1
00:00:02,508 --> 00:00:04,884
I can't believe

2
00:00:02,508 --> 00:00:04,884
I'm talking to a therapist.

3
00:00:05,009 --> 00:00:07,801
Well, usually, I'm not

4
00:00:05,009 --> 00:00:07,801
the touchy-feely,

5
00:00:07,926 --> 00:00:09,884
talk-about-your-emotions type,

6
00:00:10,009 --> 00:00:13,759
but with this, I just had

7
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to be a big enough person

8
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to admit that I need help.

9
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Huh. I guess this is what

10
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growing up feels like.

11
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This is court-mandated therapy.

12
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You assaulted a woman.

13
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Oh...

14
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That silly thing.

15
00:00:29,634 --> 00:00:31,425
I guess we can talk about that.

16
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It all began a few months ago.

17
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There's this guy, Barney.

18
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We used to date.

19
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I set him up with this girl

20
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I work with, Nora.

21
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Barney was working hard

22
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to prove he was

23
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real boyfriend material.

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So, all week, I had to sit there

25
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watching him...

26
00:00:49,300 --> 00:00:51,341
send flowers...

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00:00:54,717 --> 00:00:56,133
chocolates...

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balloons.

29
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Then one day...

30
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Hey...

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I heard Barney didn't send

32
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anything today.

33
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Patrice said

34
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maybe he met somebody else.

35
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She's such

36
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a bitch, right?

37
00:01:28,801 --> 00:01:29,717
He's so dreamy.

38
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Nobody asked you, Patrice!

39
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I'm sorry.

40
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You must already think

41
00:01:34,967 --> 00:01:36,258
that I'm a horrible person.

42
00:01:36,383 --> 00:01:38,842
Robin, many of my patients

43
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are disturbed felons.

44
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Last week, one of them mailed me

45
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a bag of his feces.

46
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On the plus side,

47
00:01:42,008 --> 00:01:43,717
he remembered my birthday.

48
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You're doing fine.

49
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Well, finally, I-I just

50
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couldn't take it anymore.

51
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I snapped.

52
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Aw...!

53
00:02:05,216 --> 00:02:06,675
And that's when

54
00:02:05,216 --> 00:02:06,675
the assault occurred?

55
00:02:06,801 --> 00:02:08,425
Not exactly.

56
00:02:24,925 --> 00:02:26,133
So, you're drunk

57
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under a desk, binge-eating

58
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stolen chocolates.

59
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Boy, I am not coming

60
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across great here, am I?

61
00:02:31,300 --> 00:02:33,300
This is not about how

62
00:02:31,300 --> 00:02:33,300
you're coming across.

63
00:02:33,425 --> 00:02:34,550
But no.

64
00:02:34,675 --> 00:02:36,675
Okay, well, for this story

65
00:02:34,675 --> 00:02:36,675
to make sense,

66
00:02:36,801 --> 00:02:39,174
I have to tell you about

67
00:02:36,801 --> 00:02:39,174
my friends Marshall and Lily.

68
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The wine looks good.

69
00:02:42,634 --> 00:02:44,801
Hey, hey, hey, hey,

70
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pregnant women

71
00:02:44,925 --> 00:02:46,634
can't drink alcohol.

72
00:02:46,759 --> 00:02:47,883
No, my doctor says it's okay

73
00:02:48,008 --> 00:02:50,174
to have a sip of wine

74
00:02:48,008 --> 00:02:50,174
every now and then.

75
00:02:50,300 --> 00:02:51,133
Really?

76
00:02:51,174 --> 00:02:52,759
Dr. Sonya's great.

77
00:02:52,883 --> 00:02:55,300
Whenever you ask her if you can

78
00:02:52,883 --> 00:02:55,300
have something, she's, like...

79
00:02:55,425 --> 00:02:58,258
Just a little bit.

80
00:02:58,383 --> 00:03:00,842
Wait, Dr. Sonya doesn't let

81
00:02:58,383 --> 00:03:00,842
you have sushi, does she?

82
00:03:01,133 --> 00:03:03,133
Just a little bit.

83
00:03:04,174 --> 00:03:05,174
You're allowed

84
00:03:04,174 --> 00:03:05,174
to have Cheetos?

85
00:03:05,300 --> 00:03:07,341
Cheetos...

86
00:03:07,467 --> 00:03:09,467
Ah, just a little bit.

87
00:03:10,592 --> 00:03:11,967
You mind if I double-check

88
00:03:12,133 --> 00:03:13,425
some of this stuff

89
00:03:12,133 --> 00:03:13,425
just in case?

90
00:03:13,550 --> 00:03:15,341
I mean, it's the least

91
00:03:13,550 --> 00:03:15,341
I could do

92
00:03:15,467 --> 00:03:17,341
as part of Team Baby.

93
00:03:17,467 --> 00:03:19,216
"Team Baby"?

94
00:03:17,467 --> 00:03:19,216
Whoa. What's next,

95
00:03:19,341 --> 00:03:21,341
like, cheesy

96
00:03:19,341 --> 00:03:21,341
matching T-shirts?

97
00:03:22,508 --> 00:03:26,842
No.

98
00:03:26,967 --> 00:03:28,425
Robin, I've had serial killers

99
00:03:26,967 --> 00:03:28,425
lead me

100
00:03:28,550 --> 00:03:31,133
to shallow graves faster

101
00:03:28,550 --> 00:03:31,133
than you're telling this story.

102
00:03:31,174 --> 00:03:34,592
Okay! Look, it was getting

103
00:03:31,174 --> 00:03:34,592
impossible for me

104
00:03:34,717 --> 00:03:37,425
to be around Nora,

105
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so when an opportunity

106
00:03:37,550 --> 00:03:39,133
to get rid of her

107
00:03:37,550 --> 00:03:39,133
presented itself...

108
00:03:39,174 --> 00:03:40,967
It's Sandy time!

109
00:03:41,133 --> 00:03:42,383
Huddle up, gang.

110
00:03:42,508 --> 00:03:45,008
Two things: 1) Somebody stole

111
00:03:45,133 --> 00:03:47,008
a very expensive bottle of wine

112
00:03:45,133 --> 00:03:47,008
from my office...

113
00:03:50,883 --> 00:03:54,300
2) I need a producer to cover

114
00:03:50,883 --> 00:03:54,300
the G8 Summit in France.

115
00:03:54,425 --> 00:03:55,550
Nora will do it!

116
00:03:55,675 --> 00:03:58,174
I mean, I know I have

117
00:03:55,675 --> 00:03:58,174
seniority, but...

118
00:03:58,300 --> 00:04:00,133
I was gonna ask Nora anyway.

119
00:04:00,216 --> 00:04:03,550
Thanks for the support, Robin.

120
00:04:00,216 --> 00:04:03,550
This is huge for me.

121
00:04:05,216 --> 00:04:07,508
Are, are you

122
00:04:05,216 --> 00:04:07,508
sure about this, Sandy?

123
00:04:07,634 --> 00:04:09,133
I do have seniority.

124
00:04:09,216 --> 00:04:12,133
Oh, I'm sure. Nora's amazing.

125
00:04:12,216 --> 00:04:14,550
I want to have sex with her.

126
00:04:15,675 --> 00:04:17,883
To deal with that rejection

127
00:04:15,675 --> 00:04:17,883
from Barney,

128
00:04:18,008 --> 00:04:19,634
not to mention your boss...

129
00:04:19,759 --> 00:04:21,258
must've really hurt.

130
00:04:22,383 --> 00:04:24,216
Why don't we dig

131
00:04:22,383 --> 00:04:24,216
into those emotions?

132
00:04:25,717 --> 00:04:28,258
So Marshall and Lily were

133
00:04:25,717 --> 00:04:28,258
at Dr. Sonya's office...

134
00:04:31,425 --> 00:04:32,634
It's fascinating

135
00:04:32,759 --> 00:04:36,800
how profoundly little I know

136
00:04:32,759 --> 00:04:36,800
about vaginas.

137
00:04:37,634 --> 00:04:39,133
DR. SONYA

138
00:04:37,634 --> 00:04:39,133
Come in.

139
00:04:39,216 --> 00:04:41,425
Ted, what are you

140
00:04:39,216 --> 00:04:41,425
doing here?

141
00:04:41,550 --> 00:04:43,133
I checked up on all the stuff

142
00:04:43,258 --> 00:04:46,967
this "doctor" says is okay,

143
00:04:43,258 --> 00:04:46,967
and she's wrong.

144
00:04:47,133 --> 00:04:51,634
So, for the health of this baby,

145
00:04:47,133 --> 00:04:51,634
I'm stepping in.

146
00:04:51,759 --> 00:04:53,383
Sounds like this Ted guy could

147
00:04:51,759 --> 00:04:53,383
benefit from some therapy.

148
00:04:53,508 --> 00:04:54,800
Oh, he definitely could.

149
00:04:54,925 --> 00:04:56,216
This is unacceptable.

150
00:04:56,341 --> 00:04:58,383
I'm sorry, we're gonna have

151
00:04:56,341 --> 00:04:58,383
to find a new doctor.

152
00:04:58,508 --> 00:05:00,383
Guys, for the health

153
00:04:58,508 --> 00:05:00,383
of our baby,

154
00:05:00,508 --> 00:05:02,216
Our?

155
00:05:00,508 --> 00:05:02,216
we have to get serious

156
00:05:02,341 --> 00:05:04,133
about what Lily is

157
00:05:02,341 --> 00:05:04,133
putting in her body.

158
00:05:04,216 --> 00:05:05,925
Speaking of which,

159
00:05:04,216 --> 00:05:05,925
when we deliver,

160
00:05:06,133 --> 00:05:07,467
we won't be using any drugs.

161
00:05:07,592 --> 00:05:08,758
Get out!

162
00:05:08,883 --> 00:05:10,758
Why are you kicking me out?

163
00:05:10,883 --> 00:05:13,967
Because you're always intruding

164
00:05:10,883 --> 00:05:13,967
on our intimate moments!

165
00:05:14,133 --> 00:05:16,841
This is like college

166
00:05:14,133 --> 00:05:16,841
all over again!

167
00:05:19,133 --> 00:05:20,925
Man, you guys

168
00:05:19,133 --> 00:05:20,925
sure are messy!

169
00:05:21,133 --> 00:05:22,133
There's clothes everywhere.

170
00:05:22,258 --> 00:05:24,634
There's even a sock

171
00:05:22,258 --> 00:05:24,634
on the door!

172
00:05:24,758 --> 00:05:27,925
A sock on the door

173
00:05:24,758 --> 00:05:27,925
is a universal code

174
00:05:28,133 --> 00:05:29,258
for "We need some space."

175
00:05:29,383 --> 00:05:31,675
We needed it back then,

176
00:05:29,383 --> 00:05:31,675
and we need it now.

177
00:05:31,800 --> 00:05:33,508
Come on! We're a trio!

178
00:05:33,634 --> 00:05:35,008
We've always been a trio!

179
00:05:35,133 --> 00:05:37,383
We're right up there with Batman

180
00:05:35,133 --> 00:05:37,383
and Robin and Alfred.

181
00:05:37,508 --> 00:05:38,634
Out!

182
00:05:38,758 --> 00:05:41,008
Romeo and Juliet

183
00:05:38,758 --> 00:05:41,008
and the Apothecary.

184
00:05:41,133 --> 00:05:41,800
Now!

185
00:05:41,925 --> 00:05:45,216
Salt and Pepper and Cumin!

186
00:05:45,341 --> 00:05:48,008
What's that little guy

187
00:05:45,341 --> 00:05:48,008
up there do?

188
00:05:48,133 --> 00:05:49,133
Oh, you poor girl.

189
00:05:50,133 --> 00:05:50,883
Robin!

190
00:05:51,008 --> 00:05:52,300
It all ties together, I swear.

191
00:05:52,425 --> 00:05:55,133
So, Nora was about

192
00:05:52,425 --> 00:05:55,133
to leave for France.

193
00:05:55,258 --> 00:05:56,675
You know, not

194
00:05:55,258 --> 00:05:56,675
too long ago,

195
00:05:56,800 --> 00:05:57,841
I would have

196
00:05:56,800 --> 00:05:57,841
been worried

197
00:05:57,967 --> 00:05:59,300
that if I left you alone,

198
00:05:59,425 --> 00:06:02,133
you'd be up to no good

199
00:05:59,425 --> 00:06:02,133
with some blond bimbo.

200
00:06:02,258 --> 00:06:03,675
Oh, I've changed.

201
00:06:03,800 --> 00:06:05,634
I know, which is why

202
00:06:03,800 --> 00:06:05,634
when I get back,

203
00:06:05,758 --> 00:06:07,967
it's gonna be the start

204
00:06:05,758 --> 00:06:07,967
of a new chapter for us.

205
00:06:08,133 --> 00:06:10,592
A chapter of me and you

206
00:06:08,133 --> 00:06:10,592
and hopefully not that tie.

207
00:06:10,716 --> 00:06:11,883
You got me!

208
00:06:12,008 --> 00:06:13,841
Have a nice trip!

209
00:06:15,508 --> 00:06:17,383
Dr. Stinson?

210
00:06:15,508 --> 00:06:17,383
I saw your ad,

211
00:06:17,508 --> 00:06:19,758
and I'm here for my free

212
00:06:17,508 --> 00:06:19,758
breast-reduction consultation.

213
00:06:19,883 --> 00:06:22,425
What do you think?

214
00:06:22,550 --> 00:06:25,341
Are they too big?

215
00:06:31,716 --> 00:06:34,174
I can't believe you're still

216
00:06:31,716 --> 00:06:34,174
running plays on dumb blondes!

217
00:06:34,300 --> 00:06:35,716
I thought you were

218
00:06:34,300 --> 00:06:35,716
serious about Nora!

219
00:06:35,841 --> 00:06:37,300
No, I've been good, I swear!

220
00:06:37,425 --> 00:06:39,800
I just forgot about my BDSes.

221
00:06:39,925 --> 00:06:43,425
BDSes?

222
00:06:39,925 --> 00:06:43,425
Bimbo Delivery Systems.

223
00:06:43,550 --> 00:06:46,883
You see, over the years,

224
00:06:43,550 --> 00:06:46,883
I've launched a variety

225
00:06:47,008 --> 00:06:49,883
of elaborate systems that are

226
00:06:47,008 --> 00:06:49,883
always working to get me laid.

227
00:06:50,008 --> 00:06:52,133
Like my pop-up ads.

228
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Oh, hi.

229
00:06:52,216 --> 00:06:55,550
I'm Dr. Barney Stinson.

230
00:06:55,674 --> 00:06:57,300
Are your really large breasts

231
00:06:57,425 --> 00:06:58,925
making everyday tasks difficult?

232
00:06:59,133 --> 00:07:01,133
Oh!

233
00:07:01,258 --> 00:07:03,133
There's just got

234
00:07:01,258 --> 00:07:03,133
to be a better way!

235
00:07:03,258 --> 00:07:04,592
There is!

236
00:07:04,716 --> 00:07:08,133
I, Dr. Barney Stinson,

237
00:07:04,716 --> 00:07:08,133
for a limited time only,

238
00:07:08,174 --> 00:07:11,258
can give you a free

239
00:07:08,174 --> 00:07:11,258
breast-reduction consultation.

240
00:07:11,383 --> 00:07:12,841
Call me.

241
00:07:12,967 --> 00:07:14,508
If your knockers are

242
00:07:12,967 --> 00:07:14,508
just too damn big,

243
00:07:14,633 --> 00:07:17,883
I can handle them... it.

244
00:07:18,008 --> 00:07:19,967
Women actually

245
00:07:18,008 --> 00:07:19,967
fell for that?

246
00:07:20,133 --> 00:07:21,800
Yeah.

247
00:07:20,133 --> 00:07:21,800
That business really took off.

248
00:07:21,925 --> 00:07:23,716
It played in all kinds

249
00:07:21,925 --> 00:07:23,716
of markets.

250
00:07:29,216 --> 00:07:32,008
Okay, survivors,

251
00:07:29,216 --> 00:07:32,008
today's reward challenge

252
00:07:32,133 --> 00:07:35,133
is brought to you by

253
00:07:32,133 --> 00:07:35,133
Dr. Barney Stinson's

254
00:07:35,258 --> 00:07:36,633
Free Breast Reduction

255
00:07:35,258 --> 00:07:36,633
Consultations.

256
00:07:36,758 --> 00:07:38,592
That scam was

257
00:07:36,758 --> 00:07:38,592
so successful,

258
00:07:38,716 --> 00:07:40,841
it spawned a related enterprise.

259
00:07:42,258 --> 00:07:45,008
If you've been fooled

260
00:07:42,258 --> 00:07:45,008
by a well-endowed man

261
00:07:45,133 --> 00:07:46,341
who claimed to be a doctor

262
00:07:46,467 --> 00:07:49,758
offering free breast-reduction

263
00:07:46,467 --> 00:07:49,758
consultations,

264
00:07:49,883 --> 00:07:53,008
come see me, Arnie Linson,

265
00:07:49,883 --> 00:07:53,008
attorney-at-law,

266
00:07:53,133 --> 00:07:56,133
and join my class-action suit.

267
00:07:56,174 --> 00:07:57,925
If your giant breasts

268
00:07:56,174 --> 00:07:57,925
have been wronged,

269
00:07:58,133 --> 00:08:01,800
I can handle them... it.

270
00:08:01,925 --> 00:08:04,133
I got 'em comin' and goin'!

271
00:08:04,258 --> 00:08:06,591
Uh-huh.

272
00:08:06,716 --> 00:08:08,467
I can't believe you go

273
00:08:08,591 --> 00:08:10,674
to so much trouble

274
00:08:08,591 --> 00:08:10,674
to get laid.

275
00:08:10,800 --> 00:08:12,467
Yeah, sometimes I don't

276
00:08:10,800 --> 00:08:12,467
even have to shower.

277
00:08:12,591 --> 00:08:14,508
Mama loves it musky.

278
00:08:14,633 --> 00:08:17,550
I gotta shut down all these

279
00:08:14,633 --> 00:08:17,550
systems before Nora gets back.

280
00:08:17,674 --> 00:08:19,800
How am I gonna do all that

281
00:08:17,674 --> 00:08:19,800
in three days?

282
00:08:19,925 --> 00:08:21,300
I'll help you.

283
00:08:21,425 --> 00:08:24,549
Maybe you should write

284
00:08:21,425 --> 00:08:24,549
on your little chart there:

285
00:08:24,674 --> 00:08:27,883
"Patient selflessly tried

286
00:08:24,674 --> 00:08:27,883
to help a friend in need."

287
00:08:28,008 --> 00:08:30,841
First of all, this is

288
00:08:28,008 --> 00:08:30,841
a crossword puzzle.

289
00:08:30,967 --> 00:08:33,258
Secondly, you were clearly

290
00:08:30,967 --> 00:08:33,258
planning on using

291
00:08:33,383 --> 00:08:34,674
those three days

292
00:08:33,383 --> 00:08:34,674
to steal Barney back.

293
00:08:34,800 --> 00:08:38,300
I am his friend! How dare you!

294
00:08:38,425 --> 00:08:41,133
God, you think you're so smart

295
00:08:38,425 --> 00:08:41,133
just because

296
00:08:41,258 --> 00:08:42,591
you went to Harvard

297
00:08:42,716 --> 00:08:44,133
and then Princeton

298
00:08:44,258 --> 00:08:46,674
and then... wow,

299
00:08:44,258 --> 00:08:46,674
Harvard again.

300
00:08:46,800 --> 00:08:48,258
Okay, yes, fine.

301
00:08:48,383 --> 00:08:50,508
I was... I was trying

302
00:08:48,383 --> 00:08:50,508
to steal him back.

303
00:08:50,633 --> 00:08:52,133
This is good.

304
00:08:50,633 --> 00:08:52,133
You're finally opening up

305
00:08:52,174 --> 00:08:53,341
and talking about yourself,

306
00:08:53,467 --> 00:08:55,174
not just what Marshall

307
00:08:53,467 --> 00:08:55,174
and Lily were up to.

308
00:08:55,300 --> 00:08:57,133
Oh, yeah, so Marshall and Lily

309
00:08:55,300 --> 00:08:57,133
were folding laundry...

310
00:08:57,258 --> 00:08:59,341
That one's my fault.

311
00:08:59,467 --> 00:09:01,716
You know...

312
00:09:01,841 --> 00:09:04,425
Never mind.

313
00:09:05,925 --> 00:09:06,716
It's just...

314
00:09:06,841 --> 00:09:08,758
Forget it.

315
00:09:09,841 --> 00:09:11,425
Marshall, you're

316
00:09:09,841 --> 00:09:11,425
a grown-ass man.

317
00:09:11,549 --> 00:09:13,633
If you want to say

318
00:09:11,549 --> 00:09:13,633
something, just say it.

319
00:09:13,758 --> 00:09:15,841
I feel bad for Ted!

320
00:09:13,758 --> 00:09:15,841
And if my mom were here,

321
00:09:15,967 --> 00:09:17,133
she would ask me what was wrong.

322
00:09:17,258 --> 00:09:19,591
You feel bad for Ted?

323
00:09:19,716 --> 00:09:21,883
It's tough feeling

324
00:09:19,716 --> 00:09:21,883
like the third wheel.

325
00:09:22,008 --> 00:09:24,758
Okay, first of all,

326
00:09:22,008 --> 00:09:24,758
I'm sure Ted's fine.

327
00:09:24,883 --> 00:09:28,841
Who eats salt and pepper

328
00:09:24,883 --> 00:09:28,841
without cumin?

329
00:09:30,633 --> 00:09:33,883
Second, Ted is way off base

330
00:09:30,633 --> 00:09:33,883
coming after Dr. Sonya.

331
00:09:34,008 --> 00:09:35,341
We love her! Right?

332
00:09:39,467 --> 00:09:42,133
Don't tell me

333
00:09:39,467 --> 00:09:42,133
you're doubting Dr. Sonya!

334
00:09:42,216 --> 00:09:44,133
Just a little bit.

335
00:09:45,008 --> 00:09:46,549
What's that thing?

336
00:09:46,674 --> 00:09:49,133
Well, for some women, it was

337
00:09:46,674 --> 00:09:49,133
the ashes of my parents.

338
00:09:49,174 --> 00:09:52,133
For others, it was the trophy

339
00:09:49,174 --> 00:09:52,133
from Wimbledon.

340
00:09:52,174 --> 00:09:56,216
And believe it or not, for

341
00:09:52,174 --> 00:09:56,216
one busty dullard, it was both.

342
00:09:56,341 --> 00:09:58,841
Game, enormous set, match.

343
00:10:01,425 --> 00:10:03,049
Hello?

344
00:10:03,174 --> 00:10:04,674
Oh, yeah, thanks

345
00:10:03,174 --> 00:10:04,674
for calling me back.

346
00:10:04,800 --> 00:10:05,716
Uh, Barney,

347
00:10:05,841 --> 00:10:08,049
It's Mitch

348
00:10:05,841 --> 00:10:08,049
from the Port Authority.

349
00:10:11,174 --> 00:10:16,591
Port Authority Mitch.

350
00:10:11,174 --> 00:10:16,591
You'd always call me whenever

351
00:10:16,716 --> 00:10:18,800
a wide-eyed farm girl

352
00:10:16,716 --> 00:10:18,800
would get off the bus

353
00:10:18,925 --> 00:10:22,049
with big dreams of Broadway

354
00:10:18,925 --> 00:10:22,049
and no idea

355
00:10:22,174 --> 00:10:24,341
what a "casting director"

356
00:10:22,174 --> 00:10:24,341
could legally ask her to do,

357
00:10:24,466 --> 00:10:26,466
hold or lick during an audition.

358
00:10:26,591 --> 00:10:28,925
I'm sorry, old friend,

359
00:10:29,049 --> 00:10:31,424
your services are

360
00:10:29,049 --> 00:10:31,424
no longer needed.

361
00:10:31,549 --> 00:10:35,758
Oh, God, I can't believe

362
00:10:31,549 --> 00:10:35,758
I'm doing this over the phone!

363
00:10:36,633 --> 00:10:39,133
My love to Marge and the kids!

364
00:10:40,758 --> 00:10:42,174
I know. Here.

365
00:10:42,300 --> 00:10:45,091
I didn't realize

366
00:10:42,300 --> 00:10:45,091
this would be so hard!

367
00:10:42,300 --> 00:10:45,091
I know, I know.

368
00:10:45,216 --> 00:10:46,800
But hey, you know what? We're

369
00:10:45,216 --> 00:10:46,800
almost through our checklist.

370
00:10:46,925 --> 00:10:48,258
Okay?

371
00:10:46,925 --> 00:10:48,258
Okay.

372
00:10:46,925 --> 00:10:48,258
Okay?

373
00:10:48,383 --> 00:10:49,507
Which reminds me,

374
00:10:49,633 --> 00:10:51,674
why am I calling a hair salon

375
00:10:49,633 --> 00:10:51,674
and saying,

376
00:10:51,800 --> 00:10:53,841
"Jack Fantastic is quitting"?

377
00:10:53,967 --> 00:10:55,174
Sweetheart,

378
00:10:55,300 --> 00:10:57,633
it's like Maya Angelou

379
00:10:55,300 --> 00:10:57,633
keeps telling Oprah,

380
00:10:57,758 --> 00:10:59,466
and I keep telling you:

381
00:10:59,591 --> 00:11:03,133
When you know better,

382
00:10:59,591 --> 00:11:03,133
you do better.

383
00:11:03,174 --> 00:11:05,841
Wow, you are so wise.

384
00:11:05,967 --> 00:11:09,008
I wish you were straight

385
00:11:05,967 --> 00:11:09,008
so I could date you.

386
00:11:09,133 --> 00:11:11,716
Well...

387
00:11:11,841 --> 00:11:16,633
as a matter of fact, I have

388
00:11:11,841 --> 00:11:16,633
an extremely attractive

389
00:11:16,758 --> 00:11:20,967
straight twin brother!

390
00:11:23,716 --> 00:11:26,341
Oh, hi.

391
00:11:26,466 --> 00:11:28,258
I cropped that Halloween photo.

392
00:11:28,382 --> 00:11:32,216
It's just salt and pepper, now,

393
00:11:28,382 --> 00:11:32,216
so it looks ridiculous.

394
00:11:32,341 --> 00:11:34,507
Ted, I want you back

395
00:11:32,341 --> 00:11:34,507
on Team Baby.

396
00:11:32,341 --> 00:11:34,507
What?

397
00:11:34,633 --> 00:11:35,967
I knew you'd come around!

398
00:11:36,133 --> 00:11:38,174
Guys! I didn't really

399
00:11:36,133 --> 00:11:38,174
crop the photo!

400
00:11:38,300 --> 00:11:40,008
Plus...

401
00:11:40,133 --> 00:11:41,341
Good news.

402
00:11:41,466 --> 00:11:43,424
I signed us up for

403
00:11:41,466 --> 00:11:43,424
a birthing class.

404
00:11:43,549 --> 00:11:45,258
Well, that's insane.

405
00:11:45,382 --> 00:11:47,507
It's way too early for

406
00:11:45,382 --> 00:11:47,507
that, right, Marshall?

407
00:11:47,633 --> 00:11:50,758
Okay, listen. I am the

408
00:11:47,633 --> 00:11:50,758
father of this child,

409
00:11:50,883 --> 00:11:52,841
and I vote that we go

410
00:11:50,883 --> 00:11:52,841
to the birthing class.

411
00:11:52,967 --> 00:11:54,883
Absolutely not.

412
00:11:55,008 --> 00:11:56,258
'Kay, Lily.

413
00:11:56,382 --> 00:11:58,258
I hate to play this card...

414
00:11:58,382 --> 00:12:01,466
but if you don't

415
00:11:58,382 --> 00:12:01,466
come to this class...

416
00:12:01,591 --> 00:12:02,883
I'm withholding sex.

417
00:12:03,008 --> 00:12:04,258
I don't think she's coming.

418
00:12:04,382 --> 00:12:05,925
Yeah.

419
00:12:06,133 --> 00:12:08,507
I was a little suspicious when

420
00:12:06,133 --> 00:12:08,507
she had us take separate cabs.

421
00:12:11,300 --> 00:12:12,549
Lily, don't do it!

422
00:12:12,674 --> 00:12:14,549
Just a little bit.

423
00:12:14,674 --> 00:12:16,674
Think about our baby!

424
00:12:18,549 --> 00:12:20,758
You got to be kidding me,

425
00:12:18,549 --> 00:12:20,758
Robin. Get to the assault.

426
00:12:20,883 --> 00:12:22,883
Okay, fine.

427
00:12:23,008 --> 00:12:25,382
So Barney and I were finishing

428
00:12:23,008 --> 00:12:25,382
packing his apartment...

429
00:12:25,507 --> 00:12:29,133
Okay. One last item

430
00:12:25,507 --> 00:12:29,133
on the checklist.

431
00:12:29,174 --> 00:12:31,133
Disconnect the Cold Call 5000.

432
00:12:31,258 --> 00:12:32,967
What the hell's that?

433
00:12:33,133 --> 00:12:35,466
I was able to secure the

434
00:12:33,133 --> 00:12:35,466
customer database from a company

435
00:12:35,591 --> 00:12:37,633
that sells body glitter

436
00:12:35,591 --> 00:12:37,633
and high-end pasties.

437
00:12:37,758 --> 00:12:41,925
The Cold Call 5000 will

438
00:12:37,758 --> 00:12:41,925
dial every female client

439
00:12:42,133 --> 00:12:44,841
between the ages of 22 and 23,

440
00:12:44,967 --> 00:12:46,133
and leave the following message:

441
00:12:46,216 --> 00:12:47,800
Hi, I know this is crazy,

442
00:12:47,925 --> 00:12:50,883
but I saw you on the subway,

443
00:12:47,925 --> 00:12:50,883
and I knew we were meant to be.

444
00:12:51,008 --> 00:12:53,925
If you believe in destiny,

445
00:12:51,008 --> 00:12:53,925
come to MacLaren's tonight

446
00:12:54,133 --> 00:12:55,591
and find me, Barney Stinson.

447
00:12:55,716 --> 00:12:58,591
Because I have this feeling that

448
00:12:55,716 --> 00:12:58,591
I'm supposed to be on you...

449
00:12:58,716 --> 00:12:59,800
with you.

450
00:12:59,925 --> 00:13:01,967
Why not re-record it?

451
00:13:02,133 --> 00:13:04,008
I did like a hundred takes.

452
00:13:02,133 --> 00:13:04,008
It kept happening.

453
00:13:06,633 --> 00:13:08,299
I can't believe

454
00:13:06,633 --> 00:13:08,299
Lily's not coming!

455
00:13:08,424 --> 00:13:09,883
You know what? Screw it!

456
00:13:10,008 --> 00:13:12,633
Who says that two bros

457
00:13:10,008 --> 00:13:12,633
can't rock a birthing class?

458
00:13:12,758 --> 00:13:14,340
Rock it!

459
00:13:15,591 --> 00:13:19,841
Today, we'll be exploring

460
00:13:15,591 --> 00:13:19,841
"The Sensual Massage."

461
00:13:19,967 --> 00:13:23,133
Let's start by gently cupping

462
00:13:19,967 --> 00:13:23,133
our partner's hands...

463
00:13:29,507 --> 00:13:31,549
and just breathe each other in.

464
00:13:38,382 --> 00:13:39,925
Thanks, Robin.

465
00:13:40,133 --> 00:13:42,340
You're the only person I know

466
00:13:40,133 --> 00:13:42,340
who would help me do all that.

467
00:13:42,466 --> 00:13:44,299
You're a real bro.

468
00:13:44,424 --> 00:13:45,591
Am I, though?

469
00:13:45,716 --> 00:13:48,758
'Cause I'm really

470
00:13:45,716 --> 00:13:48,758
more of a woman.

471
00:13:48,883 --> 00:13:50,216
To my femininity.

472
00:13:50,340 --> 00:13:53,133
Nah, you're more of a bro.

473
00:13:53,174 --> 00:13:55,925
You're a dude.

474
00:13:53,174 --> 00:13:55,925
You're a man.

475
00:13:58,382 --> 00:14:02,549
Hey, you are flying

476
00:13:58,382 --> 00:14:02,549
solo one more night.

477
00:14:02,674 --> 00:14:05,133
How about I put on

478
00:14:02,674 --> 00:14:05,133
a smokin' hot dress,

479
00:14:05,215 --> 00:14:08,800
you slap a vest over

480
00:14:05,215 --> 00:14:08,800
that crime scene of a tie

481
00:14:08,925 --> 00:14:10,257
and we paint the town?

482
00:14:10,382 --> 00:14:12,382
I mean, when was the last time

483
00:14:10,382 --> 00:14:12,382
we got rip-roaring drunk

484
00:14:12,507 --> 00:14:14,967
in clothing that

485
00:14:12,507 --> 00:14:14,967
highlights our genders?

486
00:14:16,133 --> 00:14:18,133
So, your plan was to

487
00:14:16,133 --> 00:14:18,133
be out on the town,

488
00:14:18,215 --> 00:14:21,340
dressed provocatively, drinking

489
00:14:18,215 --> 00:14:21,340
with another woman's man.

490
00:14:22,507 --> 00:14:24,133
Robin, this is our

491
00:14:22,507 --> 00:14:24,133
first session, and

492
00:14:24,257 --> 00:14:27,382
I know this is just one

493
00:14:24,257 --> 00:14:27,382
clinical opinion, but...

494
00:14:27,507 --> 00:14:29,257
you a dawg!

495
00:14:29,382 --> 00:14:30,883
Yeah...

496
00:14:31,008 --> 00:14:32,507
There was just one problem...

497
00:14:32,633 --> 00:14:33,591
Surprise!

498
00:14:33,716 --> 00:14:35,133
I got back early!

499
00:14:35,174 --> 00:14:37,173
Hey!

500
00:14:39,215 --> 00:14:41,758
Let me guess,

501
00:14:41,883 --> 00:14:43,591
you got drunk

502
00:14:41,883 --> 00:14:43,591
under your desk again?

503
00:14:43,716 --> 00:14:48,215
No, Mr. Harvard. I handled

504
00:14:43,716 --> 00:14:48,215
things a little differently...

505
00:14:58,133 --> 00:15:00,633
So, I suppose now you want me

506
00:14:58,133 --> 00:15:00,633
to talk about how it felt

507
00:15:00,758 --> 00:15:02,716
watching Barney and Nora

508
00:15:00,758 --> 00:15:02,716
walk off together, right?

509
00:15:02,841 --> 00:15:05,173
I'd rather just skip ahead

510
00:15:02,841 --> 00:15:05,173
to the assault.

511
00:15:05,299 --> 00:15:06,591
My next patient thinks he's God.

512
00:15:06,716 --> 00:15:08,133
On the off chance

513
00:15:06,716 --> 00:15:08,133
that he's right,

514
00:15:08,173 --> 00:15:09,674
I really don't want

515
00:15:08,173 --> 00:15:09,674
to keep him waiting.

516
00:15:09,800 --> 00:15:13,340
Well, right after they left,

517
00:15:09,800 --> 00:15:13,340
something crazy happened.

518
00:15:13,466 --> 00:15:18,674
Excuse me, do you know where

519
00:15:13,466 --> 00:15:18,674
I can find Barney Stinson?

520
00:15:18,800 --> 00:15:21,967
He saw me on the subway and left

521
00:15:18,800 --> 00:15:21,967
me a message to meet him here.

522
00:15:23,173 --> 00:15:24,841
Why not re-record it?

523
00:15:24,967 --> 00:15:26,967
I did like a hundred takes.

524
00:15:24,967 --> 00:15:26,967
It kept happening.

525
00:15:35,008 --> 00:15:35,967
Hi, I know this is crazy,

526
00:15:36,132 --> 00:15:37,340
but I saw you on the subway...

527
00:15:37,466 --> 00:15:41,257
He asked me if I believed

528
00:15:37,466 --> 00:15:41,257
in destiny. And I do.

529
00:15:41,382 --> 00:15:43,883
We are so meant to be.

530
00:15:44,008 --> 00:15:45,549
Where can I find him?

531
00:15:46,883 --> 00:15:48,549
So I was faced

532
00:15:46,883 --> 00:15:48,549
with a moral dilemma.

533
00:15:48,674 --> 00:15:51,215
Unleash this nut bag on them

534
00:15:51,340 --> 00:15:54,883
or be a bigger person,

535
00:15:51,340 --> 00:15:54,883
and help my friend.

536
00:15:55,008 --> 00:15:57,299
Barney's at Café L'Amour,

537
00:15:55,008 --> 00:15:57,299
75th and Amsterdam.

538
00:15:57,424 --> 00:15:59,716
Awesome!

539
00:15:57,424 --> 00:15:59,716
No, wait, wait, wait!

540
00:15:59,841 --> 00:16:01,883
Okay, this isn't right.

541
00:16:02,008 --> 00:16:05,299
Let's pop that top

542
00:16:02,008 --> 00:16:05,299
button, show off your gals.

543
00:16:05,424 --> 00:16:07,424
Ooh! Good luck, go get 'em!

544
00:16:09,299 --> 00:16:12,507
Let your love come

545
00:16:09,299 --> 00:16:12,507
through your fingers.

546
00:16:14,633 --> 00:16:15,883
Dude, the rule is no moaning

547
00:16:16,008 --> 00:16:17,549
and keep your eyes

548
00:16:16,008 --> 00:16:17,549
open at all times.

549
00:16:17,674 --> 00:16:19,841
Stop being weird.

550
00:16:19,967 --> 00:16:21,925
And hey, when do I

551
00:16:19,967 --> 00:16:21,925
get to be the woman?

552
00:16:22,132 --> 00:16:25,841
Now remember, the most

553
00:16:22,132 --> 00:16:25,841
important thing in pregnancy

554
00:16:25,967 --> 00:16:28,132
is to keep Mom calm and happy.

555
00:16:28,257 --> 00:16:30,173
She knows best what she needs.

556
00:16:30,299 --> 00:16:31,173
Trust her.

557
00:16:31,299 --> 00:16:33,967
Now, Papas,

558
00:16:34,132 --> 00:16:36,424
I want you to take

559
00:16:34,132 --> 00:16:36,424
Mom's hands in yours,

560
00:16:36,549 --> 00:16:39,507
look deep into her eyes,

561
00:16:39,633 --> 00:16:41,382
and repeat after me.

562
00:16:41,507 --> 00:16:43,549
I believe in you.

563
00:16:43,674 --> 00:16:45,633
I believe in you.

564
00:16:45,758 --> 00:16:48,340
I honor your body's wisdom.

565
00:16:50,340 --> 00:16:52,215
I honor your body's wisdom.

566
00:16:52,340 --> 00:16:54,883
Your womb is a temple.

567
00:16:55,008 --> 00:16:58,215
Your womb is a...

568
00:16:55,008 --> 00:16:58,215
Okay, I get it!

569
00:16:58,340 --> 00:17:00,841
I feel terrible we didn't

570
00:16:58,340 --> 00:17:00,841
listen to what Lily wanted!

571
00:17:01,132 --> 00:17:02,299
I know, so do I.

572
00:17:02,424 --> 00:17:05,215
The truth is, I thought

573
00:17:02,424 --> 00:17:05,215
I'd be married by now

574
00:17:05,340 --> 00:17:07,800
and going through all this

575
00:17:05,340 --> 00:17:07,800
stuff alongside you guys.

576
00:17:07,925 --> 00:17:10,883
But even if I meet the girl of

577
00:17:07,925 --> 00:17:10,883
my dreams right this second,

578
00:17:11,008 --> 00:17:13,173
I'm still one night

579
00:17:11,008 --> 00:17:13,173
and nine months away

580
00:17:13,299 --> 00:17:14,841
from having a family

581
00:17:13,299 --> 00:17:14,841
of my own.

582
00:17:14,967 --> 00:17:16,716
And that's assuming the

583
00:17:14,967 --> 00:17:16,716
mother of my children

584
00:17:16,841 --> 00:17:18,591
is just a huge slut.

585
00:17:19,633 --> 00:17:20,841
Don't lose hope, Ted.

586
00:17:20,967 --> 00:17:23,633
That slut is out there.

587
00:17:23,758 --> 00:17:25,340
Thanks, buddy.

588
00:17:25,466 --> 00:17:26,758
We owe Lily an apology.

589
00:17:26,883 --> 00:17:27,967
Yeah.

590
00:17:30,466 --> 00:17:33,591
Dads, this is the time that

591
00:17:30,466 --> 00:17:33,591
I'll answer every question

592
00:17:33,716 --> 00:17:35,633
you've ever had about vaginas.

593
00:17:35,758 --> 00:17:37,758
Damn it!

594
00:17:41,967 --> 00:17:43,173
Hey.

595
00:17:43,299 --> 00:17:45,382
I'm so sorry, Lily.

596
00:17:45,507 --> 00:17:48,967
You have just a little bit.

597
00:17:55,007 --> 00:17:58,132
I realize now that it's my job

598
00:17:55,007 --> 00:17:58,132
for the next seven months

599
00:17:58,257 --> 00:18:01,883
to keep you happy,

600
00:17:58,257 --> 00:18:01,883
and that's why...

601
00:18:02,007 --> 00:18:04,591
I'm no longer withholding sex.

602
00:18:04,716 --> 00:18:07,132
My hero.

603
00:18:07,257 --> 00:18:09,674
But I want to make sure

604
00:18:07,257 --> 00:18:09,674
that you feel comfortable

605
00:18:09,800 --> 00:18:10,800
with Dr. Sonya, too.

606
00:18:10,925 --> 00:18:12,132
I do. And you know what,

607
00:18:12,257 --> 00:18:14,132
the fact that she's so calm

608
00:18:12,257 --> 00:18:14,132
and laid back,

609
00:18:14,173 --> 00:18:15,507
maybe that's not a bad thing.

610
00:18:15,633 --> 00:18:16,966
Maybe that's exactly

611
00:18:15,633 --> 00:18:16,966
what we're gonna want

612
00:18:17,132 --> 00:18:18,674
in that delivery room.

613
00:18:18,800 --> 00:18:22,841
Lily, if you don't push, I will

614
00:18:18,800 --> 00:18:22,841
shove this baby up your throat

615
00:18:22,966 --> 00:18:24,633
and pull it out of your mouth!

616
00:18:26,966 --> 00:18:28,758
Where the hell is Marshall?

617
00:18:28,883 --> 00:18:31,007
That's a crazy story, kids.

618
00:18:31,132 --> 00:18:32,424
I'll get to that.

619
00:18:32,549 --> 00:18:35,507
Hey, Ted's out

620
00:18:32,549 --> 00:18:35,507
in the hall.

621
00:18:35,633 --> 00:18:37,633
He wants to apologize, too.

622
00:18:44,132 --> 00:18:45,800
Hey.

623
00:18:45,924 --> 00:18:48,173
What happened to your sock?

624
00:18:48,299 --> 00:18:51,215
Long story. Bottom line,

625
00:18:48,299 --> 00:18:51,215
I realized that sometimes

626
00:18:51,340 --> 00:18:54,173
love means taking a step back.

627
00:18:54,299 --> 00:18:56,716
Well, not always.

628
00:18:56,841 --> 00:18:58,924
I mean, sometimes it's

629
00:18:56,841 --> 00:18:58,924
better to interfere

630
00:18:59,132 --> 00:19:01,215
and sabotage stuff, right?

631
00:19:01,340 --> 00:19:03,591
Well, I think if you

632
00:19:01,340 --> 00:19:03,591
care about somebody,

633
00:19:03,716 --> 00:19:05,132
you should want them

634
00:19:03,716 --> 00:19:05,132
to be happy,

635
00:19:05,257 --> 00:19:07,340
even if you wind up

636
00:19:05,257 --> 00:19:07,340
being left out.

637
00:19:07,466 --> 00:19:09,466
Wow.

638
00:19:09,591 --> 00:19:11,924
The lesson you learned

639
00:19:09,591 --> 00:19:11,924
with Lily and Marshall

640
00:19:12,132 --> 00:19:14,340
is directly applicable

641
00:19:12,132 --> 00:19:14,340
to my situation,

642
00:19:14,466 --> 00:19:15,758
and is therefore

643
00:19:15,883 --> 00:19:18,591
a valid part of how I'll

644
00:19:15,883 --> 00:19:18,591
eventually tell this story.

645
00:19:18,716 --> 00:19:19,591
Really?

646
00:19:19,716 --> 00:19:21,007
That's how that went down?

647
00:19:21,132 --> 00:19:24,800
Point is, it all

648
00:19:21,132 --> 00:19:24,800
tied together, right?

649
00:19:24,924 --> 00:19:26,173
Not really at all.

650
00:19:26,299 --> 00:19:28,132
Can we just get to the assault?

651
00:19:28,966 --> 00:19:30,173
To us!

652
00:19:30,299 --> 00:19:31,507
Barney, it's me!

653
00:19:31,633 --> 00:19:33,633
I love you, Barney!

654
00:19:34,633 --> 00:19:35,882
Mmm, scallops look good.

655
00:19:36,007 --> 00:19:37,340
Oh, they are.

656
00:19:37,466 --> 00:19:39,716
But the last time I was here

657
00:19:37,466 --> 00:19:39,716
they ran out, so, uh...

658
00:19:39,841 --> 00:19:42,716
knock... on... wood.

659
00:19:43,966 --> 00:19:47,173
Well, I have my eye on the

660
00:19:43,966 --> 00:19:47,173
red velvet cake for dessert.

661
00:19:47,299 --> 00:19:49,340
Lovely. Splitsies?

662
00:19:49,466 --> 00:19:51,841
Nah, I want it

663
00:19:49,466 --> 00:19:51,841
all to myself.

664
00:19:51,966 --> 00:19:53,132
Really?

665
00:19:53,173 --> 00:19:54,173
Arm wrestle for it?

666
00:19:54,299 --> 00:19:55,173
No!

667
00:19:56,299 --> 00:19:57,841
All right.

668
00:19:57,966 --> 00:19:59,007
I love this place.

669
00:19:59,132 --> 00:20:00,549
Thank you, babe.

670
00:19:59,132 --> 00:20:00,549
You're welcome.

671
00:20:00,674 --> 00:20:02,215
Babe.

672
00:20:02,340 --> 00:20:04,882
Barney doesn't know a thing

673
00:20:02,340 --> 00:20:04,882
about any of this.

674
00:20:05,007 --> 00:20:08,674
But that's why I got

675
00:20:05,007 --> 00:20:08,674
court-mandated therapy.

676
00:20:10,340 --> 00:20:11,716
You must think I'm nuts.

677
00:20:11,840 --> 00:20:14,840
I think you're

678
00:20:11,840 --> 00:20:14,840
a really good friend.

679
00:20:14,966 --> 00:20:16,466
Really?

680
00:20:16,591 --> 00:20:17,924
Really.

681
00:20:18,048 --> 00:20:20,007
As far as I'm concerned,

682
00:20:18,048 --> 00:20:20,007
there was no criminal intent

683
00:20:20,132 --> 00:20:21,424
to this assault.

684
00:20:21,549 --> 00:20:23,466
Well, thanks, Doc!

685
00:20:24,840 --> 00:20:26,882
Well, look at us!

686
00:20:27,007 --> 00:20:28,716
We got this wrapped up

687
00:20:27,007 --> 00:20:28,716
in one session.

688
00:20:28,840 --> 00:20:30,840
Go us, right?

689
00:20:30,966 --> 00:20:32,674
Now let's discuss how you

690
00:20:30,966 --> 00:20:32,674
keyed the judge's car.

691
00:20:32,800 --> 00:20:34,549
Okay. Um...

692
00:20:34,674 --> 00:20:36,007
Here's how it happened:

693
00:20:36,132 --> 00:20:37,840
Marshall and Lily were supposed

694
00:20:36,132 --> 00:20:37,840
to go to the zoo...

695
00:20:37,966 --> 00:20:40,674
okay, it all ties together,

696
00:20:37,966 --> 00:20:40,674
I swear. Now...