1 00:00:02,533 --> 00:00:05,637 Barney, afraid this is good-bye. 2 00:00:05,644 --> 00:00:07,513 Your buzz kill of a ma 3 00:00:07,515 --> 00:00:09,711 thinks I'm a... a bad influence on you. 4 00:00:09,736 --> 00:00:10,937 What? That's... 5 00:00:11,218 --> 00:00:12,785 What is that word you taught me? 6 00:00:12,787 --> 00:00:15,056 "Bull" something? 7 00:00:15,058 --> 00:00:16,877 But she's your mother and I'm... 8 00:00:16,879 --> 00:00:19,265 you know, I'm just your Uncle Jerry. 9 00:00:19,267 --> 00:00:21,687 So, this is the last time I can see you. 10 00:00:21,689 --> 00:00:24,175 But you're supposed to take me to see 11 00:00:24,177 --> 00:00:26,179 that Zeppelin cover band next week. 12 00:00:26,181 --> 00:00:28,684 The night is gonna be... 13 00:00:28,686 --> 00:00:31,122 Led-and-Jerry. 14 00:00:31,124 --> 00:00:32,959 Sorry, buddy, but this is it. 15 00:00:32,961 --> 00:00:35,364 But don't you forget your training. 16 00:00:35,366 --> 00:00:37,084 What's a magician's best friend? 17 00:00:37,086 --> 00:00:38,170 A drunk audience. 18 00:00:38,172 --> 00:00:39,539 Attaboy. 19 00:00:39,541 --> 00:00:43,096 You still got that button from the festival we went to? 20 00:00:47,256 --> 00:00:50,561 Now... I'm gonna put this 21 00:00:50,563 --> 00:00:52,565 right inside your brain, behind your ear... 22 00:00:54,370 --> 00:00:56,807 so that I'll know that you won't forget me. 23 00:00:58,545 --> 00:00:59,712 See you, buddy. 24 00:01:00,915 --> 00:01:03,119 And hey... 25 00:01:03,121 --> 00:01:07,060 Never... stop... partying. 26 00:01:09,667 --> 00:01:12,872 Kids, in 1983, Barney watched his father 27 00:01:12,874 --> 00:01:14,342 walk out of his life. 28 00:01:14,344 --> 00:01:18,082 And in 2011, when their first reunion ended badly... 29 00:01:18,084 --> 00:01:20,754 I'd love nothing more than to be a part of your life. 30 00:01:20,756 --> 00:01:22,625 This time it was Barney who did the walking. 31 00:01:22,627 --> 00:01:23,927 Bye. 32 00:01:23,929 --> 00:01:26,566 And that was almost the end of it. 33 00:01:26,568 --> 00:01:28,504 Except, a few weeks later... 34 00:01:28,506 --> 00:01:32,043 I am so angry at my dad! 35 00:01:32,045 --> 00:01:33,981 Guess who called me today. 36 00:01:33,983 --> 00:01:36,319 Go on, guess. Mmm. 37 00:01:36,321 --> 00:01:38,657 - Your dad? - My dad! 38 00:01:38,659 --> 00:01:40,861 Barney Stinson. 39 00:01:40,863 --> 00:01:42,165 Hi, Barney. It's your dad. 40 00:01:43,033 --> 00:01:44,101 Look, would you like to go fishing 41 00:01:44,103 --> 00:01:45,704 with me and J.J. on Sunday morning? 42 00:01:45,706 --> 00:01:48,610 Ooh, hold on, let me check my personality. 43 00:01:48,612 --> 00:01:51,216 Oh, no. Turns out I would never do that in a million years. 44 00:01:51,218 --> 00:01:53,153 Barney, look... 45 00:01:53,155 --> 00:01:55,491 I know you're disappointed that your dad is just... 46 00:01:55,493 --> 00:01:58,363 a boring old driving instructor from the suburbs. 47 00:01:58,365 --> 00:02:01,970 But that guy I used to be... "Crazy Jerry"? 48 00:02:01,972 --> 00:02:03,907 He was bad news! 49 00:02:03,909 --> 00:02:06,346 Drinking, partying, sleeping around. 50 00:02:06,348 --> 00:02:08,850 The party can't go on forever. 51 00:02:08,852 --> 00:02:11,856 You're 35; I'm-I'm sure you're starting 52 00:02:11,858 --> 00:02:13,327 to realize that, right? 53 00:02:13,329 --> 00:02:17,067 You do not know how right you are. 54 00:02:17,069 --> 00:02:18,403 Zero right! 55 00:02:18,405 --> 00:02:21,041 - We're not getting too old for anything. You sure? 56 00:02:21,043 --> 00:02:23,547 I feel like we collectively learn the opposite lesson, 57 00:02:23,549 --> 00:02:25,049 like, at least once a year. 58 00:02:26,221 --> 00:02:28,257 I have to face an ugly truth. 59 00:02:28,259 --> 00:02:31,563 Jerry Whittaker, my own father, 60 00:02:31,565 --> 00:02:33,934 is anti-awesome-etic. 61 00:02:34,670 --> 00:02:35,838 I know. 62 00:02:35,840 --> 00:02:37,708 Crazy Jerry's still in there somewhere, 63 00:02:37,710 --> 00:02:41,048 but he's trapped under 20 years of lawnmower parties 64 00:02:41,050 --> 00:02:43,220 - and carpool barbecues. Wow, 65 00:02:43,222 --> 00:02:45,291 you know nothing about the suburbs. 66 00:02:45,293 --> 00:02:48,297 Well, this Saturday night, I am bustin' him out. 67 00:02:48,299 --> 00:02:49,365 I'm gonna 68 00:02:49,367 --> 00:02:51,136 make Jerry realize he was wrong 69 00:02:51,138 --> 00:02:54,041 about giving up his old life by showing him 70 00:02:54,043 --> 00:02:57,281 the awesomest night of all time. 71 00:02:57,283 --> 00:02:58,917 And for the awesomest night 72 00:02:58,919 --> 00:03:03,427 of all time, I'm going to need the awesomest friends 73 00:03:03,429 --> 00:03:04,662 of all time. 74 00:03:06,734 --> 00:03:08,337 Okay, who do I know? 75 00:03:11,911 --> 00:03:13,547 Guys...! 76 00:03:15,151 --> 00:03:17,154 Do any of you know George Clooney? 77 00:03:18,241 --> 00:03:19,625 Okay, my dad's almost here. 78 00:03:19,627 --> 00:03:20,928 I need everything to be 79 00:03:20,930 --> 00:03:23,049 as awesome as possible tonight. 80 00:03:23,051 --> 00:03:24,569 That's why you brought these guys. 81 00:03:24,571 --> 00:03:28,543 No. That's why I brought these guys. 82 00:03:28,545 --> 00:03:29,545 I've made some 83 00:03:29,547 --> 00:03:31,149 minor improvements to your identities. 84 00:03:31,151 --> 00:03:32,284 - Uh. - Mm! 85 00:03:32,286 --> 00:03:33,453 You'll find them on these cards. 86 00:03:33,455 --> 00:03:34,522 - Improvements? Yeah. 87 00:03:34,524 --> 00:03:37,411 Bro, we are already the four 88 00:03:37,413 --> 00:03:41,034 jiggity-jamminest dudes and dudettes this side of... 89 00:03:41,036 --> 00:03:43,190 Okay, let's see the cards. 90 00:03:43,192 --> 00:03:44,642 Robin, no one watches the news 91 00:03:44,644 --> 00:03:46,880 unless it's a car chase or a nip slip. 92 00:03:46,882 --> 00:03:47,748 You are now 93 00:03:47,750 --> 00:03:49,268 a professional scotch taster. 94 00:03:49,270 --> 00:03:50,421 Mm! 95 00:03:50,423 --> 00:03:52,291 Lily, Jerry needs to learn that other lifestyles 96 00:03:52,293 --> 00:03:53,860 are just as fulfilling as monogamy, 97 00:03:53,862 --> 00:03:56,266 so now you and Marshall are in an open marriage. 98 00:03:56,268 --> 00:03:58,537 - Whoo-hoo! - Gross! 99 00:03:58,539 --> 00:04:00,941 Also, Marshall, you can't just be unemployed, 100 00:04:00,943 --> 00:04:02,110 so you are now 101 00:04:02,112 --> 00:04:04,749 a gin-swilling, womanizing playwright. 102 00:04:05,585 --> 00:04:07,988 And, Ted, just be yourself. 103 00:04:09,025 --> 00:04:10,627 Just kidding. 104 00:04:10,629 --> 00:04:13,767 Here's a giant pile of topics you should avoid talking about. 105 00:04:13,769 --> 00:04:16,004 Well. Well, this could actually be fun. 106 00:04:16,006 --> 00:04:19,110 In fact, I believe it was Oscar Wilde who said, 107 00:04:19,112 --> 00:04:21,749 "Man is least himself when he talks..." 108 00:04:21,751 --> 00:04:22,918 - Ted, card. - Ah. 109 00:04:22,920 --> 00:04:25,557 You're right... "No quoting Oscar Wilde." 110 00:04:25,559 --> 00:04:27,060 Finally... 111 00:04:27,062 --> 00:04:28,730 Robin, you're dating Ted. 112 00:04:28,732 --> 00:04:30,133 Aw, man! 113 00:04:30,135 --> 00:04:31,536 Why? 114 00:04:31,538 --> 00:04:32,771 I can't have 115 00:04:32,773 --> 00:04:34,575 any single female friends lying around. 116 00:04:34,577 --> 00:04:37,080 My dad'll be all, "Why don't you marry Robin? 117 00:04:37,082 --> 00:04:38,583 "You guys are cute together. Deep down, you know 118 00:04:38,585 --> 00:04:41,356 you were never happier than when you were with her." 119 00:04:41,358 --> 00:04:42,458 Uh... 120 00:04:42,460 --> 00:04:43,827 no, thanks. 121 00:04:43,829 --> 00:04:45,631 Hey, Barney... love the new identities. 122 00:04:45,633 --> 00:04:48,870 Little thing... instead of being a naked super ninja, 123 00:04:48,872 --> 00:04:52,444 can I be Meryl Streep in The Devil Wears Prada? 124 00:04:52,446 --> 00:04:54,715 - How good was that movie? - Oh, my God. 125 00:04:56,688 --> 00:04:57,788 And... 126 00:04:57,790 --> 00:05:00,561 hence new identities. 127 00:05:01,830 --> 00:05:04,869 And so Barney's dad finally showed up. 128 00:05:04,871 --> 00:05:07,174 Jerry, you remember Marshall... he's a well-known writer. 129 00:05:07,176 --> 00:05:08,543 Playwright. We're all writers, 130 00:05:08,545 --> 00:05:11,633 just some of us don't know what our story is yet. 131 00:05:12,352 --> 00:05:14,421 Lily, his wife. 132 00:05:14,423 --> 00:05:16,593 Well, most nights. Mama don't let no ring 133 00:05:16,595 --> 00:05:18,663 get in the way of a good time. 134 00:05:18,665 --> 00:05:20,567 That's... a little depressing. 135 00:05:20,569 --> 00:05:21,703 Uh, hi again. 136 00:05:21,705 --> 00:05:22,805 Ted. Oh, and, Jerry, 137 00:05:22,807 --> 00:05:24,959 - you remember my girlfriend. - Robin. Hi. 138 00:05:24,961 --> 00:05:27,113 So nice to see you again. 139 00:05:27,115 --> 00:05:28,917 Wait, wait. Jerry, 140 00:05:28,919 --> 00:05:30,320 I got to tell you the truth. 141 00:05:30,322 --> 00:05:31,522 Guys, I'm gonna tell him. 142 00:05:32,325 --> 00:05:33,960 We're also a band. 143 00:05:33,962 --> 00:05:35,597 Two, three, four! 144 00:05:49,292 --> 00:05:51,044 Ow! Yeah! 145 00:05:51,046 --> 00:05:54,501 So, Saturday night... time to cut loose, right? 146 00:05:54,503 --> 00:05:56,305 Who wants to split a beer? 147 00:05:56,307 --> 00:05:58,008 Oh, we're not drinking here. 148 00:05:58,010 --> 00:05:59,645 Tonight we're going big. 149 00:05:59,647 --> 00:06:02,284 Let's see, what club should we hit first? 150 00:06:02,286 --> 00:06:04,922 There's Club Was, there's Wrong... 151 00:06:04,924 --> 00:06:07,261 Um, those places shut down a long time ago. 152 00:06:07,263 --> 00:06:07,928 Oh, no. 153 00:06:07,930 --> 00:06:08,963 Oh, No shut down, too. 154 00:06:08,965 --> 00:06:10,567 - There's Where? - Where's Where? 155 00:06:10,569 --> 00:06:12,036 Where's where Was was, isn't it? 156 00:06:12,038 --> 00:06:14,809 No, Was wasn't where Where was, Was was where Wrong was, right? 157 00:06:14,811 --> 00:06:16,913 Okay. Not Okay. That place is lame. 158 00:06:16,915 --> 00:06:19,418 Okay is Lame? I thought Lame was a gay bar. 159 00:06:19,420 --> 00:06:20,454 Or is that Wrong? 160 00:06:20,456 --> 00:06:22,324 That's wrong. That's not Wrong. 161 00:06:22,326 --> 00:06:23,259 Guys, focus. 162 00:06:23,261 --> 00:06:24,728 Oh, I like Focus. Let's go there. 163 00:06:24,730 --> 00:06:26,432 Where? Not Where. Focus. 164 00:06:26,434 --> 00:06:27,935 I thought Focus was closed. 165 00:06:27,937 --> 00:06:29,104 No, Was was Closed. 166 00:06:29,106 --> 00:06:31,542 Once Was shut down, it reopened as Closed. 167 00:06:31,544 --> 00:06:32,578 So Closed is open. 168 00:06:32,580 --> 00:06:33,480 No, Closed is closed. 169 00:06:33,482 --> 00:06:34,482 I don't know. 170 00:06:34,484 --> 00:06:36,252 Third base! Right? 171 00:06:36,254 --> 00:06:38,088 Ew, Third Base is all frat guys. 172 00:06:38,090 --> 00:06:39,258 I'll go anyplace, okay? 173 00:06:39,260 --> 00:06:41,295 Not Okay. Okay is lame. 174 00:06:41,297 --> 00:06:42,448 Okay is not Lame. 175 00:06:42,450 --> 00:06:43,933 Lame is a gay bar. 176 00:06:43,935 --> 00:06:44,835 Guys, shut up. 177 00:06:44,837 --> 00:06:46,172 No, Shut up shut down. 178 00:06:46,174 --> 00:06:49,043 I can't believe I don't know the clubs anymore. 179 00:06:49,045 --> 00:06:51,149 Guys, just pick a club, okay? 180 00:06:51,151 --> 00:06:52,751 Not Okay! 181 00:06:52,753 --> 00:06:54,020 Okay is Lame! 182 00:06:54,022 --> 00:06:56,225 Gay bar. 183 00:06:56,227 --> 00:06:59,465 For the record, I was in there once by accident. 184 00:06:59,467 --> 00:07:02,371 I'm pretty sure it's pronounced Lamé. 185 00:07:02,373 --> 00:07:05,277 It's hopeless, isn't it? 186 00:07:05,279 --> 00:07:07,647 Wow. 187 00:07:07,649 --> 00:07:09,585 A lot of these girls are young enough 188 00:07:09,587 --> 00:07:11,155 - to be our daughters. - I know. 189 00:07:11,157 --> 00:07:12,824 Daddy's home. 190 00:07:12,826 --> 00:07:14,995 And Granddaddy's home! 191 00:07:15,798 --> 00:07:17,568 Tonight rocks so hard! 192 00:07:17,570 --> 00:07:20,140 I might be allergic to this stamp. 193 00:07:24,449 --> 00:07:26,619 Oh, my God, my secret crush is here. 194 00:07:26,621 --> 00:07:27,588 Mila Kunis? 195 00:07:27,590 --> 00:07:30,360 No, my secret crush. 196 00:07:30,362 --> 00:07:33,166 We met a few years ago. 197 00:07:35,238 --> 00:07:38,075 Hi. I could use a woman's opinion. 198 00:07:38,077 --> 00:07:40,780 Is this working for me? 199 00:07:40,782 --> 00:07:42,417 Uh... no. 200 00:07:43,355 --> 00:07:44,405 The only good thing 201 00:07:44,407 --> 00:07:45,890 about how ugly that shirt is, 202 00:07:45,892 --> 00:07:49,632 is that it distracts from how terribly it fits you. 203 00:07:49,634 --> 00:07:51,702 I was trying on the pants. 204 00:07:51,704 --> 00:07:53,706 Oh. 205 00:07:54,442 --> 00:07:55,961 I had to leave before we could 206 00:07:55,963 --> 00:07:57,314 finish talking, so that was it. 207 00:07:57,316 --> 00:07:58,516 You know, ever since then, I've always... 208 00:07:58,518 --> 00:08:00,787 Oh, my God, he's coming over here. 209 00:08:00,789 --> 00:08:02,056 Oh. Hello. 210 00:08:02,058 --> 00:08:04,495 - Hi. A few years ago at a department store... - Hi. 211 00:08:04,497 --> 00:08:06,399 did you embarrass the hell out of me? 212 00:08:06,401 --> 00:08:09,070 Oh, I'm sorry, you must have me confused 213 00:08:09,072 --> 00:08:12,244 with the shirt you were wearing that day. 214 00:08:12,246 --> 00:08:13,946 I should be so lucky. 215 00:08:13,948 --> 00:08:15,717 Hi! I'm Ted! 216 00:08:15,719 --> 00:08:17,337 Robin's boyfriend! 217 00:08:17,339 --> 00:08:18,656 Nice to meet you. 218 00:08:18,658 --> 00:08:20,125 Right. 219 00:08:20,127 --> 00:08:22,564 Um... it was really nice to see you again. 220 00:08:22,566 --> 00:08:24,435 - Mm-hmm. You, too. - Yeah. 221 00:08:25,439 --> 00:08:27,691 You owe me one. 222 00:08:28,944 --> 00:08:30,380 Man, isn't this place great? 223 00:08:30,382 --> 00:08:32,985 Uh, I don't know. It's so loud! 224 00:08:32,987 --> 00:08:34,321 And so bourgeois. 225 00:08:34,323 --> 00:08:37,461 Many of plays are about the bourgeois. 226 00:08:38,163 --> 00:08:39,231 And ennui. 227 00:08:40,033 --> 00:08:43,339 And one rock opera about... 228 00:08:43,341 --> 00:08:45,744 a frozen yogurt shop. 229 00:08:47,682 --> 00:08:50,520 Uh, L-Lily, uh, talk about your open marriage. 230 00:08:50,522 --> 00:08:54,328 Okay. Well, after a long day of style meetings 231 00:08:54,330 --> 00:08:56,031 and photo shoots 232 00:08:56,033 --> 00:08:57,300 and being way too mean 233 00:08:57,302 --> 00:08:58,419 to my assistant, 234 00:08:58,421 --> 00:09:01,409 I sometimes bang an underwear model. 235 00:09:01,411 --> 00:09:02,277 My goodness! 236 00:09:02,279 --> 00:09:03,413 I sleep around, too. 237 00:09:03,415 --> 00:09:04,681 Just as much. 238 00:09:04,683 --> 00:09:05,950 A little more, even. 239 00:09:05,952 --> 00:09:08,722 Oh, uh, only 'cause you have nothing to do all day. 240 00:09:08,724 --> 00:09:10,293 Are we having this fight again? 241 00:09:10,295 --> 00:09:12,063 Writing plays is a real job! 242 00:09:12,065 --> 00:09:15,703 I work 90 hours a week subsidizing your "real job." 243 00:09:15,705 --> 00:09:16,839 I won a Tony! 244 00:09:16,841 --> 00:09:19,211 I brought French cooking to America! 245 00:09:19,213 --> 00:09:20,980 What? 246 00:09:20,982 --> 00:09:23,820 - Let's do shots. - Uh, no, thank you, Barney. 247 00:09:23,822 --> 00:09:26,625 I have that fishing trip with J.J. early tomorrow. 248 00:09:26,627 --> 00:09:29,063 - I... I better take it easy. - No. 249 00:09:29,065 --> 00:09:31,535 Don't you remember what you said to me when I was a kid? 250 00:09:31,537 --> 00:09:33,873 "Never stop partying." 251 00:09:33,875 --> 00:09:35,376 I said that? 252 00:09:35,378 --> 00:09:37,180 To a six-year-old? 253 00:09:37,815 --> 00:09:38,883 I don't remember that. 254 00:09:38,885 --> 00:09:40,453 You don't remember the last thing 255 00:09:40,455 --> 00:09:42,858 you said to me when I was a kid? 256 00:09:43,794 --> 00:09:44,895 Well... 257 00:09:44,897 --> 00:09:46,899 you know, why don't you just go back home? 258 00:09:46,901 --> 00:09:48,519 But I want to hang out with you. 259 00:09:48,521 --> 00:09:50,840 Yeah, well, I want to hang out with Crazy Jerry, 260 00:09:50,842 --> 00:09:53,179 not Stay-at-Home Jerome. 261 00:09:53,181 --> 00:09:55,350 Fine. 262 00:09:55,352 --> 00:09:57,187 You want Crazy Jerry? 263 00:10:07,308 --> 00:10:11,415 There! You got him! 264 00:10:14,689 --> 00:10:17,961 I apologize... it might take a few minutes to kick in. 265 00:10:17,963 --> 00:10:19,198 Oh... Oh... 266 00:10:22,640 --> 00:10:26,311 Hey, sugar! Five beers for the table, 267 00:10:26,404 --> 00:10:27,905 a Seven-and-Seven for me, 268 00:10:27,907 --> 00:10:30,544 and your ten digits for this guy here! 269 00:10:30,546 --> 00:10:34,769 Tonight Crazy Jerry's gonna burn this disco down! 270 00:10:34,771 --> 00:10:37,157 Whoo! Wa-hah! 271 00:10:37,159 --> 00:10:38,526 Can you believe it? 272 00:10:38,528 --> 00:10:40,130 - This is awesome! - Barney, 273 00:10:40,132 --> 00:10:42,634 how is that awesome? 274 00:10:45,976 --> 00:10:49,949 I finally know what it's like to be embarrassed by my dad. 275 00:10:50,718 --> 00:10:51,819 So you really believe 276 00:10:51,821 --> 00:10:54,225 that if we were in an open marriage 277 00:10:54,227 --> 00:10:56,529 - that you would do better than me? - Hey, 278 00:10:56,531 --> 00:10:59,117 you do better than me at a lot of other things, 279 00:10:59,119 --> 00:11:00,937 like digesting dairy... 280 00:11:00,939 --> 00:11:03,409 and reaching for stuff. 281 00:11:03,411 --> 00:11:04,645 Okay, you know what? 282 00:11:04,647 --> 00:11:05,814 Game on. 283 00:11:05,816 --> 00:11:08,686 If I can score five numbers before you can, 284 00:11:08,688 --> 00:11:10,957 then we have sex in the bathroom. 285 00:11:10,959 --> 00:11:12,060 But... 286 00:11:12,062 --> 00:11:14,532 if you can score five numbers before me, 287 00:11:14,534 --> 00:11:17,103 then we have sex in the bathroom. 288 00:11:17,105 --> 00:11:18,339 So our usual wager. 289 00:11:18,841 --> 00:11:20,410 Deal. 290 00:11:22,665 --> 00:11:24,050 Hey, uh, hey, Jerry, 291 00:11:24,052 --> 00:11:26,422 y... you really want to be out here like this? 292 00:11:26,424 --> 00:11:28,476 Oh, sorry, small-town preacher from the Midwest, 293 00:11:28,478 --> 00:11:31,632 is there a law against dancing? 294 00:11:31,634 --> 00:11:33,486 No, of course not. I... I just... 295 00:11:33,488 --> 00:11:34,688 Oh, this club blows. 296 00:11:34,690 --> 00:11:36,976 Let's hit the greatest party in the world, 297 00:11:36,978 --> 00:11:38,746 the streets of New York! 298 00:11:38,748 --> 00:11:40,817 - Yeah! Let's do it! - Yeah! 299 00:11:40,819 --> 00:11:43,656 Uh, maybe fix the tie. 300 00:11:43,658 --> 00:11:45,827 But mostly, party! 301 00:11:47,382 --> 00:11:49,050 Okay, Jerry's gone; Let's break up. 302 00:11:49,052 --> 00:11:52,006 Okay. "I would have stolen you a whole orchestra." 303 00:11:52,008 --> 00:11:53,476 There. What's the rush? 304 00:11:53,478 --> 00:11:56,014 Well, that guy who came over here who thinks we're dating, 305 00:11:56,016 --> 00:11:57,451 I kind of have a crush on him. 306 00:11:57,453 --> 00:11:58,686 Can you help me clear it up? 307 00:11:58,688 --> 00:12:00,190 Really? That guy? 308 00:12:00,192 --> 00:12:01,659 He was, like, a four. 309 00:12:01,661 --> 00:12:05,800 A four? God, you are, like, the worst judge of guys ever. 310 00:12:05,802 --> 00:12:08,401 Okay, if he is a four, what are you? 311 00:12:08,402 --> 00:12:09,178 Hey! 312 00:12:09,277 --> 00:12:11,479 I'm not perfect; I'm an eight... 313 00:12:11,481 --> 00:12:13,349 and a half. 314 00:12:13,351 --> 00:12:15,353 You're a doofus and a half. 315 00:12:15,355 --> 00:12:17,023 Fine. Let's go talk to him. 316 00:12:17,025 --> 00:12:18,860 Where'd you meet this booger-eater anyway? 317 00:12:18,862 --> 00:12:21,332 At a close-out sale at Dawes. 318 00:12:21,334 --> 00:12:23,369 Really? I remember that sale. 319 00:12:24,172 --> 00:12:25,240 Hey, Robin. 320 00:12:25,242 --> 00:12:26,976 Oh, Ted. Oh, no. 321 00:12:26,978 --> 00:12:28,646 Look what I just bought. 322 00:12:28,648 --> 00:12:31,686 Right? Right? 323 00:12:31,688 --> 00:12:34,291 Hold on. We were dating then. 324 00:12:34,293 --> 00:12:35,660 I specifically remember, 325 00:12:35,662 --> 00:12:38,031 because we had great sex that night. 326 00:12:38,033 --> 00:12:40,403 Great sex. 327 00:12:41,273 --> 00:12:42,491 Let me guess. 328 00:12:42,493 --> 00:12:43,843 Someone wants to knock... 329 00:12:43,845 --> 00:12:46,315 boots. 330 00:12:47,885 --> 00:12:48,920 Boots. 331 00:12:48,922 --> 00:12:50,991 - Just take off your damn shirt. - Okay. 332 00:12:50,993 --> 00:12:52,344 All right. 333 00:12:52,346 --> 00:12:54,063 All right. Whoa, 334 00:12:54,065 --> 00:12:55,317 - stop. - What? 335 00:12:55,319 --> 00:12:56,569 Stop. Perfect. 336 00:12:56,571 --> 00:12:59,107 But I... I can't see, and you can't see me. 337 00:12:59,109 --> 00:13:02,614 Yeah. Yeah, just like that. 338 00:13:02,616 --> 00:13:05,453 - You were picturing your crush! - Well, 339 00:13:05,455 --> 00:13:07,524 somebody had to. 340 00:13:09,396 --> 00:13:12,267 Okay, okay, answer me this. 341 00:13:12,269 --> 00:13:16,007 Are you absolutely sure it had nothing whatsoever... 342 00:13:16,009 --> 00:13:18,346 to do with the boots? 343 00:13:18,348 --> 00:13:19,915 Yes. 344 00:13:21,085 --> 00:13:22,119 You hear that, everybody? 345 00:13:22,121 --> 00:13:24,725 She said "yes"! We're getting married! 346 00:13:25,796 --> 00:13:26,962 I love this girl. 347 00:13:26,964 --> 00:13:28,633 I'm never letting her go. 348 00:13:34,547 --> 00:13:37,434 Hey... Bottoms up, amigo! 349 00:13:37,436 --> 00:13:39,070 After that, 350 00:13:39,072 --> 00:13:41,692 Barney's memory of the night got a little hazy. 351 00:13:41,694 --> 00:13:43,529 You want to fight me? 352 00:13:44,299 --> 00:13:48,506 Well, I'll fight you, dummy! 353 00:13:48,508 --> 00:13:50,710 You don't even know! 354 00:13:50,712 --> 00:13:52,547 Hey, hey! There we go! 355 00:13:58,327 --> 00:14:00,730 Oh, look what I just ripped out of the ground! 356 00:14:00,732 --> 00:14:02,367 Oh...! 357 00:14:03,738 --> 00:14:06,342 I just puked on the hood of that... 358 00:14:11,118 --> 00:14:12,988 Too bad your playwright friend 359 00:14:12,990 --> 00:14:15,193 isn't a lawyer. 360 00:14:18,494 --> 00:14:20,332 Barney, I'm so sorry. 361 00:14:21,274 --> 00:14:22,642 I'm afraid this is what it's like 362 00:14:22,662 --> 00:14:24,864 hanging out with Crazy Jerry. 363 00:14:25,933 --> 00:14:28,470 It's okay, Dad. 364 00:14:28,472 --> 00:14:32,612 I never thought tonight would be so awesome! 365 00:14:32,614 --> 00:14:33,880 So... 366 00:14:33,882 --> 00:14:35,651 next stop, strip club. 367 00:14:35,653 --> 00:14:37,521 The Lusty Leopard has a special... 368 00:14:37,523 --> 00:14:39,959 Oh, for corn's sake, Barney, I'm not drunk! 369 00:14:39,961 --> 00:14:41,363 - What? - I told you, 370 00:14:41,365 --> 00:14:42,698 I don't party anymore, 371 00:14:42,700 --> 00:14:45,069 and you wouldn't take no for an answer. 372 00:14:45,071 --> 00:14:46,139 So... 373 00:14:46,141 --> 00:14:49,979 I used a little... sleight-of-hand... 374 00:14:51,350 --> 00:14:54,622 to make you think otherwise. 375 00:14:54,624 --> 00:14:55,975 Here you go. 376 00:14:55,977 --> 00:14:57,795 Whoa! 377 00:14:57,797 --> 00:14:59,999 Bottoms up, amigo! 378 00:15:01,488 --> 00:15:02,905 Mm. 379 00:15:02,907 --> 00:15:05,477 But all those crazy things you did. 380 00:15:05,479 --> 00:15:09,117 Do you happen to remember what a magician's best friend is? 381 00:15:09,987 --> 00:15:12,791 A drunk audience. 382 00:15:12,793 --> 00:15:15,364 You want to fight me? 383 00:15:15,366 --> 00:15:18,804 Well, I'll fight you, dummy! 384 00:15:18,806 --> 00:15:20,641 No, no, no. 385 00:15:20,643 --> 00:15:23,647 You don't even know! 386 00:15:23,649 --> 00:15:24,649 Right here! 387 00:15:24,651 --> 00:15:26,186 Look. 388 00:15:27,255 --> 00:15:29,358 Look what I just ripped out of the ground! 389 00:15:29,360 --> 00:15:30,360 Oh...! 390 00:15:34,521 --> 00:15:36,004 What just happened? 391 00:15:36,006 --> 00:15:38,610 I... I just puked on the hood of that... 392 00:15:40,349 --> 00:15:41,649 police car. 393 00:15:44,022 --> 00:15:45,924 Well, why do all those things? 394 00:15:45,926 --> 00:15:48,130 I figured if I showed you what... 395 00:15:48,132 --> 00:15:50,634 "never stop partying" really looked like, 396 00:15:50,636 --> 00:15:53,840 you'd realize you can't do it forever. 397 00:15:54,777 --> 00:15:57,214 Oh, well. 398 00:15:58,951 --> 00:16:03,827 You lied to me all night for your own selfish reasons? 399 00:16:04,797 --> 00:16:06,833 Daddy...! 400 00:16:07,903 --> 00:16:11,142 I wanted to hang out with you... you're my son. 401 00:16:11,144 --> 00:16:13,647 And since you didn't want to come with me and J.J. 402 00:16:13,649 --> 00:16:15,049 On that fishing tri... 403 00:16:15,051 --> 00:16:17,822 Fishing trip. 404 00:16:17,824 --> 00:16:21,094 I'll never make it back in time now. 405 00:16:23,935 --> 00:16:26,573 Hey, you know, a... a pretty good magician like you 406 00:16:26,575 --> 00:16:28,075 probably knows how to, say, 407 00:16:28,077 --> 00:16:30,914 get out of a standard set of handcuffs. 408 00:16:30,916 --> 00:16:33,018 Perhaps. 409 00:16:34,223 --> 00:16:36,893 Well, here's something you didn't know... 410 00:16:36,895 --> 00:16:39,866 I'm a pretty good magician, too. 411 00:16:43,525 --> 00:16:45,444 Abracadabra! 412 00:16:46,715 --> 00:16:48,533 Congratulations! 413 00:16:48,535 --> 00:16:50,420 Oh, hey! Thank you so much. 414 00:16:50,422 --> 00:16:52,758 We're super excited. We're thinking June. 415 00:16:52,760 --> 00:16:54,195 Yeah, okay. 416 00:16:54,197 --> 00:16:55,731 Okay, jerk... 417 00:16:55,733 --> 00:16:59,238 do you remember how you ended up buying those red cowboy boots? 418 00:16:59,240 --> 00:17:00,474 Wow. 419 00:17:00,476 --> 00:17:03,446 Wardrobe malfunction at the O.K. Corral! 420 00:17:03,448 --> 00:17:05,867 I mean, who in their right mind would ever... 421 00:17:05,869 --> 00:17:08,690 You would look so totally hot in those. 422 00:17:08,692 --> 00:17:11,027 Do you have these in a size 11? 423 00:17:11,931 --> 00:17:13,934 So get off the field at the Superdome, 424 00:17:13,936 --> 00:17:15,570 because you ain't no saint. 425 00:17:16,507 --> 00:17:18,310 Hello. 426 00:17:18,312 --> 00:17:19,729 - I, uh... - Oh. 427 00:17:19,731 --> 00:17:21,950 Hi, Robin. 428 00:17:23,154 --> 00:17:26,693 Could I have your phone number? 429 00:17:26,695 --> 00:17:29,165 - We need someplace to hide. - Where? 430 00:17:29,167 --> 00:17:31,502 No, Jerry, this is not the time to go to another club! 431 00:17:31,504 --> 00:17:35,310 We've got to get you back home in time for that trip. 432 00:17:35,312 --> 00:17:37,815 But there's no more trains, there's no cabs. 433 00:17:37,817 --> 00:17:38,984 Well, uh... 434 00:17:38,986 --> 00:17:42,608 I do have a few driving students in the city. 435 00:17:42,610 --> 00:17:44,562 - Step on it! Jerry... - Do not step on it. 436 00:17:44,564 --> 00:17:46,165 Jerry, we have got to get you home 437 00:17:46,167 --> 00:17:47,401 in time for that fishing trip. 438 00:17:47,403 --> 00:17:48,703 The laws are there to protect... 439 00:17:48,705 --> 00:17:50,324 - This is no time for laws! - Buckle up, Barney. 440 00:17:50,326 --> 00:17:53,830 - I am not going to buckle up! - I am your father! You will listen to me! 441 00:17:56,920 --> 00:17:59,425 Hey! How's the open marriage going? 442 00:17:59,427 --> 00:18:01,128 Who was the first one to get the five numbers? 443 00:18:01,131 --> 00:18:02,231 I won that race. 444 00:18:02,233 --> 00:18:04,869 My prize... sex in the bathroom. 445 00:18:04,871 --> 00:18:07,608 And I won that race. 446 00:18:10,782 --> 00:18:13,118 Aw, sorry that secret crush didn't work out for you. 447 00:18:13,120 --> 00:18:17,294 Oh, it's okay. I guess it just wasn't meant to be. 448 00:18:17,296 --> 00:18:18,830 Why are you smiling? 449 00:18:18,832 --> 00:18:20,233 I don't know. 450 00:18:20,235 --> 00:18:22,671 Good night. 451 00:18:22,673 --> 00:18:24,475 Saw that girl again. 452 00:18:24,477 --> 00:18:26,612 And guess what? She's engaged. 453 00:18:26,614 --> 00:18:28,149 So that's the end of that. 454 00:18:28,151 --> 00:18:30,570 It wasn't the end of that. More on that later. 455 00:18:30,572 --> 00:18:34,495 And her fiancé? The guy's like a two. 456 00:18:37,235 --> 00:18:39,538 How did you do it? 457 00:18:39,540 --> 00:18:41,040 Do what? 458 00:18:41,042 --> 00:18:43,379 How did you become this? 459 00:18:43,381 --> 00:18:46,319 I mean, I love my life, but... 460 00:18:46,321 --> 00:18:49,658 I'm not sure I like loving it. 461 00:18:49,660 --> 00:18:52,364 - Sure, strip clubs... - You're drifting. 462 00:18:52,366 --> 00:18:54,135 Hey, I'm trying to open up to you... 463 00:18:54,137 --> 00:18:56,839 No, Mrs. Perkins, you're drifting! 464 00:18:57,709 --> 00:19:00,247 Go on, Barney. 465 00:19:00,249 --> 00:19:04,188 When I think about going for anything more than that, 466 00:19:04,190 --> 00:19:09,298 I look at my life, and who I am, and... 467 00:19:09,300 --> 00:19:13,139 I'm too far gone. 468 00:19:13,141 --> 00:19:15,277 I'm broken. 469 00:19:17,248 --> 00:19:21,639 Son, I was far more broken than you'll ever be. 470 00:19:21,641 --> 00:19:24,126 And look at me now. 471 00:19:24,128 --> 00:19:29,271 Don't get me wrong... settling down is... a challenge. 472 00:19:29,273 --> 00:19:31,542 It's the biggest challenge of your life. 473 00:19:31,544 --> 00:19:33,346 So how do you do it? 474 00:19:33,348 --> 00:19:37,387 A magician never reveals his greatest trick. 475 00:19:38,324 --> 00:19:40,193 But I'll give you a hint. 476 00:19:40,195 --> 00:19:42,831 You gotta meet the right girl. 477 00:19:44,202 --> 00:19:46,722 Who knows? 478 00:19:46,724 --> 00:19:49,511 Maybe you'll meet her tomorrow. 479 00:19:49,513 --> 00:19:52,985 Maybe I've met her already. 480 00:19:54,088 --> 00:19:56,909 And park. And emergency brake. 481 00:19:59,098 --> 00:20:00,834 I did have a good time tonight. 482 00:20:00,836 --> 00:20:02,237 And hey, if you want to 483 00:20:02,239 --> 00:20:04,208 go fishing, we got room in the boat. 484 00:20:04,210 --> 00:20:06,712 Maybe some other time. 485 00:20:06,714 --> 00:20:08,081 Okay. 486 00:20:09,185 --> 00:20:10,520 Oh, and, uh... 487 00:20:10,522 --> 00:20:14,728 thanks for taking such good care of this. 488 00:20:14,730 --> 00:20:18,202 It means a lot to me that you kept it safe all these years. 489 00:20:34,636 --> 00:20:37,106 I'm going fishing with my dad. 490 00:20:53,856 --> 00:20:57,229 This... 491 00:20:57,231 --> 00:20:59,065 sucks. 492 00:20:59,600 --> 00:21:05,206 Sync and corrected by Mlmlte www.addic7ed.com