Kids,
when your Uncle Marshall...
finally quit
Goliath National Bank to do
something better with his life,
he left on great terms
with his boss.
Good luck, Marshall.
And promise you'll list me
as a reference.
Which made Marshall's
big interview...
with a respected
environmental organization
all the more confusing.
I'm sorry.
I don't think you're the kind
of person we're looking for.
I just got off the phone
with Arthur Hobbs over at GNB.
Oh, yeah. I worked
with Marshall Eriksen.
At least I did
when he actually showed up.
Marshall!
Hey, it's... it's 2:30.
If it's no big deal, we'd sure
love it if you tried to get here
at least before lunch.
Yeah? And I'd sure love
to give a rat's ass.
Oh! Mr. Eriksen,
you're not wearing any pants.
Your move.
But, Marshall,
what... what about
the environment?
Screw the environment!
- "Screw the environment"?
- Oh, yeah.
We fired him when we
caught him clubbing a seal
in his office...
with an even cuter seal.
Guy's a maniac.
He's just an awful,
flatulent racist.
- Sir, none of that is...
- Sorry. Interview over.
And so Marshall stormed over
to GNB, where he ran into Zoey.
If you wanna
get back at those jerks,
I have a proposition for you.
Invitations
for the demolition
of the Arcadian.
As head of the project,
I get to decide how
we knock it down.
I'm torn between training
an actual coyote...
to use an Acme
dynamite plunger...
or hooking up a fuse to
Eddie Van Halen's guitar...
that goes off the second
he hits the last note
to "Hot For Teacher."
[ Imitates Guitar Note,
Fuse Sizzling, Explosion ]
Barney! Barney! Bar...
No. No.
I'm gonna go coyote.
While no one wants
to see a, uh, coyote...
wearing a little hard hat
more than me,
remember, Zoey's protest
could still shut
your whole project down.
Oh, come on!
Zoey's not shutting
anything down,
standing out there
with her stupid megaphone,
screaming in the wind,
butt cheeks
trembling with fury,
her perky breasts heaving,
her self-righteous
nipples...
Dude,
that's my girlfriend.
Point is, we are takin' her
and the Arcadian down.
- Am I right, Teddy Westside?
- You know it!
Ha-ha!
Okay, see,
that's so weird to me.
That one second
you're defending Zoey,
and the next you're talking
about her going down.
Glad to know
she's also mouthy
in a good way.
What up?
Dude,
that's his girlfriend.
Isn't it tough
dating the woman...
that's trying to
prevent your building
from being built?
At first, yes, but we
figured out a great way
to deal with it.
We never talk about it.
And since then,
we've really been enjoying
each other's company.
So, every time
the Arcadian comes up,
you guys just awkwardly
change the subject?
Yeah. But you'd be surprised.
Doesn't even come up that often.
Hey, guys.
Hey!
Meet the new lawyer I hired
to help save the Arcadian.
So, Oprah's retiring.
Oof!
What's that world
gonna be like?
Wait. Marshall's
helping you save
the Arcadian now?
Yeah. Having a former
GNB employee on our side
is huge for us.
GNB is goin' down.
Totally.
So they found water
on Mars. What?
Listen, I hate to go up against
my two best friends,
but I really... I really
need this right now.
I mean, we're cool, right?
Not only do you quit the job
I stuck my neck out to get you,
now you sabotage the project
I'm in charge of?
Is this because
I brushed Lily's boob
with my elbow the other day?
- That was on purpose!
- What now?
- This is really
crossing the line.
- Barney, please...
And thus began
an all-out war...
- between Barney
and Marshall.
- Get used to it!
Delivery from Mr. Stinson.
Barney sent us
pictures of himself.
Oh, God. What's he doing
to that megaphone?
Ugh.
Oh!
Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha!
Later, back at the bar,
another war was just beginning.
Babe, can I
get you a drink?
No. I'm still not ready to put
my mouth on anything yet.
I know.
You know what?
Screw this. Game on.
Can you believe this one?
Wants our booth.
Keeps giving us the walk-by.
That bitch is not
giving us the walk-by.
The walk-by
with the stink-eye.
The stink-eye walk-by?
Aw, hell, no!
I hope this drink isn't
teething, 'cause it's about
to get nursed.
Barney, your wife just called
from the hospital.
It's a boy!
Look...
This went on for days.
Congratulations.
You're about to be the 250th
girl that Barney has slept with.
Try 283.
250 was months ago.
No, no, no.
I mean, you're
totally 250, baby.
No, no!
Oh, bye-bye.
Mr. Stinson,
I had to rush down as soon
as I got your results.
I'm sorry,
but your crabs...
have super herpes.
Oh, boy. Look who's back.
Look, Lily.
I think this girl
wants our seat.
Should we leave
or stay here
Lionel Richie style...
"All Night Long"?
Excuse me, waitress.
I'll have a mojito.
And you'll have a no-seat, ho!
Oh!
Ah, yes. The sweet,
smoky taste of victory.
Are you sure it doesn't
taste like anything else?
- That's it!
Kent, Kent!
Oh, God!
Why would you do that
to your own jacket?
That's what you get,
you traitor!
- Oh, really?
- Yeah, really.
Really?
Yeah. Re...
Okay! Enough!
You guys are outta here.
- Come on!
- Ejected.
I meant all of you!
You're all banned
from the bar! Out!
- Carl!
Carl.
This has nothing
to do with us.
It's totally ridiculous.
Don't look, baby.
Just don't look.
Come on.
This stupid feud
isn't gonna end...
until Marshall and Barney
finally talk about
their feelings, cry...
and then hug it out
like they do on Oprah.
Man, what are we
gonna do without her?
Oh!
Oprah.
Wait. You know what?
These guys are not gonna
get all mushy sober.
We need to get
these bitches drunk.
Yes, but the right
kind of drunk.
Uh, we should go
with something mellow.
Maybe red wine?
Oh, I don't know.
Red wine has kind of
an odd effect on Barney.
He reaches a point
of sad clarity.
Ten, nine, eight...
I'm a B-plus.
seven, six...
My whole life
I was hoping to be an "A,"
and I'm a B-plus.
three, two, one!
And I'm okay with that.
Happy New Year!
If we want them to open up,
I say we go straight-up gin.
Ooh. Last time Marshall
got gin drunk...
was at that douchey bar
Barney likes to go to.
Mmm.
Marshall almost got
in a fight that night.
Look at this meatball.
He's headed right towards me,
showin' me no respect.
Well, if he wants to
play chicken, this rooster
ain't backin' down!
Oh. Mirror.
How about martinis?
Absolutely not.
I'm not going
anywhere near you
and a martini.
Why not?
Mmm. Know what
would be stupid?
Ooh.
If we made out.
That would be so stupid.
Hey, I dare you guys
to dare us to make out.
Every time.
I only say that
because it would be
so stupid if we did.
So stupid.
Uh-huh.
Oh, yeah?
Well, what about you
and absinthe?
I don't know.
We could have water,
soda, purple stuff.
We're a dream
a baby's having.
A dream that babies have.
I keep telling you,
that didn't...
It happened, and it changed me.
How about daiquiris?
Maybe.
When Marshall has daiquiris,
he gets really into
how beautiful he is.
Hey.
I dare you guys
to dare us to make out.
Hey, Marsh, you know
that's another mirror, right?
Peppermint schnapps?
No!
Peppermint schnapps turns
Barney into Richard Dawson.
Who?
The crazy old host of
Family Feud who greeted women
by kissing them on the mouth.
Hey there, darlin'.
How you doin'?
Hi. Is this your sister?
Mmm, mmm.
Beautiful!
Mmm. Mmm.
- Hey, where are
our chicken wings?
- Show me "chicken wings"!
- Ah! Good order, Ted!
Okay, I'm gonna
go pick up Zoey,
then we're off.
See ya Sunday.
Oh, wait, Ted.
Do you have
a specific reaction
to any kind of alcohol?
Bourbon.
When I drink bourbon,
I get weirdly good
at beatboxing.
- Peace. I'm out.
Yeah!
Yeah, Ted,
I hate to tell you,
but the bourbon only
makes it sound good to you.
Pa-choo!
Ki-ki-ki-ki,
ki-ki-ki-ki!
Ka-ka-ka-ka,
ka-ka-ka-ka!
Koo-koo-koo-koo,
koo-koo-koo-koo!
Poom!
Peace. I'm out.
You had to take that away
from me, didn't you?
Well, enjoy
Martha's Vineyard.
Hopefully, by the time
you get back, we'll be allowed
back into MacLaren's.
- What do you mean?
- Barney and Marshall's feud
got us banned from the bar.
We lost our booth.
Oh...
Stop.
Man, how did things
get so screwed up?
Of course, I knew the answer
to that... I was dating her.
But I wasn't about
to ruin our first big
romantic weekend away...
by bringing up
the one topic we agreed
was completely off-limits.
You and the Arcadian
are ruining my life!
What?
- I thought
we weren't talking about...
- We're talking about this.
Look, I can handle you trying
to prevent me from fulfilling
a lifelong dream.
That's just being
in a relationship.
But now you turn
my best friend against me?
Marshall made his own choice.
Why aren't you mad at him?
Because he's going through
a lot right now.
He's looking for
something to believe in,
and you took advantage of that.
You're just like those Internet
swindlers who tricked him
into paying 300 bucks...
for a lock
of Sasquatch fur.
You cannot compare
the Arcadian...
to a Ziploc bag full
of Turkish armpit hair.
The Arcadian is a beautiful,
magnificent hotel.
Okay. You know what?
We're settling this
once and for all.
Okay. We've cross-referenced
every alcohol...
with Marshall
and Barney's reaction.
What's the right drink
for this situation?
Well, they're not talking.
They're not even looking
at each other.
God, it reminds me of those
awkward Sunday dinners with
my mom, my dad and his mistress.
Families, right?
Oh.
I-I guess.
That seems like
a whole other thing.
We need a drink
that will start a fight.
[ Ice Cubes Clink In Glass,
Liquid Pouring ]
Do you know what I had to do
to get you that job?
Do you know what I had
to do to will myself
to show up every day?
What? Wear a wrinkled suit
and not give a damn about
what your hair looked like?
I showed up with wet hair
once! Once!
Fine. I'm trying to say...
Well, here we are.
I had a reservation
at a four-star inn
overlooking the ocean,
but, uh, how can that compete
with such a beautiful,
magnificent hotel?
Welcome to the Arcadian.
[ Squeaking,
Scampering ]
So here's the deal.
If you can last until sunrise
in your precious Arcadian,
I'll join your side.
You're on.
This place is fantastic.
Oh.
They even left a chocolate
on the pillow.
That's not a chocolate.
How dare you!
Why do you keep making up
everything about...
Okay, now we need
to get them something
that will make them...
emotionally vulnerable
and completely,
pathetically honest.
Yeah, we need a drink
that... that takes subtext
and turns it into text.
Yeah.
See, ever since
the death of my father,
I have been drawn to
the idea of preservation.
That's why the Arcadian
speaks to me.
Ever since my father
walked out on my childhood,
I've had serious
abandonment issues. You
walking out on me like that...
- I didn't even think of that.
- It made me wonder what could
I have done to make him stay.
You didn't do anything wrong.
It wasn't you, Barney.
That's what everyone
keeps saying, but people
just keep leaving me!
- Wow, that got
real o'clock.
- Yeah.
We need to get them up
and having fun.
Dance, my puppets, dance.
Now do you see
why I'm always interfering
in other people's lives?
Oh, God. Totally.
No.
Well, we're here
for the night.
Might as well have some fun.
Care to join me?
Dust just flew out
of that comforter
in the shape of a skull.
Ooh, something
just passed through me.
Can you get S.T.D.'s
from the ghost
of a prostitute?
Hey!
What are you doing
in our bathroom?
This bathroom
for entire floor!
Okay. Final round.
What simple act will
get the boys to finally
forgive each other?
Sharing a brandy.
Which is what I walked into
my parents doing once.
Brandy was
my father's mistress.
Parents, right?
Again, just a whole
other thing, sweetie.
Where'd they go?
Oh, no.
They did shots.
What... What is it?
What's the worst thing
they could possibly
drink right now?
Your place or mi...
Your place
or mi...
Let's go
to your place.
Kids, don't drink tequila.
These were supposed to be
for a romantic dinner
on our balcony...
as we were serenaded by
the sounds of the ocean.
But I guess
we'll have to settle
for what sounded like...
two very large men
having sex next door...
with a third
very small man.
I think that small man
sounded very moved by
the Arcadian's beauty.
Okay. What is it?
And don't give me,
"It's beautiful."
Don't give me,
"It's magnificent."
What is it about this place
that makes you so passionate
to save it?
Uh...
Well,
when I was a little girl,
my family used to live here.
Why-Why have you
never told me that?
I never tell anyone that.
It makes it sound like
it would be impossible
for me to be objective,
but...
the truth is, I...
I loved growing up here.
We had just moved
to New York.
We were completely broke.
But my mom
told my sisters and me
that the Arcadian was a castle,
and we believed her.
I know it's not
what it used to be,
but this building
is a part of who I am.
That's why I want so badly...
for you to like it too.
Kids, you never forget
the first time, or place,
you tell a girl...
I love you.
I love you too.
Come on in.
You're unbanned.
I gave these guys some drinks,
and they calmed down
and made up.
- Well, what drink
finally did the trick?
- A beer.
- Of course, beer.
I love you.
I love you!
No, no. Not right now.
You know,
I guess this place
isn't so bad.
See? With a little renovation,
we could restore it
to its former...
What was that?
- What was what?
- I think it went under the bed.
- Yeah. I don't see anything.
Ted! Ted! What is that?
Oh, my God!
It's the cock-a-mouse!
The what?
Cock-a-mouse.
Part cockroach,
part mouse.
It used to live
in our apartment.
It must've settled here.
And, oh, look!
It had babies.
Good for it!
Ew.
I give up. You win.
Let's go.
Be well, my friends!
Aw, just how
we left them.
Morning.
Who wants breakfast?
You got some coffee
so I can throw it
in this traitor's face?
Oh, yeah? Hey! Hey!
Do you guys have
some pancakes,
because I...
would really like
some pancakes.
They're fantastic.
Let's be honest. I love them.
But I hate this guy!
I thought they made up
last night.
Damn it.
I know what happened.
I love you.
I love you!
No, no. Not right now.
Carl, a round
of champagne.
Ooh!
The champagne!
We gave them
one drink too many.
They must have blacked out
and forgotten
the whole thing.
What kind of dirtbag
doesn't stand
by his best friends,
but instead sides with
some self-righteous bitch...
with a pointless cause
and a megaphone?
Dude,
that's my girlfriend.
And you know what?
I'm on her side now too.
Whoa. Whoa.
You have got
to be kidding me! Ted!
Okay, what drink
can fix this?
Mama's done with this drama.
What drink can fix the headache
these clowns are giving me?
I got it.
Right?
Time is music
the planets make.
What is that?
English - US - Line 21