Kids,
in the spring of 2012,
your Uncle Barney went off
the grid for a couple weeks.
So I was relieved
when I got a text
asking me to come over
to his place.
Glad to hear from you, buddy.
I was worried something
bad happened...
to you.
Welcome, brother.
What is this?
Ted Evelyn Mosby,
you are about to be
sworn to secrecy
through the sacred vows
of a Bro Oath,
or "Broath."
Please, put on
your "brobe."
Yeah, I'm not putting on
the "brobe."
Ted, just...
just... Okay?
Wait, are they chanting "bro"?
I got some local monks
to record this.
Yeah! I got a monk guy.
Cool, right?
It actually is, yeah.
I'll burn it for you.
Just remind me after The Broath.
Anyway, Ted Evelyn Mosby,
this ritual forever binds you
to keep a solemn secret...
Which is?
I really like this Quinn girl!
We've been spending
tons of time together,
and I want the gang to meet her.
but I'm afraid they're
gonna disapprove because,
well, you know.
I did know. You see,
Quinn was a stripper...
who had swindled Barney out of
quite a bit of cash.
We're inviting everyone
to dinner at Quinn's,
and I want them to
keep an open mind,
which brings us to The Broath.
Place your hand
on The Bro Code.
Yeah, yeah, yeah...
Repeat after me.
I, Ted Evelyn Mosby...
"I, Ted "Why Did I Ever Tell You
My Middle Name" Mosby..."
solemnly swear not to
tell our friends
that Quinn is
a stripper.
"... solemnly swear not
to tell our friends
that Quinn is a stripper" who
duped you out of lots of money.
You're only supposed
to repeat after me.
"You're only supposed
to repeat after me."
Stop it.
Silence!
Look, I know that things
started out sketchy
with me and Quinn, but
I really like her, so please.
Do you,
Ted Middle-Name-Omitted Mosby,
swear to uphold this Broath?
I do.
Barney's dating a stripper
who's gonna steal all his money!
Okay, time to go to
Quinn's. Now remember,
I told you nothing, okay?
Barney really wants
us all to like her.
But how can we?
Quinn totally duped Barney,
and he couldn't even see it.
Well, apparently, the sex
is mind-blowing.
Ha, I've been there.
Yeah.
I was once with this chick
who answered the door wearing
nothing but, uh, whipped cream,
a dog collar
and a hot pink thong.
Marshall,
you can't tell sex stories
about "this chick," because
everyone knows it's me.
I'm the only woman
you've ever been with.
It's not fair, the guys are
always telling their sex stories
and I can top
every one of them.
Baby, you're like 20 slutty
chicks all rolled into one.
Sweet talk is not going
to change my mind.
Let's focus.
Tonight, we want to make sure
that Quinn is not
out to scam Barney.
So, when we walk back
through that door
three hours from now,
we should all be able
to answer one
simple question:
Do we trust this girl?
Well, for one thing,
she seems kind of controlling.
Is it okay if I put out
the hummus, bunny face?
No, save it for dessert.
Idiot.
Uh, ah...
More red wine, beauty-swan?
She drinks a lot.
Is it okay if I
go pee, sugar lamb?
No!
You just went three hours ago.
You're right, baby bear!
Yes, so Barney's whipped;
it doesn't mean
that Quinn is a con artist.
Well, maybe we could've gotten
a better read on her
if two people
hadn't gone off topic.
By the way, Quinn,
your apartment is amazing.
Oh, yeah, it's beautiful.
I'm actually moving out soon.
If you know anyone
looking for a sublet,
this place is rent-controlled.
You would not believe
what I pay.
Kids,
things have been tense
between Robin and I for weeks.
Ever since she moved out,
and I gave the apartment
to Marshall and Lily,
I'd been crashing
in university housing.
It's 10:00,
damn it.
Ned, Martin and Millie,
people are trying to sleep!
Hey, you were young
like us once, right?
I was never like you guys.
And Robin was staying
with her coworker, Patrice.
You seem so down today, Robin.
I made you cookies.
Damn it, Patrice,
stop smothering me!
So, when Quinn said
her apartment was available...
ROBIN/TED:
It's mine! It's mine! It's mine!
Dibs! Dibs! Dibs!
We got off topic?
What about Marshall?
Hey, I was just
going along with
whoever suggested
we play that game.
Hey, let's play a game!
Uh, craziest
sex-in-public story; I'll start.
I was once with this chick
who loved to get freaky
in elevators.
Doors would close;
suddenly,
she's panting on all fours
like a dog in heat.
Marshall, stop.
I never said that it was you.
Okay, so anyway, last August,
I go bareback
with this same slut.
She get's pregnant;
bitch is even hornier.
Oh, yeah? I was once
with this dude
who I caught eating
a sandwich during sex.
Big ol' meatball
falls out, lands on my back,
rolls on to the elevator floor.
Hmm. Disgusting, right?
What, I never said it was you.
Yeah, sorry we didn't stay
as laser-focused as you guys.
Hey, at least I got
some evidence.
Look what I found
in Quinn's bedroom.
Barney's taking her to Hawaii.
Lily, you snooped
through her stuff?
No. It's like
the first thing you see
when you jimmy open her desk
drawer with a letter opener
her grandfather left her,
according to her diary.
First-class tickets,
a four-star hotel...
this cost Barney a fortune.
Yeah, this proves that Quinn is
totally using him for his money.
You know what Lily, enough.
Guys, even if you're right
about Quinn, this is Barney.
He'll come to his senses.
I give this whole thing
a week, two weeks, tops.
And now, we have
an announcement.
Can I tell them?
No.
We're moving in together
We're m...
Congrats!
That's great.
So happy for you.
We gotta end this.
Yup.
Kids, as you'll recall,
our gang had a subtle way
of letting someone know
they were making a mistake.
Where have you been?
Oh, worth it. Hang on.
Hey.
You know we would've
hated ourselves, right?
So,
did Robin mention the incredibly
devious thing she did today?
Me?
Hey, so I just happened
to be in the neighborhood
and I thought, "Man, Quinn
is in such great shape,
she must love fruit."
So, unrelated,
how's the search for
a sub-letter going?
This is such a
weird coincidence!
Robin also "just happened"
to be in the neighborhood
with a bottle of wine
and her credit scores.
I can't believe you two.
What do you care about more,
protecting your friend
from getting hurt or scoring
this girl's apartment?
There's a working fireplace!
Patrice is ironing
my pants all wrong!
You guys should be ashamed.
Speaking of shame,
I was once with this chick
who liked to do hand stuff
underneath a jacket
while we were all
sitting around our
favorite booth at MacLaren's.
Gross.
We share appetizers.
Okay, well, I was once
with a dude
who couldn't even fantasize
about a three-way.
He was all,
"Ew, she's your best friend."
What now?
I was once with a
chick who wanted
to get it on during a school
production of Peter Pan.
Well, I...
Wait, that wasn't me.
So, back to Patrice
and this ironing issue...
I thought I was the first girl
you ever did anything with.
Anything serious.
Please don't tell me that
you're jealous of me getting
to second base in tenth grade
with Jenna Cristalli.
Don't say that whore's name
in front of our baby.
What's going on?
Barney, this in an intervention.
A "Quinntervention."
You and Quinn are moving really
fast, and we don't trust her.
We're just looking out
for your best interests.
"Quinn-terests."
I don't understand. Wh...
Wait a sec.
Ted Evelyn Mosby...
you broke The Broath.
How dare you?
A Broath is the most sacred bond
between... okay, yeah, I did.
Are you aware that
breaking a Broath
can have deadly,
even fatal repercussions?
Have you studied history, Ted?
Extensively.
But I'm a little shaky
on fake history, so...
The tragic cost of
a broken Broath
Uh-huh.
dates back to
Ancient Bro-man times...
Hey, Bro-tus,
you'd tell me if,
like, a bunch of dudes
were conspiring to
assassinate me, right?
Um, totally, Caesar.
Paranoid much?
Just to be sure,
can you swear
a Broath to me?
Sure. I swear.
Thanks.
You've always got my back.
Et tu, Bro-te?
And then he banged,
like, a hundred chicks
and invented a salad.
True story.
Well, Quinn lied to you;
she manipulated you.
What if she's just using you?
She's not just using me.
What about the expensive
trip to Hawaii?
What expensive trip to Hawaii?
The one I got for you.
That was supposed to be
a surprise for Barney.
He asked me to meet him here.
What's going on, you guys?
Tell her.
Fine,
I'll fill her in.
And I am so angry,
I'm not even gonna make a joke
about "filling her in."
Which I did three times
last night, self-five.
My friends think
you're wrong for me,
so they're having
an intervention.
A "Quinntervention."
I don't understand.
Well, see, your name
is Quinn, and so...
I'll explain.
I made Ted promise not to tell
them what you do, but he did,
and now they don't trust you.
Wow, that really hurts.
But what's even worse
is that you felt
the need to lie about me.
I'm not ashamed of
who I am, Barney,
but you clearly are.
I'm not ashamed of you.
I just didn't want them
to judge you without...
Maybe we are moving too fast.
What? What is that
supposed to mean?
I don't think I can do this.
Wait, are you ending things
just like that?
If you walk out that door,
you prove them right.
You prove that you're just
some heartless stripper
who never gave a damn about me
in the...
Don't call me.
Wow. That
was intense.
We just destroyed
what could have been
a once-in-a-lifetime shot
at happiness.
I know. I feel guilty, too.
Fireplace, balcony,
hardwood floors...
Okay, I'll just say it:
After everything that
happened between us,
I can't believe
you wouldn't
back down and let me
have Quinn's place.
Ted, can I talk to you
out in the hall?
Has it ever occurred to you
that the last few weeks haven't
been easy for me either?
In the span of one day,
my engagement fell apart,
I lost my best friend,
then I lost my apartment.
And-and now I'm about
to lose my job.
What do you mean?
I-I've been completely
distracted at work.
And now my boss wants to see me
Friday at 5:00,
which, around the office,
is known as "fire o'clock."
I had no idea.
How could you?
The one person I want to talk
to most barely looks me
in the eye anymore,
much less returns my calls.
Ted, I know it took guts
to tell me you love me.
And I-I know how much it hurt
that I didn't say it back,
but...
Damn it, th-this sucks
for me, too.
And I-I miss you.
Is there any way we can just...
go back to normal?
I don't think
I can do normal anymore.
Barney still
isn't answering.
We gotta go find him
and apologize.
Oh. I thought you were Quinn.
Barney, we're so sorry.
We never should've
meddled like that.
Can you forgive us?
I don't know.
You had no right to do that.
How can we make it
up to you, buddy?
I, one of Barney's
best friends...
"I, one of Barney's
best friends..."
promise never to interfere
with his personal life again...
"... promise never to interfere
with his personal life again..."
unless it's an issue of
health, national security,
or he's about to get up
on a fattie.
"... unless it's an issue of
health, national security,
or he's about to
get up on a fattie."
And now, to seal
this sacred vow,
the two ladies will kiss.
Barney...
The two ladies will kiss!
Mmm.
Lil...
Okay.
And now the gentlemen.
Dude...
And now the gentlemen!
Let's just...
This is silly.
Don't-don't touch
my face.
I was going to say,
"And now the gentlemen
bump fists."
How long you been holding
back that one?
Hot stuff, fellas.
Did I see a little tongue
in there?
I don't understand.
Well, if these two
will keep their sweaty paws
off each other
for half a second, I'll explain.
It all started
a couple days ago...
I want you to meet
my friends.
Should I be nervous?
Is it like bringing me home
to meet your parents?
No, no, no.
Much more stressful than that.
You see, my friends, while
awesome, can be presumptuous,
meddlesome and
downright destructive.
When they learn what
you do and how we met,
they'll probably try
to break us up.
So let's have
some fun with them.
Mess with their heads.
Are you saying...
evil plan?
Hells to the yes.
My God, you're hot.
Wait for it.
Here's what we do.
I'll make Ted swear not to tell
anyone what he knows about you,
and he'll cave immediately.
Barney's dating a stripper
who's gonna steal all his money!
Next, we invite everyone over.
I'll keep saying stuff like:
Is it okay if I put out
the hummus, bunny face?
And I'll be the bossy
bitch who says:
No, save it for dessert, idiot.
Nice.
And, finally, we'll announce...
We're moving in together!
I've got an idea.
Let's get your friends
Ted and Robin
fighting over my apartment.
Wait, what does that have
to do with you and me?
Nothing. I just
worship chaos.
I can't handle how hot
you are right now.
Wait for it.
Next,
they'll try to talk me
into dumping you.
And I'll walk in on it.
Then we pretend to break up.
And when they crawl back,
begging for forgiveness...
I'll be the bigger man
and let them off the hook.
Or make the monkeys
dance for you.
God, you're smart!
It's gonna be legen...
I'm not waiting for
it anymore. Mmm...
dary.
My God, you two are...
Perfect together.
So you're not really moving in?
Well, it started
out as a joke,
but the more we
talked about it...
The more excited we got.
So, yeah, we are.
You have anything
to say about that?
So happy for you.
Congratulations.
Thank you.
You two realize this means
my apartment really is
up for grabs, right?
I'm sure I'll find
something else.
Me, too.
Yeah.
And that's the story
of how we met Quinn.
That Friday, I met Robin to see
how it went at "fire o'clock."
They promoted me
to on-air talent.
I'm gonna be
Sandy Rivers' new co-host.
Oh, my God!
How'd that happen?
Remember New Year's Eve?
When I filled in for Sandy,
it turns out
the C.E.O.
of World Wide News liked me.
He said I have "moxie."
So he's a 1940s gangster?
Apparently.
And I got a big raise,
so I'm taking this apartment
on Central Park West,
which means...
Quinn's apartment.
I already told her
you'd take it.
Wow. Thanks.
Yeah.
Hey, and congrats.
You deserve it all.
You know, I've been
thinking about it, and...
I can do normal.
To back to normal.
Uh... I-I should get going.
Yeah.
You've got a lot to do.
Totally.
So...
Um, see you soon.
See you soon.
Yeah.
We wouldn't see each other
for a long time.
But I'll get to that.
Listen, um...
about me getting to second base
in tenth grade
with Jenna Cristalli...
I don't know what you're
talking about.
I've already forgotten
about that dumb hobag.
Yeah, um, it didn't happen while
we were watching Peter Pan.
It happened while I was
playing Peter Pan.
Here's a photo
from the day I was cast.
That's me in the middle.
But then I had my growth spurt.
By opening night, I was too big
for the flying harness,
and, well...
I fell hands-first
right onto Jenna Cristalli.
The tissues in her bra saved me
two broken wrists.
I'm sorry. I just, I just wanted
to have one cool
sex story that wasn't you.
Okay. Next time you tell it,
you were in your dad's car,
which you stole to go
to a Metallica concert,
and you got to third base
with that slut.
I was once with this chick...
who is just
the best wife ever.
Thank you for being so cool
about what I do.
A lot of guys would be
weird or jealous.
Are you kidding?
Who am I to judge
anyone? I'm the devil!
I mean, if you ever
wanted to stop stripping,
I'd support it.
If you wanted... to.
Uh-huh.
So, you are jealous?
What? No, no, not at all.
I'm just saying,
if you ever wanted to hang up
the ol' G-string,
I'd completely understand.
Nah, I like taking my clothes
off for money.
Great.
Let me... let me finish.
Hypothetically,
what would make you stop?
Hypothetically...
I would stop stripping
if I ever got married.
Good night.
And then we agreed
to "go back to normal."
But I'm starting to wonder if we
can ever really just be friends.
Anyway, that's the story of me
and Robin, 2005 to the present.
What do you think?
I think your stories
are way too long.
I feel bad
for his future kids, dude.
Hey, my kids are gonna
love my stories.
They're gonna... yeah, they're
gonna love my stories.