Kids, as you know,
I was designing
Goliath National Bank's
new headquarters...
on the site of this old hotel,
the Arcadian.
GNB is the enemy!
Problem was,
some people didn't want
the Arcadian torn down.
Even bigger problem, they were
led by my girlfriend, Zoey.
Oh, hang on,
hang on, hang on!
Hey, sweetie.
Are we still on for dinner
at 8:00 at Valenzizi's?
That's great!
I can't wait!
That's great! I can't wait!
But somehow, Zoey and I
were making it work.
Ted, why are you dating
our archenemy?
I mean, Wile E. Coyote
wouldn't try to sleep
with the Road Runner.
Or maybe he was.
Think about it.
The way that she bats
her eyelashes and shakes
her tail feathers in his face.
She wants it.
Isn't it hard for you guys
to be on opposite sides
of something like this?
Of course you feel
that way, Lily.
You and Marshall
have basically melded into
one big hermaphroditic blob,
and that's fine
for you guys.
But some of us want a partner
who challenges us
to grow and evolve.
You guys are
in screaming matches
all the time.
Uh-uh. Uh-uh. Uh-uh.
Growing matches.
It was true. Zoey and I loved
to challenge each other.
The main character
is a young, spoiled prince...
thrust into leadership
after the death of his father.
It's obviously a modern-day
retelling of Henry IV.
Are you kidding me?
It's Don Quixote.
The classic quest story
with the hero-jester and his
long-suffering manservant.
Okay. Clearly, when we're
watching Tommy Boy, we're
watching two different movies.
No. You hang up.
No! You hang up.
No. You hang up.
No. You hang up!
No. You hang up.
No. You...
Hold on.
Hello?
For the love of God,
will one of you idiots
hang up the phone!
Why would you do that?
I... I thought you'd like it.
Who likes that?
I like it.
Your relationship
sounds exhausting.
Well, maybe yours
is a bit lazy.
Marshall and I have
been together 15 years,
and the only debate we've
had about Tommy Boy...
is whether it's awesome
or super awesome.
That's love, bitch.
Now, around this time, Marshall
had truly come to hate his job.
He hated the paperwork.
He hated the coffee.
He hated the dirty jokes.
He hated everything.
- I have to quit.
- Quit GNB? Why?
I need to do better things
with my life, okay?
There's... There's an opening
for an environmental lawyer...
at the National Resources
Defense Counsel.
Sure, it pays less,
but I'd be saving the oceans,
saving endangered species.
Saving chicken bones and
an old boot to make hobo soup.
Marshall, you can't pay your
mortgage with Hacky Sacks and
good vibes.
Baby, you have
my full support.
Well, then you're not gonna
be able to pay for that trip
to Spain...
that you've been planning.
Yeah, say good-bye to riding
around in gondolas...
and eating bratwurst
and seeing the pyramids.
I don't think you know
what Spain is.
Well, I know that a trip there
costs some serious lira.
- It's "dinero."
- Where? I want his autograph!
So, Marshall walked in the
next morning all ready to quit.
But then something weird
happened.
Suddenly he didn't
hate the paperwork.
He didn't hate the coffee.
He didn't even hate
the dirty jokes.
Out of nowhere,
Marshall actually liked GNB.
- It's graduation goggles.
- What?
Graduation goggles.
Like with high school.
It's four years of bullies
making fun of all the kids
with braces,
even after the braces come off
and they can walk just fine.
But then on graduation day,
you suddenly get all misty...
because you realize you're never
gonna see those jerks again.
I just had graduation goggles
with that guy Scooby I dated.
The guy who was
basically a dog?
He was the worst kisser
I've ever been with.
But the moment I decided
to dump him...
I suddenly got
kinda wistful.
He was a good boy.
Yeah,
I've been there too.
Every time I'm done
having sex with a woman,
at first, I never want
to see her again, but then...
No, that's pretty much it.
The point is, you can't
trust graduation goggles.
They're just as misleading
as beer goggles, bridesmaid
goggles...
and "that's just a bulky...
outdated cell phone
in his front pocket" goggles.
That one was a bummer.
You're right. Tomorrow
I'm quitting GNB.
No! You can't quit tomorrow!
The lady with the big nipples
is coming back...
to give another
sexual harassment seminar,
and I bribed one
of the maintenance guys to keep
the room at a brisk 55 degrees.
Baby, more than ever,
you have my full support.
You know,
sometimes I feel bad
for Lily and Marshall.
I'm starting to feel bad
for Ted and Zoey.
It starts with an "L"?
How can you not
remember my name?
It's like they never
challenge each other.
They just automatically
agree all the time.
Well, they don't
do that all the time.
Yes, they do.
No, they don't.
Yes, they do.
It's like they don't see
eye to eye on anything.
Eye to eye on anything.
Totally.
It rhymes
with your name.
And I said my name was...
Baby, I did it.
I quit!
And then I walked
right over to the NRDC:
and I took that job.
Oh, good for you, sweetie!
Yeah, yeah.
It's a little less money
than I was expecting.
I mean, compared to what
I was making at GNB,
it's nothing.
Actually, compared
to anything, it's nothing.
It's nothing.
The paid position just got
filled, so all I can do
is volunteer right now.
You're cool with that,
right?
Baby, if this
is what you need to do,
we'll figure it out.
How's Barney
handling you leaving?
Hey, Barney, there's
a bunch of models
in the lobby,
and the gossip is one of them
is really a dude.
You wanna play
Who's Hot and Who's Scott?
It's always the one
in the turtleneck, Ted.
No, I don't wanna play.
Stupid Marshall,
he ruined everything.
Oh, come on.
Everything's not ruined.
- Guys, everything's ruined.
- What? Why?
Your girlfriend somehow
got the landmark preservation
committee to agree to a hearing.
If they declare
the Arcadian a landmark,
the whole project is dead.
The good news is I just got the
phone number of a husky-voiced
hottie in a turtleneck.
Ha-ha-ha!
So, if the landmark
preservation committee
sides with Zoey,
your whole project
goes down the tubes?
- You must be furious.
- I'm furiously enjoying
being challenged.
Why don't you admit
that your girlfriend
challenging your every move...
is getting you
a little murder-suicidey?
Why don't you admit that
Marshall quitting his job...
and taking
an unpaid internship
is killing you?
It's not.
Lily.
The downside to having
giant Japanese anime eyes is
that they're easy to read.
And yours are screaming,
"What about my trip
to Spain, deadbeat?"
Okay, Ted, the downside
to having a woman's mouth...
is your feminine pout
gives away your true feelings,
and yours is saying,
"Oh, Zoey, why can't I be
on top just this once?"
We take turns!
Sometimes.
Hey, guys. Thanks.
I just had the best
first day at the NRDC:
I'm sorry. Sorry.
Something Hershel
said at work today.
Hershel?
What? Don't you guys
know Hershel?
Did I tell you?
Oh, he's the new lawyer
who replaced Marshall at GNB.
He is so awesome
and funny and tall.
Taller than Marshall.
And he knows
way more laws.
- Uh, I'm glad you like
your new coworker.
- There's no Hershel!
I was just saying that
to make you jealous.
- Why do you insist
we play these games?
- Barney, I'm not...
Just come back
to GNB already!
- I'm really loving my new job.
- Oh, and I'm loving
seeing you this happy.
I'm glad to hear you say that
because I volunteered
our apartment...
for a big NRDC fund-raiser
tomorrow night.
- You're cool with that, right?
- Baby, you have my full support.
- Thanks, baby.
- Oh.
Oop! I gotta go.
The invitations are ready.
The party's for
a bunch of environmentalists,
so I found a guy downtown...
who makes biodegradable
party invitations that can
also be used as toilet paper.
That's how
I'm gonna use mine.
Why in the world do you
care so much whether
Marshall works at GNB?
Care? I don't care.
I'm, like, whatever.
Marshall who?
He's stupid.
Hershel's way better.
Barney, is it possible that,
with everything that's gone on
with your dad lately,
you might have some unresolved
abandonment issues you're
transferring onto Marshall?
Oh, blecch!
You are worse than my shrink.
"Barney, we have to talk
about your father."
"Barney, I'm not gonna teach you
how to hypnotize people.
You'll only use it for evil."
"Barney, I'm not gonna
conduct a couples session
between you and this woman.
She's obviously
a prostitute."
I don't need this!
Ah, Lily Aldrin,
half of the world's
most perfect couple.
I was thinking about
that "woman's mouth" comment,
and I have three good comebacks.
One. Your mom didn't seem
to mind it last night...
No, Ted, I need a favor.
Would you mind driving
out to Kennedy with me...
to pick up
this famous ecologist
for Marshall's fund-raiser?
Apparently, he only
speaks Spanish, and you
speak Spanish, right?
Perfect. Let's go.
Hey, Marshall, it's me.
Listen, I know I've been kind of
a jerk about your leaving GNB.
I just wanted to call
and say I'm sorry.
No apologies necessary.
We're good.
Good. Um...
Hey, any chance you might,
maybe... I don't know...
if you're not busy,
uh, wanna have lunch today?
Oh, buddy, I'd love to,
but I can't.
Oh, that's cool.
No biggie.
Another time.
Oh, my God!
- How long have you been there?
- You don't remember?
Hey, I was
in the neighborhood.
I just wanted
to check in on you.
You seemed, um...
You seemed really upset
the other day.
- Oh, no. I'm fine.
- Okay.
- Well, um, you wanna
go grab some lunch?
- Sure.
- Hey, you okay if I invite
Marshall to join us?
- Yeah.
Right.
So, um, Chinese?
You know, just because Zoey
and I are a different kind of
couple than you and Marshall...
doesn't make us
a worse couple.
You're right.
I-If you and Zoey are happy,
then who am I to judge?
I'm so sorry.
Oh, my God.
Is that how support feels?
It's so warm
and wonderful.
Oh, Lily,
I've been so unhappy.
But I thought you liked
being challenged?
Nobody likes
being challenged!
Couldn't she agree
with me just once,
even on something little,
like... like what movie to see
or... or what topping
to get on a pizza...
or... oh, I don't know...
my lifelong dream of building
a skyscraper in New York City?
Well, in her defense,
hamburger pizza, Ted?
What are you, 12?
You were right, Lily.
I mean, Zoey's great,
but sometimes I-I do wish...
we were a little more
like you and Marshall.
There he is.
Here we go.
I'm sorry. I don't speak...
whatever it is you're speaking.
Um, he speaks
perfect English.
Yeah, I-I know.
Why did you
ask me to come?
So you could drive him
to the fund-raiser.
Supporting Marshall
this much is
driving me crazy.
I'm going to Spain.
My flight leaves
in 45 minutes.
Adios, muchacho.
Wait. Wait, wait, wait!
What do you mean
you're going to Spain?
You were right.
If I hear myself say,
"Baby, you have my full support"
one more time,
I swear
I'm gonna murder someone!
What are you gonna
tell Marshall, huh?
And when are you
coming back?
I honestly haven't
thought it all the way through,
and I don't intend to.
All I know is that
I'm a ticking time bomb,
and if I don't do
something for me right away,
I swear I'm gonna explode!
Wow! That's an evocative
metaphor to use...
for your nonthreatening,
totally patriotic emotions.
U.S.A.!
Okay, Lily, I get it.
Marshall's been asking
a lot lately.
But the thing to do is-is
tell him you've had enough.
I've never been good at that.
And now,
ever since his dad died,
I-I feel like it's my job
to just be fine with everything.
But I'm not. I'm not fine
that he volunteers our apartment
for a giant fund-raiser...
and that he's not thinking
about how we're gonna pay
any of our bills...
and that, apparently,
we've given up on trying
to have kids.
Lil.
I'm sorry, Ted.
I just... I gotta do this.
My bag?
Oh, no. I got it.
- There's nothin' to talk about.
- You trashed your office today!
I mean, you obviously
have some deep feelings
you're not confronting,
and I think
they're about your dad.
I don't wanna talk
about it, okay?
Why not?
Because I don't!
And why am I explaining
this to you?
You're the most secretive
person I know. You never
tell anybody anything.
I've never told anyone
this before.
Um, I was 16.
I was awakened
around midnight...
by the sound
of my father arguing...
with his business partner,
Andy Grenier.
As things grew heated,
I watched my father's hands
slowly coil around...
the heavy antique clock
on his desk.
The sun was just
starting to rise
over the bramble orchard...
as we packed the fresh earth
down with the flats
of our shovels.
My dad and I
got our stories straight.
We walked back
to the house in silence...
and... haven't
talked about it since.
But sometimes,
on a still night,
I can still
hear that clock...
ticking, ticking, ticking.
That's the most harrowing story
I've ever heard.
Is it true?
No.
But it did get you
to drink three scotches,
which is why you're ready
to spill your guts.
Fine.
The reason I'm upset about
Marshall leaving GNB is...
is...
Hey.
The meatball sub.
- Huh?
- It all started months ago
in the GNB commissary.
It was meatball sub day.
Oh, how I used to love
meatball sub day.
And then, the most
humiliating moment of my life.
Hey, buddy. I think you got
a tiny bit of marinara sauce
on your tie there.
I plotted my revenge for weeks,
but nothing seemed right.
Then it hit me.
The answer
was so elegant and simple.
An exploding meatball sub.
For months, I experimented.
More marinara sauce.
Finally, the sub was perfected.
The plan was in place.
The snare was baited.
And then he quit, Robin.
He quit!
It's meatball sub day today,
which is why I wanted Marshall
to come over and have lunch.
But no.
All that work wasted.
You wanna make God laugh?
Tell him your plans, right?
What is wrong with you?
Hey. Oh, Professor Rodriguez.
Thank you so much for coming.
Oh, my pleasure.
I have to use
the restroom.
Do you have some
extra invitations?
Right over there.
Enjoy.
Hey.
Hey, thanks for
picking him up.
Yeah. Absolutely.
Listen, something happened
at the airport. Um...
What?
Well, we got there,
and, uh, Lily...
Lily...
Marshall, hey. Sorry.
I, uh, had to park
and... and grab some ice.
Sorry.
Oh, thanks, babe.
Mmm.
You would not believe how much
this one has done to help
throw this party, Ted.
I don't know
how she does it.
Can't be easy,
huh, Lil?
Yeah. Listen, Marshall.
I-I need to talk to you
about something.
No, you know what?
Me too. Um...
I want to thank you
for being so supportive
of me in all this.
I've been at the NRDC
for less than a week,
and I've already
done more to be proud of
than in two years at GNB.
I can't believe
how good it feels.
But now it's time for me to...
to find a way to help the earth
and get paid for it,
because I can't put
that burden entirely on you.
So, starting tomorrow,
I'll look for something
with a paycheck.
What do you think?
Baby, you have
my full support.
Mmm.
Ted.
Hey! What are you
doin' here?
This is really important
to Marshall, so I came
to show my support.
This you can
be supportive of?
What is that supposed to mean?
I have the chance
to build a skyscraper
in the best city on earth,
and who's the one
leading the charge
to kill that dream?
My girlfriend!
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
What about my lifelong dream
of not seeing every beautiful
building in Manhattan bulldozed?
And in
that moment I realized, though
I really cared about Zoey,
I couldn't do this
for the next 50 years.
I had to break up with her.
But then...
Kids, some couples
always support each other,
and some couples always
challenge each other.
But is one really better
than the other?
Yes. Support is better,
way better.
But I'd have to learn that
the hard way.
You're too young.
This isn't fair.
We're not goin'
anywhere, buddy.
- We're gonna stay here
right till the end.
- Thank you, Marshall.
Marshall, can I ask
one final favor, my friend?
Yes, of course.
Of course. Anything.
Eat this meatball sub.
- Where-Where'd
you get a meatball...
- I don't have much time!
Yes, yes. Of course.
Of course.
Does this have some sort
of special meaning?
Ha, ha, ha, ha!
I'm not sick, you idiots!
I've racked up $30,000
of uninsured medical bills
for symptoms I don't even have.
Totally worth it!
You should see
the look on your face.
Oh, wait. You can't,
'cause it's covered
in marinara sauce!
Ah, ha, ha!
Uh, Barney,
you got a little marinara
on your pajamas.
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