1 00:00:02,782 --> 00:00:04,448 For years, your Uncle Barney 2 00:00:02,782 --> 00:00:04,448 had reveled in mocking 3 00:00:04,574 --> 00:00:05,699 Aunt Robin's Canadian heritage. 4 00:00:05,824 --> 00:00:07,989 To have to grow up 5 00:00:05,824 --> 00:00:07,989 in Canada... 6 00:00:08,114 --> 00:00:10,031 with America right there. 7 00:00:10,156 --> 00:00:12,490 It's like an entire country 8 00:00:10,156 --> 00:00:12,490 without a tailor. 9 00:00:12,615 --> 00:00:16,407 Why? Why do we let 10 00:00:12,615 --> 00:00:16,407 you be a country? 11 00:00:16,532 --> 00:00:18,741 But all that was about 12 00:00:16,532 --> 00:00:18,741 to change. 13 00:00:18,866 --> 00:00:21,908 Guys, I have a very important 14 00:00:18,866 --> 00:00:21,908 announcement to make. 15 00:00:22,073 --> 00:00:23,448 I was on Facebook. 16 00:00:23,574 --> 00:00:25,824 Nobody cool's 17 00:00:23,574 --> 00:00:25,824 on Facebook anymore. 18 00:00:25,949 --> 00:00:27,657 Well, you know who is 19 00:00:25,949 --> 00:00:27,657 on Facebook now? 20 00:00:27,782 --> 00:00:29,281 Everybody's parents. 21 00:00:29,407 --> 00:00:31,699 And I just happen 22 00:00:29,407 --> 00:00:31,699 to be friends 23 00:00:31,824 --> 00:00:33,908 with Barney's long-lost father, 24 00:00:34,031 --> 00:00:35,448 Mr. Jerome Whitaker. 25 00:00:34,031 --> 00:00:35,448 Me, too. 26 00:00:35,574 --> 00:00:37,073 He's gotten really good 27 00:00:35,574 --> 00:00:37,073 at Bejeweled Blitz. 28 00:00:37,198 --> 00:00:41,156 And guess who thought my status 29 00:00:37,198 --> 00:00:41,156 update about Manitoba was 30 00:00:41,281 --> 00:00:46,323 so interesting because his 31 00:00:41,281 --> 00:00:46,323 mother was born in Manitoba? 32 00:00:46,448 --> 00:00:47,615 What? 33 00:00:47,741 --> 00:00:49,908 Which means your grandmother... 34 00:00:50,031 --> 00:00:50,824 No... 35 00:00:50,948 --> 00:00:51,948 Which makes you... 36 00:00:52,073 --> 00:00:53,114 Don't say it! 37 00:00:53,240 --> 00:00:54,240 one-quarter Canadian! 38 00:00:56,908 --> 00:00:58,824 Welcome to the tribe, hoser! 39 00:00:58,948 --> 00:01:01,073 No... 40 00:01:01,114 --> 00:01:03,073 it's not true! 41 00:01:03,156 --> 00:01:04,908 That's impossible! 42 00:01:22,240 --> 00:01:25,073 Once upon a time 43 00:01:22,240 --> 00:01:25,073 at a Halloween party, 44 00:01:25,156 --> 00:01:27,323 I met a girl 45 00:01:25,156 --> 00:01:27,323 dressed like a pumpkin... 46 00:01:27,448 --> 00:01:28,323 a slutty pumpkin. 47 00:01:28,448 --> 00:01:30,657 And she was extraordinary. 48 00:01:30,782 --> 00:01:33,281 But she gave me her number 49 00:01:30,782 --> 00:01:33,281 on a Kit Kat bar, 50 00:01:33,407 --> 00:01:35,657 which was tragically given away 51 00:01:33,407 --> 00:01:35,657 as Halloween candy. 52 00:01:35,782 --> 00:01:37,574 So every year I return 53 00:01:35,782 --> 00:01:37,574 to that same party 54 00:01:37,699 --> 00:01:39,323 hoping I'd see her again. 55 00:01:39,448 --> 00:01:43,323 But with every passing October, 56 00:01:39,448 --> 00:01:43,323 that hope grew a little dimmer. 57 00:01:43,448 --> 00:01:46,281 Then one day, after ten years 58 00:01:43,448 --> 00:01:46,281 of searching... 59 00:01:46,407 --> 00:01:48,323 Oh, my God. 60 00:01:48,448 --> 00:01:50,574 The slutty pumpkin. 61 00:01:50,699 --> 00:01:53,448 This might sound creepy, 62 00:01:50,699 --> 00:01:53,448 but do you have a record 63 00:01:53,574 --> 00:01:55,073 of who rented it in 2001? 64 00:01:58,323 --> 00:01:59,574 Wow, that was easy. 65 00:01:59,699 --> 00:02:01,490 You're not the first lovelorn 66 00:01:59,699 --> 00:02:01,490 young man 67 00:02:01,615 --> 00:02:02,490 to walk through that door. 68 00:02:02,615 --> 00:02:04,824 Three girls got proposals off 69 00:02:04,948 --> 00:02:07,782 my wife's slutty artichoke 70 00:02:04,948 --> 00:02:07,782 costume. 71 00:02:07,907 --> 00:02:11,156 Two others disappeared, 72 00:02:07,907 --> 00:02:11,156 but I focus on the positive. 73 00:02:11,281 --> 00:02:13,907 I couldn't believe it. 74 00:02:11,281 --> 00:02:13,907 I actually had her address. 75 00:02:14,073 --> 00:02:16,073 I knew I had 76 00:02:14,073 --> 00:02:16,073 to play this right. 77 00:02:16,198 --> 00:02:19,615 It's not like I could just walk 78 00:02:16,198 --> 00:02:19,615 up and knock on her door. 79 00:02:23,574 --> 00:02:26,699 Hi, you probably 80 00:02:23,574 --> 00:02:26,699 don't remember me, but... 81 00:02:26,824 --> 00:02:29,114 Halloween, ten years ago. 82 00:02:30,073 --> 00:02:32,574 Now that's a slow play. 83 00:02:32,699 --> 00:02:36,448 The next day, 84 00:02:32,699 --> 00:02:36,448 Lily and Marshall headed out 85 00:02:36,574 --> 00:02:38,073 to Lily's grandparents 86 00:02:36,574 --> 00:02:38,073 for dinner. 87 00:02:38,198 --> 00:02:39,907 Marshall loved it 88 00:02:38,198 --> 00:02:39,907 out in the 'burbs. 89 00:02:40,073 --> 00:02:41,615 Look how many fireflies 90 00:02:40,073 --> 00:02:41,615 I caught! 91 00:02:41,741 --> 00:02:44,615 Don't forget to poke holes 92 00:02:41,741 --> 00:02:44,615 in the jar this time. 93 00:02:45,657 --> 00:02:48,448 Now we have 94 00:02:45,657 --> 00:02:48,448 a nice surprise for you. 95 00:02:49,782 --> 00:02:52,073 Whatever it is, 96 00:02:49,782 --> 00:02:52,073 we're saying no. 97 00:02:52,114 --> 00:02:54,073 What? 98 00:02:52,114 --> 00:02:54,073 You know what. 99 00:02:54,156 --> 00:02:55,532 Every time we're here, 100 00:02:55,657 --> 00:02:57,574 my grandparents stick us with 101 00:02:55,657 --> 00:02:57,574 some big old piece of junk 102 00:02:57,699 --> 00:02:59,073 they're getting rid of. 103 00:02:59,156 --> 00:03:01,948 It's like the world's worst 104 00:02:59,156 --> 00:03:01,948 Showcase Showdown. 105 00:03:02,073 --> 00:03:05,574 It's a perfectly 106 00:03:02,073 --> 00:03:05,574 usable lawnmower! 107 00:03:07,114 --> 00:03:08,574 We live in an apartment! 108 00:03:08,699 --> 00:03:09,823 But maybe someday 109 00:03:09,948 --> 00:03:11,323 when we move to the suburbs... 110 00:03:11,448 --> 00:03:13,114 We're never moving 111 00:03:11,448 --> 00:03:13,114 to the suburbs! 112 00:03:13,240 --> 00:03:14,156 And you also get... 113 00:03:14,281 --> 00:03:16,657 this skinny microphone! 114 00:03:16,782 --> 00:03:18,490 Oh! 115 00:03:18,615 --> 00:03:21,907 Before we head out 116 00:03:18,615 --> 00:03:21,907 to our place in Florida, 117 00:03:22,073 --> 00:03:24,407 we wanted to give 118 00:03:22,073 --> 00:03:24,407 our favorite granddaughter 119 00:03:24,532 --> 00:03:26,114 a little something. 120 00:03:26,240 --> 00:03:30,532 Ooh, it's so small. 121 00:03:26,240 --> 00:03:30,532 I love it! 122 00:03:30,657 --> 00:03:33,073 A key? 123 00:03:30,657 --> 00:03:33,073 We're giving you 124 00:03:30,657 --> 00:03:33,073 the house. 125 00:03:33,156 --> 00:03:36,699 Lily, I know you've 126 00:03:33,156 --> 00:03:36,699 always hated the suburbs... 127 00:03:36,823 --> 00:03:39,574 We'll take it! 128 00:03:39,699 --> 00:03:42,198 For my first date 129 00:03:39,699 --> 00:03:42,198 with the slutty pumpkin, 130 00:03:42,323 --> 00:03:43,741 I took her someplace special. 131 00:03:43,865 --> 00:03:45,407 Ted, this is so romantic. 132 00:03:45,532 --> 00:03:47,323 The spot where 133 00:03:45,532 --> 00:03:47,323 we first met 134 00:03:47,448 --> 00:03:49,114 ten years ago. 135 00:03:49,240 --> 00:03:51,240 Do you remember the song 136 00:03:49,240 --> 00:03:51,240 that was playing that night? 137 00:03:51,365 --> 00:03:54,073 I remember how beautiful 138 00:03:51,365 --> 00:03:54,073 you looked. 139 00:03:59,741 --> 00:04:01,699 Is that, uh, 140 00:03:59,741 --> 00:04:01,699 the Barenaked Ladies, huh? 141 00:04:05,657 --> 00:04:09,657 Kids, it took me ten years, 142 00:04:05,657 --> 00:04:09,657 but I finally kissed her. 143 00:04:09,781 --> 00:04:13,073 And it was... terrible. 144 00:04:20,865 --> 00:04:22,073 Lily, you hate the suburbs. 145 00:04:22,156 --> 00:04:24,490 I know, but my grandparents 146 00:04:22,156 --> 00:04:24,490 giving us a house 147 00:04:24,615 --> 00:04:26,073 right when 148 00:04:24,615 --> 00:04:26,073 the baby's on the way? 149 00:04:26,114 --> 00:04:27,198 It's perfect timing. 150 00:04:27,323 --> 00:04:29,198 This is great. 151 00:04:27,323 --> 00:04:29,198 I'm finally gonna be able 152 00:04:29,323 --> 00:04:31,407 to barbecue with 153 00:04:29,323 --> 00:04:31,407 proper ventilation. 154 00:04:32,948 --> 00:04:34,281 Marshall! 155 00:04:35,448 --> 00:04:36,865 We're moving 156 00:04:35,448 --> 00:04:36,865 to the suburbs, baby! 157 00:04:37,073 --> 00:04:38,865 Oh... 158 00:04:39,073 --> 00:04:41,365 Okay. 159 00:04:41,490 --> 00:04:43,198 Baby, you're not moving 160 00:04:41,490 --> 00:04:43,198 to the suburbs. 161 00:04:43,323 --> 00:04:44,198 Why not? 162 00:04:44,323 --> 00:04:45,657 Lily is only agreeing 163 00:04:45,781 --> 00:04:47,407 to all this because 164 00:04:45,781 --> 00:04:47,407 of Pregnancy Brain. 165 00:04:47,532 --> 00:04:49,407 Pregnancy Brain? 166 00:04:47,532 --> 00:04:49,407 That's not a thing. 167 00:04:49,532 --> 00:04:50,865 It's totally a thing. 168 00:04:51,073 --> 00:04:55,365 Her brain is marinating in 169 00:04:51,073 --> 00:04:55,365 a cocktail of hormones, 170 00:04:55,490 --> 00:04:57,948 mood swings and jacked-up 171 00:04:55,490 --> 00:04:57,948 nesting instincts. 172 00:04:58,073 --> 00:05:01,281 I mean, yes, right now 173 00:04:58,073 --> 00:05:01,281 Lily is a goddess 174 00:05:01,407 --> 00:05:02,948 bestowing the 175 00:05:01,407 --> 00:05:02,948 miracle of life, 176 00:05:03,073 --> 00:05:05,448 but damn, she dumb! 177 00:05:05,574 --> 00:05:08,865 Well, I have noticed some stuff. 178 00:05:09,073 --> 00:05:11,615 I can't find my keys 179 00:05:09,073 --> 00:05:11,615 or wallet anywhere! 180 00:05:11,740 --> 00:05:13,698 I found them... 181 00:05:13,823 --> 00:05:16,240 here in the freezer. 182 00:05:16,365 --> 00:05:18,114 Hey, but where are 183 00:05:16,365 --> 00:05:18,114 the ice cube trays? 184 00:05:18,240 --> 00:05:20,198 No idea. 185 00:05:21,907 --> 00:05:25,740 Those poor ice cubes! 186 00:05:25,865 --> 00:05:28,740 I guess she has been 187 00:05:25,865 --> 00:05:28,740 a little off lately. 188 00:05:28,865 --> 00:05:30,615 A little? She just texted me 189 00:05:30,740 --> 00:05:33,407 wanting directions back 190 00:05:30,740 --> 00:05:33,407 from the bathroom. 191 00:05:33,532 --> 00:05:36,865 Oh. We're over here! 192 00:05:38,156 --> 00:05:39,823 You're doing great, sweetie! 193 00:05:39,948 --> 00:05:42,907 That moron should not be making 194 00:05:39,948 --> 00:05:42,907 big life decisions right now. 195 00:05:43,073 --> 00:05:44,532 If you let her move 196 00:05:43,073 --> 00:05:44,532 to the suburbs, 197 00:05:44,656 --> 00:05:46,574 it would be like taking 198 00:05:44,656 --> 00:05:46,574 advantage 199 00:05:46,698 --> 00:05:48,114 of a helpless drunk chick. 200 00:05:48,240 --> 00:05:50,323 What? Where? 201 00:05:50,448 --> 00:05:52,907 Oh, I got a girlfriend, right. 202 00:05:55,448 --> 00:05:57,073 Baby, we should put 203 00:05:55,448 --> 00:05:57,073 off moving. 204 00:05:57,198 --> 00:05:58,114 Why? 205 00:05:58,240 --> 00:05:59,781 Because I think 206 00:05:58,240 --> 00:05:59,781 the pregnancy is 207 00:05:59,907 --> 00:06:01,198 affecting your judgment. 208 00:06:01,323 --> 00:06:05,448 No, Marshall, this is 209 00:06:01,323 --> 00:06:05,448 an amazing opportunity 210 00:06:05,574 --> 00:06:07,781 that we have 211 00:06:05,574 --> 00:06:07,781 to take advantage of! 212 00:06:07,907 --> 00:06:10,323 Just because my body 213 00:06:07,907 --> 00:06:10,323 is growing a fungus... 214 00:06:10,448 --> 00:06:11,907 Fetus. 215 00:06:12,073 --> 00:06:13,114 doesn't mean that my metal 216 00:06:12,073 --> 00:06:13,114 factories... 217 00:06:13,240 --> 00:06:14,823 Mental faculties. 218 00:06:14,948 --> 00:06:16,865 are in any way funicular. 219 00:06:18,698 --> 00:06:20,073 No idea. 220 00:06:21,073 --> 00:06:24,698 Mmm... 221 00:06:24,823 --> 00:06:26,073 This is nice. 222 00:06:24,823 --> 00:06:26,073 What is this? 223 00:06:26,198 --> 00:06:27,198 Canadian whiskey. 224 00:06:29,073 --> 00:06:31,823 I want scotch! 225 00:06:31,948 --> 00:06:36,240 American scotch 226 00:06:31,948 --> 00:06:36,240 from Scotland! 227 00:06:36,365 --> 00:06:38,574 Get that swill 228 00:06:36,365 --> 00:06:38,574 away from me! 229 00:06:41,948 --> 00:06:43,865 Why are you doing 230 00:06:41,948 --> 00:06:43,865 this to me? 231 00:06:44,073 --> 00:06:45,740 You have been ripping 232 00:06:44,073 --> 00:06:45,740 on Canada 233 00:06:45,865 --> 00:06:48,281 since Justin Bieber was 234 00:06:45,865 --> 00:06:48,281 knee-high to a snow blower. 235 00:06:48,407 --> 00:06:51,281 So now this Canuck's 236 00:06:48,407 --> 00:06:51,281 gonna beat on you 237 00:06:51,407 --> 00:06:54,198 like the drummer from Yukon 238 00:06:51,407 --> 00:06:54,198 Blonde hopped up on Timbits. 239 00:06:54,323 --> 00:06:56,365 Hey. 240 00:06:54,323 --> 00:06:56,365 Hey! 241 00:06:56,490 --> 00:06:57,365 How was your 242 00:06:57,490 --> 00:06:59,073 big date with 243 00:06:57,490 --> 00:06:59,073 the Snuffy Tuffkin? 244 00:06:59,198 --> 00:07:00,407 The Sniffy Napkin? 245 00:07:00,532 --> 00:07:04,073 The Slouchy Foreskin? 246 00:07:04,114 --> 00:07:05,281 Lily tie-tie. 247 00:07:05,407 --> 00:07:08,823 It was good... ish. 248 00:07:09,907 --> 00:07:12,448 Look, there's Orion's Belt. 249 00:07:12,573 --> 00:07:13,823 Oh. 250 00:07:13,948 --> 00:07:16,073 Why does holding hands feel 251 00:07:13,948 --> 00:07:16,073 this weird? 252 00:07:16,114 --> 00:07:18,156 Should our fingers 253 00:07:16,114 --> 00:07:18,156 not intertwine? 254 00:07:18,281 --> 00:07:21,281 What's causing that 255 00:07:18,281 --> 00:07:21,281 pinching feeling? 256 00:07:21,407 --> 00:07:23,532 I'll just cup her hand. 257 00:07:23,656 --> 00:07:25,865 There. That's... 258 00:07:26,073 --> 00:07:27,781 not great. 259 00:07:31,614 --> 00:07:34,781 Her hair's up my nose. 260 00:07:34,907 --> 00:07:38,198 Her shoulder's jabbing 261 00:07:34,907 --> 00:07:38,198 into my windpipe. 262 00:07:38,323 --> 00:07:39,865 Maybe if we reposition. 263 00:07:45,198 --> 00:07:46,448 I have to say something. 264 00:07:46,573 --> 00:07:48,073 She must be feeling it, too. 265 00:07:48,114 --> 00:07:49,823 This feels so right. 266 00:07:49,948 --> 00:07:52,614 We fit like two puzzle pieces. 267 00:07:52,740 --> 00:07:54,073 Yeah. 268 00:07:54,114 --> 00:07:57,198 Ted, I know you've waited 269 00:07:54,114 --> 00:07:57,198 ten years for this girl, 270 00:07:57,323 --> 00:07:59,365 but some things 271 00:07:57,323 --> 00:07:59,365 just aren't meant to be. 272 00:07:59,490 --> 00:08:01,656 Not so fast. 273 00:07:59,490 --> 00:08:01,656 At the end of the night, 274 00:08:01,781 --> 00:08:04,365 when I leaned in and somehow 275 00:08:01,781 --> 00:08:04,365 accidentally kissed 276 00:08:04,490 --> 00:08:07,281 her open eyeball, there was a 277 00:08:04,490 --> 00:08:07,281 slight flicker of something 278 00:08:07,407 --> 00:08:10,407 I might even call chemistry... 279 00:08:10,531 --> 00:08:11,823 adjacent. 280 00:08:12,865 --> 00:08:14,073 Thank you. 281 00:08:14,156 --> 00:08:15,490 Wait. 282 00:08:17,073 --> 00:08:18,614 Where is my cash? 283 00:08:18,740 --> 00:08:20,240 Oh, yeah, 284 00:08:20,365 --> 00:08:23,073 I did a little exchange 285 00:08:20,365 --> 00:08:23,073 for ya, Canucklehead. 286 00:08:23,114 --> 00:08:26,407 This Canadian dollar here 287 00:08:23,114 --> 00:08:26,407 is called a "loonie." 288 00:08:26,531 --> 00:08:30,781 And this two-dollar coin? 289 00:08:26,531 --> 00:08:30,781 A "toonie." True story. 290 00:08:30,907 --> 00:08:34,073 It's federal currency 291 00:08:30,907 --> 00:08:34,073 and you people talk about it 292 00:08:34,114 --> 00:08:35,907 like it's a Hannah- 293 00:08:34,114 --> 00:08:35,907 Barbera character. 294 00:08:36,073 --> 00:08:38,865 Not you people, Barney. 295 00:08:39,073 --> 00:08:40,531 Our people. 296 00:08:40,656 --> 00:08:42,865 Even though my first date 297 00:08:40,656 --> 00:08:42,865 with Naomi was 298 00:08:43,073 --> 00:08:44,073 a little awkward, 299 00:08:44,198 --> 00:08:46,073 our second date was 300 00:08:44,198 --> 00:08:46,073 a lot awkward. 301 00:08:46,156 --> 00:08:47,614 Mmm...! 302 00:08:47,740 --> 00:08:50,489 This is the worst 303 00:08:47,740 --> 00:08:50,489 kissing of all time! 304 00:08:50,614 --> 00:08:51,698 Mmm... 305 00:08:51,823 --> 00:08:53,323 How could she possibly 306 00:08:51,823 --> 00:08:53,323 be into this? 307 00:08:54,489 --> 00:08:55,823 She sounds like 308 00:08:54,489 --> 00:08:55,823 those cows in 309 00:08:55,948 --> 00:08:57,156 Temple Grandin's 310 00:08:55,948 --> 00:08:57,156 hug machines. 311 00:08:57,281 --> 00:08:59,323 Do you want to listen 312 00:08:57,281 --> 00:08:59,323 to some music? 313 00:08:59,448 --> 00:09:00,114 Uh-huh! 314 00:09:06,948 --> 00:09:08,365 Ted, this is our song. 315 00:09:08,489 --> 00:09:10,447 Let's make love to this song. 316 00:09:16,073 --> 00:09:17,614 Yeah, I just gotta run 317 00:09:16,073 --> 00:09:17,614 to the bathroom. 318 00:09:23,156 --> 00:09:24,073 Hey, doofus! 319 00:09:24,156 --> 00:09:26,073 It's me: 320 00:09:24,156 --> 00:09:26,073 you at age 15. 321 00:09:26,156 --> 00:09:27,614 And we made a deal 322 00:09:27,740 --> 00:09:30,656 we would always boink any chick 323 00:09:27,740 --> 00:09:30,656 that wants to boink us! 324 00:09:30,781 --> 00:09:31,948 Yes, she's beautiful, 325 00:09:32,073 --> 00:09:34,156 it's just there's 326 00:09:32,073 --> 00:09:34,156 no connection there. 327 00:09:34,281 --> 00:09:35,865 I don't feel intimate with her. 328 00:09:36,073 --> 00:09:37,698 "Intimate"? Let me remind you 329 00:09:36,073 --> 00:09:37,698 of some things 330 00:09:37,823 --> 00:09:39,907 you did feel "intimate" with 331 00:09:37,823 --> 00:09:39,907 when you were 15: 332 00:09:40,073 --> 00:09:41,073 a catcher's mitt, 333 00:09:41,156 --> 00:09:43,698 an oven mitt, 334 00:09:41,156 --> 00:09:43,698 a glass of warm water, 335 00:09:43,823 --> 00:09:47,240 a half-open hide-a-bed sofa, 336 00:09:43,823 --> 00:09:47,240 a top-loading VCR! 337 00:09:47,365 --> 00:09:48,489 It's not gonna happen! 338 00:09:48,614 --> 00:09:51,156 Come on! 339 00:09:51,281 --> 00:09:54,240 It'll take, like, 30 seconds! 340 00:09:55,907 --> 00:09:57,114 Naomi, listen... 341 00:09:57,240 --> 00:10:00,073 Shh... 342 00:10:03,281 --> 00:10:04,323 You like that, Ted? 343 00:10:04,447 --> 00:10:05,489 Hmm. 344 00:10:05,614 --> 00:10:09,031 Do you like it 345 00:10:05,614 --> 00:10:09,031 when I caress your hair? 346 00:10:09,156 --> 00:10:12,531 Your hair is 347 00:10:09,156 --> 00:10:12,531 so nice to caress. 348 00:10:12,656 --> 00:10:14,531 Why is she saying that word? 349 00:10:14,656 --> 00:10:17,240 I like to caress your hair. 350 00:10:17,365 --> 00:10:20,865 There it is again! "Caress!" 351 00:10:17,365 --> 00:10:20,865 Who says that? 352 00:10:20,989 --> 00:10:23,823 Caress. 353 00:10:25,573 --> 00:10:27,447 The thing is, 354 00:10:25,573 --> 00:10:27,447 I like her, okay? 355 00:10:27,573 --> 00:10:29,614 I really, really like her. 356 00:10:29,740 --> 00:10:32,698 I just don't seem to like 357 00:10:29,740 --> 00:10:32,698 anything she says or does. 358 00:10:33,740 --> 00:10:35,573 I have to break up 359 00:10:33,740 --> 00:10:35,573 with her, don't I? 360 00:10:35,698 --> 00:10:36,573 Yes! 361 00:10:35,698 --> 00:10:36,573 Yes! 362 00:10:35,698 --> 00:10:36,573 Yes! 363 00:10:36,698 --> 00:10:38,531 After you sleep with her, yes! 364 00:10:39,781 --> 00:10:41,364 Marshall, I've been thinking 365 00:10:39,781 --> 00:10:41,364 about what you said. 366 00:10:41,489 --> 00:10:44,198 You're right, we shouldn't 367 00:10:41,489 --> 00:10:44,198 move to the suburbs. 368 00:10:44,323 --> 00:10:47,240 Let's not make any huge life 369 00:10:44,323 --> 00:10:47,240 decisions right now. 370 00:10:47,364 --> 00:10:49,114 Is this because you tried 371 00:10:47,364 --> 00:10:49,114 to make waffles 372 00:10:49,240 --> 00:10:50,364 with the laptop this morning? 373 00:10:50,489 --> 00:10:53,865 Anyway, I'm gonna call 374 00:10:50,489 --> 00:10:53,865 a real estate broker 375 00:10:53,989 --> 00:10:55,573 to come look at the 376 00:10:53,989 --> 00:10:55,573 house tomorrow. 377 00:10:55,698 --> 00:10:57,240 Oh, by the way, 378 00:10:57,364 --> 00:10:59,406 I ordered those Minnesota 379 00:10:57,364 --> 00:10:59,406 Vikings drapes. 380 00:10:59,531 --> 00:11:02,489 You're right, they're totally 381 00:10:59,531 --> 00:11:02,489 gonna class up our apartment. 382 00:11:05,573 --> 00:11:08,322 Okay, yes. It's wrong 383 00:11:05,573 --> 00:11:08,322 to bang a drunk chick. 384 00:11:08,447 --> 00:11:11,281 But you're an idiot if you don't 385 00:11:08,447 --> 00:11:11,281 get, like, a little something. 386 00:11:14,073 --> 00:11:14,907 Yo, Canada. 387 00:11:15,073 --> 00:11:17,073 What? Dammit! 388 00:11:17,198 --> 00:11:18,823 Ha, you answer to "Canada" now. 389 00:11:20,823 --> 00:11:22,073 I'll make you a deal. 390 00:11:22,114 --> 00:11:23,406 You wear this costume 391 00:11:23,531 --> 00:11:25,240 to the Halloween party 392 00:11:23,531 --> 00:11:25,240 tomorrow night, 393 00:11:25,364 --> 00:11:27,364 I'll drop it forever. 394 00:11:30,489 --> 00:11:32,406 You can't be serious. 395 00:11:32,531 --> 00:11:35,364 Oh, I am as serious 396 00:11:32,531 --> 00:11:35,364 as a poutine shortage 397 00:11:35,489 --> 00:11:37,907 in Chicoutimi during 398 00:11:35,489 --> 00:11:37,907 a curling bonspiel. 399 00:11:38,073 --> 00:11:41,573 I don't know what 400 00:11:38,073 --> 00:11:41,573 any of those words mean. 401 00:11:41,698 --> 00:11:43,698 Yes. You do. 402 00:11:48,740 --> 00:11:50,740 Oh, that must be the broker. 403 00:11:48,740 --> 00:11:50,740 Marshall, will you get it? 404 00:11:50,865 --> 00:11:52,948 Sure. Of course. 405 00:11:53,073 --> 00:11:55,865 Trick or treat! 406 00:11:56,073 --> 00:11:58,240 Oh, my gosh. How cute! 407 00:11:58,364 --> 00:12:00,073 I'm sorry, we don't 408 00:11:58,364 --> 00:12:00,073 have any candy. 409 00:12:00,198 --> 00:12:01,865 Um, we forgot about 410 00:12:00,198 --> 00:12:01,865 trick-or-treaters. 411 00:12:02,073 --> 00:12:03,073 We don't get any where we live. 412 00:12:03,156 --> 00:12:05,907 Yup. Only get this 413 00:12:03,156 --> 00:12:05,907 kind of cuteness 414 00:12:06,073 --> 00:12:07,240 in the suburbs. 415 00:12:09,240 --> 00:12:14,114 Oh. Look at how sweet and 416 00:12:09,240 --> 00:12:14,114 happy and unarmed they all are! 417 00:12:14,240 --> 00:12:17,322 Are you using adorable 418 00:12:14,240 --> 00:12:17,322 little children in costumes 419 00:12:17,447 --> 00:12:18,656 to manipulate me? 420 00:12:17,447 --> 00:12:18,656 Bye! 421 00:12:18,781 --> 00:12:20,614 I mean, did you even call 422 00:12:18,781 --> 00:12:20,614 a real estate broker? 423 00:12:20,740 --> 00:12:22,531 No. 424 00:12:22,656 --> 00:12:24,656 I've got Pregnancy Brain 425 00:12:22,656 --> 00:12:24,656 like a fiddle 426 00:12:24,781 --> 00:12:28,073 and I've been playing 427 00:12:24,781 --> 00:12:28,073 you like a fox. 428 00:12:43,447 --> 00:12:46,280 I knew it would be tough 429 00:12:43,447 --> 00:12:46,280 to break up with Naomi. 430 00:12:46,406 --> 00:12:48,781 But when it's just not there, 431 00:12:46,406 --> 00:12:48,781 you can't force it. 432 00:12:52,656 --> 00:12:54,239 Happy Halloween. 433 00:12:54,364 --> 00:12:57,740 And just like that, I was 434 00:12:54,364 --> 00:12:57,740 taken back ten years... 435 00:12:57,865 --> 00:13:00,865 to the hopeful kid in 436 00:12:57,865 --> 00:13:00,865 the hanging chad costume, 437 00:13:01,073 --> 00:13:03,656 falling head over heels 438 00:13:01,073 --> 00:13:03,656 for the Slutty Pumpkin. 439 00:13:03,781 --> 00:13:06,447 I made you something. 440 00:13:09,489 --> 00:13:12,073 Oh. 441 00:13:09,489 --> 00:13:12,073 Your costume from 442 00:13:09,489 --> 00:13:12,073 that first night. 443 00:13:12,198 --> 00:13:14,781 Although you do realize 444 00:13:12,198 --> 00:13:14,781 that even ten years ago, 445 00:13:14,907 --> 00:13:17,531 the hanging chad reference 446 00:13:14,907 --> 00:13:17,531 was like almost a year old. 447 00:13:17,656 --> 00:13:19,948 Wow... 448 00:13:20,073 --> 00:13:21,907 I can't believe you made this. 449 00:13:22,073 --> 00:13:24,364 I can't believe you found me. 450 00:13:24,489 --> 00:13:27,489 Stay strong, Teddy. 451 00:13:24,489 --> 00:13:27,489 We can do this. 452 00:13:27,614 --> 00:13:29,489 I... 453 00:13:29,614 --> 00:13:31,656 "Have to break up with you," 454 00:13:29,614 --> 00:13:31,656 just say it. 455 00:13:32,823 --> 00:13:34,073 Love... 456 00:13:32,823 --> 00:13:34,073 Wait, what? 457 00:13:34,156 --> 00:13:35,531 No, no, no, no, no, no, no! 458 00:13:35,656 --> 00:13:37,489 Say sunsets! 459 00:13:35,656 --> 00:13:37,489 Pancakes! Anything! 460 00:13:37,614 --> 00:13:38,656 Just don't say... 461 00:13:38,781 --> 00:13:40,073 You. 462 00:13:40,156 --> 00:13:43,073 No! 463 00:13:47,865 --> 00:13:49,073 Barney? Where are you? 464 00:13:49,156 --> 00:13:50,865 You're moving slower 465 00:13:49,156 --> 00:13:50,865 than John Diefenbaker 466 00:13:51,073 --> 00:13:53,489 climbing Mount Hungabee 467 00:13:51,073 --> 00:13:53,489 on Boxing Day. 468 00:13:53,614 --> 00:13:55,823 Those are all real references 469 00:13:53,614 --> 00:13:55,823 to our shared homeland. 470 00:13:55,948 --> 00:13:57,364 I'll be right there. 471 00:13:57,489 --> 00:14:01,614 Can't wait to see you in your 472 00:13:57,489 --> 00:14:01,614 costume, Dudley Do-Right. 473 00:14:31,239 --> 00:14:33,322 If we move here, you're just 474 00:14:31,239 --> 00:14:33,322 going to have that baby, 475 00:14:33,447 --> 00:14:35,155 and then you're going to hate me 476 00:14:35,280 --> 00:14:37,489 for letting you do this. 477 00:14:35,280 --> 00:14:37,489 I'm going to love it here. 478 00:14:37,614 --> 00:14:41,073 Oh, we'd have so much 479 00:14:37,614 --> 00:14:41,073 room in the suburbs. 480 00:14:41,197 --> 00:14:45,322 You can get that pinball 481 00:14:41,197 --> 00:14:45,322 machine you've always wanted. 482 00:14:45,447 --> 00:14:48,322 You can put it 483 00:14:45,447 --> 00:14:48,322 anywhere you want. 484 00:14:48,447 --> 00:14:51,073 Stop it. You don't 485 00:14:48,447 --> 00:14:51,073 know what you're saying. 486 00:14:51,113 --> 00:14:52,489 Anywhere. 487 00:14:52,614 --> 00:14:56,073 Upstairs, downstairs... 488 00:14:56,113 --> 00:14:58,239 you can stick it in the back. 489 00:14:59,614 --> 00:15:02,823 Lily, I want to be 490 00:14:59,614 --> 00:15:02,823 inside this house so bad. 491 00:15:02,948 --> 00:15:05,781 USA! USA! 492 00:15:05,907 --> 00:15:07,073 USA! 493 00:15:07,155 --> 00:15:08,531 Come on! 494 00:15:08,656 --> 00:15:10,823 Okay, so rather than 495 00:15:08,656 --> 00:15:10,823 wearing a Mountie costume 496 00:15:10,948 --> 00:15:12,322 and end this forever, 497 00:15:12,447 --> 00:15:14,113 you show up shirtless 498 00:15:12,447 --> 00:15:14,113 to an outdoor party? 499 00:15:14,239 --> 00:15:15,447 It's practically November. 500 00:15:15,573 --> 00:15:17,865 No biggie. I ain't cold. 501 00:15:18,072 --> 00:15:19,907 Huh. Interesting. 502 00:15:20,072 --> 00:15:21,447 It's fascinating. 503 00:15:21,573 --> 00:15:24,406 Almost as if your body was 504 00:15:21,573 --> 00:15:24,406 accustomed to low temperatures 505 00:15:24,531 --> 00:15:27,322 after generations of adapting. 506 00:15:27,447 --> 00:15:28,907 Canada. 507 00:15:29,072 --> 00:15:30,155 No. 508 00:15:30,280 --> 00:15:32,823 Guys, hey. Robin, 509 00:15:30,280 --> 00:15:32,823 Barney, this is Naomi. 510 00:15:32,948 --> 00:15:34,197 Hey. 511 00:15:32,948 --> 00:15:34,197 Hey. 512 00:15:34,322 --> 00:15:36,865 Nice to meet you guys. 513 00:15:37,072 --> 00:15:40,197 I'm gonna go make some Tootsie 514 00:15:37,072 --> 00:15:40,197 Rolls. It's a drink I invented. 515 00:15:40,322 --> 00:15:41,280 There's a song and dance 516 00:15:41,406 --> 00:15:42,698 that goes along with it, 517 00:15:41,406 --> 00:15:42,698 but I have to 518 00:15:42,823 --> 00:15:44,072 drink three of them 519 00:15:42,823 --> 00:15:44,072 before I can do it. 520 00:15:46,280 --> 00:15:47,823 Oh. 521 00:15:46,280 --> 00:15:47,823 Okay. You go. 522 00:15:47,948 --> 00:15:49,531 This way. 523 00:15:51,155 --> 00:15:54,155 Sounds delicious. 524 00:15:51,155 --> 00:15:54,155 In theory. 525 00:15:54,280 --> 00:15:56,489 But you never know 526 00:15:54,280 --> 00:15:56,489 until you taste it. 527 00:15:56,614 --> 00:16:00,823 Ted... have you tasted 528 00:15:56,614 --> 00:16:00,823 her Tootsie Roll? 529 00:16:01,072 --> 00:16:01,948 Of course not. 530 00:16:02,072 --> 00:16:04,072 Ow. 531 00:16:02,072 --> 00:16:04,072 Wait. Have you? 532 00:16:06,573 --> 00:16:08,656 You had sex with someone you 533 00:16:06,573 --> 00:16:08,656 have zero feelings for! 534 00:16:08,781 --> 00:16:10,072 U-S-A! 535 00:16:10,113 --> 00:16:11,072 U-S... 536 00:16:11,155 --> 00:16:13,197 Stop it. 537 00:16:13,322 --> 00:16:15,113 Just no part of it felt right. 538 00:16:15,239 --> 00:16:17,322 At first there was too much 539 00:16:15,239 --> 00:16:17,322 eye contact, then not enough. 540 00:16:17,447 --> 00:16:19,364 Where do you look during sex? 541 00:16:19,489 --> 00:16:21,907 Um, into the hidden camera 542 00:16:19,489 --> 00:16:21,907 at future me watching it. 543 00:16:24,072 --> 00:16:25,406 Okay. Wait. How does 544 00:16:25,531 --> 00:16:27,573 saying "I want to break up 545 00:16:25,531 --> 00:16:27,573 with you" lead into sex? 546 00:16:27,698 --> 00:16:30,781 I didn't say "I want to 547 00:16:27,698 --> 00:16:30,781 break up with you," exactly. 548 00:16:30,907 --> 00:16:32,364 What did you say, exactly? 549 00:16:34,740 --> 00:16:35,614 "I love you." 550 00:16:35,740 --> 00:16:38,197 Classic Schmosby. 551 00:16:39,531 --> 00:16:43,823 Marshall, this house 552 00:16:39,531 --> 00:16:43,823 wants you so bad. 553 00:16:43,948 --> 00:16:46,155 "Mow my lawn. 554 00:16:46,280 --> 00:16:47,823 "Rake my leaves. 555 00:16:47,948 --> 00:16:49,656 Winterize my pipes." 556 00:16:49,781 --> 00:16:50,823 Yes! 557 00:16:50,948 --> 00:16:52,489 Yes! I'm coming... 558 00:16:52,614 --> 00:16:54,239 to terms with this decision! 559 00:16:54,364 --> 00:16:56,155 Oh! 560 00:16:56,280 --> 00:16:58,072 Trick or treat! 561 00:16:58,113 --> 00:16:58,740 Yay! 562 00:16:58,865 --> 00:17:00,865 Okay. 563 00:17:01,865 --> 00:17:04,072 Oh. 564 00:17:04,113 --> 00:17:05,280 Happy Halloween. 565 00:17:07,781 --> 00:17:10,280 Lily. 566 00:17:07,781 --> 00:17:10,280 Yeah? 567 00:17:10,406 --> 00:17:11,781 You just gave 568 00:17:10,406 --> 00:17:11,781 those children 569 00:17:11,907 --> 00:17:14,907 a stapler, 570 00:17:11,907 --> 00:17:14,907 a pair of sharp scissors, 571 00:17:15,072 --> 00:17:17,197 and a pretty decent 572 00:17:15,072 --> 00:17:17,197 Pinot Noir. 573 00:17:17,322 --> 00:17:18,531 I did? 574 00:17:19,614 --> 00:17:21,614 Oh, my God. 575 00:17:21,740 --> 00:17:25,239 I'm going to miss 576 00:17:21,740 --> 00:17:25,239 that stapler so much. 577 00:17:27,907 --> 00:17:30,865 I'm not doing 578 00:17:27,907 --> 00:17:30,865 so great, am I? 579 00:17:31,072 --> 00:17:32,823 Maybe not. 580 00:17:34,865 --> 00:17:37,740 We shouldn't make any 581 00:17:34,865 --> 00:17:37,740 huge life decisions 582 00:17:37,865 --> 00:17:39,364 right now, should we? 583 00:17:39,489 --> 00:17:44,197 Hey, look, I love you and 584 00:17:39,489 --> 00:17:44,197 I-I love the idea of raising 585 00:17:44,322 --> 00:17:46,280 our kids with a lawn 586 00:17:44,322 --> 00:17:46,280 and a white picket fence, 587 00:17:46,406 --> 00:17:48,447 but we have our whole lives 588 00:17:46,406 --> 00:17:48,447 to decide when 589 00:17:48,573 --> 00:17:50,740 and if we want 590 00:17:48,573 --> 00:17:50,740 to do that. 591 00:17:50,865 --> 00:17:52,907 Do what? 592 00:17:53,072 --> 00:17:55,447 Let's get you home. 593 00:18:01,072 --> 00:18:02,531 Ooh. 594 00:18:02,656 --> 00:18:05,072 That's for the stapler! 595 00:18:05,197 --> 00:18:07,197 I hate the suburbs. 596 00:18:10,906 --> 00:18:11,906 Naomi... 597 00:18:12,072 --> 00:18:13,447 We have to 598 00:18:12,072 --> 00:18:13,447 end this. 599 00:18:13,573 --> 00:18:14,447 W... huh? 600 00:18:14,573 --> 00:18:16,113 I'm sorry, Tootsie Rolls make me 601 00:18:16,239 --> 00:18:18,573 really honest. 602 00:18:18,698 --> 00:18:23,280 Ted... I know 603 00:18:18,698 --> 00:18:23,280 you're super into me. 604 00:18:24,406 --> 00:18:25,781 But we are terrible together. 605 00:18:25,906 --> 00:18:27,489 Wait, what? 606 00:18:27,614 --> 00:18:31,698 I've been trying, saying things 607 00:18:27,614 --> 00:18:31,698 felt good that didn't just to... 608 00:18:33,531 --> 00:18:36,155 I thought saying it was good 609 00:18:33,531 --> 00:18:36,155 would make it feel good, but... 610 00:18:38,197 --> 00:18:40,740 it always felt off. 611 00:18:43,406 --> 00:18:46,364 Why won't he stop 612 00:18:43,406 --> 00:18:46,364 sniffing my hair? 613 00:18:46,489 --> 00:18:47,906 And what's up 614 00:18:46,489 --> 00:18:47,906 with the hand holding? 615 00:18:48,072 --> 00:18:51,406 It's like he's trying 616 00:18:48,072 --> 00:18:51,406 to win a thumb war. 617 00:18:51,531 --> 00:18:54,781 Ted, this is our song. 618 00:18:54,906 --> 00:18:57,406 Oh, no, he thinks 619 00:18:54,906 --> 00:18:57,406 I'm actually into this song. 620 00:18:57,531 --> 00:18:59,489 Does he not get sarcasm? 621 00:18:59,614 --> 00:19:02,531 Let's make love to this song. 622 00:19:02,656 --> 00:19:03,781 I'll just be even more 623 00:19:02,656 --> 00:19:03,781 ridiculous 624 00:19:03,906 --> 00:19:05,823 to make it clear it's a joke. 625 00:19:07,823 --> 00:19:09,072 I... 626 00:19:09,197 --> 00:19:11,113 Uh-oh, where you going 627 00:19:09,197 --> 00:19:11,113 with this, buddy? 628 00:19:11,239 --> 00:19:12,239 love... 629 00:19:12,364 --> 00:19:13,740 Nope, too soon. 630 00:19:13,864 --> 00:19:16,072 Say basset hounds, 631 00:19:13,864 --> 00:19:16,072 Pretzel Crisps, anything but... 632 00:19:16,197 --> 00:19:18,864 you. 633 00:19:16,197 --> 00:19:18,864 Oh, God, just kiss him 634 00:19:16,197 --> 00:19:18,864 before he proposes. 635 00:19:22,614 --> 00:19:24,113 Ted, I've been looking 636 00:19:22,614 --> 00:19:24,113 for the Hot Hanging Chad 637 00:19:24,239 --> 00:19:26,781 for the last nine Halloweens. 638 00:19:26,906 --> 00:19:28,573 I've waded 639 00:19:26,906 --> 00:19:28,573 through a sweaty parade 640 00:19:28,698 --> 00:19:31,072 of Big Lebowskis, Harry Potters, 641 00:19:31,113 --> 00:19:33,072 Antoine Dodsons, 642 00:19:31,113 --> 00:19:33,072 and that jackass 643 00:19:33,113 --> 00:19:34,781 who always dresses as laundry. 644 00:19:34,906 --> 00:19:36,239 Oh, I hate that guy. 645 00:19:36,364 --> 00:19:38,822 That's why, 646 00:19:36,364 --> 00:19:38,822 once I finally found you... 647 00:19:39,906 --> 00:19:43,072 it was hard to let you go. 648 00:19:44,406 --> 00:19:45,864 Good-bye, Ted. 649 00:19:49,947 --> 00:19:52,656 Let's just not touch ever again. 650 00:19:52,781 --> 00:19:53,614 Probably a good idea, yeah. 651 00:19:53,740 --> 00:19:55,864 Okay. 652 00:19:56,072 --> 00:19:58,447 Kids, after spending a decade 653 00:19:56,072 --> 00:19:58,447 dreaming of the wrong girl, 654 00:19:58,573 --> 00:20:01,280 I wanted more than ever 655 00:19:58,573 --> 00:20:01,280 for the next woman I met 656 00:20:01,406 --> 00:20:03,573 to be the real thing. 657 00:20:05,906 --> 00:20:09,780 Yeah, I don't know, Barney, 658 00:20:05,906 --> 00:20:09,780 she doesn't seem like my type. 659 00:20:09,906 --> 00:20:12,197 I will kill you. 660 00:20:12,322 --> 00:20:13,489 I'll see 661 00:20:12,322 --> 00:20:13,489 what I can do. 662 00:20:34,822 --> 00:20:37,364 Oh, hey there, I'm 663 00:20:34,822 --> 00:20:37,364 Barney, how are you? 664 00:20:37,489 --> 00:20:40,573 No, I'm Barney. 665 00:20:42,947 --> 00:20:43,988 Whoa. 666 00:20:44,113 --> 00:20:45,988 You pack quite a wallop there. 667 00:20:46,113 --> 00:20:47,906 Hope you didn't 668 00:20:46,113 --> 00:20:47,906 hurt your hand. 669 00:20:48,030 --> 00:20:50,739 Why are you so nice? 670 00:20:52,489 --> 00:20:54,364 Oh, sorry about my 671 00:20:52,489 --> 00:20:54,364 thick noodle there. 672 00:20:54,489 --> 00:20:56,906 How about we split the 673 00:20:54,489 --> 00:20:56,906 cost of the vase, eh? 674 00:20:57,030 --> 00:20:59,573 Holy Zamboni. 675 00:20:59,698 --> 00:21:01,531 Wow, you really put your 676 00:20:59,698 --> 00:21:01,531 weight behind that one. 677 00:21:01,656 --> 00:21:02,947 That was a 678 00:21:01,656 --> 00:21:02,947 really good one. 679 00:21:03,072 --> 00:21:05,780 Oh, heavens to Gretzky, that 680 00:21:03,072 --> 00:21:05,780 was a real Chiclet rattler.