Kids, in the spring of 2011,
Zoey and I broke up.
But the good news...
Goliath National Bank
was finally ready...
to demolish the Arcadian
and build the new headquarters
I had designed for them.
Ho!
The only problem was
I kept butting heads...
with my project supervisor
on one very important issue.
I want to press the button
to blow up the Arcadian!
I want to press it!
Guys, I dated you both,
and neither of you
is good at pressing...
or even finding
"the button."
After some awkward pawing
around, that building's
gonna fake an implosion,
say,
"Baby, that was great,"
and go to sleep.
She means you.
I want to press it.
I am gonna press the button!
It's just
a button, okay?
Can we just talk about
something else, please?
Well, I ran
into Zoey yesterday.
Ooh.
That's the first time
since the breakup.
How's she doing?
I'm still unemployed,
so I had to get
a couple roommates.
Saving money.
Making new friends.
No downside.
They're all 22 and sell drugs.
Which means
they're not taking them,
so that's a win.
Well, I can tell you're
really busy, so I should...
I'll let you go.
Hey.
You want to get coffee
sometime?
You know "coffee" is code
for "I want to get back
together," right?
Well, at first I wasn't sure,
but then she said something
that got me thinking.
I want to get back together.
- Don't worry.
We're not. I just...
I feel bad Zoey's
having such a hard time.
You know what might make you
feel better, buddy?
I'm not letting you
press the button.
I want to press the button!
You're not pressing
the button! It's my button!
I'm gonna press...
Sadly, that's all you need
to know about my summer.
Now around this time,
Uncle Marshall was still having
a tough time finding a job.
He's out printing up
a whole new
batch of résumés...
because he misspelled
the phrase
"detail oriented."
Mm.
And when he
gets back home,
he is gonna find
his favorite soup
there waiting for him.
Aw. That's sweet, Lil,
but didn't you guys get
food poisoning here one time?
Three times.
But they're really
nice about it.
Their policy is "get sick,
get a free gallon of soup."
[ Sneezes,
Clears Throat ]
And so Lily dropped off
Marshall's surprise soup
and headed back to work...
to introduce the new class pet.
This is Mr. Buttons II.
Now, after what happened
to Mr. Buttons I,
we have to be
very gentle with...
Marshall!
Ew!
Sorry.
Don't eat the soup!
Oh. Thank God.
This was about to be
my third bowl.
Why shouldn't I eat the soup?
Hey, Mr. Architect!
Big day for you tomorrow, huh?
Yeah. Getting to stand next
to me while I press the button.
That is gonna be legen...
wait for it...
dary adjacent.
Legendary adjacent!
You okay?
Yeah. No.
I... This morning I was
talking to the foreman.
Hey, hotshot.
You know, Rod, um,
I'm loving that nickname.
And I can tell
it's totally affectionate.
But, uh, I prefer Ted.
Yeah, but you're such a hotshot,
I figured I'd just
call you "hotshot."
Pick one. And make sure
you like it.
There's gonna be 50,000
of these in your big
hotshot building, hotshot.
50,000 lightbulbs.
I mean, what if
this one's too bright?
What if this one flickers...
and gives everyone
a weird headache?
Do you know how many
people it takes...
to change 50,000 lightbulbs?
Are these people
Irish, Polish, blondes?
What are we dealing with here?
There's so many
decisions to be made.
What if I make all
the wrong ones...
and my building just sucks?
Not possible.
Your building is new.
And I have one rule...
new is always better.
You can't keep saying you have
one rule if they're always
different rules.
Ah! But "new is
always better"...
is my oldest rule,
which makes it the best.
- Marsh.
- Hey, buddy.
- Hey.
- Everything okay?
Lily got food poisoning
from some soup.
And then I ate the soup...
exactly three hours later,
which means I can see...
exactly three hours
into my future.
And it doesn't... look... good.
I tried to be supportive.
Oh, baby, can you
just hold me, please?
Of course, baby.
But it doesn't help
that when Lily gets going...
she sounds like a velociraptor
from Jurassic Park.
But then I realized a man can do
a lot of living in three hours.
So I'm out experiencing
this beautiful,
crazy dance called life.
Ah. My last meal.
MacLaren's famous
jalapeño poppers.
My doctor says I need
to eat healthier, so I figure
the round-trip flight...
these babies are about to take
will land them permanently
on the no-fry list.
Good-bye, my friend.
It's been a hell of a ride.
I have to...
Hey, babe.
The gang says,
"Feel better."
Mm, thanks. Wait.
You didn't tell them
I had food poisoning, did you?
Um, I...
Marshall, when it's
stomach stuff, you just say
"under the weather,"
or people start picturing you
doing unspeakable things.
I know! I just said
that you have the sniffles.
No one is picturing anything
but little red-nosed you...
under a blanky
with some hot tea.
I wonder what end
it's coming out of Lily
right now.
I bet it's her tushie.
I bet it's both.
Hey, speaking of explosions,
enough already, Ted!
That button's mine!
Yeah, fine, okay.
I got you this job, so I...
Say what?
Whatever. It's yours.
I got to run.
You...
Hello?
Yes, it is.
It's Bloom,
Greenberg & Associates.
They want me to come interview.
Yes, I know it's risky to go,
but this is the best
environmental law firm
in New York.
It's my dream job.
That's a great idea, babe.
I'll ask them.
Hey, is it at all possible...
Could I come in on Monday?
Okay, I'll see you at 5:00.
Thank you.
I love and believe
in you too, baby.
Why would Ted just give up
the button like that?
He...
And he forgot his phone.
- "See you in an hour."
- Who's that from?
Zoey. They're meeting
for coffee.
Ted's getting back
together with her.
Why would Ted
get back together with Zoey?
He's doing great.
Well, after a breakup,
we all think we're doing great.
But sometimes
the tiniest trigger
can unravel you...
and send you crawling
right back.
No. I refuse to believe
that Ted...
is getting back
together with Zoey
because of lightbulbs.
Uh, Ted's gone back for less.
Hi. Natalie, you want
to get coffee sometime?
Bro?
Ted, I only have one rule.
But I can't reach
the worst part.
Hi, Karen.
Want to get coffee sometime?
Coming up next...
our two local pandas,
Ming Ming and Bao Bao,
are expecting a baby.
- Robin, you want
to get coffee sometime?
Get it together, bro.
According
to my calculations,
at 6:00 p.m...
my body is gonna pay out
like the most disgusting
slot machine in the world.
That gives me two hours
to go do the interview
and still get back in time.
Oh, but, baby,
what if you hit
the jackpot early?
Oh, don't worry.
I'll be prepared.
Well, I'm talking
your ear off. Sorry.
Is there anything
I can do for you, sweetie?
Can I borrow...
an adult diaper?
We gotta stop Ted.
Where are they meeting?
Okay, Zoey wrote,
"Meet me at 6:00
where it all began,
where you gave me the orchid
at the intersection."
Well, that's good.
All we have to do
is think back...
to the time Ted told us about
his first date with Zoey.
Amazing first date with Zoey.
We met at the intersection...
Aw! That's sweet.
Totally.
- You weren't listening either?
- I was in a coma.
I mean, who pays attention
to that sappy romantic crap?
Lily!
- Lily!
Yeah, I wasn't listening either.
Ted really can
go on about a bitch.
Great. He could be anywhere,
and we're flat out of clues.
I...
Hey, wait!
Ted left a message.
I couldn't hear it
'cause I was in the bathroom...
blowing my nose.
I have the sniffles.
Hey, Lily.
Hope you're feeling better.
Marshall told us
you're exploding from both ends
like a busted fire hydrant.
- Damn it, Marshall.
Anyway, listen.
I was gonna get back together
with Zoey today,
but then I came to my senses
on the way out here, so...
False alarm.
Oh, crap.
I just stepped in some gum.
I'm getting back together
with Zoey!
Okay, we're never
gonna find him.
Hey, wait, wait, wait!
That was a subway announcement
in the background.
I speak conductor.
- Hey, Lily.
- Hope you're feeling better.
Marshall told us...
Got it. Ted's at...
Lil...
Ah-choo!
Ted's at Smith and 9th Street.
Then that's
the intersection.
That's in Brooklyn.
How are we ever gonna
get there in time?
Way ahead of you.
Hello!
Marshall! Jake Bloom.
Great to meet you.
Hello. Hi.
Hey. Oh, I'm sorry
about the stench.
We're suing a factory
that's been dumping raw sewage
into a local marshland.
Yeah. Ten minutes ago,
I was knee-deep
in liquefied human feces.
And that was just
on the F train.
I can't believe
Ted's getting back
together with Zoey.
I know. They were
a total train wreck.
Unmitigated disaster.
Worst couple ever.
Yeah.
Almost as bad as us.
We were a mess.
Do you remember how awful
I looked by the end?
My hair was falling out.
My skin was gray.
My back was hunched.
What about me?
I got so fat,
at the end of the date
you'd unhook my bra.
You were the only boyfriend
I ever motorboated.
Thank God we're not
sentimental saps who panic
and get back together.
Seriously.
Why would people do that?
I guess I get it.
What do you mean?
Well, no matter
how bad things got,
Ted really did love
Zoey for a minute there,
didn't he?
Yeah. He did.
And... she loved him too.
Didn't she?
Yeah, she did.
Smith
and 9th Street.
So, let me show you...
some of the gut-wrenching
environmental atrocities...
that we are working
to stop, okay?
Mmm.
- Here. Pop quiz.
What is that?
That's a seal.
Bingo. Yes.
A bloated seal corpse
rotting in industrial waste.
Mm-hmm.
Now, wait till you see
what we found...
when we cut him open.
Okay, where the hell are they?
Maybe this isn't
the intersection.
Well, maybe it is
and we're too late.
Man, I wish we'd gotten
to Brooklyn sooner.
I know, right?
Ever since
the Trader Joe's opened up,
Brooklyn is so... whatever.
Wait.
Where'd you get that?
Across the street.
At The Intersection.
So, um,
you guys wanna buy
some weed or...
She's alone.
There's still time.
But where the hell is Ted?
Wait a minute.
On their first date,
he brought her an orchid.
How much do you wanna bet
he's gonna do it again?
- Brilliant.
- Right?
But wait. He had a huge
head start on us.
There's no way
he's still in there,
unless he spent
half an hour picking out
the perfect orchid.
Thanks, Julia.
You know what?
Let me see the
pink lady's slipper again.
Now, you know
what that is?
A pile of rotting
seagull carcasses...
covered in toxic sludge.
Being eaten by rats.
Mm-hmm.
Exactly.
Now this next slide...
Oh.
I'm sorry.
That's my wife's
water birth.
I don't know
how that got in there.
Anyway,
that's all my questions.
Oh, my God. I made it.
Now just shake his hand,
clench your very soul
and run like hell.
Mm. Now, I like to
set aside 20 minutes...
at the end
of every interview
for your questions.
So don't hold back.
Whatever you got inside
there, you just let 'er rip.
I can't do this anymore.
I'm just gonna tell him
the truth.
When it's stomach stuff,
you just say
"under the weather,"
or people start picturing you
doing unspeakable things.
I have food poisoning...
and I'm about to start
volcanoing toxic sludge
out of both ends.
Nailed it.
Thanks, Julia!
No. On second thought...
No!
Come on!
What the hell?
You can't get back
together with Zoey...
just because
you're freaking out
over a lightbulb.
I'm not freaking out
over a lightbulb.
I'm freaking out
over 50,000 lightbulbs!
I can't do this.
I only got this job
because you gave it
to me, Barney.
I didn't earn it.
Look, Ted,
the future is scary.
But you can't just
run back to the past
because it's familiar.
Yes, it's tempting.
But...
it's a mistake.
You're right.
Um, excuse me.
Can you give this
to the blonde
sitting alone in there...
and tell her
Ted's really sorry?
Also...
Indirect sunlight.
Don't overwater.
Half a cup a week
is more than enough.
No. Um...
Hi.
And, kids...
That's how I met your mother.
Psych.
It was just some chick.
Hey, baby. How'd it go?
Lily, this year...
this nasty, school-yard
bully of a year... will not stop
punching me in the face.
How did we kick off 2011?
My dad died.
And now after five months
of unemployment,
I just blew my dream job.
Good news is, in a few seconds,
I'm gonna start heaving
my guts out...
because that's what
life is for me now...
just losing what's inside
until I'm just empty.
Baby, come here.
I just wanna shut my eyes
for a few seconds
before it starts.
And Marshall slept.
All night.
Okay, hotshot.
Mr. Stinson.
Who's going to do the honors?
He is.
Are you sure?
Yeah. You earned it.
All clear.
Hey.
New is always better, right?
Always.
Ten,
nine, eight...
Lily. It's a miracle.
I didn't get sick.
I... I didn't get sick.
I know, baby.
I'm pregnant.
You know, I'm proud of you
for giving Ted the button.
It meant a lot.
It's just a button.
Can we talk about
something else, please?
I don't...
But you need to.
Nora.
Hi.
How have you been?
Fine.
Hey, look.
I don't know why you would
possibly say yes to this,
but would you want
to grab a cup of coffee
with me sometime?
Twenty minutes.
I was such a jerk to you.
You can spend the entire
time calling me every
dirty name in the book.
I speak four languages.
I'm gonna need more
than 20 minutes.
I'll call you.
You look beautiful,
by the way.
And here I thought it was
too late for sundresses.
It's never too late, Barney.
Challenge accepted.
Best man,
you're being summoned.
Geez. What now?
I heard the groom needed me.
What do you think
of this tie?
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