So, how's living alone?
You know, it's interesting.
When I first moved into
my new apartment,
I was nervous.
For the first time in my adult
life, I didn't have a roommate.
But then it hit me:
for the first time in my adult
life, I didn't have a roommate!
If I want to walk around naked,
nobody cares.
If I want to leave
the laundry basket
in the middle of the living
room, nobody stops me.
If I bring home soup
from the deli
and leave it in the fridge
for two days, nobody eats it.
And if I do something
colossally stupid,
nobody ever has to know.
People make fun of the guy
who stays home every night
doing nothing.
But the truth is...
that guy's a genius.
Because let's be honest,
sitting around watching TV,
drinking beer and eating ribs
alone is what every
red-blooded American would
rather be doing at all times.
Yeah, but wouldn't it be better
to have someone to share the...
I mean, don't you
get lonely without...
Yeah, that sounds pretty great.
What's the best thing
about dating a stripper,
you ask?
Nope.
Just asked for your drink order.
I'll tell you the best thing
about dating a stripper.
He'll just have a scotch.
Getting to say,
"Hey, I'm dating a stripper."
And I should go.
Time to make
the doughnuts.
More like time to make some
dough sitting on some nuts.
She's a stripper.
I'm dating her.
I'm dating a stripper.
Barney wins.
I'll walk you out.
Hey, where are
you going?
Quinn needs to get to work.
She's a...
I know, a stripper, got it.
Hey, taxi!
My girlfriend's a stripper!
So, Ted, guess where we're
having dinner Friday night.
Chez L'Argent.
I am so excited.
We've been trying forever
to get this reservation.
Can you hold on
for just one second?
What the hell
are you doing?
Nothing.
Did you say
you had to pee?
No.
But yeah, I do have to pee.
Man, this kid better be
real freakin' cute!
What was that all about?
Lily had a sex dream last night.
Sex dream?
Do tell.
I was painting
the baby furniture...
Oh, yeah.
Hurry up,
before Marshall gets home.
Oh, oh...
Whoa!
I'm sorry, baby.
Were you asleep?
All pregnant ladies
have crazy sex dreams.
It's just her hormones
going berserk.
So who's responsible for her
rapid thigh movement this time?
Oh, my favorite was when
she banged George Washington.
I liked the three-way with
Bill Cosby and Papa Smurf.
Oh, he smurfed
the smurf out of her.
Yes, while The Cos
smurfed off in the corner.
We all remember.
But here's the thing.
When Lily has dirty dreams
about other people,
she always tells me.
But this time...
Sounds like you
had a crazy dream.
What was it about?
And then her face turned...
vermilion.
Just... you and me...
gettin' it on, monogamously.
Monoga-me-oh-my.
Not the rose quartz
of the slightly embarrassed,
or the tomato red
of the mildly abashed,
vermilion, the color
of carnal shame.
Can only mean one thing:
Lily dream-banged
someone we know.
Okay, you caught me
vermilion-handed.
The truth is, I've spent
the last five years
trying to inception
your wife.
That movie only came out
two years ago.
What movie?
You know who I bet it is?
Robin.
Already checked.
Lily and I paid her a visit
at the new World Wide News
headquarters.
And I'm so excited,
because I've been trying months
to get this reservation.
Can you hold on
just one second?
What the hell
are you doing?
Nothing.
Nice photo.
Oh.
Your passport
must be enormous.
Ugh.
You know, for the record,
I didn't want this.
Didn't want it,
did not approve it.
It's super embarrassing.
Hey, Merle.
So, uh, do you guys
want to come up and see my desk?
Yeah, why not?
Come on.
I.D.?
Oh. Um, that is me.
Ma'am, with all due respect,
you're a wee bit older
than that hottie.
For God sakes.
You know, here I am,
on national TV every day,
and still a guy who spends
his whole life sitting next to
a giant picture of me
has no idea who I am.
This isn't my whole life;
I'm in a band.
And we're gonna make it.
And, kids, they did make it.
But I'll get to that later.
You know what, I'm probably not
going to get to that later.
They had one song,
it didn't suck, the end.
You always said
it wasn't about being famous.
You just want to do
solid journalism, right?
Yeah, well...
Of course I want
to be famous!
In Canada, I was Robin Sparkles.
I was a cabinhold name.
But here?
Don't need to see
your I.D., Merle.
Everyone knows
who you are.
You're Merle.
He was in one skit
in the Christmas party!
Uh, by the way,
how is Ted doing?
Kids, you remember
what happened.
I declared my love,
she turned me down,
we both moved out of
the apartment, and now...
I haven't talked to him
since we... stopped talking.
He's pretty good.
Pretty good?
Last night, you ate
a box of Froot Loops
in your tighty whities.
No, I demolished
a box of Froot Loops,
fully nude.
Yeah, "pretty good" works.
Hey, Barney.
Hey, Lily.
Do you know
what this is about?
Uh-huh.
Do I want to know?
No, sorry, bro.
Damn it!
Okay, time
for my stuff.
Guys, I was sitting
at home last night,
and all of a sudden,
I had a piphany.
And my piphany
was this...
Actually, it's, uh,
it's "epiphany."
No, Ted, this
is the piphany.
And here it is:
Make... every...
night... legendary.
Guys, we've had
some pretty
legendary nights.
But we've also had some nights
that weren't so legendary.
Lookin' at you, The Night Ted
Made Us All Watch Norbit.
Eddie Murphy as a fat lady;
what's the problem?
That was Eddie Murphy?
The non-legendary
nights are done.
From here on in, every
single night of our lives
will be a night
we'll never forget.
Starting tonight.
Who's ready for the longest,
craziest adventure yet?
Good.
The weak have been
weeded from our herd.
You ready to rock
and roll, Ted?
Yeah, I'm going home, too.
I'm sensing some costumes
coming up here
and I'd rather steer clear.
Ted, 20 years from now,
when you're all alone
and I'm President,
you're not
gonna remember
sitting around your
apartment doing nothing.
What you will remember
is that tonight,
this night...
was The Night We Started
a Mariachi Band!
Uno, dos, tres, quatro!
Okay, you were right.
Memorable night.
That was nothing
compared to manana, amigo.
Because manana is gonna be...
The Night We Ate Everything
on the Menu!
A really memorable night.
But tomorrow night...
Is The Night We Brought
a Horse into the Bar!
Okay, but tomorrow...
Is The Night We Bungee Jump
off the Statue of Liberty!
Nope.
That night was the night
of Aunt Lily
and Uncle Marshall's
fancy dinner.
Complete with a fancy limo ride.
Surprise!
Hello!
Hi, Ranjit.
No.
Should I take the
West Side Highway?
Why not, Ranjit?
Don't you always just
take whatever you want,
regardless of
anything but your own
dirty, sick,
twisted appetites?
I'll stay on Broadway.
I.D.?
For God's sakes, open your...
Yeah, that's about right.
I.D.?
Robin had finally
learned the lesson
that nobody
gets famous overnight.
But here's the crazy part:
that night, she got famous.
Robin, there you are.
Sandy Rivers!
Star of the show.
What it is, my man.
Yeah.
Robin, I've got
something big for you,
something huge.
And I want you on it.
Sandy, you were
in the harassment video.
You were great in that,
by the way.
Thanks, holmes.
And I like the way
your filthy little mind works,
Robin, but this is real.
Big story's breaking.
Are you afraid of helicopters?
I love helicopters.
What am I covering,
a war?
Better!
World Wide News
brings you the world.
And now Robin Scherbatsky
with traffic.
You don't want to go
bungee jumping, fine.
Tonight's The Night
We Stole a Mummy
from the Natural History Museum!
Yeah, I'm not
doing that.
Then get out your MetroCard,
Ted, because tonight's
The Night We Partied
with the Mole People!
Barney, I have a Stouffer's
lasagna for one in the freezer
that is going to be
unforgettable.
I have a Sanford and Son
on my DVR
that I will take with me
to my grave.
I don't need tonight to be
any more memorable than that.
Okay, Sanford and Son
does sound good.
But if I could just present
a counter argument...
You're locked out, dummy!
Damn it! Barney!
Give me your phone;
I'm calling my super.
The only person we're calling
is everyone we know,
because tonight's The Night
We Tracked Down Phil Collins,
Became Best Friends with Him,
and Talked Him into Reuniting
with Peter Gabriel,
So Then We Got to Sing Backup
On The New Genesis Album
and It Was Awesome!
Fine, I'll use the
phone at the bar.
Ranjit, would you please
put up the partition?
Partition going up.
You had a sex dream
about Ranjit!
Hello.
Ranjit!
Sorry.
Okay, yes, I did,
but it didn't
mean anything.
Okay, well, what
happened in this dream?
And I want to
know everything.
Every explicit detail.
Don't leave out any...
Damn it, Ranjit!
Sorry.
Marshall, it was a dream.
Yeah, well, dreams
are just stuff
that you subconsciously
want to happen.
Why do you think
I'm constantly dreaming
about Bigfoot playing
quarterback for the Vikings?
Because you fall asleep
looking at a painting of it.
It soothes me.
Don't try to change the subject.
You sleep-cheated.
You've been
sleep-sleeping around,
and I'm sick of it.
You know,
I have half a mind
to get out and let you
eat all by yourself.
Should I pull over?
Damn it, Ranjit!
Yes, Ranjit.
Pull over.
Pulling over.
You watch, Ted.
Tonight is going
to be legen...
it's the night
we stole a camel...
which means it'll be
full of drama... dary.
Dromedary!
I applaud your wordplay,
but your core premise is flawed.
Every night
can't be legendary.
If all nights are legendary,
no nights are legendary.
See, Ted,
that attitude right there,
that's why I'm in the lead.
What do you mean, in the lead?
I'm talking about
the game of life, Ted.
Scoreboard.
Better wardrobe:
75 points.
Apartment on a higher floor:
90 points.
Longer name: 110 points.
Sorry. Did you just make up
this point system?
Made up the point system:
114 points.
And ten points to you
for pointing that out.
Nice job, Ted.
15 points to me
for being gracious enough
to give you those ten points.
But here's the point, Ted.
Every time I go out
and have an awesome night
and you're not there,
that's another 100 points
in my column.
So yeah, I'm in the lead.
Barney, the fact that I
can stay home for a night
shows that I have inner peace
and that I don't feel
the need to keep score.
That's worth like
1,000 points right there,
so at the very
least, we're tied.
We're so not tied.
Although you know
what is tied...
the strap
of my girlfriend's bikini.
Except when it's not,
'cause she's a stripper.
One million points!
Game.
Shh.
It's over.
It's done. It's done.
So what do you do?
You're kidding, right?
I... I'm an on-air reporter.
I just did a report
like five minutes ago.
You sound frustrated.
Yeah, I am.
I'm busting my ass,
and as usual, no recognition.
Robin, I've been
doing this a while,
and if there's one thing
I've learned, it's flarm.
What?
Flarm.
Flarm, flarm, flarm.
Blobbum.
What is wrong with you?
Are you having a stroke?
As a matter of fact, he was.
Oh! Hold on! Wait!
Meanwhile, Lily was in
desperate need
of a female friend.
Lily, I have seen this
a million times.
Guys go crazy when there's
a baby on the way.
You should have seen the manager
when his wife got pregnant.
After the second trimester,
he made her stop stripping.
Yeah, you're right.
Now I feel bad.
Our big dinner's been ruined.
Marshall's
probably crying right now.
I had no idea that
food could be this delicious.
Marshall, you are being crazy.
No, no, I can handle it.
If I sell my laptop,
we can get seconds
on those squash blossoms.
I mean about Lily.
Well, you know,
she's being crazy, too.
She's pregnant.
She gets to be crazy.
You have to be the sane one.
So what, I don't get to be
crazy again
until the baby comes?
No. Then it's baby's turn
to be crazy.
When do I get to be crazy again?
Never.
We are totally even.
We absolutely are not even,
and here's why.
I'll grant you
that if you include
the 12 points
for designing the skyscraper,
the 83 points for slapping five
with Tommy Lee
and the 9,000 points
for banging Robin before me,
our point totals
would be about neck and neck,
but there's one thing
you're forgetting.
The fact that I don't care?
No.
And you just lost five points
for sass.
Do you remember a conversation
we had about three years ago?
Barney, you're
the king.
Nobody picks up chicks like you.
You're handsome,
debonair,
everything I wish I could be.
I'm starting to think
this never happened.
Let you finish.
You're smooth,
charismatic,
"sauve."
I think you mean "suave."
Aha.
So you do remember.
But there's one thing
even a master ladies' man
like you could never do,
and if you could
ever do it,
it would be worth 500 points.
You have my attention,
my slightly shorter friend.
Here's the challenge.
Get a girl's phone number
while you're wearing a dress.
Challenge...
Accomplished.
That's right.
Last year,
I slapped on a dress,
took a few laps
around this very bar,
and I got this:
the phone number
of one Stephanie McColgan.
Later that night,
I took off my pantyhose,
and gave her panties...
my hose.
That's right, Ted.
I am 500 points ahead.
Until you can get
a girl's digits
while wearing a dress,
you and I will never be even.
You know what? The super's
probably waiting for me,
and I just remembered
there's a spare key
under the doormat,
so good night.
Wait, wait.
Ted, don't go.
Barney, I am leaving.
I'm afraid this is just
one of those nights
we're probably going to forget.
I don't think so, dude. Look.
If you're just joining us,
the World Wide News
Eye in the Sky traffic chopper
is out of control over Manhattan
and being piloted
by our own Robin Scherbatsky.
This probably won't end well.
Kids, every now and then,
New York has a moment
when every eye in the city
is watching the same thing.
This was one of those moments.
We all watched breathlessly
as the pilot on the ground
told her what to do,
and against all odds,
your Aunt Robin
landed that helicopter.
I did it.
I did it!
The pilot survived
and made a full recovery.
And Robin?
It's Robin Scherbatsky,
everybody!
Thank you so much.
Oh, okay...
Robin got famous.
In the next few days,
she would...
meet the mayor,
go on Letterman
and even have a deli sandwich
named after her.
But most importantly,
that night,
she got a call, text or e-mail
from almost everyone
she'd ever met.
Hey, Marshall.
Hey, Lil.
Hey, Barney.
Yes, I know
you're dating a stripper.
Mm-hmm.
Hey, Dad.
You proud of your little girl?
Okay, I'll keep trying.
Babe, I think
I know why you had
that sex dream
about Ranjit.
Why?
Think about it.
The way he talks
about his kids.
He's a wonderful father.
Just like Papa Smurf,
Bill Cosby...
George Washington,
the father of our country.
You're attracted
to great dads.
And that's why you love me.
Because I'm going to be
the greatest dad ever.
Sure, that must be it.
Lily decided
not to tell Marshall
about her dream
involving Frankenstein
and the tea cup
from Beauty and the Beast.
That one was just for her.
Okay, Barney,
I got to go.
What?
In the middle of
"The Night You Got Locked Out
in Your Pajamas
"and Robin Landed
a Freaking Helicopter
and There's Still Time
to Reunite Genesis?"
Dude, you got your wish.
It's a night
we'll always remember.
Why can't we just go home?
I can't go home, Ted.
Why not?
Because...
I'm dating a stripper.
Yes, I've seen your bus ad.
I get it.
No, you don't.
Every night, between 9:00 p.m.
and 4:00 a.m.,
I'm in hell.
All I can think about
is what Quinn is doing
and where she is doing it
and who she is doing it on.
If I don't do something
to take my mind off of it...
You're lucky that you can just
go sit around the house, Ted.
I don't have that option.
Wow.
You're in love with this girl.
I really am, Ted.
I mean...
she's a stripper.
Later that night...
The next night,
all I wanted to do
was enjoy a night at home.
But there was something
I had to do.
It wasn't easy,
but by God,
after a long night of trying...
Okay.
Now we're even.
500 points.
Scoreboard.
More than a legendary night
we'd remember forever,
Uncle Barney needed a bro
to help him forget.
In this case, a bro in a dress.
I'm proud of you.
Are you wearing perfume?
It's a unisex fragrance.
It was in Details.
It's nice.
It's perfume.