00:01:32,810 Again. 46 00:01:32,811 --> 00:01:34,760 Okay, that's ridiculous. 47 00:01:34,761 --> 00:01:36,709 Everyone should know how to use tools. 48 00:01:37,927 --> 00:01:41,010 Well, here's our screwdriver now. 49 00:01:45,544 --> 00:01:48,310 Guys, I'm pretty sure that's not Luis, 50 00:01:48,311 --> 00:01:49,643 but I can't be certain. 51 00:01:49,644 --> 00:01:50,976 Someone introduce yourself. 52 00:01:52,178 --> 00:01:55,043 Barney, I... 53 00:01:55,044 --> 00:01:57,609 I got your letter. 54 00:02:00,644 --> 00:02:02,810 Dad? 55 00:02:02,887 --> 00:02:06,807 Transcript by Addic7ed.com 56 00:02:06,808 --> 00:02:10,804 www.addic7ed.com 57 00:02:18,374 --> 00:02:20,039 I can't believe Barney is talking to his dad right now. 58 00:02:20,040 --> 00:02:21,239 Yeah, what do you say 59 00:02:21,240 --> 00:02:22,639 after three decades of not seeing each other? 60 00:02:22,640 --> 00:02:24,489 "So, how 'bout those 61 00:02:24,490 --> 00:02:26,423 last 30 Super Bowls"? 62 00:02:26,424 --> 00:02:27,555 Okay, now I feel bad 63 00:02:27,556 --> 00:02:29,589 about making fun of him for the tool thing. 64 00:02:29,590 --> 00:02:31,922 My dad was the one who taught me all that stuff. 65 00:02:31,923 --> 00:02:34,689 Well, to be fair, everyone has some glaring gap in knowledge, 66 00:02:34,690 --> 00:02:36,789 something really obvious you somehow never learned. 67 00:02:36,790 --> 00:02:38,589 Okay, but a screwdriver? 68 00:02:38,590 --> 00:02:40,522 Come on, I don't have any gaps that fundamental. 69 00:02:40,523 --> 00:02:43,656 Really? I seem to recall... 70 00:02:43,657 --> 00:02:45,539 Daniel Burnham was an architect 71 00:02:45,540 --> 00:02:47,522 whose ever-shifting style and aesthetic 72 00:02:47,523 --> 00:02:50,189 made him a true architectural chamma-leeon. 73 00:02:51,690 --> 00:02:53,056 And only the most gifted chamma-leeon 74 00:02:53,057 --> 00:02:55,656 could've designed classic beaux arts masterpieces 75 00:02:55,657 --> 00:02:59,256 right alongside sleek modern flatirons. 76 00:02:59,257 --> 00:03:01,023 His name might as well have been 77 00:03:01,024 --> 00:03:04,239 Daniel Chamma-leeon. 78 00:03:04,240 --> 00:03:05,906 Um, Professor? 79 00:03:05,907 --> 00:03:09,023 Uh, do you mean "chameleon"? 80 00:03:10,723 --> 00:03:15,589 Betty, I'm pretty sure it's pronounced "chamma-leeon," so... 81 00:03:17,823 --> 00:03:20,073 Class dismissed. 82 00:03:20,074 --> 00:03:21,889 No homework. For a while. 83 00:03:21,890 --> 00:03:24,522 Okay, I learned that word by reading it. 84 00:03:24,523 --> 00:03:26,689 That's how I've always pronounced it. 85 00:03:26,690 --> 00:03:27,922 Oh, Ted, that wasn't easy. 86 00:03:27,923 --> 00:03:30,023 It took a lot of "ch-aracter" to admit that. 87 00:03:30,024 --> 00:03:32,023 Okay, Scherbatsky. You want to tussle? 88 00:03:32,024 --> 00:03:33,356 - I'll tussle. - You want to tussle? 89 00:03:33,357 --> 00:03:35,189 - Let's tussle. - Marine biologist. 90 00:03:35,190 --> 00:03:36,856 Please, no. 91 00:03:36,857 --> 00:03:38,555 So this really sucks, but 92 00:03:38,556 --> 00:03:40,989 I'm going to be in the North Pole for the next three months. 93 00:03:40,990 --> 00:03:42,522 Seriously? 94 00:03:42,523 --> 00:03:43,756 The North Pole? 95 00:03:43,757 --> 00:03:45,572 Okay, pal, if you want to break up with me, 96 00:03:45,573 --> 00:03:48,189 just tell it to me straight. Don't pretend you're going 97 00:03:48,190 --> 00:03:49,956 someplace we all know doesn't exist. 98 00:03:49,957 --> 00:03:52,156 Um, I'm going to be studying the mating habits of... 99 00:03:52,157 --> 00:03:54,922 Of who? Santa's elves? Rudolph? 100 00:03:54,923 --> 00:03:56,789 You know what? I'm going on a trip, too, Scott. 101 00:03:56,790 --> 00:03:58,522 It, uh, starts in Narnia. 102 00:03:58,523 --> 00:04:00,256 It works its way up to Candyland, 103 00:04:00,257 --> 00:04:02,489 and then, hey, congratulate me, 104 00:04:02,490 --> 00:04:04,589 because I'm the new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher 105 00:04:04,590 --> 00:04:07,455 at Hogwarts. Expelliarmus! 106 00:04:07,456 --> 00:04:10,056 Robin, the North Pole is a real place. 107 00:04:10,057 --> 00:04:11,589 You know that, right? 108 00:04:13,523 --> 00:04:16,323 So... you want to get pizza later? Or... 109 00:04:16,324 --> 00:04:18,123 I think we should break up. 110 00:04:18,124 --> 00:04:20,089 I still think about him in the shower. 111 00:04:21,690 --> 00:04:23,989 - Hey. - Tell us everything. How'd it go, bud? 112 00:04:23,990 --> 00:04:26,256 Where do I begin? 113 00:04:27,857 --> 00:04:29,822 - So, I'm not sure how to start this. - Yeah. 114 00:04:31,521 --> 00:04:32,689 I think I need a drink. 115 00:04:32,990 --> 00:04:34,055 Me, too. 116 00:04:34,056 --> 00:04:35,322 Glen McKenna, neat. 117 00:04:35,423 --> 00:04:37,455 Nice order. Up top. 118 00:04:40,490 --> 00:04:43,689 Look, it's been 30 years. 119 00:04:43,690 --> 00:04:45,922 And now you just show up out of nowhere? 120 00:04:45,923 --> 00:04:48,989 This is... this is going to take me a minute. 121 00:04:48,990 --> 00:04:51,189 Yeah. I understand. 122 00:04:53,356 --> 00:04:55,555 By the way, hell of a tie. Is that Italian silk? 123 00:04:55,556 --> 00:04:57,956 I love you, Daddy. I'm so glad we're best friends now. 124 00:05:00,623 --> 00:05:02,073 - Make a muscle. - There you go. 125 00:05:02,074 --> 00:05:03,189 Ah! 126 00:05:03,190 --> 00:05:05,389 Guys, my dad's awesome. 127 00:05:05,390 --> 00:05:07,123 He's the mother of all fathers. 128 00:05:07,124 --> 00:05:08,389 Check this out. 129 00:05:08,390 --> 00:05:10,322 Hey, back when I was a kid, you used to be a roadie. 130 00:05:10,323 --> 00:05:13,389 - Do you still do that? - Not anymore. 131 00:05:13,390 --> 00:05:16,689 Back in '83 I'm lugging amps for The Stones through West Germany, 132 00:05:16,690 --> 00:05:18,856 and their tour manager loses his arms, 133 00:05:18,857 --> 00:05:21,023 bus-surfing through a tunnel. 134 00:05:21,024 --> 00:05:22,156 Gnarly. 135 00:05:22,157 --> 00:05:24,355 Long story short, 136 00:05:24,356 --> 00:05:27,289 I've been managing tours ever since, 137 00:05:27,290 --> 00:05:30,956 and that dude high-fives people with his face now. 138 00:05:30,957 --> 00:05:33,939 You're funny. 139 00:05:33,940 --> 00:05:35,622 My dad's funny. 140 00:05:36,522 --> 00:05:38,688 So, all these years, there's this one question 141 00:05:38,689 --> 00:05:40,305 I've been dying to ask him. 142 00:05:40,306 --> 00:05:42,722 - Why did you abandon me? - Why'd you wait so long to contact me? 143 00:05:42,723 --> 00:05:45,322 You've hurt me before, why should I trust you now? 144 00:05:46,422 --> 00:05:47,555 Do you... 145 00:05:47,756 --> 00:05:49,455 get laid a lot? 146 00:05:50,655 --> 00:05:51,922 Big-time. 147 00:05:54,988 --> 00:05:56,388 Observe. 148 00:06:15,057 --> 00:06:18,405 Oh, my God, that took you five seconds. 149 00:06:18,406 --> 00:06:19,906 Oh, was it that long? 150 00:06:19,907 --> 00:06:22,656 Life's too short for chatty chicks. 151 00:06:24,955 --> 00:06:26,455 You're a master. 152 00:06:26,556 --> 00:06:28,956 You are legen... wait for it... 153 00:06:29,057 --> 00:06:30,589 daddy! 154 00:06:30,590 --> 00:06:31,756 Legendaddy! 155 00:06:31,757 --> 00:06:33,222 The man is a god. 156 00:06:33,223 --> 00:06:36,589 And he's still out there, living the dream. 157 00:06:36,590 --> 00:06:38,455 So I'm going to Sydney tomorrow with Bon Jovi. 158 00:06:38,456 --> 00:06:40,622 I'll be on the road the rest of the year. 159 00:06:40,623 --> 00:06:42,489 Oh, that's cool. 160 00:06:42,490 --> 00:06:46,756 Say, you want to join me for the tour's Asian leg? 161 00:06:46,757 --> 00:06:49,622 This is going to be the second-most fun 162 00:06:49,623 --> 00:06:51,156 I've ever had on an Asian leg. 163 00:06:53,024 --> 00:06:55,289 Barney, we... we know you're psyched, 164 00:06:55,290 --> 00:06:57,255 but just... be careful. 165 00:06:57,256 --> 00:06:58,422 What do you mean? 166 00:06:58,423 --> 00:07:00,489 Well, this guy has flaked out on your whole life. 167 00:07:00,490 --> 00:07:01,856 It sounds like he just might be 168 00:07:01,857 --> 00:07:03,188 telling you what you want to hear. 169 00:07:03,189 --> 00:07:05,622 Barney, we just don't want to see you get hurt. 170 00:07:05,623 --> 00:07:10,123 First of all, Robin, my dad could beat up your dad. 171 00:07:10,124 --> 00:07:11,289 Second, 172 00:07:11,290 --> 00:07:12,789 you don't have to worry. 173 00:07:12,790 --> 00:07:15,089 He's cool. Now if you'll excuse me... 174 00:07:15,090 --> 00:07:17,906 I have to go renew my passport, 175 00:07:17,907 --> 00:07:20,422 and get a travel-sized rotating Vietnamese Shame Wheel. 176 00:07:21,356 --> 00:07:23,355 Don't ask; you're not ready. 177 00:07:24,690 --> 00:07:26,255 I hope Barney's dad isn't just 178 00:07:26,256 --> 00:07:28,489 pretending to be something he's not, you know? 179 00:07:28,490 --> 00:07:32,555 Yeah. That would make Jerry a real chamma-leeon. 180 00:07:34,256 --> 00:07:35,756 You have gaps, too, Lily. 181 00:07:35,757 --> 00:07:37,589 You got nothing on me. 182 00:07:38,423 --> 00:07:39,906 Hey, Lily, can you toss me a beer? 183 00:07:39,907 --> 00:07:41,689 Sure, honey. 184 00:07:44,390 --> 00:07:46,522 You have terrible aim. 185 00:07:46,523 --> 00:07:48,089 That's not true. 186 00:07:48,090 --> 00:07:49,889 Lily, at our apartment, 187 00:07:49,890 --> 00:07:53,289 you're the one who pees on the floor. 188 00:07:54,124 --> 00:07:55,589 Oh, my God. Barney's dad. 189 00:07:55,590 --> 00:07:58,289 Hey, uh, you're Barney's friends, right? 190 00:07:58,290 --> 00:08:00,539 Yeah, but... aren't you supposed to be off 191 00:08:00,540 --> 00:08:02,756 managing some tour in Australia? 192 00:08:02,757 --> 00:08:04,222 What? 193 00:08:04,223 --> 00:08:06,822 No, I... I'm a driving instructor up in White Plains. 194 00:08:07,923 --> 00:08:11,180 And I need your help... Barney won't return my calls. 195 00:08:16,426 --> 00:08:18,558 What do you mean, Barney won't return your calls? 196 00:08:18,559 --> 00:08:20,491 He said you two had an amazing night together. 197 00:08:20,492 --> 00:08:22,358 That's not what happened. 198 00:08:22,359 --> 00:08:24,191 I'm not sure how to start this. 199 00:08:24,192 --> 00:08:25,524 Yeah. 200 00:08:25,525 --> 00:08:27,408 I think I need a drink. 201 00:08:27,409 --> 00:08:28,491 Me, too. 202 00:08:28,492 --> 00:08:29,608 Glen McKenna, neat. 203 00:08:29,609 --> 00:08:31,291 Milk, skim. 204 00:08:31,292 --> 00:08:33,291 Milk? 205 00:08:33,292 --> 00:08:35,992 Oh, you're taking it easy. Crazy night? 206 00:08:35,993 --> 00:08:37,358 I'll say. 207 00:08:37,359 --> 00:08:40,291 Between you and me, I had a lot of acid last night. 208 00:08:40,292 --> 00:08:41,658 Wow. 209 00:08:41,659 --> 00:08:43,458 I think it was the chili dog. 210 00:08:43,993 --> 00:08:46,124 I had to take four Tums. 211 00:08:46,125 --> 00:08:49,124 I was up till, like, 9:30. 212 00:08:49,959 --> 00:08:51,391 Hey, um... 213 00:08:51,392 --> 00:08:53,691 When I was a kid, you used to be a roadie. 214 00:08:53,692 --> 00:08:54,992 You still do that? 215 00:08:54,993 --> 00:08:57,891 No. I switched lanes years ago. 216 00:09:00,559 --> 00:09:03,625 I should explain. I'm a driving instructor. 217 00:09:03,626 --> 00:09:05,491 Now you get it, right? 218 00:09:06,726 --> 00:09:08,324 Yeah, no, I get it. 219 00:09:08,325 --> 00:09:10,324 Um, but when I was a kid, 220 00:09:10,325 --> 00:09:12,524 you... you were this total badass. 221 00:09:12,525 --> 00:09:14,424 Oh, I know. 222 00:09:14,425 --> 00:09:16,057 I was a real hard partier. 223 00:09:16,058 --> 00:09:18,124 Yeah, okay, now we're getting to the good stuff. 224 00:09:18,125 --> 00:09:20,658 The drugs, the alcohol, the women... 225 00:09:20,659 --> 00:09:22,391 Yes, yes, yes. 226 00:09:22,392 --> 00:09:23,324 I was out of control. 227 00:09:24,993 --> 00:09:27,458 So when your mom said I couldn't see you any more, 228 00:09:27,459 --> 00:09:30,157 it was rock bottom for me. 229 00:09:31,959 --> 00:09:34,057 I'm so sorry. 230 00:09:34,892 --> 00:09:37,191 You ever bang Stevie Nicks? 231 00:09:38,325 --> 00:09:40,358 Barney wasn't interested in my apology. 232 00:09:40,359 --> 00:09:41,992 He just wanted me to be cool. 233 00:09:41,993 --> 00:09:45,925 And I was so desperate to connect with him, 234 00:09:45,926 --> 00:09:47,791 I did something I'm not proud of. 235 00:09:47,792 --> 00:09:49,424 I started bragging. 236 00:09:49,425 --> 00:09:51,925 I bet you didn't know this about me, Barney, 237 00:09:51,926 --> 00:09:54,491 but I've published two nonfiction books 238 00:09:54,492 --> 00:09:56,558 about asparagus. 239 00:09:56,559 --> 00:09:58,358 And one fiction. 240 00:09:59,993 --> 00:10:03,625 I'm credited with inventing the word "furgling." 241 00:10:04,292 --> 00:10:06,291 It means fumbling for keys. 242 00:10:07,359 --> 00:10:10,324 So then all the county fair judges started chanting, 243 00:10:10,325 --> 00:10:13,324 "More quiche! More quiche!" 244 00:10:14,993 --> 00:10:19,825 I guess you could call me the LeBron James of drapes. 245 00:10:21,225 --> 00:10:24,458 I could tell he just wanted me to be this big ladies' man, 246 00:10:24,459 --> 00:10:26,691 so... 247 00:10:28,192 --> 00:10:30,491 What a hottie, huh? 248 00:10:30,492 --> 00:10:32,558 I'm sure you're a real player. 249 00:10:32,559 --> 00:10:35,441 Big-time. 250 00:10:35,442 --> 00:10:37,608 Observe. 251 00:10:47,025 --> 00:10:49,758 Excuse me, that's my son over there. 252 00:10:50,726 --> 00:10:52,825 I'm trying to reconnect with him after 30 years. 253 00:10:52,826 --> 00:10:55,858 Would you just write down any seven numbers here, 254 00:10:55,859 --> 00:10:57,458 so that I can impress him? 255 00:10:57,459 --> 00:10:59,358 Please, I'm desperate. 256 00:11:03,258 --> 00:11:06,057 Oh, my God, you're a natural. 257 00:11:06,058 --> 00:11:08,658 Think of the pickup plays we can run as a father-son duo. 258 00:11:08,659 --> 00:11:10,324 There's the "Father Knows Breast," 259 00:11:10,325 --> 00:11:11,324 there's the 260 00:11:11,325 --> 00:11:12,741 "Bush Dynasty," 261 00:11:12,742 --> 00:11:14,524 the "Lick Father, Lick Son." 262 00:11:14,525 --> 00:11:15,524 Oh, no, no. 263 00:11:15,525 --> 00:11:16,991 I couldn't do that. 264 00:11:16,992 --> 00:11:17,775 Why? 265 00:11:17,776 --> 00:11:19,024 I have a family now. 266 00:11:19,025 --> 00:11:20,391 That's my wife 267 00:11:20,392 --> 00:11:23,825 Cheryl, my daughter Carly... she's in college. 268 00:11:23,826 --> 00:11:25,458 This is my son J.J. 269 00:11:25,459 --> 00:11:26,908 I was hoping you could come over 270 00:11:26,909 --> 00:11:28,324 to dinner sometime and meet them. 271 00:11:28,325 --> 00:11:30,157 You're all wearing matching sweaters. 272 00:11:30,158 --> 00:11:31,358 That's cute. 273 00:11:32,158 --> 00:11:35,224 Look, I got to get going, Jerry. 274 00:11:35,225 --> 00:11:36,758 But, uh, this was great. 275 00:11:36,759 --> 00:11:38,191 Glad we did this. 276 00:11:41,325 --> 00:11:45,024 I made him wait all these years for me and... 277 00:11:45,025 --> 00:11:47,791 I'm just not the guy he wanted me to be. 278 00:11:48,626 --> 00:11:50,858 I know I don't deserve it, but... 279 00:11:50,859 --> 00:11:53,458 I need another chance to connect with my son. 280 00:11:55,592 --> 00:11:57,991 We think you should give him another chance. 281 00:11:57,992 --> 00:12:00,157 That's the real reason we're out here. 282 00:12:00,158 --> 00:12:02,124 He lives ten minutes away. 283 00:12:02,125 --> 00:12:03,625 What? 284 00:12:03,626 --> 00:12:05,324 You're having dinner with him tonight. 285 00:12:05,325 --> 00:12:07,524 No, I most certainly am not. 286 00:12:08,525 --> 00:12:09,658 Look, I met him. 287 00:12:09,659 --> 00:12:11,224 He's not my kind of bro and that's that. 288 00:12:11,225 --> 00:12:12,391 Are you sure it's not more than that? 289 00:12:12,392 --> 00:12:13,858 Guys, get it through your heads. 290 00:12:13,859 --> 00:12:17,324 I am never gonna talk to my dad again. 291 00:12:17,325 --> 00:12:19,324 No, Barney. 292 00:12:19,325 --> 00:12:21,791 I'm never gonna talk to my dad again. 293 00:12:22,726 --> 00:12:24,524 But your dad is alive 294 00:12:24,525 --> 00:12:27,224 and he lives just down the road. 295 00:12:30,992 --> 00:12:32,024 Fine, I'll go. 296 00:12:32,025 --> 00:12:33,024 Awesome. 297 00:12:33,025 --> 00:12:34,191 Um, Lily, keys. 298 00:12:39,459 --> 00:12:42,528 I'm literally 11 inches from you. 299 00:12:46,808 --> 00:12:49,740 And so Barney agreed to give his dad one more chance. 300 00:12:49,750 --> 00:12:52,049 Hello. You must be Barney. 301 00:12:52,050 --> 00:12:53,099 I'm Cheryl. 302 00:12:53,100 --> 00:12:55,266 It's just so nice to finally meet you. 303 00:12:55,267 --> 00:12:57,266 I love that suit. 304 00:12:57,267 --> 00:12:58,583 Oh, thank you very much. 305 00:12:58,584 --> 00:13:00,982 And I love your... 306 00:13:03,684 --> 00:13:05,116 coat. 307 00:13:05,117 --> 00:13:06,483 I love your coat. 308 00:13:06,484 --> 00:13:08,383 Oh, that's your coat, Barney. 309 00:13:08,384 --> 00:13:10,383 I just took it from you. 310 00:13:10,384 --> 00:13:12,149 Well, I do love it. 311 00:13:12,150 --> 00:13:15,149 It's doing a nice job covering up that chair. 312 00:13:16,883 --> 00:13:19,149 Guess now we wait. 313 00:13:19,150 --> 00:13:21,349 Hey, I got an idea how to pass the time. 314 00:13:21,350 --> 00:13:22,599 A little trivia game. 315 00:13:22,600 --> 00:13:26,116 Robin, reindeer: real or fake? 316 00:13:27,117 --> 00:13:28,082 Okay, I'm not an idiot. 317 00:13:28,083 --> 00:13:31,750 Reindeer are obviously f... re... fake? 318 00:13:31,751 --> 00:13:32,882 Yikes! 319 00:13:32,883 --> 00:13:34,815 I'm surrounded by a bunch of dum-dums. 320 00:13:36,484 --> 00:13:38,683 Good thing I don't have any gaps in my knowledge. 321 00:13:41,517 --> 00:13:44,216 I am perfect. 322 00:13:44,217 --> 00:13:46,849 Oh, for the love of God, guys, enough already. 323 00:13:46,850 --> 00:13:48,149 What, baby? 324 00:13:48,150 --> 00:13:49,616 You've been treating me with kid gloves 325 00:13:49,617 --> 00:13:51,149 ever since my dad died. 326 00:13:51,150 --> 00:13:52,216 That's not true. 327 00:13:52,217 --> 00:13:53,583 Robin, don't disagree with Marshall. 328 00:13:53,584 --> 00:13:54,583 I'm sorry. 329 00:13:54,584 --> 00:13:56,849 I first noticed it at the bar. 330 00:13:56,850 --> 00:13:57,815 Hey, Lily, 331 00:13:57,816 --> 00:13:59,416 Can you get me a mojito? 332 00:13:59,417 --> 00:14:01,483 Normally, you would've given me crap 333 00:14:01,484 --> 00:14:04,182 for an hour about a voice crack that pubescently girl-like, 334 00:14:04,183 --> 00:14:05,282 but nothing. 335 00:14:05,283 --> 00:14:07,716 So then I started to test you guys. 336 00:14:07,717 --> 00:14:10,583 The Phantom Menace is by far the best Star Wars movie. 337 00:14:13,050 --> 00:14:16,349 It ages well, that's the thing. 338 00:14:16,350 --> 00:14:19,216 You guys like my new soul patch? 339 00:14:19,217 --> 00:14:22,082 Righteous hair tab, brotha. 340 00:14:22,083 --> 00:14:23,683 And once I figured it out, 341 00:14:23,684 --> 00:14:27,549 I started doing crazy stuff to see how far you'd let me go. 342 00:14:27,550 --> 00:14:29,516 Hey, guys. 343 00:14:29,950 --> 00:14:31,182 This is Rex. 344 00:14:31,183 --> 00:14:34,116 He's a possum. 345 00:14:34,117 --> 00:14:36,449 I found him in the trash. 346 00:14:36,450 --> 00:14:38,015 He lives with us now. 347 00:14:38,850 --> 00:14:41,015 I love him. 348 00:14:41,016 --> 00:14:44,915 Lily, we are living with a possum. 349 00:14:44,916 --> 00:14:47,649 Rex is violent and he hates us. 350 00:14:47,650 --> 00:14:50,116 But, baby, you just lost your dad. 351 00:14:50,117 --> 00:14:51,416 None of us wants to upset you. 352 00:14:51,417 --> 00:14:52,416 Please. 353 00:14:52,417 --> 00:14:53,516 If you guys really want me 354 00:14:53,517 --> 00:14:55,282 to get over the worst tragedy of my life, 355 00:14:55,283 --> 00:14:57,516 I'm begging you, tear me a new one. 356 00:14:57,517 --> 00:15:00,416 But not like Rex tried to in my sleep last night. 357 00:15:01,800 --> 00:15:03,882 J.J., dinner. 358 00:15:03,883 --> 00:15:05,849 When I got your letter, I dug this up. 359 00:15:05,850 --> 00:15:07,949 You were probably too young to remember, 360 00:15:07,950 --> 00:15:12,049 but this is you, this is me, and, of course, ZZ Top. 361 00:15:12,050 --> 00:15:14,349 I do remember that. 362 00:15:14,350 --> 00:15:16,316 I climbed up on that dude's lap and told him 363 00:15:16,317 --> 00:15:17,749 what I wanted for Christmas. 364 00:15:19,317 --> 00:15:22,049 Yeah, I used to love taking you backstage. 365 00:15:22,050 --> 00:15:24,649 You were the coolest little kid. 366 00:15:26,550 --> 00:15:28,882 Hi, Barney. It's great to finally meet you. 367 00:15:28,883 --> 00:15:31,815 J.J., I'm talking to Dad right now. God. 368 00:15:33,016 --> 00:15:34,082 Seriously, 369 00:15:34,083 --> 00:15:35,132 it's time. 370 00:15:35,133 --> 00:15:36,549 What are my gaps? 371 00:15:37,484 --> 00:15:41,082 Well, I guess maybe one gap you have is... 372 00:15:41,083 --> 00:15:42,649 you can't wink. 373 00:15:42,650 --> 00:15:45,815 Don't you think that maybe we should go home 374 00:15:45,816 --> 00:15:49,049 and, uh, "do the laundry"? 375 00:15:52,584 --> 00:15:54,882 You can't swallow pills. 376 00:15:57,283 --> 00:16:00,216 Ooh, ooh, I got one. 377 00:16:00,217 --> 00:16:03,682 You think John Kennedy and Jack Kennedy are the same person. 378 00:16:04,816 --> 00:16:06,149 Right? 379 00:16:06,916 --> 00:16:08,682 What? 380 00:16:08,683 --> 00:16:09,949 So, Barney, I understand 381 00:16:09,950 --> 00:16:11,882 you have a pretty big job with a bank. 382 00:16:11,883 --> 00:16:12,815 Yeah, I do. 383 00:16:12,816 --> 00:16:14,849 I make a ton of money. 384 00:16:14,850 --> 00:16:16,715 How much do you make, J.J.? 385 00:16:16,716 --> 00:16:19,015 I'm 11. 386 00:16:19,016 --> 00:16:22,648 Oh, well, huh, now we all know you make excuses. 387 00:16:22,649 --> 00:16:24,682 I was talking about money. 388 00:16:24,683 --> 00:16:26,383 Actually, J.J. has a job. 389 00:16:26,384 --> 00:16:27,383 Tell him, J.J. 390 00:16:27,384 --> 00:16:28,749 I got a paper route. 391 00:16:29,683 --> 00:16:31,782 Good time to get into print media. 392 00:16:31,783 --> 00:16:32,849 Am I right, Dad? 393 00:16:32,850 --> 00:16:34,015 Good slam, Barney. 394 00:16:34,016 --> 00:16:35,149 Jerry. 395 00:16:35,150 --> 00:16:36,648 It's all good fun. 396 00:16:36,649 --> 00:16:39,383 Just ribbing among long lost brothers. 397 00:16:39,384 --> 00:16:42,216 J.J.'s a heck of a basketball player. 398 00:16:42,217 --> 00:16:45,383 Uh, you don't strike me as the athletic type, Jayj. 399 00:16:45,384 --> 00:16:48,349 Dad, check it. 400 00:16:53,966 --> 00:16:56,815 Triceps. 401 00:16:56,816 --> 00:16:58,648 What gym do you go to? 402 00:16:58,649 --> 00:17:00,249 Fourth period? 403 00:17:00,250 --> 00:17:02,483 Sounds like you're having your fourth period. 404 00:17:02,484 --> 00:17:03,483 Am I right, Dad? 405 00:17:03,484 --> 00:17:04,466 Got him again. 406 00:17:04,467 --> 00:17:05,483 Jerry! 407 00:17:05,484 --> 00:17:06,598 Oh, okay, Barney. 408 00:17:06,599 --> 00:17:08,015 Uh, maybe that's enough. 409 00:17:08,016 --> 00:17:09,299 Why? J.J. started it. 410 00:17:09,300 --> 00:17:11,149 What does J.J. even stand for anyway? 411 00:17:11,150 --> 00:17:14,483 J... Jerky... Jerkface? 412 00:17:15,250 --> 00:17:17,082 J.J. stands for Jerome Jr. 413 00:17:17,083 --> 00:17:19,715 Jerome Jr...? 414 00:17:21,484 --> 00:17:24,483 Oh. 415 00:17:24,484 --> 00:17:27,383 He's... he's named after you. 416 00:17:28,217 --> 00:17:30,299 Excuse me. 417 00:17:33,983 --> 00:17:36,349 I like having a brother. 418 00:17:37,649 --> 00:17:39,516 You always add too much water to oatmeal. 419 00:17:39,517 --> 00:17:40,915 Yes, I drown the son of a bitch. 420 00:17:40,916 --> 00:17:43,216 You consistently miss at least one belt loop. 421 00:17:43,217 --> 00:17:44,582 It's like I'm blind. 422 00:17:44,583 --> 00:17:46,715 You're too old to ask to see the cockpit. 423 00:17:46,716 --> 00:17:48,882 Whoa. Whoa. 424 00:17:48,883 --> 00:17:50,982 Guys, my dad just died. 425 00:17:50,983 --> 00:17:52,749 Aw, honey. 426 00:17:52,750 --> 00:17:54,049 No, I'm just kidding. 427 00:17:54,050 --> 00:17:55,149 This is great. 428 00:17:55,150 --> 00:17:56,882 I really, I really missed this. 429 00:18:00,783 --> 00:18:02,049 Barney, what is going on? 430 00:18:02,050 --> 00:18:03,015 This is mine. 431 00:18:03,016 --> 00:18:04,149 I don't understand. 432 00:18:04,150 --> 00:18:06,416 J.J. gets a childhood, a dad, 433 00:18:06,417 --> 00:18:08,815 a real family and a basketball hoop? 434 00:18:08,816 --> 00:18:10,516 No, no. I at least get the hoop. 435 00:18:10,517 --> 00:18:11,615 I'm taking it with me. 436 00:18:11,616 --> 00:18:13,149 Please, just come down and talk to me. 437 00:18:13,150 --> 00:18:14,249 Why? Why should I? 438 00:18:14,250 --> 00:18:15,449 You're lame, okay? 439 00:18:15,450 --> 00:18:18,483 You're just some lame suburban dad. 440 00:18:18,484 --> 00:18:19,815 Why does that make you so mad? 441 00:18:19,816 --> 00:18:22,116 Because if you were gonna be some lame suburban dad, 442 00:18:22,117 --> 00:18:24,483 why couldn't you have been that for me? 443 00:18:25,317 --> 00:18:29,349 Look, Barney, I know I screwed up... 444 00:18:29,350 --> 00:18:32,116 Oh, "screwed up" doesn't even begin to describe... 445 00:18:32,117 --> 00:18:34,349 I know, I know, I know! 446 00:18:34,983 --> 00:18:35,982 I want to fix this, 447 00:18:35,983 --> 00:18:36,982 and I don't know how! 448 00:18:36,983 --> 00:18:38,216 Please, tell me what I can do! 449 00:18:38,217 --> 00:18:39,416 I'll do anything! 450 00:18:55,749 --> 00:18:57,882 You're never gonna get it down like that. 451 00:19:08,483 --> 00:19:09,515 Barney. Barney! 452 00:19:09,516 --> 00:19:13,782 Just put the pointy end into the grooves. 453 00:19:16,384 --> 00:19:18,249 That's it. Now turn it. 454 00:19:18,250 --> 00:19:19,949 Righty tighty, 455 00:19:19,950 --> 00:19:21,182 lefty loosey. 456 00:19:26,783 --> 00:19:29,182 I have no good excuse, Barney. 457 00:19:29,183 --> 00:19:30,782 It took me years 458 00:19:30,783 --> 00:19:33,316 before I was even able to look myself in the mirror 459 00:19:33,317 --> 00:19:35,099 for the way I let you down. 460 00:19:36,350 --> 00:19:38,849 It took courage to send me that letter. 461 00:19:40,050 --> 00:19:42,648 More courage than I've ever had. 462 00:19:42,649 --> 00:19:44,349 I owe you a lifetime 463 00:19:44,350 --> 00:19:46,949 of apologies, and I... 464 00:19:46,950 --> 00:19:50,849 I just have no idea where to begin. 465 00:19:56,850 --> 00:19:58,548 Can you help me with this? 466 00:20:03,050 --> 00:20:05,249 Here, got it. 467 00:20:09,883 --> 00:20:12,383 Look, if you... 468 00:20:12,384 --> 00:20:15,515 ever feel like you're ready, 469 00:20:15,516 --> 00:20:18,782 I'd love nothing more than to be a part of your life. 470 00:20:24,384 --> 00:20:25,849 Bye. 471 00:20:35,383 --> 00:20:37,882 Are you sure you don't want to talk about it? 472 00:20:37,883 --> 00:20:39,282 I'm fine. 473 00:20:41,100 --> 00:20:42,515 Hey, Ted. 474 00:20:42,516 --> 00:20:43,515 Yeah, buddy? 475 00:20:43,516 --> 00:20:44,782 You, uh, still want 476 00:20:44,783 --> 00:20:46,249 a basketball hoop out there? 477 00:20:46,250 --> 00:20:50,149 Oh, well, I also really liked your outdoor stripper pole idea. 478 00:20:50,150 --> 00:20:52,182 Yeah, it's fine. 479 00:20:52,183 --> 00:20:54,116 No, you were right. 480 00:20:57,350 --> 00:20:59,785 A kid needs a hoop. 481 00:21:04,463 --> 00:21:08,331 www.addic7ed.com