1
00:00:02,604 --> 00:00:03,787
Kids, have I ever told you

2
00:00:03,789 --> 00:00:06,070
the story
of how I met your father?

3
00:00:06,072 --> 00:00:07,370
Well, I'll just skip ahead

4
00:00:07,372 --> 00:00:09,903
to the moment I told him
I was pregnant.

5
00:00:11,405 --> 00:00:13,653
W... What happened?

6
00:00:13,655 --> 00:00:14,953
Did I pass out?

7
00:00:14,955 --> 00:00:16,737
Not exactly.

8
00:00:16,739 --> 00:00:18,870
I'm pregnant.

9
00:00:22,121 --> 00:00:24,903
Are you sure you're not
just getting fat?

10
00:00:26,904 --> 00:00:29,370
Oh, yeah.

11
00:00:29,372 --> 00:00:31,787
So, um, you're pregnant.

12
00:00:31,789 --> 00:00:32,820
Yeah.

13
00:00:32,822 --> 00:00:34,620
Huh.

14
00:00:34,622 --> 00:00:36,987
Looks like nobody told
your boobs.

15
00:00:39,121 --> 00:00:41,770
What happened?

16
00:00:41,772 --> 00:00:43,070
Did I pass out?

17
00:00:43,072 --> 00:00:43,820
Oh, my...

18
00:00:43,822 --> 00:00:44,936
Please stop hitting me!

19
00:00:44,938 --> 00:00:47,204
Hey.

20
00:00:47,206 --> 00:00:51,486
Are... Are you sure you're...

21
00:00:51,488 --> 00:00:53,404
Well, no, not positive.

22
00:00:53,406 --> 00:00:54,820
I'm a week late.

23
00:00:54,822 --> 00:00:57,037
But I'm never late;
it's a point of pride with me.

24
00:00:57,039 --> 00:00:58,103
I'm going to go

25
00:00:58,105 --> 00:01:00,287
see the doctor on Monday
to find out for sure.

26
00:01:00,289 --> 00:01:03,486
Until then, not a word
of this to anyone.

27
00:01:03,488 --> 00:01:04,703
Not even Kevin?

28
00:01:05,437 --> 00:01:08,370
I mean, it's probably his.

29
00:01:08,372 --> 00:01:10,237
I've spent years
training my boys

30
00:01:10,239 --> 00:01:11,620
to swim the other way.

31
00:01:11,622 --> 00:01:13,570
Kevin and I haven't had sex yet.

32
00:01:14,471 --> 00:01:16,936
If I'm pregnant, you're the dad.

33
00:01:18,788 --> 00:01:20,936
That's wonderful!

34
00:01:20,938 --> 00:01:22,120
Huh?

35
00:01:22,122 --> 00:01:24,070
I'm gonna be a daddy!

36
00:01:30,240 --> 00:01:34,236
== sync, corrected by elderman ==

37
00:01:41,863 --> 00:01:44,288
Okay, one scotch for me,

38
00:01:44,289 --> 00:01:45,970
one iced tea on the rocks glass
for Mommy.

39
00:01:45,972 --> 00:01:46,920
Stop it.

40
00:01:46,922 --> 00:01:47,920
Sorry, sorry.

41
00:01:47,922 --> 00:01:48,970
Keeping it secret.

42
00:01:50,122 --> 00:01:52,620
Oop, I think I gave you
the wrong one.

43
00:01:52,622 --> 00:01:53,803
Here, let me just...

44
00:01:53,805 --> 00:01:55,753
Give it to me.
Drop... let go.

45
00:01:55,755 --> 00:01:59,087
Take it away from you.

46
00:01:59,971 --> 00:02:02,304
Barney, why are you
so happy about this?

47
00:02:02,306 --> 00:02:03,304
Because this is perfect.

48
00:02:03,306 --> 00:02:04,670
I want to be a dad.

49
00:02:04,672 --> 00:02:06,304
This is not good news.

50
00:02:06,306 --> 00:02:07,587
I have a boyfriend.

51
00:02:07,589 --> 00:02:09,503
Yeah, but if Kevin
weren't around...

52
00:02:09,505 --> 00:02:10,470
It doesn't matter!

53
00:02:10,472 --> 00:02:12,670
I don't want kids.

54
00:02:12,672 --> 00:02:13,887
I've never wanted kids,

55
00:02:13,889 --> 00:02:17,720
and never, in a million years,
will I ever want kids.

56
00:02:17,722 --> 00:02:20,386
Sorry, kids.

57
00:02:20,388 --> 00:02:22,720
I can't have a baby.

58
00:02:22,722 --> 00:02:23,803
Hey, guys!

59
00:02:23,805 --> 00:02:27,386
Guess what this is!

60
00:02:27,388 --> 00:02:29,620
One of your socks?
Boom! You're huge.

61
00:02:29,622 --> 00:02:32,786
No, it's our unborn son's
Christmas stocking.

62
00:02:32,788 --> 00:02:34,336
Grandma Gunderson
started knitting it

63
00:02:34,338 --> 00:02:36,720
the day Lily and I got married.

64
00:02:36,722 --> 00:02:40,720
She died before
she could finish.

65
00:02:40,722 --> 00:02:41,753
I miss stockings.

66
00:02:41,755 --> 00:02:43,720
My stepdad Clint
made us get rid of anything

67
00:02:43,722 --> 00:02:46,453
that reminds him of the
commercialization of Christmas.

68
00:02:46,455 --> 00:02:48,803
I thought you said he
dresses up as Santa.

69
00:02:48,805 --> 00:02:51,503
Yeah, but, uh,
to protest gender stereotypes,

70
00:02:51,505 --> 00:02:52,887
he plays Santa as a woman.

71
00:02:52,889 --> 00:02:54,503
Though, he keeps the beard.

72
00:02:54,505 --> 00:02:57,837
The result is disturbing.

73
00:02:57,839 --> 00:02:59,137
Well, we should go.

74
00:02:59,139 --> 00:03:01,087
We have to get
to We B Babies

75
00:03:01,089 --> 00:03:03,336
so that we can register
for our shower.

76
00:03:03,338 --> 00:03:04,620
No can do.

77
00:03:04,622 --> 00:03:08,720
Um, I have a big project
that I'm working on.

78
00:03:08,722 --> 00:03:12,670
This is Richard Holdman's house
in East Meadow.

79
00:03:12,672 --> 00:03:15,920
Last year, he had the
most visited Christmas display

80
00:03:15,922 --> 00:03:17,170
in the tri-state area.

81
00:03:17,172 --> 00:03:19,054
But not this year.
You know why?

82
00:03:19,056 --> 00:03:21,786
Because Big Fudge
has come to town,

83
00:03:21,788 --> 00:03:23,803
and he brought his two friends:

84
00:03:23,805 --> 00:03:26,286
Mannim... Steamroller.

85
00:03:26,288 --> 00:03:27,286
Game on.

86
00:03:28,455 --> 00:03:29,303
Are you okay?

87
00:03:29,305 --> 00:03:30,453
Yeah.

88
00:03:30,455 --> 00:03:32,720
Uh, it's just, um...

89
00:03:32,722 --> 00:03:34,837
I hate Mannheim
Steamroller.

90
00:03:34,839 --> 00:03:36,587
Isn't there anyone
else you can use?

91
00:03:36,589 --> 00:03:39,737
Come on! Who am I gonna use
if not the Steamroller?

92
00:03:39,739 --> 00:03:41,753
I don't know. AC/DC?

93
00:03:41,755 --> 00:03:43,603
AC/DC?

94
00:03:43,605 --> 00:03:45,753
Robin, do you have any idea

95
00:03:45,755 --> 00:03:48,386
why they call them
Mannheim Steamroller?

96
00:03:48,388 --> 00:03:52,637
Because they rock... so hard,
so festively,

97
00:03:52,639 --> 00:03:57,004
that steam comes out
of your brain.

98
00:03:57,006 --> 00:03:58,720
As it melts.

99
00:03:58,722 --> 00:04:01,453
So I have to go to
We B Babies by myself?

100
00:04:01,455 --> 00:04:03,286
Robin and I will
go with you.

101
00:04:05,621 --> 00:04:07,970
Barney, what are
we doing here?

102
00:04:07,972 --> 00:04:10,120
I want to show you
that having a kid

103
00:04:10,122 --> 00:04:11,670
is nothing to be afraid of.

104
00:04:13,139 --> 00:04:15,637
Kids. Stop.

105
00:04:18,304 --> 00:04:19,970
Okay, first
on the registry:

106
00:04:19,972 --> 00:04:21,004
nipple butter.

107
00:04:21,006 --> 00:04:21,953
Uh-oh.

108
00:04:21,955 --> 00:04:23,087
As you breast-feed,

109
00:04:23,089 --> 00:04:24,953
your nipples stretch out,
like, four inches

110
00:04:24,955 --> 00:04:26,503
and get all dry and cracked.

111
00:04:26,505 --> 00:04:28,303
The nipple butter
stops the bleeding.

112
00:04:30,138 --> 00:04:33,303
My four-inch nipples are
going to crack and bleed?

113
00:04:33,305 --> 00:04:37,087
Yes, but while the baby is
gnawing on your bleeding nips,

114
00:04:37,089 --> 00:04:39,953
look what she'll be wearing.

115
00:04:44,337 --> 00:04:47,286
Insane Duane?

116
00:04:49,188 --> 00:04:50,720
Barney?

117
00:04:50,722 --> 00:04:53,470
Insane Duane was your father's
best friend,

118
00:04:53,472 --> 00:04:56,720
back in the days before
he met me or your Uncle Ted.

119
00:04:58,588 --> 00:05:00,087
We're going back to her place.

120
00:05:00,089 --> 00:05:01,087
Boom!

121
00:05:01,089 --> 00:05:02,587
All right, you win!

122
00:05:02,589 --> 00:05:04,953
Here's 20 for picking up a girl
with only one word.

123
00:05:04,955 --> 00:05:06,953
And here's another 20
for that word being "boner."

124
00:05:06,955 --> 00:05:08,587
Thank you.

125
00:05:08,589 --> 00:05:13,286
I'll meet you back here in an
hour when I'm done with, uh...

126
00:05:14,287 --> 00:05:15,720
Ah, who cares what her name is;
she won't be

127
00:05:15,722 --> 00:05:16,803
around long enough
for it to matter.

128
00:05:17,922 --> 00:05:19,169
Nice!

129
00:05:21,971 --> 00:05:25,004
Shh...

130
00:05:25,006 --> 00:05:26,837
I can't believe
I haven't seen you around.

131
00:05:26,839 --> 00:05:29,753
Well, after Sheila and I
had that quickie,

132
00:05:29,755 --> 00:05:34,386
my life's been playdates,
preschools and poops.

133
00:05:34,388 --> 00:05:36,303
I haven't set foot
in a bar in years.

134
00:05:36,305 --> 00:05:37,970
You stopped drinking?

135
00:05:37,972 --> 00:05:40,920
Oh, I still drink.

136
00:05:42,421 --> 00:05:44,303
Vaginal
numbing spray.

137
00:05:44,305 --> 00:05:45,887
Apparently, after child birth,

138
00:05:45,889 --> 00:05:48,503
your hoo-ha looks like
Rocky Balboa's face.

139
00:05:48,505 --> 00:05:51,553
- You can't have a baby!
- I can't have a baby!

140
00:05:52,487 --> 00:05:55,120
The next day,
we went to the doctor.

141
00:05:55,122 --> 00:05:56,470
Well, Mrs. Scherbatsky,

142
00:05:56,472 --> 00:05:58,453
I'm sure that you
and your husband...

143
00:05:58,455 --> 00:05:59,887
Uh, he's not my husband.

144
00:05:59,889 --> 00:06:00,837
Oh, I'm so sorry.

145
00:06:00,839 --> 00:06:01,953
Your boyfriend then.

146
00:06:01,955 --> 00:06:02,920
He's not my boyfriend.

147
00:06:02,922 --> 00:06:04,087
Oh, bozhe.

148
00:06:04,089 --> 00:06:06,087
All right, well,
I will just cut to the chase.

149
00:06:06,089 --> 00:06:07,136
Wait! Wait.

150
00:06:07,138 --> 00:06:09,786
All right.

151
00:06:09,788 --> 00:06:11,219
Okay.

152
00:06:11,221 --> 00:06:12,386
All right, we're ready. Good.

153
00:06:12,388 --> 00:06:14,720
Um, you: not pregnant.

154
00:06:14,722 --> 00:06:16,286
Yeah!

155
00:06:16,288 --> 00:06:17,670
- Oh, yeah!
- Yeah!

156
00:06:17,672 --> 00:06:19,620
That's what I'm
talking about!

157
00:06:22,972 --> 00:06:24,803
Yeah, you know,
you know!

158
00:06:24,805 --> 00:06:27,286
Again, sorry kids.

159
00:06:28,971 --> 00:06:30,119
Hey, mister.

160
00:06:30,121 --> 00:06:32,169
Are you putting up
all these Christmas lights?

161
00:06:32,171 --> 00:06:34,453
Oh, kid, by the time I'm done,

162
00:06:34,455 --> 00:06:37,420
you're gonna be able to see this
son of a bitch from outer space.

163
00:06:37,422 --> 00:06:39,336
Ah, cool.

164
00:06:39,338 --> 00:06:41,420
I wanted to put lights
on our house,

165
00:06:41,422 --> 00:06:44,670
but my dad says he's too busy
with work and stuff.

166
00:06:46,471 --> 00:06:50,887
Hey, what do you say, uh,
you come back here next weekend

167
00:06:50,889 --> 00:06:52,253
and help me out?

168
00:06:52,255 --> 00:06:53,303
Yeah!

169
00:06:53,305 --> 00:06:55,119
You've got yourself a deal.

170
00:06:55,121 --> 00:06:56,453
I'm Scott.

171
00:06:56,455 --> 00:06:59,786
I'm... Mr. Eriksen.

172
00:06:59,788 --> 00:07:01,169
Thanks, Mr. E.

173
00:07:04,254 --> 00:07:05,837
Mr. E.

174
00:07:05,839 --> 00:07:08,136
Looks like some little scamp
just earned the right

175
00:07:08,138 --> 00:07:10,169
to put the Vikings helmet
on baby Jesus.

176
00:07:12,220 --> 00:07:15,219
Later that week,
as I was enjoying every second

177
00:07:15,221 --> 00:07:16,720
of not being pregnant...

178
00:07:16,722 --> 00:07:18,286
Next on Teenage Mommies...

179
00:07:18,288 --> 00:07:20,553
But you said
you would watch Bella.

180
00:07:20,555 --> 00:07:22,420
I have cheerleading practice.

181
00:07:23,788 --> 00:07:25,653
Sucks to be you, Braces.

182
00:07:26,639 --> 00:07:29,004
Oh. Um...

183
00:07:29,006 --> 00:07:30,637
Yello!

184
00:07:32,421 --> 00:07:35,086
Uh, yeah, I can come back in.

185
00:07:35,088 --> 00:07:38,386
Robin, we ran some
tests last week.

186
00:07:38,388 --> 00:07:42,587
This is going to be
difficult to hear.

187
00:07:42,589 --> 00:07:46,386
And then the doctor said a
bunch of medical stuff that...

188
00:07:46,388 --> 00:07:49,303
well, the gist of it was this.

189
00:07:49,305 --> 00:07:51,470
I can't have a baby.

190
00:07:56,320 --> 00:07:58,652
No. You can't have a baby.

191
00:08:01,438 --> 00:08:02,454
Uh, great.

192
00:08:02,456 --> 00:08:07,271
Uh, well, I mean,
um, not-not great.

193
00:08:07,273 --> 00:08:08,354
I mean, I've never wanted kids,

194
00:08:08,356 --> 00:08:10,471
so if it has to happen
to someone...

195
00:08:10,473 --> 00:08:14,221
Robin, is there anyone
you can talk to about this?

196
00:08:14,223 --> 00:08:15,855
Perhaps a close friend?

197
00:08:15,857 --> 00:08:18,187
I knew I could have
talked to my friends.

198
00:08:18,189 --> 00:08:20,020
But, it's just, I already knew

199
00:08:20,022 --> 00:08:22,104
exactly how
they would all react.

200
00:08:22,106 --> 00:08:25,137
Ted would go into overdrive
trying to make me feel better.

201
00:08:25,139 --> 00:08:26,521
You need comfort food.

202
00:08:26,523 --> 00:08:28,871
Fried chicken, mac and cheese,
mashed potatoes.

203
00:08:28,873 --> 00:08:30,721
Open your present,
I'll work on these shoulders.

204
00:08:30,723 --> 00:08:33,087
Okay, just breathe,
relax, eat your chicken.

205
00:08:33,089 --> 00:08:34,805
Come on,
eat, breathe,

206
00:08:34,807 --> 00:08:37,020
open it, breathe,
open it, eat.

207
00:08:37,022 --> 00:08:38,587
Robin, why are you so tense?

208
00:08:39,523 --> 00:08:41,521
Lily would just implode.

209
00:08:41,523 --> 00:08:45,754
And here I've been going
on and on about babies.

210
00:08:45,756 --> 00:08:50,020
Oh, I am such a bad friend!

211
00:08:51,689 --> 00:08:53,721
And I'd wind up comforting her.

212
00:08:53,723 --> 00:08:54,688
It's okay.

213
00:08:54,690 --> 00:08:57,587
You have to punch
me in the face!

214
00:08:57,589 --> 00:08:59,888
Marshall would ask me
a ton of questions

215
00:08:59,890 --> 00:09:01,437
I don't know the answers to.

216
00:09:01,439 --> 00:09:03,588
- Have you thought about adoption?
- Um, well...

217
00:09:03,590 --> 00:09:05,271
Does this kind of thing
run in your family?

218
00:09:05,273 --> 00:09:06,104
Uh...

219
00:09:06,106 --> 00:09:07,137
What was the date, duration

220
00:09:07,139 --> 00:09:09,937
and consistency
of your last period?

221
00:09:09,939 --> 00:09:12,554
And your father would
bend over backwards

222
00:09:12,556 --> 00:09:14,020
trying to make me laugh.

223
00:09:14,022 --> 00:09:16,420
A priest and a rabbi
walk into a bar—

224
00:09:16,422 --> 00:09:18,771
no, a barbershop—
no, a post office—

225
00:09:18,773 --> 00:09:21,304
no, it's two priests—
no, it's two ducks—

226
00:09:21,306 --> 00:09:23,587
no, a priest holding a duck—
and he's Polish.

227
00:09:23,589 --> 00:09:24,888
The priest, not the duck.

228
00:09:24,890 --> 00:09:26,554
Actually, the duck
could be Polish, too.

229
00:09:26,556 --> 00:09:27,771
Doesn't matter.

230
00:09:27,773 --> 00:09:29,604
Yes it does.
The duck's not Polish.

231
00:09:29,606 --> 00:09:30,688
And when that didn't work,

232
00:09:30,690 --> 00:09:32,855
he would actually
bend over backwards.

233
00:09:32,857 --> 00:09:34,488
Pratfall!

234
00:09:34,490 --> 00:09:36,037
Ow!

235
00:09:36,039 --> 00:09:39,420
The bottom line is, I didn't
feel like talking about it.

236
00:09:39,422 --> 00:09:41,554
So when Ted asked...

237
00:09:41,556 --> 00:09:43,471
Hey, Robin, you okay?
You look upset.

238
00:09:43,473 --> 00:09:46,855
I just came up with the first
lie that popped into my head.

239
00:09:46,857 --> 00:09:48,888
Yeah. Uh...

240
00:09:48,890 --> 00:09:51,521
I just found out I can never...

241
00:09:51,523 --> 00:09:55,137
be a pole-vaulter
for the Canadian Olympic team.

242
00:09:55,139 --> 00:09:57,271
I'm too tall or something.

243
00:09:57,273 --> 00:09:58,437
Robin, I'm sorry.
I'm so sorry, Robin.

244
00:09:58,439 --> 00:09:59,471
I had no idea.
That's terrible.

245
00:09:59,473 --> 00:10:01,387
Can we get some fried chicken
over here, stat!

246
00:10:01,389 --> 00:10:04,471
I am such a
bad friend!

247
00:10:04,473 --> 00:10:06,387
Three slutty nuns
show up at St. Peter's—

248
00:10:06,389 --> 00:10:07,688
Wait, wait, they're not slutty.

249
00:10:07,690 --> 00:10:09,437
Well, they are, but you're not
supposed to know that yet.

250
00:10:09,439 --> 00:10:10,587
Um...

251
00:10:10,589 --> 00:10:11,920
Hey, baby, what's up?

252
00:10:11,922 --> 00:10:14,254
Hey, uh, listen,
the construction of

253
00:10:14,256 --> 00:10:15,887
the Symphony of Illumination
is taking

254
00:10:15,889 --> 00:10:17,104
a little longer than I thought.

255
00:10:17,106 --> 00:10:19,137
Good thing I have
Scott here to help me.

256
00:10:19,139 --> 00:10:20,271
Right, Scott?

257
00:10:20,273 --> 00:10:21,937
You betcha, Mr. E!

258
00:10:21,939 --> 00:10:22,771
Bad news.

259
00:10:22,773 --> 00:10:23,805
Robin's too tall

260
00:10:23,807 --> 00:10:25,587
to be an Olympic
pole-vaulter.

261
00:10:25,589 --> 00:10:27,221
Has she filed an appeal
with the IOC?

262
00:10:27,223 --> 00:10:28,688
Have you filed
an appeal with the IOC?

263
00:10:28,690 --> 00:10:30,638
Can she make herself shorter
by slouching?

264
00:10:30,640 --> 00:10:32,020
Can you make yourself
shorter by slouching?

265
00:10:32,022 --> 00:10:33,304
Has she considered
going back to school

266
00:10:33,306 --> 00:10:34,554
and competing at
the collegiate level?

267
00:10:34,556 --> 00:10:36,437
Have you considered
going back to school and...

268
00:10:36,439 --> 00:10:37,887
I don't want to talk about it.

269
00:10:37,889 --> 00:10:39,805
Sorry.

270
00:10:39,807 --> 00:10:41,638
I love you, baby.
See you tomorrow.

271
00:10:41,640 --> 00:10:43,137
Okay, I love you, too.

272
00:10:46,089 --> 00:10:47,104
Scott?

273
00:10:47,106 --> 00:10:48,471
Scott, I dropped my phone.

274
00:10:48,473 --> 00:10:49,937
Yep, found it.

275
00:10:49,939 --> 00:10:51,221
Could you bring it up here?

276
00:10:51,223 --> 00:10:52,521
You got it.

277
00:10:52,523 --> 00:10:55,020
Hey, while I'm at it,
can I get you a beer?

278
00:10:55,022 --> 00:10:58,437
He wants to bring
the old man a beer.

279
00:10:58,439 --> 00:10:59,554
Yeah, sure.

280
00:10:59,556 --> 00:11:01,304
Uh, there's a whole case
in the fridge.

281
00:11:01,306 --> 00:11:02,471
Thanks, son.

282
00:11:02,473 --> 00:11:05,354
Do you, do you mind
if I call you "son"?

283
00:11:05,356 --> 00:11:07,471
You can call me
whatever you want...

284
00:11:07,473 --> 00:11:09,271
jackass.

285
00:11:12,938 --> 00:11:14,254
Scott?

286
00:11:14,256 --> 00:11:15,721
The ladder fell.

287
00:11:16,555 --> 00:11:18,920
Scott?

288
00:11:33,472 --> 00:11:35,087
Scott!

289
00:11:35,089 --> 00:11:37,904
What are we doing?

290
00:11:40,421 --> 00:11:42,254
Listen, um,

291
00:11:42,256 --> 00:11:43,904
I know things have been
kind of weird

292
00:11:43,906 --> 00:11:45,721
between you and me
these past couple weeks,

293
00:11:45,723 --> 00:11:47,104
so I just want to say I'm...

294
00:11:47,106 --> 00:11:48,688
I'm glad we're back
to where we started.

295
00:11:48,690 --> 00:11:50,420
- Yeah.
- Friends with benefits.

296
00:11:50,422 --> 00:11:51,721
- No.
- Just like always.

297
00:11:51,723 --> 00:11:53,054
Never been that.
Just friends.

298
00:11:53,056 --> 00:11:54,937
With benefits.
We'll talk about it later.

299
00:11:55,722 --> 00:11:57,970
Look at all
these babies.

300
00:11:57,972 --> 00:11:59,970
Isn't it crazy how,
now that we're not having one,

301
00:11:59,972 --> 00:12:01,437
babies are cute again?

302
00:12:02,255 --> 00:12:03,804
Look at that one.

303
00:12:03,806 --> 00:12:04,837
I'm good.

304
00:12:04,839 --> 00:12:06,587
No, I'm serious.
Look, look.

305
00:12:06,589 --> 00:12:08,187
Damn it.

306
00:12:08,189 --> 00:12:10,387
That thing's cute as crap.

307
00:12:11,921 --> 00:12:13,554
Screw you, baby.

308
00:12:15,272 --> 00:12:17,054
Scott?

309
00:12:17,056 --> 00:12:18,254
Scott!

310
00:12:18,256 --> 00:12:20,271
What is going on?

311
00:12:20,273 --> 00:12:21,970
Hey, Mr. E.
Scott...

312
00:12:21,972 --> 00:12:24,721
if you do not let me down,
I am going to scream

313
00:12:24,723 --> 00:12:26,604
my head off until someone
comes to help me,

314
00:12:26,606 --> 00:12:29,937
and then you're going to have to
explain all of this to the cops.

315
00:12:29,939 --> 00:12:31,587
And then you'll have to explain
why there's

316
00:12:31,589 --> 00:12:34,054
a picture of my ding-dong
on your phone.

317
00:12:34,056 --> 00:12:35,554
There is no picture of your...

318
00:12:35,556 --> 00:12:37,937
There is now.

319
00:12:37,939 --> 00:12:39,937
Oh, yeah, that's a beauty.

320
00:12:39,939 --> 00:12:41,137
Scott?

321
00:12:41,139 --> 00:12:42,920
Scott!

322
00:12:43,805 --> 00:12:45,770
Scott!

323
00:12:45,772 --> 00:12:47,271
Marshall keeps

324
00:12:47,273 --> 00:12:50,271
asking me to text him
pictures of my boobies.

325
00:12:50,273 --> 00:12:52,054
After all these years,

326
00:12:52,056 --> 00:12:54,937
he sometimes still acts
like a teenager.

327
00:12:54,939 --> 00:12:56,437
I'll be right back.

328
00:13:01,605 --> 00:13:04,521
Insane Duane.

329
00:13:04,523 --> 00:13:07,688
It's Sane Duane now.

330
00:13:07,690 --> 00:13:10,054
You used to be
magnificent.

331
00:13:18,138 --> 00:13:20,221
Are you okay?

332
00:13:20,223 --> 00:13:24,104
Yeah, yeah, um,
I guess this, um,

333
00:13:24,106 --> 00:13:27,770
this pole-vaulting thing
is finally hitting me.

334
00:13:27,772 --> 00:13:28,854
I don't get it, Robin.

335
00:13:28,856 --> 00:13:31,554
Did you really want
to be a pole-vaulter?

336
00:13:31,556 --> 00:13:35,254
No, no, I was,
uh, I was always

337
00:13:35,256 --> 00:13:37,687
adamantly against having a...

338
00:13:37,689 --> 00:13:39,970
uh, a pole-vaulting career,

339
00:13:39,972 --> 00:13:42,087
even though it's
what most women want.

340
00:13:42,089 --> 00:13:44,471
Most women want
to be a pole-vaulter?

341
00:13:44,473 --> 00:13:46,638
In Canada—
it's very big up there.

342
00:13:46,640 --> 00:13:48,304
You know, it's,
it's meet a nice guy,

343
00:13:48,306 --> 00:13:51,104
get married, vault some poles,

344
00:13:51,106 --> 00:13:52,538
but I...

345
00:13:52,540 --> 00:13:55,104
never wanted that.

346
00:13:55,106 --> 00:13:57,420
Of course, it's one thing
not to want something.

347
00:13:57,422 --> 00:13:59,770
It's another to be told
you can't have it.

348
00:14:01,138 --> 00:14:02,854
I guess it's,
it's just nice knowing

349
00:14:02,856 --> 00:14:07,937
that you could someday do it
if you changed your mind.

350
00:14:09,372 --> 00:14:13,304
But now, all of a sudden,
that door is closed.

351
00:14:15,605 --> 00:14:19,037
What about the one where you ski
and shoot at the same time?

352
00:14:19,039 --> 00:14:21,271
That seems like something
you'd be good at.

353
00:14:22,805 --> 00:14:25,587
Oh, my God, Robin, look at this.

354
00:14:25,589 --> 00:14:27,271
O Cana-dorable!

355
00:14:27,273 --> 00:14:28,271
Am I right?

356
00:14:28,273 --> 00:14:29,804
Excuse me.

357
00:14:30,572 --> 00:14:33,271
Yep, this works.

358
00:14:37,524 --> 00:14:39,193
Scott, when I get

359
00:14:39,194 --> 00:14:40,492
down from here, you are going

360
00:14:40,494 --> 00:14:42,908
to be in big, big trouble,
mister.

361
00:14:42,910 --> 00:14:44,275
Come on, Mr. E.

362
00:14:44,277 --> 00:14:46,691
Didn't you ever cut loose
when you were a kid?

363
00:14:46,693 --> 00:14:49,108
That's irrelevant.

364
00:14:49,110 --> 00:14:51,525
I mean, of course I did.

365
00:14:51,527 --> 00:14:53,741
One time, when my parents
were out of town,

366
00:14:53,743 --> 00:14:57,825
my brothers and I set
the basement on fire

367
00:14:57,827 --> 00:15:01,025
hosting
an amateur wrestling exhibition.

368
00:15:02,142 --> 00:15:04,492
There were some theatrics.

369
00:15:04,494 --> 00:15:06,858
See, you get me.

370
00:15:06,860 --> 00:15:10,025
I don't think of you as some
dummy I trapped on the roof.

371
00:15:10,027 --> 00:15:14,192
I think of you more like,
like my dad.

372
00:15:15,609 --> 00:15:19,825
Can we keep the party going
for 30 more minutes, please?

373
00:15:22,443 --> 00:15:24,442
Okay, Scott.

374
00:15:24,444 --> 00:15:27,108
Thanks, Pop.

375
00:15:28,826 --> 00:15:32,691
It's fine, kid just needed
to blow off some steam.

376
00:15:39,975 --> 00:15:40,991
No!

377
00:15:40,993 --> 00:15:44,158
Grandma Gunderson knitted that!

378
00:15:44,160 --> 00:15:47,775
Scott...!

379
00:15:47,777 --> 00:15:49,158
That was crazy.

380
00:15:49,160 --> 00:15:51,492
She just ran
out of there crying.

381
00:15:51,494 --> 00:15:52,991
Now she's not
answering her phone.

382
00:15:52,993 --> 00:15:55,941
She's been acting really weird
for a few weeks now,

383
00:15:55,943 --> 00:15:59,941
really since the night
we discussed the hurricane.

384
00:15:59,943 --> 00:16:01,308
Barney, you split a cab home.

385
00:16:01,310 --> 00:16:02,858
Did she say anything?

386
00:16:05,826 --> 00:16:07,808
We didn't really talk much.

387
00:16:07,810 --> 00:16:08,908
Well, lucky for us,

388
00:16:08,910 --> 00:16:11,825
someone at this table is skilled

389
00:16:11,827 --> 00:16:14,574
in the art of detection.

390
00:16:15,359 --> 00:16:16,991
Robin's upset.

391
00:16:16,993 --> 00:16:19,825
She and Kevin
are having trouble.

392
00:16:19,827 --> 00:16:21,641
- He cheated on her.
- No way.

393
00:16:21,643 --> 00:16:25,325
Kevin's an honest, decent guy
who never on his best day

394
00:16:25,327 --> 00:16:27,308
could pull a hotter chick
than Robin.

395
00:16:27,310 --> 00:16:29,158
Maybe Robin cheated on him.

396
00:16:29,160 --> 00:16:32,974
Maybe Robin is the dirty bird
who slept with someone else.

397
00:16:32,976 --> 00:16:35,242
I don't know,
this pole-vaulting thing seems

398
00:16:35,244 --> 00:16:37,141
like a slam dunk to me.

399
00:16:37,143 --> 00:16:39,075
Oh, it is so obvious.

400
00:16:39,077 --> 00:16:40,409
Barney.

401
00:16:41,309 --> 00:16:42,491
What is the name of that guy

402
00:16:42,493 --> 00:16:44,158
you worked with— uh, Randy?

403
00:16:44,160 --> 00:16:45,358
It was Randy.

404
00:16:45,360 --> 00:16:46,325
Wait a second.

405
00:16:46,327 --> 00:16:48,491
I just cracked this case.

406
00:16:49,743 --> 00:16:51,141
The little maple leaf onesie.

407
00:16:51,143 --> 00:16:53,075
It made her homesick.

408
00:16:53,077 --> 00:16:54,025
That's why she's so upset.

409
00:16:54,027 --> 00:16:55,108
She's not going home
for Christmas.

410
00:16:55,110 --> 00:16:57,608
She wants me
to invite her to Ohio.

411
00:16:57,610 --> 00:16:59,474
That's got to be it!

412
00:16:59,476 --> 00:17:01,524
Either that
or she slept with Barney.

413
00:17:14,692 --> 00:17:17,242
Oh, you must be Scott.

414
00:17:17,244 --> 00:17:19,658
Oh, hello, ma'am.

415
00:17:19,660 --> 00:17:21,991
It's nice to finally
see your face.

416
00:17:21,993 --> 00:17:24,491
Well, I'd better go
hit those books.

417
00:17:24,493 --> 00:17:27,974
Hold it right there, young man.

418
00:17:28,776 --> 00:17:31,574
This is for helping out
my husband.

419
00:17:32,410 --> 00:17:35,075
Wow, 50 bucks.

420
00:17:35,077 --> 00:17:36,242
Merry Christmas.

421
00:17:45,159 --> 00:17:47,825
Lily!

422
00:17:47,827 --> 00:17:50,025
An airplane ticket
to Cleveland?

423
00:17:50,027 --> 00:17:52,025
I know it's not Canada,
but it starts with a "C"

424
00:17:52,027 --> 00:17:54,441
and it's cold as balls,
so get packed.

425
00:17:54,443 --> 00:17:56,158
You're coming home
with me for Christmas.

426
00:17:56,160 --> 00:17:57,908
Yeah, nice try, dude.

427
00:17:57,910 --> 00:17:58,941
I wouldn't go to Cleveland

428
00:17:58,943 --> 00:18:02,641
for $125 million
paid over six years.

429
00:18:02,643 --> 00:18:03,658
Still?

430
00:18:03,660 --> 00:18:05,242
Still with the LeBron jokes?

431
00:18:05,244 --> 00:18:06,491
Where's that ring, huh?

432
00:18:06,493 --> 00:18:08,491
Where's that ring
he's supposed to have by now?

433
00:18:09,359 --> 00:18:11,141
Look, I just— I thought
you were bummed

434
00:18:11,143 --> 00:18:12,691
about not going home
for Christmas.

435
00:18:12,693 --> 00:18:13,808
Are you kidding?

436
00:18:13,810 --> 00:18:16,158
I love New York at Christmas.

437
00:18:16,160 --> 00:18:18,491
It's so quiet and peaceful.

438
00:18:19,575 --> 00:18:21,991
Got my eggnog to keep
me company, so...

439
00:18:21,993 --> 00:18:24,275
Robin, what's wrong?

440
00:18:24,277 --> 00:18:26,325
- Nothing.
- Just tell me.

441
00:18:26,327 --> 00:18:27,941
Why do you need
to know so bad?

442
00:18:27,943 --> 00:18:29,108
So I can cheer you up.

443
00:18:29,110 --> 00:18:30,641
It's not your job
to cheer me up.

444
00:18:30,643 --> 00:18:31,608
Yes, it is.

445
00:18:31,610 --> 00:18:33,691
Cheering you up is my job.

446
00:18:33,693 --> 00:18:35,524
Well, then, you're fired.

447
00:18:35,526 --> 00:18:36,524
You can't fire me.

448
00:18:36,526 --> 00:18:37,808
I'm union, bitch.

449
00:18:37,810 --> 00:18:39,275
It's not your job
to cheer me up.

450
00:18:39,277 --> 00:18:40,325
- Yes, it is.
- No, it's not.

451
00:18:40,327 --> 00:18:41,242
Yes, it is.

452
00:18:41,244 --> 00:18:42,808
No, it's not.

453
00:18:44,742 --> 00:18:47,141
Merry Christmas, Ted.

454
00:18:47,992 --> 00:18:50,192
Merry Christmas.

455
00:18:52,742 --> 00:18:57,108
So, kids, I settled in
for a Christmas alone.

456
00:18:57,110 --> 00:18:59,908
I appreciated that Ted wanted
to cheer me up,

457
00:18:59,910 --> 00:19:02,808
but honestly,
it wasn't necessary.

458
00:19:02,810 --> 00:19:04,775
So I can't have kids.

459
00:19:04,777 --> 00:19:06,524
Big deal.

460
00:19:06,526 --> 00:19:08,941
This way there's no one
to hold me back in life,

461
00:19:08,943 --> 00:19:10,574
no one to keep me
from traveling

462
00:19:10,576 --> 00:19:11,974
where I want to travel,

463
00:19:11,976 --> 00:19:13,825
no one getting
in the way of my career.

464
00:19:13,827 --> 00:19:16,641
If you want to know
the truth of it,

465
00:19:16,643 --> 00:19:19,474
I'm glad you guys aren't real.

466
00:19:33,276 --> 00:19:35,474
Really glad.

467
00:19:52,492 --> 00:19:54,658
Damn it.

468
00:20:08,076 --> 00:20:10,974
Yes, it is.

469
00:20:12,142 --> 00:20:15,192
Look, you don't want to
tell me what's wrong, fine.

470
00:20:15,194 --> 00:20:16,491
I don't need to know.

471
00:20:17,592 --> 00:20:20,307
But you can never stop me
from trying to cheer you up.

472
00:20:21,275 --> 00:20:22,357
It's a fact of life.

473
00:20:22,359 --> 00:20:24,741
You're just gonna
have to deal with it.

474
00:20:24,743 --> 00:20:25,808
Ted...

475
00:20:25,810 --> 00:20:27,691
Hold on, hold on,
this is the best part.

476
00:20:42,194 --> 00:20:45,591
Kids, your Aunt Robin
never became a pole-vaulter,

477
00:20:45,593 --> 00:20:47,574
but she did become
a famous journalist,

478
00:20:47,576 --> 00:20:50,791
a successful businesswoman,
a world traveler.

479
00:20:50,793 --> 00:20:52,408
She was even briefly
a bullfighter—

480
00:20:52,410 --> 00:20:54,974
that's a funny story,
I'll get to that one later.

481
00:20:54,976 --> 00:20:58,941
But there's one thing
your Aunt Robin never was.

482
00:20:58,943 --> 00:20:59,974
She was never alone.

483
00:21:02,027 --> 00:21:06,023
== sync, corrected by elderman ==